As Seen On Craigslist

Are You an Astronaut with a Death Wish? We Need You!

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 09:43:00 +0000

Actual ad posted on 10-12-09 in Northern Alberta

Astronaut Needed

Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I'm no longer fit enough to go.

My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist.

The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material. While considerably safe, I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here's your shot at romantic history.

Must be:
-physically fit.
-mentally sound.
-over the age of 18.
-a dreamer.
-a believer.
-not afraid of heights.
-not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc.
-brave.
-no taller than 5'10 and relatively slim.
-good eye-sight & hearing.
-manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled).
-OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time.

Location: Northern Alberta
Compensation: $25,000 CASH.
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

This is Why They Teach Sex Ed in 5th Grade!

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:21:00 +0000

Wanted: time machine DESPERATE!!!

Date: 2009-01-12, 5:53PM MST

Desperately need a time machine to take me back 6 weeks in time, plus or minus a day. If you have a time machine and are willing to let me borrow it, or know of someone with an impending trip back in time, please let me know ASAP!

I will pay big bucks to have myself warned to NOT sleep with that tramp at the One and Only Bar on the Boulevard.

Tell me that she is very, VERY fertile that night in question, and has a whopping 3 STDs that I will get if I copulate with her.

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

I WILL WRITE YOU A BLANK CHECK IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES!

Key things that will let the me in the past know you are for real:

*Tell me that you know about the rubber ducky incident

*Tell me that you know that I pissed in my friends pool last week, when he was in it.

*Tell me that no matter how hard I try, the lesbian at Barnes and Noble will NEVER go for it, no matter how many sex books I ask her opinions on.

If I still doubt you- use this one-----

*Mention that you know I made out with my cousin when we were drunk at a kegger last summer- NO ONE KNOWS THIS BUT US TWO!!

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

You Catch 'em, You Keep 'em - No Kill Homes Get First Consideration!

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 04:31:00 +0000

FREE VERMIN!!!!

Date: 2009-01-13, 5:28PM MST

2 Free very cute, young, rambunctious, healthy, WILD mice. We don’t have it in our hearts to kill the little guys, but alas they’re vermin none the less…..these guys are fast, and, apparently, completely unscathed by, “quick humane death” traps. Maybe you got a mouse maze from one of your kids science/woodshop projects that never really was that entertaining because feeder mice are too dumb and slow…..these little guys are smart (smart enough to figure out how to lick the traps clean of peanut butter repeatedly….) and VERY fast (and they can jump straight up about 8’inches). Theres two, so you can race ‘em and take bets?......maybe you’re the type of sicko that would love to see your cat get a bit of exercise and a treat or two……maybe you’ve a snake who needs a bit more of a challenge than a lab mouse…..or perhaps you’ve taken to falconry and lab mice aren’t worthy quarry for your fine feathered friend……..MAYBE you got a soft spot in your heart and a good place to let these guys go (that’s be awesome, just not by my house).

The thing is, I’ve gone to battle nail and tooth with these little bastards for over 2 weeks (cleaned traps, avoided traps, they’ve dodged and antagonized my Jack Russel Terrier, who’s got it out for them something fierce-impressive by itself)
Now you’d think that that would make it easy enough for me to just squish them or throw them out, alive in a sealed container into the dumpster…..But, alas, they’ve been formidable foes, leaving me more than impressed on one occasion, and, as my girl says, they’re just so damn cute! So, here I am like Pancho Pilot, wanting only to have my hands clean of the affair, leaving their fate to the rabble (craigslisters) and wanting only peace of mind.

Please let me know if you plan to keep them as pets or set them free somewhere more, “rodent-friendly” and you will get priority- but seeing as the current demand (blame the economy) is low for wild mice as pets, they’re more than welcome, and worthy, to be lunch/entertainment for your fiendish God complex- At least they might have a fighting chance, sort of.

I'd also like to add;
Ive since switched to the oldschool wooden traps- a bit messy and anachronistic, but they really are a quick humane death.

and if anyone says peanutbutter is the best way to catch a mouse, they're wrong!!! parmesian cheese is the absolute best, it's irresistable to the little guys!!!

Honey, We're Havin' Road Kill for Dinner!

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 03:18:00 +0000

WANTED: ROADKILL

Date: 2009-01-20, 3:57PM EST

I want your roadkill. Why, might you ask? Simple. I drive around and regularly see 1-2 deer a week on the side of the road, rotting. Since an average deer has about 80-120 pounds of usable venison on it, its a shame that all that meat is wasted. Plus, you can't normally buy venison, so unless you have a hunting friend or hunt yourself (or pay crazy prices at a restaurant), you can never enjoy the lean, tasty meat that is venison.

So, here's my offer. If you happen to hit a deer (or larger animal, although I don't think we have many of those in southern Virginia), you can bring the animal to me, and I'll carve it up for you, and split the meat 50/50. I hunt, and I do my own butchering, so it doesn't take too long for me, and I enjoy it. Since hunting season is now passed, I'd like something to occupy my time, while also filling my freezer.

There are rules though, like anything else in life:
1. It has to be a deer or bigger. I'm not carving up a flat squirrel for you.
2. It must be less than a day old. God only knows what happens to the carcass after a day of sitting there.
3. You have to call the police after your accident. The cops come out and issue you a permit so that you legally own the deer. It's quick, and it keeps it legal (I'm not carving up poached animals, and if you poach, you should rid the world of your sorry existence).
4. You bring the animal to me (I'm in Suffolk), and I do the rest, and call you when its done. If you live in Suffolk, or hit the deer in Suffolk, I could come to you, but I'm not driving to VA Beach at 10 pm at night.
5. I'll cut up the animal and give half the meat to you in sealed bags. I'll even label it, so you'll know what cuts you're getting. You eat it and enjoy!

Of course, you may feel odd eating roadkill. I mean, that's a redneck thing, right? Absolutely untrue. For starters, you're using meat that would normally be wasted, so its good for the environment. Venison is leaner (deer don't sit on big farms eating corn), healthier (no injected hormones here!), and tastier (there is no such thing as "gamey" meat. That's just anti-hunters trying to justify themselves) than beef. Plus, you get it for nothing (except whatever your car insurance deductible is, if you decide to file a claim). All these positive reasons are sure to impress your hippie friends, if you are unfortunate enough to have some.

Drop me an email (I check it all the time, so replies won't take long) when you hit a deer. If you're a police officer and want my phone number (since you probably get calls all the time), you can email me and I'll give you my cell number. If its late, you can always temporarily store the animal at your house and bring it over when I get back to you.

Start enjoying the meat of your unfortunate labors!

Location: Hampton Roads, VA
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Nipple Shields

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 05:53:00 +0000

Title Reads:
Nipple Shields

Ad Reads:
3 nipple shields for breast feeding. All in excellent condition and sterile. Comes for non smoking home, calls only please

Personal Note:
My roommate thought they were for belly dancing . . . I don't know if that says more about the ad poster, or my roommate. The title might be misleading, but at least the ad cleared it up.

Kids Need a New Home Now - Puppy Coming Soon!

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 23:36:00 +0000

This person obviously put a lot of time and creativity into creating this hilarious anti-pet-re-homing ad. The flaggers and the ad-police where in full swing when this was posted!

HELP URGENTLY REQUIRED!

Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for an exotic rare breed dog, we were finally notified by the breeder that at long last, our number has come up, and...

WE'RE HAVING A PUPPY!

We must IMMEDIATELY get rid of our children now, because we just KNOW how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be! Since our puppy will be arriving on Monday, we MUST place the children in new homes this weekend!!!

They are described as:

One male, white, blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Name is Tommy. Temperament tested. Current on all shots. Tonsils removed already and very healthy condition!

Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little time and training, he will do well in a new home.

One female, strawberry blonde hair, green eyes. Three years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Her name is Mary. Temperament tested, but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and happy (mostly.) Gets along well with little boys, but does not like to share toys.

She is house trained, and would do best in a one child household.

We really LOVE our children, and want to do what is best for them. I hope you understand, that ours is a UNIQUE situation, and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed by Sunday night at the latest.

Offering a Thousand Dollars to Extract a Troubled Tooth

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 01:43:00 +0000

This is a serious offer. I am offering $1,000 in cash to a knowledgeable Dentist or Dental Student to extract my tooth. Industry standards and tools must apply. I'm not looking to make things worse for myself.

I have gone the medical and dental route and had no luck. However this tooth is giving me GREAT problems. More details upon serious request.

No names or questions asked. Please only serious offers from knowledgeable dental people please respond.

The Problem with this request:
If there are no names or questions asked, how can you be sure that the person who responds has experience? Tools and dental books are available to any old Dommer on the internet!! I would think that $1000 could easily pay for an extraction procedure at a traditional dentist, you know . . . the kind that doesn't work out of their home!

To My Neighbor Who I Saw Pooping in His Yard Yesterday

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 18:10:00 +0000

Posted Anonymously in Pittsburgh

I saw you couched down with your pants around your ankles. I asked "Hey, what are you doing?". Your reply was "Pooping in a groundhog hole! I read about it online. It's suppose to trick the groundhog into thinking another animal has moved into it's lair.".

Since you are normally a sane person I refrained from calling the police.

That is just hilarious!! I thought the 12 year old boy who pooped in my mothers yard was strange, but this certainly sounds like a grown adult - I think!

I Saw Good Luck Chuck So Will You Sleep With Me Please

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Tue, 20 May 2008 20:36:00 +0000

Anonymously Posted in Washington D.C.

So, I've recently come to the realization that I possess a remarkable skill. I have the ability to reconnect women with ex-boyfriends that broke up with them. Now, some of you might be saying "Hey, that's pretty cool! How do you do that? I could make millions, or at least I could use that to trick women into sleeping with me!". Let me tell you, it sucks! The last three "girlfriends" I've had have all had their ex-boyfriends contact them shortly after starting to date me!

It took about a month and a half after we began dating for the first girl's ex to reconnect with her. And I really liked her (and he is an abusive asshole, she deserves so much better). Man did that suck. With the second girl, it took about three and a half weeks for her guy to come back (he was supposed to have left the freaking country!). I really liked her too. The third girl, it took her ex literally two days to contact her after our first date (and they had been apart for over five years!).

So, I appear to be getting better at this. Not only can I get you your boyfriend back within a few days, I can bring him back from incredibly unlikely circumstances. Have you been pining over an ex? Want him to give you a call? Perhaps he moved to Russia 12 years ago, got married, has 7 children, and you haven't heard from him since. No problem! One dinner and a movie with me and he'll likely be waiting on your doorstep when I drop you off.

Now, I haven't had a chance to properly test this, but I suspect that my skill works much better if we sleep together. Now, this might not be absolutely necessary, but you do really want to see your ex again right? Why risk it.

Shhh - Don't Tell My Husband

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 08:09:00 +0000

Trailer for Sale - $40 less than husband wants for it - TODAY ONLY!
My husband has been posting his trailer for sale for about 2 weeks for $125.I want it gone - BADLY!!!
Here's the deal - if you come here before he gets home tonight - around 6:30, I WILL SELL IT FOR $40 LESS THAN HE IS!!!!
I will sell you the trailer, which is a Toyota truck bed welded strongly onto a trailer, with 5-prong universal hitch (working tail-lights).
Email for directions, sorry I don't have a picture!

Here's a response I found:
No need to reply. You are completely mad! I love it. Fantastic. I wish more folks on craigslist had your sense of humor. Your ad is legend. It should go on the "best of craigslist" site! I hope y'all sell the trailer.

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 18:49:00 +0000

We are being watched. I read about forums of people all accross the country that keep in touch with each other and monitor all of the CL boards. They collectivly decide who to flag using some fancy algorythim(sic). We caught one and this is his mug shot---

I Need a Care Giver

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 18:37:00 +0000

So I just got my medical card and now I need a care giver. Are any of you CL readers a care giver with room for one more client? Send me an e-mail and let me know. Thanks for reading

Translation: I got a doctor to give me a prescription for weed, and now I need a grower to supply it for me. If anyone out there grows pot, please email me so that I can hook up. Thanks.

Turn Dog Poop Into Dollars!

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 02:49:00 +0000

Do you love dogs and like making money? As you will see, this may be a simple business, but it definitely has super profit margins and a great return on your investment. Get your own exclusive protected territory.

"Keeping your Lawn Green and your Shoes Clean!"

Are Sexual Orientation Labels Required on Craigslist Now?

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 23:51:00 +0000

If it's not a requirement, then these two must be having a personal spat about the dog! These are two separate posts listed on Craigslist, I'm guessing they are neighbors!

Lesbians need fencing so their dog can run free

Me and my partner just moved to Welches and we have a little dog that needs a fenced yard. There is approx 50 feet we need to fence. I know there are kind people out here that enjoy helping those in need. I am one of those people when I have the resources. At this time we are hard pressed to come up with extra money to buy fencing. Poor little Emma is not allowed outside much because she runs everywhere. Please help if you can. I can barter my services if interested. I work with energies and can help you clean your aura and get rid of physical, emotional and mental pains. Thank you for your time.

Hetrosexual Looking For Fencing Material

Me (male) and my girlfriend (female) would like some free fencing so that our neighbors dog will quit coming into our back yard and pooping on our lawn.

Very interesting, I wonder if anyone dares to get in the middle of this one!?!

British Pony Poop For Plants

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 12:31:00 +0000

Original Ad Reads:
You haul big or small! Aged pony/sheep/chicken manure empty 50 pound grain bags and shovels provided for backyard gardeners to Fill and Haul. Easy to get to in a covered manure shed. I have no tractor for loading, but can provide some shovels and 50 pound grain bags. Fill up a bag and put it in your car boot! (trunk for Americans, but the ponies are British, so using a British term!) If we fill the bag at $2 each. Come by anytime between 9am and 5pm on Labor Day (we'll be having a garage sale too) or email to ask about other times. We'll be around most of the next 4 days.

Translation:
We don't have any way to dispose of all of the animal poop that is produced on our land, so we'll make you an offer - You can have it FREE!!! In fact, this is very special aged British pony poop, and it's available to you at no cost for a limited time only. We also carry old chicken and sheep poop, and we'll bag it for you for two bucks a bag, that way you don't have to shovel the old poop yourself.

Hating Four Legged Crappers

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 16:50:00 +0000

I have neighbors on both sides of me with dogs and they are all assholes. Most dog owners disregard the laws and don't pick up the poop just like the poster. Dogs are just dumb animals. People in the city with dogs should be taxed double.

I'm guessing that this person must have stepped in a pile of crap this morning...? I highly recommend they stay away from my yard, our bulldog leaves some rather large landmines. But then again I don't live in the city, so I must not be an asshole or deserve double taxing!

Picking Fruit Makes Cats Happy

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 16:42:00 +0000

Do you have trees or bushes full of fruit or vegetables? I would love to help you to unburden those poor plants! Just think of an apple tree or lettuce plant working so hard all year to get ready for harvest season, and now there is just too much for you to use! If you give some of the fruit or vegetables to my mother and me, your plants will be so happy! Yes, indeedy, the lovely darling plants will feel USEFUL if you pick their treasures! Perhaps, (like my cats when THEY are happy), if you let me help you pick your fruit and veggies that you won't be able to use, your plants will feel so content that they will purr??? WOW! Wouldn't you LOVE to hear that??? In fact, did you know that the month of August has been officially designated as: "Be Kind to Fruit Trees, Fruit Bushes and Vegetable Plants Month" ? ---------- We are all OBLIGATED to take pity on them and pick their offerings!

Yes, people. If you want to make your plants feel useful, you need someone to pick their fruits! It makes her feel happy, it makes her cats feel happy.

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 22:25:00 +0000

Wanted: Live-in Nanny to care for two infants in NW Portland. Established professional couple will provide private accommodations in a spacious and fully-furnished floor of a newer multilevel home in an upscale neighborhood.
Experience/Background Preferred:
- Chinese language skills
- Non-smoker
- Past experience caring for an infant
- Background, credit and reference check required
- Infant CPR training
- Oregon Criminal History Registration
- Should have own transportation
Compensation: no pay

Translation: We want someone that is highly trained, speaks fluently in at least two languages, and need you to move out of your home. We need you to have a car, and even if you have a car payment you will need to either be filthy rich or have a very large savings to pay for your own gas and food, and other living expenses because we don't plan to pay you a cent for your troubles, even though we live in a wonderful home and make plenty of money to pay someone to care for our children. All we plan to offer you is a place to live in exchange for excellent quality care for our two precious babies. We expect you to pass intensive criminal checks, because most people who will work for free will steal to make ends meet.

Needing a White Trash Washboard Band

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 22:30:00 +0000

Do you have a band that plays jug, washboard, saw, kettle string, spoons, juice harp, etc? If so, we're looking to hire you for our upcoming White Trash Wine Tasting Party. Pay is cheap, (all the recyclables you can carry) but there'll be lots of good "white trash" food and drinks. If you behave yourselves we may even let you stay for midnight croquet.

Interesting way of hiring someone, insult them by calling them "white trash" offer them your garbage, and expect them to entertain you! How about this, I'll show up with a few pots and pans, get a few little kids to bang on them for a bit while singing the theme song to Beverly Hillbillies! You can recycle your own garbage, and none of us will behave - leaving you to play midnight croquet with your "white trash" wino friends!

Wanted: Unfriendly Goats

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 06:37:00 +0000

I need a couple of goats to eat brush on my land. I would prefer a couple that are not somebodys pets, the last set we had, were raised in some gals house, and I could not get them to eat brush, instead they were trying to get in the house to play with my shitzus. They will have a good home, but then need to pull there weight. Cash or trade, let me know what you have, Thanks.

Maybe I've misunderstood, but they want goats that don't play in the house, just eat the brush. But the cash or trade part, "let me know what you have" sounds like they want your goats and your goods!

How Much for that Banana?

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 04:18:00 +0000

My name is Scott. I have a couple of hairs on my behind area and I feel great remorse for ever having grown them. I feel tainted. My doctor refuses to give me my weekly rectal exam because he is disgusted by my hairs. I tried to shave, but I cannot see my bum. I can only feel the soft downy hairs. I am willing to trade you a half eaten banana for a very dull razor that I can use for you to come and shave the harsh whiskers off of my bum. I just do not want anyone to see what my bum looks like or I would be mortified. Plus, I have worms, and I do not want anyone to know about that. Those worms are my pets, and to have them harmed is unthinkable. They are for sale however. You could use them for fishing bait as long as you promise not to harm them. You will need to pay me for the half eaten banana if you giggle at my infested rectal area. Please do not laugh. Love eternally, Scott

Alright, I'm going to have to pay up, I slipped and giggled a little, sorry Scott!

Can't Buy Me Love

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 04:14:00 +0000

Weird but im trying to get back the love of my life and I need help its going to sound kinda weird but I need 300 dollars by tommorow evening. I am willing to do anything!!!! Well nothing to weird.. Just looking for good people out there wanting to save a relationship save love..

How about a copy of the movie "Can't Buy Me Love", do you think that will help save your relationship? I'm wondering what the money is for...Perhaps a deal with the loan shark didn't work out very well, and they're taking his thumbs tomorrow night!

Will Barter for Butter

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 07:20:00 +0000

I would trade some old faded newsclippings of no particular subject for some velvety butter that I can smooth on my delicate bum bum. I prefer "I Can't Believe it's Not Butter." But not the spray. That will sting my stretchmarks. I plan to smack my adorable perky bum until it is bright and rosy red. If you have any extra cartons of butter, I indeed will trade you my valuable newsclippings. (They are of no value.) If you would prefer to come and slather the butter on my bum yourself, that would be okay as well. Just promise not to peek, or I will be humiliated.

By far this is one of the most hilarious requests I've seen yet on Craigslist! As a matter of fact, there was even a name and picture of the "bum bum" ready for spreading! But I held back on posting the name, just in case someone is playing a cruel joke on another person!

I'm Not Asking That Much of You, Really

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 17:50:00 +0000

Hi, I am in need of desperate help with housecleaning of my apartment. What I am looking for is someone who is extremely professional with a Master in Custodial Engineering, must show proof of degree. You must also have at least 6 professional references from past employers, plus two letters of recommendation from previous professors. I would also like to see some before and after pictures of your previous work; you know, something really drastic and shocking, sort of like the those cheesy late night commercials showing someone losing 400 pounds in three weeks eating nothing but tofu.

Must have a valid license from the State of Oregon in custodial re-engineering and licensure from the health department. Also, you need to use completely organic cleaning materials because I am allergic to everything, yes, everything; hair, air, water, saliva, urine, flowers, carpet, wool, bamboo, noodles, soy, watermelons, children.

Must carry full insurance. Must have at least 15 years professional experience in the Domestic Asset and Fungi Relocation industry. Also, you cannot have a sense of humor, as I own none such thing.

I have a 400sf studio that needs very deep cleaning. No carpet, just wood floor that was hand-cut by children in Northern Canada then was carried to my home by Laotian donkeys, don't ask how we came about the donkeys. One toilet, one sink, very small shower. Small kitchen. I need the floor scrubbed with a tooth brush of fine natural hair from an Asian Ox; I will provide the ox.

In return for this service, I will take some instant Polaroid pictures of you. Don't worry, they will be very classy and professional as I have a Doctorate in Photographic Reproduction. If that's not enough, I will also give you a 15 minute massage; well, I won't give you the massage, we'll drive down to the mall to one of those little massage chairs in the middle of the food court where they charge by the minute. I look forward to hearing from you!

I don't even know what to say to that one!

Tree Climber Offers Aerial Rescues

noreply@blogger.com (thinsurface) — Wed, 09 May 2007 04:09:00 +0000

25 year tree climber specializing in dead hazzardious removals. quality tree care at a cheeper price. we also do aireial cat rescues.

I think I need to call this guy, my cat has been stuck in the air for an hour or so, and has yet to come back down. I hope "aireial" cat rescues are cheap!