As the Barstool Turns

2014-04-18T05:46:00.000-07:00

To all my barstool fans, I have created a new blog on a new address. Mainly because I couldn't remember what email I put this one on, and with limited mom alone time, I just went with it LOL Here's the new address and new blog if you guys want to start following me there. After this post, I am no longer posting here. My life as a bartender is gratefully OVER. http://mommajbonneville.blogspot.com/

2011-02-08T11:16:00.000-08:00

After finding a shot glass of puke on my bar one Saturday night I thought it was time to blog again after a very long break.

I have been a full time nursing student since last August and haven't really found the extra time or energy to blog (bitch). So to my adoring fans, here's some new material for you!

C: ~hanging on to the bar for dear life ... Can I have two more lemon drops and then close my tab? Me: I'll be right with you hun.. ~thinking in my head.. hmm I only gave her one round and this bitch can't even stand up!... go get manager and rat her out for being drunk... Back to the bar, keep working... C: excuse me!! Hello, can I get my shots?! Manager: Excuse me ma'am.... It gets inaudible until she starts calling me all kinds of dirty names for not serving her the last round and her tab is still there without any ink on it. After about 5 mins of her bashing me, she signs it and gets escorted out. So tempting to put a tip on there myself... FYI people, make sure you total your tabs out.. not all bartenders are as honest as I am!

Me: Can I help you sir? C: No I'm waiting on him (pointing to the other bartender). Me: Ok..... ~yelling "HEY "ENTER BARTENDERS NAME HERE" YOU HAVE A FAN WAITING FOR YOU!" Me: waits on 5 other customers, finishes transactions. Me: Are you sure you don't want to order something from me? He's kinda busy. C: No, I'll wait. Me: If you say so. Me to C1: Can I help you? C1: Budlight Me to C2: Can I help you? C2: two Miller lites, a XX, a kettle one and 7, and a goose and soda Me to C3: Can I help you? C3: two Budlights and two jagers Me: grabs and pops open the 3 budlights, serves the single to C1 and the two to C3, grabs and pops open the 2 Miller lites and XX to C2, set up my glassware after collecting $5 from C1. As I'm filling up my glasses with ice, the C who was waiting for the other bartenders puts his hand over my glasses and says C: Can I have a goose and tonic, a gin and soda, and a crown and 7? Me: MOTHER FUCKER!!! You just fucked up the drink order in my head!!! C: Well I've been waiting for 20 mins. Me: You insisted on waiting for and now you're definitely going to wait on him! Try stepping to HIS side of the fucking bar! Me: cussing under my breath.. to C2 could you please repeat your mixers?! As I was finishing opening the tabs for C2 and C3 I could hear the C bitching to the bartender he was waiting on telling him what a bitch I was and how he'll never come back to this bar again because of me. The other bartender who he was waiting on looks over to me and says, "Thank God! I've been avoiding him on purpose because he hasn't tipped me in 5 years." FRIGGIN AWESOME, and I'm the one who looks like the asshole!

5 signs you're not getting tipped!
1) a group of girls show up to the bar at once and all start separate tabs
2) The last name on the tab is Martinez and the bill is over $75
3) The customer asks what's on special before ordering
4) You ask what the cheapest shot you can make then order 5+.
5) You mention you used to bartend in college. **IF you have enough balls to mention you bartend or wait tables, its an automatic give away a dollar per drink says you're lying. WE ALL TIP BIG... PERIOD.
6) AN EXTRA ONE! when your drunk ass gets booted out of the club!

Some tips that will get you faster service:
1) Drink the same thing everytime you come to the bar and have a tab
2) Tip huge! like the guy who would give me a $20 for one beer. he was first everytime
3) Be a regular.
4) Don't keep moving around the bar, stay put!
5) Order your drinks from the fastest bartender

I implore all of you to put the shoe on the other foot! After midnight on Friday nights when I've been up since 4 am and have to keep going til 4am (yes, der 24 hours I'm up) Nice usually ends at midnight. If I'm not smiling, don't ask why not. If I snap back and say I'm tired, don't ask why. Just order your damn drink, pay for it and make my life easier. Just because you're getting crappy service, service without a smile, or just impersonal service, the person serving you might have some crazy ass circumstances such as mine and we really don't feel like putting up with your shit.

There might be a St. Patty's Day blog update. I'm pretty positive I'll be working. I also did no proof reading and I'm at school so no laughing at me. I'm short on sleep and patience, I might just show up and punch you in the trachea!

XOXO
J

2010-09-11T13:49:00.000-07:00

So many ppl have been asking why I haven't updated this thing in so long. Partly its because its hard to be dedicated to 9 followers when I'm busting my butt in Nursing school, getting very little sleep and even less nutrients. Not to mention only working two shifts a week and usually in the waitress well, away from the bar idiots. OH and Rat Ranch took a month off (hee hee). Its their crowd that generally brings all the good stories, and last night wasn't any different! Thanks Rat Ranch! My fans love you ~.-

Here were a few from last night, the last being the main pain in the arse. Keep in mind, I'm functioning on low sleep, low patience, a terrible cold, a one sided sore throat, a swollen tongue from biting it the prior day and every other sentence, AND a back ache. Getting old STINKS!

C: Can I get two shots of tequila? Me: What kind? C: What do you have? Me: Patron silver, Don Julio silver, 1800 gold and silver, Cuervo and the stuff I wouldn't even give my dog. C: Ha Ha! I'll try the cheap stuff! Me: Of course you will.... On the way to serve the shots my barback almost knocks me over while restocking glassware in the cooler and the one of the tequila's spill on my hand and up my arm. The Customer reaches over the bar, grabs my hand and licks it!!! Me: Whoa! Did you just lick my hand? You don't know where that thing has been! C: Well can't let good alcohol go to waste!! Me: That wasn't good alcohol and now I need a shower! $7.50 you sicko!

C: Can I get a Fat Tire Draft? Me: Of course! Turn to go and open the cooler to the cold glasses.. C: WAIT!!!! Me: Stop in front of the open cooler and turn around to glare at the guy C: I said I wanted a Fat Tire Draft (BO OFF IN THE DISTANCE SHAKING HIS HEAD AND SAYING AUDIBLY, "Oh he's going to get it!") Me: Do you want to do my job? C: No I just requested a draft. Me: Do you see what I'm standing in front of? C: Um beer? Me: and what else? C: glasses? Me: EXACTLY genius! Now I can be a good bartender and serve you a Fat Tire draft in a cold glass but I think for this purpose you deserve one of the hot glasses sitting in front of you to teach you a lesson! C: NO!! I promise I'll let you do your job, please give me a cold glass! Me: You're lucky I'm not up for throw'n bows ~grabs cold glass and serves him his stupid Fat Tire, which we don't even have in bottles! Grr!

WARNING! I am about to imitate this Asian lady with a horrific accent who was extremely hard to understand. If I offend anyone, please remember, I don't discriminate! I hate everyone equally!

C: (digging through her purse) Wed whine, merwhoa. Me: Wait! slow down and repeat please. Your accent is very strong. C: Wed Whine, merwhoa. Me: Merlot? C: Ya, merwhoa. Serves her the glass of wine. C: Tis is tewwible! Last time mo smoove. Me: *laughing out loud! Are you sure you've drank red wine from here? We don't serve any smooth red wine. C: Ya, last time here. Me: Um maybe you had a Cabernet, let me get you a little glass. Serves her a shot glass of Cab. C: *grimaces Uck! Way Wowse. I'll just dwink dis. Me: ok, $2.50 please. C: Give me a $5 and thanks me.

About 15 mins later...
C: That whine made me feel funny, do you have kitchen? C: No ma'am. I'm sorry our happy hour food was just cleared and the fajita guy doesn't get here for another 45 mins. You can always order chili's and they'll deliver it over. C: No, I just dwink. Wed Whine! C: *giggle ok! Repeats the process

About 30 mins later my waitress is bitching about the asian lady in the corner, reading the Houston Press and asking her to read her this ad. Same customer approaches the bar again. I can hear her slaughter her order with the other bartender and she looks at me and points to her. I slap my forhead. Repeat the process.

About 10 mins later, me and the other bartender are the only ones behind the bar and the asian lady comes up to the bar again!! This time holding a cellphone, ranting and yelling in her awful accent that her ex-boyfriend replied to her text that she sent by accident 3 days ago.

C: Can you help me?! I need to send message! Me: I'm kinda working but I'll try. C: He sent this message! I hate him! He almost make me commit suicide! I cry for 2 howas! Me: Ok, ok. we'll send him a reply. C: I bwoke iphone. Thew it out caa window, wan over. This crap phone. Razor! 2 yeas old. Can't text! Me: ~grabs the phone and starts to reply. It takes me about 10 mins to remember how to text on the razor without any T9 help lol C: wat you say? Me: ~shows the customer the message C: k. send! Me: Done. Anything else? C: ya where tacos? Me: Right out side that door. I think you need about 3!

Luckily she didn't come back. I was about ready to punch her in the face. There were about 3 other crying asians in the building. One was holding up the 2 stall restroom upstairs for so long the customers were yelling at her to get out. Girls, if you're going to cry in your beer, leave and go to your car. No one wants to see your drama!

2010-07-03T01:50:00.001-07:00

So long time no blog. Summer school is taking its toll. Here are some shift notes from tonight. I was feeling froggy!

There is a group of very older, chunky ladies we call the cougars. They are 1) annoying 2) water pitcher drinking 3) ulgy shoe wearing 4) poorly dressed older women who run my waitresses to death, order in spurts, hit on all the youngins, dance like two pigs tied up in a sack, and stand in the only walk space available. Tonight was one of their bdays. She got walked out but poor thing should had been carried out. They were all wearing glowing bunny ears and the bday girl herself was wearing blinking penis's on her head. Totally not cool. That's probably why you went home in a cab, alone. Oh and lets not forget the singing in unison of "You got what I need" numerous times ladies.......

I have more but will have to write whenever I find more free time. I still have the notes.

And a shot out to Mark. Love you buddy, stay strong and laugh a little. I know it sucks but you are in our prayers.

2010-05-30T01:36:00.000-07:00

short 4 hour shift, long enough to make me bald. Nothing out of the ordinary as far as stupidity goes but some shift notes for my loyal fans.

IF you are good looking, whether you admit it or not, leaving the bartender with an empty tip jar drops your cute points dramatically. I've even told other women whom have asked about you that you're a cheap ass and probably will expect them to pay your bills. Men, tip your damn bartender.

Wedding parties... omg. What a nightmare. Already been drinking, socializing at the pub in ugly bridesmaid dresses and half drunk. NIGHTMARE. Oh and if you yell miss one more time I'll yank that pretty little flower out of your hair and make you eat it!

Everyone tonight seemed like they had rocks in their mouths while ordering. I mean, it could have been my pounding head ache and the loud band, but I doubt it. Speak up and enunciate your order!

Met a guy for the first time tonight who admitted he had Tourette Syndrome. It would have been funny had he cursed like the guy in Boondock Saints. Instead, he was painful to wait on because he couldn't get his order out of his mouth for stuttering.

2010-05-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Not much to write about. Memorial Day weekend is pretty slow because everyone goes out of town. Here are a few shifts notes from the night.

When I hear certain orders, I automatically know you are not going to give me the appropriate tip. When someone comes up to the bar and orders 5 irish car bombs at $7.50 a pop, I know I'm going to get screwed on the tip. Anyone ordering more than 2 patron shots, I'm getting screwed. If you order an long island ice tea, 90% chance I'm going to get screwed. Guiness? Ya 50% chance even if I take the time and pour it right, which lately I'm finding a better way to screw you in return for not tipping.

Things that will get you an automatic ejection from the bar:
Randomly trying to kiss a random customer at the bar. Yeah Hector, that's for you!

Falling off your barstool.

Taking my salt tray and dumping it in my tip jar. WTF dude!

Falling asleep at the bar. Yes, it happens more than you think!

So thats about it. Since I was in the waitress well it was pretty boring and since I can't whine about what goes on behind the bar I'll just end by giving some advice.

Take the $300 cab ride home. Its better than flirting with the $10k DUI. If you buy a girl a drink, and she tells you she's going to the bathroom, she's most likely not coming back. Buying girls drinks all night does not mean they're going home with you, or giving you their correct number. Hitting on the bartender does not get you free or stronger drinks. Tipping big on the other hand will =) All bartenders are entrepreneurs. Want my attention? SHOW ME THE MONEY! lol

Two more days... You'll get your crack!

2010-05-28T01:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight we were slow and had an unusual amount of foreigners, which isn't a bad thing, they just take more time to wait on mainly due to miscommunication. For instance, this guy orders a coffin. A coffin? yeah we're low on those.. btw, what is it? lol Well it happens to be a generous splash of coke mixed in the same glass as a light beer... EWW! So Stella and coke the man gets. A woman in the same party was drinking Dry Vermouth on the rocks with a lemon! I didn't even know how to charge for that! lol And bring on the ghetto! Thanks for making me cringe one more time with a truly nasty drink! Hennessy with raspberry liquor and pineapple! ICK! There were a few idiots tonight but this one took the cake!

C: I'll take a greygoose on the rocks with lemon and lime. Me: Serves the drink, "$6.50 please." C: this is greygoose right? Me: Yes. C: it doesn't look right. are you sure its not water? Me: excuse me? what do you mean it doesn't look right? C: Its not the right color. Me: I'm not sure what color greygoose is in your country, but here its clear. C: It just doesn't look right. Me: Don't know what to tell ya. Its definitely goose.

2010-05-26T05:27:00.000-07:00

finishing my stories from last week. I was too exhausted Sat night to finish up the night. Here is the rest.

C: taking a huge stack of napkins and wiping her sweat off her flushed face, "Excuse me! I need a huge glass of water!" Me: Ok C: This band is awesome! I haven't left the dance floor since they started! OMG I'm so hot. Me: serves her the water C: drinks it down in one shot and asks for another Me: fills it back up C: drinks it all back down Me: fills it up one last time C: thanks! I needed that! Oh wait here!! (reaches into her bra and pulls out a $5 bill and holds it out) Me: Yeah no thanks! you can throw it in the tip jar C: Here take it and0 put it in your pocket! Me: I'm good thanks. C: laughs and still holding out the money Me: reach over grab a couple of napkins, grabs the bill with the napkins, wrap up the money and throw it in the tip bucket. Later on I give it to my barback lol AND i still didn't touch that nasty sweaty boobie money!!!

C: Can I have a bluemoon please? Me: sure $4.50 C: pays me. then waves me down again, "Can I have change for this please?" Me: "Sure." Hold up the c-note to make sure its real and waits for the comment about him making it today or something along that line... take the change back to the customer and go about my job. C: waiting, and watching, watching some more, not leaving the bar... staring... Me: I'm sorry, did you need something else? C: Yeah the rest of my money. I already paid you for the beer. Me: Yeah I know, I gave you change for the $100 bill. C: (holds out the change) you shorted me! Me: No I gave you change for $100. count it. C: (counts the money in his hand) its short! watch.. counts out the money in front of me. 20 (its really a fifty), 20, 20, 5, and 5 ones. Me: "May I?" (grabs money from the idiot and counts loud and slamming money on the bar, did i add i was 5 deep? lol) 50! 20! 20! 5! 5 ones! $100. C: See its short. Me: Dude that 20 is a 50! do you need a calculator?! C: OH! Sorry.... Me: ARG!! (bangs head on beer taps)

2010-05-23T02:23:00.001-07:00

To start this short shift off we thought we'd be funny and create name tags for ourselves since it was ghetto saturday. One of my bartenders is Philippino and looks hispanic so he usually gets someone ordering from him in spanish.. which normally sets him into a tailspin. Tonight is no different. We had behind the bar a tally sheet going of the number of times he was spoken to in spanish. Funny how it was only 4 when we were taking count. Anyways we all thought it would be funny to start this name tag thing. The Philippino was Guey (spanish for dude), Me as say, and the old guy as hey. It didn't last long before we were told to take our duct tape name tags off =(

the 4 hour shift goes a little something like this:

C: do you have mixed drinks? Me: Nope! we're out! C: what about all those bottles? Me: They're all filled with water, we forgot to pay our alcohol taxes. C: really? Me: No, I'm just mess'n with ya C: oh lol ok then I'll have an applemartini Me: ok. $5.75 C: can you put it in another glass? Me: its a martini and it belongs in a martini glass C: Well its kinda gay Me: then you should order a big boy drink if you don't want to look gay.

C: I'll take a darktan. Me: a what? C: Darktan Me: I'm sorry never heard of one, what is it? C: a drink Me: well duh but what kind C: a big one Me: can you be more vauge? C: it's bass and guiness Me: (knowing now what this ding dong is referring to) never heard of it. C: Oh I'm sure you have, just put it in a pint glass Me: ok then. (serves the drink) C: see you have served it! Me: Its called a black and tan not a darktan! its not a tanning chain dude. C: hahaha you f**king rock Me: I know.

C: I'll take a bud ice! Me: We don't carry bud ice C: yeah bud ice Me: I said we don't carry it! C: I had one earlier Me: Not from this bar! C: yes you do Me: NO WE DON'T C: What's that bottle in the fridge that's white? Me; that's smirnoff ice C: well that's what i ordered! Me: bud ice, smirnoff ice... yeah I see the difference! (cuts customer off after the transaction)

C: I'll have a blue moon! Me: $4.50 C: turns away to talk to a girl Me: serves a few people, takes money, yada yada yada C: HEY! I need another blue moon. Me: I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a conversation. I've been waiting on your money and now you have to wait on my service.

2010-05-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

Wednesday Big Ass Beer Glass night (aka BAB)

C: Can I get a shiner? Me: sure, $1.75 C: (gives me exact change) Sorry I know you guys probably hate when we give you quarters. I just hate it jingling in my pocket. Me: Yeah I can handle the quarters, its the not tipping part that concerns me the most C: I'm broke, sorry. Me: Don't be sorry, just stop coming to the bar.

C: Can I get a goose and ....... um..... what do you have? Me: cranberry, orange, pineapple, grapefruit, soda, sprite, tonic... C: Um soda. Me: *serves collect money and goes about my job C: *returns to the bar about 5 mins later Excuse me miss? This tastes horrible! Me: you ordered a greygoose and soda and soda water doesn't go bad. C: Its awful! Me: Have you ever had one before C: No Me: Well what were you expecting? C: Well I thought soda meant you would make it with sprite or something Me: *eyeroll You ordered soda you got soda *grabs the drink and tosses it So what is it you really wanted? C: goose and pineapple i guess Me: Well that's definitely going to taste different.

There was this one chick from a party months ago that I took special care of and created a monster. There isn't much more in the bar that ticks me off when you take advantage of my kindness (sometimes laziness too lol). So this chick comes back to haunt me every so often and she's quite the binge drinker. When she gets a little toasty, she starts buying shots for everyone in a 360 degree radius. So she decided that she was buying shot for about 4 ppl. She ordered kamikaze's (which is a very weak shot at our bar, we use nonalcholic triplesec lol). The waitress gives them to her and doesn't collect a card. Later she orders more and clearly doesn't need anymore. She gets the round and tries to lay a kiss on my waitress, who runs and hides until she's gone. Now I have to deal with her. Great. She comes up to the bar and can't find her waitress (imagine that, probably because she's hiding in my storeroom) and needs to close her tab. I call on my manager to help me cut her off. She wants one last round. I ask her for her credit card. She gives it to me. We can't find her tab with the waitress, manager says he'll just comp them later to get her out of the bar lol. I ask her how many she had. She says she ordered 8 from the waitress and then had me make 4 more. I told her I didn't make them. She argued I did and she should be charged for them. I didn't argue lol I rang up 12 shots, ran her card and kept the $20 she tipped me for having to deal with her. Binge drinkers really create headaches for us service industry workers, however we have no problems taking full advantage of how much a pain in the ass you are.

Notes from the shift: If you are wearing hooker boots, thigh high boots OR even leather up to the knee boots you need to go home and change your shoes! Its friggin summer and 90 degrees outside! Even I know this being a tshirt and jeans girl! Rat Ranch four nigthts this week... man they draw some crazy ppl in lol Like the guy who dances infront of the stage (whom, by the way, doesn't tip!) He has his own video on youtube posted by a random customer because he dances like he's on crack. Adults who throw up in a bar and get thrown out should have to pay for the carpet cleaning. It smelled like barf all night long, and I had to hear about it as well as smell it the rest of my shift. If your buddy is getting tossed out and doesn't want to leave, let his drunk butt find his own way home lol I advise the 5 min rule. If the "I'm leaving in 5 mins with or without you" doesn't work then that's their own fault. If you weigh more than 300 lbs, please take careful notice of how your clothes fit. I saw 2 pairs of butt cracks, the back of one very large thong (I seriously didn't know they made them that big, and imo it should be illegal) and the worst camel toe in history through a pair of jeans. Gross *enter gagging noises here. It did cross my mind what happened if she fell over and passed out.. who would be able to pick her drunk ass up? IF you are riding a motorcycle, don't argue with the door guy and then try to throw a punch at him when he tells you that you are not riding the bike home. Just get in the stupid cab!

2010-05-17T06:20:00.000-07:00

I had an average weekend. Lots of drunken people, two nights of The Maxx (which even though you guys are ridiculously loud, enjoyed your music), only had one night where the credit cards and computers crashed, decided after watching this old couple make out like teenagers at the bar that there should definitely be an age limit that you are allowed to publicly display this kind of behavior and the ever looming roach problem is a really big problem. Saturday night when I arrived there was a big nasty roach (horns and all) still stuck from the night before in between the screens on the register. This one was lodged at a better location than last time. He only affected the pulling up a couple of tabs. How ever through the whole shift I got to watch him slowly die. By the end of the night, his leg would twitch every so often. It was really gross and even my bosses agreed. On Wednesday, the regulars in the corner were turning over our tip jars and trapping them on the bar. They thought it was funny. They were competing to see who could trap the most. OH!! and did you know the show soft porn late night on Telemundo? LOL They were asking for a soccer game and they put it on the only one the could find on Telemundo. Sometime after the game, one of the boys notices whats on the TV. Some naked guy bang'n a girl from behind LOL. Needless to say, one of the bartenders ran to change it. Only a few customers complained ~.-

So since I don't have any real customer stories (I was stuck in the well all weekend), I will share an archive from Sam's Boat.

C: Shiner pitcher please. Me: how many glasses? C: 4 Me: that will be $6 please. C: stares at me with a blank expression on his face Me: after a couple of awkward seconds... I said its $6. C: blinks. Me: Can I please have $6 for this pitcher please? C: no response. Me: What are you f**king deaf?! ENTER C2. he walks up behind him and says to me... C2: well yes he is actually. All of us that table over there are from the deaf society. Me: feels the need to duck down behind the bar and hide.....

They actually were pretty cool after that and came in pretty frequently. They teased me every time too.

2010-05-14T11:11:00.001-07:00

Been awhile since my last update mainly due to not working enough shifts to produce any new material. Been studying and prepping for a test I just finished taking. So since I don't have really anything to report, I'm going to share a short story from a friend whom I play a game with. He's a bartender in the UK.

This one is for you Thunder ~.-

(conversation on the game)
Thunder: anyone watch Family Guy? Me: of course! I love Stewie!! Thunder: well I think I met the old man tonight. Me: The child molester one? lol Thunder: yeah, him Me: That's awesome! lol tell me what happened Thunder: Well he freaked out the other bartender so bad he wouldn't wait on him. Me: No way!! lol tell me! Thunder: I'll message it to you....

Open the message:
The guy had asked the bartender if he had a girlfriend. Bartender said yes and he was very happy with her. She gave awesome head. The old guy replied to that statement with "I have no teeth"

OH and btw I found some funny youtube videos called "the bartender hates you". Most of the stuff of course I'd love to do to customers, but can't. I would though if I won the lottery and didn't care about my job.

2010-05-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

There was only one from last night, but it was enough to piss me off for the rest of the night.

C: Can I get an absolute and (enter mutter here) Me: I'm sorry we're out of absolute. C: ok what else do you have? Me: sputter off about 6 other vodkas C: I guess stoli will be ok Me: Ok, so that's a stoli and ? C:*turns around and starts talking to his buddy. Me: Excuse me sir? Oh well. You'll get thirsty eventually. Start taking other people's orders and making them. About 15 mins later customer turns around C: Hey where's my drink. Me: I told you we were out of absolute, you requested stoli and when I asked what you wanted with it you turned around. C: I want stoli Me: I know. what do you want with it? C: Stoli Me: (getting irritated) I KNOW, do you want it on the rocks, with juice, tonic? What? C: I want it with redbull. Me: Serve him his drink. C: Can I get it tall please? Me: really? C: yeah, i want a bigger glass Me: pour it into a bigger glass, add more ice and redbull. C: aww now you watered it down Me: I'm sorry, you didn't ask for a double. C: well put another shot in there. Me: Um yeah I need you to drink some of it down so I can fit another shot in there. C: no just add it on top! Me: (Pick up a glass, turn it over and proceed to bang my head a couple of times against it to mock banging my head on a wall) Dude, its not going to fit! C: OH. (sips his drink) Me: Pours one very short shot of stoli's C: that's it. Me: (fuming) That will be $11.50. C: you charged me for the second shot? Me: What did you expect me to do? C: hook me up and stick the money in your tip jar. Me: I don't what bar you normally go to but that's not how we do it here. Plus you're not worth losing my job over. $11.50 please. C: You're such a bitch. Hands me a $20, takes his change and walks off.

I had to walk away from the bar at the point. Emergency potty breaks are good for moments like that. I swear there needs to be a mandatory policy in this country that everyone out of high school must serve one year in the service industry so they can learn some couth.

2010-05-01T01:26:00.000-07:00

C: Can I get a budlight and a miller lite? Me: sure, $6.50. C: hands me a very tangled and wadded up $20 bill Me: hands him back $13.50 in a wadded bundle C: wtf? Me: isn't that how you gave it to me? ~hee hee

C: 2 starfu**ers and crown and coke Me: Yes sir, it will be $19.25 C: hands me a credit card Me: Open or close sir? C: Open please Me: I'm going to give it right back. Swipe card, declined. go back to the customer, "Excuse me sir, do you have another form of payment? This card has been declined." C: Are you sure? Me: Positive. C: I just put money in there today. Me: I'm only telling you what my computer tells me. C: But I have plenty of money in there. Me: I'm sorry sir but it doesn't tell me why you don't have sufficient funds in your account. It just says declined. Hands him the receipt with the words.... DECLINED... on it. C: As soon as I got off from work I went and put money in my bank account. Me: I'm sorry sir however I'm going to need another form of payment or I'm going to have to confiscate your drinks. C: But.. Me: I'm not going to repeat myself. I'm not trying to be rude, however I am busy. C: hands me a $20 and tells me to keep the change........

C: (Staring at my cleavage) Can I get 2 budlights? Me: Hey! Up here, those don't serve drinks!

I was embarking on a conquest tonight to educate the misinformed about the spread of germs via "licking salt" off the neck of a bottle. This new trend in "dressed" mexican beer has probable cause to show rise in such illnesses as strep throat, flu, mad cow disease, possibly cancer, herpes, erectile pineal dysfunction, food poisoning, brain tumors, and the ever looming H1N1. Although the research is still in testing, a series of tests performed on homeless people across the US show the results are astoundingly creditable. One who partakes in dressing their long neck with salt are imposing a health epidemic on the US citizens. The FDA is considering a mandatory "Face Mask" station at the entrance of every bar in the United States. Long Neck Lickers beware!

On arrival and through the whole shift my waitresses, who honestly deserve a better title, kept praising me for being there. I love when my girls miss me! Even if its because the boys don't pay attention to them or don't serve them fast enough. The waitress well needs love too, and girls, I'm here for you! Rock on!

2010-04-25T02:33:00.000-07:00

oh and the only good bar joke I heard tonight....

why do men read maps so well?

Its because they are the only ones who can imagine 1" equals a mile.

-hee hee

2010-04-25T02:24:00.000-07:00

I only worked two days this week. I also happened to work two late shifts. This is what occured during my shifts....

Friday:

Arrive at the bar and we already have a group of people on one tab that is around $400 when I clock in. pparently they had been there since about 5pm. I clock in at 9pm. They close down the bar, close the tab out and its about $1k. They give us $200 on the tab and $200 in cash. Now that's the way a corporation should take care of the servers! Good on ya mate!

I go to the restroom. I am in the process of flushing and pulling down my skirt when I hear a loud bang and the floor trembles. I walk out to find a circle of people around this guy who has passed out and taken a table and 2 chairs down with him. All I see are two legs and feet, not moving. Apparently this guy has passed out before and this was another occurance. Dude, you need to seek rehab.

C: (in an inaudiable voice and turning his head away from me) mumbles a drink order Me: I'm sorry, what was that? C: repeat Me: I can't hear you, can you repeat that? C: repeat Me: (grabs his head and faces it towards me) repeat that please C: repeat Me: (grabs his head again and holds it in place facing me) say that one more time C: I want a Shiner draft. Me: Well thank you! I'm not sure you noticed but there is a LOUD band playing behind you!

On a side note, I actually got asked by the same girl 4 times to make her a greygoose and vodka. No shit. When did greygoose and cranberry get mistaken for this?

Saturday:

I arrive and get behind the bar. The very first transaction is a credit card transaction. I tell them, the stapled copy is mine and the other is yours. Customer takes off with the stapled copy. (sigh) Already the customers are not listening to me. Seriously? Already? The next 4 drink orders from customers and every bottle I touch runs out of alcohol. This is going to be a long night.....

C: Can I have a snakebite? Me: serves the beer cocktail. That will be $4.75 C: and a margarita? Me: is that all? C: (talking to his friend about what he ordered) and another snakebite? Me: (sigh) ok. $13.75 C: I also would like some darts Me: ok that will be $13.75 for the drinks and a credit card and an ID or an ID and a $10 deposit for the darts C: huh? Me: Ok, obviously you guys were smoking in the parking lot before you came in! (in a tone like I'm talking to a 2 year old) It will be $13.75 for the drinks..... and for the darts I need a credit card and an ID, OR an ID and a $10 deposit. C: how much are the darts? Me: (looks left then looks right) they are free. Just need what I asked for. You'll get them back when you return them. C: So the darts are free? Me: (getting aggrivated) Yes. The darts are free providing proper deposit to borrow them, the drinks however are NOT free. 5 mins later, they finally get it together.

When? When did it become a drink order to ask for your mixer before the alcohol?! You don't ask for a coke and rum or a cranberry and vodka! You ask for a vodka and cranberry, a crown and coke, a RUM and COKE!!! 13 years behind the bar and this is what I have to deal with. It may seem dumb, but when you order from a bartender, we group things in our heads such as beer, shots, wine, and alcohol. When you order your mixer FIRST, it throws us all off.

OK, last note on the bar: We are a 32 year old bar. We have issues. Roaches are one of them. They have morphed into a type of roach I have never witnessed. Instead of being large in size or having wings, these things have these horned things on their backs! Totally wicked looking! I've never seen anything like them! Oh and not to mention the whole shift on Friday I had to enter in my transactions around a dead small roach from inside our touch screen. He was lodged in between the screens. I found it rather difficult to enter in tips because he was in the way of the number 2 on the touch pad. 2 is rather important when entering in tips. Totally gross!!! Although he wasn't there for the Saturday shift.... odd.

Just so everyone knows, we don't serve food. We do however share property with other businesses that could attract these nasty creatures. I've been told if we spray for roaches, which we do weekly, we'll have more fruit flys, and if we spray for fruit flys, we'll have more roaches....... Seriously, there is no win on this situation.

2010-04-18T02:13:00.000-07:00

so nothing exceptionally dumb happened tonight. I thought maybe I would share an old experience. Only two people I talk to every now and then will remember this story.....

Sunday afternoon. Bar in Dallas. I am a bar manager set to go in and manage/bartend around 5. I get a call around 3 from my security guard telling me I'm need to come in early, there has been an event.

I show up. My red headed, hot tempered bartender has a paramedic working on her head, dressing her wounds. The bar is half empty according to her. I run over and ask what happened. She tells me this bitch hit her over the head with our fish bowl. About this time I'm a little confused. Fish bowl? Oh you mean that bowl we put the business cards in for a monthly drawing for a free lunch? Yeah thats the one. I stop asking questions and let her do her thing. I carry on and finish setting up the bar for a slow night. Once the bar empties out from the day shift and the afternoon football games, some employees and myself head to the office to watch the surveillance camera's for what really happened. And it goes a little something like this.....

Courtney, the red headed bartender, looks like she's having a normal shift. About 20 bar customers on a sunday afternoon watching football, eating and having some beers. There is this girl that keeps coming to the bar every 15 mins. After the 3rd time you can tell that Courtney is getting frustrated. There is no audio on the tape so we watch for body language. You can see the bartender flipping her hair out of the way, shaking her head. Who knows what is going on. The next transaction between this girl and Courtney is long. You can tell there is some aggressive behavior from both girls. You see Courtney pacing up and down the bar. The next time that girl comes up to the bar, both are pointing fingers and waving arms. Its clear they are in an argument. Both girls are showing signs of aggression towards each other by waving arms, pointing fingers and running their mouths. The talk escalates to the girls aggressively pointing to the end of the bar and then running towards it, except the customer picks up the fish bowl and carries it to the end of the bar. When they meet, the customer bashes Courtney over the head with the fish bowl. Without hesitation Courtney takes the blow and immediately grabs the customer by the hair and starts to beat her head with her fist repeatedly. After she grabs a hand full of hair and bashes her in the head with her knee. The boys in the bar try to break them up. It all ends with the guys the customer was with dragging the girl kicking out the door and Courtney restrained by other customers.

This was all viewed on cameras. No charges were ever pressed and Courtney didn't loose her job, only because we had no one to replace her.

2010-04-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

guy in the middle of the bar on his cellphone, hanging half way across it propped up on his elbows. I have noticed he's been there for a couple of minutes but he hasn't made eye contact. I make one sweep, two sweeps, three sweeps and he is still deep in his conversation over the loud band (I must have a really crappy phone lol). Customer reaches OVER the bar and stops me like a toll both gate arm. C: Excuse me, you've been ignoring me and I'd like a drink? Me: Pfft! I'm sorry if no one has informed you of this thing called cellphone etiquette. I advise if you want a drink to put down your damn phone down long enough to make contact and order your drink. Now quit being rude and I'll be with you in just a moment. C: -look of shock and disbelief

Here are a couple of examples why bartenders hate girls, and groups of them.

2 girls at the bar gossiping. Me: Hey ladies, what can I get for you? C1: I'll have a malibu and coke C2: Do you have any drink specials? Me: Spurt off the happy hour specials C2: umm. what kind of wine do you have Me: cheap. we have every color. C2: What kind of red do you have? Me: Liberty Creek Cab and Merlot. C2: ugh..... give me a second please. Me: sure.... make the other drink for C1. serve $3 please. C2: ok I'll have a glass of chardonnay. Me: serve $2.50. C1 and C2 both give me seperate credit cards to open.

The rest of the night they sit outside with a waitress running her around ordering their drinks from her, promising on the "next round" to get it from the bar, which they don't. 4 drinks each later they come in to close their tabs. The waitress sends me on tab and tells me to put it on the chard chick cuz she said so. C2: we'd like to close out please Me: closes out the card and hands it over C2: Miss? this is just wrong. you've over charged me and I want you to fix it now. Me: Excuse me? I'll be with you as soon as I'm done serving these 8 shots of patron. So I walk over and she's got all this stuff circled. C2: I didn't drink these malibu's Me: Yeah I know. Your girl here did. C2: Well I'm not paying for them. Me: You must think that I'm in capable of taking them off your tab and adding them to hers by the tone of your voice. C2: Just fix it. Me: I fix it and close both tabs and take a shot for pure attitude adjustment.

Group of girls 2- They are all in a circle yapping about clothes, boys, etc. I approach with caution. Can I help you ladies? C1: Yes can I get a Jagerbomb? Me: go to serve and she's on the other side of her lady horde. so I set it aside. The rest of the lady horde are still yapping with some backs to the bar. Long story short they finally turn around to order, one by one each separately closing their one drink to a credit card. Finally the one chick who ordered the JB says to me C1: I ordered a jagerbomb from you like 10 mins ago. Me: Yeah I know and its been sitting there (pointing to her shot) waiting for you to pay for it. It takes her 10 more mins to give me exactly 7 wadded up dollars to pay for her stink'n shot.

2010-04-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

Guys standing at the bar talking with empty drinks. Me: Would you care for another round? C: Sure! Two double bourbons and diet coke with lime. Me: Serves and asks for payment C: I have a tab Me: What's the last name? C: Swanson Me: -looks up on our tabs and cannot locate the customer's tab.. "Excuse me, did you open your tab at this bar or maybe with a waitress?" C: Oh yeah I opened it with Hope (pointing to her from across the bar) Me: Why the hell did you order from me then? I don't have access to her or anyone else's tabs other than the ones at this bar -walks away shaking my head.

2010-04-15T06:32:00.000-07:00

C: What do you have on tap? Me: I can name them for you, or you could turn around and look at them. You do have your back to the bar. C: Oh you have a lot! Me: Yeah we do. That's why I sympathize with a man who hasn't acquired the "eyes in the back of the head" trick like us women.

C: ML draft please Me: $1.75 C: Really? Me: Yes its our Wednesday special. C: Seriously? Me: seriously C: this beer is really $1.75?! Me: -eyeroll if you ask one more time I'm charging you double.

2am bar closes. 2:15am everyone is kicked out. 2:30am all tabs except the band's are closed and tips counted. 2:45 band tab is still open. Everything is clean, counted, organized...waiting on the band to finish paperwork. 3am Band closes all their tabs except one. Where is Seven (yes Seven is his name)Have you seen Seven? Can you pay his $19 tab so I can go home? No, can you find him please? 3:30am Seven is located. He's banging some girl in the parking lot. 3:45 out of pity his son pays his tab! Stupid Rockers.

2010-04-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

The bar has been pretty disappointing as far a dumb customers are concerned. However tonight there were a few instances to display such behavior. It took all of 3 night shifts this week to finally get some material for the blog. Funny how it all happened in one blissfully slow night. I had decided to have a couple of cocktails before my 10 o'clock shift to make my mood slightly enhanced, and boy am I glad I did because it started off with some foreigners that had zero clue how to order drinks......Did I mention the band had a girl singer so we got to hear some things I've never heard in a bar lol Like Madonna. They were all dresses as characters. One guy was super Mario, another looked like dragon ball Z, the bass player looked like Speed Racer (helmet and goggles included) and the lead singer chick looked like a slut lol

C: What do you have on tap? Me: Seriously? (standing infront of the beer taps) C: Yeah. Me: Would you like for me to name them off for you? C: Yes. Me: Bud, Budlight, Millerlite, Coorslight, Shiner, Ultra, Killians, Woodchuck Apple, Sam Adams, Sam Adams Seasonal, Blue Moon, Shock Top, Bass, Harp, Guiness, Dos XX, Sierra Nevada,Stella, New Castle, Boddingtons. C: Do you have Budlight? Me: (look of disbelief) Yes. C: Give me one of those. Me: -serves the beer $3.25 C: ok I have one more coming Me: So you want me to wait? C: Yeah I have to go get my buddy at the door, your bouncer won't let him in. Me: .... 20 mins later C: ok he'll have a Shiner Me: $7 but there's a $10 service charge for making me wait. C: Really? Me: unfortunately not but wouldn't that be nice? C: Gives me exact change......

Girls arrive at the bar in a group. C: Can we get 3 bullblasters and 3 Dos XX Me: Bottle or draft C: yeah Me: Is that bottles or draft? C: whatever Me: -serves 3 bottles and 3 bullblasters C: We wanted drafts Me: Whatever is not a valid answer to my previous question of bottles or draft. C: We'll take the bottles. This is for one Dos XX -hands me a credit card, and this is for 3 of the shots -hands me another credit card, and how much is the rest. Me: I don't know. I failed 8th grade level math.

C: Give me a beer. Me: Want me to choose it for you? C: Well what do you have? Me: -sigh I have a lot C: on draft? Me: Everything behind me C: Hmmmm -walks away and leaves his buddy at the bar Me: So are you going to choose? C: Ummmm, give us a Stella Pitcher. Me: How many glasses? C: 6 Me: Honey you're going to need another pitcher. One pitcher holds 4 glasses C: Ok give me two then. Me: -serves the two pitchers $31 please C: I only have $20 Me: We take credit cards too. C: Can you take back the othe pitcher? Me: Seriously? C: Yeah. Me: Ok. -pours out the other pitcher..... C: Wait he'll pay for the second. Me: You just made me waste an entire pitcher of beer C: Can you retrieve it? Me: This dog don't hunt.

2010-04-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

Customer has been ordering pitchers of beer and not tipping. So naturally since I'm in the service industry, I serve accordingly. No tip, slow service lol Hence T.I.P.S. = To Insure Prompt Service. On the third transaction I let my regular finish his joke before addressing the customer and asking him for his order....

C: Excuse me? Me: One sec please C: I need a drink Me: I'm in the middle of a conversation one sec C: Can I get a pitcher of Budlight Me: Pours the pitcher with a good amount of head on it.. $10 please C: Are you racist or something? Me: I don't discriminate. I hate everyone equally.

2010-04-02T02:10:00.000-07:00

At last call....

C: I'll have two rum and cokes Me: makes the drinks, serves and asks for $7.50 and notices he has two rum and cokes in front of him C: Where did these come from? Me: You ordered them from me C: No I didn't Me: Oh yes you did. C: Where did these other two come from? Me: Perhaps you double ordered. One from me and one from the other bartender? C: No I just ordered Me: Well you still owe me $7.50 from my order C: I'm not paying for your drinks Me: Seriously? C: Yeah, I didn't order these from you? Me: So who did you order them through? C: I don't know. I asked and they appeared Me: Well I didn't make up your drink order from my butt C: Its all your fault. Me: Excuse me? C: Its all your fault for making my drinks Me: Are you going to be paying for these or not? C: No I didn't order them from you! Me: ~gives the best evil eye I can give, removes the drinks and pours the drinks down the drain...... then adds them to my spill tab.

2010-04-01T01:15:00.000-07:00

C: 2 jagers and 2 bombs. No, 2 bulljagers. Wait 2 jagerblasters. Um.... Me: 2 jagerbombs?? C: Yeah those. Me: Are you sure you need anymore? C: of course Me: $14 C: you charge $14 for nyquil? Me: No I charge $14 for 2 jagerbombs. C: You don't think they taste like nyquil? Me: No I think they taste like ass. C: so you charge $14 for ass? Me: Yep! pay up. C: "shouting at the next customer" Don't drink anything she serves you! she'll charge you $14 for something that she says tastes like ass!! Me: ^sigh

C: Can I have a big bluemoon with a shot of chambord? Me: In the same glass? C: yes Me: Let's clarify this... bluemoon with a shot of chambord? C: yes Me: really? C: Yes Me: ^serves a shot of chambord and a 22oz bluemoon "I wasn't sure of the ratio so I gave you both in seperate glasses....... ( in my head... yeah that just sounds gross but I'm too nice to tell you that)

2010-03-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

So Tuesday I had a gentleman that tipped me $100 on a $28 tab but it was because I gave his friend shit the whole time he was there. I ragged on him for talking crap about his air hockey talents and lost. Then I ragged on him about his lack of vocabulary. Every other word was a curse word. I told him he needed a bigger vocabulary in order to describe his emotions. That is what won me this big tip. That is a lame story compared to some of the stories I have in my archives. So here is one that is more exciting....

I opened the bar and the first customer I served asked for a ketle one and water tall. He said it without a slur so I had no idea he was already drunk and nursing his habit. After a sip or two he asked for another one. I mentioned that he had not finished his first one. He said it was watered down and needed another one. I served him another one and threw away his first one. This went on for about 30 mins. I asked for a form of payment and he gave me $200 cash and said to start him a cash tab. I did. Everyone from there on out that came up to the bar he asked to put their drinks on his tab. The tab started getting bigger quickly. Even with $2 drinks here and there. Half way through my day shift he's starts talking about how he bought the hotel across the street. The Hilton. I was skeptic as always because everyone lies in a bar about who they are. He kept making phone calls on his cell and passing the phone making me talk to random people to prove he had bought this hotel. First his son, the award winning quarter back of some prestigious college (which turned out to be ligit) to his girlfriend and his driver. I'm starting to get busy and still putting everyone's drinks on his growing tab. His driver finally shows up in the bar to "vouch" for his boss. About this time his tab is getting to the point of needing more money. This man hands me his debit card, gives me his pin number, and tells me to go pull out another $200 to keep the tab running. Skeptical I go downstairs to the ATM machine, pull out the money and notice he has about $50k in his checking account.... Really? Seriously. The rest of the night is a nightmare. He continues to buy everyone who comes up to the bar a round of drinks while he sips on barely touched drinks and orders more. He starts demanding more attention even though the bar is getting busier. He begins to start crossing the line of customer/bartender relations. Demanding I pay more attention to him although the bar is progressively picking up. Long story short, he's demanding food however we don't have food. Hell we don't even have a kitchen!

He gives me his credit card and tells me he wants sushi. Well the sushi restaurant conveniently shut down a week before and we have to order from NY pizzaria. We order enough to feed the bar. They show up, he's still ordering me around, yada yada yada.

All in all after running my hiney around, trying to compensate for his demands, he's still drunk, now his driver is drunk and he decides to close his tab out. He tells me to pocket the cash and hands me a credit card. He pays the tab, tips $100 on the tab.

So for a 6 hour shift, this man buys almost everyone a drink in the bar, demands my undivided attention plus unexpected food service and ends up tipping me $500 not including what I made from "regular" ppl at the bar.

In my opinion, it was an adventure, but not worth it. I don't do the experience justice with my story. It was long, inconvenient and worthy to make the blog of stupidity.

I mean if you had that much money to blow... go to a topless bar if you want that kind of service lol