Life Less Complicated...in 3 Easy Steps

make yoga part of your (and your child's!) day

2010-04-29T08:48:00.002-04:00

We can all use a little stretch and relaxation every now and then. Here are 3 easy yoga techniques you can do at a moment's notice to find peace and serenity (think George Costanza's dad saying, "Serenity now!") in the midst of a hectic day.

1. pranayama
This is a big word for "breathing." To be technical, Prana is the life force energy in air and Ayama is control. To benefit, become aware of your breathing. As you inhale, think inhale. As you exhale, think exhale. Repeat 4 or 5 times, pausing in between each inhalation and exhalation. Try to exhale a tad longer than you inhale. To take it a step further, aim to have your breath expand your belly rather than letting the breath stop at your chest.

2. meditation
Yoga followers talk about the "monkey brain." Some take it further and refer to our mind as "a drunken monkey stung by a scorpion." If you can picture what this might look like, relate that to the number of thoughts running through your mind at any given time. Meditation comes in to help calm the thoughts--it's the reset button we all need. Find 5 minutes, sit in a comfortable position, and stare at something, anything, for the count of 30. Now, close your eyes and focus on the image on the inside of your eyelids (the contrast, or negative image of what you were just looking at). Here's one such image at http://www.hereinreality.com/optical/optical7.html

3. lie down
Yep, it's that simple :) If you are overwhelmed, stressed, scared, worried, confused...you name it, take 5 minutes and lie down. Calm your body first before calming your mind. Lie on your back, in yoga this is the Savasana pose, or corpse pose. Yes, that sounds awful, but the idea is that you completely let go of this physical body and retreat to your mind, or your being. It sounds so simple, yet it is truly difficult to just relax, to just be. Don't be discouraged, lie down and you'll begin to feel its healing and restorative powers almost immediately.

be the change

2010-03-08T13:08:00.003-05:00

The world is full of movers and shakers, people who not only stretch the envelope, but completely re-define it. You have ideas. You know what would make the world a better place--whether it's a good home cooked meal in your family's bellies or an innovative approach to the status quo at work. Get out there and do it. Here are 3 ways to bring those dreams to life.

1. humor every idea
Take time to really dive into each of your "crazy" ideas. True, some may be ridiculous, but how do you know until you look into the details. Think of the diamond-in-the-rough (cliche, I know, but it fits), sift through the minutiae and get to the nitty-gritty of your brain-child.

2. release the nay-sayers
My goodness are there nay-sayers, and I-told-you-so-ers, and people waiting in the comfort of "doing nothing" to point out mistakes. You have to let go of trying to please these people. Surprisingly, some of your loved ones might fit into this category. Still love them, still enjoy their company, just let go of wanting their approval for this new venture you're working on.

3. be willing to put your money where your mouth is
Fact of the matter is that sometimes things cost money. It's too easy to put off your idea as a pipe dream and refuse to put any funds towards it, saying that it would be a waste. Put your money on the table, believe in yourself and see where it goes.

help with peer pressure in the classroom

2010-03-03T11:49:00.001-05:00

Come on, everyone’s doing it.

It’s no big deal, just tell me what was on the test—it’s not like we’re cheating or anything.

Peer pressure is everywhere. To say it’s avoidable is hardly accurate. However, it is possible to arm students with self-knowledge and put a few coping strategies in their pockets for the next time they feel peer pressure staring them down. Here are three lessons to help your students see beyond “tattle-taling” (which they never want to do) as the only answer.

1. staring contest
Introduce the idea of peer pressure. Ask the students what that pressure looks like, how it sounds, and most importantly how it feels. After the discussion, ask for a few volunteers to sit in a prominent place in the room. Have the class act out some of the descriptions of what peer pressure looks/sounds like (from discussion above). The audience members may start at their seat and then, at your invitation, move closer in proximity to the volunteer in the “hot seat.” After a few minutes of this pressure, have all the students return to their seats and ask for them to describe their experience:

If you were in the hot seat, was it hard to sit still while people were staring at you?

If you were in the crowd, did you feel you had to act like someone else?

2. advice jar
Adults offer advice all day long. Sometimes kids like to hear what other kids have to say about getting out of sticky situations. Send a jar around the room. On a slip of paper you provide, ask students to write a question about a tough peer pressure situation. Be sure to remind the students “no name, no blame” to avoid talking about specific people, and keep the questions anonymous. After everyone has placed their questions into the jar, begin to draw out slips and read them (you read the slips for any last minute editing to avoid discussing a person rather than simply an event). Ask for advice from the class as to how they might handle the peer pressure.

3. secret signal
For the student who is reluctant to ask for adult help for fear of offending a peer, have a private conversation about the peer pressure. Develop a secret signal the student can do to alert you to the uncomfortable situation. Rather than having to leave his/her social group to get you, this signal will bring you to the group. If you hear the peer pressure happening, step in and have a mini-lesson on the spot about how to get along without pressuring one another out of comfort zones.

feed your soul like you would your belly

2010-02-09T14:36:00.004-05:00

Many of us take care of others in one form (bank teller) or another (parent) all day long. If we aren't careful, this give-give-give philosophy can quickly lead to burn out and exhaustion. We know the right way to eat--more real food, less processed products, pronounce-able ingredients. Nutrition is a key piece to wellness, but only a piece. We need to be able to rattle off the same list of strategies for feeding our soul. To get you started, here are three easy ways to feed your soul the same healthy way you feed your belly.

1. golden list
Each morning, in that moment between sleeping and awakening, linger in the calm stillness and create your golden list. Start with naming 3 people, places, events, comments, etc that make you feel good. Hold onto those good feelings you are conjuring up. Set your intention for the day to be open to more experiences that feel just as good. Follow what the day brings you--your eyes are now open to the possibility of new experiences bringing you joy.

2. be selfish
Say no to other people, schedule a solid hour for lunch, close your office door...whatever it takes to give yourself a break from the constant demands of the outside world. To be clear: block out a chunk of time on your calendar and keep it for you--this is your sacred time to find peace in the hectic work day. If you had a magic wand, what would you do now that your door is shut? That giant pile of filing, clean off your desk, read all 200 emails in your inbox so that red flag will finally disappear? Use this time each day to take care of your immediate needs. Trust me, anything on the other side of the door will be just fine waiting for one hour--and you'll be in a better place to deal with it after your "selfish time."

3. laugh
Find the funny in each day. Each moment doesn't require a full bent-over, can't-catch-your-breath type of laugh. Sometimes a smile is just enough to help you find humor in daily life. Laughter releases endorphins in the brain and has even been linked to increasing immune functions.

thought stopping techniques

2010-02-09T14:35:00.007-05:00

When negative thoughts keep swirling in your mind and you just can't seem to turn your brain off, everything you attempt is that much more difficult. Remember--you are in charge of your thoughts! Next time you are stuck in a mental traffic jam, try one of these methods to regain control of your thoughts.

1. breathing
Notice your heart rate. Now, consciously breathe in through your nose, fill your belly with air (not just your chest), pause, and then breathe out your mouth. As you do this, say: In through the nose, notice the pause, and out through the mouth. Take several of these slow, relaxing breaths until you start to feel the tension associated with the negative thoughts. By focusing on your breath and repeating the mantra, you've regained control of what you are thinking about.

2. look at the clouds
I once had a yoga teacher tell me this and I honestly thought it was for the birds! Now here I am recommending it, too. The key is practice. When you have a thought, telling yourself to simply stop thinking about it is nearly impossible. So, accept the thought but distance yourself from it. Picture the thought as a cloud floating across your mind. Stay with the thought until the cloud floats out of sight. If another cloud (or the same one!) comes back, simply repeat the process.

3. let go of the old
If you're tired of ruminating about the same frustrating things, take a mental inventory of what you're holding onto. In order to fit new items into a stuffed closet, some old items must be removed. Think of all the grudges, annoyances, and unfulfilling relationships you are holding onto. Why do these things mean so much that you let them control you, your thoughts and your feelings? Start small, but let go of one thing that's not bringing you joy. Once you clear this mental space, it's free to let in new and exciting thoughts and ideas.

start thinking about wellness

2010-02-09T14:17:00.002-05:00

Wellness is the new word. Most of us are done with thinking about how far behind we are--not thin enough, not emotionally-balanced enough...not good enough. The wellness trend is a welcome change. Rather than thinking something is wrong, that we are in some way broken, we assume life is relatively ok. The wellness programs aim to make life even better. Semantics? Maybe. But how we think is how we feel which leads to how we act. If we think something is wrong, then we'll act like it is. If we assume we are ok, that there are areas we can improve to be even better, then we'll ultimately have more confidence to make those changes.

Here are 3 ways to incorporate wellness into your life today!

1. body
We really are what we eat. What did you eat today? Try to incorporate one growing, living food item into each day. Once this becomes habit (roughly 30 days) then up your challenge to eating one fruit or vegetable at each meal. The more natural, less processed your diet becomes, the more your body will thank you.

2. mind
What do you think about most? Keep a journal if you are unsure. If your thoughts are leading you down a negative path, start implementing some thought stopping techniques (tomorrow's entry). Once you stop the flow of negative thoughts, you open the door for positive experiences. You have to let some baggage go before you can move on to a new you.

3. soul
Take time to nourish your soul. Honor yourself and set aside key times in the day to focus on you--who you are today and who you hope to become in the future (a future posting will elaborate).

are you a walking ball of nerves?

2010-01-21T10:16:00.002-05:00

Constantly looking around, nervously flipping hair out of eyes, rubbing clammy hands down your thighs as you sit, forgetting to exhale while talking...any of these sound familiar? Put two or three of these behaviors together and WOW! you are a walking ball of nerves. Here are three ways to tame those anxious behaviors and give off the calm energy that will attract people towards you.

1. breathe
The most helpful thing you can do right now is to become aware of your breath. Chances are you are breathing in more air than you are exhaling. This lifts your shoulders and scrunches your neck and creates tension all across your shoulder blades. Try saying this to yourself as your breath: breathe in for 1...2...3... and out for 1....2...3... Stick with it for a few minutes until your breathing is under control. Feel the tension leave your shoulders as they lower from your ear lobes and elongate your neck.

2. close your eyes
Shut out the world by closing your eyes. Chances are, you're hyper-alert right now and your eyelids will resist staying shut. Take time to really focus on all the muscles on your face. Imagine releasing each one individually. Spend time on your forehead, then your eyebrows, then your eye lids, and so on, down your face. Keep coming back to the tension. No worries if it takes a while, just stick with it until your eyes are gently resting shut.

3. prepare
You've gotten your breath under control, your face is relaxed, now prepare a few things you feel comfortable talking about before entering the stressful situation. Have these topics "in your pocket" and ready for a conversation at a moment's notice. There's no shame in preparing conversations--not many people are comfortable winging it, especially when in a stressful setting.

the way to a never-ending supply of creativity

2010-01-20T11:18:00.005-05:00

Too often, we "save" the best of ourselves, thinking that if we use all our great ideas up at once we won't have anything left to say. Here are 3 ways to maintain a never-ending supply of creativity.

1. do what you love
First and foremost--make sure you are doing what you love. But I have to work to pay the bills, I can't do what I love, I have to do what pays!! True, bills are important. But so is your happiness. Happiness leads to health. Health leads to lower medical/weight-loss/therapy-shopping bills. Get my point? Shed what isn't working, it's stifling you. Hold onto your job (you need the money) and put your feelers out there. See what's available. In the mean time, start a hobby. What do you like? Start small, in your home. Invite friends and make a social network around your interests.

2. trust yourself
You've found your hobby, your interest. Trust your talent. If you like what you've created--jewelry, short story, wood work, exercise routine, etc.--then someone else out there will, too. Not that you need outside validation to carry on in your passion, but it doesn't hurt. Get your pieces out into the community. Enter an art show, make your hallway a gallery for a get-together, submit writing samples to contests. Have faith in yourself and your work. Go public with it!

3. use it all up
Each time you create, use all of your ideas--every last one of them. Don't hold back thinking that if you use all these ideas today that you will have nothing to use for tomorrow. There's only so much creative space in your brain, you can use it to hold onto old ideas or clear it out for new ideas.

beat the blues

2010-01-14T10:11:00.002-05:00

The blues stink! How do you make yourself feel better when you, body and mind, are absolutely dragging? Try this 3-pronged approach to get you out of the blues and back to being you.

1. re-think
Our mind is powerful. Think about a happy time--recent or distant, it doesn't matter. Engage all the senses. Where were you? What were you doing? Can you smell or taste anything? What do you hear? Can you feel the breeze or the water or the temperature in your memory? Feel as much as you possibly can. The more senses you activate, the more you will be able to spark that happy feeling (the goal!) you had when the memory was actually happening.

2. re-live
There's nothing wrong with re-runs. If going to the movies with your mom gave you all sorts of warm fuzzies, then then do it again. Whatever that memory was in step 1, do your best to live it again. Even if the memory was fishing with your dad when you were 10, and now you're 40 and your dad is no where near, grab a rod and head to water. There are parts that you can re-create, and these will lift your spirits. Make space in your life for the tried-and-true activities that make you happy.

3. hold on
Is there a memento you can carry with you throughout the day connected to the memory from step 1? It could be a lucky coin you won at the fair, a necklace from your sister, a picture of your kids, or a key chain you bought while on vacation. When you feel the blues creeping in, pull out your charm, hold it in your hand and take a few minutes of quiet time to conjure up those happy feelings once again. Just knowing that trinket is in your hand reminds you that you have the power to pull yourself out of this funk and into the positive feelings.

release anger

2010-01-13T09:55:00.002-05:00

We'd all like to be less angry at times. It's easy to get fired up, rally friends and build a case around how we've been wronged. But once the dust settles and friends have moved on to new drama, how do you let go of the anger you've built up?

1. thoughts
Positive self talk is the starting place. Decide that you are done harboring these angry feelings. Before your day starts, set your intention for the day: I am no longer angry with _____. Think about that intention for a few minutes before jumping into the morning routine. Throughout the day, remind yourself that you are no longer mad. The more you say the words, the more you will believe them.

2. feelings
Spend time doing things you like to do. Re-runs? Chocolate? Girls' night? What ever puts a smile on your face, do it. You are changing how you feel. More importantly, you are not dwelling on the negativity.

3. behaviors
Here's the hard part (that's why its #3). Start acting like you did before the grudge. Skip the tense shoulders, eye rolls and dismissive smirks--these all speak volumes before you even open your mouth. Walk into the room with a smile on. There's no way to smile and frown at the same time. Start talking to people about different topics (as opposed to the fire-fueling conversations you've grown accustomed to recently). Physically move yourself away from people who are trying to drag out the drama.

Keep with it! You're on your way to being anger free!

how to ignore

2010-01-12T13:37:00.002-05:00

Just ignore it! That's the simple answer to everything. Great, but when "it" is really getting under your skin, how do you turn off the emotion and (at the very least) look like you are ignoring.

1. timing
As soon as the negative behavior begins, that is the exact moment you start to ignore. Don't give one minute of attention to the problem--you will inadvertently be reinforcing it (making it happen more).

2. body language
Check your shoulders and your feet. Where are they pointing? Typically these two body parts follow your attention. Turn your body towards something new to focus on. Keep your eyes directed there, too. Most of our communication occurs through these non-verbal cues. Let your body do hard part for you. You're half way there. Now engage your brain--talk to someone new, read the magazine, take in the view.

3. be ready for the praise
The instant the behavior changes into something you like, re-focus your attention on that person. This attention is what will encourage that person's new behavior. Don't be tempted to use this as a time to rehash the poor behavior, just to reinforce the desired behavior by once again interacting with the person.

end revenge

2010-01-11T08:40:00.002-05:00

If you pick on me, I'll pick on you worse...or so the logic goes. What do you when you are stuck in a war of revenge?

1. stop the cycle
It takes two to tango. If one person stops (truly stops, as in he can separate himself from feeling the tug of the argument), then the argument will fizzle out. Easy to say, hard to do. Just tell yourself: I am better than this. I don't need to be berated in this way. I am done with this exchange. Use words that feel right to you, but keep the message the same. Self talk is key. What you tell yourself is how you see the world. If you are saying: This is so unfair, I'm going to get him back! then that is what you will continue to do. Instead, remind yourself that you want out of the dispute.

2. look for the need
What is this person looking for? Revenge takes a lot of energy and usually isn't something that "just happens." Step back and think about your adversary's perspective. How did he feel slighted? How did he feel hurt? Take a close look at your actions. While your intentions may not have been to offend this person, somehow your actions did. What does this person need to move on?

3. feed the need
Clearly this individual is not able or willing to resolve these feelings alone. You are needed for closure. Is it an apology? Give it. Is it time to be heard? Listen. Time to shine at work? Step aside. Independence/trust in decision making? Have faith.

Sometimes we all get stuck in the battle of revenge. It takes a strong person to step aside, decide to make the situation better and then swallow some pride and become part of the solution. One caution: Don't become "holier than thou" because you stepped aside. It takes two to argue and two make up.

stay inspired and keep moving forward

2010-01-07T13:56:00.002-05:00

There are times when we all feel like doing nothing. While laziness feels good once in a while, remaining stagnant for too long can become an unfulfilling habit. Here are 3 easy steps to stay inspired and keep moving forward.

1. ask
You really are the company you keep. Who are you in the group? Are you a peer, a big fish or a student? I'm not suggesting you keep yourself at the bottom of every totem pole. Rather, I'm encouraging you the make sure you are a student somewhere in your life. How boring to have all the answers. Ask questions!

2. do it
Go out on a limb. Try something new. Who knows where it will lead. Don't worry about the peanut gallery, those people waiting for you to fail so they can laugh at you. What are they doing? Probably secretly wishing they had as much guts as you do to tackle that new challenge.

3. connect
Find links between two seemingly diverse areas in your life. Do you sit at your child's soccer practice three nights a week? Are you an accountant? How can these two things connect? Who knows where it will lead.

help your child grieve

2010-01-06T11:50:00.003-05:00

Losing a loved one has got to be one of the most difficult experiences in life. When you're not sure how well you are dealing with your own feelings, helping your child through the grieving process can seem nearly impossible. Here are three easy (and comforting) steps to help your through this painful time.

1. talk
Get it all out. Talk about the good times spent with the loved one. Explore any feelings of guilt. Accept anger and then, like the shampoo bottle directs us to do: repeat. Sometimes it takes a while to understand the weight of what's said, felt and experienced. Just because you or your child can say the words, I'm so sad and mad and confused all at once, doesn't mean that the concepts are truly grasped. Verbalizing the feelings is a great start. You are to clearing up any misconceptions (ex: she's not sleeping, she's dead--this won't happen to everyone who goes to sleep in the hospital) and to making sure feelings aren't bottled up.

2. own part of the process
Share the responsibility of the services. No matter how small the "job" may be, most of us feel better if we can do something. What can your child do? Can she carry a flower, hug a family member, watch younger kids, help prepare food?

3. know when to stop the thought
After some time has passed and you feel like your child has explored her feelings well, keep your ears open for "re-hashing." Conversation moving forward is helpful, stagnant wallowing in sadness is not. If you feel this is happening, help your child stop the thought. Say, Sweetie, I know you miss Grandma, I do, too. But right now it's time to focus on (fill in the blank). There is no guilt, no judgment--just the acknowledgment that it's time to think about ____. Wallowing can become a habit. Set aside a special time to remember the loved one. You're not asking your child to forget, rather you are helping her gain control of her feelings.

teach your child confidence (no matter what age)

2009-12-15T14:05:00.003-05:00

It's painful to watch our children suffer from low confidence. Parents can see all the potential in the world in their children from the outside, but if the child doesn't see that potential, it doesn't matter. How do you hold up the mirror? Here are 3 easy steps to pave the way to future confidence.

1. commitment
Have a frank discussion with your child. You would be amazed at what tough concepts children grasp. By 8th grade, many children readily admit they'd like to have more confidence (social interactions, academics, public speaking). Don't feel you have to wait until then to ask. If your child is exhibiting signs of low self confidence, step in. Start a conversation. Ask, If you had a magic wand, what would you change? This will give great insight as to what the child sees as the problem. The actual term self confidence may not come out. Use the phrasing your child uses (I want to be able to meet new friends--social confidence/I want to ask Mrs. Smith for help in math--academic confidence/I want to be able to raise my hand when I have a question--public speaking). Once you zero in on the desire, ask for a commitment: Let's commit to this. I'll help you the best I can, and you agree to put forth the effort it will take to make this change.

2. thoughts
Listen to your child on a regular basis. I said "listen" rather than "talk" for a reason. Still have a conversation, however, keep an ear out for descriptions. Is your child setting him/herself up for success or failure? Change is shaky ground and there is comfort in the familiar--in this case, past behaviors are the comfort zone. Keep your tone non-punitive, and keep the pressure on. Ask questions like: Who were you thinking about talking to today? Notice there is no judgment about whether or not contact was made, just that the thoughts were there. What math problems were you stuck on? How are you going to figure out the answers? This helps your child think of solutions, and will most likely come back to asking the teacher. Did you feel like raising your hand today? In which class? Again, no shame for not doing so, just keeping the thoughts in mind.

3. actions
Ok, you can only think about things for so long. Now it's time to act. You and your child committed to the process of change. As a parent, you keep working in step 2. At the same time, enlist the help of some trusted school personnel or coaches or mentors...anyone in a leading capacity that can intervene. Let them know what you and your child are working on. Let them know you are keeping the conversation alive at home and are now ready for a little encouragement from the other end. Perhaps the teacher on duty at lunch can arrange new seating assignments, the math teacher could offer an after school session or the language arts teacher could ask your child to read his/her paragraph aloud. Everyone can help set your child up for success.

It truly does take a village to raise a child. Call in the villagers!

go light on holiday gift spending

2009-12-09T05:45:00.003-05:00

We have been in an economic crunch for some time now. However, when holidays come around, there is a big push for lots of presents. This is the year, you've done so well with your budget for the past 11 months, there's no need to blow it now. Here are 3 easy steps to help you go light on gifts this holiday season.

1. go green
Wrapping can eat into your budget. Forgo the fancy ribbons, they just end up in the trash anyway. Wrap your gift in fabric, a dish towel, newspaper, magazines, paper grocery bags the kids decorated, saved bags from years past. You get the idea: reduce, reuse, recycle. Family members will love to see special artwork on the wrappings. Kids will love "finding" wrapping material.

2. one main gift
Kids want one main gift. This month I've been working with students from 3rd to 8th grades, and asking them what they want this holiday season. I wish I could keep a list and tell every parent what was said...most of them want a phone or an ipod touch. Yes, big ticket items. But if you pick one, it's not so bad. And honestly, when the sky was the limit to say what all they wanted, they were hard pressed to say much more. All they asked for was one gift--and that took some thought.

3. do you really want it?
As a parent, you've had a number of these holiday seasons. You have your own bank account and the ability to purchase whatever you want whenever you want. That being said, is there something you haven't bought yet that you really want? Or, it is just the idea of having gifts...or the idea of sharing with friends what your spouse bought you? Find out what your gift receiving mentality is. There's nothing wrong with it, but know what you're dealing with on the front end. Keep your wants in check. Decide what's more important--giving or receiving. Most importantly, when the budget is gone, the shopping ends.

change what's not working in your life

2009-12-08T05:37:00.005-05:00

If something is not working, you know it instantly. Somewhere along the way, a lot of us forget that we have control over our lives--you have the ability to make choices. Here are 3 easy steps to help you come up with options the next time you'd like to see change.

1. reframe
How can you reframe, or see, this situation differently. Let's say that you are so annoyed that your reading group friend is always showing off. It seems like all she does is talk about herself and how great of a reader she is. This can get annoying. What if you looked at it differently? What if you tried to see her as a great teacher, sharing new authors and discussing styles. Or, perhaps you could reframe her as someone who really needs to shine in this reading arena because she has other struggles you are aware of. She still has the same behaviors, but you see them in a different light. No comments need to be made, just a shift in your thought process gives you the space to not be so annoyed.

2. walk away
Simply leave the relationship. If you are in a reading group and her book comments drive you nuts every week, then leave the group. Remember, you can't ask someone else to do something that you are not willing to do yourself. So, don't rally friends to oust the annoying one, you simply move to a different group.

3. make a change
Here's the toughest, but often the most rewarding. Have a conversation with the annoying individual. Without blame, discuss what is working and then what isn't. Come prepared with suggestions (I love our reading group, but I can't help but notice that you seem to dominate the conversation. I love your contributions, but sometimes I feel like I can't get a word in edgewise. Is there some way we can structure our conversations so we all get equal talk-time?). As long as you are respectful and include yourself in the changes, things should work out just fine. You'll be enjoying your reading group in no time!

shed complication from your life

2009-12-06T05:52:00.004-05:00

Keeping it simple can seem complicated. Shedding the layers of trappings we've all slowly but surely added over the years can feel like stepping out on a tight rope. However, rest assured that once you reduce your clutter (material and emotional) you will feel light as air. Here are three areas that benefit most from a mental de-tangling.

1. love life--security vs. love
We provide for the ones we love, or so the logic goes. Unfortunately, this seems to break down in some marriages. Financial security is a pale second to emotional connections. What steps could you take to improve passion or strengthen emotional bonds in your significant relationship? Ask yourself: Is this a relationship of passion or convenience? Is this love or security? The answer is not always to walk away from each other, in fact, walking towards each other is often the first step in rekindling the love.

2. food life--"value added" vs food
Our food system is a mess--my opinion. The concept of "value added" is what big food industries have to explain the use of all the non-food product that's in our kitchens. The "value" they add is cheap shelf life via additives and preservatives. These are inexpensive ingredients which add bulk to the original food (it did start with nature somewhere) and keep the product on the shelf longer (giving you more chances to buy it). What to do? Keep food as close as you can to the way nature intended it. Get in the kitchen. Cook. But I'm too busy... schedules... school... work... Ok. But remember, you are what you eat. Seems like we could all take a little time to examine just what we are putting in our mouths.

3. friend life--the Joneses vs friends
The social ladder is there, keeping up with the Joneses is huge. Decide if this is really a ladder you want to climb. You know who the group's gossip is, the pot-stirrer, the nay-sayer... do you want one of these names? Just what do you have to do to get to the top of the ladder, and when you are there, then what? Step back from the ladder and be friends with each person. There is good in everyone, even those you labeled a few sentences earlier. Letting go of the rivalry gives you new perspectives. Now that you are not in competition with them, you may not even see why you named them in the first place. Judgement is a burden; free yourself.

generosity of self is priceless

2009-12-03T05:40:00.003-05:00

The world needs monetary donations, there is no denying that fact. If you have the means to write a check, take food or offer much needed items, then by all means, do so. However, somewhere along the way, the idea of "generosity" changed, now most of us immediately assume the generous person is one who gives away material goods. Here are 3 easy ways to be generous without spending a dime, and the effects are priceless.

1. your gift
Each of us has a talent, a gift. Perhaps you paint or read or build woodwork, our gifts are usually our hobbies. Share your gift with someone. I read books, how do I share this gift? you may be asking. Simple. Read to someone, start a book club, introduce a new author to a friend (and, of course, give some of those books on your bookshelf away). I paint, how exactly does that work as a gift? The obvious answer would be to give some paintings away as gifts, but what about offering a free class at your church or community center. You don't have to be perfect, just willing to share.

2. inclusion
It doesn't matter how young or old we are, there always seem to be cliques, and there is always a less-popular crowd (or worse, a single, ousted person). We all know who is left out socially. Reach out, include this person. Ask about his/her life story, you will be amazed at the different paths that bring us together in this world. Your new friend will feel the generosity of your time, interest and inclusion.

3. chain reaction
It doesn't matter what you do, just as long as you do something. If you can't muster up the courage to go too far out of your comfort zone just yet, smile. Look at someone and smile a genuine smile. Smiles are contagious and your gift will continue to travel long after your smile fades.

build confidence for the holiday party circut

2009-12-01T05:43:00.004-05:00

It's that time of year. All the parties and mingling are at their peak. That's great for the extroverts, but what about the other half? Fifty percent of us are introverts. If you have a stack of invites collecting on your fridge and want this year to be different (read: you can start a conversation rather than wait in a corner for someone to start one with you), then keep reading. Here are 3 easy steps to build your party confidence.

1. rsvp yes
When the invite comes in, call the host to confirm your attendance. Don't let the invite hang over your head like a dark cloud or wait for something better to come up--just do it. Commit. Put the date in your calendar. Tell people you'll be there. It's tougher to bail out when friends are expecting you.

2. rehearse
Yes, rehearse. You've already established that "winging it" in cocktail conversations is not your style. Have 3 ready-made conversations in your pocket. Be sure two of these topics are shared experiences, as in the others in the conversation will be able to contribute (ex: work related story, family, kids) and the other is specific to you (ex: kite boarding, stamp collecting, dog breeding). If the conversation dips, you can always ask people about themselves (ex: How do you know the host? What do you do for a living? What got you interested in your hobby?). People love to talk about themselves, as long as they don't feel like you are prying.

3. fake it 'till you make it
No one will know the difference if you feel truly confident or if you are faking a confident disposition. So go ahead and fake it 'till you make it. Try on the confidence (NOT arrogance) and start these conversations. You have the tools, now make it your own. With practice, you will be able work a party room without too much pre-planning. Your confidence will shine thru and parties will be fun again.

Happy Holidays!

how to be thankful after Thanksgiving ends

2009-11-30T05:41:00.004-05:00

It's easy to be thankful for each other and all the blessings in our lives on Thanksgiving day. But what about the other 364 days of the year? Here are 3 easy steps to help keep that appreciative spirit all year long.

1. percentages
You can't get 100% out of anyone, meaning that you will never find a person who is 100% perfect. No one is perfect, not even you! But there is always a percentage of the person that is exactly what you are looking for. Some people may be up in the 90s, others down in the teens. No matter what the percentage, there is a part of everyone that you will like. Take note of those qualities and be thankful the individual is in your life. All those percentages can add up to be a great, fulfilling group of friends.

2. food
Yes, the dining table is the gathering place. Even though we over-book ourselves so much of the time, we humans can't escape the need to eat. Carve out a family dinner whenever you can, serve the food from the table (as opposed to leaving the dishes on the stove), and listen to the conversation. Kids grow, interests change, friends come and go...you are all on this journey together. Be conscious of the growth and thankful for being included.

3. invisible people
There are a lot of people in you life who help you through the day--and you don't even know (or care to know) their names. As you travel from sun up to sun down, make an effort to look around at all the faces smiling and hands helping. Living in a vacuum would be a lonely place. Take a moment to say a meaningful "thank you" to someone you have taken for granted.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-23T17:57:00.002-05:00

Enjoy your family and loved ones. Enjoy your friends and colleagues. Eat lots of great comfort food and take time to remember all the ways love touches your life.

Ashley

successful brainstorming

2009-11-19T05:49:00.000-05:00

"Go have a brainstorming session and get back to me with some ideas."

We've all heard this. We all know the goal of brainstorming--to come as with as many ideas as possible. But how the heck are you supposed to go from zero ideas to the brainstorm? Here are three easy steps to get the ideas flowing.

1. quantity over quality
Put everything down on paper (or screen). Nothing is too big or too small or too crazy or too anything. This is one of the few times when quantity overrules quality. No need to think about details, how to make an idea work, how to pay for materials, etc. Let go of your practical side. Everything goes on the list.

2. walk on the wild side
Go big. Go crazy. It's easier to reign in a wild idea than it is to beef up a wimpy one. Let your creativity take the wheel. Easier said than done. Set ground rules ahead of time. This may sound elementary, but it never hurts to remind group members that every comment is respected, each voice is of equal importance and that disrespect (scoffing, dismissal of an idea, snickering, etc) will not be tolerated (go ahead and add that anyone displaying such behavior will be asked to leave the group). This will help group members feel free to unleash their imagination.

3. think "Lego's"
Towards the end of the brainstorming session (but this is not "the" end of it!) start connecting the ideas you've collected. Pass the list around, let group members work with the ideas collected. How can these ideas build on each other? What can you add to someone else's contribution? What do these ideas inspire in others? Your mare practical thinkers will be helpful here in connecting the dots.

It will take some time to re-train your thinking to be open to free-flow, free-style problem solving (usually we have and end goal in mind, but with this style we don't). Give it time. Next thing you know, you'll have ideas flowing all over the place.

groupthink question for you

2009-11-18T08:41:00.002-05:00

are you stuck in "groupthink?"

2009-11-17T10:20:00.003-05:00

Irving Janis said, "Groups can bring out the worst as well as the best in human decision making." Think about the groups to which you belong. Do you feel each group ensures that each idea is given equal time, that all alternatives are explored, and that there is not a popular or unpopular side of thought to fall on? Here are 3 easy steps to check the level of groupthink in your groups.

1. invulnerability
Members are so secure that their ideas are correct that there is complete dismissal of contrasting ideas. A lesser degree of this self-righteousness might be a general sense of smugness by group members. Rationalizations are offered to explain away any opposing arguments.

2. We vs. They
Pressure to conform. Those who don't conform are misguided (or worse, considered dumb). If you are a member of the group, agreement with decisions is expected. Those in the know wouldn't question the group's accepted thoughts.

3. self-censorship
You have an idea but don't share it with the group for fear you will not be in alignment with the group's ideals. Rather than explore your views you remain silent. Silent members are assumed to be in agreement with what has been said.