Ashyknees' Time Killer

The Last of the Extroverts

2012-04-22T10:47:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to believe that I'm among the last of extroverts. I am the among the last to groove to the funk of live conversation. There is no real shame in drawing energy from my connection with others, but I sometimes I wish I was more like the introverts. They appear self-sufficient. They seem to be better at the kinds of things that matter in contemporary society. Some of them have shaped that very society to the point where we are all introverts now, even as we socialize. We can control our communications with others better than ever before. One down side is that we control things to such a degree that we become uncanny creatures in an uncanny valley of clever quips, snapshots and menu items.

This style of extroversion doesn't suit me. I don't know if it suits my introverted friends, either.

Honestly, I often take communications through social networks because it's all that I can get. If I'm texting with someone who lives in the the same city as me, I wonder why the hell can't we just get together for a beverage? I'd prefer to share the same space with others, but I don't know if my friends feel the same way. I wonder if they are happier in the contemporary world of texting and posting that frees them from the potential awkwardness and chaos of interacting in person.

Getting together has become way too much of a big deal. Meeting with someone in the same space presents many problems besides logistics. Even in a phone call, there's always a chance for misunderstanding and hurt feelings. For instance, there will come a time when one person will want to go, even though the other person would like to remain. And although this is awkward, it doesn't negate the value of getting together in the first place.

I must admit that I can't think of a time that I've felt lonelier than I do now. I once thought I understood the difference between loneliness and solitude, but that line is blurry today.

Confessions of a Flake

2012-03-16T10:16:00.002-04:00

The conversion narrative has come up again at work, inspiring yet another project idea. I will write something called Confessions of a Flake.

Today, I was outflaked ten-fold by someone very successful in his/her field. This stirred a mix of admiration and confusion. So many questions. Can I still be a flake and succeed? Why does this person get to be a flake when I don't? How can I make flakiness work for me?

I don't really want to be a flake, but if it is my nature, there's no point in fighting it.

Shame is Useless

2012-01-28T11:46:00.002-05:00

When I think about how far I must go to be the kind of person I want to be, my mind floods with shame and regret--feelings that paralyze me. Shame is useless. Shame has yet to cure me of my bad habits, so why does it persist? At times like this, it's better to focus on the changes that I've made. It's better to set aside shame and fears of judgement and focus on what I can do.

What are my true standards? What are my true values? I think it's better to live within my means than worry about how a woman my age should live according to someone else's standards.

Happy Unbirthday to Me

2012-01-08T08:50:00.002-05:00

Because of my birthday issues and my dream of maintaining some shred of privacy, I do not post my birthday on the facebook (Yeah, they still have the information. Whatever.). In the past, this never stopped friends from saying happy birthday to me on my facebook wall. But this year, no one said anything. I avoided the awkward feelings that this kind of well-wishing can stir in me. The downside is that only a couple of people wished me a happy birthday.

I've been around the block a few times, so I don't expect to get the keys to the city or something just because I managed to survive another year. Still, even though I don't need a pony ride or even a cake, I kind of miss the birthday celebrations of the past. It's nice when someone throws a party in your honor. I may like privacy, but I'm not shy. These things are not mutually exclusive.

The good news is that some very dear friends did acknowledge my birthday with gifts and greetings this year. Even my sibling managed to send me a text. My parents, on the other hand, seemed almost indifferent. It was a bit odd. It was a bit troubling.

As we get older, we don't necessarily want to throw away all of the childhood things, just the childish things. Birthday celebrations are still fun. We can have cake whenever we like, so long as we can afford it, but it tastes a little sweeter with a candle stuck in it. It's a little more luscious when someone else prepares it for you to mark your continuing existence.

A few years ago, I threw a birthday party for myself. I'm glad I did. I may do it again someday. But my ideal is still to have someone else do it for me, or at least make the offer.

Improvement Shown

2011-12-28T11:06:00.001-05:00

Christmas 2011 was the best one I've had in years. No drama! Perhaps things are looking up.

Half Assed Holiday

2011-12-21T19:14:00.004-05:00

The 2011 winter holiday season has been the most half-assed of my life. Not since I painted a rock in day care and presented it as a gift to my parents have I put in so little effort.

I didn't knit anything for anyone in the family and I don't plan to.

This evening, I thought, what the heck? I'll make some Christmas cookies. I forgot to put peppermint in the peppermint meringues. My stash of brown sugar was a rock hard mass, so a quick batch of oatmeal cookies was out of the question.

If a Grinch showed up at my place, he'd have nothing to steal and nothing to return on Christmas morning.

Oh well. So what? At least this won't happen to me:

Weirder and Weirder

2011-11-27T21:45:00.000-05:00

I think I'm just getting weirder as time goes on.

Pre-Holiday Season Hairball

2011-10-28T16:14:00.004-04:00

Now I will disgorge my pre-holiday season woes in front of all five of my readers.

If only I could erase certain values from my mind, I could relax and let the fall and winter holidays come and go, participating in them as I saw fit without stress. These beliefs are the source of many problems. Here are some of my troubling beliefs:

Wouldn't it be great to bring a smile to a child's face on Halloween?
There's nothing like seeing kids having fun on a holiday.
I should be with loved ones on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I want to be with people who actually want to be with me, not people who grudgingly invited me to their homes out of pity. Therefore, I will not fish around for holiday invitations.
Giving thoughtful gifts and sharing with loved ones is one of life's great pleasures.
I love when people say, "Thank you."
I do not like the looks I get from acquaintances and co-workers when I respond to their chit-chatty questions about my holiday plans.

Yes, the answer is to ignore or explode these dysfunctional beliefs and replace them with new, healthy beliefs such as these:

Children carry diseases and are best avoided at all costs.
All holidays are just commercial hype.
Why the hell are my co-workers bothering me with their shallow small talk? As if they really care about me. It's nobody's business what I'm doing for the stupid holidays.
If I have to wheedle my way into a party just to conform to the holiday bullshit, so be it. I hope there's lots of booze.
You're born alone and you die alone. Why should what happens in between be any different?

What Kind of Meat Am I?

2011-10-12T19:03:00.001-04:00

I was just thinking that if someone wanted to cook me up and eat me, I'd be pretty meaty and flavorful, but kind of tough.

I Love Bitty Wear

2011-08-01T20:59:00.002-04:00

One of the best things about being over 40 is that I no longer have any reason to shop in silly stores such as Urban Outfitters. I gave up on that store long ago. I don't waste time with ill-fitting, poorly made tissue paper garments and barely trained, pretentious and/or clueless clerks and customer service reps. Now, I shop at places like Lands' End online and Talbots. Yes, Talbots--a store my mom used to drag me in to. Once I thought these stores were elastic waisted pastel hells. Now they seem like havens of reason.

Square Cut or Pear Shaped
Bitty wear designers understand that trends come and go, but women's shapes stay the same. Until I start to shrivel, I will always have broad shoulders, wide hips, long legs, and a big butt. And Lands End will always sell knee-length A-line skirts even if pencil skirts are all the rage. Bless them. I love to wear pencil skirts as long has they have vents. I do need to walk after all.

"I call them flavors."
When you're older, you don't need to dress in all black in order to be taken seriously. That's what the circles under your eyes are for. Time to liven up with some Talbots flavor. Bring on the chartreuse, geranium, and an orange popcicle pantsuit. Does this all seem to suburban and WASPy? It turns out the bright golf club colors look great on darker skin. How ironic.

Dresses with Pockets!
Bitty wear dresses often come with pockets, because women need to carry their own shit. When I was eighteen, I needed to carry my own shit, but too few skirts and dresses had real pockets. Old bitties don't stand for that nonsense any more. We demand pockets, and we get them.

Dresses with Sleeves!
For some reason, the fashion industry gave up on putting sleeves on dresses a few years ago. I'm sure the Obamas will be blamed, but I think it's a plot to sell more sweaters. Even if you have awesome arms and you want everyone to see you flex, winter will come, and then you will be cold and sad. Bitty Wear accepts this fact. It also understands that we all don't have awesome arms and armpits. Talbots even has a line of dresses in which the plus sizes have different sleeve lengths. The regular dresses have cap sleeves and the womens' have short sleeves. Hello, that just makes sense.

A New Breed of Stink

2011-06-29T22:51:00.002-04:00

I need a stronger deodorant. Perhaps my stink germs have evolved to withstand my current brand of deodorant, Mitchum. I might need to switch things up.

A few thoughts on in vitro leather

2011-06-22T00:52:00.003-04:00

I think more work should be put into making in vitro leather. No artificial textile or fabric compares to leather, but making it from real animal skins presents a lot of problems like costly livestock and cruel, wasteful harvests.

In vitro leather production seems to offer more benefits of in vitro flesh development with fewer hassles. In vitro leather would be relatively thin, so maybe you don't have to worry so much about creating a large in vitro vascular system to feed your in vitro skin cells as they grow. Flavor is not an issue. In vitro leather cells could be engineered to accommodate safer tanning procedures, maybe.

Maybe plants could grow leather. The plant could feed the fake skin until it's thick enough tp harvest.

I'm surprised that more research isn't happening now. Maybe it's just being done in secret to protect patented stuff.

Good Weather

2011-06-02T19:21:00.001-04:00

It's nice out. And that's very good.

That's Why the Lady is a Grump

2011-05-21T23:25:00.001-04:00

I'm too old to be friends with people I don't like.

Happy Freaking Birthday

2011-05-16T19:39:00.002-04:00

One of the most irritating things about Facebook is the birthday announcements. I've never been at ease with birthday greetings. I am horrible at remembering my loved ones' birthdays, and hopeless at remembering those of acquaintances. I get stressed out over how to sign a birthday card for a co-worker. I prefer to just sign my name and be done with it. But, no! If other people have written something clever before the card comes to me, then I can't. If I just sign my name, I'll look like some kind of robot. I'll look like I don't care about the person at all. In some cases, that's the truth, but not always.

It was better when I had plausible excuses for not saying, "Happy Birthday!" or sending a card. I could say, "Oh, you didn't tell me." or "Sorry, I forgot. I am terrible with birthdays." Now I know everyone's birthday and I have to go through the stress for everyone I bothered to "friend."

Now you may ask, how hard is it to type "Happy Birthday!" on someone's Facebook wall? Not very. But there's something disingenuous about it that makes me hesitate. Not only do I go through all the considerations connected with the collegial birthday card. I also start to question my relationship with the person. I start to wonder if the person really wants another birthday alert from yet another acquaintance. I wonder if my greeting is actually a pain in the ass instead of a kind act.

I chose not to make my birthday known on facebook. I feel like I'm doing people a favor. If they don't know when my birthday is, then they don't have to say anything about it. They are relieved of all birthday wish duties.

Cubicle Blues

2011-04-05T14:33:00.002-04:00

Why does it seem as if my abilities don't matter?All that matters are my mistakes. I know this isn't true in the grand scheme of things, but it feels true now here at work.

I wonder if I'll ever have a job that I really feel good at. I know I have abilities, but I can't see how I can make a living at any of them.

Photo Housekeeping

2011-03-26T10:42:00.002-04:00

One of the many overwhelming things about housekeeping is that I'm never sure when it is done. The truth is that it is never done. Knowing this, I feel hopeless and find it very difficult to even begin.

I've tried a couple of tricks to help me create a definite beginning and ending to chores. For instance, I will set a timer for 20 minutes and decide that I will clean for at least 20 minutes. This convinces the hopeless gremlins in my brain to shut up, because I can say, "See, this will be over in 20 minutes. This is not the myth of Sisyphus." Once the gremlins have been appeased, I can usually clean for more than 20 minutes.

Today I discovered a new trick. I took a photograph of my disaster zone kitchen. This allowed me to truly see what I'm dealing with. Since I'm accustomed to messy surroundings, sometimes I can't really perceive how bad they are. "Oh, it's just a mess. I don't even want to think about it." Then, when I do allow myself to see the mess, it's like a kick in the head. I say to myself, "How can you live like this? You are a grown woman. This is disgusting! How can you improve your life if you can't even keep your house in order?" Rather than face those ugly thoughts, I will avoid dealing with housework until it reaches a critical mass.

Photography gives me the objective distance I need to overcome all the emotional stuff that hampers my efforts. Better yet, it gives me an inspiring reference point. When I start to feel run down from the tediousness of cleaning, I can look at the photograph and see that I'm really not done, or see that I've made a lot of progress.

Hopefully, I will be able to take a picture of my rooms when they are clean (I'm not sure how to know when my rooms are really clean). Then I will have another useful reference.

Ugly Snapshots

2011-03-07T16:49:00.003-05:00

If you just read my last two blog entries, maybe you'd think my life sucks, and you'd be right. But you would also be wrong. It's true that I do many pleasurable things and have all kinds of deep, beautiful thoughts. But I write about that stuff elsewhere.

Right now, I feel very shitty. And I want to tell someone about it.

My job continues to be some kind of soft hell. I feel absolutely no motivation to do any of my work. None, except some faint mist rising from my distant dissolving work ethic and a vague fear of termination.

I will, out of consideration for my department colleagues, do stuff. Eventually. Perhaps soon. But that is the only good reason I can think of to do my work.

Here's the thing. I like praise. Yes. I'm one of those. And my boss rarely praises me. Nor does she scold me. Other people in other departments have given me more direct positive feedback than my boss has.

I think I'm beginning to understand what's driving things. The people who complain the most are the most powerful in this organization. This is quite stupid. One of these people dislikes me. The other pays very little attention to me. The people who complain the least are the ones who give me compliments, but these people don't seem to have as much power because no one is afraid of them. Another weird thing is that none of these people are in my department.

Weird shit is happening. The soft hell is getting prickly.

Robbing Peter to Pay Peter

2011-02-07T13:49:00.002-05:00

My finances are really out of whack. I'm doing all kinds of weird transfers just to stabilize things.

Sometimes I get a bit too ambitious with the debt reduction and wind up cutting things too close to the bone. I will set a more realistic pace for myself going forward.

And as usual I must pay more attention.

My Cubicle is On Fire

2011-02-04T12:02:00.003-05:00

My apathy for my job seems to be at its peak--if apathy can have a peak. I don't hate this place enough for me to run away. I don't like it enough to care about my work. I just do the minimum requirements.

Maybe if I imagine that my cubicle is on fire, that would motivate me to find a better position.

Need to Thaw Out

2011-01-31T11:23:00.002-05:00

I feel like I'm in a post holiday torpor. It seems like everything is kind of frozen in my life now. I want to find ways to break through, make improvements, and create and discover new opportunities.

Meditation seems promising. There are other things I can follow up on.

Stiffling the Knee-Jerk

2010-12-14T14:31:00.002-05:00

My job required me to contact a bunch of libertarians and just looking at their publications pissed me off. Still, I did my duty with no snark.

Even though I agree with libertarians (real libertarians) and anarchists on some things, they do piss me off more than conservatives and people to the left of me. I think it's the veneer of reason over a sort of denial of reality that bothers me so much.

Really, I would like to be more comfortable dealing with people who don't share my political philosophies. I try. Sometimes I succeed. For example, I recently watched a half hour tv interview of Condoleeza Rice and she didn't piss me off once.

By the way, anyone who says university presses only publish left wing stuff can suck it. This place publishes authors with a wide range of viewpoints, even though well-funded conservative and libertarian think tanks already make sure their arguments get their time in the sun.

No, we did not publish a book by a holocaust denier, because that would be stupid.

I Can't Use It

2010-12-12T18:22:00.002-05:00

Some child-free people say they don't understand how any adult can enjoy the company of small children. They roll their eyes when anyone tells cute kid stories, but frequently, these same people constantly post photos of their cats and dogs and go on and on about the way Fluffy plays with a wad of paper or likes to jump on their lap.

I like animals. I would get a dog if I had enough space and time to care for it properly. But I could never muster up the level of enthusiasm for pets, especially cats, that many of my friends express.

Gone Fishin'?

2010-12-10T23:47:00.002-05:00

This week I received two email alerts from Plenty of Fish. Some pseudonyms want to meet me, but I don't care enough to bother to find out who they are.

I Think It's Working

2010-12-10T22:19:00.002-05:00

On the vanity front, I think the drug store brand retinol cream is working. I believe the skin on my face looks slightly better. Better than what? Better than I remember it looking.

That's the problem in evaluating these beauty products. I tried to take a "before" photo of my face the day I started using this stuff, but I didn't feel like taking the time to set up my camera to do it properly, so eager was I to smear this famous goop on my face.

My main goal is not wrinkle reduction. Even since puberty, my pores have been enlarged, clogged, or volcanic. And while I doubt this retinol stuff will give me the pores of an immaculately conceived toddler, I do hope it will reduce my pores significantly.

After about 5 nights of applying the cream, I haven't noticed any pore shrinkage, but my skin looks brighter.