Ask-A-Slacker

I've returned.

noreply@blogger.com (Slacker) — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 08:06:00 +0000

So after a 2-3 month hiatus I have returned to the site that started it all. I'd like to thank some of you for returning to the site despite me being a complete ass and leaving you high and dry. What do you expect from a slacker, that's what I do best? Hopefully some of you will read this on your feeds and stop in and say something.
I have a question for some of you though; Would you like me to keep posting these kinds of topics every time (which will probably make it pretty rarely) or would you rather me post whatever I feel like. I know this is my blog and all, but I don't want to alienate some of the visitors that have stuck through all of this.
I have also taken down all the stupid advertisements. I'm sorry that I put those up in the first place, you won't see those type of links anymore.
We'll it's good to be back.
I'll post some more in the coming days, you can either comment of post in the tagboard as usual. I may get some extra writers on here as well to keep this place more active, so if any of you are interested use the same method as mentioned earlier and just comment on here. I'm off for the night, take care.

Slacker.

Benefits of the slacker lifestyle.

noreply@blogger.com (Slacker) — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 04:14:00 +0000

The Woman asks:

Does the slacker life have any real advantages over the more motivated lifestyles?

The slacker lifestyle can be very lucrative and rewarding. When I wake up in the afternoon do you know what I do? Look at myself in the mirror. Why? Not because I’m narcissistic I can assure you. It’s because it’s good to be me. So good in fact that I can only admire my figure and the look of confidence ever present on my face along with the way I get a chubby in the loins.
Everyday when you wake up in the morning, throw on your stuffy business suit, make yourself presentable and grab a coffee to go, how do you feel? Let me guess; like shit. Why? It's because you don’t have time to appreciate yourself. You probably feel like you are taken for granted and you are probably correct in this assumption.
Being a slacker can be very rewarding. If I’m hungry I can walk to the fridge and grab a hot pocket, if I’m tired I go back to sleep, I never have any appointments, I don’t have to be a suck up or a kiss-ass. How does it feel to be motivated? Do you feel good getting up at the crack of dawn to work a 8-12 hour shift at a place you dislike?
The only downside to being a slacker is that I have to wait for holidays to collect on gifts to have any extra cash in my pocket. I spend very little, so $100 can last me a longer amount of time than you would expect. I feel that’s an acceptable trade for peace of mind and freedom to do whatever pleases me whenever I want.

My favorite movie and why?

noreply@blogger.com (Slacker) — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 05:20:00 +0000

The Man asked:

What is your favorite movie and why?

This is largely an opinion based question. If I was to base my answer on the general population I would choose The Godfather. Personally, I thought the movie was sub-par. The way I see it 80% of the world’s population are sheep’s. It’s why someone like Paris Hilton can get away with some of the ridiculous shit that she does. That and for some reason people think she is attractive; to me she looks like a rat with her pointy nose and beady eyes. This is how when a famous rapper is on cribs showing off some part of his room and he points to his large poster of Scarface or The Godfather and says that it’s his favorite movie so many fan-boy sheep decide that it too is their favorite movie. I’m guessing that some of those people have never even watched either of those movies.

If I want to hold the slacker ideal in mind I would probably choose a movie like Mallrats or anything else by Kevin Smith. He has a knack for writing characters that have their faults but are still loveable and humorous. While I love these types of movies, I can’t say in good conscious that they are my favorite. If I had to choose one film, I guess it would be Pulp Fiction. I’m a large fan of Quentin Tarantino’s work and the characters in it are completely original from any other film out there. It’s seems like one of those films that is under appreciated even though it has a lot of fans. I especially like the casting for the film; Samuel L. Jackson, John Travolta, Bruce Willis, and Uma Thurman just to name a few. Really just an all-star cast, and a very solid and at times hilarious film.

I would love to hear what some of your favorite movies are and also an opinion about my choice I suppose. Feel free to use either the comments or the tagboard.

Music you should probably quit life for...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 22:51:00 +0000

Well here's my somewhat lengthy list of bands and artists I think are worth wasting your life listening to.

Jenkem: Don't say I didn't warn you.

noreply@blogger.com (Slacker) — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 15:04:00 +0000

I've decided to take a small break today from the questions, but in the mean time I figured I would share with you something that you've probably not seen before. Let me warn you, it's disturbing and not recommended for anyone with an uneasy stomach.

I present to you Jenkem:

Click the image for the full view.

What are your initial feelings toward this?

Also, I've invited one of my friends to start posting on here. This should benefit the site as well as you readers with more content. Woofatsally should be posting here later today.

Temporary downtime

noreply@blogger.com (Slacker) — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 11:54:00 +0000

Hey sorry if anyone tried to visit the site and was unable to access it. I transfered the blog to a different account so that the new layout would work properly, unfortunately I lost all the comments that you have all given me. Either way, I removed any of the unnecessary posts and now I am going to tweak with the layout a bit more. Expect a new article to be up later today when I get a chance to put some finishing touches on it, and thanks to everyone who has been supportive whether it be through questions, comments or even just visiting. I promise that things will get better with time as I get accustomed to everything and stop making mistakes.

Are there girls on the internet?

noreply@blogger.com (Slacker) — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 11:50:00 +0000

Gremlin asked: Are there girls on the internet?

Girls on the internet are a very popular topic, with many guys feeling strongly towards there being none and if there are they are most certainly ugly. This couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, the way I see it, every single person on the internet other than me is in fact a Victoria’s Secret supermodel with plans to seduce me. The way I see it, you asking me this question is a means for you to see if I have figured out your clever ploy.

In the beginning I believed the facade that you had all set up; that I wasn't the only male on the intranets. It was clever the way that all of you set up forums on sports, discussions about video games, action movie descriptions and others on all sorts of “manly” topics.

All along it was actually millions of highly attractive, incredibly classy, and I can only hope horny women actively participating in the slow seduction of myself. Bravo ladies, I commend you for your attempts. I understand that you have all grown quite fond of me through years of active pursuit of luring me into your homes with promises of beer, and free pay-per-view, but I can’t pick just one of you.

That’s why I have decided to host a large royal rumble type event. Every girl will be given booty shorts and white t-shirts. No bras allowed. Inside the enormous kiddy pool will be a mixture or KY Jelly and Jell-O. Kissing, hugging, groping, scissoring and other signs of affection are allowed, and you will also be allowed to “gang up” on each other. The last one standing will have the honor of being my fuck buddy/house cleaner. These are the rules, and you must all participate.

If you have a question please use the tagboard or contact me through my email. Thanks.

Add to your feed:

Do you get offended by other slackers?

noreply@blogger.com (Slacker) — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 11:48:00 +0000

PetRiLJoe asked me: Do you get offended by other slackers?

It really just depends. Most slackers don’t bother me; in fact we usually become friends because we share a lot of things in common. We all seem to enjoy sleeping, video games, food, and other necessities. We usually have the same taste in movies and other media too, so I usually enjoy my time with other slackers.

On the other hand, occasionally you will come in contact with a slacker that is particularly disgusting slacker. They lack ANY hygiene, tend to be a “one-upper” where they manage to top any story that you have with something more impressive, and tend to be annoying douches. When I come in contact with a person like that, I’ll try to separate myself from them as much as possible or simply embarrass them so that they avoid me. I mentioned one-upping earlier, and I would like to elaborate on that. I might say something like “I beat Guitar Hero 3 in two days”, and they would respond with “I beat Guitar Hero 3 in 12 hours”. Something like that would seem fishy, but you honestly couldn’t say that they are a liar. When someone makes a habit of doing this they are a one-upper and the only recourse that you can take is to lure them into one-upping something that should never be one-upped.

“I did a line of coke off a male prostitutes erect dick”, everyone starts to laugh and you become the center of attention. Most people will catch that you are joking, but the one-upper lacks common sense and social skills.

“Well one time I did ten lines of coke off a male prostitute’s dick and then we had sweaty unprotected sex while using the Lords name in vain.”

Now your job is complete. You allow everyone to mock the one-upping slacker, and maybe you jump in with a catchy nickname that will haunt them for the rest of their lives. “Hey, Holy Cokewhore!”

As always, if you could add comments or ask some questions so that I can continue this it would be appreciated. Also I feel the need to note the tagboard to the right. You can ask questions there too. Oh and I set up 1 block of advertisements on the site so if you could please click on them it would be amazing.

Add to your feed:

Why can't I get laid?

noreply@blogger.com (Slacker) — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 11:46:00 +0000

Thanks for the question Geekman! I'll try my best to help you out with your problem.
There are three main categories that break down the possibilities of you getting some much needed booty.

The first is what I'm titling Her initiating. This is when you have very little to nothing to do with her wanting to sleep with you. For this to happen I suggest frequenting the bar scene, lowering your standards and drinking heavily. It's encouraged that you bring a large ammount of cash with you for getting them drunk. Also seek out the unsightly women such as the obvious sluts, along with the obese women who is a "friend" to some of the more attractive females. Both will be particuallarly eager to have sex with you to fill the void in their souls that their abusive or unloving fathers left. Take advantage of these opportunites.

The second option is titled You initiating. For this you need to do several things. Start dressing sharper, clean yourself thoroughly, put on some cologne, make yourself appealing to the opposite sex. Do not under any circumstances mention that you are familiar with UNIX, Linux, or any other coding. Don't mention any comics. Don't mention video games. LET HER DO THE TALKING. Nod your head, agree with her and keep asking questions. If all of these things come together in that rare gleaming moment and you get her back to your place (which I will hope you have cleaned) you need to set the mood with some music. Here are some suggestions: D'Angelo the king of neo-soul music. If you can't get some to this music something is seriously wrong. If you prefer to go the mixtape route I give you the TheMixCD.

1. Biggie - "One More Chance Remix"
2. Mos Def - "Ms. Fat Booty"
3. Musiq - "Just Friends (Sunny)"
4. Raphael Saadiq feat. D'Angelo - "Be Here"
5. Common - "The Light"
6. Lauryn Hill - "Ex-Factor"
7. Rahzel feat. Black Thought - "Suga Sista"
8. De La Soul - "Special"
9. Slum Village - "Tainted"
10. Latryx - "Lady Don't Tek No"

You should be getting busy by track 6, the remaining songs are for some non-distracting and non-threatening background music with beats you can move to. Put in some non-descript and non-mood shattering music in the changer for after TheMixCD to avoid any sudden silence, such as some Dave Matthews. If you can't make it work to this I suggest priesthood because celibacy is going to be much less disheartening for you as you go through life, or you can go to the next section because I have nothing for you.

The last choice for you is if neither of the above options have worked for you. With a name like Geekman I'll assume this is needed, but I don't condone it. You initiating through her unconsciousness. Inside this category there are three choices.

1. For this option you will need a large and heavy object. You may need a friend to assist you in carrying the object if your muscles have atrophied too much from all those nights you've spent at your computer, but I'm going to assume that you've kept at least your right arm in shape from "excercise". Come up behind your potential hookup and bop her upside the head with said object. You need to have patience with this option as it's very obvious to anyone around you when you smash someone with a frying pan or a large tree trunk. I recommend that you invite that girl that you have no chance with to help you with something she has interest in, maybe suggest that she help you redecorate your living room. Point to your window and ask a question like "what type of drapes would help accentuate the rest of the room"? When she turns to look do what must be done.

2 and 3. These last two options are drugs and I can't recommend trying them, but if you are an absolutely hideous beast I guess these are your only chances. Date rape drugs refer to any drug that can be used to assist in the commission of a sexual assault (date rape). These drugs commonly have sedative, hypnotic, dissociative, and/or amnesiac affects, and, when used to facilitate rape, are often added to a food or drink without the victim's knowledge. Most date rape drugs are illegal drugs. I'm not going to go into any of the choices, but if you choose this the only one I can suggest is what is typically referred to as the Spanish fly. I only suggest it because of the Beastie Boys reference and the fact that I find it amusing. Spanish fly has a long history of use such as in the 1670s, Spanish fly was mixed with dried moles and bat's blood for a love charm made by the black magician La Voisin. It was slipped into the food of Louis XIV to secure the king's lust for Madame de Montespan. In the 18th century Marquis de Sade is claimed to have given aniseed-flavored pastilles that were laced with Spanish fly to prostitutes at an orgy in 1772. To say it's a powerful aphrodisiac would be an understatement.

Hopefully one of those options will be successful for you Geekman. Thanks again for the question.