Ask Dr. Arlene

Featured on Match.com "5 Times You Shouldn't Text Him"

2009-05-04T20:28:00.003-04:00

Dr. Arlene G. Krieger is featured in the "Dating and Advice" section on your Home Page of Match.com !

Read about "5 Times You Shouldn't Text Him" in this article reprinted from Cosmopolitan Magazine.

http://www.match.com/matchus/cp.aspx?cpp=/en-us/partner/hearst/article.html&articleid=10480

The loss of an angel

2009-04-04T18:00:00.002-04:00

askdrarlene.com
www.bocatherapy.com

Today I learned that a friend that I knew through business had committed suicide this past week. All who worked with her said the same thing, she always had a smile on her face and was one of the sweetest people that they knew. Unfortunately she wore the mask well and turned to none of her closest friends for help.

During the past few weeks I've been writing about the economical downturn and the effects on if not all, certainly on most of us. I am shaken to the core to have learned of this young woman's death. She was only in her early 30's and had the soul of an angel. So much life and so much to offer the world, lost in the flash of a moment.

I urge all of my readers to take the time to truly listen to their friends, loved ones, co-workers during these stressful times. It is so important to have another person to talk with, vent your frustrations and gain some clarity on the events and stressors in your life.

Please, take the time to love yourself and your neighbor. Reach out to your friends, your church or synagogue or your local mental health options if you feel that you are in need of comfort or advice.

In loving memory of Katia...you will be greatly missed by all of us.

In love and light,
Dr. Arlene G. Krieger

Sacrifice Your Mental Health in This Economy? Never!

2009-03-27T08:32:00.002-04:00

We are currently in the middle of an economically and mentally stressful era. Never before have people from our generation had to deal with this type of fiscal, professional and personal pressure.

Stress on your personal and professonal life may be impacting both your mental and physical well-being. Many people are finding it necessary to turn to a mental health professional because of these factors.

It would be great to find the help you need to normalize many of the issues you are going through right now. If only it were that easy. For many therapy is too costly. Now there is a new type of therapy service available here in Boca Raton , Florida and across the country.

This innovative and timely Individual and Couples counseling service is affordable and available on the same day that you need to speak to someone. The price is affordable, $59.99 for a 45 minute session with a licensed and trained mental health professional!

Please visit their new site and offices @ www.SameDayTherapy.com or call 561-361-7414 to make an appointment now! Telephone Therapy is also available~

Whoever you are, whatever your age, whatever the situation or problem which you are facing; whether you are stressed, worried, depressed, confused feeling bad about yourself, wanting to make some changes in your life or coping with unwanted change or crisis, it can help to talk things over, in confidence, with an understanding outsider, a trained and professional expert that can help you find the peace of mind that you are looking for.

Please check out this new site, therapy can be greatly beneficial in helping to manage stress and refocus on being a productive member of society and your life!

What others are saying:

They are both innovative and brilliant in offering affordable same day therapy! - Dr. Jay Kaplan-Miami, Fl.

This really helped to save our marriage, I needed someone to talk to that afternoon, the office staff was so nice and fit me in that same afternoon.
Nancy Desoto - Delray Beach

Finally, a way to get some really good professional help without going broke! - Johnny Toon, Boston,MA
Call www.SameDayTherapy.com now, We Can Help!

or email us at: Samedaytherapy@gmail.com

Our Marriages Today: Are They In Trouble?

2009-03-05T11:41:00.001-05:00

New Post coming this Friday!

Quote of the Day

2009-02-28T19:13:00.001-05:00

Daily Blog Posts

2009-02-26T08:54:00.004-05:00

Hello Readers,

Wow, February has gone by in a blink! Does it seem that way for many of you? Many of my recent blogs ( which can be found on my newly revised website, http://www.bocatherapy.com/ either under the Euphorium Q&A or the traditional format of AskdrArlene Blog link) have addressed the current state of our country and the pressures of stress on our relationships and sex lives.

My office manager called me this morning to tell me that she heard a local radio station down in Miami, I believe it was Power 96 FM, discussing many of the issues I've been addressing on my site. I believe they were taking phone calls from listeners about how the stress is affecting their sex lives! It is wonderful that the media is acknowledging these issues. However it is important to be pro-active vs. simply stirring in the muck and mire of a self-pity party. To do so is like going round and round on a hamster wheel without any change in site. The real issue here is "WHAT THE HECK CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT TO FEEL BETTER NOW???!!

If you are alive and breathing it is a given that you are already dealing with many of the issues life has to offer us on a daily basis. Adding on the additional stressors of financial woes, depression, loss of job, loss of income, anger, anxiety and ZAP! you can find yourself over the top ...you're in a slump or place of anxiety that you can't seem to escape from!

Yes, of course its true that stress and financial issues are going to affect us in so many ways, ie. our physical health, mental health, and of course our sex lives! During this next month you can follow my "Sexual Health Group" blogs on "SURVIVING STRESS" , also more help and links
@http://twitter.com/AskDrArlene.

Check out Twitter.com by the way. It is a world of information, something like Facebook but with more quality control of you and what you've got to say!

More tomorrow from 'The Sexual Health Group' @ http://www.bocatherapy.com/

Blessings...Dr. Arlene

Askdrarleneorganics@ Zazzle.com

2009-02-19T23:58:00.003-05:00

See Dr. Arlene's Organics @ http://www.zazzle.com/askdrarleneorganics
100% Cotton Organic T shirts for men and women
100 Words for Lovers & Tease T's

Spice It Up!

2009-02-19T23:08:00.001-05:00

Is your relationship growing stale? Dr. Arlene G. Krieger, a board-certified clinical sexologist and licensed marriage counselor in Boca Raton, may have the answer. Krieger, recognized by the Miami-Dade County Office of the Mayor as a “Woman of Distinction,” offers the following sex-pert advice.

Be spontaneous
“The element of surprise really can make the ride worthwhile,” Krieger says. “Doing something unexpected invites romance and desire. It also lets your partner know that you ‘get’ them.”

Be yourself
Opening up can be the most romantic thing about an intimate evening, especially if it’s the man who is opening up. Showing emotion, something most men try to avoid, is really sexy to a woman. “Expressing your level of care is very authentic and romantic.”

Be playful
Interpreted literally or not, playfulness is a turn on for both sexes. A person who isn’t uptight about having fun often is viewed as sexy. Change routines in all aspects of your life, not just in the bedroom, to generate freshness in the relationship.

Be considerate
Make time for your partner, whether it’s having a conversation or having a picnic in the backyard. The gift of time doesn’t cost anything—and it can be the best present of all.
Be romantic

“Couples must realize that romance is an absolute,” Krieger says. “You have to re-create the relationship on a daily basis. Yes, it’s work. But so is getting dressed in the morning and making breakfast.”

Excerpt from February issue of "boca magazine"

Visit Ask Dr. Arlene's updated website @ http://www.bocatherapy.com/

2009-02-18T19:43:00.002-05:00

http://www.bocatherapy.com/

The Euphorium Q&A

Everything you ever wanted to know about sex but didn't ask. Here's your chance to ask a professional!

Valentines Day: He Loves Me He Loves Me Not?

Posted by: Dr. Arlene Krieger in palm beach, no sex-drive, marriage counseling, marriage and family therapy, low libido, psychologist, psychology, licensed marriage and family therapist, holidays, Dr. Arlene Krieger, Delray beach, Deerfield beach, charity, boca raton sex therapy, boca raton sex therapist, Boca Raton, board certified clinical sexologist, American Academy of Clinical Sexologists

It’s that time of year again when all is ok with the world and we are all in love! Valentines Day is coming!!!! All of our romantic dreams will come true! Our lovers will understand us, hear our deepest thoughts, validate our existence in this crazy world and love us deeply until the end of eternity. Arrrgghhhhh!

REALITY CHECK: Our nation is in crisis, yet we are trying to make sense of it all. Lovers and couples have much more on their plates than simply attending to daily issues of their marriages, partnerships and relationships. Marriages and relationships are in trouble more than ever now. Fear of losing everything we’ve ever worked for, insecurity of not being able to provide for your family, and the resulting behaviors of arguing non-stop are all taking their toll on relationships~ Homes, jobs and even our relationships are at stake in this economy.

These economic issues are spilling over onto our dinner tables, and seeping into our bedrooms. These changes in the world are affecting our personal lives more than we realize. It is impossible to live in this world without confronting stressors in our daily lives. However, everyone has a breaking point, a place somewhere on the continuum of life where ‘overload’ occurs and you “just can’t take it anymore.” This is the statement heard most often in my therapy office the past few months.

We are satiated, overwhelmed by financial issues, arguments over paying the bills, the pulling apart and separation of the “coupledom” of the relationship. Where is the romantic partnership that we thought we had? What happened to that man/woman that we fell in love with so long ago? Doesn’t he/she love me anymore? Am I still attractive to my partner, don’t they desire me anymore? “We’ve been together for 5….10……20….years and the spark is just not there any longer” these are the greatest concerns of men and women in relationship today.

This month I am featured in the cover story of Boca Magazine’s February 2009 issue- “15 Ways To Say I Love You.” I speak of ways to “Spice It Up” in relationship. Most importantly is the fact that “couples must realize that romance is an absolute. You have to re-create the relationship on a daily basis. Yes, it’s work. But so is getting dressed in the morning and making breakfast.” Relationship is work. It requires no less than the effort one puts into their job, their hobbies, themselves.

To love another requires committment to recognizing their uniqueness. Love is not about creating a clone of yourself and expecting your partner to be exactly like you. Lastly, love is not simply a feeling. Not the lust you first felt in the first few weeks of dating. Rather, LOVE is a decision, an action in understanding and caring for your partners, emotions , likes and dislikes and most importantly your partners needs….”see me…feel me….touch me”…….HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These animals show us that love, friendship and tolerance are the corner stones for any relationship. Lets be friends and get a long no matter what race, color or sexual orientation we have.

2009-02-14T09:50:00.001-05:00

www.bocatherapy.com
love, relationship, Valentines Day 2009

Litany

You are the bread and the knife,The crystal goblet and the wine...-Jacques Crickillon

You are the bread and the knife,the crystal goblet and the wine.You are the dew on the morning grassand the burning wheel of the sun.You are the white apron of the baker,and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,the plums on the counter,or the house of cards.And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,but you are not even closeto being the field of cornflowers at dusk.
And a quick look in the mirror will showthat you are neither the boots in the cornernor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,the evening paper blowing down an alleyand the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the treesand the blind woman's tea cup.But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.You are still the bread and the knife.You will always be the bread and the knife,not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine.

Personal note: Thank you Donn for the
beautiful poem on this Valentines Day.

Valentines Day: He Loves Me He Loves Me Not?

2009-02-08T23:13:00.002-05:00

sex, intimacy, relationship
bocatherapy.com

It’s that time of year again when all is ok with the world and we are all in love! Valentines Day is coming!!!! All of our romantic dreams will come true! Our lovers will understand us, hear our deepest thoughts, validate our existence in this crazy world and love us deeply until the end of eternity.

Arrrgghhhhh! REALITY CHECK: Our nation is in crisis, yet we are trying to make sense of it all. Lovers and couples have much more on their plates than simply attending to daily issues of their marriages, partnerships and relationships. Marriages and relationships are in trouble more than ever now.
Fear of losing everything we’ve ever worked for, insecurity of not being able to provide for your family, and the resulting behaviors of arguing non-stop are all taking their toll on relationships~

Homes, jobs and even our relationships are at stake in this economy. These economic issues are spilling over onto our dinner tables, and seeping into our bedrooms. These changes in the world are affecting our personal lives more than we realize. It is impossible to live in this world without confronting stressors in our daily lives. However, everyone has a breaking point, a place somewhere on the continuum of life where ‘overload’ occurs and you “just can’t take it anymore.” This is the statement heard most often in my therapy office the past few months. We are satiated, overwhelmed by financial issues, arguments over paying the bills, the pulling apart and separation of the “coupledom” of the relationship.

Where is the romantic partnership that we thought we had? What happened to that man/woman that we fell in love with so long ago? Doesn’t he/she love me anymore? Am I still attractive to my partner, don’t they desire me anymore? “We’ve been together for 5….10……20….years and the spark is just not there any longer” these are the greatest concerns of men and women in relationship today. This month I am featured in the cover story of Boca Magazine’s February 2009 issue- “15 Ways To Say I Love You.” I speak of ways to “Spice It Up” in relationship. Most importantly is the fact that “couples must realize that romance is an absolute. You have to re-create the relationship on a daily basis. Yes, it’s work. But so is getting dressed in the morning and making breakfast.”

Have You Been Naughty or Nice? Santa's Coming To Town!

2008-12-18T17:43:00.002-05:00

Tags: American Academy of Clinical Sexologists, board vertified clinical sexologist, boca raton, charity, chirstmas, deerfield beach, delray beach, Dr. Arlene Krieger, holidays, licensed marraige and family therapist, marraige and family therapy, marraige counsling, men's health, new years, palm beach, sex therapist, sex therapy, therapist, west palm beach, women's health

“Snow is snowing, wind is blowing …I can weather the storm, what do I care how much it may storm…got my love to keep me warm” Can’t remember worse December watch those icicles form….what do I care…icicles form… got my love to keep me warm.. off with my overcoat off with my gloves…who needs an overcoat I’m burning with love.. .My hearts on fire, flame grows higher…I will weather the storm….”
Frank Sinatra

The holiday season is upon us again as the sweet smell of Frasier fir and cinnamon pine cones waif through the air. In Florida the Christmas trees stands, eggnog and gingerbread lattes on the menu board at Starbucks are the few clues that the holidays are near.
Along with the excitement, decorations and spirit of the holidays, also comes the burdens. With the current state of our economy, many without jobs, our men and boys away in the military, for many these holiday weeks will be a very stressful time of the year for most.
It is important to sit back in times like this and reconsider what the true meaning of the holidays implies. Being together with loved ones, acknowledging what we are grateful for, and the selfless joy of giving to others is a greater gift than any store bought present that could make your Christmas bright.
The state of being happy and filling your heart with joy never truly comes from external things. Instead of feeling lonely because you don’t have friends or loved ones near, your energy and time is better put to use with a plan to accomplish something good, to envision trees of green rather than the empty branches of winter. Now is a time for opportunity to help someone else in this wonderful world. Saying I love you can be accomplished in numerous ways. Receiving the loving energy of sharing and helping others is also great food for the soul. It is often human nature to feel sorry for ourselves, what the heck we are only mere mortals. See if your neighbor needs help, volunteer at your local church or synagogue, and donate to your favorite charity.
It’s that time of year when the world falls in love. Wishing you and yours a peaceful and blessed holiday, and May your New Year dreams come true.

I've Fallen (IN LOVE) And I Can't Get Up!

2008-10-19T11:27:00.015-04:00

askdrarlene.com
Bocatherapy.com
sexual health, intimacy, relationships

While on a social networking site that I also post articles on, I came across another members recent post describing her overwhelming feelings of pain and angst over a lost love. Her powerful writings described feelings of falling hard, unrequited love, yearnings for comfort, tossing blindly and her willingness to walk into the fire to be reunited with her lover.

As a little girl I remember all too well the feelings of being dumped by Bobby, my kindergarten boyfriend for little blond Karen, his newest conquest. Although I grew up, fell madly in love myself and lived the all American dream for a few years, the bubble burst and I ended up a single parent of three. As I often tell my patients in my private practice here in Boca Raton, Florida (http://www.bocatherapy.com/) love is not for the timid. In order to love one must be willing to risk. With risk comes thousands of possibilities of outcome. There are no guarantees in life or love. So if you are bold enough to take that giant leap of faith, there are still ground rules for searching for Mr. or Mrs. right!

We all want that love that makes us feel like we're home. Somebody to hold, share in our dreams and disappointments. On the '"jouney of love" most often, the prince charmings and sleeping beauty princesses end up to be diamonds in the rough for most of us. So often I hear the phrase, "I don't want to settle." My advise to you is Don't Ever Settle! True love is not about "settling" in order to say that you're in love or not be alone on a Saturday night.

So instead of reaching out for a phantom love or talking to yourself about what a cold, cold road it is out there, do something about finding that one great person to share your life with. The author on gather.com described her feelings of unrequited love as:

"I am sitting here at my computer waiting as usual for him to email me, I have a feeling he won't. This is hard to write and as I do the tears start once more, I have cried over him so many times. I met someone who after talking with for several month's, almost everyday, came to love. Now how silly is that?
I know I am being silly, but it's true. I told him many times how I feel, he thought it was nice, but was honest from the start telling me he did not feel the same way. So I made a fool of myself . Can someone tell me how do you get over someone you love, but dosn't love you? It hurts terribly and my heart is broken. "

If you're waiting for a change of heart sitting at the edge of your seat expecting your relationship to turn around for the better as the author above, you'll be waiting for a long, long time. People don't usually "change." What you see is what you get in most situations involving love and relationship. Thinking about those lonely nights waiting for someone's call is useless energy that could be better spent in a productive manner and leading you to a fulfilling relationship.

KEYS TO LETTING GO AND MOVING ON FOR THOSE THAT HAVE "FALLEN (IN LOVE) AND CAN'T GET UP."

1. Let go and move on when you don't get back what you put into the relationship.

2. Spending countless hours waiting for someone to call makes you the fool, not him/her.

3. Recognize that you're a unique and valuable person, seek out someone who recognizes you for your worth.

4. Wasting time on someone that doesn't show you respect or consideration is a go nowhere situation.

5. Communication is crucial, when someone tells you who they are, Believe Them!

6. Don't believe you're in love because there is an empty space in your life, develop some basic boundaries

7. If you are at any level of dis-comfort, speak your truth, give your partner a chance to step up to the plate, and if you don't get your needs met, then move on!

Life is not a dress rehearsal as the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, Go Fishing and find your happiness!

In Love and Light,

Dr. Arlene G. Krieger

The Black and White Cookie Syndrome of Relationships!

2008-10-09T09:33:00.013-04:00

askdrarlene.com
sexual health, intimacy, relationships

Hello Readers,

I've been away visiting with my daughter in New York city. She is a young doctor in the city and among the ranks of those "dating" in Manhattan. Over breakfast one morning, we were discussing the issues of relationship and what attracts people to one another. There seem to be some basic correlations in the dating and mating process no matter what generation is at hand.

The conversation turned to peoples likes and dislikes and ultimately to aspects of relationship. As I nibbled on a black and white cookie, it reminded me that just as the movie character Forest Gump referred to life as being like a "box of chocolates", I tend to see relationship as that of the "black and white cookie syndrome."

My daughter looked at me with that look of the empirical mind of a surgeon, and asked what the black and white cookie had to do with relationship? She doubted that I could actually create a blog on the subject, so here's to you my darling daughter.

I received a call from her yesterday to alert me to the fact that she saw the recently printed article where I was interviewed for an article in Cosmopolitan magazine. As a "relationship expert" and Clinical Sexologist, my opinion as Arlene Krieger, PhD. was quoted in the November 2008 issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. The front page article in this issue is titled, "Times You Shouldn't Text a Guy." (pg. 44) As a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist, I am always in motion, in the flow of research, seminars, actively looking for the newest and latest information to help my patients.

Many patients are referred to my practice by gynecologists, urologists and other medical doctors that are also hoping to help their patients. Sex therapy is a very specific specialty and it is good to see that the medical profession is accepting it as part of the integral and comprehensive treatment for their patients.

The black and white cookie analogy represents the differences we all tend to perceive as human beings. Just as in the medical professions, traditional doctors tend to view life and medical issues differently than many of the holistic doctors. These various climates of thought are often confusing to the patients. It is then up to us as individuals to make educated and rational choices, to be responsible for our own physical and mental health.

It is the same process of choosing Relationship that often lends itself to states of conflict and confusion. With the "Black and White cookie" theory, the question arises, why do we have to like chocolate over vanilla or vanilla best over chocolate? Which side of the cookie do you go for first? Do you ever mix it up and eat half of one and half of the other, do you cheat and claim to be a chocolate lover, and yet intermittently break off little bits of the white side of the cookie? Can our individual taste choices be judged here? Would one ever dare to chastise another for their cookie preferences?

The real issue in choosing your partner and getting along with the choice of "cookie" that you made, is in the why,how and what of your choices. People make these most important choices of all, whom you plan on spending the rest of your life with, often based on poor reasoning. This ultimately ends up in the demise of their relationship or marriage.

It is of utmost import to realize exactly which side of the black and white cookie you stand for! If you are a vanilla icing kind of girl, no matter how much you try to rationalize it, you're never going to be at that necessary comfort level with Mr. Chocolate! Although he may talk a convincing story about the rich, dark chocolate wonder of life, you may not be able to live outside of your cool creamy vanilla understanding and existence of your own values and traditions.

We often tend to make our right another's wrong. Its not that simple. Of course if two people are attracted enough to one another to try and build a relationship there will have to be compromise. However, make sure that you choose the familiar side of the cookie before you embark on this most interesting road to romance and lifetime committment.

In Love and Light, Dr. Arlene G. Krieger

The No.1 Way To A Fulfilling Relationship: Choosing Love

2008-09-20T13:15:00.017-04:00

askdrarlene.com
dating, intimacy, relationship, love, sex

Excerpt from: Secrets Of Love Lust and Loss
by Dr. Arlene G. Krieger

How can you be missing someone that never existed? No matter how much you hoped for or pretended that things weren't all that bad, you find that you're alone without your partner. Seeking a rock to stand on you've taken all you can bear and climbed up and out of the relationship.

Your memory will try to play tricks on you for awhile. All you can remember is the last time your lips touched or the final words said to each other. Nothing else seems to matter, how can things be right with the world when your lover has turned her/his back on you. After all, you gave them your heart, your love, your soul energy for gods' sake! Perhaps you thought you heard them whisper words of love and intent, but perhaps it was just your own imagination blowing in the wind.

There seems to be no relief in sight and you can't forget what it was like in their arms. You gave away your heart and all you got back was indecision and doubts.

HOLD ON! STOP!

All that you wanted out of a relationship doesn't have to end in this type of scenario!
There are some key relationship tools that can help you to see who you are, how you got there, and how not to go towards a negative relationship again. Here are a few brief guidelines to put you on that road to happiness, finally realizing healthy and whole relationships.

Don't be discouraged, it's harder than you think in this world full of so many personalities and values, to find your true love. What's done is done, however there is somebody out there for everyone. The perfect relationship can't be ordered up like Latte' at your favorite Starbucks.

The Relationship Tools:

No.1 - Choosing a partner
WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM

No. 2- Dating vs. The Booty Call or Multi-Task Daters-
FIND OUT IF THE PERSON YOU ARE DATING IS EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE

No. 3- Respect your own values and know what your boundaries are
IF YOU DON'T STAND FOR SOMETHING YOU'LL FALL FOR ANYTHING

No.4- The Spirit and Soul Connection
NOTICE HOW THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH HOLDS YOUR HAND, YOUR ATTENTION AND YOUR SPIRIT

These are some basic rules of thumb for not being the victim in any relationship. The heart has a mind of it's own and you can only control yourself, no one elses emotions. If you are not getting your needs met, get out. People don't usually change. What you see is what you get.

Your partners should be considerate and respectful of who you are as a person. Love and relationship is not about what you can get from another person, but rather, true love and caring for someone is about wanting the best for your partner.

The test of whether or not you are choosing the right partner is simple. Are you at ease? Does this person lift your spirits, do you feel good about yourself when in the presence of your partner? Do you both want the same things out of life? Choose carefully, relationship is a sacred and special sharing of energy between two people, two unique souls.

In love and light...
Dr. Arlene

Love: Quotations From The Heart

2008-09-05T19:53:00.005-04:00

askdrarlene.com
intimacy, relationship, sex, love

Love is the most personal of emotions. It is our reason for being, and one of the most purposeful reasons for living. Most of us feels love at some point in time in their life. Whether it is the love of a parent, child, sibling, peer, or personal partner, each of us feels love and expresses love differently. Everyone that loves is unique and all lovers create their own singular world.

We all have our own personal dreams, those that bring us together, and those that break us apart. All lovers must first and foremost share the courage to be in love.

A loving relationship is the delicate merging of two souls. The old adage of those that don't risk in life may never gain or know success. The same is true in the game of love. There is risk in loving another human being, however there is no more powerful magic in all of the universe than that of being in love.

Without hope or the courage to risk it all for love, that ship may pass in the night without leaving even a ripple on your map of life.

Loving With Abandon

2008-08-26T07:36:00.015-04:00

askdrarlene.com
intimacy, love, sex.

In a random moment the other day, without any particular agenda or pre-determined intent, I asked a friend what he thought of 'Love'. Naturally, there was the ever so slight guffaw and chuckle, before his response of, "oh boy."

Those two little words rolled off his tongue with the same effect as my auto mechanic when he's standing over my car engine. Not sure if I'm going to get a simple answer, or be surprised with a need to bring auto parts in from Siberia! My seemingly simple question on "love" could have been received or responded to from various perspectives, though most consider love an ill-defined topic best avoided.

The action of love and the emotionality that comes along as a package deal, is not as complicated as one might think. NOTE: From my professional stance, I believe that love is an action not a feeling. A growing body of research shows that our "love attachments" actually have a neurological foundation from whence these emotional attachments come. This scientific theory establishes a link between monogomy and oxytocin-the so -called love hormone that helps bind mates, as well as mothers and offspring.

So then, what is it about the act of loving with abandon, without the disclaimers that so often are put up as barriers to feeling too much, or falling too quickly into this thing we call love? What horrible fate pray tell, may be awaiting the poor souls of the man/woman that gives too much or shows their cards too soon in love? Does the science of long-term bonds really play a part in the social dance of love?

In exploring this ever so timely question in today's world of a throw-away society, where lovers are exchanged as easily as shoes that don't quite fit right, lets begin with the building blocks of relationship.

Statistically, the reports show that men talk about relationship with their guy friends just as much as women do, only differently. Whether one wants to admit to it or not, we do still live in a male oriented society in the western world. The old standards of who calls whom, when is it appropriate to call, does the 48 hour call rule still count, what will he/she think if I call too much, what the heck is too much, who indeed makes these rules? Lets not even get into the notion of texting rules in this blog! That is an entire subject on its own!

Now first readers, you have to understand that I think relationship and sex 24/7, after all, I'm a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist with a private practice where all I do is work with persons with relationship, love and intimacy issues. How can one not think about love and relationship most of every waking moment considering my field of expertise. Every time a couple passes by holding hands whether 20 or 80, I wonder about their story.

The "story" is everything in LOVE. It is the perception and belief system of each individual, merged with the respective partner's story. This coming together of two parties ultimately has to have a similar story in common for it to work. But then, who devises the "story" and who decides which parts to keep and which to throw away?

This is the part where it gets complicated, and when most of the couples I see end up in my office. We are all "storied" from the time we are small children. Someone in your earliest and most intimate of relationships, whether, mother, father, sister, brother, elementery school teacher Mrs. Smith, all the way up to the present has created a dominant discourse about you. You know what I mean, that you are either the cute one, the smart one, the one with personality and charm, the procrastinater, the smooth talker, the skinny one, the heavy one, the sad one, the shining star, the one thats going to grow up to be president, the loser, the winner, etc. etc.

The key here is whether or not you "buy into the story" or create your own story of who you are. This process also takes place when two people first meet. They bring their own stories to the table, but must co-create their story together as a couple in order to share a vision of a future together. This allows for mutual respect, love, adoration, compromise, care and fulfillment to grow in the relationship.

The largest jump that most couples must make is this joining of vision and ability to see the other partner as best friend and lover vs. the bad guy that is on the other team. The story is what makes or breaks the deal at this crucial point.

FRIDAYS BLOG: CREATING THE STORY

THE NO. 1 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GREAT LOVER AND THE NOT SO MUCH GUY!

2008-08-10T17:53:00.011-04:00

ask Dr. Arlene
relationship, intimacy, sex, love

Hello readers,

It is a rainy Sunday afternoon and I am sitting down to write on this very important subject of, 'What makes your lover great.'

FYI:
Also mentioned in this blog are safe-sex practices for those in the dating and mating scene. Many often take sexual health risks without understanding the consequences of unsafe sex. If you do not know your intended lover and haven't discussed previous dating practices, health records, blood work and STD, HIV testing measures, please do so before entering any new intimate relationship for your own safety.

As to what constitutes a "Great Lover"...it is a delicate subject indeed, and I do not profess to be the world's expert on differentiating between great lovers and not, however, being an expert in the field of human sexuality, I am often privy to numerous opinions on the subject, both unsolicited and randomly provided in my daily interactions with people (meaning on the street opinions, not those of my patients).

I was talking to a massage therapist the other day on this subject. I respect her ideas and she is a savvy woman of the world. Yes guys, we women do talk about such things. Possibly a bit differently than males do, but we talk.

So then, let's begin. It seems that there is a general consensus among women as to what makes for a not so good, a good and a great lover!

THE NOT SO GOOD LOVER:

In general, this man will brag at first meeting of his sexual prowess in the bedroom. Also, it is often alluded to as to how well endowed he is. It seems that if the man was such a Casanova in the bedroom, he wouldn't be having to put out a pre-show documentary on his circus act abilities. Also, this man may have a Bad Boy persona, which usually doesn't get him too far. Many men think that women like Bad Boys, but believe me, its an urban myth !

Also, the "not so good lover" is generally all about himself, in multi-dimensional ways. It is maintained that this NSG lover is all about his own performance and pleasure. It is usually his way or the highway, and when suggestions are made, he maintains his reasoning for his own selfish proclivities, standing his ground like a spoiled child. Great sex is about sharing, communication, negotiation and most of all playfulness. Too many rules in the bedroom are a capital TO for Turn Off!

SEXUAL HEALTH NOTE:

Danger: Equal-Opportunity STDs

Here's another reality check: sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are incredibly common in the U.S. -- even if your social circle is affluent and educated. The most common STDs are: Chlamydia, genital herpes, genital warts caused by human papillomavirus (HPV), and HIV/AIDS.
To reduce risk, use a condom every time you have sex. Ask your partner if he or she has ever had an STD -- even if the question feels awkward. Limit your number of sexual partners. Don't have sex with someone who has sores on his or her genitals. Don't receive oral sex from somebody with a cold sore. Ask your partner to be tested. Try alternate forms of sexual intimacy.

Please beware of the lover that will insist on not utilizing safe-sex practices. If a new lover demands that he not use a condom because he "can't feel anything", I'm sorry to say that's his problem, not yours. Don't risk contracting STD's or other sexually contracted diseases with this man's power play.

THE GOOD LOVER:

The 'Good Lover' takes responsibility and provides his own safe-sex protection. This man is a grown up all the way and usually knows what he wants. He is not too quick to jump the starting gate on the first date and knows the basic rules of not choking you to death with his tongue at first kiss. The Good Lover knows how to follow your lead both in and out of the bedroom.

THE GREAT LOVER:

Ahhhh... this man is a unique creature. Seriously he really does exist! The makings of a Great Lover depends on how healthy he is both mentally and physically himself. This man wants a partner who challenges and supports him towards being a more awake, present and open lover.
This man is not into playing games and is ready for the work and play it takes to co-create an extaordinary relationship together. This lover is looking for a woman who wants more than a partner "for masturbation by other" who wants to learn to flow and co-create together.
Where do you find this man?

Next Post: Getting What You Want Out of Dating and Relationship

In Love and Light,
Dr. Arlene

He Just Had A Date From Hell: And Other Excerpts From He Said She Said

2008-08-03T09:05:00.016-04:00

askdrarlene.com
dating, relationship, sex, intimacy, internet dating

"I just had a date from hell", stated the man standing behind me at the local Starbucks this rainy Sunday morning.

A date from hell, ahh I can relate to that experience myself. But just what is this experience that so many speak of ? C'mon we've all heard both males and females complaining of their most awful dating experiences as being the worst ever in history!

So then, what constitutes a "worst ever" experience? The context differs based on the differences in gender perspective from those interviewed.

First lets tackle the No. 1 question of who pays for dinner!

From the Men:
(these comments were made by men in the 28-62 year old age range, interviewed in the South Florida area)

The most common complaint is that women expect to be bought expensive dinners, whether the first meeting is a mutual attraction or not. Further, even if dating, many men often complain that they are expected to pay for all entertainment, dinners, etc. without any gratitude or reciprocity at all.

I asked what "gratitude and reciprocity" looked like. Exactly what are these men speaking about? Well, in general here is what they had to say.

1. We don't want to be expected to pick up the check. The woman should at least put her credit card on the table and offer to pay half, or at least pick up the tip.

2. Why should we have to pay for dinner if the woman makes the same salary if not more than what we are earning.

3. It shouldn't just be expected that the man pay for everything. I think a lot of these women are just gold diggers looking for someone to buy them dinner.

4. The woman wants us to buy them dinner but then won't even spring for a goodnight kiss or show us some affection.

5. What do we get in return for spending over $100.00 for a movie and dinner. Why should the man have to spend that kind of money every week on a different woman? In the internet dating scene, when you are dating around, it should be understood that we go dutch and share expenses.

OK....NOW FOR THE WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW

When the same question was put to the women on this subject of who pays for what, this is what the general consensus was: (These comments were made by women in the 28-58 year old age range interviewed in the South Florida area)

1. Call me old fashioned but I think that when a man asks you to dinner, that he should pick up the tab. I mean, we talked on the phone several times, the man asked me out, why should I be paying for his dinner? Its kind of a man woman thing, you know, the man picks you up, drives you out on the date, opens the door for you (yeah right) and pays for the evening if he is interested in you.

2. Well, I can't speak for all women, but I do expect for the man that asks me out to show me a good time and pay for either dinner, movie, concert etc. Usually the guy makes a better income than many women and they can afford it. Many of us are single or divorced women with children to take care of and dinner out just isn't in our budget. Whatever happened to good manners and the way it used to be in my parent's time. Back then according to my Mom, men were gentlemen and would never even mention money or what things cost for the evening on a date!

3. I'm so glad you asked me this question. I get this all the time from many of my dates. They get offended if after buying dinner and spending approximately 1 hour and 52 minutes with them, you are not either all over them or letting them put the moves on you. I can't believe it, they expect us to just go home with them for the evening and spend the night over. So who really has the sense of "entitlement" here? Is it the women because we "expect" the guy to spring for dinner, or the guy because he wants us to "put out" after he spends his money on us?

4. Oh gosh, I don't know. I guess it depends on the situation and the persons involved. There are so many scenarios possible. You just can't say it should be any one way. I personally believe that before even going out on the date, perhaps you should have talked over things like values, belief systems, and the way you both are as people. Too many of us jump into something, I have to admit I've done it myself, for the wrong reasons. You know, the guy is really cute, but ends up being a player or a jerk by nights end. I think women should spend at least as much time as they do when buying a pair of shoes in the decision making process of whether or not the "guy" is a good fit!

5. Why does a man buying you dinner give him the right to think that he can have his way with you. Most importantly, is he dating or buying you for the evening? Perhaps he should be on one of the 1-900 web sites and not on the internet "dating" sites. Where do these guys get off expecting that they are owed something after a date that they've paid for?

6. On the who buys dinner thing, I don't really know, its always a different story with my dates.
One guy however, told me on the second date, that he really wanted to sleep with me. I told him that I didn't sleep with someone unless I knew them well enough to have developed some real feelings for them. His response? "You would sleep with me now if it weren't for the fact that you think I would think you were a tramp." Wow.....I couldn't believe what I was hearing from this guy. I should have just walked away and called a cab.

And there it is from my recent interview on: He said/She said

This forum only reflects the thoughts and opinions of this random interview study. I would love to hear from my readers around the world on this subject. Please let us know your thoughts and opinons!

The Dumbing-Down of Chivalry

2008-08-01T10:05:00.007-04:00

askdrarlene.com

dating, relationship

OMG...is it true? Is chivalry really dead? It seems to be so, as reported in a recent interview and corroborated by several generations of the dating population. In this 21st century world of texting, IM's and internet dating, where oh where has the knight in shining armor gone? It seems his white horse has run off without him and left us women to fend for ourselves!

If only it weren't true, however the reports run steady across the board from those in their 20's to 50's. Most importantly, many men agreed that their peers were oblivious to many of the honorable dating rituals of times gone by.

This interview was done in the "dating trenches" of metropolitan South Florida areas, including South Beach, Miami, and the Palm Beaches. Just to make it clear that the men and women interviewed were not living in rural small town America, where I can only imagine that some of the niceties of romance and courting may still exist.

According to the men interviewed, it has seemingly become a pattern of behavior to "text" rather than make a phone call to their girlfriend. This was apparently the norm whether they were in a current relationship or just starting to date.

It seems that the art of texting allows for a more casual connection. Without having to actually
speak to the other person and experience the pressure of coming up with the right thing to say, this seems to provide for a safety net of sorts.

Has 21st century relationship become so mechanical and separated from the flesh and blood of humanity, that we now only want the quick hook-up without the intimacy involved in the dance of love and romance?

To be continued:

Almost Drowning In This Sea: How To Survive Falling Out Of Love

2008-07-20T11:03:00.009-04:00

askdrarlene.com
love, intimacy, sex, relationship

It was everything you ever thought you needed, your best friend and confidant, romantic and lovely, he/she was your everything all wrapped into one PERFECT package. When you kissed the world seemed to stop and you'd swear that you were the only two people in exhistence that had ever felt this sweet ecstasy.

By now you know I am just telling stories, there is fiction in the space between that notion of the perfect you and me. Sometimes things just don't work out. The breakup is as simple as that, it all ended in less than 5 minutes of harsh words and disappointment. You know it's the best thing for both of you, but it hurts deep and hard.

Did it really have to end, did he/she disappoint? You couldn't find the words to say I love you, spinning in the cloud of whether to go or stay, you end it.
_________________________

It is at this point of no return that is so important to explore and define your state of survival and well-being. This involves forgiveness and a willingness to accept that there were two parties involved here, so obviously you played a large part in the dynamics of the breakup. Many times we want to villainize our ex, they broke our hearts so of course they were the guilty ones and we were just the innocent victims! NOT!

Excuse me please, but most likely you had an idea before you got into the relationship of what to expect and who or what you were encountering. We know within a few minutes of meeting someone usually whether or not there is chemistry (which by the way can get you into trouble if that is all there really is to the relationship) and by the time you've had a few dates, you get a sense of who your partner is.

There is a great saying that says it all; "When someone tells you who they are, believe them."
We are often blinded by lust and chemistry, wanting to fit that special someone into the mold that you want them to be.

Your prince or princess has finally shown up at your door, yet if you're not careful, that pedestal you've put them on may come crashing down! So then how to know someone when you're really nothing less than strangers when you first start out on the path of a new relationship. You shared special moments and words that only lovers speak, so how can it be that the tables turned on the spin of dime and you're suddenly standing there alone?

Well, although disappointing at best when things don't work out, without risk, one can never truly encounter a great love. Nothing is guaranteed in this lifetime. They say that one must risk in order to gain.

Stated most eloquently-

The unexplored life is not worth living - Sǒcratēs; circa 470–399 BC.

So pick yourself up and brush yourself off. I know the heartache feels like it will never end, but you will survive this. You must remember that breaking up is a process. You may feel pain and anger in the beginning. Once you have passed through this level of energy, it is important to focus on forgiveness in order to move on. Also, no relationship is usually ever without some merit. I'm sure you each added something to the relationship during the time you spent together. Ultimately something learned, something gained, something given and received from each party.

Its been a long hot summer, maybe next year will be better than the last. Its one more day that you may live to the fullest.

May you live everday of your life- jonathon swift

The "Sex" Tells A Story: Analysis of a Relationship

2008-07-13T17:46:00.006-04:00

askdrarlene.com

sex, relationship, marriage

In my previous blog I asked my readers to comment on whether or not they believed in "Real Love." The jury is still out on that one and I'm waiting a bit to read the emails I've been getting on the subject. I'll soon write Part II, in which I will present my thoughts and theories on whether or not I believe there is such a thing as "true love."

In the meantime, there is another component to relationship that is one of the most accurate ways to gauge the status of your relationship. First however, I need to define what I mean by relationship. I'm sure I've spoken of this in many of my previous blogs, but to clarify, I am referring to relationship as defined by Wikapedia:

-the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with one another, especially as regards the way they behave toward and feel about one another ; An emotionally close friendship, especially one involving sexual activity- a friendship, connection, union.

I think the above definition pretty much defines what we all in general think of when we hear the term "relationship." However, not many bother to discuss or define the sexual part of relationship until it becomes a problem for someone in the partnership.

The "Sex" of a relationship does indeed tell a story, defining the nuances and compatibilities’, the individual oddities and yet beautiful dance that each of the partners brings to the lovemaking, and intimacy of the "it" of relationship. This heat and energy between two people can be way beyond and bigger than any intellectualization you can muster up, in attempting to define your feelings for one another.

Often couples come into therapy reporting that they seem to have lost the excitement and desire for each other. Usually this is a symptom of something much larger than merely a loss of libido.

The rivers run deep when it comes to the gamut of emotionality and feelings that we as humans can feel for each other. It only takes one great slight, or breaking of one of the sacred bonds of partnership, causing contempt and disdain for the respective partner.

In order be in the flow, and have the kind of intimacy and sexuality that movies and love stories are made of, YES...I believe GREAT SEX does indeed exist... there MUST BE INTIMACY in the relationship. In order for Intimacy to exist...there must be respect and trust. For Respect and Trust to be in place, good communication and the ability to compromise is an absolute. These ingredients of a great relationship cannot and do not exist independently of one another.

If you are in good health, physically and mentally, and there are no medical issues that would prevent you and your partner from enjoying a healthy and active sex life, then times a wasting!

What are you waiting for? Isn't it time to explore the romantic options and possibilities that can exist for you both? Unfair fighting, standing your ground in arguments, building contempt and resentment in your relationship are go nowhere games that many people play.

Take time to stop and smell the roses...life is short and here to be enjoyed! Begin a new dialogue with your partner. Someone has to make the first move. Please don't let your ego stop you from reaching out to your partner and expressing your needs and desires.

Remember that the state of your sex life is most always a measurement of a healthy working partnership. Don't believe everything you hear on the morning radio talk shows...love is different than lust. Lust is a dime a dozen, a strong and enduring love is a gem that many never find. Take the time to be spontaneous and creative, loving and considerate and you'll find that flicker of passion that can only exist with purpose and passion.

Have You Ever Been In Love?

2008-07-05T22:39:00.008-04:00

askdrarlene.com
Love, Relationship, Intimacy

Well, July 4th has come and gone, and the summer is almost half over. Can you believe it? What about your dreams all winter long, enduring the cold and the snow, thinking about that great summer vacation that lies ahead. Hoping to meet that special someone during that long hot and sultry summer, you devise the most intricate of plans in your head, knowing it will be a July full of romance and lust that will outshine any firework display!

SCREEEEECCHHHHHH!!!!! Ok, now back to reality. It is the middle of the summer, and your one true love has not yet appeared! Egad! What on earth, no it can't be, not another bummer of a summer with no fantastic love story to report upon return to earth and your fellow co-workers!

So then, what of this fantasy that most of us have had once or twice in our lives, to fall madly in love with that one unique and fantastic, handsome/beautiful person that walks on water and floats through the air?

The one that you've created in your mind a thousand times over, that will love you like you've never been loved before and can do no wrong. The one guy or gal that reminds you of good old mom's apple pie and dad's aftershave when you were 6 years old.

Its a bird, its a plane, NO....or is it merely a myth as intangible as Superman's ability to fly?

You tell me. I'd love to hear from my readers first. Then I'd love to respond to most all of you as to whether or not I truly believe that "REAL LOVE" does indeed exist!!

Looking forward to hearing your comments.

Dr. Arlene

2008-06-29T10:51:00.007-04:00

The No. 1 Issue of No Sex In Your Relationship: Is Anyone Out There Having Sex?

2008-06-19T09:39:00.009-04:00

AskDrArlene.com
sex,relationship,desire

Is anyone out there still having sex? Honestly, I know it is summer and hot hot hot out there, but c'mon people...surely you have the time and energy to conjure up a bit of sexy stuff with your partner! As they say, "Just Do It!"

Madonna's got it right when she sings,
"Gonna dress you up in my love, in my love All over your body, all over your body In my love All over, all over From your head down to your toes."
There ya go, remember what it feels like to be in lust?

In conversation with another mental health professional this week, I was startled to hear her corroborative report that none of her patients were having sex! Although she doesn't specialize in sexuality, the issues of low libido and desire were also raising their sad statistical little heads in her psychiatric arena of therapy.

The issues of low libido, lack of desire and simply falling out of love with a partner are in the top 3, of issues that present in my office. The reasons range from simply not being in the mood, to some personal affront or offense perceived by one or another of the partners, resulting in a sexless and guarded relationship.

Once anger and contempt enter the parameters of relationship, there is a black hole where the heart used to be. No love or intimacy can grow there in the dark.

Only through healthy communication can these problems in a relationship be "fleshed out" a term used in the therapeutic world. This meaning, being able to work through the hurts and disappointments that are always there in the world of relationship. Knowing how to fight fairly, not bringing up the past or throwing verbal zingers at your partner just to inflict pain or harm.

Before you're singing the song...you're already gone, I'm lonely, and find yourself begging your partner to stay, stop here please! These are the final stages of argument, where partners can make mistakes that are irreparable.

Professional help can often help partners sort things out and prioritize their relationship in a healthier more functional manner.

The statistical facts continue to support the fact that marriage and relationship is hard work. It is hard to keep sexuality and romance alive in relationship today. What can be done about it? Is sex still important after a few years together?

As a Clinical sexologist, I say, plenty can be done about it! And yes, sex is absolutely, totally, definitely, a necessity in relationship. There are a 1001 ways to show love, and enjoy a fully satisfying sexual life with your partner.