Stella

Ahhh, a true test of the discipline that is agnoistrology!

Let us see what the powers of rationality, logic, and reason reveal with nothing but the minuscule amount of information you’ve provided and my knowledge and experience in human relationships…

Stella, your love life is only as good as the time and effort invested in it by you and your partner. When it is fresh, love is beautiful and exciting but precariously perched upon lust and adventure; a foundation must be built for it. This base will be continuously assaulted by complacency, ego, and the ever-present storm of challenges and obstacles the world throws at you. Repairing and reinforcing this support at every opportunity will help you weather the future but it must be a shared responsibility – agnoistrology demands that you draw upon your inner strength, take the initiative to evaluate your lover in a brutally honest fashion, then assess your own intentions with the same harsh standards, and finally, bring the issues that must be addressed out into the open so that they can be resolved before they get buried and eat away at your relationship’s foundation.

I hope this helped, Stella. If you need a more personal and customized description of your future, there is another you may ask: Sivaprakash.

-Edd

Pradeep

Dear Pradeep,

Continuously trying to contact your friend when she doesn’t feel like talking to you will do more harm than good. Give her the space she needs and wait for her to reach out to you when she is ready. I don’t know why she is angry with you, but you may have to face the possibility that your friendship is beyond salvation. Relationships don’t always end the way we want them to, however, time might heal this wound so be patient and maintain a respectful distance.

-Edd

Barry

Dear Barry,

Your suggestion makes a lot of sense. (I suppose that means you aren’t a very strict practitioner of Discordianism.) If the constellation of Eris stays in one place long enough, I’ll make every effort to identify and categorize it.

-Edd

When I was a whipper snapper, I naively went to a fortune teller to find out all my future plans. After writing something on a piece of paper, he suddenly revealed my future:

1. I would travel the whole world;
2. I would meet the woman of my dreams
3. I would by the King of all my endeavours;
4. I would become rich and famous.
5. If 1-4 didn’t happen, then come back and see him again in 6 months time.

Well after doing this for about 15 years, I suddenly started to think that this fellow was a of a phoney. For a start I’ve only have travelled 3/4 of the world, and married Jennifer Aniston instead of Jennifer Love Hewitt.

If only I had consulted Agnoistrology, I could have saved my vast fortune for other things, like Dubai Property or Gold Reserves.

Thanks Edd for showing me the way.

Regards,
DaveL

PS I’ll see you in Bhutan for morning tea.

PPS The Lear jet is waiting for you out the back.

Dear DaveL,

Thank you for your missive. It always warms my heart to read a tale of enlightenment, however late in life. As a practitioner of agnoistrology, I can confidently predict that you will:

1. Travel the universe from the comfort of earth as it hurtles through space;
2. Dream about women;
3. Read something by Stephen King;
4. Endeavor to be rich and famous.

Don’t be too hard on yourself over what you’ve missed out on, however. (Dubai’s labor issues are giving me grey hairs and investing in gold is passé.)

-Edd

PS. Unfortunately, Jennifer and I will be yachting around the Antarctic Peninsula for the next week or so in an effort to unwind away from the paparazzi after her recent television movie and photo shoot for People magazine. Perhaps you could join us one evening for cocktails?

PPS. I’ve validated your pilot’s parking stub and given him the rest of the day off, hope you don’t mind.

As much as I love Agnoistrology and use it religiously to make decisions about the
way I live my day-to-day life, I couldn’t help noticing that more conventional
astrology often gives people lucky numbers, colours and so on to make their
important life choices with.

So, any chance of some lucky numbers, colours, smells, cooking ingredients,
hairstyles, clothing, interior decor hints, chat-up lines, brands of cellphone,
breeds of dog/cat, any other arbitrary factor that I can obsess over?

Thanks,

Roy

Dear Roy,

Thanks for using Agnoistrology (the only life guide that freely admits to not really knowing anything at all about you) in your day to day decisions.

Anyone looking for more ways to pass the responsibilities of using your own judgement on to me will be glad to hear that more features are in store for the site. Please feel free to make suggestions and subscribe for more updates.

And here’s something about today you might not have realized: it’s the perfect day for telling someone you know about Agnoistrology.com!

-Edd

-Ubi Dubium

Dear Ubi Dubium,

Thanks to Project Wonderful, Agnoistrology.com has been getting quite a bit of traffic from Jesus and Mo. It seems I chose well when anticipating the best audience for satirical horoscopes.

Don’t worry about missing the announcement at the venganza forums; I try to limit my shameless promotions there.

-Edd

I have a boyfriend. We have practically nothing in common: different interests,
different tastes, different hobbies, different religious and political views,
different goals in life, WAY different heights. (A superficial difference, but a
difference nonetheless and it causes some minor irritation at inopportune
moments…) Things we do have in common: manga/anime, the same group of friends,
nonverbiose-ness, and an intense, evolutionary-driven imperative to… *ahem*. Note
the last two aren’t really all that helpful to our relationship, considering how
important communication is in overcoming all other differences and that we are
really not as emotionally prepared as we are physically prepared to act on our
mutual attraction. And all these differences are things I think about and start
panicking about when I’m not with him. I think that, with a lot of effort, we could
work anyways. I’m just not always sure that we have enough to make it worth the
attempt..

But I forget all about such thoughts when I see him. I break into a smile at the
sight of him, and laugh full-heartedly at all his lame jokes, and stare into his
eyes and I can hardly remember what I’d thought was wrong, or why it would even
matter. I wonder why anything at all is important except that right here, in this
very second, this beautiful boy likes me. I think in those moments I truly believe,
or at least try to convince myself, that everything is perfect and anything that
isn’t we can make right together. That maybe we aren’t the most immediately
compatible couple in the world, but the connection I’d doubted at the start of our
relationship is already there and being forged stronger every day, and I’m just not
letting myself believe in it.

But I’m not with him right this second, and I can’t entirely comprehend what I was
thinking and how I got to get where I am now. Without the brilliant glamour that his
presence seems to put on things, everything looks eerie and broken and wrong. From
this perspective, it seems so very clearly an unhealthy relationship: a pitifully
low-self-esteemed girl who has latched onto her first boyfriend, who she isn’t
entirely compatible with, for fear of never finding anything better. Or even worse,
I see a couple of clueless teens putting their genitals in front of their common
sense. That would certainly explain why the love high doesn’t last long outside of
audio-visual cue range.

It’s like I have two pairs of glasses, and I only have the other one to compare it
with. While wearing one, the other seems absolutely wrong. One hour I think
everything is wrong and I need to break things off, and the next we seem absolutely
worth it and I can’t even comprehend the idea of walking away. In comparison to each
other they are like dark, opaque glasses that block out the light of sun and
beautiful, deceptive rose-colored lenses. Which one holds the clearer view of the
world? Is one of them my normal prescription lense, and the other exactly what it
seems? Are both of them wrong? Even the way this letter is written, it’s heavily
weighted in favor of the sunglasses being right because that’s the only way that
makes sense right now, no matter how much I remember it making sense the other way
as well.

I have to be able to know whether I’m doing the right thing without my supposed
reason dancing in front of my eyes. I have to be able to trust that my judgment in
such times isn’t based solely on overactive hormones that will begin to settle in
the next couple years, or on a fear of never having another serious commitment, or
on panicked recoiling from the serious commitment right in front of me. Breaking up
to get some distance from the situation hasn’t worked to solve the dichotomy before,
only substituting a slightly different (and infinitely more maddening) one, and
would require some self-esteem I don’t think I have to do any more effectively. (Oh
wow, there’s a self-fulfilling statement: ‘I don’t think I have any self-esteem.’) I
need to know which reactions I can trust, and right now I don’t trust any of them.

I already know the typical responses, I think. I’ve read too many psych and
self-help books not to:

* Work on that self-esteem. You have to be strong in yourself before any
relationship to work.
* Think about what you want from life and what part your S.O. plays in that, write
it down.
* It’s a relationship for FSM’s sake–TALK TO YOUR S.O. about the issues you are
having!
* You’re young, you don’t HAVE to have all the answers. They’ll change the answers
on you in a few years anyways…You’re more resilient than you think, so have a
little fun (safely) and don’t be so serious about everything.

I probably just need to have it out there and said, more than anything.

[/Psychoanalyzing]

Arrggh. >:(

-Pirate Girl

Dear Pirate Girl,

I think you’ve done a good job of describing the maelstrom of emotions you’re going through. It’s very difficult to evaluate a relationship from an objective point of view when your mind is bombarded with its physiological and psychological effects. Unfortunately, even though many
of us have gone through something similar at one point or another in our lives, there is no easy fix for your problem. People are not puzzle pieces that mesh together perfectly, no matter how many broken heart necklaces you see in the movies. We grow and change in every imaginable manner and it can take a lot of heartache and soul searching before we find the one
who will complement us in a fulfilling way.

You seem to also be asking about whether or not you should have sex with your boyfriend. While there are different schools of thought regarding sexual activity outside of marriage or a strong commitment, I believe most everyone would agree, if you don’t think you’re emotionally ready for it, don’t do it. My personal motto in most situations is, Hope For The Best But Prepare For The Worst, and it applies here, too. If the two of you split up in the near future, how will you feel about having taken that step?

One of the things I find interesting about your letter is what you’ve left out – love. You know enough about him to make lists of your differences and similarities, so I’m assuming you also know him well enough to answer the important questions: Do you love him? Could you love him? Does he love you? Is love even something you need from this relationship?

Most importantly, remember that your boyfriend is a person with his own thoughts and feelings. If you meet someone with whom you do have much in common and share a mutual physical attraction, what will you do? What do you expect him to do if he meets someone? (There are billions of people out there, so it’s really a matter of ‘when’ and not ‘if,’ but that particular storm is much easier to weather after you’ve built a strong foundation with someone.)

I believe that you already know what the proper path is and you only need to find the confidence to forge ahead, come what may.

-Edd

how do yew sulv a pwablum lik Maweeuh?

-Nef Yoo

Dear Nef Yoo,

Even though you are a fictional creation and your question is unquestionably facetious, I’m glad you asked. You’ve given me an opportunity to break the ice, so to speak, and demonstrate to a potential audience what may be expected in this portion of the Agnoistrology website. I will therefore answer your query seriously despite its rhetorical nature and look forward to sharing your correspondence when a bit of comic relief is needed.

Some of your difficulties with regards to Maweeuh may be that you see her as a problem to be solved instead of a person to be understood. Try imagining why she might behave the way she does and reevaluate your relationship with that in mind. Communicate with her openly and honestly and don’t shy away from simply asking her to change her behavior if it is causing you distress. I’d attempt a more in-depth answer but you’ve provided me with very little in regards to specificity and I am reluctant to give more advice based on conjecture.

-Edd