Ask GirlShrink :: The Free Relationship Advice Column

What Did I Do Wrong?

2009-06-29T16:47:00.004-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,

"Dave" and I have been dating for 2 months. He and I have known each other for years. We ran into each other one evening and have been seeing each other ever since. Dave was with his last girlfriend for 5 years but broke up with her last year because she wanted marriage and he doesnt.

He told me upfront that if I wanted marriage, I was barking up the wrong tree so to say. I myself have been divorced for 20 years and have no intentions on ever remarrying so I was fine with that. Dave and I have been together every weekend since starting to date. He picked me up every Friday evening to stay at his house and would take me home Sunday evening. He would also come into town every Wednesday to see me for a few hours in the evenings.

Everything was good for us. We got along well, laughed together, worked on his home projects together and spent alot of quaility time with one another. Dave came to my house last Wednesday and jokingly asked me how many times I had been out with my friends that week. I had been out the night before and told him so. I also mentioned that a mutual friend of ours seen me and asked me what I was doing in there with Dave the weekend before.

He asked me what I said.. and I told him that I just said, "Yeah, he and I hang out together every now and then." Dave became quiet and left shortly after telling me that he would probably see me on Friday. The weekend came and went with no word at all from Dave. Sunday I called him and he was completely out of character. He was short with me and told me that he didnt
want a comittment to have to see someone every weekend and that he would "email me or something sometime." He then hung up the phone.

Why has he pulled away like this? Does it have to do with what I said about us hanging out? He has introduced me to his friends at work as his girlfriend. He's never been a real affectionate person and has appologized to me numerous times for not being "romantic" and not having alot of time for me during the week. I have never complained though... he appologized on his own. This morning I fired off an email to him asking him to please come to my house so we can talk about this. Have I pushed him farther away by doing so? Should I just wait it out to see if he will try to contact me again? Or should I move on and consider us over? I just don't understand why he pulled away so suddenly!!!

Dear Dating Dave,
When I read your letter and got to the part of him asking you "what did you say", I knew exactly how the rest of this letter was going to read. He plays commitment games and probably doesn't even realize it.

First of all, he actually enjoys commitment because he is a serial monogamous dater. He likes relationships and the reliability of being with the same partner, but he wants to control relationship and for that to happen - men will typically say that they are not looking for marriage or a serious relationship. That way a woman will not ask from him what he is not willing to give. Ultimately though he is fooling himself. He thinks that he can actually have a long term relationship this way, and while there are some women waiting for the other shoe to drop, most women are not going to wait forever to take their relationship to the next level. Proof is the demise of his last relationship.

Secondly - the flip side to the whole way that he deals with you is that he also wants you to want a relationship with him. He enjoys the woman asking for more -and he rejecting her. Again this gives him a sense of power and control. The fact that you did not respond to the mutual friend by saying that you two are 'dating' or are in a 'relationship' threw him. I think he really was expecting you to give an answer like that so that he could challenge you on it "Why did you say that?" AND internally he wants to be wanted.

The fact that you made such a casual reference to the "real relationship" that you two are in. I don't care what you call it. Made him angry. And he can't tell you that he's angry because of course he was the one to initiate the whole "casual" dating thing.

As far as what you should do? This is the thing. He wants you to come after him. That gives him the power back. But ultimately this guy has commitment issues. Honesty issues (with himself). I don't know if he is ever going to be mature enough to have a real relationship - one that requires an investment of time and emotion from BOTH parties.

You could play his game and act like you want more so that his ego is fed etc., but that's exhausting and will eventually become boring and silly. I don't think there is anything you could have done to have foreseen this or to have changed the outcome. He is a loose cannon, and I don't think you can win either way. If you really do want more from him - he will run and if you act like you don't want more he will run. My best advice would be to chalk this up as a miss and move on. Try and salvage the friendship if you can.

Going It Alone With My First Boyfriend

2009-06-14T19:31:00.004-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,

Kayy...so I just got my first boyfriend three days ago, but we haven't been on a date yet. I'm kinda scared since I don't see him in person all that much (we go to different schools) but I talk to him alot on msn. And on msn he asked me out to the movies, AND on msn he keeps saying I can't wait for that date so I can hold you and kiss you...I'm like AHHHHH!!!! I was thinking of bringing a friend or two to the movies with me so it could be like a group thing, but what if that gets awkward too?
Kat - Mississauga, Ontario

Dear Kat,
This is all really new for you and while I am not sure of your age, I would say that you are old enough to trust your instincts. If you are not yet comfortable being alone or one-on-one with your boyfriend -- then you should absolutely invite a few friends to come along to the movie. Your boyfriend shouldn't mind. You two will still be together. I personally think that it is much easier to get to know a guy when you are in a group situation. You can talk to him, you can see how he gets along with others, you can get an idea of what your friends think of him and vice-versa. I think that you will get a much bigger idea of who he is on a group date, and of course there is always time to be alone with him on later dates. So that's my two cents -- just have a good time, and enjoy your first relationship. You will remember it all your life:-)

Is My Wife Too Old For Me?

2009-06-10T00:22:00.003-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,

I've been married for several years and was in what I thought was a happy relationship. I mean it was great to me. My wife is four years older then me. We have a daughter and a son, and we started a business together. I like to do things after work, especially since we have a babysitter and the kids are older now. We can go out like we use to. She doesn't want to. She wants to work on the biz on our "off" time and she doesn't want to go out dancing and stuff with me. I know it may seem that I see her a lot since we share a biz, kids, home -- but I like to go out and I want my wife to go with me. I don't have many male friends so that's my story. Any suggestions?

Dear Husband,
Hey I wish more wives had hubbies like you. You actually want to spend time with your wife! That's great. But let me tell you something about moms. We get to a point where we are so exhausted (babysitter or not) that we just want to go home and lay like broccoli with our family. If you are still going out partying like you always have -- she may be a little "over that". Partying for us was often about searching for a guy. Now that we have the guy we are busy making our houses a home and working at our careers/businesses. That's what's important to many of us moms and it sounds like that may be what's going on with your wife.

Just ask yourself is the hanging out a deal breaker? Will you cavort with other women when you go out without her? Can you find some other friend or coworker to hang out with for those times you want to go out, and do things that you both like when it's time for your wife?

Just keep in mind husband - don't let this get out of hand and ruin your relationship. Just find some common ground and all should be fine.

Should I Get Back With My Ex Boyfriend In Jail?

2009-05-16T21:49:00.002-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,
Okay I have a boyfriend that I do care about and I just got back in contact with my x (the love of my life) and he's locked up. We been writing and he wants us to work it out when he gets out... I don't know what to do, I don't want to lead my boyfriend on but i don't want to lose him either... and My x well I love him a lot but I don't know if I should take the risk???? Please help me!!!!

Dear Confused,
I've never heard of a guy who is incarcerated that didn't want to work things out with the girl on the outside. Men and women in jail need something to hold on or going through the daily monotony of jail would be worse then it already is. While I can't say for sure whether or not his feelings are truly based in love or desperation, the point here is that he is incarcerated. You are not. And you have a boyfriend on the outside who cares for you and who you care about as well.

Common sense says to go with what is real right now. Throwing away your current relationship because of how you felt for an ex once upon a time is probably not the smartest thing to do. Also - if he was the love of your life, why are you with the current guy? Why aren't you two still together? Troubles before he was locked up that you have forgotten about? OR because he was locked up. Remember what those reasons were, and make a decision that is smart but that also is fair to your boyfriend. Do not string him along if you really aren't into him.

Torn And Confused

2009-04-26T17:05:00.004-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,
I am 23 years old and have recently developed feelings for my best friend who just turned 18. I know this sounds terrible, but he has been one of my best friends for the past 3 years and in the past year we have become even closer. He is more mature than most guys MY age and he is so sweet, funny, caring, loyal and talented. I never expected this would happen and never thought I would fall in love with him but it just happened. We write songs together and have traveled together with our band several times and I love the connection we have. He is amazing. But he is so young. I don't know what to do... Part of me feels absolutely insane for even letting myself get to this place in my heart, and the other part can see us being incredible together, regardless of age. Should I just drop it and try to move on? Or wait a few years and see if something could actually work? Please help.

Torn and Confused
Mansfield TX

Dear Torn and Confused,

Your relationship would make a lot more sense if your best friend was older. I honestly don't think for the most part that any 17 just turned 18 year old person knows the weight of the decisions that they make. If you both made the decision to be together now, I think that one of you would probably get hurt, and that person may be you. As your friend ages, he may want to explore and be with different people as people his age usually do - and you may get tragically hurt.

Now while I'm not saying that this would definitely be a mistake -- I would say to move with caution. If you can date other people and wait this relationship out a couple of years (say when he is 21) then do that. For now, be what you have always been, really close friends who enjoy each other and can count on each other without all of that "romantic noise" in the way:-)

Why Does He Stare At Me?

2009-03-23T12:23:00.003-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,
I have a little problem and I need advice. I'm going to high school and there this guy in my class and he's the smartest guy in the class. He talks and fools around with girls. He starting to stare at me. This weird thing started to happen 10 days ago. Once I was in my classroom and he entered to class and he stared at me. Next day, I was in the hallway and he stared at me two times. Another day my teacher was teaching us something and he stared at me again. He stares at me every day. He stares at me a lot. It really bothers me. I don't like him. I feel creepy and scared because I think he's going hurt me or something. Why does he stare at me? Should I talk with my teacher about this? Thanks so much!

Dear High School Girl,
I think what may be going on is that this really smart guy really also wants to be socially popular and it also sounds like that he may be attracted especially to you. Of course if the attention is making you uncomfortable then you need to address it. Remember that what he is doing is not against the law - so you have to try and handle this the best you can so that you can have a normal school day. So the first thing I would do is make sure that he knows that you know what he is doing and that you aren't afraid of him.

So I would first ask him point blank why he is staring at you. Do not be confrontational, but curious. Do not ask him in front of a lot of people where it may embarrass him, but perhaps outside or in the hallway on the side. Sometimes just the knowledge that you are aware of his staring may be enough for him to stop. He may be more aware of what he is doing when he is around you.

Now in addition to this, an adult needs to know what is going on as well because your instincts are telling you that something is not right about his staring. I always listen to my "gut" and you should too. So tell your parents and perhaps a teacher or counselor you trust at school. While the cannot stop him from staring at you, they can keep an eye on him and make sure he isn't being inappropriate in any other way with you or any other girls.

Finally - it could be possible that this guy just wants to be your friend and doesn't know how to approach you. It sounds like that you do not know him at all - but that you just know he is smart and playful with girls. Perhaps talking to him a bit and getting to know him could be the answer to all of this.

Got The Feeling That He's Cheating

2009-03-18T19:53:00.002-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,
I've been seeing someone for 5 years and I've always had this sinking feeling he cheats on me (not answering phone, found girl's number in his pocket, found him writing dirty emails to ex etc...) Anyway, the latest is he's taking Viagra apparently when I'm not around. I counted how many pills he had before he went out of town and then one was missing when he came back. I don't know what to do. Help.
Crystal

Dear Crystal,
You know what you to do, you just don't want to do it. He is exhibiting many classic signs of infidelity but more than that, you're instincts are telling you what is going on. Trust it. If you have had this feeling for five years, what does that tell you?

While I understand that you feel that you don't have any definitive evidence of him cheating and you don't want to be called the paranoid girlfriend -- I think you have the right to make decisions about you build a life with based on educated opinion. Sometimes you don't need a brick to fall right on your head to know what you have to do.

Let me say this...imagine if you walked in on him tonight. What would you say? How would you feel? What would you do? Would you work things out? Would you leave him? If you think this relationship is worth fighting for - then fight for it. If you are exhausted and you feel that you deserve better - then get out. The choice is yours and you don't need another year to go by before you take action either way.

Met A Man Going Through A Separation

2009-03-17T02:17:00.004-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,
I met a man that is going through a seperation. He has 2 girls (11 & 8 years). He had an affair on her but greatly regrets it. It has been 2 years since they have been apart and I am the first woman he has been with. When we met it moved very quickly and had an incredible time together. He then disappeared as he said it moved so fast that it confused him and that he is feeling lost. 1 month later he called saying that he missed me so much. We spent a day together and even though it was amazing, I could see sadness in his eyes as they are trying to work things out regarding the selling of property, children etc.

I guess my question, being that I have not been through it, is what he is feeling, what is represented by the word "lost". I have advised him that at this time I will be his friend and help him get through the sadness but I need to understand it. Can you help?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
The man you are dealing with is "lost" because he is losing his family which is a huge change in his life, on top of the fact that he is the one who caused it. Of course there were problems in his marriage already, but it doesn't negate the fact that his affair caused the end of his marriage. It sounds like he has realized after the fact (as most cheaters do), just how much devastation he has created for himself, his wife, and his children. His life up to this point has been all about his family, regardless of the affair. So he has to now get to know who he is without being "the husband". Even when a divorce is the best course of action, it is still difficult and confusing and there is a period of mourning - because it is the end of a life together with one particular woman.

Now this man clearly has feelings for you, but he is conflicted about them. I think that sitting back and allowing him to go through his separation on his own as a spectator or if you must as "a friend" is the best thing to do. Do NOT further a romance with this man at this point. He isn't ready.

My Husband Talks To Ex-Wife Too Much!

2009-02-26T10:50:00.002-05:00

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 1/2 years. He has been married and divorced. We have had a great relationship, but of course it has had its ups and downs. Last evening we got into an argument about the fact that he still talks to his ex wife quite regularly (typically on a weekly basis). He tells me I have nothing to worry about...and that she just calls him to tell him whats going on in her life. It bothers me that he still keeps in contact with her so much. We have discussed it in the past. Every time he basically just tells me that "I need to get over it because they had been in a 10 year relationship and he cant just cut off all ties." I don't know how to handle it...because it creates SO many emotions inside me. I am hurt, confused and upset by the fact that he thinks I'm acting so insecure about the whole issue. Am I wrong in getting upset about how much they talk? If so, how can I get over it?

Thank You,
Confused and Hurt,
Phoenix, AZ

Dear Confused & Hurt,

This is a very legitimate concern of yours and not because you are insecure, but because it is a little unrealistic for a woman to think that an ex-wife cannot be a threat. She can-- but only if your boyfriend allows her to be so. I think the bigger question though is whether or not you believe that your boyfriend is over his wife; and that answer can be complicated based on how the marriage ended. They clearly had a deep friendship and on some level she may still depend on him emotionally so it didn't end badly -- which may mean that one of them may have some unresolved feelings for the other.

Of course this could all be that they are better friends than marriage partners, and since they were married, he is one of her closest friends. She relies on him much like you would rely on one of your girlfriends. So essentially there is not problem there unless you want to be the center of his universe -- which of course we both know is not realistic.

I think that the bottom line in your situation is that your boyfriend like most men is turned off by insecurity, and you giving him ultimatums will ultimately sabotage what seems to be a great relationship between you two. So give this thing some time to play out. Allow him to have his friendship with his ex, but of course with boundaries. I would also try to meet the ex-wife or at least have a general or generic conversation with her to start building your own rapport with her. If she is going to be in his life, just like any other friend, I would want to get to know her and she to know you. This may help you by gaining more information about who she is and her intentions, while creating a relationship between the two of you that would make it more difficult for her to violate with your boyfriend.

Finally, if what is going on between the two of them starts to look and feel like a "relationship" rather than a "friendship" then it's time to put your foot down whether your boyfriend wants to hear it or not. I just don't think that it is at that point at this time.

Will This Long Distance Relationship Work?

2009-02-14T23:52:00.004-05:00

Dear GirlShrink,
I am smitten with a boy that lives over 2000 miles away. This boy asked me to be his girlfriend last year. The only problem was that I had just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a guy. While I liked him I had to say no because my heart and mind wouldn't be in it. Up until a month ago I had shuddered at the mere thought of a relationship. About 2 weeks ago this boy came back to visit for a week and seeing him at the airport made me realize just how much I like him. We have talked about it and know how much we like one another. My problem is what are we to do with him being 2000 miles away, us going to different colleges, and rarely seeing one another. I don't know where to go with this. What are we to each other and what should we do?

Dear Smitten,
I think that you should look at this as a sign that you maybe "ready" to take a chance on another relationship again. And that's great! While it may not be this particular relationship due to distance, it's good to know that you have found someone interesting and perhaps trustworthy enough to try again. I think that getting into a "real" relationship with this guy at this point may not be a good idea because long distance relationships can end very badly, and are very hard to maintain. Both people need to be in a really strong place. I'm not sure if you can say that that is where you are right now. But stay in touch. A long distance flirtation with this guy will do a lot to help you heal and move on.

He Won't Say That He Loves Me

2009-02-10T07:55:00.004-05:00

Hi Girlshrink,
I have been seeing a guy for about a month. He approached me in a pub one night & was very eager. He charmed me that night although he is not my usual type & I didn't even notice him until he approached me. We both agree that we are an excellent match. We have so much fun together & amazing sex. He also loves my family. We have agreed to keep seeing each other & not to see other people. I can feel the relationship strengthening every time we see each other. The problem is that I am an extremely emotional person & I fall in love very quickly. I feel like I am already in love with him. He says that he really really likes me but he s not in love with me yet because it always takes him a long time to fall in love & he didn't want to say he was in love yet because he didn't want to hurt me. I don't understand this. I feel like I know that I'm in love straight away so I suggested that we end it because if he is worried that he might hurt me it might be because I like him more than he likes me & so there's no point going on with it. When I
suggested this he became quite angry & sad. He said this was because he loves spending time with me & he just wants things to keep going the way they are & he doesn't want it to end. I don't know what to do as I'm worried the longer I leave it the worse I will get hurt. We have agreed not to talk or see each other for 2 days (my idea). Do you think I should stop sleeping with him for a while or something?
Thanks.
Afraid.

Dear Afraid,
You remind me of a friend of mine. You just sabotaged a great relationship because of the possibility of getting hurt by someone who has been completely honest with you. BIG mistake. And let me correct you here and now. You do not fall in love easily. You attach yourself emotionally to people (or just men) easily. You need something and you are looking for it from your relationships, and then these feelings probably intensify when you are sexually intimate with them. That is your issue, not his.

Secondly, most people in a relationship are often in two different places in that relationship. It is very common for one person to have stronger feelings than the other in the beginning and that is not something you can force. Nor is it something that should be abandoned just because you both aren't in the same place right now. To put this in the simplest of terms, RELAX. Enjoy what sounds like a great relationship and a great guy. When he is ready to say that he loves you - he will. Until then just enjoy the relationship and stop looking for words to define your relationship when actions actually speak much more loudly.

The Ex-Girlfriend Is Getting In The Way

2009-02-09T21:18:00.003-05:00

Dear GirlShrink,
I've been going out with my boyfriend for about 6 months. We both feel connected when we are by each other, we forget about everything andeveryone. We have gotten in MANY arguements. And for some old reason theyall involve his ex girlfriend. He tells me that he loves me and I believe him.but when you least expect it she gets in our way. His ex girlfriend and I talk. But when it comes to talking about him she can't tell me what she really thinks or feels to my face she always has to send someone else or in a letter telling me to break up with him,because she still likes him. I consider her my friend but when she tells me that I get so mad. She even knows that he doesn't like her anymore. I don't want to break up with him because my heart tells me he is my everything.and he might move so I want to pass my whole time with him! What should I do or tell her?? Please help me Girlshrink I need your help.
-Gigglex

Dear Gigglex,
The first mistake you have made is either going out with a friend's ex-boyfriend OR befriending the ex-girlfriend of your boyfriend. Either way -- it spells trouble. These triangular situations rarely work out.

Stop talking to the girlfriend. If she calls, do not return the calls. If she comes over, talk for five minutes then tell her that you have to do something. Slowly and gracefully walk out of her life. It is only complicating matters.

Now if she is your friend and has been forever, and you dated her ex, then I kind of want to say that you need to back off from him. She told you that she still has feelings for him, and it's kind of slimy that you dated him in the first place. A little sloppy second-ish. And since he is moving away anyway -- all the more reason to just let him go and salvage your relationship with her.

Is He Interested In Me?

2009-01-18T00:43:00.002-05:00

Dear GirlShrink,
I need your advice. There is this guy in my school and I think he's really cute. I'm really attracted by from him. A few days ago I saw him in the hallway and he stared at me two times. I was so happy that he noticed for the first time. Does this mean he's interested on me or something else?
Thanks

Dear Anonymous,
He either absolutely noticed you and is interested in you OR he saw you staring at him and was wondering "Hey, why is the girl staring at me all crazy?" :-) No - I think it's the first thing. He is interested or he probably wouldn't have given you any eye contact. Next thing to try is to smile and speak the next time you catch him looking. He may be wondering the same thing about you -- if you are interested. Guys don't want to be rejected just like us gals. So smiling and speaking is giving him the "okay" to talk to you.

My Mother-In-Law Is Ruining My Marriage

2009-01-03T23:12:00.004-05:00

Dear GirlShrink,
I have been with my husband for 15 years. We both had previous relationships with kids from our prior relationships.I had 2 now(20&16)he had 1(16) and we have 1 (14)together. Both of us knew each others spouse. We had been good friends since we were kids. My husband's first wife passed away when their child was one year old. At the time that this happened my now husband was incarcerated and his then wife had developed a drug problem that contributed to her death.I split with my children's dad the same year.Six months later me and my now husband started a relationship and have been together ever since. The first year I had become pregnant. My husband had some guilt issue over the first wife and left me,to go back to prison after a night out
drinking and talking with his sister who was the first wife's best friend, who also felt that he should be ashamed of himself.By the way, this sister was actually setting up my husband's first wife with her boyfriend's buddies while her brother was in jail.

Anyway.....After he was incarcerated he swore to me he was drunk and was sorry and bla bla bla. I believed him, had my baby, and patched things up when he came home almost a year later. He has not been in trouble since, has a good job and for the most part has been good.

My problem is my mother-in-law. She claims to have a special relationship with the first wife. Which is also bull, she used to torture her too.She kept all of her personal items such as pictures etc.The day I came home from the hospital from having the baby she asked me to bring him over so my husband's family could see him.When I got there she had spread pictures of my husband and his first wife all over the kitchen table like a big mural.Pics of the delivery room when they had their baby,happy occasions etc.I got the hint.....after the visit I had decided that was it, this woman has issues, and I wanted to keep myself and my kids away from her.I ignored her phone calls until I couldn't any longer.I told her that I felt like she was
intentionally trying to hurt me and make me feel foolish.She went on to say things like,"honey you dont have to be jealous over a dead girl" and stupid stuff like that.I have learned to keep a safe distance from her and shrug off most of her trouble making bull.

I hate Christmas because every year she takes my husband's son from the first wife and has a full blown christmas at her house.The son who calls me mom and celebrates christmas eve with my side of the family and lives with us.Every year since he was 2 she has taught him to go house to house with his hand out at xmas.Usually on xmas eve after celebrating with my side of the family,my father-in-law will drive out and
pick him up and my step-son will be gone for a week or two spending the holiday with them.Except this year I said no,they can have him christmas day, we get christmas eve and he isn't going to throw down the presents from my side of the family and jump in grampa's car.

I get very little back up from my husband. I literally have to throw a full blown fit.The other problem I'm having is my step son asked his grandma for pictures of his biological mom and her wedding ring(my mother-in-law also wore that for 2 years after
the death of the first wife).She finally did give up the things he asked for,but also included intimate pictures of my husband with his first wife too.Such as them in bed together,her in her underwear,etc..I feel like I have been living in the shadows of my husband and his dead wife.I feel that my husband is a big sissy when it comes to his mother and I blame him for letting her manipulate our household.I almost think he likes it.The other 3 kids have had to share every aspect of their lives their mom,uncles,grandparents,christmas, pretty much everything while my stepson is king.I wind up seeming like the jealous second wife....My husband says that I make myself miserable and seems to think that this is acceptable.I'm ready to leave and get a divorce.I would greatly appreciate an outside opinion.
Wendy
Romoland, Ca

Dear Wendy,
Whew! That is a lot going on in your family but actually not that much different than what is going on in thousands of blended families all over the world. The bottom line is that your mother-in-law feels threatened by you and probably did with the first wife as well -- and is trying to use some sort of emotional bullying to keep you at bay. Unfortunately, it has worked. You are feeling the way she wants you to feel. And she gets a sense of "control" for having inflicted that type of pain. The first thing you need to do is change the way you react to her. This could mean a lot of different things depending on what she pulls next - but I'll give you an example.

When you walked in and saw all those old pictures, you should of reacted in a manner that she would not have understood such as, "Oh, are these pictures of xxx and xxx? Nice. Did you just find these? Oh - I could put them in a scrapbook along with the hospital pics of the other kids. That would be nice right?" She would not have expected such a response from you and it does not allow her the satisfaction of seeing you "sweat".

Secondly, you are right on how you need to have a tough conversation with your husband. He should have found that whole display ridiculous and disrespectful -- and should have shut that whole thing down. The fact that he didn't speaks volumes. He sounds like he is either afraid of his mother or finds his mother amusing. Either way -- it's no good for your relationship.

I hear your frustration, because you should be. My biggest question his how did you allow this to go on this long? The fact that you have has put you in a tough position, because the saying is so very true -- that we teach people how to treat us. And you have taught everyone in that dysfunctional family that it is okay to disrespect you and your children you aren't biologically theirs.

BUT having said all of that -- the question really is all about you. How badly do you want your marriage to work? Will your husband get on board? Would you both consider counseling? Are you prepared to ask for what you need from him? Or have you basically checked out of this marriage because this has gone on so long. And you are looking for validation from someone (like me:-) to finally walk away?

In my opinion, you can avoid this woman. You can simply choose not to deal with her on any level. And your husband just has to deal with it. I honestly think most of your anger is directed at him and not his mother. You are steaming mad because of his indifference. And if he won't recognize his part in this, or would even consider talking about the possibility in counseling, then I think your choices are limited. And living separately from him may be the answer.

I'm Not Ready To Say I Love You

2008-12-23T22:43:00.002-05:00

Dear Girlshrink,
I've been in a relationship for about 2 months now with a really nice girl,but we have nothing in common and I don't think I love her. She tells me she loves me and I don't know how to respond. How do I tell her without breaking her heart?
Fred

Dear Fred,
It can happen, but rarely does -- falling in love in two months I mean. You shouldn't feel guilty that you cannot give this young lady the same response. Because it wouldn't be honest. And it wouldn't be fair. And it wouldn't make sense at this point. You two are simply dating. Enjoying each other's company - etc. I must say that if you two are young, and you have been sexually intimate, this girl probably said that she loves you because we girls tend to feel very deeply about a man after we have slept with them. But that doesn't mean it truly is love.

But I understand your predicament. She has said it. It's out there. And you don't know what to say in response. So I think unfortunately you are going to have to "the talk" if she says it one more time. Tell her that you really like her and have enjoyed spending time together so far -- but that you aren't where she is right now. Assure her that you want to still see her and only her (if that is the case), but that you just aren't ready to say those words yet. If she can't handle that sort of truth from you, then things may have not worked out with her in the long run. She just may be a little too immature to handle a mature and "real" relationship.

My Wife Is Too Fat

2008-12-02T11:56:00.002-05:00

Dear GirlShrink,
My wife is just too fat for me. When I met her she was really one burger away from being too big for me, but I really liked her personality. I mean I love her. She's fun. Or she use to be. But the bigger she gets - the more of a homebody she's become. And she don't want to have sex as much. She just isn't the same person. We've been married for 2 years and we're both 24.
Stuck Like Chuck

Dear Stuck Like Chuck,
I'm sure there are women cringing all over the world who have just read this letter. I am not negating your honesty in this matter, but I think that you are missing a little sensitivity in this issue. You fell in love with who the person your wife is inside. At least that is what you said in your letter. You didn't just want a trophy wife did you? While I understand that one needs to be attracted to someone to have a fulfilling sexual relationship - there are also other things to consider.

Your wife may be gaining weight for a lot of reasons. Did you just have a child? Is she under any stress at work or home? Do you think she is depressed for some reason? Are you stressing her out by talking about her weight (which by the way only makes most women eat all the more!) Has marriage been a huge adjustment for the both of you? Did she move away from family when you two married?

Think about the reason(s) why your wife may be gaining weight, and address those issues instead of focusing on the weight. Lift your wife up. Compliment her. Encourage her. Let her know she is loved no matter what. Make healthy eating choices for yourself and perhaps she will follow your lead. Get out and take a walk with your wife. Or bike riding. And more sex! Sex is a good calorie burner.

Remember that this marriage is not all about you. It is a partnership. So log off your computer today and go be a partner to your wife, and I bet things will turn around for the better!

My Girlfriend Is Not Attractive To Me Anymore

2008-11-14T21:47:00.005-05:00

Dear Girlshrink,
I don't know what happened, but I think I haven't been attracted to my girl for at least a year. Maybe more. I love her. And she is not ugly. But I don't desire her any longer. There were things about her (like her thighs) that I kind of overlooked in the beginning but now they are really obvious to me. I don't want to have sex with her but how long can I put it off? I'm going to have to break up with her but I feel guilty about doing it. Maybe a woman like you can tell me what to say to her.
Javier,
New York City

Dear Javier,
Has it ever occurred to you that the reason why you are not attracted to your girlfriend anymore has something to do with you and not her? It's very easy to assume that the reason why you are not sexually active with your partner is because she has suddenly become unattractive to you. And while it's true that many of us (both men and women) can let ourselves go when we are in long-term relationships -- that doesn't sound like the case her. At least you didn't mention anything about that.

It sounds like she is the same woman you fell in love with -- but perhaps you are the one who has done the changing. And there could be reasons for that...

1. Depending on your age, you could be suffering from a low libido

2. You may be bored with the type of sex you are having

3. You may be angry at her for something that you haven't talked about today

4. You may have subconsciously allowed her to become a "mother" figure in your life instead of a lover. This is very common.

5. There are things going on outside of the bedroom that are turning you off

6. You may have put her on a pedestal in the beginning of the relationship, but since realized she is a regular human being.

And I could go on and on. But those are some things for you to at least take a look at before you write off the entire relationship. If you find that there are no underlying circumstances and that you just can't be with her any longer -- then the only way out is to stand up and tell her the truth. The truth being that the relationship is over for you. And say this -- in the most kind and loving way that a friend would.

Much Success!

In High School And In Love

2008-10-02T11:17:00.003-04:00

Dear Readers,

Today I'm flipping the script and asking you a question! Can you find true love in high school or is everyone so immature that true love cannot be found and/or sustained at that age?

Think back (if you can remember!) Were you in love with someone in high school? Or were you in Disney™ Love?

My Boyfriend Is Not Smart Enough

2008-08-27T16:06:00.003-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,

Am I a snob? My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for two months. I like him a lot. We're not young. And this is the first relationship I've been in since my divorce. We have a problem having conversations though. I mean a lot of things that he says are not intelligent. I like CNN. And he likes those Japanese cartoons. It embarrasses me when we are in front of my family and friends. I don't want people to think that I have started dating beneath me. But I'm not ready to dump him over this. What do I do?

Joan, Chatanooga, TN.

Dear Joan,
Well you are being a little bit snobbish. Or may I say particular. And honestly I don't see anything wrong with that if you are going to live by your own snobbish rules. If you rather date men who can talk politics and not embarrass you in front of friends and family - then that's who you should choose. But to choose someone who doesn't possess those qualities, and then "bash" him for it, is not the smartest decision made by YOU. Live by your standards. Don't go beyond those standards and then ask someone what should you do? Does that make sense?

While I hear that you haven't been in a relationship for a long time -- and see that this is why you probably have made a decision to enter into a relationship with this man -- you will either have to let this man go and wait until you meet someone who you have more in common with. OR...

You can decide that you can change what you normally go for, not hold it against him, and enjoy the relationship for what it is. The only person's opinion that matters right now is yours. If you see something wonderful about this man - who cares what others think. Even if he slips up in front of company.

Ask yourself what is more important. Companionship or Family Wide Approval? Let me know how it turns out!

-GirlShrink

I Don't Trust My Boyfriend and My Best Friend Together

2008-06-29T19:12:00.003-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,
I'm not sure if I'm a little crazy, but I don't trust my boyfriend and my best friend around each other. I mean I have read all the women's magazine articles and stuff about not trusting women around your men -- because it's so hard out here for everyone. But I spend so much time with both of them, that I sometimes our time together overlaps. Especially because my friend is not in a relationship right now. And I think that she may be attracted to my boyfriend -- because we both kind of saw him at the same time. But it was me that he approached. I don't know, I don't want to hurt her. What should I do?
Karen,
Alabama

Dear Karen,
Trust your instincts. But don't get ridiculous about it. You may want to be selective about how you spend your time with each person. When you are with your boyfriend - let it be just time with him - or let it be a "group" event. Threesomes rarely work. You don't have to tell anyone - anything about how you feel. Just maneuver it that you spend time with each one separately. It could be that you are spending a LOT of time with your new boyfriend and your best friend feels like this is the only time she can get in with you -- with the three of you together.

It could be that she is a little envious of your relationship, because she isn't in one. But that's normal. And while she may be attracted to your boyfriend -- doesn't mean she'll act on it. Or that he will for that matter.

Just make choices that make sense. Don't go overboard either way on this. And things should go fine.

I'm Pregnant And I Don't Know Who The Father Is!

2008-06-05T14:02:00.002-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,
This may sound a little bit skanky -- but it really could happen to anyone. I am dating a great guy and have been for about 3 months. While that it isn't really such a long time, we have really connected. But my ex found out and came to visit me about 7 weeks ago, trying to convince me that he had changed and that he knew stuff about the new guy that I needed to know.

He ended up telling me something that the guy already told me, so I wasn't surprised, but I was in love with him once -- so I slept with him. He just seemed to serious about wanting me back - I was kind of flattered.

He still wants me back. Calls me everyday. But I am still dating the new guy. Bottom line here is that I'm pregnant and I slept with both of them within days of each other. I don't know who the father is. If it's my ex's - I don't want it. It would only escalate our issues. If it's the new guy's...maybe. Also - just to add I'm 27 and I have a great job. I could take care of the baby by myself. I just want the right dad.
Tonya,
Louisiana

Dear Tonya,
Yes, this could possibly happen to anyone - and has a million times - or there wouldn't be talk shows who stay on television by taking paternity tests! So I hear you. But of course -- I must ask why you didn't have enough forethought to use protection when having sex. Especially when you are having sex with multiple partners. Especially when you are not in a committed relationship with either of them right now. One is out the door and one just got invited in!

Please use protection! Now having said that, the fact that you don't want your ex's baby is irrelevant at this point if you don't plan on having an abortion. Because at this point you have a 50/50 chance of that being the case.

What you need to think about at this point - is NOT the father. And think about the mother. Do you want this baby? Even if it is Ronald Mcdonald's Kid! Can you step up and take the full-time responsibility of being a mother. It sounds like you can. And so that's what you need to worry about. The father is going to be whoever it is. And you when you find that out, you just need to make sure that you work hard to include him in your child's life. Regardless of who he is. Regardless of whether or not you are together with him. Regardless of whether or not he gets on your nerves. As long as your safety is not an issue -- either man has the right and morally has the duty to be in your child's life.

I think the other issue here is that you think once you tell the new guy about what happened that he won't be interested in you anymore...or that he'll be very angry...and that could happen. But you know what -- you can't worry about that now. Get the hard part over with now and tell both of them - so that you're not hurting someone much worse once the baby is already born. It's a hard pill to swallow, because they may not be there for your during your pregnancy. They may be angry OR it could be that they both fight for you that much harder. Who knows. Just tell the truth now so you can have a stress-free pregnancy and get that weight off of your shoulder.

My Husband Has Herpes--Help!

2008-05-20T20:39:00.003-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,
My husband has had herpes for a few years now. He got it in his previous relationship and when he told me, I was so in love with him that I didn't care. I told him that it was fine. Now that I'm married to him -- and time has passed, I don't want to perform oral sex. I don't want to do anything---risky. He thinks I'm just getting boring, but I think I resent the fact that he has this disease. I feel dirty. I don't want to get it. What should I say to him?
Dalia
Connecticut

Dear Dalia,
I'm sure you have already thought it, but I need to say it, you never really dealt with your husband's situation. And now you are actually processing it - a few years too late! The truth is that 1 out of 4 women has herpes and 1 out of 5 Americans has herpes. Your husband is not alone out there. Truth is - even if you hadn't stuck it out with him and met someone else, he may have had it too. It's much more common then you think because 80% of infected people don't even know they have it.

Try to think of your husband having chicken pox (which is what herpes is) in his genital area on occasion. He is not dirty. He just became a statistic. And he is still the man you fell in love with. Beyond the std, he is still who were madly in love with and you need to remember that.

Another thing you should consider is talking with your husband about this. Also, it probably would make some sense to talk to your gynecologist about this as well. Get some suggestions about how you can still enjoy sex safely with your husband. The talk may also give you a bit more peace of mind about it as well.

Sure you may be slow on processing this...but it's not the end of the world. Remember who you are married to. Remember why you fell in love. And keep communicating. You will find your way through this.

Choosing Your Job Or Your Spouse

2008-04-29T12:45:00.002-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,
My husband wants me to quit a job I've had as a medical assistant for about 2 years because he didn't like that my boss made me come into work when my husband had surgery last month. My husband could not really take care of himself the first few days and needed my help, but my boss said no. So I went to work. Now I like my job. And we need the money. But I don't want to ruin my marriage. What should I do - pick my job or my husband?
C.E., Los Angeles, CA

Dear Friend,
Unfortunately, many of us have jobs with management who could care less about our personal circumstances at home. Or they can't afford to care because then everyone would need the day off in the name of a personal situation. While I understand how your husband felt abandoned, I don't think that he had really realistic expectations of what you could or could not do at your job. And honestly, in these economic times - a job is something that you need to hold onto. Especially one you like. No - I would not quit the job. And I would tell your husband that he needs to change his expectations and realize that most workplaces are not that accommodating to personal requests. Finally - if the situation ever arises again - I would try to schedule elective surgeries around holiday breaks or if it was an emergency - I would try to elicit the help of a family member or friend.

My Mother-In-Law Is Crazy!

2008-04-07T16:43:00.002-04:00

Dear GirlShrink,
I am recently engaged and love my fiance, but his mother is ridiculously looney-tunes! She calls me in the middle of the night to talk about nothing. She spends tons of money that she doesn't have. All with my fiance's credit. She interferes in every decision that we make after we have made it. She wants to be a part of everything that we do but in a very non-productive way. Like - she isn't helping. I don't know. I've been thinking about postponing the wedding because of her. But I don't want to hurt my fiance. Any advice?
Shelia NewKirk

Dear Shelia,
You don't need to postpone your wedding. Because waiting 6 months to see what can be done about your future mother-in-law is not the solution. What you are going to have to do is decide WITH your fiance just how involved she is going to be in your lives period. Can he make decisions without even mentioning things to her? Can he ignore the calls etc. How will he feel if you choose to ignore her calls and erratic behavior. Because if she is simply an attention seeker - then ignoring her is the best remedy. But if there is something more wrong with her such as depression, manic disorder, or bipolar depression -- then your fiance may want to take some course of action.

The bottom line here though is that you two need to tackle this issue together and not be afraid to hurt each others feelings. This is someone you will have to deal with in your lives for quite a long time. So it's best that you both are on the same page on how you are going to handle it.

I have found that a really good husband will respect your feelings and try to be the "buffer" between you two. It is his responsibility to deal with the "crazy relations" just as it is your responsibility to deal with yours. (Hey, everybody has 'em!)

My Boyfriend Yells At My Kids

2008-02-23T23:32:00.002-05:00

Dear GirlShrink,
I feel a little silly for writing this, but now that I am doing it. I'll just write it. I have two kids by another man but am in a new relationship. I really like this guy. We have been dating for about a year and he has been really nice to me. But it makes me uncomfortable sometimes when he tries to discipline my kids (5, 9). He doesn't spank them, but he does yell at them. I think they are a little scared. I think he just has a short patience level. I don't want to upset him by saying something to him. I just try to keep them busy when he comes over. My girlfriends say that I shouldn't let him yell at them but its not that easy. I don't want to mess things up with him. Help please?
Indira

Dear Indira,
I think the reason you were a little hesitant to write to me about this is because you already know what I am going to say. And you already know what the right thing to do is. Your children should be your #1 priority. They should be who you protect. If this new man in their lives has little patience for them, yells at them, frightens them -- then I think you know who needs protection. And who is expendable. It sounds like you might have been alone or on your own for a while and you really crave the intimacy of a relationship - but this isn't the one. You have to find the right fit not only for you, but for your children as well. You are a package deal. I have seen many a child emotional scarred by mothers who chose not being alone over their children. Don't do it. This IS your most important job.