As I create a space inside for listening to you,
I begin to listen to myself in a different way.

As I relax into becoming your companion listener,
I learn to trust my own unfolding journey.

As I witness and honor your gentle unfolding,
I gain compassion for my own wounded parts.

As I better understand the uniquities of your anxious, fearful “not-wantings”,
I discover how to be with those that dwell deep within me.

Alone together,
We glimpse the unity of our mutual wantings,
Together alone.

It had been one of those weeks.  I simply couldn’t muster up the energy to greet the work I had wanted and planned to do – let alone face the small mountain of tasks that sat persistently awaiting my attention.

 On the one hand, I had LOTS of logical reasons for my lingering ennui.  And loads of sympathetic friends who urged me to “give yourself a break, ‘Mar’—you’ve been through a lot this past month.”  Yet, as good as all the logic and sympathy sounded, I still felt stuck [and certainly not likin’ much the feel and sounds of THAT place!] and unable to move forward.   

A welcome Focusing partnership time offered me an opportunity to “be with” this experience in a different way.  That is, instead of thinking or affirming my way out, I chose to pause and attend to that place that Gene Gendlin describes as the “there where”  I usually feel things.  I could then invite a sense of “what all of this stuckness” felt like.  And then, allow myself to be present with the as-yet-unclear sense of all of that.  All the while trusting that I would be in that place deep within me from where new steps forward could eventually come.

What follows below is the story of my Focusing process that day.    

My first sense is of struggling to move forward (can’t even describe it as walking) through what appears to be knee-deep, dark, thick muck.  With both legs stuck in the muck, my upper body feels especially out-of-balance.  Ah, yes – that resonates somewhat with how I’ve been feeling this week.  And yet, I know there’s probably something more – and I’m curious about what it might be.

With a great tugging effort, I manage to pull one leg upward out of the muck, that brings a distinctive “sucking-up” sound that somewhat resembles an upward-pitched “ch…l…uhrrrrr…p…s”. 

 With one leg free of the muck, it’s even harder to keep my balance.  Then, as I move my free leg forward a few inches to re-enter the muck, the “sucking-down” sensation and sound is present, yet harder to describe.  As I start to describe it as something like the opposite of the previous sound “sh…..p…..rrrr…..” I’m suddenly interrupted by a shift in my perceived experiencing. 

Oh, it’s not ALL muck after all.  The muck appears only ankle deep now, with cool, water that’s becoming clearer as the muck settles and feels refreshing against my lower legs. 

Ah, and a memory comes of a shallow river in which I love to relax and be with friends.  And since, in this scenario, there is “no chair” on which to sit, I choose to sit straight down in the muck. 

It feels ok to be here with it.  It’s cool and refreshing.  Perhaps it will let me understand it better.

Suddenly, I feel-hear a soundless voice that catches my attention, as if with an urgent message – and find myself responding, “Oh, yes, excuse me – you’re telling me you’re MUD, not muck!”

And then a gleeful something inside that offers a playful-serious reminder:  “You know, some folks pay good money at health spas for mud-baths!”

And somehow, right now, it feels really good to just sit here, resting, curiously and playfully in the mud and the water.

Oh! – this playfulness is interrupted with a “suddenly-serious-knowing” alert – “I OWN this mud and I’m the one who makes it into the something-serious-about-it-muck-that keeps-me-stuck-and-off-balance. The mud itself is playful, cool and comfortable…..and also rich and fertile.”

As I reflect that back to the mud in which I sit, the mud affirms:  “Ah yes.  Thanks for hearing that!” 

So, I sit playfully in the mud, noticing how much I’m enjoying how the thick wet substance that oozes through my wriggling toes.

And, oh – what’s this?  I notice something solid and with substance there between my toes.  Not sure what it is yet, but there’s a “knowing” that it might be some kind of buried toy or treasure that my toes have unearthed from beneath the surface of the mud.

Oops—it’s time to go for now.  I leave this space with gratitude – for both my body’s wisdom and its process, as well as for my Focusing Companion and her sweet listening and reflections.  I know I can (and want) to come back again to this place inside – for whatever new something is there for me to discover and be with.  And, for now, I’ll also carry the image of a playful mudbath in my heart and mind as I go through the rest of my day and week.

You might be wondering whether anything changed as a result of this Focusing session.  So, here’s a little Focusing-oriented addendum/postscript to the story above: 

The morning after this Focusing session occurred, I noticed that I was still carrying some residual ennui-stuckness from earlier in the week. 

I paused for a moment to invite a fresh sense of the playful mudbath image.  To my surprise, I was greeted by something inside of me that calmly, quietly and resolutely informed me that “I just don’t feel like having to get cleaned up again today, so please give me a break and don’t expect me to get all muddy again today.”

Yet, I’ve also become aware of a respectful sort of rhythmic dance between a gentle forward motion and serendipitous arrivals of new opportunities—that somehow seem designed as invitations for me to play in the mud.

I’ve chosen to share this story with you to help give you a flavor of the kinds of wondrous gifts that can emerge from within a process of Focusing.  However, it’s important to remember that no Focusing session is ever the same, and that each Focuser’s own process and stories reflect their individual uniqueness. 

And yet, each process (whether my own or a partner’s) always feels a bit “magical” – even though  Focusing is actually a skill that each of us already possesses (to one degree or another).  Far too often, it’s a skill that we’ve forgotten we have, let alone remember how to best utilize it to help us carry our lives forward.

Would you like to experience a Focusing journey of your own?  I’ve provided a couple of options for you at the ASK ME House website:

• Guided Focusing Exercise – Here you’ll find mp3 recordings and transcriptions (pdf) for several generic types of situations. 
• Guided Focusing Session – In a 1-to-1 session, I will gently (and unobtrusively) guide you through your own Focusing process. 

Who knows what you’ll experience and insights you’ll gain?

[printable pdf]

One of the things I love about Michael Licenblat is his emphasis on becoming more “resilient to pressure and expanding your capacity, instead of trying to reduce your stress.”

In his blog post, Faster than the Speed of Sound, he reminds us that–just as lightning “travels” faster than thunder in a storm–within stressful situations, our emotions often travel faster than our logic.  He goes on to offer  three wonderful suggestions that can help us to build our resilience (“bounceback”) capacity.

Over the past few years, I have also come to appreciate the ability of Inner Relationship Focusing to further enhance my own resilience capacity.  Learning to Focus has helped me to pause, notice and listen to my body-mind spirit in a whole, new way, thereby freeing the life-forward energy that often gets gridlocked by stress.

And, as I continue to nurture a Focusing-oriented approach to my own life and work, I find myself continually amazed at how this simple-yet-elegant process manages to enhance and deepen every other process within my own wellbeing toolkit.

Would you like to give it a try? 

I’ve created several Guided Focusing Exercises that will let you get a taste of the Focusing process.

I’d love to hear about your experiences.

An ASK ME poem for the ASK ME House.  I came across this poem in a book and thought you might like to see it since your house shares its title.  I hope you enjoy it and/or find it meaningful.

Ask Me by William Stafford

Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden; and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that hold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

To:  ASK ME House (1027 Seymour)
Fr:  Anonymous (at least for now)
On this 27^th of October, 2006

Several years later, I still have not learned the identity of the person who left me this precious gift–the first in a series of annual “love notes” to the house that have been arriving every October 27.   [It took me a couple of years to actually note the connection between October 27 and the house's street address of "1027".   And, it wasn't until 2009 that there was any personal reference to me by name--where previously the sender had also noted that s/he "didn't even know who lived in the house."]

Each annual packet of goodies has included some reference to “ASK ME” – and yet I remain most intrigued by how accurate a glimpse the poem offers into the overall philosophy and foundations of what “ASK ME House” is truly all about……

I am filled daily with peace through this gentle reminder of the process by which I choose to live, with gratitude for having discovered the work of William Stafford, and with awe for the enigma of how the introduction took place.

Now–if I could just solve the mystery of who “Anonymous” is….!

How often have you found yourself saying:   “I need to change”?   It doesn’t matter whether the change involves eating right, exercising more, earning more money, etc. 

Our hearts tell us that we really want our lives to work better.  We start out—time after time, resolved to “do better” this time around. 

At first, all goes well. At least until our head joins in, apparently determined to keep us from changing.   The repertoire of critical voices inside our head often includes “My life isn’t right,” “I know I’m the problem”  and/or “I’m always standing in my own way.”

Then, the tug of war begins in earnest.  The longing of the heart battles the worried, critical voices of the head–each side bound and determined to get its own way.

Our response at this point, tends to include one (or even both) of the following:

• We concentrate our efforts on what we DO want.  We’ll set intentions, create a dream board, recite affirmations.   But the Law of Attraction can go only so far.  Even the most carefully designed plan is still bound to meet some resistance along the way.
• Attempting a logical response, we then try to understand the part inside that doesn’t want to change.  We attempt to reason with the critical part, or even defend against the voices that tell us we’re doomed to fail even before we start.  Unfortunately, all we get from all this effort is lots of inner judgment, blame and shame.

My mentor,  Ann Weiser Cornell likes to say,  “What we don’t realize is that the very way we are speaking about the problem is standing in the way of solving it…..That saying ‘how can I get myself to change?’ is sort of like trying to move a rug while standing on it!”

What might happen if, for a moment, we started with the source of the unease we’re feeling–the part that doesn’t want to change?   A great start would be to shift that initial statement to something like this:  “I want to change, but I don’t.”  [Or “I want (or need) to eat better, exercise more, earn more money, etc.”]  This at least recognizes that there are two sides to the issue. 

Notice, for a moment, how it feels to express it this way :  “I want to ____, but I don’t.”   Better, perhaps, yet it still sounds a bit judgmental doesn’t it?  It’s so easy for us to dip back up into our head, with its critical perspective.

Now, let’s see what might happen if we add just one little word:  “something.”  As in, “Something in me wants to change and something doesn’t.”  Ah, so there are two parts–a part that wants to and a part that doesn’t want to.   Now there’s even more space around that stuck place inside.  It’s not “just” me – it’s not who I am.    

Taking that even one step further, we might say:  “I’m sensing something in me that’s feeling frustrated and yearning for change.  It sees another part of me as the problem, and is trying to get it to change.”

Can you feel how that adds even more space?  And maybe even room for a little curiosity to bubble through–especially about that second part that doesn’t want to change.

Now we’re acknowledging that the not-wanting part might be as valid as the part that does want to change.  After all, it probably has its own very good reason for being the way that it is.  We don’t have to become best buddies with it.   However, we can at least respectfully allow it to speak, be heard and understood.  

And then–instead of seeing the not-wanting as an enemy to be eliminated–perhaps we could see it instead as a gift of life-forward energy just waiting for us to quietly and curiously unwrap it?  Could there really be a fragile space of wanting hidden beneath the critical judging thoughts and worried, anxious feelings?

In this way, we’re no longer trying to get ourselves to change.  Instead, we’re standing in a relationship of compassionate curiosity toward each of these parts. 

Here’s an exercise you can try out for yourself. 

First, complete the following sentence by filling in the blank with something in your own life you wish to change:

 Something in me wants to ________________, AND, something in me doesn’t.

Take a moment to notice how that feels inside.

Then, if you’d like to experience the next step in the process, I’ve recorded a brief (12 minutes long) guided exercise that’s available for you to download.

Once you’ve listened to the recording, notice how it feels.  Is it different than when you started the exercise?  [I welcome your feedback - either in the comments below or via email]

And, if you’re still feeling a bit “stuck,” you might want to schedule a “live” Guided Focusing Session that’s designed especially for you (and your unique journey).

what it wants.

The mind knows

what it knows.

The spirit suffers

what it suffers.

Until I

–in Presence–

gently  sit–

As compassionate witness

inviting

felt thoughts,

held longings,

and struggles to be heard.

In time,

we rise as one,

unfolding the journey forward.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *    *    *    *    *    *    *

• Are you struggling with a situation in your life? 
• Needing to make a decision and/or feeling stuck? 
• Experiencing strong emotions that feel overwhelming at times? 

I invite you to learn more about Inner Relationship Focusing and how it can help you find a compassionate way forward.

[printable pdf version]

No crimes to report

Thursday, November 6, 2008.  The email message was rather brief: “No crimes to report for Wednesday 11-5.” Each weekday, my local police department sends out a Daily Crime Report via email, detailing such things as “aggravated assault,” “property damage,” “larceny,” “B&E”, and so forth.

“How interesting,” I thought, and found myself pondering whether there was any meaning to be found in the apparent non-occurrence of violence. Was it mere coincidence that no crime occurred the day following Obama’s election?

Would you like a story with that happening?

As the days unfold, life continues to happen-around us and to us. Much of the time, we do not even pay attention. Every once in awhile, something begins to reach for our awareness and grab our attention, pressing our inner “pause” buttons. For example, one day we might stop to notice something beautiful in nature. We might take a deep breath of acknowledgement and gratitude and then simply continue with our day (albeit with an extra smile in our heart).

At other times, we hold on to that something, so that we can carry it with us. Most often, we do this by giving it a story. So now, we have something to play repeatedly in our head.

What happens when we become stuck in our own stories – in the drama of our lives? As we continue to collect and hold on to our stories, the load gets heavier and it becomes harder for us to move forward.

Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with a good story. Rather, it is helpful for us to consider the net effect of each story we create. Does our story help us take a step forward into living, or does it hold us back within a quagmire of emotional stuckness?

Which way forward?

There are varieties of creative methods to help us change negative stories into more helpful, positive stories. I invite you to follow along as I share a few examples:

Re-script the scene

Many years ago, my late husband, Alex flat-out disagreed with a choice that I had made. His response to my announcement was an emphatic “I cannot support this.” The more I replayed that scene in my head, I found myself feeling more frustrated and angry with both Alex and myself, as well as unable to move forward in the direction I had chosen.

However, I took the opportunity to re-script the scene to include some additional verbiage from Alex. To his terse statement of “I cannot support this”, I added the following dialogue: “…..right now, based on my current understanding of the situation. I love you and am afraid that you will get hurt. Maybe, over time, I can feel more confident and be able to give you more support.”

This new script helped free me from my own negative emotional response, as it allowed me to move forward slowly in the direction I knew I needed to go. This process also provided a compassionate space of understanding between Alex and me, which then offered him an opportunity to observe and grow more comfortable with the situation.

Call it what it is

I had been finding myself increasingly uncomfortable whenever I heard someone use the phrase, “You need to get out of your comfort zone.” Somehow, adding a layer of guilt for my supposed laziness did not seem to encourage me to spring into action-especially if it entailed the certainty of more discomfort.

Yet, when I examined my image of “comfort zone,” I discovered that within this context, it more closely resembles a “fear zone” in which I become imprisoned. Allowing myself to simply acknowledge and name the current fear-along with my stated goal-is often enough to help me step outside the zone of fear.

Reframe the story

Recently, a friend reported that she was experiencing a “fear of success” that threatened to keep her from doing what she needed to help grow her business. She made a decision to acknowledge and befriend her sense of fear within a spirit of caring, compassionate curiosity.

The next morning, she excitingly shared that what she had previously defined as fear, had begun to shift. Instead, she had awoken with a sense of a growing “readiness to learn” the next new thing that awaited her.

Deciding how much to believe of our stories

In 1824, in “Tales of a Traveler,” Washington Irving confessed, “I am always at a loss to know how much to believe of my own stories.” Sometimes, as in the case of the curious non-crime report, the veracity of any specific cause-effect story would be hard to prove, so it obviously would not be the type of story to proclaim as absolute truth.

On the other hand, if any of my own personal stories helps to propel me forward into positive action (especially if I do not require anyone else to accept or approve it), then I am willing to welcome the creative opportunity into my life.

Image Credits (unless otherwise noted, all on Flickr (cc) Some Rights Reserved) :

1.        Oh Happy Day by Mary Elaine Kiener (cc)  Some Rights Reserved

2.        Rewritten Sign by The Loopweaver

3.        Reframing by AmyMo

You’ve just encountered a moment from hell.  You were going along fine, when suddenly life tripped you up.  It might have been a hurtful email from someone you thought was a friend.  Perhaps you lost a longtime customer or client to a business colleague whose motives you now question.  Or someone else questioned your own actions or motives.

Your first (and hopefully, brief) reaction to any of the above situations might be one of shock, with a pinch of anger or hurt (perhaps both!):  “How could he do that?”, “What’s wrong with her?”, or “Why me?”

Now what?

If you were to act from within this stress-filled mindset, chances are you would end up making the situation worse.  The more you stay focused on the negatives or on assigning blame, the more your actions and communication will then focus toward you becoming the winner and the other person the loser.  Then, your brief moment in hell expands to a day, or longer.

It’s easy to talk our talk.  And, it might even be easy to walk the talk when the going is smooth.  But what happens when the going gets rough?  Are there some strategies that can help us not only better understand our talk, but also make the walking easier?

Expand our awareness

When we are under duress, our perceptions often become narrowly focused on our own survival.  This is natural (our brains are actually hard-wired that way), and is especially important in matters of life and death.  However, the more we allow an adrenaline-fueled mindset to direct our thoughts and our actions, we become less aware of ourselves and less willing to explore alternative behaviors.

One way to expand our awareness is through the use of the Johari Window (1), a communication model initially developed by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham.  Using the analogy of a quarterpane window, each pane of the window describes 1 of 4 different levels of self-awareness:

1.    Open Area:  Things I and others know about me
2.    Blind Spot:  Things I don’t know, but others do know about me
3.    Hidden Area:  Things I know, but others don’t know about me
4.    Unknown:  Things that neither I nor others know about me

In a close-minded person, the “open area” quadrant is often rather constricted, with tightly held boundaries.  Through the careful give-and-take of self-disclosure and requesting feedback , it is possible to enlarge one’s open area, which then serves to decrease the size and influence of one or more of the other three areas.  As a person gains self-knowledge and self-esteem, this process also promotes the development of transparency and trust within his relationships with co-workers, family and friends.

Choose your response

With the Choice Map (2), Dr. Marilee Goldberg Adams offers a useful option.  Instead of reacting from within our “Judger Self”, she invites us to respond from within our “Learner Self.”  This approach allows us to make thoughtful choices that are solution-focused and provide for win-win relationships.

Talk less, listen more

Within this model, questions such as “Whose fault is it?” or “How can I prove I’m right?” shift to questions such as “What do I want?”, “What can I learn?” and “What’s the best thing to do?”  As a person’s reactive, inflexible and judgmental mindset becomes more thoughtful, flexible and accepting, her mood transitions from pessimism, stress and limitations to optimism, hope and possibilities.  Over time, relationships are able to grow and flourish within an atmosphere of respect and trust.

Becoming the change

Gandhi is well known for his admonition:  “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  I have adopted it as a cornerstone for both my business’  philosophy and how I choose to live my life.

Every day seems to gift me another unanticipated challenge to learn how to walk my talk–which is certainly easier said than done.

It helps if I can see each challenge as a well-timed opportunity rather than as a distressing burden.  It also helps to know that this is a learned skill, especially given our physiological tendency to self-protect when under stress.

Through the use of learning-oriented questions to increase both my levels of self-awareness and understanding of others, I can practice acting in harmony with my deepest values and beliefs.

**************************************

Footnotes:

1. For an interactive Johari Window exercise, go to: http://kevan.org/johari.cgi
2. Adapted from Goldberg, M. (1998).   The Art of the Question. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons.

[printable-PDF-version]

You may freely share and/or reprint in other electronic or print publications, provided you include the following attribution:

ASK ME House article © 2008 Mary Elaine Kiener, RN, PhD, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. Does your body manage stress well? Find out at:  http://stresswell.com/saliva-ph-test/

Please also send me a courtesy note with a copy of the publication.

Start Your Engine

Day 1 of a 14-day car trip by myself:  A beautiful day, filled with clear skies, warm sun and an open road.  It was a perfect day for a drive through the countryside.

I had a destination to reach the following day.  But, for a day, I was totally on my own—free to explore a bit of the lovely countryside that patiently waited.

Alone with my thoughts, I was suddenly tempted by the promise of a scenic by-way.  As I chose the new road, my peaceful reverie was suddenly intercepted by a woman’s voice, quietly announcing:  “Calculating route.”

Ah, yes, I’d almost forgotten about my new travel companion—my recently purchased GPS (Global Positioning System).  Inspired by her brand name (Magellan) and feminine voice, it had seemed only natural to name her “Maggie.”

“Such a pleasant change,” I thought, as I recalled car trips with my late husband, during times when I was driving.  Whenever I would choose to stray from a route that he had expected me to take, he would often respond with a startled and impatient “Why did you turn there?” or “Where are you going now?”  Followed by either raised voices or stony silence, with an unhealthy dose of blame or shame and hurt feelings thrown in for good measure.

As the days of my journey with Maggie unfolded, I found that—just as she helped me navigate a 2000 mile car trip—she emerged as a kind of metaphor for my inner wisdom as I navigate my personal life journey.  With a growing sense of curiosity, I explored various ways I might listen to myself that were nestled within my experience with Maggie as a travel companion.

A still, small voice

Once Maggie knew our destination, she became like the still, small voice of wisdom inside of each of us—our inner compass.  As I neared a turn or an exit, she would always give me gentle spoken reminders, ending with a little chime as I would arrive at the designated exit.  Often, especially when on the freeway, she would even let me know that I should “stay on the current road.”

Reminder to self: How often do I check in with myself—my inner wisdom?  Do I remember to listen to my “felt sense”—that bodily sense of knowing that I can always trust to keep me on my right path?  How often do I ignore that little voice inside of me?  How often do I wait until it has to practically shout at me before I stop and pay attention?

Maintaining focus

As Maggie started to work, her opening screen would include a reminder to keep my eyes on the road and pay attention to my driving.  Brief check-ins with the screen images were ok, but my focus needed to be in the task at hand:  driving safely from here to there.

Reminder to self: In my daily life, where is my focus?  Am I paying attention to the present moment, or am I lost in thoughts and feelings from past events?  Am I so bogged down with could’s, should’s and ought’s that I miss the beauty and perfection that surrounds me?  When I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed–not sure of where to turn–do I stop at least long enough to breathe?  Do I remember to check in with myself and get my bearings before barreling ahead?

The inner critic

Once I had programmed the desired destination, Maggie offered several alternative settings (i.e., fastest time, shortest distance, most use of freeways or least use of freeways) before creating the recommended route.  Whenever I happened to deviate from the route she had provided, Maggie always maintained her equanimity, with never an emotional outburst replacing her ever-present, even-tempered response, “Calculating route.”

Reminder to self: That inner critic that often resides inside my brain, is NOT part of my inner wisdom.  I can acknowledge the fear that tends to underlie my mind’s self-protective settings that manifest as blame, shame, snarky and snotty.  And then switch to my preferred channel of self-talk.

A long leash of serendipity

A few times, I evidently chose one too many scenic detours from the established route.   However, Maggie declined to pout or offer any snide comments.  Instead, in a sort of resigned puzzlement, she quietly invited me to “Say a command,” as her screen offered several options for me to clarify my needs.  Once she was reassured of my final destination, she was content to let me continue to explore various byways.  Blessedly, she also kept track of my time commitment, so that I could easily arrive at my destination on time.

Reminder to self: The more I can honor my creative urges, while respecting necessary deadlines, the less stressful my life will become.  Knowing my inherent level of curiosity and my propensity for immersing myself within an exploratory journey of learning, how can I consistently anticipate and include that exploration time into my scheduling process?

Tuning out the world

On several occasions during the trip, I knew exactly where I was and how to get to where I was going.  I was self-assured and confident, my direction was clear.  At times, I simply ignored the quiet commands as they occurred (especially easy if the radio or a CD was playing).  Once or twice, I actually turned Maggie off, with gratitude for both her willingness to assist, but also for the renewed silence in the car.

Reminder to self: Sometimes the chatter from the outside world distracts me from my values and goals.  Am I able to separate myself from the distractions that surround me?  Am I able to make a well-reasoned decision and move forward toward desired action steps with confidence and without need for outside support and acclamation?  And am I willing to bless myself with occasional silence?  Do I schedule opportunities to withdraw from the busy push-tug world around me (e.g., by turning off email and cell-phone)?

A personal GPS unit

For all her recognized benefits, Maggie could never quite measure up to being my ideal travel companion and conversationalist.  She’s a bit too matter-of-fact, with no ability for idle chit-chat.  And she seems to have no sense of humor.  While I loved her non-judgmental approach, I did miss the opportunity for compassionate and empathetic dialogue.

Interestingly, during the middle of my two week journey, I participated in a Focusing Institute Summer School.  During 6 full days, along with about 70 other wonder-full souls, I learned to listen to my “felt sense,” which Ann Weiser Cornell  describes as “a body sensation that has meaning.”

As a result, I returned from my travels with a second fully-functioning personal GPS system.  In this case, GPS could mean “grounded power source,”  “gut-perfect sensations,” or even “grounded presence, subtlely.”  This newly tuned device resides deep within my body wisdom, ever ready to compassionately keep me on track.  As long as I’m willing and ready to listen.

*******************

You may freely share and/or reprint in other electronic or print publications, provided you include the following attribution:

ASK ME House article © 2008 Mary Elaine Kiener, RN, PhD, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. Does your body manage stress well? Find out at:  http://stresswell.com/saliva-ph-test/

Please also send me a courtesy note with a copy of the publication.

You’re working on a project that has a looming deadline. You started with lots of enthusiasm. You made some progress, but then crunch time arrives. You find yourself swirling amidst a torrent of conflicting ideas as your forward motion comes to a stop. Your mind goes numb. You can’t breathe. And the clock keeps ticking, louder and louder.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.

Conventional wisdom would have you believe that better time management skills could provide a simple cure to deadline paralysis. Maybe that’s too simplistic a view.

Projects (especially those with deadlines) do include a time variable. But they also include another variable: energy. And successful energy management skills are just as important to your productivity as time management skills.

So what’s a body to do?

Here’s one way to think about it. You’re canoeing downstream, with plans to meet with friends at a designated place and time. Suddenly, you see yourself approaching a logjam that interferes with the river’s downward flow. As the water meets the logjam, pressure begins to build up, resulting in a more turbulent flow of water. You recall hearing about other canoeists who have been injured and even drowned in this part of the river.

No doubt you’re wondering (and worrying!) whether or not you’ll ever reach your destination. And whether or not you’ll get there on time. But, I’ll bet that you also might be considering whether you’ll still be in one piece when (or, even if) you finally get there.

How many logs make a jam?

First, take a breath and simply notice the logjam that blocks your progress. Recognize it. Acknowledge it. No need to sugar coat it, but don’t run away from it, either. No blame, no shame. Just, “hmmm, isn’t this interesting.”

Back up (and gain some perspective).

 Second, refocus your attention. Take a moment to double-check that you are in a fairly “safe” place along the river. (We don’t want you capsizing in that whirlpool right up against the logjam, after all!)

Now, pull back on your focus a bit until you can see both your destination and the logjam that currently blocks your progress. Check in with your breathing and your body for signals that you might need to alter your plans as you respond to the following questions:

• What is your ultimate goal?

• What do you really want to accomplish?

• What are you responsible for, and to whom?

• Given your projected timeline and current energy levels, is your original goal still desirable and feasible?

• Can you renegotiate the project outcomes and/or deadlines?

As you resolve these questions, listen for your heart and mind to give you the “all clear” signal to move ahead.

Getting from here to there

Third, invite your creative side to come out and play. It’s a time when you can explore (from both a time and energy perspective) your options for moving forward. You might remember something that worked well in a previous experience. Or you can discover new ways of thinking and learning about the current situation.

Using the example of a logjam, you have several productive alternatives:

• Use a snag boat. This is a special type of steam boat that literally breaks through the log jam and then lifts the logs into the boat where they can be chopped into smaller pieces. Try chopping your project down into small, doable pieces.
• Raise the water level in the river. An increased supply of water can provide enough momentum to float the logjam loose. Take each of those small steps you just identified, one at a time, and you will soon find your way clear and your energy and momentum restored. It’s the increased flow of activity and energy that can make the difference.
• Find a different route. Energy will always seek a path of least resistance. That is, the easiest route. It may sometimes mean lifting the canoe out of the water to portage downstream along the bank, past the logjam, before resuming your downstream journey.
  • Is there an easier (or less-labor intensive) way to get your project done?
  • Is there anyone who can help with some of those bits and pieces you identified earlier?
• Find and remove the key log. Often, there is a single log that holds the logjam together. It’s also sometimes called the kingpin. Once you identify and remove that specific log, the blockage disappears and the entire logjam falls apart. In your case, the key log might be a limiting belief that blocks your way forward, such as “it has to be perfect.” Granting yourself permission for “good enough” instead of “perfect” might be all you need to resume your progress at full speed.

From “what now?” to “now, what?”

Logjams are a normal part of life on the river. Getting past them can sometimes leave you behind schedule as well as drained of energy and enthusiasm.

Getting back into perspective within your body, mind and spirit can help you to clarify your overall goal in light of your present situation. This clarity then offers a path of least resistance in which your creative energy can again flow forward.As a result, your downstream journey can be much more rewarding than if you had blindly reacted to your initial panic and fear when faced with the logjam. And you’ll successfully finish your project with time and energy to spare.

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You may freely share and/or reprint in other electronic or print publications, provided you include the following attribution:

“ASK ME House, LLC article © 2008 Mary Elaine Kiener, RN, PhD, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. Does your body manage stress well? Find out at:  http://stresswell.com/saliva-ph-test/“

Please also send me a courtesy note with a copy of the publication.