So here’s the deal:

In my country there is a rock music group that was kind of famous like 6 years
ago, now they don’t release any albums and there were fights with the vocalist,
etc.

One night they were singing reunited in a club, I was there front line, long
story short I fucked the vocalist.

That night I met the piano guy and then he and me continued to talk and
eventually we fucked. this has been happening since November. Every time we fuck
we talk and we have gotten to know each other we go to the same clubs and have a
hello/hello public relationship, because almost everyone in this city knows
everyone, and everyone knows I fucked the vocalist, at least in our social
circle which includes the pianist sister who happens to see me as a whore, and
she has all the reason btw. The vocalist is no problem we only did it that one
time and he lives in another city, and I really like the pianist, I have stopped
talking to him (we always chat on fb) and i wanna ask him out on a date, but I
don’t know it’s complicated because i think that me fucking his partner is gonna
make him not give it a chance. I don’t know what to do and I see your advice are
great, pls help!!!

I’m generally a very positive person and would have to say that if you want something then you’ll definitely be able to achieve it. Based on your twitter photo, I could see that you’re an attractive girl and the fact that you slept with his band mate should generally not have much impact on the pianist’s decision to date you. I don’t know how close you have gotten with the pianist over the past couple of months but I am sure he likes spending time with you and notices that you have taken a liking to him as well. And if what you and the vocalist shared was a one night stand then it can probably just be waved off as a drunken night which you barely remember anyways.

To Date or Not to Date… It Ain’t Rocket Science

The problem that I think may arise is that the pianist might view you as just another girl who is interested in him because he’s a musician and nothing more. This isn’t to say that he doesn’t like the attention, but he may think that you’re more of a groupie than a girl who is genuinely interested in a relationship with him. It really depends on what sort of person he is and if he is able to be open-minded and not constantly bring up the fact that you shagged his band mate.

The best way for you to approach this situation is to take a risk and call him for a lunch date, but not necessarily end it with sex. Girls are clever when it comes to making up reasons why they can’t have sex — menstruation comes to mind. This will make him wonder why you would ask him out to lunch when there is not sex involved and it will give him a direct hint that you’re not just interested in sex with him but might be luring him in into developing something more. The fact that the vocalist lives in another city only benefits you because that way there is no chance of you guys bumping into each other and lessening chances of many people spreading any gossip in your circles just so it would end up in the vocalist’s ear.

Allure

You mentioned that the band had fights with the vocalist and it may be that the pianist himself isn’t the that good of friends with him at this point, so this is another point you must use to your advantage. If they don’t talk much then there isn’t much for you to worry about. After asking the guy on a lunch date, message him again the next day and see what he’s up to and if he still sounds like he’s into you. Main thing is to keep a balance between how much you message/call him and how much he contacts you in return. The worst would be to overdo it and get annoying, so know your limit but don’t be afraid to lure him with your good looks and charm. Find out the qualities that he does like about you and play on that knowledge. I honestly don’t think you have much to worry about or should feel insecure about him wanting to date you. As long as you don’t keep bringing up many of your past relationships or the guys you’ve slept with in conversation, things should go smoothly. Also, when you do chat with him, try to find out various things that he likes and once you become closer (after a few dates), surprise him with something new like a small gift or even a special text that he wasn’t expecting and reassure him that you’re caring as well as spontaneous and that will bring him to feel even closer to you.

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Hi Robby,

I love the way you give advice when I wrote you about my love problem in the
past (Pursued by a Married Man). Everything you said was an eye opener.

I am confused again this time with a new guy. He was someone I met
more than 4 years ago. We went out on a date, had dinner then he took me to the
movies. During the dinner, he was really ok to speak with and acted like a real
gentleman but when we went inside the movies, he kissed and touched me everywhere.
The kiss was so passionate and good that I allowed him to kiss me more and there
were some touching and so on but that was it. He invited me for a second date
and this time, right after the date, we had sex. Afterwards, he hinted on
wanting to see me again, and I said yes but when I went home, I felt sad,
because it was the first time I did it with a guy who was not my bf. And mostly,
I felt attracted to him yet I can see he only wanted to get laid with me. When
he asked me out for the third time, I decided not to respond, deleted his number
and removed his messenger ID from my list. And as I lost touch with him for 4
years although during those time span, I would randomly receive offline messages
from him every once in a while. I had not been able to log on to my messenger
for quite a long time, so I was able to move on from him and forget about what I
felt for him. And because I was so ashamed that I gave in to a stranger, I was
hoping he won’t see me again.

Just last December 31st, eve of new year, I was able to get online to keep in
touch with my sister until I got an IM from a guy. I still recognized his ID
though, and yes he was the guy I hooked-up 4 yrs back so I decided that I would
pretend to have forgotten him. He gave me a video call and I answered it. He
smiled while he was trying to introduced himself again to me and since I told
him I don’t remember anymore, he told me about what we did during our
dates back then. I felt stupid telling him I don’t remember so I just
said “yeah I remember you”–and
there–we were able to sort of..pick up things where we left of.
We spoke for 5 hours trying to reconnect whatever was disconnected between us.
After he found out that I’m still single, he offered me a real
relationship saying “will you be my girlfriend” I told him that
if I am to be in a relationship at this point, I don’t want playing
games and I don’t want to be involved with a taken/married guy. He
assured me that he’s not in a relationship nor married so, finally on January
1st 2012, I said yes and we’re already a couple. By the way he’s assigned
to Africa because of his work so we decided to keep in touch online. When
I’m at work, we do it through emails/IM and during week-ends, we video
chat through Skype.
During our first week as a couple, everything was ok despite the distance. But
somehow, something’s bothering me but I just can’t tell
directly. All I understood was that his plans when he comes back only revolve
around what are we going to do in bed. He keeps on talking about sex. He would
keep on telling me how I managed to stay beautiful and sexy and that we will do
a lot of stuff in bed. At first, I tried to understand him that he’s
just lonely and he is hungry of some intimacy (he doesn’t have any
chance to go out with girls in Africa because he’s doesn’t feel
secure). What’s bothering me more is that he keeps on telling me to get
naked or at least expose some of my body parts while we are doing video chat. 1
time, I obliged. But after that, I firmly said no. I explained to him my reasons
and then he would ask me to at least wear something sexy. Sometimes I do that
but most of the time I don’t. He said that he’s serious about
his relationship with me. I want to believe but I’m scared. Sometimes,
he would tell me about his plans in having a family with me but when he starts
asking me to get naked while we video chat, it makes me worried. He is sweet and
I can feel that he’s sincere but sometimes I doubt him.

Do you think this kind of guy is really serious about our relationship?

From your description, he sounds like a very decent guy who is serious about your relationship and is very comfortable with everything you two share. I’ll be honest, when I read that you deleted his number and his email from your messenger account just because you slept with him while he wasn’t your boyfriend, I found it extremely odd. There are times that two people sleep with each other before making it official, and when they see they are compatible, they continue dating and that gradually evolves into a relationship. He must have been very confused as to why you deleted him, because he clearly still felt something for you. Now that you have reemerged into his life, he feels like those feelings he had for you have returned.

Now that he is in Africa, it is only natural that he would ask you to dress sexy or put on a virtual show for him, because he is in fact lonely there. It is quite early into your relationship so it is very unfortunate that he had to leave on business already, but at least he is trying to be faithful and as open with you as possible. Also, being sexual over Skype is another way for him to let you know that there isn’t anything for you to worry about concerning him being faithful to you. If he would not have asked you to dress sexual or given you compliments about you looking good, you may have questions about whether or not he is seeing anyone else over there.

The main problem with your relationship is that you two have not yet learned all there is about each other and do not know all of your likes/dislikes. There might be somethings that he may feel are appropriate when it comes to your relationship which you may not feel is okay when you have only been with each other for a few weeks. He does seem like a committed guy who you can develop a relationship with. You have to give him a chance, however, and not drive him away by thinking unapprovingly of him from the start without having any concrete reason to why. You have left him in the dark once without giving him any reason as to why, so try not to make the same mistake again. Be open with him but do not do anything against your own will. Basically, try to see things from his perspective and you will see that he probably just really misses you and wants to have your relationship grow into something very meaningful.

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Hi Robby,
I need boy input here! My question is: as a guy who is in a f/buddy relationship
with a girl who has obvious feelings for the guy, would you ever say “i
love you” in a playful way (like in a joke or backhanded way) or do guys
avoid any non-serious use of the L word like the plague? I would have thought
the latter, but an FB of mine really surprised me by uttering the L word (in a
backhanded way). I’m trying to figure out if that’s all it was — a bizarre
backhanded comment that slipped out at the height of passion, or if it could be
a shred of an indication that this guy may have some love bug going on…

The story: I’m a girl in an open relationship. I’ve had fun with lots of sex
friends without getting emotionally attached. BUT there is one guy that I got
stuck on… he was in a messy break-up when we first met, and he knew all about
my open relationship thing.

Something about us clicked and a strong attraction grew between us that was
different to anyone else, and for the first time, I had feelings for an FB.
Overall though, he was often reserved, elusive and distant, he was hot and cold,
sometimes rude, and played games throughout our 10-month affair, sending mixed
messages. He always avoided any “I really like you” kind of
comments or anything that would pin down his feelings. I was always honest,
direct and open about things, and I know he took advantage of this. Anyway, in
the end I moved abroad and our desire for each other was still strong but my
feelings were mixed; I liked him, but I was hurt, due to his
reserved/hot-cold ways. We kept in touch for 2 years without seeing each other
(even though I tried to break it off a few times) and then we had the chance to
meet again (he is now not so happily married to the gf of the messy breakup).

We had a fantastic, passionate meeting, during which he kept exclaiming how he
loved this and that about my body (he likes a bit of dirty talk). Then he said
“I love you and your sexy [body part].” I didn’t know
what to say! I was shocked that he would utter any kind of I love you, no matter
how backhanded, dirty or bizarre.

Isn’t this something any FB should avoid saying??? I was the one with
the feelings but I would never have said “I love you” to him in
any situation, be it serious/jokey/dirty talk.

Thoughts??

During sex, a man is liable to say many things that pass the sphere of logic due to the level of high arousal. It doesn’t mean that he was completely lying, it just means that he tried to put into words what he was physically feeling at the time, and an “I love you and your [body part]” could have been the best way for him to express himself. You mention that he was quite conservative in the past about showing his feelings and he made sure that there were no confusions between the open relationship and anything more formal. So I would bet on it that he said what he did just out of the passion of the moment and would not put much weight on his words.

Now, concerning your question whether men fear the L word like the plague or if they joke around with it at times. Well, all men are different and to some an “I love you” isn’t as meaningful as to someone else, but for the most part a man does watch what he says and keeps the L word reserved for someone special, or at least for someone he thinks to be special. Then again, as I mentioned, at a time of passion, a woman should not take everything a man says at face value.

Also, an “I Love you” can be said to someone out of appreciation. I know it’s not the case here, but I want to illustrate that sometimes the L word does get thrown around without any real meaning. For instance, if a girl found my keys for me, I could say something like “Oh thanks, I love you, I’ve been looking everywhere for them.” She could be a complete stranger, but I’d still use the L word. She would obviously understand that I don’t actually love her, but am showing appreciation. What I want to say by that is that everything, including the L word, has to be viewed relative to the way the man is saying it. So unless you sense the authenticity, then there is no need to think otherwise. If an “I love you” slips out then you have to make a judgement call of whether you think he meant it or didn’t. But for the most part, especially if it is said during a night of passion, then it’s nothing worth dwelling over for too long.

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