Ask Robby G

Be that “Something Extra” in His Life

Robby G — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 03:42:20 +0000

Hi Robby, I am in quite a confused state with how to handle the situation I
am in with a guy I have been seeing.
We had met months ago through a dating site and for reasons unknown to me he
just disappeared on me. I re-connected with him by email because I am the
type of girl who doesn’t like to leave things unsaid or unfinished. I put it
out there that I was willing to be friends and let bygones be bygones for
him disappearing on me. We met. And well, the friends thing didn’t
happen. It was like no time had passed. We agreed to start dating again and
this time started sleeping together. We hadn’t before because just about
when I had decided that I was ready to take it to that level he went and
disappeared on me.
Since we have started dating again we only communicate through texting and
at one point there was so much mis-communication between us that we were
spinning wheels about something – an argument of sorts. I got so fed up that
I ended up texting him that we should go for coffee or something to talk
because we were spinning wheels not solving anything through text and to let
me know when was good for him and I wasn’t going to text him until he
agreed to this. He texted back sometime later asking me why I was being so
quiet (as I had broken communication with him after the text I sent). I
re-sent the msg about meeting. Well, he put walls up and said “Forget it.
It’s not going to work” and “I keep expecting something extra from you
and I am still waiting”. He won’t explain what he means by something
extra when I ask. Maybe I am just not getting something he is trying to tell
me…but I can’t be that dense, can I?
Anyway, it has been three weeks since I have laid eyes on him…He doesn’t
seem so inclined to see me, but when I text him he responds which is
something because I half expect him to disappear on me.
I am not sure where his head is at let alone what he means by expecting
“something extra.” I am not sure if he is worth all this trouble, but I
don’t not want the opportunity to find out. Can you give me some feedback
on how to approach this and what he means by expecting “something extra”
from me? Thanks!!

Something Extra

I’m pretty sure that by “something extra” he meant a girl that is more level headed and cool about things. The problem isn’t necessarily with you not being able to ‘get’ him but in the fact that there is severe mis-communication between you two. You are trying to approach this with a little seriousness and formality which is fine, and basically trying to make things work, while he on the other hand does not seem to care too much whether it works out or not between you. “Something extra” also means that you aren’t doing anything that makes you stand out from other women. With that I mean that he is probably saying that you may be trying a little too hard. Guys often times love the chase a lot, and if the girl is the one trying to make things work more than the man then it gives him the idea that she is somewhat desperate. I am not implying that you are desperate, but the fact that you are giving him the satisfaction of being the one to initialize the texting conversation or you are the one to call him to set up a time to meet, makes him feel like you are coming on too strong.

Toss in the Bait

In my opinion, the best thing for you to do at this time is to play a one step forward, two steps back sort of game with him. It is of course upto you to decide whether or not you are wasting time on this guy, but if you want to try and lure him in and have him think that you do have that something extra, then you must entice him and take him for a little bit of a ride. Wait a few days and if you haven’t received a text, then send him a casual text asking how he’s doing. He will respond, then take upto thirty minutes to respond back to him. Try to get him to prolong the conversation and be the one to ask questions. Do not mention meeting up, just be as friendly as possible without any hint at wanting to see or date him. Also, make sure not to start any drama, and if he says something that makes you feel like an argument, laugh it off and send a wink with a cute comeback. Make sure to let him be the last one to send the text when the conversation is coming to an end. Then wait a few more days before texting him again and repeat the process. If he asks you to go out then tell him you have plans that day but maybe next time. If he’s the first to initiate the text conversation then give him short, direct answers. This way you are alowing the contact to remain, but you take two steps back by not really pushing at anything more than what seems to be a friendship. Make him confused about whether you like him as a boyfriend or just as a friend now. When you go out with him, act friendly and at the same time flirty, but try to restrain from anything sexual. Whatever you do try to restrain from any form of argument and take it real easy. Men love women who seem muh more level headed and content than them. I think that my post on the 10 things I look for in a girlfriend may help you out as well to see what a lot of men like in their woman.

My Boyfriend is Always Busy

Robby G — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 04:32:43 +0000

Hi, okay so hopefully you can help me out with this.. I can sort of relate with the past stories I’ve read here, but here’s the thing with me.. my ex-boyfriend is my fuck buddy. We only went out for like a month, but ever since we broke up we’ve still been seeing each other and we broke up like 4 years ago now…but it took us two years to start having sex. So it’s been two years that we’ve been fuck buddies.. and I’m confused to the max! because when we’re together, it’s like we’re still boyfriend/girlfriend but without the title. And there has been situations when he does get jealous if he finds out other guys want to start seeing me or have a thing for me… he never says anything… he just stays quiet and doesn’t really say much. And when we do have sex, it’s not just like we have sex and he leaves. Sometimes he does, but most of the times he stays and cuddles with me and it’s only been one time that he did sleep over, but that time I was home alone (I live with my sister) but I know that if I lived alone he’d spend the night more often. So yes he’s sweet to me and everything, but this is what throws me off: He only sees me to have sex.

Before, we did use to hang out like actually hang out at his house and watch movies together… or go to the park or movies..and this was after we broke up. But now, it’s been a while that he took me out like that.. and only sees me for sex, and I actually straight up told him one night how I felt about him just calling me up for sex… how I felt used by him, and the look on his face I could tell he felt bad, and he told me that he didn’t want me to feel that way and that he wanted to start seeing me more often.

And I told him that I didn’t want him to tell me that only because I had made him feel guilty or anything like that, and he said no, that he really does want to, not just because I said it, but that because he wanted to.

So a month past and I didn’t see him. He did call me through out the month but he said he was really busy and he couldn’t see me…. and I know i’m going to sound naive… but I actually do believe him cause he goes to a university and is working currently two jobs and on the side he makes mini movies and music videos for local upcoming artists… And also a while ago when he met my sister, he told her that he knows how I feel like maybe I don’t believe him about him being busy, but that he really does care about me and this and that. I do notice how he changed after I told him how I felt about being used… But I do believe actions speak louder than words. He only tells me he wants to see me… and that makes me believe that he cares… but he is STILL only seeing me for sex…..

He does call me and text me at times to see how I’m doing… but then again when we see each other it’s just booty calls. And well yesterday he actually told my best friend that she, him and I should hang out soon…. which is really weird because he never really hangs out with me and my friends together. It’s always just me and him… so idk if to take this as a good thing or a bad thing?? Because in a way yeah, it makes me smile that he actually told my best friend that the three of us should hang out… but then again, I feel like maybe this is his way of letting me know we’re just friends?? because just the fact that I haven’t seen him in a month, I feel like he should want to hang out just me and him….not hang out with my friends and I…. It’s just the fact that he hardly ever does that, it makes me scared a little cus I don’t know what that means. Maybe I over think things too much… But since I haven’t seen him since about a month now… I feel it’s just a little weird and out of the blue that he all of a sudden wants to include my friends. Help haha.

I think that he knows if you guys hang out by yourselves then it will inevitably lead to sleeping together again, so it’s perfectly normal and actually a great idea that he is including your friend into the time you will be spending together hanging out. He is taking your feelings into consideration and is inviting your friend just so you are feeling even more comfortable. But that’s not the important part. The real thing you should pay attention to is how he treats you once you are out with him and your friend. If he talks to you the same way he does to your friend then he has an idea that you are just friends who occasionally sleep with each other. If, however, he puts his arm around your shoulder or waste, or holds your hand then he is trying to show you the affection a boyfriend shows his girlfriend. Pick up on the way he treats you that day and you will see for yourself if he likes you like more than just a friend.

If you know that he really is a busy guy who does not have time to hang out too often, then you must consider a few things. You know that he will not quit his studies or work to make more time to see you more often for dates, so you have to really make sure to set your priorities. I genuinely think he likes you, because not only is he making an effort to take you out this next time with you and a friend, and because he spoke to your sister about your relationship and how he did not want to hurt you. You have to decide whether you will be satisfied having a boyfriend who will not always be there due to his busy schedule, but still a boyfriend who does like you and cares for you, or if you rather break things off because you think he is there just for the sex. I think the best thing for you to do is decide based on how he treats you when you are together. Next time you meet and you see it is leading to the bedroom tell him that you’re not in the mood for that and you’d rather just hang out. Read his reaction and see if he shows interest when you are just out someplace like dinner. Another way to test him is if he tells you he wants to see you on a certain night, tell him that you’re on your period and see if he decides to reschedule or he will say that he still wants to see you even if you won’t end up having sex that night. So as you said, actions do speak louder than words, and the fastest way to destinguish his true intentions is by testing him whenever you two are together through the methods outlined above.

All in Due Time

Robby G — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 04:32:50 +0000

Dear Robby

I hope you are well and remember me from my previous plee for help!

Well, after things ended with the previous guy, I went on holiday and when I
came back I met a lovely guy called Ryan on an online dating site. We had
spoken briefly in October last year, but he suddenly stopped talking to me
and I assumed he wasn’t interested. When we met up in May this year, he
explained it was because things had started up again with his ex-girlfriend
but that things were definitely over now.

The thing with this ex-gf is that they went out for 3 years and he loved her
a lot. They broke up because she’s very religious and traditional she was
afraid to tell her parents about him, because they would not approve of
him.

He told me when we first started going out in May that he only spoke to her
occasionally, to see how she was etc. Which I thought was fine because I am
friends with Ex-bfs.

We have now been together for just three months and he recently went on
holiday on the otherside of the world for 3 weeks. During this time we
texted every day and I missed him a lot. When he came back, we went on a
romantic weekend getaway. Everything was great until the second day when I
stupidly decided to read the texts on his phone. I feel so ashamed of what I
did, and I don’t know why I did it in the first place.

I found all these texts between him and his ex-gf… as recently as a few
days before our weekend break. Even after we had started our relationship he
was texting her to say he still loved her and missed her very much and
hadn’t forgotten his time with her. She is quite unresponsive in her texts,
but they have been caling each other a couple of times since him and i
started going out. In the last message, he had found out that she is now
engaged to be married to someone her parents have set her up with, and he
said it “hit him like a tonn of bricks all over again”. She said his text
made her heart flutter and that she wished him all best in the future.

My heart feels heavy and I am so sad. How could he have been with me so
openly (we have met each others friends, we go on dates, he tells me he’s so
glad to have met me) when all the while he is still in love with his ex, and
telling her so?

I really do like him, and the funny thing is I can actually feel myself
falling in love with him. However, after this episode, I don’t know whether
to let the issue go because the ex is getting married and he can’t have her, or
to bring it up with him because I couldn’t bare him just being with me
because he can’t be with her.

I hope you can help me Robby and provide me with some of your advice.

Awaiting patiently,

S****a

Hey again. First, do not bring up that you know about the messages that he sent his ex-girlfriend, because all that will do it make you look like the bad guy. Not only because you checked his text messages, but simply because he clearly still loves his ex and he will do anything to defend her. I myself had a girlfriend who I loved and then when we broke up due to certain reasons, I tried to move on by finding other girls, and when I got a new girlfriend she could tell that I wasn’t fully over my ex-girlfriend. Instead of trying to confront or question me on the subject, she did just the opposite, she tried to comfort me. I know it sounds a little awkward and maybe even selfish but it is the best way for me to get over my ex and see that I had a perfectly great girl right by my side. Starting a fight over something he has no control over, because it is clear that he isn’t cheating or at least trying to cheat on you with his ex due to simple sexual reasons, but due to emotional reasons. And when emotions are involved almost no one has real control over them as they do over rationality. So any confrotation will lead to him acting the victim and no one will come out happy.

See Things from His Perspective

Sure you must feel betrayed that he still wants his ex even though he is dating you and you have fully given yourself to him and are even starting to fall in love with him. But though you are so kind to him and he is so ungrateful in return because he doesn’t show you the same love back, you must accept the fact that his heart is currently putting his ex a notch higher than you. That’s simply the harsh reality. There is no going around it, but there is a way to make him realize that you at least have the potential to be even better than his ex. Being there for him and showing him the love that he is missing from his ex will bring you two closer. And in all honesty, it seems like you shouldn’t have anything to worry about in any case, because his ex clearly doesn’t feel the same way for him as he does for her and she is also engaged to be married. All he currently needs is time. Time to sink in the fact that he will never be with his ex again; time to realize that he is lucky to have a woman that still cares and really likes him; and time to stop trying to live the past and start focusing on a great new future. And with your help and support, rather than confrontation and arguements, he will come to realize all of those things. Though he may be a little bit more irritated in the next few weeks, know that he is really hurting on the inside but at least with time he will love you as much as he did her.

I know it’s extremely difficult to try and be so nice to a person that is in love with someone else, and it is very painful to know that someone else is on his mind sometimes, but at least you know that he has the ability to really love someone so much and he isn’t someone who is insensitive to emotional attachment. Wish you all the best and hope he realizes what he currently has sooner rather than later.

Ask Robby G

Be that “Something Extra” in His Life

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