Ask Robby G

Understanding Fuck Buddies

Robby G — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 00:41:04 +0000

Hello Robby, I could use your advice, I have been happily a FB for the last 3
years with a guy I met as I’d just came out of divorce. Initially I did the
typical woman on the rebound thing, and fell in love with my buddy. But he sat
me down and explained the rules and we’ve been fine ever since. Until a couple
of weeks ago, we got up a heated steam of passion and for the first time, fucked
without a condom. It was accidental, but incredible. I didn’t think too much
about it as in terms of pregnancies he’s snipped and I’m coiled. STIs are
covered as we get ourselves checked regularly. I’m exclusive so I know I’m safe,
we never talk about other relationships – not my business, nor is it his. I
should add that the reason why I’m exclusive is that I’m busy, run my own
business and don’t have the time or capacity for any serious relationship right
now, maybe sometime in the future, but not yet. There is a problem I need to nip
in the bud…we had unprotected sex again a couple nights ago…and I liked it.
Now I’m annoyed at myself as I’m going into emotional connection mode again and
need to get back to the raw, straightforward sex we had before riding bareback
reared it’s lovely head. So I could just produce a packet of condoms the next
time. My FB didn’t seem at all worried about being free- I know he’s a bloke
and that’s what most prefer…but I’m taken by surprise at his laid back
attitude to this development as he was the most insistent and uptight person
that we started using condoms in the first place. I’m curious though, I know I
just should ask him… but what could possibly be going on in his head, from a
blokes perspective? Spirit.

It’s nice that you two had a conversation about the rules of a friends with benefits, even though I hate calling them rules. Either way though, I think it’s a good idea for people to bring it up to not get many confusions, or at least avoid confusions for as long as possible. Feelings spark non-intentionally, but we’re all human so we cannot control that too much even though it goes against the rules. Now, the reason why he was against having sex raw before was probably because he did not feel the same connection to you as he does now. And when a man is getting into a friend with benefits relationship, he does not want to try anything that may complicate that. Now, however, you two have tried it and the passion has ignited a new phase in your relationship. I’m not saying that he’s completely open to trying something more than keeping it simple as FBs, but he might be. Sex without a condom, from a male’s perspective, is much more pleasurable and intimate, though I don’t suggest it too often unless you two are certain there is no STI’s or fears of pregnancies. But when a couple is exclusive then it may not be too bad of an idea to try it out–it really does elevate the relationship and elate the couple as the sexual experience becomes much more sensual.

The best time to discuss things of that nature with him would probably be after sex when you two are thinking logically and without the heat of the moment when you are just getting into sex. Be casual about it and ask what he thinks about the fact that you two stopped using condoms. And though you are right that you shouldn’t discuss other relationships that he may be in just to discover certain things about STIs and the like. He probably is feeling a lot more comfortable with you at this point since he is so at ease when sleeping with you raw.

It depends on the guy, but having sex without a condom is quite a big step in any relationship, so if you said he was uptight before and now he is very open to it then you two have developed a trusting bond. I personally do not think it is something that a formal relationship is ready to be formed yet but if you continue on this path then you two will share an intimate FB relationship for many more years.

Should the Man Always be First to Make the Move?

Robby G — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 06:48:01 +0000

Okay.. first of all I’m loving this page..
I’ve been reading and reading stuff all morning, btw you’re great with advice..
Ok so I have this situation and i really need help.
There’s this guy, we’ve been talking for almost a month now, but we’ve known
each other for so many years but never really talked.
he’s 31 and I’m 24, so there’s this age difference. He just got out of a 5 year
relationship about 4 months ago but he’s not hurting or anything at least he
says he’s better now than he was before. So in about 25 days we been out 10
times–to the movies, shopping, eating, to parties and visiting friends of his,
he invites me everywhere. And we always have a great time, we talk to each
other all day, by the time i get to work at 8am, i already have an email from
him, and we keep talking all day.
So yesterday we watched movies at his place, the living room was occupied so we
watched them in his room (good excuse right?)
so we were in bed… cuddling the whole time (HE STARTED IT) and really close
to each other, when the movie ended we were still in bed and he was acting all
sweet we laugh a little bit, and we were like face to face, under the covers.
There was this moment when it seemed by the way we were hugging each other
that he was dying to at least kiss me..
but… WHY WHY WHYYY WON’T HE KISS ME??? So, by the time i got home everything
was normal. We talked a bit before going to bed..
Surprise Surprise.. I get to work today… and there’s no email. So, I’m like, hes
at work too, so he must be busy, so i send him an email.. tick tock its been 3
hours… and there’s no answer.. did i do something wrong???
WHATS GOIN ON??? I don’t even know.. i have the feeling we’re both seeing where
this leads us..
but geez we were in bed.. and the cuddling and hugging and acting sweet was ALL
HIM.. He started everything..
I don’t even know where I’m standing at, hes probably busy right now.. and he
will eventually answer.. still i don’t know what’s happening…

I read a very interesting article the other week which carried the idea that the rise in the equality of women to men in the West has created a perplexion in men, first and foremost, resulting in slowing down of their ability to mature into men as quickly, as well as misunderstand their own role in the male/female relationship. The line between the role in of a man and a woman is so faded in the work force as well as in the social structure that men feel that their role in their personal life with women has also been altered.

Just a couple of decades ago it was extremely uncommon for a man to be asked out by a woman on a date. It was also uncommon for the woman to make the first move. Now, however, because men and women share such similar roles where it is not uncommon to see men look after their children as well as do chores as often as his wife; and in return see the woman of the house bring home the bread and butter just like her husband; that men have developed an idea that women have as much responsibility as the man when it comes to taking the initiative to make the move on a date.

In your situation, it seems that the guy who clearly had a shot at moving in and making a move that night when you were watching a film was effected by this new male complex. I am personally one of those that would feel slightly emasculated if I was on a date and the girl was the first to make the move. Nonetheless there are many men out there that would prefer the woman to take control and be the instigator since it relieves them of the nerve-racking task of actually doing something that may in fact leave them embarrassed if they misread the girl’s signs. You do, nonetheless, mention that he initialized the hugging and touching, which does lead me to think that he does in fact have it in him to be the one to “pull the trigger”, it is just that he isn’t fully ready yet.

Why he isn’t ready? Well, there’s a few reasons that come to mind, which you will most likely have to evaluate for yourself because I don’t know the man personally. He could just not be ready yet since his last relationship lasted 5 years and it is difficult to move on from such long term commitments. It could also be that he is a very committing type and he doesn’t want to rush things because he feels that what you share has the ability to develop into a long term relationship, so he is being cautious that you get to know him really well first and then fall for him before he can take things further and also make things official.

Your best move now is to probably do exactly what a woman with complete equality to men should do if she pleases, and that is to be the initializer and make a move. I doubt he’ll go ape-shit and run away in total panic. So you (as well as all the girls out there who are waiting for the guy they hang out with and like to make a move) should just take a crack at giving more than just a hint to the man they like in order to see what he’s really feeling.

3 Mistakes Any Woman Can Make

Robby G — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 05:13:48 +0000

Hi, i’ve been having a casual relationship with this guy who is 12 years younger
than me for about 6 months. Its also long distance so i have only been seeing
him about twice a month.He lives in my hometown in Wiltshire, so I go there
often to see family.

I did not tell him my age for fear of putting him off and I look alot younger
than i am (45). I fell for him as soon as our eyes met and he was very keen too.
I was happy because i had not been out or slept with anyone for 3 years mainly
due to being diagnosed with breast cancer and going through treatment and my
self – esteem was very low.

Anyway we chatted and went out the following night for a drink and stupidly
ended up having sex (it had been a long time!)He seemed to like me though and
said he would call. I then made another stupid mistake and texted him the next
morning asking if he got home ok as he had to walk quite far and was worried -
he did reply and said he would call me. I then returned to London.

I did not hear anything from him but bumped into him when i returned to
Wiltshire 2 weeks later in the local pub. He said hi, looked a bit nervous and
walked out. I then sent him a text to ask why he was giving me the cold shoulder
and he replied saying he wasn’t but was just shy. So l replied saying do you
fancy a beer and he said yes, so arranged to meet. Guess what?? he didn’t turn
up!!I saw him later that evening and he was very wasted in the pub. So i decided
not to bother with him but was still a bit hurt as i was so attracted to him.

I saw him a month later in the pub again and didn’t really speak but later on
that night he rang me to see what i was doing – so i ended up going back to his
house and having an extremely passionate 9 hours. He knocked me for 6 as i
couldn’t believe how amazing it was and never had experienced it before. He also
said that he couldn’t believe I was in his room.

But at the end there was no chat or cuddles and i suddenly felt really uneasy
and cheap – so l left and he said he would call me later that day so we could go
out that night. He didn’t!

Since then i have been returning home every 2 weeks mainly to see him as I’m
addicted to the passion. He only texts me when he wants sex and i foolishly gave
in thinking i could handle what was obviously a fuck buddy thing.

He has opened up with me quite a bit and admitted he is a drug dealer with a
serious coke/ketamine habit and doesn’t understand why someone like me would
want to be with him. He is very ashamed of himself and I feel sorry for him but
he doesn’t ever want to know anything about me. He has showed some signs that he
cares eg. he made a playlist on my ipod one night which was mainly love songs and
took me to meet his friends. He also asked me last time i was with him what was
going on with us, so i said l really liked him and would like us to get to know
each other better and maybe go out sometimes- thats all- he then went on to tell
me all his problems but never said how he felt about me.
l know that there is no future with him because of his problems but l wished
there could be. Last time l was down he completely ignored my texts saying i was
there and have heard nothing for 2 weeks. This will sound crazy but i’m madly in
love with him and i don’t know why as he shows me no respect but l’m heartbroken
and severely depressed now – wished to god i’d never met him. I just want to know
why he’s suddenly started ignoring me. I did get the feeling that there was
something there and his friends say he’s a lovely guy with a heart of gold so
i’m really confused. He is completely wasted just about every day and i don’t
think he knows what hes doing and l also think I’ve really lost the plot feeling
like this about some one who’s a dealer and a serious junky.

I just want some answers as to why he’s suddenly lost interest so l can move on.

I believe you yourself know the answer to your question without me having to write anything down here. You have been off your game for 3 years and have obviously been through a lot with your personal life. Then all of a sudden you met someone who showed some interest and shared a passionate night with you. You didn’t fight it because you thought everything will unravel nicely and maybe there would be something — you knew that there was no future in it but it was nice to have someone care for you and especially someone younger. He turned out to be nothing like he portrayed himself to be like, or you just may have misread him due to a few drinks or because of your vulnerability the first night you slept with him.

After the first night together, you began making mistakes that made him distance himself away from you.

1. You acted like you hadn’t been with anyone in a long time, which though is a good thing for most men, it’s a turn off. It made you look desperate, especially when you texted him the next morning.
2. You kept asking him to come out when you knew he wasn’t too interested. And once he didn’t show up to a date that one night, he gave you an excuse that made you feel sympathy for him rather than anger.
3. You let him off to easy whenever he messed up instead of getting angry and showing him that you’re not going to always be there for him whenever he needs a booty call.

Now, that’s the harsh reality and you yourself know that those are the mistakes you made. The thing is, you need to see your self-worth and instead of feeling bad for him for his decisions to sell and use junk, you should move on. You’re obviously much nicer, more caring, and more responsible than this younger recluse and you should move on before his problems begin to affect you in a worse way.

To answer your question about why he lost interest: I personally don’t think he had too much interest to begin with. He slept with you and that was all the interest he had. Then when he was drunk and lonely he would call you just to scratch that itch. Now what you should do about it is to leave and forget about him. You yourself said that you wish you had never met him at all, and the cure to that is to delete his number, cry it out for a few days, and move on. You shouldn’t ever regret the past, but you should learn off your mistakes, and see him as just that — a small mistake. We’ve all had them and most of us have been other people’s mistakes as well. It’s the imbalance of emotional attachment that usually causes this. You thought there was something more to what you two shared than there actually was, and to him, he was so strung out that he couldn’t appreciate what he had and most probably doesn’t to this day. The very day that he didn’t show up to the date should have been the last straw and you should have removed him from you life. It’s all much easier said than done, but I’m being harsh because I know that pursuing this sort of thing and trying to make a relationship out of it will prolong the torture and make you feel much worse in the long run.

Ask Robby G

Understanding Fuck Buddies

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