Askew To You

January, Not What I Had Hoped For

2012-01-21T18:10:00.000-08:00

I made a decision to start writing again. I told my writing friend, Cherie, that on Friday I would purchase a notebook and a pen. No more I-can't-get-to-the-computer excuses. Well, I didn't get the notebook - I did get the pen. I sat down and the only things I could think to write about were the death of my son and a horrible fight I had with my husband. Neither are subjects I think anyone wants to read about, but that's all I had. So, I wrote it out, then crumpled the paper and threw it in the woodstove. Does that count, does it count as a fulfilling my promise to myself when no one else ever sees the words?

I'm not sure I've got any story ideas left in my head. I worry that the space I previously used for a creative side is now filled with endless money-making schemes. In my quest to get my head above water again (water=debt these days) I have fully squelched any creative urge I used to possess.

Oh poor me. Boo-hoo. What a baby.

My husband is home. I just I'm done for now. Not sure this counts either.

I Made Soup and I Still Like Barbie

2011-12-21T09:09:00.000-08:00

I used to be able to get writing jobs fairly easily. I was hooked up with a big network of moms and I'd just pitch things to them. Later I was hooked up to a big blog network and I just sort of spread myself around pretty well, making a little more, a little more, a little more ... and then it was gone. I've applied for 3 jobs in the last few months and no one wants me anymore. They all say they are looking for a different tone, etc. I can write in a different voice or style, but when I really think about it, I know I want to be me when I write, not some face-less writer who really isn't telling you anything. So many places don't tell you anything anymore. Have you noticed that? Just a bunch of words strung together in a pretty fashion with no new idea or no real content. Very odd, that is. I want to learn something new either about myself or the subject or the writer. I want to connect. Is that wrong? I thought that was the whole purpose behind blogging in the first place.

In other news, I made some Chicken Soup for my sick husband last night and it very well might be the best Chicken Soup of my life. It's all downhill from here folks, I've hit the Chicken Soup Peak. ;) I am going to write it out and get it up at an old food blog that I started forever ago and am pretty sure I'd like to give another go. I love to cook.

I'm going to use my camera every day. Every ding dong day. I used to be that way. I got this yesterday. Tree Moss. It's pretty stuff. Robin and I used to use it in our Barbie houses when we were kids. We were Barbie-girls. I've never understood Barbie-hate. I guess it's because I realized that she was pretend and I did not want to look like her. I missed the whole Barbie ruined my self-esteem boat. I simply thought she was fun.

Here's the moss....

This came from the bottom of the Christmas tree my husband cut down for me. Sarah and I were watching a movie, he opens the door and shoves this 12 foot tree in the door. It's now about 4 or 5 feet shorter, still not decorated, but it sure is pretty. I missed trees like this when I lived in Chico. I'll post pictures of it tomorrow.

A Year To Get It Right

2011-12-20T10:08:00.000-08:00

I have spent the past year trying to figure out who I am and where I belong. I know it sounds melodramatic (whooo am I???), but my life is very definitely divided into three parts - Before Max, During Max, and After Max. He needed me and that made me feel like there was a reason that I existed. I was here for Max. Not that the girls haven't needed me, but they have always had a certain amount of do-it-herself-ness. Max needed me to do for him, because he couldn't do for himself.

I love being home, living in Northern CA again, I love being married to John, I enjoy certain aspects of my work life (love working outside, found that I enjoy and have a little talent *my boss's words* when it comes to merchandising), but I'm broke all the time. I haven't seen my brother or my sister and their families in over a year. My grandson doesn't know me, Bay is lost and I can't help her. I never see my two best friends or my mom. I feel cut off. (There goes the melodrama again).

I need to figure out a way to work ONE job and make ends meet. Making ends meet with just a little extra would be a dream come true. (Actually that is most likely the American Dream these days...) I need to get organized (my husband's biggest complaint, hey, organize yourself, kid!) and I need to reconnect with my family and friends. I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and figure out what I'm going to be. I need to make a list of my strengths and weaknesses, do some research about who actually makes money in my area, and get this thing done.

I give myself a year to get it right.

New Blog

2011-09-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

Hello. After writing this morning, I decided to add a new blog that I am calling Finding Daily Balance... If you would like to check it out and work on finding balance with me, you can do so here...

Finding Daily Balance

I will still be writing here.

Thanks!

Out of Balance

2011-09-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

I believe that my purpose in life is to find balance. Balance in work. Balance in family. Balance in leisure. It sounds simple, but it's not. I'm always thinking, always brainstorming ways to find more balance. Sometimes I find it for a temporary amount of time and it's pure bliss. The trick is to find out how to stretch that bliss, lengthen it, draw it out... but maybe that is selfish of me? Can I be hoping for too much bliss? Am I too bliss-centric? See how my brain works? It's a crazy place at times - I think too much.

An example of leisure.... Rode in a biking event with my friend, Angela... Check out that chin of mine...

Here are the areas that I need to work on:

*More money - not for extravagant things, but for necessities
*More time for family
*More order within my home

And I'd like to enjoy what I'm doing when I make the money. I enjoy my work at the store, but it frequently takes me completely out of my family. I work late a lot. John works early. When I get home, he's already asleep. Sometimes he wakes up and he tells me how poorly things played out between he and Sarah that evening. She is 13 and really into testing her new stepdad. I feel guilty that the bulk of the parenting is falling to him lately.

John and I have different parenting styles. He focuses on chores. I focus on growth. He wants things done. I want them done smoothly. He thinks his way is right. I think my way is right. I don't know how he would have handled the years when my oldest daughter was so out-of-control. There was no talking sense with her. It was maddening and I can remember thinking that I would be alone forever because no man could take that on. Okay, so John came along after that time.... now we've got a new teenager to figure out.... it's always something and it's all about.... growth. :) See, I am right!

I am thinking about a career change. I look at the schedule every week and I see that very few people are getting enough hours to live on and for some reason, new people are continually hired. Hey, I'd take a few courtesy clerk spots - I have no problem with that work. I find retail hard to figure out. Many aspects appear counter-productive to me, but that's just the way they do them. The work force is determined by the money made previously. So, if there is a period of slower sales, then fewer people are scheduled, but if there are not enough people scheduled, things go a bit chaotic and we can potentially lose customers.

An example would be the milk. A dairy clerk is scheduled, but he is constantly called up front, away from the milk, because there are more than 2 people in a line and the people up front start bugging out. When the milk clerk is gone, people continue to pull dairy goods off the shelf, which means the shelves empty. Where is all the yogurt? I can't find my favorite creamer! Ack!! Let the dairy clerk do their thing. Have an extra clerk up front - maybe they could be a combo courtesy clerk/checker - I've done that before and it worked well. I was available to get people out for their breaks, etc.

Okay, enough retail talk. I've been thinking a lot about sewing. I've got a machine. Just wish I could remember how to thread the bobbin.... more on this later. I spent last night looking at places like this. If you know of a good sewing blog, please recommend it in the comments.

Hey, do you know anyone who could use a puppy? Not this one, because we are keeping her, but one equally as cute...

Father & Mother

2011-07-28T07:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Bay's birthday. She is now 19. It is the first time we have not spent her birthday together. I guess that's how it goes when your kids grow up and become mommies and you move away and get married to your best pal.

Bay wrote something on her Facebook wall about her stepdad remembering her birthday and her father forgetting. That man continues to be a disappointment to our children. I usually say he has good intentions and poor follow-through, but to be honest, as time goes by even I realize that may no longer be the case. What is wrong with him? Does he forget? How do you forget something like that?

I remember growing up with a single mom. My dad didn't forget my birthday, but I didn't get to spend very many of them with him. Mom used to say things like, "I try to be both a mother and a father to you." We all laughed when we heard George Carlin use the same line in his act, but a single parent really does have to play both roles. I'm not sure I was ever good at the dad-part, but once I got a Father's Day card from Sarah that said, "You are the top pop," and I'm saving that thing forever.

To Jump or Not To Jump

2011-07-25T09:17:00.000-07:00

I had 3 days off from the store. I spent I spent one day working at the ranch, one day hanging around the house, and one day cutting firewood with John the Woodcutter (that's what he calls himself when he is talking to his wood clients). After woodcutting, we met some friends for swimming over at Kelsey Creek, then we drove back to town, put on dry clothes and met those same friends for pizza and Konnection or Connection - not sure which, but it's like Wii and apparently I'm a pretty good faux bowler. Who knew?

We cut and delivered our wood in Happy Camp, which I may have mentioned before is one of my favorite places. Most of the shots I have of it are from the Winter; the trees look the same, only the temperature has changed... a lot. It was hot. Very. I used some of that spray sunscreen on us, the type that is waterproof, UVA/UVB proof, and sprayable from any angle. It worked, no sunburn, but it's weird on your hair. It could easily double as a super-sticky hairspray, if a Bad Hair Day is your aim.

When we met our friends for swimming, we were talked into jumping off a bridge into the creek. Okay, back in the day I would do anything for a dare. Anything. As we hiked up the bank to the bridge there was no doubt in my mind that I would jump. In fact, when John climbed over the rail and balked I said, "Honey, do you want me to go first?" And I meant it. Then, he went over and I thought, hhmm that was a long fall. When I stepped over the railing, I didn't like the way I had to lean back toward the bridge - there was no ledge, something they probably did to discourage jumping. I stayed up for a few more minutes, talked to a few more jumpers (all male), then I walked back down to the beach. I'm no longer a kid, in fact I'm a grandma. I started a new job last week and I need to be in good shape. I no longer have to do something just because some yahoo (or my husband ;) ) tries to talk me into it. I felt pretty good.

Later, that night, John said something along the lines of he was disappointed that I did not jump, "Everyone should try it once in their lives." I see. Okay, leaving behind a good job, my family, everything I'd built for 18 years, to move "back home" to be with him, then marry him a couple of months later obviously does not count as a "jump" or a risk for him. I'm not sure if I'm offended that he doesn't recognize the risk I took or pleased that he sees that all as a no-risk, sure it's going to work, proposition....

We Got Puppies!

2011-07-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

Sis had her puppies yesterday. Here's what I've got so far....

They are 1/4 Trigg, 1/4 Plott, and 1/2 UKC Registered Leopard Hound pups.

My husband is selling them here. Would you believe he's sold two already?

Mid-July

2011-07-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what else to title this one. I am tired and not feeling very creative, but it's been so long since I updated. I'm learning a new job at the store - I've been promoted to clerk - and while it's less physically taxing, there is a lot more to remember, so my brain is pooped.

So far I love my new job. It deals more with the business of the store and a little less with the customer service part. I miss chatting with people while I bag their groceries, but I love the idea of having more responsibility. In the drug center, where I work, I will get to make orders, which might not seem like a big deal, but when I compare it with a few days ago, when people were still advising me on how to place groceries correctly in a bag (something that I was good at doing - nobody ever complained that I broke or squished anything) it's pretty big. In fact, tomorrow I am the sole drug center person for most if not all of the day. Woohoo! I hope I don't suck.

:)

My Husband the Woodcutter

2011-06-11T08:45:00.000-07:00

My husband is away cutting wood in Happy Camp, California. His goal for this trip was 3 cords of Madrone for a client and then a cord and a half for his hunting partner. Have you ever dealt with green Madrone? It's very much like moving log-shaped boulders - heavy, dense, with a beautiful red color to it. We cut a load of it 2 weekends ago and over and over I thought, this Madrone sucks, it's too heavy, why do men love it so... and on and on, but I (mostly) kept a smile on my face, because I was outside, not working indoors and that's what I prefer, plus John is a good "boss." He never yells and we get pizza and beer when we are done.

My husband is all about the Madrone, but I prefer to deal with something a bit lighter like Fir or even better would be some of the Lodgepole that my in-laws have out at the back of their ranch. It's all stacked in a "deck," ready to be split with a borrowed splitter. This is the easiest possible wood practice - John cuts the lengths, I roll or carry them to the splitter where he sits on a log-stool and splits piece-by-piece as his dad runs the controls. His dad is funny and whenever there's a break he makes jokes like, "The crack of dawn only lasts so long, but the crack of John lasts forever." My husband's pants are always falling down.

After the wood is split, we throw it into the back of a pickup. When there's enough in the pickup, John gets in and starts stacking it. He's very particular about the stacking and seems to distrust my stacking ability each time, until we get near the end and he says, "You are doing okay." Doing okay is a compliment from John, as is "Pretty good for a town this size," when he finishes a meal. As I'm a person who is fairly confident in my abilities, I don't need a lot of compliments, but I do get prickly about having to prove myself over and over. I sometimes wonder if it is a test. Test this, you big dork... Okay, that was a joke...

John is a lot of fun to work with. He makes up jokes and songs and really enjoys the entire wood-getting process, even when it's the boulder-Madrone and he's splitting each piece by hand. He is very strong and I feel a certain sense of pride when I hear that crack! as the wood splits - my husband is like Superman, is what I think. I sure hope Superman comes home soon, because I've slept without him for 3 nights and just thinking about his lovely, freckled shoulders made me feel like crying this morning.

Constant Change

2011-05-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

In the months since Max died, I've been going through a time of constant change. New jobs, new relationships, new homes, new friends, new hobbies - my life, as it exists today, is something I never could have predicted.

I'm lucky, because I have a lot of good choices available to me. I sift through the choices - some work out, others do not. I try to remain flexible and I've simplified things to a point where I can live with a lot less money coming in. Sometimes something seems like a good idea or I make a choice, because to pass it up seems stupid. For example, I left the market and went to work at the center because it meant twice as much money. I wanted to save my minivan. Unfortunately, I am unhappy working there and I still can't save my minivan. So, I'm giving it up. More changes to come....

John drove me to work 3 times before he decided I needed a new vehicle asap. Thanks to a loan from my in-laws, I am now the proud owner of a 1992 F-150 pickup truck. Perfect for my life as a.... Landscape. Ta-da! I love that work. AND I'm going back to the market part time, because I loved that job. Bagging groceries - who knew how fun it could be. Good exercise, too.

It is important to me that I am not just making money, but enjoying my work, because I've found that when I'm miserable, I'm not that much fun to live with. There's a good amount of truth to the saying, When Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. I'm the one who makes the home and it's important to me to make it a happy one. Family is my focus.

On that note, check out my handsome grandson, Gavin P, who came to stay with me last weekend. He's a charmer and a half.

Gavin and his big blue eyes.

Hometown Flashes

2011-05-10T09:01:00.000-07:00

A friend pointed out that I haven't updated in a long time. I am only on the computer in bits and pieces anymore. I have to share with John and Sarah and neither is good at sharing.... but they are cute, so I keep them around.

Moving back home has been interesting in many ways. One of the aspects that interests me is seeing how people I grew up with or knew as a very young adult have grown up. My good friend, J, was here for a visit last weekend and we all went out to eat. I could see her scanning the room, looking for familiar faces. I do that, too. When I was working at the market a lot of people that I grew up with came through the lines. Sometimes I'd recognize them immediately, but many I'd think I know I've seen that face before, but....

Sadly, I'm a little vain, because when I see someone who looks older than I do, I think, YES! Can't believe I'm admitting to that on here...

This morning, I came around the corner and a guy that I hooked up with a time or two was sitting in a pickup, waiting to turn. I recognized him immediately. Weird flash from the past. I think I was about 19 or 20 when I knew him. He put my car stereo in for me and somehow it was really wrong.

My favorite flash is this one - I'm on the high school bus and a cute, freckled face boy gets on board, catches my eye and gives me a big smile. That handsome husband of mine - he's always had a beautiful smile and he's definitely my favorite flash from the past.

Pop Culture, I'm Kinda Over You

2011-04-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

I've been working out in the backyard all week. John has the dogs down South, which means I can shovel .... errr stuff and straw without getting jumped on. I've also planted some seasonal color (fancy way of saying "pansies") and John's mom, Pat, gave me some plants out of her lovely garden, too. Mom used to do that, too. I'd love to put something of Mom's out there, as well.

Today, snow showers were in the forecast. I am happy to say that I've seen nothing of them so far. WooHoo! There is, however, a bit of a chilly wind blowing in the front yard. The back yard is warm... and smokey, because I've been burning straw(and stuff) out there all day.

I keep hearing or seeing the word "winning." I know it's a reference to Charlie Sheen, because 1) people mention him in the "winning" comment, and 2) I saw a bit of his disturbing interview. Pop culture, it's something I've been interested in for years, but not so much anymore. It's not that I've lost interest, but my interest has changed focus. If it has nothing to do with my family or my work, then chances are I don't know anything about it. I don't get the paper regularly, I don't watch the news, I don't watch TV at all. Neither does my husband and I'm fairly certain any "winning" comments would produce barely a hmm in his mind. If it doesn't have anything to do with family, friends, gardening, hunting or hounds, he's not interested. If it does then he's all ears or eyes.

I love that about him. When we first started dating, the Kardashians came up for some reason. He honestly has no idea who they are. He's probably seen their pictures on magazines as he stands in line at the market, but other than thinking, hmm pretty girl, they do not in any way capture his attention. They have nothing to do with his life or anything that touches his life.

I talked to him this morning and he mentioned having to go in the water last night after a couple of the hounds when they were hunting raccoons down at his buddy's place. A man who will enter freezing-cold water to save a dog, that's the man I married. :) Who needs the Kardashians? ;)

I'm Feeling Very Blessed...

2011-02-22T09:51:00.000-08:00

Hello. I haven't been updating regularly as you might have noticed. Here's what I've been up to...

I got married on the 11th of February. So far, so good.

I was talking to my mom about men and what a woman wants and what a woman actually finds when she looks for a man. Prior to re-meeting John, I had a list of what I wanted - my friend and I made the lists up at the same time. I ended up with a man who wasn't list-perfect, but he ended up being perfect for me. I had no idea that I'd love living in a house with a messy floor (okay, not loving the messy floor, but I love the house) or that I'd enjoy hunting so much or sharing my life with 6 dogs.

If I were to make a list that described my husband it would go like this;

*Warm and loving

*Great positive attitude

*Makes me laugh all the time

*Strong and capable

*Adorable freckles and beard (although he's currently beardless)

Now that is a good list. If your list starts out tall, dark, and handsome, then you just might end up with a man whose looks are his best feature. I'd rather have a man whose heart is his best feature, any day. And I think my man is tall and handsome, although he tends toward the ginger side, rather than the dark side.

I've been interviewing for a new job. I love working at the market, it's been a lot of fun and I've got into much better shape, but I need to make more money (as in enough to actually live on). I applied for something online months way back in November and they contacted me out of the blue about 3 weeks ago. It's a good fit for me, working with special needs people, which is something that I miss very much. I'm also qualified for this one, unlike the Insurance job, which I thought I was qualified for until I got into the training. Ouch. That training kicked my butt.... or to be more accurate it kicked my brain.

I've been hiking/jogging with a new friend and we are training for a 5K in April. I really like my new friend - she cracks me up. She and John are related by marriage, so she calls him cuz, which cracks us both up. Now that John and I are married, she's my "cuz," too.

I've started getting to know John's daughter Desiree. She reminds me of Bay and John combined. She is funny like John and when she "talks" (texts or emails) it "sounds" like Bay. She and the girls have talked a bit. I am glad that they are hitting it off. I hope we get to visit with her in person soon.

John's parents came down with us to get married. His mom made us a card with a combination of my photos and Dad-John's (John's dad, also named John) photos on it. It said, "I'll give you two dogs to marry me," which is a text message that John sent me a couple of days before we got married. Inside she mentioned how a good marriage is a combination of true love and best friends. I feel that is very much what we have and I'm so excited about the future. I feel very blessed and lucky.

Happy Valentine's Day To You!

2011-02-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to you!

I got married last Friday, so my handsome boyfriend is now my handsome husband. I took some photos on our wedding day, while under the influence of a couple of margaritas. This one is Leah's favorite...

And my mom likes this one, because she says he looks like he will protect my forever or something like that.

I wish you lots of love and happiness.

The Man Is Hound-Crazy.....

2011-01-21T11:13:00.000-08:00

I've had a little trouble writing lately, plus my boyfriend is usually on the computer, so that limits my time to update. :) The man is hound-crazy and he follows a few forums, plus screen-shopping for hound supplies....

I'm still trying to find a second job. John and I sold oranges off and on throughout the month. I enjoyed it a lot. It's similar in many ways to the work I do at Raley's. I talk to people and lug stuff around - pack the oranges into the truck, unpack them at the site, take them to people's cars, then load the unsold oranges back up. I don't ever want to go back to a sedentary job. I love the physical part - the moving around, using my muscles, trying to be quick. Anyway, my thought is that I could continue to sell the oranges on my own. I saw my schedule for next week - I definitely have the time.

Our puppy is getting so big. He's now as tall as the hound, Sis and pretty close to being Red-size. The other day, he was trying to hump Sis (he is a wild humper with no idea what he is doing) and she was not having it. She flipped him over her back - all long puppy-legs and ears in the air. It was so funny. Whenever I need to smile, I picture that flying pup.

2010

2010-12-31T09:55:00.000-08:00

I'm having a little trouble getting started with this one.... I have mixed feelings about 2010. It was such an up and down year for me and it's ending on a weird note for my family. I lost my boy this year and part of me wants to hold on to 2010, because it's the last year he saw. I don't know if that makes any sense at all.

I'm happy about my new life and I try to focus on the good stuff. I'm excited about Gavin's arrival and living here with John. I enjoy my job and soon Sarah's basketball season will be starting. I try to write about that stuff on Facebook - I want my focus to be on living a positive life. I have a lot to be grateful for, but one of my family members wrote something about how some people are pretending things are perfect or something like that and I suspect it was focused at me. My life isn't perfect. I don't pretend it's perfect. Who wants perfection? Perfection is a scary thought to me - a sort of fate teaser. I just want to be happy and live I life I can feel proud of.

All I can do is to keep working and taking care of my family to the best of my ability.

Day After Santa Day

2010-12-26T11:52:00.000-08:00

Merry day after Christmas.... How was your holiday? Mine was good. I spent the majority of the day with John and my girls, but in the afternoon John's parents came over and had dinner with us. I tried a new recipe - Roast Beef with a Dijon/Horseradish Crust. Turned out pretty good - smelled great when it was cooking. (Hhmm, I think I'll make myself a sandwich in a minute....)

This was my first Christmas holiday spent with a partner in about 18 years. John is getting me a washing machine. I'm very practical, so that's my idea of a great gift. I just need to find one and he'll go get it.

I gave him a haircut today and was worried that I cut the front too short, but then I ended up cutting the whole thing super-short and it turned out great. I've been cutting hair for years, since I was 14 and I was a hairdresser when I lived in Washington, but even so I'm not immune to distractions and a house full of kids and pets usually includes some distractions. It seems that the shorter his hair is, the younger he looks. I'll have to get a picture of him today... I think he looks beautiful.

Today is my second day off of work. My hours are super-light next week which is worrisome. I'm a bit tired of being broke. I'd love to be able to go see a movie and pick up a pair of basketball shoes for Sarah. Time to look for a second job............

We have a new cat. Her name is Tinkerbell, but we'll call her Tink.

I Liked the Way He Was In the World

2010-12-14T23:27:00.000-08:00

I was reading through some entertainment news today and I found a quote that actress Jennifer Connelly gave about to Glamour magazine last year. It has to do with how or when she knew that her husband, Paul Bettany, was the one for her. I loved it then and I love it now because she exactly captures that certain something that all women in love have felt about the men in their lives.

"It was something about the way that we were together," she said. "He stood out to me as someone singular and rare and beautiful, and I liked the way he was in the world. I liked the way he was with people. I liked the way he was with my son and the way he made me feel."

I Really Kind Of Like It Here

2010-12-13T22:06:00.000-08:00

It was a dark and stormy night... and it still is. The tree out front is whipping around and the rain is hitting the side of the house. I hope Sis the hound is in her dog house.

One of the many perks involved with moving back to your hometown is that you run into a lot of "old friends." Some are friends-friends, some are acquaintance-friends, and others are just familiar faces you used to know.

Today, I ran into a friend from the 6th grade. He and I attended Bogus School, a one-room schoolhouse back in...well it was a long, long time ago. While we were students there, he "went" with my sister, Robin, then later, at the end of the year, he "went" with me for about a week, so this was a boy that I kissed when I was 11. John is good friends with his son and I recently spent the day with the son when he helped John get in a load of wood. His son is a really nice guy, works hard, very friendly.

Anyway, this guy, Richard is his name, looks very good, hardly aged at all. I knew it was him from halfway across the front of the store, which is not the case with many old friends. I will look at them for the longest time and then think, oh yeah, that's so and so. Richard has a new baby, only 3 months old, and he's a Grandpa. I have to say this - congratulations to Richard and his lady, but oh man I hope I do not have any more kids at this age.

I walked him over to his car, way across the shopping center, over to where his dad was just coming out of Carl's Jr. Now his dad, I hadn't seen his dad since back in the 6th grade days when he had all kinds of long, curly, dark hair. I remember we used to spend the night with Richard's sister, Sara, and listen to their dad's records. Richard's mom would make us ebelskeivers (sp?) for breakfast... that reminds me, I still haven't used my pan. Richard and Sara taught Robin and me how to build forts and pee outside. It was at there house that we first spent time around animals like chickens and turkeys. And I have this clear picture in my mind of what Richard's fingernails looked like as a kid. Yes, I know that's an odd memory to carry, but I've carried it all these years. I mentioned it to John and I'm pretty sure I got one of those My Girlfriend Is A Weirdo looks.

I love living back here. I really enjoy running into familiar faces, feeling ties to a place again. I lived in Chico all that time and never really felt like I belonged there, never felt any ties to the location, although I did meet some wonderful people while I was there, like Max's teachers. My boyfriends, my best friends, they were all people whom I grew up with up here. Every day something happens that makes me feel more sure that I did the right thing moving back.

I'm Back........

2010-12-12T23:09:00.000-08:00

Yahoo! We finally have Internet access again. Dang, that was a long (and impatient wait).

This weekend we drove over to meet John, where he's been working in Happy Camp, CA. We stayed in his camp trailer with him and the hounds. He made us a pot of mushroom soup that was incredible... and simple. It was this - saute 1 diced onion and about 5 diced cloves of garlic in butter (he used a whole cube). Chop mushrooms (John had fresh mushrooms, these huge ones that he found while wood cutting. I'll have to look up the name, but it was something with an M and it sounds Japanese), then add to onions and garlic. Then, add about 5 cups of half & half, salt and pepper to taste. That's it. So darn good.

I miss John so much when he's away cutting wood. Our house is too quiet and too tidy without him here. I miss his made-up songs and his loud, Hello!, when he answers his phone. I miss sleeping next to him most of all. I do appreciate how hard he works and I'm glad that he's got the trailer and isn't staying in a tent after working all day anymore.

Here's a picture of the table and chairs he set up for us while we were there.

Laptopping It At Micky D's

2010-11-19T19:06:00.000-08:00

I'm all moved and ready to start my new job on Monday. So far, no internet access....... and I'm missing my handsome boyfriend who is out being a wood cutter. He camps when he does that, in the snow. Next time I'm feeling tired and sorry for myself, I'm going to picture him cutting, splitting, and loading wood all day, then sleeping in a tent that night... really puts things into perspective.

Is it wrong to say that I'm proud of how hard my man works, because I really am. I swear he's 10 feet tall and shines like the sun to me. I bet he'd be embarrassed to read that. Sorry, John. Sometimes I gush.

I'm sitting in McDonald's as I type this, taking advantage of their free internet access. There's a big blown up red M&M sitting in the dining room. The little kids get so excited when they come around the corner and see it. Oohh! They say, then they poke at it.

Well, my computer my battery is going. I wish you a wonderful weekend!

My 400th Post

2010-11-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

This is my 400th post, as you can tell by my title. Wow. I must really like to write about myself. :)

Today is my last day at my new job, because this weekend I am moving almost 3 hours away, to a place where I will need to find a new-new job. We, my boyfriend and I, are renting a cute, little house at the edge of town, with a woodstove and a view of grass, cows, and mountains. I am so excited.

I'm nervous about the moving, but more about the job-less-ness. I am in no way nervous about moving in with my boyfriend. I tried this with him before and it worked well then - I'm hoping it's even better this time. I'm older now and I don't have the same expectations I had then. I'm not as selfish, that's for sure.

I'm also very excited because this means I will get to see Muddy Waters every day and I love that dog.

Falling Behind

2010-11-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

I'm very behind on all my blogs. I haven't written anything at Girl Looks Swell in forever and I had two giveaways to write up. Everything is in a sort of upheaval now, so I'm going to leave it for a bit. I'm in the middle of some big changes and I'm not real sure what is going to happen. I wish I did, because I know that my family would like some answers, but so many things hinge on how will an interview will go or if we can find a place. I don't like not having answers for my mom, the girls, my sister, but I don't know myself right now. Sure would be nice to be independently wealthy. I'd pack my stuff, go BUY a house, and move my family in.

I know I said I wasn't going to write about my boyfriend, but I have to write this - that guy is calm. Super calm. I feel myself tensing up and he stays loose and good-natured and I think, I really need to learn how to do that.

I was calm and relaxed for a long time. It was easy, because I made my life as simple as I could, I had my routine and my familiar surroundings. It's change or up-coming change that throws me. I have faith that in a short time I'm going to be feeling calm again.

Okay, time to fold some clothes. I've got packing to do.

Max's Birthday

2010-10-28T22:56:00.000-07:00

Today, at work, a wheelchair claim came up in my work queue. I started working my way through it, slowly, because the work is still a little complicated and overwhelming to me. I thought, oh a wheelchair claim - I know wheelchairs.

I read that the wheelchair came with some special features - it was light-weight and had some special padding. I pulled up the original order and the additional information that the Dr sent in detailing why it was necessary. Something about the phrase "non-ambulatory" wiped me out. Just bam and I was crying. It's a word I read a lot in Max's med reports. Max was non-ambulatory. Max didn't walk.

I tried to explain to my trainer why I couldn't process the claim. I had the hardest time getting any words out. It's a wheelchair. My son's wheelchair still sits in my bedroom. I miss him so much. Tomorrow is his birthday. He never made it to 20. It really, really sucks that he is gone.