The Art of Meaningful Conversation

A week ago I sat live in the CLE recording studio (ie. my office) and broadcast one of my favorite talks on the Art of Meaningful Conversation.  For those of you out there who couldn’t tune in live, or hadn’t heard about it in the first place- you’ve got one more chance to listen to it!  I had a blast researching the topic, I mean, I went to grad school for this!  I also had a blast (and you’ll be able to hear it in the recording) broadcasting!

Treat yourself to the best half hour possible and watch this video! And if you like this one be sure to checkout recordings of all the past webinars I’ve done as well!

Thanks everyone again for all of your support-
Andrew

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Do you remember this classic Seinfeld bit where Kramer is cast in an upcoming Woody Allen movie as an extra who delivers a line in the movie.  As Kramer so often does he slides into Jerry’s apartment to share the news and Jerry, Elaine and George each take turns hearing, interpreting and delivering the line with varying degrees of success.  If you’ve got no idea what I’m talking about check out the clip here, because by no means am I doing it justice.

Now, in a lot of ways I’m like Kramer.  I’ve got this line I was given and repeat it to myself again and again trying to get it to sound just right. I think too, if we’re honest, we all have these lines that play in our heads, you know those lines that seem seductive and true yet rarely lead to nourishment or life giving activities. Many schools of psychology have studied these types of thoughts- Alfred Adler would call them mistaken beliefs, Albert Ellis might call them distorted cognitions, and in spiritual terms it might be seen as spiritual warfare.  No matter what you call it there’s a pervasive voice inside that just seems to whisper innocuously crippling phrases.  When I’m in the midst of these types of thoughts I’m really in a bind.  Logically I know they’re not true and really don’t hold all that much weight, but when they are spinning around trapped in my head, they seem to take on a life of their own.

A dear friend of mine once said that until you name the fear it has a power all to its own.  Once named, that same looming fear shrinks to a manageable size; it loses some of its venom.  To put it in Adlerian terms, once I recognize that the belief upon which I’m operating is likely a mistaken belief- one borne out of fear, scarcity and insecurity, I can then choose to re-write the script and shift to a belief that is more nourishing and empowering.  My classic line, said in a pouty voice is, “nobody gets me.”

I have historically felt like a victim with the thought running through my head that nobody gets me, no one understands me, no one believes me or in me.  (I wish there was a font for whining so you could hear the point I’m making) I have been trained as a master complainer and learned to get attention by whining instead of more nourishing means.  I am just now beginning to learn the life-giving tools of personal responsibility, of aliveness and telling the truth.

A part of taking personal responsibility for my life has been in revisiting some of these old lines that run in my head and looking at them with a fresh set of eyes.  Just as Jerry, Elaine and George all emphasize different parts of the pretzel line, I’m beginning to see that as I expose my mistaken belief to more and more people I am allowing for different interpretations on what I had taken to be fact.

Now when I hear that voice inside whisper nobody gets you.  I hear it very differently.  Whereas I once thought it meant that no one understands me, I’m seeing very clearly that it could just as easily mean that I don’t give much if any of myself to other people.  So in that sense nobody really does get me, my aliveness, my energy, my strengths, my weaknesses, my personality, my emotions, me!  In fact the more willing I am to share me in relationships the more I find that people truly get and understand me! It turns out that moping and whining about what I didn’t have (understanding) was really just a charade that was keeping me from giving myself more freely in relationships!

At some level it was easier to believe that no one gets me than to instead add the last part of the sentence saying, no one gets me because I don’t give that much of myself.  Owning that last part has made all the difference for me in wanting to be more authentic and wanting to be more open in relationships.  Now while I still have work to do in this area, I like the corner that I’m turning and the sense of control that comes with taking responsibility and ownership for my runaway thoughts.  And just like Kramer who is using the support of his friends to help him with his line, I am using the support of a truth-telling community to help me test and re-work my mistaken beliefs.

This past weekend I was asked to speak at the 2012 InterVarsity Greek Conference in Indianapolis by my younger brother, a staff worker with Greek IV.  The talk was on Sex and Dating and I was speaking directly to over 100 college aged Fraternity and Sorority members who also happen to be Christian.  The organization itself, Greek IV is a fantastic ministry that desires to reach a new generation of leaders who are both Christian and Greek!

For me it was a great opportunity to begin a conversation about sex, healthy sexuality, and dating in a way that was meaningful and deep.  I also took it as an opportunity to share my story and my college experiences around dating.  The partnership between Greek IV and my experience as a therapist at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment have uniquely informed my thoughts on the topic of Sex and Dating.  The link below will take you to the audio from the session recorded live on Saturday 2/18/12 at 3:30pm in the afternoon.  Click play below to hear my thoughts on dating and healthy sexuality:

Everyone knows that February 14th is Valentine’s Day.  Has been for years, and will be for years.  What most people don’t know is that Singles Awareness Day (SAD) occurs on the exact same day!  As couples rush around getting cards, flowers, and planning romantic dates, it’s easy for singles to feel left out of the celebration.  In years past when I have been single, I would avoid the emotions that Valentine’s Day seemed to stir by staying busy.  Either that, or I’d whine.

Hallmark Doesn’t Make a Card for This:
When I was in a good place and feeling grounded, I would use this time of year to reflect on my past relationships.  I’d spend time journaling and thinking about what worked and didn’t work as well as what I had learned, and how I had grown since then.  Other times I would see it as a time to connect with the friends I really cherish, the close friendships that we all enjoy.  But in all reality, more often then not my experience would look like this:

Come mid-February, I would be deeply upset yet without words to talk about how I was feeling.  Don’t worry though, I found other, ways to communicate that I was upset. I’d be crabby and irritable with people who were in healthy relationships and have snide comments for the people who weren’t.  You know that ache that arises when your hungers for more connection and intimacy are not being met? The one we dull with all sorts of distractions and defense strategies?  That’s what I had- a bad case of it too!

The Blame Game:
By ignoring my upset and my hunger, I missed out on an opportunity to grow.  Instead of digging into my upset I chose to ignore it and blame others for my distress. Were I to own the sadness or the pain I was feeling I feared being incapacitated or swallowed whole. Though my strategy was to avoid my pain and preserve my sense of self- what it ended up doing was to further isolate me by driving people away. I ended up being worse off and in more pain following my ineffective strategy for self-preservation than if I had just taken ownership for my feelings and been responsible in my actions.

Feeling sad and longing for more in my life is not really a bad thing. In fact, though at times uncomfortable, feeling that way is something that I am learning to embrace rather than dismiss.  Let me say it this way, instead of feeling single, sad, and victimized by Valentine’s Day, I can choose to tap into that sadness and hunger for relationship and powerfully use it to help shape an inspiring picture of how I want current and future intimacy to be.

What’s your Vision:
To that end, I am developing a powerful vision for myself that encompasses the types of relationships I want to have.  It goes something like this:

I am a man who dreams and achieves what he desires while seeking relationships built on authenticity, mutuality and respect.  In partnership with my spouse we will intimately challenge one another to live big, enriched, empowered, and abundant lives that positively impact the world.  

By using the hunger I have for deeper relationship, and transforming the pain of my wounded past into purpose, I can tap into a more powerful vision of what I want my future to be.  Once February 15^th rolls around and the Hallmarky-ness of Valentine’s Day wears off I want to be left with a vision that inspires me to strive for a relationship that I will be proud to celebrate every day of the year, not just on February 14^th!

Whether you are married or single, what type of life do you want to create for yourself?  What is your vision for a healthy relationship with a spouse or significant other?  What actions steps and support do you need to take to get there?

During our weekly staff meeting at CLE we were watching this above interview with author John Kotter on the importance of urgency.  It struck me as I was watching, and as I’ve been coming out of a motivational slump myself that a strong sense of urgency makes the world go round.  The way Kotter explains it is that a sense of urgency ebbs and flows, and yet the organizations that seem to keep a consistent level of- this needs to get done- as a part of their culture are the ones that tend to be most successful.

After watching the clip, as you might imagine a group of therapists would, we had a meaningful discussion about what that looks like for us personally as well as professionally.  Coincidentally last night, I was talking about urgency with my friend and didn’t even realize it!  I was talking, perhaps bordering on complaining, about feeling flat and complacent in my life and thinking what I could do about it.  Expressing openly like that allowed me to step into a different reality and feel a bigger sense of aliveness and motivation to keep pushing forward personally and professionally.

Kotter’s talk on urgency reminded me of my football days as well. My college coach used the phrase that we need to play with a sense of urgency.  Times when we, as a team, would come out flat, lifeless, and stiff were times when we were comfortable, complacent, or entrenched in fear.  Game time could be a scary time, but it didn’t need to be.  When I got my head in the game, usually after taking a big hit from a defensive lineman, I was in the game and ready for the fight.  In that scenario my sense of urgency came from, if I don’t do my job and do it to the fullest, this guy across from me is going to keep me from getting what I want– a touchdown!  Urgency for me came from a combination of anger about having something I wanted taken away (gained yardage) as well as a sense of excitement about the reward and joy that comes with winning the game.  By harnessing my anger and excitement, instead of relying on one or the other, allowed me to feel that sense of urgency and act.

Towards the end of the clip, Kotter begins to talk about complacency.  Now I’ll paraphrase here, but he contends that complacency is the killer of urgency.  Once a company or a person becomes comfortable, that instinct and drive for more slows down.  They stop taking outward risks for fear of losing what they have accumulated thus far.  This happened all the time in football as well.  We’d get to beating a team by a comfortable margin by halftime, only to be in the midst of a dogfight in the final minutes of a game that could have been a blowout.  This still happens to me today.  I get ahead, coast, and then wonder why I’m suddenly behind in many areas of my life.

Realistically, this looks like taking successes as an opportunity to go for more and not sit back to celebrate by taking a break.  Say I have a call with a potential client that goes really well.  My ‘celebration‘ in my new urgency mindset would be to get right back on the phone and make a call, have another conversation, and close another deal.  And then celebrate again by picking up the phone and doing it all over again.  Basically, anything that keeps that momentum alive and flowing is a good thing. And conversely, anything that slows or halts momentum is a bad thing– taking it easy is a bad thing.

Maybe you can relate to me on this.  My historic mindset is, I’ve been working hard and so I deserve a break!  In a life of complacency this mindset works… Not so living a life of urgency however.  An urgent mindset would say, I’ve been working hard, how can I continue to use this positive momentum I’m generating to accomplish even more!  A sense of urgency keeps life interesting, and keeps me on my cutting edge of growth and development.  I am grateful for the immense amount of support I have in my life and grateful for the opportunities to continually learn, develop, and grow.

The Caveman Plan
I’ve been doing the Whole30 food challenge since the first week in January and I have been both surprised and delighted by what I have been experiencing so far.  The plan makes eating pretty simple, not sure what to have? Think of what a caveman had available to him and that will tell you what your diet consists of.  Fruits, vegetables, meats, seafood, nuts and seeds, and that’s it! Simple right… well until you read the fine print.  No dairy, grains, or processed foods with added sugar allowed- just plain, old-fashioned whole foods.

I knew this was going to be a serious undertaking, but I don’t think I understood quite the gravity of it until I began.  And in the time that I would have spent mindlessly grazing on candy and sweets, I am instead learning and applying 3 key concepts into my life:

1)   A little discipline goes a long way! – Maybe you’ve heard the saying a rising tide lifts all ships.  While it is usually applied to economics and people’s financial situation, I am seeing that it fits with discipline as well.  Since committing to doing the food challenge, I have noticed changes in many areas of my life.  Instead of being lazy with my meals, I have taken more responsibility for what food I am putting into my body.  Doing so requires me to plan my meals, my shopping, my snacking and my life- I can’t simply order Thai food on my way home from Northbrook and call it a night!  In reorienting my life around my food and eating habits I have seen improvements in other areas as well.  My other disciplines- exercise, quiet times, rest, and therapy at CLE- have all been improving as well. Now that I’m writing this I’m thinking that it probably didn’t even matter what I had committed to to see an increase in discipline in my life. I think the simple act of committing to and intending to succeed has made the difference.

2)   You are what you eat! – I have been putting dense, natural, raw, and good-for-you foods into my body, and guess what—I can feel the difference.  I had been like a high-octane engine running on low octane fuel– No longer! The higher quality foods that I’m consuming, I’m seeing the more energetic and alive I become.  No more morning sluggishness or afternoon sugar withdrawals, I have felt more resilient, more capable, and just plain healthier.  I have felt good about myself the past couple of weeks- and all I have had to change has been my diet and my mindset around what it looks like to really take good care of myself.  As I’ve felt better about my food choices, I’ve felt better about myself.  And as I feel better about myself, I am more excited to take better and better care of myself.  Sounds strange but by eating good-for-me foods, my attitude and patterns of self-care have become good-for-me as well!

3)   Make it taste good! – No one said that just because I am on a food challenge means that I have to eat boring and tasteless food. I have noticed I have the tendency to make things harder for myself than they need to be. I mean a challenge isn’t a challenge unless its hard, right, and in my mind, the harder it is, the more of a challenge, and the more I can brag about it afterwards…  So I embellish a little bit here, deprive myself of certain things there and… viola… I have an ironclad, drama-induced look at me type story that misses the point of the challenge entirely. In reality though, the challenge is about me finding new and creative ways to make my life taste better not only through the foods I am choosing to eat, but also in the activities I am choosing to do, the friendships I am choosing to develop, and the attitude I am choosing to have while doing it all.  I have the choice to make my life taste good or not, and ironically enough, limiting what I eat gives me more freedom to appreciate the many different flavors in my life.

]]> http://askmerce.com/the-caveman-plan/feed 4 http://askmerce.com/band-aids-dont-work http://askmerce.com/band-aids-dont-work#comments Tue, 17 Jan 2012 17:52:51 +0000 http://www.askmerce.com/?p=575

Band-Aids don’t work.  A few years back a colleague of mine and I co-wrote a two-part series on sex, dating, hooking up, and friends with benefits.  At that point though I knew the words to write about my hypotheses, I had not really been impacted in a direct way by those lifestyle choices.  That all changed a few weeks back when a friend of mine had confessed to recently sleeping with more people than she cared to admit and that it was becoming more and more of an issue in their life.

I was taken aback.  I would not have guessed that this was going on, and as I caught myself beginning to overreact, I decided instead to take a few breaths to remain calm.  I asked questions.  I got more information.  As I did, I was reminded of the articles I had previously written.  Like a scientist in the midst of an experiment, my untested hypotheses were coming to life before my eyes.  Though unlike a scientist, I wasn’t excited. Instead my heart began to sink.  While I like to be right, in the face of the pain and confusion that this person was facing, I was wishing I had been wrong.

I listened non-verbally as her eyes shared with me the regret and remorse that she felt. At the same time her words were confusing. Her flippant almost a so-what attitude betrayed what her body was clearly saying.  It was as if she was teetering between blissful denial, and the sobering reality of her decisions.  What I often forget is that this lifestyle of random sex, unfulfilled hungers, and empty relationships is actually quite common. Probably more common than my naive self wants to realize.

The more that we talked her thick shell of denial began to crack, and I saw the tenderness and brokenness underneath.  In that moment, though I may have historically wanted to judge or punish, I instead felt compassion.  I felt tender. Even though this is not my particular struggle, I have my own version of brokenness and pain in need of healing.  And the brokenness that both my friend and I share is far too deep to be fixed by the Band-Aid of advice, story telling, or judgment.

I offered my friend the same thing that I so often want to receive from others when I am feeling sad, angry, scared, and caught in the grips of shame- understanding.  I offered suppport. I offered a willingness to share in the moment. I offered her the space to express without judgment for what she was saying.  I was with her in her struggle and yet keenly aware that though I can relate to being broken and experiencing pain, her story is not my own.

Instead of taking on my friend’s pain and robbing her of the opportunity to work through it, I allowed my own memories to surface of the areas in which I feel a similar level of pain.  The whole experience was a great reminder for me because I would have historically wanted to fix my friend and not see it instead as an opportunity to promote my own healing, even if ever so briefly, by letting my thoughts drift to my own areas of struggle.

The hidden side of life is the co-voyaging that happens with friends traveling through life’s hurts together- learning from, supporting, and challenging one another along the way. The mutual approach to life that I choose to take has been greatly influenced by my work as a therapist.  At CLE, the counseling center where I work, the staff believes that as therapists we are no better than the clients that we see.  We believe that mutuality in relationship is among the most important factors to seeing change, growth, and transformation to occur for both client and therapist!

By owning that reality of what works professionally and taking that to my personal relationships, I allow myself to be touched, transformed, and changed in ways that I would have previously overlooked.  I allow healing to occur at a much deeper level than simply looking for a Band-Aid handout of advice for my problems.  I am hungry for more closeness in my personal relationships and have tasted what that is like through my professional work.  The more I am in situations to risk being fully vulnerable and more fully alive, the more likely it is that that hunger for closeness I have will be met through relationship with others.

Were you one of those kids who paid attention to which side of Santa’s list you were going to be on each year?  Naughty or Nice?  According to the song:

He (Santa) see’s you when you’re sleeping.
He knows when you’re awake.
He knows if you’ve been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake.

I’m not sure if that’s intended to inspire kids to be their best selves, or to just guilt them to be good…or else.  For a kid though, that motivation works.  Its simple, clear, and direct.  If you’re not good you won’t get presents.  End of story.

There was one year I got coal for Christmas.  Not as my only present.  I wasn’t that bad, but sitting in the Street Fighter II video game box was a lump of coal instead of the game cartridge.  A few days earlier my sister had caught me cheating and looking at the presents my mom not-so-carefully hid in her room.  As much as I liked to act surprised Christmas morning, I liked much more knowing what I was going to get.  Actually, for me part of the fun of Christmas was to see how many presents I could find out about without getting caught.

Here I was though, caught red-handed.  As the rest of my family looked on as I excitedly opened the game only to be caught off guard by what was inside.  I felt the rush of shame.  My face getting flush red while that prickly feeling took over my whole body.  When I was sneaking a peek at my presents, I wasn’t paying attention to Santa or any one else’s prohibition to be good, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, and didn’t want to get caught in the process.  I also didn’t want it to be revealed that I was so hungry for presents, hungry for affirmation, and hungry to be seen.

You see, in my mind if I got what I asked for then it meant that someone was listening to me, that someone cared, and that someone wanted me to be happy.  Growing up in the middle of a tribe of four kids, I wasn’t always rock-solidly assured that the above things were in fact true.  Actually for many years I have lived under the mistaken belief that they weren’t true- that no one listens to me, no one cares about me, and no one wants me to be happy.  As a result of believing those mistaken beliefs I concluded that I was bad.  If I were good, then people would listen, care, and want me to be satisfied not pampered.

I am beginning to see that the conclusions I drew, based on the limited and inaccurate information I had access to as a child have followed me into adulthood.  There are times I catch myself slipping back into that outdated belief, and truly imagine that I am, as I often was in my family, invisible.  I am coming to see however that this just isn’t true, and am getting better at picking out when I am thinking that about myself.

Developmentally, most kids need the simplicity and concreteness of things being good or bad.  Children don’t develop the capacity to tolerate the ambiguities of life until later in their development.  Instead, they rely on the structure and safety that black and white labels provides.  As adults however, few of us have, at a heart level, re-examined the things we once labeled as good and bad, nor have we taken the time to do a more accurate sort based on updated information  Had I not taken another look at the coal for Christmas story of my childhood, I may never have challenged the belief that I am bad, that no one listens to me, cares about me, or wants me to be happy.

So what old stories and beliefs are you holding onto that may need to be updated and looked at in a new adult light?

Believe it or not- I do take requests on my blog articles and, some of my favorite posts have been suggested to me by my friends.

I know its been a few weeks since the 2011 Chicago Marathon, but before too much more time elapsed, I really wanted to capture my thoughts in writing and share them with all of you.  This was the third marathon that I’ve run and in some ways it seems like I’ve run a million, and in others it felt like the first one.  After reflecting on this year’s race, I am walking (or limping) away with two key concepts.