My Story - ASPDIRES

THE END

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 11:06:00 -0700

its feels been years since i passed a beautiful time with u
things arent going good enough for me .......
.she ponders over her wish her desire to be free or its the wish to keep
me away from her life ?
each day i die within myself trying to judge a right ....n end up getting lost in there .....i control myself thats how i
keep everything a secret

i dnt wanna add on to her diificulties by making others decide her will against mine as a judgement that she cheats
i really wanted her to have an option to leave like this had never happened
no one ...no one would ever get to know unless she told herself she knew
i cant be the trouble of her life if she tries to move on with a life without me ...........

dates back time , a life simply grown in love and affection that sincerely drives a boy crazy for a girl
but the fact is the boy is me and the girl is her .

i try to keep her in my eyes everytime , think of her everyday but somewhat in me drives question against my existence

these all grow and die in my mind each day ........it feels like its part n parcel of my daily life now

i wonder what gets me here in the land of dead and what m i doing here ......waiting for something to happen
its been quite a long time .....i spend times and life like this waiting for that lady to step down to this place to turn back
the wish prophecy so that i can go back to my world or complete my journey

a person comes up from nowwhere , some kind of a weird
he asks me is this the bus stop ?

i said just go away it isnt

he settles down as if i was making a fool out of him .

i wonder bus stop by the riverside .......what wud make buses move on the surface of river and i laughed

the person looked at me ......and asked have i shared aome interesting fact with u ?

i laughed looking at him and said really not .....

r u waiting for something to come over ?
he asked noticing my surroundings ......do u live here ?

i said nope , just spending my vacations at this lonely place ....waiting for the vacations to end

things arent that easy son , the much u hide , the much it hurts

what does that mean ? i enquired

u want things to go your way ?
dnt u ?
he asked

i felt helpless cause i had nothing to answer
i was confused .....am i self-obsessed or not ?

everything in the world isnt a bounty to ur greed son , some things are just there to make u believe that u still
miss something even if u think u have everything

move on ......gift others their will and step away from blocking paths to showing ways
that may be the way u can make things affect u less

i wonder that happens to get understood to u .........so that it may help u take a bill of your goods and bads

its time i shall leave
i had taken much of your time ......
anyways it was nice meeting u ...........

his thoughts punched me so hard that i thought of giving him something back
so hold him up saying
is your bus around ?
u may stay until it comes running over the surface i said while i pointed a farther point of the river bank i veiwed

no my friend i may take a leave .......by the way the bus is here .....he said
as he pointed to the point i showed to him

i saw a bus moving over the surface of water and to what my surprise the old man and the bus both vanished in seconds
to my dreams

it was hectic to think over what the old man called on , but it drives a feeling of goodness everytime one of those thoughts
passed by .

was it me ?
was it her ?
who is to be blamed ?

i wanted to be with her for the rest of my life but she didnt wanted to be tied to a relationship
she gave no reasons for her wish

was i wrong ? when i thought of loving her ?

maybe i was .....maybe she felt i wasnt right for her , maybe she wondered she may find a lot better partner than me
maybe that time wasnt right for me ......

every time i used to be with her ....all she made me believe was to fear
cause she never cleared what she wanted and why

maybe she could have forgotten me as her worst nightmare.

may be the old man ......was right
she maybe the only person i ll wish forever to have in my life
n may miss her absence in my life

all my thoughts grew against me ......as if i was the one who take her away from me ......maybe it would have been one
of the reasons that i projected myself bad
but i was never be that kind of person

i feel regretted about that i now hold no chance of telling her that i love her very much ....
i regret loosing a sight of her even more .......

it started to rain then .....the drops fell as if they made the heavy sky ........
the drops touched a part of me ....as if was my desire .......

they didnt seemed to be rain drops but all the moments i wished to make her mine ........
now they had no possibilities so they fell from the sky ......
let the sand may engrave them till the time it comes back as a wish from some other mind .......

even i felt i never existed , i was also made up of all those moments i believed i could have spend with her
so now the time came that i should end up this sail

i silently took her name .......and broke up into a trail of water that mixed with the river .....to draw the line between the good
and the bad .......
the good ( the lady ) that moved over the surface .
the bad , the dark the lay in the bed of the river secretly ..........

THE END ............

viewpoint .....

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 09:39:00 -0700

something are hard to understand when being small ...that y restrictions tend to take over most of our life ....as being the necessary part of our life .....which is not the fact

therez nothing good in this world we can blindly trust on.......elders tend to restrict our lives on the basis of their own experiences ......but they tend limit the experiences or the chances that life gives us to learn

whatever i m going through now is my fruit , i sowed
i remember an incident .....
i m alone in my room......away from sunlight ..in the arms of dark....no one knew about my whereabouts
i closed up any contact with the outside world

my life tend to have delimited to a 4 faced wall .....place
i used to eat , sleep , study , look outside of the window to get my mind of her thoughts ......
i thought i was living my life normally with an exception that i had an experienced .

one day , something just turned my thoughts for a while...i was thinking about her .......while i was sitting next to the window in my room..........this usually tend to happen when i used to sit next to the window to focus on something other than her but end up involved in her and then crying......

a cute voice just hit the street ......when i looked out to enquire the abouts .......i saw a cute little girl
(about 6 months old ) watching down on the street through the spaces between those balcony boundary
grill

everything that used to happen in the street used to exite her ..........
standing next to her was her grandmother ........who used to keep an eye on the little girl
that used just be in her own world of happiness

roaming in the balcony or between the rooms adjacent to the balcony
her mother used to get her to the balcony and made her sit near her grandmother

it is so hard for her to see other play in the street but yet not be allowed to be one of them
its not her mistake but the thinking of her realtives that tend to rule her will

everyday she used to just see the others ......adding no good to her reality ......

i tend to be just like her at this stage.........with my past acting like the grandma
keeping an eye on the girl ( bounded as i am feeling after she left me )
tending to change the future which awaits in the street ..........

i just think one day she ll be able to step down and harden her wishes to break the doors that stop her and tend to give way to what she wants .......

she gives me confident way to see the light in the dark.....and belief that time has the power to change evrything ......if u got time then let time heal u .....coz therz no perfect doctor than time
:)

falling from the times ..........into ur heart i drank the curse of life

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 3 Apr 2011 01:14:00 -0700

somewhere between the brown dead leaves some light appeared .......i grabbed my hands to those to let me unfold that source of light ........that urged my attention

the light grew intense as i started to wriggle those dead lying leaves blocking the path of the light ....
as i haapened to meet my chase ......my eyes widened to my surprise n i wondered what had i ended up with
in front .........i couldnt chase any damn thought about it what could it be.......

i was already harrassed with my condition.....with this adding to my anxiety.....
every time i used to grab a look of it ......it made my condition worsen more n more .......cause the anxiety grew much intensed ........

i thought of getting out of all my despair ......and opting for something that could occupy me ......
i sat near the water body.....after a long time .......just as i settled ....all that had happened connected to it
strucked my mind........she revisted my thoughts again........
i dont wanna remember those moments cause they dnt shine any more.......there source of light ended
so must they go.......

twoc voices come from the background grabs attention.........one is me and the other a person on the other side of the phone line.........

me : is this ****** ?

str : yes

me : may i talk to ************** ?

str : may i knw ur name ?

me : >......

this is a very normal phone conversation .......whats new to that ?
i knw that must be going through ur mind ........but what if i couldnt grab onto words while conversation
when i called her .......
her father used to usually pick up the phone.........i used to tremble and my tongue fumbled
i used to write what i had to say ......and prepare before i called ....so as to mark my impression on her and her accompanies .........

i was a little child at that time ......who was afraid to converse in any language on phone......i felt shy
or i was too afraid of it

maybe my shyness adding to my weaknesses .......but i hate to define it more now ......

i used to fell of my own words in front of her .......my words used to stand-alone in the conversation

......maybe that added to my this condition...

y she always vists me again n again.........

i got back to my senses and found myself in front of the light source.........i couldnt recollect to the linking sources ........to what i had just experienced ..........what was it ?

i broke that into pieces .......and crushed it to my strength......
and moved away.........

just then some steps broke the silence of my despair .......with no attention from my side .......
i just added some more steps away...and tried to carry on..........

but a hand tried to reach for those broken pieces and a thought touched my heart
" i love u"

i crushed a piece from the broken ones .......clinged to my shoe......and crushed to move on....

i dnt believe in love anymore ...........

the world is too small for me now

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 7 Feb 2011 07:12:00 -0800

love has never been good on my part .....
it has left me in pain to cry

i have been taking life too easily that laid me down amond these dead leaves
things r having life but they r different from what lies in ur world

i cant get her off my thoughts , things r just going in their vicinity .
i look for my image in mirror but it does not show me what i m else it showes me a summary
of my journey .
i feel i ll just broke down into pieces seeing how i spent those days with u

even when i knw i never owned u , i feel i had a bond with u..... u liked walking paths with me
n i loved spending time with u
if things would have been simple ......my life wont have complicated to this extent .

i can see u .......i can feel u but cant touch u .......i just feel like ur mirror image or ur shadow
who is with u but can only be felt......

i think abt u ....

memories take me back to that day
ur mood wasnt good for a reason........i asked but u resisted
i hated the way u resisted me , keeping all what u should have shared with me
keeping it to urself

something was keeping u upset , maybe a dream or reality or some fear
i didnt knew but i could feel ur heart beat
something wen i felt made me to cry inside
n i didnt knew what it was

i continuously asked u to share ur problem with me
but after many tries u broke ur silence
it was him again which was hurting u badly , making me bow in front of his existence
to get u back
i felt so damn bad .......even my presence cant keep u happy n i call myself ur lover
okk its good , it was good that u never said yes to me
atleast i have a reason to safeguard my love saying u were never mine
maybe u never felt that happy with me or maybe u felt shame in calling me yours

u continued on my request to u
he is sad
yesterday he called but i couldnt pick up
but wen i called back he didnt answered
maybe he was angry on my not taking his call

i smiled but that to hide those tears from my eye that were ready to fall down
okk
i couldnt see u sad , i wanted to cheer u up
make u feel happy n solve ur problem

u knew it ached somewhere badly in me
but i resisted to show u those cuts
i wanted it to blead , blead n blead more
as it wont pain that way

i broke down the conversation off from u , saying gud nyt
i laid on my bed ....still in pain
i closed my eyes n tried to forget what all happened

still i could feel pain even with my eyes closed
i grabbed a hand full of soil from the ground ..........

it found those gaps between my fingers to escape
typical my love kind mentality
who escaped the similar way from my life

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 2 Feb 2011 05:14:00 -0800

i am standing there all by me ........the things , the lives all attached to me r now gone
they dont own me now and i dnt owe anything to them

i keep my mind ticking passing by all the memories i had ....a love could not have done
that bad to anyone else regarding the fact

HOW MUCH I LOVED U
N HOW MUCH U LOVED USING ME

I live here on a trail of dead leaves supporting my soul so far .....till they end up into ashes
at least they wont leave me until they die just like me who loved u till i lived

i hate going back into those dark corners of my heart......that used to be the most appreciating part
of my heart .......i just didnt gived up untill i had nothing left to loose

all ur love , all the feelings i had for u .....got bruised in my ashes that combined neither the trail
of my life nor of my true love for u .......but was of all u showed me , faking about the love i had

i hate hearing ur cries for others in front of me......i just didnt got to know that either i hold
any importance in ur life that i may find a reason to make u care about me

i still remember that day
u met me on facebook after a long time , i missed the way we used to share our lives on a small
pop -up window
our life , our routine , our talks of nowhere all got summarized in a small window
i needed u too stay with me , talk all abt the routines , how we passed our time
that day i really found in a strange mood , i never met u online that way .......
even my talks didnt pleased u
u were afraid of something or were involved in thinking about something very close to ur heart
i wished it not to be the 2nd option , if it wasnt me

your arrogance crushed me harder into me .......i hope i had to bravely fight that evil to
set free my loving angel again

after my consecutive strives to win over to resistence to be conservative on the issue
u broke out
now i think i may not have asked u to speak on that , but i could neither see u that way
hurting urself , playing with ur mind and ruining ur environment and happiness in u

your voice broke a million second silence on the issue .......u typed , typed and erased
n then again typed
maybe u couldnt collect what all u needed to say or u were of my reaction on it

u told me u were actually mad at something that was not letting take a sigh of relief
it was about ur friend being disturbed after broking up with someone (one of ur friends abt
whom i never heard from u , nor i was interested in it ) he was shattered and couldnt collect
himself abt how to let the things move on.....he was really hurted and so were u
and so was me......the same boy whoz name u took many times before .... and i usually falled a J
for it
i could feel ur feelings for him or i could feel u disturb for him for which i think was
more than normal
may be i was the only one among others who remained refrained from that care
but if given a chance i may have told u that all i did it all away to have u to go to
give it all away to have u to come onto .

i was not the one for u that was all u made me realized all the time ........
that became the truth of my life .......

" I wished u helped me to overcome u "
i may have tried to turn ur life into a loving dream'
may be u lost the path towards to me
or maybe u happened to leave me there
where i m today .

THE END was of my life not me ..........

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 09:57:00 -0800

people say " there is no life after death"...........but i didnt believed in it "
when i closed my eye...............i heard people approaching by ...........lifting up.......and crying ........i had some life still left in me
but i wanted to die ......i waited to breath last ......and wanna experience the other world beyong this.......

i open my eyes among the brown dead leaves surrounding me.......and the brown grass surrounding me from top to bottom .....
i was at the same place ......but i couldnt feel the same ...........as i was feeling that day..........i went towards the lake (the water body)
and sat like i was sitting that day.........
the sun seemed so beautiful today........the rays were dancing on everything it touched and made it glowed........i saw an old man passing
by ......the road whistling loud .....aloud ......could be heard from a distance ........i ran towards him and called him by those common
adjectives we used for the strangers .........but he didnt paid attention to my call ........may be he was too much involved in himself that he couldnt
hear me..........
i moved to the place i was sitting .........it was great to sit there ........as i felt as the part of the environment , the surroundings of that
place ........its so damn beautiful and so peaceful......that anyone could spent a quality alone time there .......

till i had forgot what had happened that day..........i was all enjoying what was i seeing , all alone at that place far from the city
to which i belonged ........i had mountains facing my side ........the water body glittering the pearl rays of the sun .

i clearly heared the step of someone visiting the place .......the place 's silence was broken ......it attracted all my attention towards it.....
the leather boots .......were first seen when i turned back to look at it......the branches of the trees came in my view of her face....
a beautiful hand moved those branches away and i saw a girl ......and i was amazed ......she was her , the girl who loved me....
a smile came on her face ........i was happy she saw me .....and happy seeing me ........all in front of her .....she moved towards me
and i came to strengthen in the belief of her love for me .......i wished why didnt i came across her love before........i was lost in the
time when i first saw her ........we met on a social network site and certainely it turned it way to our hearts ......but i couldnt love her
because i had no beleif in love after what ******** did to me , she was the first and the only love of my life .......so i steped back from
her......but it was the the mistake i am regretting today..........i am all alone today ....but she has come to accompany me....

she came and sit just next to the place where i was standing .......there were only her , me and the lake close to the each other ....
she looked up just at me ......and smiled .........and i smiled me
she took out a photograph of me from her bag ........and kept it close to his heart .....i could the warmness of her love in me.....
she weeped and large drops of tears started from her eyes ..........i kneeled down to console her and know what has happened .....
i kept my hand on her shoulder .......she felt my presence .........and heard my words i said to her .............
i tried to wipe those tears falling from her eyes .........i bent to take some water from the lake to make her wash her face ......
but when my fingers touched the surface of the water body ..........they could penetrate it.........they lie at the surface of the water body ....and it made
run down my memory to try to figure out .......what would have happened...........even the girl was surprised to se that ......she got
afraid of my presence .........but i didnt knew myself what had happened ........how could i console her ......
then it struck my mind .........the girl i saw that day .......could walk on the surface of water ..........

i just asked to myself .............." TO WHICH WORLD DO I BELONG "........?

THE END ........that summarized things in me

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 07:37:00 -0800

   life took a turn when i was not preprared for it
     it turned n turned for no good , when i wanted it to be constant
   it ruined me , nearly killed me ......but the strength in me is still alive but the love has disappeared


i am sitting at the bank of a river body ........on a cold night looking at a ball size moon in that star .....whose comparison i used to do with her
i used to insult it before her in her comparison .......now i feel even though she is not with me.........still the moon is by side to share the pain ...and drive some light into my dark life.......i feel so damn cold outside
but the fire in me is keeping me alive..........the day it turned off either i am gonna get some love to hold onto or will have a un -errectful death ...

a friend walked towards me from the group having bornfire nearby .........i dont wanna indulge in any gathering .......i wanna be alone , left to myself , deviding myself into the good n bad.......
the people dont know me n get me wrong ............they think i am bad then let it be.........kill the good i have in me.........and ending what i was having in me before

THE END OF WHAT I WAS BEFORE .......I WANNA BE BAD ....I WANNA BE DIFFERENT

the friend put the hand on my shoulder as i sighed .........i cleaned my eyes as he settled beside me..........first he asked what happened ........i said it does not matter what happened , but it matters what can happen
.....i threw a stone in the water.........he left me alone ...but before going he said have u met ur best friend ? i said ...... ? then he said yes
then i replied no ..........u know he proposed her ..........i turned back to him..........i saw in his eyes ........"yes , its true
but i said she as committed to someone else ........then he said he dont know anything about that but that was told to him by the ....... himself . i didnt paid attention to him ......i said he must be joking
but he couldnt tell a lie because he was my friend too.........

i continued back to see the sky , the stars n the moon ..........my friend took a turn back tto the gathering ..........i was sitting on the banks and the surroundings were very noisy .........coz of the noise of the insects
, etc which were present in the surroundings ...............

i moved back in my life again...
the moon took a turn away hiding itself in the sky ..........behind those clouds that covered the black sky of the night........like i transgressed my love , the clouds transgressed its cover over the sky .
i thought of her reply ........i imagined him with her.....and how he may have proposed her .......i feel so helpless as i cant do anything .....i cant blame my friend nor the girl.....for the love i loved ...as he and she both
least cared about it.........it turned the evil inside me to overpower my body n mind.......

i was sitting there , steady at one place for a long time when called up for the dinner by my friends .........i forgot their presence in my surroundings.......i ate up my dinner and head towards my place where i have been
spending my loniless for so long........i headed my foot and a sweet voice stopped me from behind .......arsh , wait ...........i stopped i turned and saw a beautiful face with a sweet smile waiting for my attention
she enquired about where was i going........i told her just a little more time alone there ..........u all carry on.........my friends say that she had crush on me .....to which i had just one answer what she would get
from the remains of a dead life .........all it would be just expectations of turning things normal back again but that was impossible..........
i have already travelled a lot on the road that i chosed that i cant come back again to from where i had started it..........i settled down at my place .......i could feel knew .......the water having more rings than before
and the breeze flew around and on the top of the water body.........i saw that the moon had came out of the cover.......i turned back into my life to see her face , her smile .......that still mesmorized the soul
inside me.........

a hand rested on my shoulder ............the girl again.........she came to accompany me........she knew everything as all my friends knew it..........i sighed as she settled beside me .......but i couldnt hide my tears from her
.......she tried to crack jokes ....make me life but i always showed her my fake smile .......which she always get to know was fake.........
her sweet words said her name..........and for a while i felt like the breeze flew from me..........i could the coldness of the surrounding in me and the fire to have put off.......and i told her to please dont take her name
then she said why......why shouldnt i ......why does she matters to u even after knowing she doesnt care about u.........

i expressed my wish to hear her voice.........to which she dialed her number from her phone and turned on the speaker ...........she talked to her......as i heared her voice....it satisfied me.........
to the fullest .......she asked about her ......and about here and there ........i could feel the happiness in her voice ..........just before putting the end to the call , she said guess what happened today ?
to which we said what ?...........today ......... proposed me and i said yes...........the girl exclaimened with her fake happiness as the environment at our end turned more gloomy........she ended the call......
and my word could only sum up to thank her ( the girl ) ......seeing my position even she could stop sheading tears .........she tried to hold her tears up ......but she lost to them....
and ran back towards the camp..........i tried to stop her like she did before but couldnt gather my words .................no i felt that the air of the surroundings even passed through me..............
now i felt part of all what the surroundings contained........as the darkness in both lifes at present matched...........

a guy , a very gud friend of the girl sitting beside me came to me............and tried to blame me for something that i havent done.......he forcibly tried to hype the issue out of nothing...........
he blamed me for saying bad to the girl .........to which i didnt bothered to his words , his as usual blame game started to gather the attention of all that were present there........and tried to fight with me.....to which i
resisted .......he hit me .....i felt like i lost something ....................another hit on my back ..............and i felt over .......then he pulled me up ......parallel to himself and abused me........i really got angry and a punch
on her face got him down........with his mouth spitting blood........then he got up and he tried to punch me but was stopped by the girl which came and explained the situation and cleared up ........settling down the issue
and maintaining the privateness of the situation...........

every has preassumed me to be rude, stubborn and self obsessed .........but that wasnt true , it just that i have problems and difficulties with me ..........so i dnt want to affect others life so i stay alone
the environment back to normal ..........................one of my friends came up with a bottle and a towel to make me wipe off the blood on my face .............i got badly hurt more than that guy.........
i joined my hands to collect some water from the water body to splash it on my face ...........it felt me so refreshed and as i splashed the water onto my face........her sweet smile used to come in front of my eyes
and i stopped ........i wiped off ......and my friend make me remember what stupidness we used to committ during our childhood.......which made us feel embarrassed now......

a smile came on my face .........and tracing my friend back came his girlfriend............and hugged him from behind..........she sat down as we continued to share our childhood experiences with her ........
and she couldnt stop laughing .............

the moon moved beating the cover of the clouds making the night to move ahead............
its feel so good as i wrapped myself to keep me warm ...............suddenly someone came and unfold the blanket on me .........my sweet friend......sat behind me as we shared the same blanket .........
and shared what all we had about our memories .............

once in my chidhood..........i teased her a lot about her spectacles and her atttude ......she used to get highly irriated and used to ran behind me in the class and in the corridors and once was caught by the headmaster
who scolded her and that day i felt sorry for being so bad..........that time i was an idiot who didnt said sorry but now i felt like saying and apologising ..........to her about all what i did .........to which she exclaimed
wow .....u apologising.........its a news to me ...........after which we both laughed .........she offered me her hand to hold to make me move from that place towards her ...........it was night as we both felt sleepy
and all were getting ready to move in to our sleeping bags and take a long nap as we all were tired from the journey and the work we did all day.............especially we boys who carried all the heavy bags of the girls too
............

all were sleeping and the bornfire still lightening ........our shadows ...............the girl got up of her sleeping bag seeing me still awake ......... i heared my name called .........to which i saw her stood up.......
she came to me and apologised of what all happened because of her .......the fight and all ...........and she touched those scars on my face........and tried to wipe the blood stains unaware of the pain it caused but i was used to
pain in my life.....................

seeing me .......so hurted .....she couldnt resist her tears ....................she said i love u but i said plzzzz dnt , i have no emotion like love present in me........i am dead........she expressed her will to put life in to this
dead body....
u can heal the visible wounds but not the ones deep inside me................dnt make me live again .........coz i dnt have the strength to tackle the pain......
but i can still be your friend..............
she smiled but i could see in her eyes the pain she got .........i wish she gets a more loving guy in her life ahead .........as she moved back to sleep...........
lastly before leaving ...........she asked do u love me ?
to which i replied no............do u love her ?........i paused and made up my mind to say no.........and replied .......a fake smile gestured me through her face..........

the love tried to break the barriers but still lagged behind me ..............

i couldnt sleep...........the call conversation, her smile , her eyes , all moved in a queue inside my mind .........that didnt allowed me to sleep.............i moved out of my sleeping bag .......walked to my place again ......
and settled there ............i looked at moon for a while ...........

and then i couldnt stop imagning the scene of the two of them together , my desire and her new bf ..............she was happy but i was sad ..........she ahd love in her life again but i was lifeless

i felt as if i was in front of them ........just being an admirer of their love story............i imagined how may he have proposed her ........and how she may have reacted ........and how her smile would have grown big
hearing the same words which didnt mattered when came from my side ................
the moon moved ahead in the sky as the time passed .........

i fell asleep as i imagined .....................
a sudden noise caught my sense and i rubbed my eyes to see..............what made it originate..........i saw a girl walking on the water .............and moving swiftly towards the land .........she perched her foot on land
as i gathered my sense to believe it............i ran behind her ..........the success was not sure ..........as the woods and the surroundings had a fog cover .........i could sense her motion ........as she drived me
through the woods .............
she glided and moved in the woods and i was eager to catch her up and see what happened it to be..........what it can be .......awake so early in the morning .......with the light all around the place ....

she stopped and i moved slowly towards her and she said ............the end ............as i tried to turn her .............a vehicle hit me so badly that my body flew in air.......

struck so badly i landed on a rock bed ..........blood all around me ..........that time only her smile was all i could see .......i could see her secretly watching me from the arms of her boyfriend hiding her .......
and i felt as a tear would have fallen down from her eye ...........that could peace out the motion in me
and

"I CLOSED MY EYES "

Fourth Thought of Perception - Destroyed what was a part of me !!!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 09:27:00 -0700

some words i wrote for her
   which i couldn't explain to her in anyway

   things are not the case,
                                        that may be according to your wish
   nor they are according to mine.
   i feel for you but you don't
   that is enough to knock me down.

i wanted to keep the things as simple as possible but it took a turn next way .
i tried to bound you
with the boundaries of affection but your simplicity and practicality took it wrong .
now we are apart and the things are worst , though things can never be that way again ......but
i know i lost something that i cant have it again ......if you came back the things wont be the same
nor your return would now affect me in any way......
i burned down my heart that had the remains
of your love ......
and now only the noncollectable ,
unburden that remains .......dead like a body and
lifeless like the relation between us......

walking down those streets of my life .......( my life here i mean my daily routine ).......i see
many people holding themselves to their life essentials ......they are completely lost in them
unconcerned about there surroundings.......
on my way down i saw a girl hugging her boyfriend.......
she saw me staring at her while i was
heading actually now where........she saw me ..i saw her .....her eyes accompanied till the end of her
eye lash.......

i stood too see in her again......and i saw them watching me again......no fear no worry
just transmitting the vibes of love that she had .
i just closed my eyes .....
i stored it as a memory in me....that girl smiled seeing me open my eyes

i thought to continue ......leaving her with a smile and sweet gesture....
she just hide in those arms
enclosing her........

i continued with my life ahead.......streaming down the lanes to catch the bus that traveled to my place
i am still memorized and still don't know why i get back to her again......

those eyes i met made me feel so isolated ........
                                             so incomplete.......
i felt i couldn't be traced back again to
what i was.....
as i destroyed what was there as a part of me !!!

Third Thought of Perception-The Dream I Saw

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 7 Sep 2010 09:31:00 -0700

i was following my daily routine going to college and
coming back home ,going for coaching ,coming back

and having dinner and go to sleep

i never challenged my daily life unless it meant some change to make it count for days that i live

the words that people spoke behind my back never ever drew my concern on changing myself..

i love to be myself in the crowd and live it in a style of mine to the fullest .

one day a most tiring experience came ,
another watch-out , someone drew my focus away

a brown hair ,whitish face , blue eyes ......
simply an angel in disguise i saw at a place i could

never believe its presence on.....i used too think my college campus really as pathetic

and i could rarely found good looking creatures there but it made me surprise out.....and
sooner i found out that every guy on campus had a crush on her and wanted to be with her , i had a doubt that she didn't had any knowledge about that .

Everyday she used to enter the canteen area and move her eyes around

, i don't know for what reasons maybe to check who all are looking at her.....
she usually found me involved in my book which i used to carry with myself.......keeping me occupied .
She rarely looked at me unaware of me noticing her .
I don't had the guts to walk to her.....not because i didn't liked her but i knew
she had much better options opened for her other than me

So i did not wanted to complex the situation more........after some days a series of eye to eye contacts started ,
and after a while she left the college and took admission in a new college .

the story ended there.........

i found her ID on FB in some friends list , i was surprised that we had 10 mutual friends.

i sent her a friend request which she rejected..........

The last stroke was done

Now i thought to focus on my studies more which drive my concern as the exams were approaching.

The next two months i concentrated on my studies .

The day my exams ended really made me happy .

I really ended my night sleeps and slept only in the morning for few hours .

but one day my will to be awake at night falled and i got to sleep..........that they i was tired as i went to see places and enjoy with my family and friends.........

I used to wake up at 4 in the morning , however late i slept .
That day i woke up , felt thirsty so drank some water , i saw a novel lying on the floor , i opened it and the first page contained a message

“ to my love

from your love.........”

:):)

I thought where it did came from , did it belong to any of my friends that paid visit to me in the morning but none of them had any girlfriend ........so where the hell it came from .......i was so uninterested in

in knowing it sources but i eager to read its content ........

the book did lasted a 100 pages , which i got to know when i saw the last page

turning the pages in a rush did made me get more interested in reading out those lines that

covered the page of the book.........

still i was not interested in knowing from where the hell it came ........

i read a few pages and just went to sleep..........

i wanted to read more but lost it to sleep

i dreamed of being at a place of utmost beauty.......truely desiring truly magical

i took a look around , up and down to try to guess the place but couldn't match to the geography

which was one of my weak subjects in my school times .........

the place i was standing at was spell-bounding as i couldn't get my focus of things i saw

i heard some footsteps ....... i walked to the breadth of the road to have a clear view cause the branches of the tree came in the path of my view...........i saw an angel moving ahead the road

her long shiny hairs .........so charming looks ......the bangles she wore and the earnings whom i cached a glimpse of when she was collecting her hairs back as her used to fly off cause of the breeze that was flowing

i walked a few steps towards .......i guess she heard my presence but didn't turned back.

the road lead to an unknown place desiring shades but meant nothing so deeply inspiring your world.........

i reached a place following her that the road passed through enclosed by a beautiful river on one side and the trees accompanying the wall on the other side..........
the wall was painted red .....and tree has trails falling down the branches touching the wall and the ground......

The river was an elegant piece of beauty which was pearled by the sun-rays that touch the shore........on the other side of the river was a series of mountains heading in the direction as if they would cross the road .....the sun seemed to me as if is spying on me from the mountains .....

I felt thirsty and even she slowed down i stood still ............i walked to the river to drink some water.........the water made my thirst to increase more......my fingers moved towards the water to collect it but as soon as i touched it made a noise which she heard i guess , i collected some water to drink , i thought the noise would make her turn back but she didn’t .....she just stopped......
i saw the water colored red which i collected.......i got surprised and left the collected water and it merged into the river leaving no imprint of its color on the river water.......and i tried to touch the wall which was red it turned black .....and tree fell off......
i was surprised to see

that......i ran towards the girl but she vanished off in the blooms .

me sitting down the dead tree.......whose leaves turned brown....

the breeze turned wild.........and everything turned gloomy........

a leaf just struck my hand.....i first thought of crushing it but

some ink prints cached my eye.....there was something written on it..

" other beautiful things cached your eye.....but i could not

      you followed me because you loved me.....got attracted to others
                            and left me ......
                       i was always with you and you could see me
                               through your heart ,
                                   you didn’t required to wait for me to turn back

i felt bad when you reached for other things than me...
and

it was hard for me to bear that......
you go back and try to find me

with the help of your heart ....
i was , i am always with you.."

I opened my eyes and saw no book in my hand and inquired about it from my

family members but no one had the idea.......i tear fell from the eye when i tried to remember all that i dreamed last night........

my search still continues till date.......may be she is gone ,
maybe she is waiting for me to find her.

Second Thought of Perception ( The Quality I Lacked Since Birth)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 5 Aug 2010 13:49:00 -0700

today 15 june 2009

i am 18 years old....after three days i have my entrance exam ,

the one i desperately wanted to clear , my dream place , my dream university......

i worked out all the questions from its past year exam papers . but some things are out of our hands and some dreams are meant to remain unfulfilled .

Problems surrounded me from all sides ..........and i lost myself to them ,i was shattered because my strength was targeted by them and that made me weak and i wasn't expecting that too happen.

18 june ,

the day of examination came ......i went to the center in the morning without praying , nothing

those gates of the center seemed giant to me , maybe because i was cut short by my problems.......9 am we entered the center , and we sat down at the allotted seats .....by we i meant me and my problems.........

the paper seemed easy to me and i was happy that i would be able to clear it........but things never live up to our expectations......!!!!

That day i felt no happiness , no pain , no sorrow , no gain......

At midnight that day, i was at a place no one wants to be...........the wind blew as if providing me the support to be hard in those conditions..........

i couldn't get admission there and i still couldn't do anything .

after 1 week , one of my friends called up , and shared his happiness with me ,

he told me that he got committed after the girl he was trying on from so many years agreed to be his partner ........

It didn't made me smile but made me to be harsh on him .........he may have got hurt but i didn't know , what made me do that........

i just was sitting around with my friends , all were committed , only i was the one single in the whole group .

if i have a good memory , the moments we friends spent last together were few........and rarely we had an experience to share to others about our friendship..........

It all happened as

when we started to be friends , one of us was already committed and as the time passed one by one everyone found love in their partners they met ......the last one to get committed was the one who called up.....leaving me the only "single" ,

who was single even now..........

whenever i tried to meet them up or make plans for our outing ........they used to say sorry yaar girlfriend ke saath jaana hai ..........

we ll meet some other day.......definitely........but that day never arrived......

even when i tried to resist to their no.........i got to hear from them that why don't you find yourself a girlfriend

i didn't knew , what a girlfriend was........i had friends who were girls.......but we shared nothing more than friendship...........

i felt as if i definitely needed a girlfriend..........my friends tried to help me out with it.........

i re-winded my past history and tried to find out , do i had a crush ? or do i had a one i was comfortable with........

the one who was predicted to get committed before all others end up being single...........

i tried to get into those talks with girls..........but it didn't worked out.......continuous hitting of my friends on the same topic , made a feeling to pop up in my heart...........

seeing my friends talk to their girlfriends on phone , i really felt as if it was nice thing to have someone..........but my problems never left me......

i talked to girls and asked to be my girlfriends as was instructed to do so in order to get committed ,by my friends

i turned up ruining my friendships with them...........but my friends didn't stopped at this........

i started to talk to a girl online.........she was nice and i knew her from my high school days......

she seemed sweet at first and i thought of going through with her..............i told my friends about her.........

my friends said yes , come on , do it .........you can propose her........and i did

but she said no.......to which i felt unmoved/untouched by how bad/good the other felt.........

but my friends told me to propose again.......which i did

again a no.......

i asked her for her phone number.........talked to her for some days.......and then initiated by my friends proposed her

i SMSed her ......and reply came yes...........she said she was having her exams ........and we didn't talked for a week.........after one week when i tried to contact her.......she said she gave her phone to her friend who replied me yes ............

i still didn't felt offended.........but my friends started to ignite the fire of the condition and worsen the situation for me to handle...........

i left contacting her again and led my life through and i stopped talking to my friends who got busy with their girlfriends.......................it didn't bothered them even try to know of my existence.......but they simply got so involved with their girlfriends and they didn't had time for their friend........

i remember those days .....

they used to say that

yaar dekhna ******** naa sabse pehle committed ho jayega aur fir hume isko dhoondna padhega.........pakkad pakkad ke bulaana padhega ,

he would surely leave our company for her

now if i could ask them who left the company and who got busy............

that incident spread like a fire in my friend circle and all girls who used to befriend me once , started giving me a stern look..........i felt like running away from those eyes , but what could i do......i had them involved in my life so much that wherever i stepped i had them present there already.........

i stopped looking at any eyes from that time.........and remained all time at places where they had less probability to come to.........

i stepped up in the next chapter of my life.......i had close eye to eye encounters with people , there were some whom i started liking at first sight ........but i had my past with me that time.........i had an image set , that i even willingly could not change.........so i rested my desires and put them out of focus.......

girls thought i have an attitude problem........but i never wanted them to get into trouble because of me or feel ashamed because of me

i really couldn't grab my confidence to measure the steps to her............but sat down just looking at her from some distance......all i had was my past on my mind

i really feel like the air , whom you can feel but can't collect or keep it with yourself.........when you ll try to grab it in your fist , it ll just pass out of the gaps in the fingers......

First Thought of Perception - Lesson of Life- I

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 3 Aug 2010 23:40:00 -0700

(to be continued ......2 )

The old man seemed to had done a magic , that was what that trick made me think that time .
The old man asked ,"What do you feel my child now ?

I replied that,
I felt like similar to an incompetent loss that i was holding up for years...... but it feels that maybe i lost myself to the blowing wind .

The old advised me to have "patience" and
be happy as
In life we need to sacrifice somethings ,
and we need to let people go .

A little insect came and sat on my finger and
In anger I enclosed it in my fist.
That insect was beating around the walls of my hand ,
and wanted to come out of it , but it was me who didn't wanted it to let go .

That creature bit me on the enclosing part of my hand .

At last i opened my fist to see the bite portion and

it flew away as soon as i opened my fist .

The old man took my hand to see to it , and advised me to have not done that .

He told me that,

In this nature , whatever creature that exists ,

If it tries to hold things up ,

end up not only loosing them

but hurting badly itself too.

He explained me up giving up an example, similar to that of mine .

He told me, "If i have not have tried to be in the life of that insect ,
that insect would not had tried to bite me , or cause harm ,

Same goes out for we humans ,
If we don't try to be the obstacle in someone's life , we wont get hurt .
Understanding that made my life take a lesson off that situation that occurred in my life that day
and thought of moving on in my life .

that night i slept with ease , but i still have her in my heart and its been an year almost but i have not been able to forget her .

Lesson learnt from a Stranger

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 12:38:00 -0800

(to be continued.......1)
That night i was not able to sleep because i had thought of driving all i had,
into telling her my feelings.

It felt to me as if it was a do or die situation for me.

I feared that if i would not be able to sleep then how would i reach school on time and how would i tell her my feelings for which it took me centuries
( centuries as if the time i took to grab my courage to tell her that i liked her was long enough to make me feel like it would have been centuries since i started liking her ).

Early morning mom was waking me up to get to school on time.......but i gained my consciousness and found an old man who was passing by that lane and stood to see me sitting there in a strange way . he asked me what was wrong me ?.......i just murmured that it was all messed up.

He just took my hand asked me what really happened that changed my life so abruptly .
I actually wasn't interested in sharing my personal life with any stranger... i thought what would an old man like him wearing kurta pajama and all time praising god incentives for those who believe in him , and on that having a weird hairstyle,
What would he know about love and how it feels when a boy is dumped by a girl for whom she meant everything .
I remained silent for quite a time when he started guessing on what could have been the situation , he started on inquiring whether i flunked in any exams or so......., had any quarrel with my parents or was it related to being ditched by a girl......suddenly my expressions changed when he guessed my situation rightly .

So he marked my changed expressions on what could be the reason .

He showed me the white portion of my hand and asked what do you see ?????.........i replied that i could see lines on it .........more than that what else ?
.....i said nothing else i could see ........

He told me to turn my free hand into a fist , and asked what could i feel then ?
i could not imagine what was going on......what all he was trying to make me do and what outcome did it had .....and once it felt to me as if he was making fun of my emotions .

I felt like a small kid who was made to concentrate on something else to distract him of the toy or thing he likes and desires to have and forces his parents to buy him but the parents just don't want to spend on that .
I said to the old man .......i feel like i held something in my fist .

He said, "Okk then just set that thing free" ........

I opened my fist to set that thing free and i could feel to have lost something that i valued the most .
I imagined what could that be which i was holding in my fist and which made me account for a valued loss .
For at least a short interval my facial expressions were changing swiftly .
I could not make up how to react and was confused . i looked upon to the old man for the conclusion to my confusion , as he created that illusion and only he could satisfy my confusion .
(to be continued .......2)

dated 23 december 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 05:07:00 -0800

dated 23 december 2009

I am at some place where people are passing by ....
my eyes are full of tears and shedding them down below my cheeks.

I was not able to understand anything , what happened and what to do.
That day i got a shock that killed me , it was when i called up a girl ,
to whom i had expressed my feeling few days back and was not receiving any reply
after she confirmed me that she loved me too.

She asked me to tell my parents about her and not to contact her till i had told my parents about her .

That day all those previous conversations i recalled to find out whether it was her only that said all that or was it a game she played with me.

I knew her from the day i gained my consciousness , it was when i was small and was in 3rd standard , i first saw her and just lost my heart to her .

She looked to me as an angel from heaven , she had whitish complexion , shoulder cut hair and a white broad hairband , which she usually wore .

I was a shy type guy , and knew nothing about love and how to impress girls and even how to talk to them . To me talking to a girl meant committing a social crime for which i could be punished any time .

But day by day my feeling for her grew and i couldn't resist without talking to her , but i was confused how to start a conversation with her.

For me it was the toughest job , even tougher than studying for my exams .
Being in the same class for approximately 3-4 years and in same school for i guess 6-7 years , i was not able to make her even my friend.

One night i decided , that the next morning i am gonna do something that would help me start my journey to achieve her . But no one knows whats going to happen tomorrow , and this phrase just set best on my situation .
( to be continued ................)