ASPDIRES 2

Last - III : No Second Chances In Life !!

2012-06-22T08:27:00.003-07:00

After moving out of the place ...i felt i needed to tell her everything
My last attempt to justify myself ....

Everything ran into my mind ..for her first words ....to her last ones before she left...

I was not sure ...whether she would agree to meet me or not .....
But i thought i would swear her ...like she used to do ..before ....she wanted to get something
done by me.....
especially when she knew ...i would be in two minds about it .......

would be in ....or have ?
confused ?
i smiled ..as i knew ..she was the one who corrected me always .....

I called her up...
to ask her to meet up the next day .....
as she was planning to head up for further studies ...out of the city
in a week ....
this was the only chance i had ...i had my fears ..but i had overcomed them
now ....seriously today i was not prone to them...

I asked her out for a coffee ...early in the morning ...
she agreed ...but she warned me ..to be there for some time only
to which i agreed.....

I was happy she agreed , to it ...after so much .....
I message her ...i had something to tell her ...

should not be something related to my love or feelings .....her condition
at which she agreed to come ......

I had to agree at everything .....

.......

i was waiting there ...since early morning
for the coffee shop to open ...
I double checked my pockets for money ......

i sat on the table , unnoticed by the waiters ...
maybe i was not someone important at that hour .....or they were just too busy
getting ready for the day .....

And she came , her arrival marked a huge increase in my happiness .....
U seem to be different today ....
her question....after the formal handshakes ....and greetings
She was not happy ...on being called ...

Suddenly ,
her cell phone rung ....and she picked up the call and conversed softly

i heard her mentioning the place ...to someone
i heard her saying ....with ***, the one who writes blog on me...how i ditched him
and all that
yeah .....
nothing , he hasn't really start talking yet ...dont worry will meet you up in
a while , sure meet me up here .....cya

I could figure out ...it was him....

My expressions did changed again.....

So her question
why did you called me here ?

I just wanted to tell you something ....

sure, as always .....now whats left to be told ?...she asked

i felt i need to tell you about the prediction , if you were interested ....

"hmmm".....she replied as if she just didnt cared to hear all that ...

I was told ......my life is tough ......
I have 3 opportunities to live .and a definite opportunity to die.....
the four opportunities come at different stages of my life ....
one at 16-17
second at 21-22
third at 30-31
fourth at 40-44

the fourth ...definites the result of my end ......
but i have opportunities to survive the three.......

The opportunities ....test me on my willingness to live ...
and if i tend to fail to justify ....i ll be dead ....

She yawned .....as if i was telling her an assumed story ......

i was warned to not fall in love ....as the girl - you ....was predicted to never
understand my feelings ....and it was feared ill loose all my willingness to live
and it happened just that ......

The only solution was if you could give me a chance to be part of your life ..
and your trust that i could be your someone special ....
as it would have given me .a reason to add and strengthen my willingness to survive
after the happenings just took away my reasons to survive ....

The day , the things ...as predicted would be tough for me to survive ....
was a day back ......

So ,
you survived it ....good , good for you , now are you over with your melo drama
she replied

almost ...i replied .....

with waiter interrupting to serve the coffee....

so , whats left , she enquired ..

and she noticed ..and turned to ask for spoon .....

in the mean while ...i saw him .parking his vehicle in the parking area..just in front of
the coffee shop...and waiting for her ..maybe

she got up from her seat to get the spoon from the counter....
as i placed an envelope ....under her cup of coffee....and left ...
she saw me.....walking out of the shop ...and came behind ..
but lost the sight of me.....

he waved at her ....from the distance ....
and came to greet her ......

the waiter came running behind her .....with the bill and asked her
to pay ....
he paid for the price for the coffee...and asked him to leave ...
while paying
he asked her ...." why does he calls you here ...when he doesn't have the money to pay
, thank god i was here ...to rescue you.."

she laughed to her joke ...." i had the money to pay the bill , but i left my wallet in
my activa...."

So where is he ?....he inquired
he left .....still had that ego ....left without saying anything .....

Okk you wait here ...i ll be back in a while.......he said

The waiter came back ...with the change....and an envelope ..

she offered him the change .as the tip ....but he asked her about the envelope....
he told her ....he found it on the table ...
she looked at it ......

and the envelope had ..." To my goli"

the waiter left ....and she opened up the envelope .....
and it had a card ....
she assumed ...it to be a lovy-dovy card again.....
and
read it ....

it had
" You are invited to pay last tributes to ...Mr *******, "

she doubly checked the name...it was my name there ....
she didn't believed it .....
i had drank the coffee ....with her and now ...she was holding up the invitation card
to my last rituals ...ceremony

a tear started to fell from her eyes ....onto the card ,

she looked in the envelope ....for more.
and it did had ....a note and ring

the ring she looked at it .....and it seemed her the same as described in the blog
and she read the note .....

" Shona (goli) ....
you once said ...its too easy say things ..but its tough to make them a reality
you said ...."i had the guts to say but never had the guts to make it come true...

so today , call it my motive or the game of destiny ....its coming true ....
"
the note was stained in blood .....

She noticed i was silenced by her interruption to have assumed me to have survived
the curse of destiny ...which in real was something she was holding up
in her hands ......

Last - II

2012-06-19T11:52:00.002-07:00

he wakes me up from my wandering thoughts ...

Why is it that i am unable to move on ?....i started with my questions

Because you wished to keep all secrets to yourself .....but in the end you gave up all
even when knowing ..what would be the result .....
You showed her ...the real you.....and all your problems ..all the reality behind that
and who in this world ...is the person , who wants to live a life with problems

Your constant fear of death , that never lets you live , and the urge to be with everyone
never lets you die.....

his replies ...

Why cant I be with her ?....when i can love her more than anyone else.....
Why she never understands me and my feelings....?

Its not under our or any humans control to write their own destiny , the only thing in our hand is to lessen the effects of what has to happen....

Your feelings for her ...are your own ....and i don't know about it..
but no one can be forced to love someone.....
it comes naturally , if she wishes to not
love you.....
then nobody in this world can help you with that.

Maybe she doesn't want to be with someone like you ...
who is a problem person....
or she thinks your feelings, are just a part of sympathy plan
or you just are faking everything

U can never make someone trust you....its all about their choice...

I looked concerned ....and not satisfied with the answers ....i hate myself ...for not understanding things....and even not paying attention to things which take me the other way....

What do you want ??....he asked me

I want to be with her ...
be the special someone in her life ....that make others want to be her in next life....

then just go ahead...he added to my words...

But its not that easy especially with me ..struggling through my life...have concerns
about everything......and that really shifts my focus from her ....
with her changing her decisions and really not understanding me....
it adds onto my frustrations....
She says i do it all for sympathy ..as if its of my choice ...that my life is this ...

When trying to fight ...with every problem ...i wish to give up at times..
and i never could experience life out of problems .....and I never could call someone
to be with me...as i never wanted to reveal my unluckiness ....
But she gave up ...on her decision to be with me....
it made it easy for me...to reveal every aspect of my life ....

it did hurt that she gave it too soon on ....the thought of being with me....

her changing life ...her changing thoughts .....just made me
so unimportant in her life ....that i still cant face her.....

Even if i have her...i cant be sure of my life ...
even i am not sure ...if she takes it as a joke or not , as if it is a joke for her
till now ...how will she react if she gets affected by ...being a part of my life
will she make a quick decision to leave ...
I am not sure ...if she will make those extra efforts ..knowing that there are so many
better people with better life than me...after her......

She never gave me any reason to be glad about ..and nor did she respected my feelings..
so my fears are normal....and the glitch to trust her ...

he wiped the tears coming out my eyes , and said
it not in your hands...so you cant do anything.....

You neglected your feelings ... while taking care of her ...from yourself
and this she couldn't know ...as they were your own willing efforts ....and she would
never understand it ...so stop forcing her ....
this could only be observed and she gave no efforts in that regard and calls it
that you did nothing .......

One thing to notice is that she is happy without you and she was not , when she was with you
she selects that kind of life for her .....and no one can stop her ..

" He is a better choice for her than you "......he said making a point .

I know , he is better than me in all aspects but how can i make my feelings understand
this thing ......who are not ready to give up and try to make an effort.....

he starts and makes efforts to make me understand ....

Try and understand ....
if you die ....this time ....or at any other stage of life ...
she would still move on , then why try and affect her in any way ....

What if she comes to you and something happens to her
will you be able to forgive yourself ...Nope..
that would be more regretful , then letting her know about you....
or keeping distance from her ......

Every point stands justified and life turns still ....
and i am all in tears ...trying to be in reality ...than being in assumptions

and it made me feel
she was never wrong ....with what she did ....
and
I could never understand her .....

I take a leave with her memories .....from that place
i bend to take his blessings ..and i could see him emotional too

The only thing i can be glad about my life ....
is that i tried to love someone ...with true feelings ....
maybe its the destiny that wants life to run this way.........

Last - I

2012-06-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

Living without her.....
my life is not prone to destiny anymore....

I am all lost ...searching for a simple thing to hold onto....
All i see is the end....to everything ...

I take steps ..to find answers to some questions.....the questions left answered...
i felt sharing my life ...with people will fetch me my answers......
Nor did she cared enough.....nor the people of the world she belongs to .....

I have no-one to go to ...other than one....
Someone....who helped through my tough times.....and with the blessings of whom
I could be the part of her life......

I was greeted by someone at the door....who welcomed me in....and
asked me to wait for a while.....

"he is busy with some ceremony ....and will soon be here....."

This place i remember ....the first time i visited ...the place had the fruit of peace..
as all tensions came to an end ...here.....

This was the place ...where i was given a sneak peak into my future......
and i couldnt do anything about it....and now i am here....just the way i was predicted.

My focus ......shifted to the arrving steps of the person...
I bent down to touch his feet....and he blessed me....

He very well knew the reason.....but
he stopped to ask about my parents health....to which i replied affirmatively
with all the respect....

I was looking for a reason to start the topic ....and he gave me one...
and it all came in .....at once.....

U know , how i feel guility ...about what all happened to Mom....
and how i get to know....what all made it happen from you....
that really made me hate myself more ...

U warned me ....of the dangers to my life ..and to the ones i cared ...due to me..
and u asked me to stay away from them...
But

I stopped ....to look at him...but he all did smiled.....

I did what you stopped me from.....
the most unluckiest fell in love....

So where is she ?...he asked...i would like to meet her ....he added

she left me alone , as she said ....she never loved me.....
but i am unable to realize it.....
and i dnt knw what to do......

So how are your studies going ??.....he asked just when i finished ...

i looked at him....and said.."My words dnt matter at all "....

He paused and said .."We have other problems to tackle..."

You are on a verge of dying...and this time...it would be more difficult to survive......
if you will survive ....you will live till the 30th year ...when similar situations
will again take place .....to test you ...on your willingness to live.....

And i see you ...and my hopes fear ...as you dont seem to be willing to live life more...

The fears take over ....as the day it is going to happen ..gets closer..

he just stopped there....with his words..

And I was totally not afraid ...what had made me change so much
that i dnt care even about my life...I have to ask people to take care of me....
which they take it ..as i am asking for sympathy...
I used to never believe ....even she used to think like that...

I didnt feared about the death ..after i got to know ..
I have to live by ..just 40

Not my choice ...but not in my hands to change it either.....

I am gifted all this ...as a part of my life ...

Unluckiness
Life till 40

a love and caring nature...that often creates problem for me....that i want people to
replicate...for me too.....

I ll be only yours.....even if i be away from you

2012-06-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

"Apki marzi hai
Think whatever you want to
Waise what have you done to be the one...
you can't even walk with me...
so whatever you do or think is entirely your side of cooked up story......"

I found this while going through our conversations.....
I wanted to tell her the reasons ...but may be she wont care about it......

She came ....
I was seeing her after a long while...

she just wanted to remind me ....of our mutual friends birthday....which i remembered..
She asked .."How are you ?".....

My phone fell off...my hands ....as we talked to each other...
asking each other formal questions...

She picked up the phone....and did read the open message from her......
But her reactions didn't changed at all.......

Are you fine ?.....she asked me ....

"If u want , i can help you .....but its you who don't want me to help" .....she added

Its out of your hands...as you have no other solution other than leaving someone .......
alone ...
and the question of walking with you....
I knew ...i was unlucky....and knowing that reality ..made me feel i was cheating on you
by letting you be unaware of it....

I was trying to be away from you...so that you don't get affected by my unluckiness..
while my feelings ...wanted me to be close to you..the way it may least affect you.....
I was ready to wait ...until you know all the truth..and decide ....if you wanted to
be with me...or wanted to leave me .....on my own...

The only reason...that i never greed-ed to be something on some-others expenses....
what made me...to keep distance from you...
Because I knew you had a life worth living .....and i had my feelings worth trying for
your love.........

It hurts ....hearing such words from you.....as i always wished for your happiness...
but you never gave me....any credits for it in your life.....

You used to make fun of my feelings..ignore them.....
then be the sweetest person by apologizing.....and make things be normal again...

If you never had the experience of walking next to me....
I never had that....love from you....

Maybe if was easy for you to see me......get destroyed...
I could never think of making that happen to you....

a tear coming down her eye....cached my attention.....
I raised my left hand...to wipe it....
and i accidentally stained that with blood ....coming of the hurt-ed hand...

the blood didn't stopped....and the stains of blood
made her image fade ..to give way to reality....

It was nothing ....just that i was lost to the other world and my hand came in between
the closing door of the car...

The pain was nothing in comparison to the pain i was suffering from......

There was no one to take care...and no one to be worried.....
So a cloth was tied...and i happen to get closer to reality of being the words
i promised her.....

" I ll be only yours.....even if i be away from you"

"Its always been about you "

2012-06-11T15:30:00.001-07:00

"Its always been about you "

Her favorite line...trying to emotionally blackmail me...
when everything failed ....and i was still annoyed ..

Again, today ..i tried making her realize ....i did had special feelings for her...
but her total ignorance to my efforts ...is certainly ..heightened.....

I feel like ...I was never a part of her life ....
when she made it too tough to make her realize .....

" I need some time ".....

her reply...she never gave any negative response ...to my beliefs
maybe ...i was her toy....she played with ...
as she is aware of what mattered to me the most ....

I used to reply ...i wont stop trying .....until she herself said that ....
but that promise ...never could be the part of her reality ...

She would feel happy and forget what all had happened...
and the next time ....the story would remain the same......

neither she was interested in letting me know of the reason ...of her disapproval
neither she was interested in letting me go......

When he used to call.....she would just be someone else...
and in front of me...someone else.....

I was someone important ...just for the sake of me.....
and he is important .....for the sake of everything , her life holds for....

She always preached reality and practicality ....while she was far away ...
from even being a bit of them....

She never understood me...
as she never understood what i meant ...

she calls herself ...mature ..
but she is still a child ...

I know i am wrong all this while ..i have lived upto ....
bearing every fault that turned into a mistake ...that cant be justified nor
can be resolved....just liked an engraved part of my life ...

just like a scar..which reminds of the happenings in the past..

I used to fear future...from getting influenced from the past..
as it showed my life was not worth living....

The day i told her my secrets...why i hated my life so much..why is it so difficult
to be with me....

She grabbed on whatever she felt like useful...
but never understood ....

I would never say ..I am perfect for you....
I know there are hundreds of boys ..who would be just like the way you wish for...
I dnt know ....How much my love is ?...and how much it matters to you...

I just wanna say " I love you "
I cant promise you the change but i'll try to change for the rest of my life...
according to your wish ..."

I have seen ..people change ...when someone ..makes them feel too important
Others just feel ...that the person needs to move forward..
and the person who makes that person important , ends up ..hurting sentiments ,
making a joke out of its life ...for others to laugh on...

I dnt blame the person , who felt so important ...nor the world does ..
with the difference being that i love that person and that person is a part of the world

If i would be found mentioning on the streets to a random stranger ....
about ....the world only thinking about themselves ..and just wanna be a part of
someones life ....for a gain....
gain being ..he is resourceful....and they can utilize it well....
and these people .are always found lacking the power..to be themselves in life ...
they survive on others....

I LL be called MAD by that stranger and others earing my thoughts which i
shared....as they are too comfortable with this fact ...in their life ....
and they don't care about me.......

Atlast i am paid too much for taking care of her......
protecting her from my unluckiness....
and expected her ...to believe in my feelings......

She is not a child , she can take care of herself....all she used to complain
when i tried to take care of her....

I felt bad when my care would turn into her grief.....
I know i am very bad ..at helping you to be with me....

that's why i am out of your life.....
not because of we want different things from life .....

its just that you never wished for someone like me....in your life....

You Always Knew Everything .....

2012-06-08T14:28:00.002-07:00

Her message ..made me go back again....
the time...someone would never wish to be in...?

when i had everyone blaming me for just love .....

I was all alone , struggling to get my life right ...with everything losing hope
on my survival....either all i was waiting for things to happen or being just by myself
being blamed ....

Even my mutual friend ...didnt cleared things for me.....
She used to say ..she was my best friend ....but at this moment she took her side....

"You knew everything from the starting "

that everything included ....just her , me ...and that she hated to be in relationship
and that she used to trust me...

i never came to know about him...his bonding with her ....

How does that affect me ?if he is friend or more than friend ?
..my friend's question....

The person who used to claim ....it used to be terrible to live without me...
who used to cry ...when i used to get hurt ....
did she faked it all ?...knowing my feelings for her .....

I am not a person who doesn't value feelings ....
with a life full of judgements ...i learned to keep the people who cared near......
and that what i always tried to know through my questions ....

trying to knw..whether a person respects ..or make fun of my feelings or importance i give
to that person in life .....

She knew it all ....since the beginning ...then why she used to fake those
tears ....when she had to let me go...

Why she used to justify everything ....make those last attempts ...to continue
ahead in life together ...when she knew how it going to be.....

Why she let me ..consider her parents like mine ...
when she knew ..she never could let me ...relate to them....

Why she used to make those extra efforts ...
say that she wanted more time..to know me...to decide....

when she knew her decision from her starting ....

Why she let me ...be to her party
when she knew ...she was going to end the link that joined us .....

Why she didnt deleted me....
when she knew ..i was the only problem for her ...when i was online.....

Why she let me be a part of her life ...
when she knew .she had to ignore me ...one day ....

Why she let me ...feel important
when she knew ..she had to make me realize i was a no-one ....

Why she didnt end it all ..when i first expressed my feelings for her
when she had to end it ...after all

Why only when i just tried to confront her ....

HER LIES......

2012-06-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

I remember , she once said
" think before you speak , as the words may hurt others ..and they may never be able to
forget that "....

Maybe it was only applicable for me...as i was expected to come out with words out of
total frustration ....

All i saw ...myself being made fun off ..by her and her friends ..

and two persons ..telling everyone ...that they love her ...and she also loves them

When anyone used to ask me....all i had to say was...I am a no-one ..to decide..
all i have is my feelings ....let her decide what is best for her ..and i wish for being
that one .....

Few months back ....all she used to say
that he was only her friend ....
and
it all started ..when the call at night by him...started to pinch a bit ...
the only thing was ....if he was just a friend ...then calling at night , everyday
seems a bit unusual ....
and her drastically changing reviews ...on him ....

from being just a friend to he needs me....
i have known him for more than i knw you.......

and ending on her wish to get married to him....she did phrased it in a way it seemed that i forced
that on her.....

The scene at her bday party ...with everyone ....assuming them a couple ....
and an facebook incident ...a status update changed to a...in all ...description of a hidden
love story ...
and she happily accepting everything with ease......

All my fault is that questioned to much ...tried to know..the reality

I just asked her ....about what all this meant ?
but she always used to ...go round and round about the topic .....
never clearing things ....

a friend of mine....added onto my problems ...as he too tried expressing too much...
and when i got to know....through his spread rumours.....it was all an end ..
and i just asked her ...to end that issue....
to which she resisted ...and it ended everything for me.....

I never actually gave any attention to her...making fun of my feelings or me..in front
of her friends..with me able to hear everything .....

she did said ...." she would ignore me ..and never wanted to see me..."

" I dnt feel like talking to......you"

It added to her fun ...as always , when i used to hear everything she used to embarass me
...and she used to question my self-respect too .....
which i used to ignore ..as i didnt wanted to worsen the situation more....

But i never had ....my answer and all i had were her excuses....

I never expected ...anyone to take my side ..as i never wished too....
all i wanted was the world to be with her ....
a world that didnt included me.....

Everything got reminded ....when her words reached me....
"If i shall meet you in the future...i'll ignore you ..
I neva said anything lyk dat....you were my best friend ..wid whom I cud tok abt any
stupid stuff .
However ....v both want diff things frm lyf ....
dat is d reason .....v dnt tok...nt becoz i hate you or anything .."

Hate you ....she never said that ?
lie ...she used to end every sentence with that ...
with all i got to hear ...was either she hated me...or he needed her ..

Those moments ....still hit me hard..

Maybe..she may have forgotten ...
she asked me not to talk to her ....unless she literally typed in she wanted to talk

Wid whom ..i cud tok abt any stupid stuff .....
maybe she meant ..i was a tym pass ...as it beens 6 months and she never called
and went offline ...when i used to be online...
Put me ...in her restricted list on facebook...

and the last ...
her ignorance ....you were my best friend...
if i was her best friend...then y such justification.....

this wont make her realize ...she did everything right ...

I curse myself....to have fallen for her...
i curse myself ..to have considered her parents as mine...
and thought about them....before taking any step of confrontation....

I knew....no one would understand my feelings....
as the one ..the feelings was for .....never cared about it...
and i dnt feel like confronting her lies.....

UNKNOWN - VI

2012-06-01T14:59:00.000-07:00

I wish everything stopped for a while , as i struggled to be in time
i m chasing my life ...but all i end up with ...something that is not worth
my efforts..
I see her from a distance waiting for my arrival....this is the first time...
i was late .....otherwise .....i could be seen waiting there for hours ...

I just fasten up my steps to reach up quickly to be beside her.....
I reach and i stood next to her ...waiting to be noticed ...but maybe she ignored
She seemed upset ..
Maybe just because i came late ....I thought....

I got down on my knees ....and streched my ears ..to make her realize i was sorry
for making her wait...
But she still ignored....

At last , she broke her silence .....
and said...
I think , you can live without me ......
Now , its the time that i should leave....you alone
and choose whosoever you want to make the part of your life...

Now, hearing all that , made me give up on my efforts....
to make her believe in my feelings...
Its not that i got over her...its just that i have got over the feeling to make her
believe in....
I still have the feelings for her...but i dnt think they worth anything for her...

I just said.." I did what all i could do , hurting you as least as possible....
and i did stopped myself from hurting you more..."

I want you to be the part of my life...but i think its too much to you.....
as what all i have to give you....is not enough..

I did , what all i could do .....

She got frustrated ...and yelled
" you did nothing , you are all involved in your dreams
all you care about is you ...and no-one else ...."
WE can never be together....be it your world or mine...

Will you meet me again ? i asked ...
"I dnt want to see your face ...and i ll ignore you as if i dnt know you...,
if you ever come across me...in future.."

She disappeared leaving the drops ...in the air......
as i came back to reality ..getting illusioned by those drops ...on the glassy entranced
sprinkled ..as it was getting cleaned by some worker ....

After all this , the wish to see her strengthened in me....
as it had been days ...since i last met her...

i walked on ..to find some way to reach her place....
while walking down the distance from the market to her place ....

I thought all about ....what all i would say to her....
try to make her realize , she did wrong or make her realize in feelings....I
have for her...
and how difficult is it for me ....to live without her......

will she accept me back ?
will she accept my love ?

will i be someone important in her life ?
will she make me a part of her life ?

all these questions , i feared off .

and i reached the midway of the road..on the divider ..
i looked up ....and saw her coming on her vehicle ...wearing RED....
i recognized her from her eyes ...with her head and face covered......

I didnt looked back....as i was unable to hold back my tears ....
Maybe she slowed down or stopped or simply moved on..
I stood there ...till she was gone....

I so much , to talk to her
so much to tell....but i remembered what she said about ignoring me
i feared ...if she did ignored , i wont be able to live anymore....

i know , i have to die one day....earlier than everyone else....
but the times like these ....makes me vurnerable to end it now.....

I felt all alone..again......

Unknown - V

2012-05-26T08:15:00.000-07:00

Devastated by the neglections .....
i start to fear life ....more...
and the fear hits every aspect of my life.......

the closest being .....the wish for her comeback...

the neglections make me think ..and realize that it just could be my another
wish just like these ....neglected to be a part of reality...

my mind stumbles ...on fears
and my heart negotiates ..to make the countable chances of his wish being true..
remains preserved...

The heart as ever wish for her ....happiness
but wants to be with her too...both being poles apart realities....

I get a call , someone wanted me...he wished to see me.....
and he being the reason...that i never pick up unknown calls...i was called
and i had an offer...

i was fearing down....as now i dont want to work into anything that doesnt stand
justified on principles.....
my hand retaliates to every single motion around me....and i m fearing down...
and the cup in my hand bearing the trembling fingers.....

i m waiting for him.....why ?
maybe i know ...he may agree and make me work in something good....
he comes ...walks towards my table.....
i m all into my table...trying to hide under it ....so that no-one sees me...
as i know people may just recognize me ...and show pity on my condition...

i look at him....and envy the style ...he had...which i deserved.....
i know how he makes up all that money ....even i can do that....
but the main reason....i dnt wanna get into all that....

"i need your help."....me as straightforward as possible......

"sure"..first shall we order something...
the treat is on you....he said..

i checked my pockets ..i hardly had any cash...
i was wearing a shirt...my father bought me....long time back
when he was well.....it still looked new.....
and it was enough to make him jealous...

he very well knew ....my condition...
so he just boasted his money out...

just to take my mind of him....i looked around in the cafe...
and i observed a girl and a boy sitting on the table right near the glassy
entrance of the cafe....
the girl looked simple ...the boy reminded me of my incident with her..
as he was constantly checking his pockets for cash under the table ..
as the girl ordered.....

it was the day , she had asked me to accompany her ....
the reason was unknown to me....just her purpose was clear...
she had to buy her..MBA form from some bank...
but i was late ...as usual ...never on time personality

it was not that hard to have the form..or i missed that part by being late
after she had her form...
she took me...to a low budget restaurant ...still famous though
to eat something
but it was full and though over crowded...

so we finally settled down for this cafe....
and under the table i constantly compared my pocket with their rate list.....

i knew i couldnt afford a cup of coffee that expensive
but with her ..it seemed ..it worth nothing...

he pulls the chair....after having a look at all the fridged items ....
as i settled for just a coffee for me...
it brought me to the present....with the waiter serving the order on the table...

he constantly talked ...but i was just involved with the couple sitting on the other table
they made me live those moments back...that day again...

getting to the point...i asked him..for help
help to make me join some company for internship ...i knew it was not at all difficult
for him....but the question was ..."why would he do it ?"

he enquired about my requirements and my abilities, and what kind of work i wanted
to be in...

in the end , he asked ..why this ? you are good at the work you used to do ..
and you used to earn ...well too.....;you should come back....i ll help you
you can work under me..and i wont treat you as a junior....
and no one would ever mention what happened in past.....

i knew , they were all words...he never meant any of them...he wanted to worsen my condition
and take advantage.....

I just want you to help me..with what i want..i dnt want to go back to anywhere....

so shall i leave ?...he asked
i will look into what i can do to help you...
he asked for bill....and the waiter stood above me...
i cant pay ...he knew....so moved to him....
he paid him...and left.....

the waiter came back with the change...it was twice the amount of the bill....
i asked for a favour from him...

i asked him to take the money and account it for the couple sitting on that table
and made sure that their billed amount was equivalent to the change..he came back with

i put my hands in the pocket and took out some tip ...for him
the amount in total i had ..with me..

he smiled and did what i had asked him to do....

he told them...the treat was free for them...due to the ocassion of the celebrations
of that cafe...

i was still there....
when the girl said ..." lets order something more....."
its free...".....

the boy made an excuse and they both left ...

maybe he was worried .....that the cafe persons may change their minds on giving
everything for free and he may have to pay double.....

the waiter passed my table ...and i thanked him ...

I stood up from my place to be at that table ...where i once sat with her....
the constant talks about here and there....and me trying to boast or state the reality
of condtion in my own way.....

I still have her....with me...
i believe....maybe not forever..but i do

Unknown IV

2012-05-24T12:02:00.001-07:00

I was afraid ..as i had my experiences to fear that....
Been totally lost to life and lost in life ..
everything sets too apt for my introduction....

She would ask me everytime..she got a chance ...
"What is that secret about you ?"
i couldnt tell...and i cudnt lie to her too...
so i just told her ..."The day you wish to leave , the day i ll make my last try
to stop you ....by telling you the secret ...even when i am aware of the fact , that it
wont stop you ..but it would strengthen your steps ahead ..."

and then she would just laugh...and change the topic ...

I always knew that she would leave me ....to move forward in life ..
the fact i had kept closer to me ....more than she was..

Shona, that was the name ....i gave her
and maybe untolerable to her .....so she would ask me to speak her name instead
of all this .....
Sometimes , the way she used to say , did hurt ..but i never felt too bad or
i just ignored it ...

"Shona
No matter , how much you hurt me.....i can never even think of getting hurted for all
those small reasons ...by you.
You are more important to me ....than even me....."

I wish to take those words back.....as it gave her unlimited chances to hurt me...
and me being fine with everything she did.....

even sometimes i feel , she did everything purposely....
as she never wanted me .....
but the heart never agrees to what the mind has to say..
the heart still awaits her comeback.....

I just had nothing to say to anyone...as everyone blamed me for everything
her friends ..and every other person...(who knew nothing about what happened)

she got away ...from realizing she did anything wrong
Maybe ..realizing may have made her comeback....
and no-one wanted us to be together...

After she broke my trust, i dnt trust anyone ....
and i wish to be alone...

I was all by myself ...again .....having heard of a rejection...
this was the time ....i was prone to accept anything that promised her presence
in my life ...
Was it out of greed ?
definetly not ....
I felt ..everything was going against me..as i let her leave
knowing that she was someone whom i love...

(to be continued...)

Unkown III

2012-05-05T09:18:00.002-07:00

She failed to understand me ..and Now i dnt feel like ..to be understood
May be i have given up hope of getting understood..

My failure ..is not accounted by this very rejection ...
but ..i have nothing else to talk about ...

SHe replied ..." HEy i knw u have feelings for me ..but i dnt wanna be in a relationship"
i respected her feelings ...but i wanted to know the reason behind ..it
Maybe she is doubting me because of any of her past experiences ....that failed
as she told me .." she hated the tears and longing part of love ..."

I just tried to ensure ..that my feelings were true ...
as its said .." U should atleast try and make them believe in you and trust you ..rest
is all what has to happen.."

But maybe i shouldn't have ....because not everyone care about the feelings ..all they
look for are people who they can play with ...

"I dnt have any feelings for him..But i would feel bad if he hurts himself because of me.
.."
i just had lost my heart to her on this , as in my life ..i had never seen anyone talking
like this ..caring for others ..i was touched ..

But , the feeling was short lived ..so was my happiness to be ..assuming ..one day i ll
surely make her trust ..me ..and my feelings
i was trying too hard ..to have her trust..

I cared about nothing else in this world , when i had her ..
even if others were running to be somewhere ..i was taking easy steps in life ..just
to enjoy the moments of life with her...

All was well , until i started doubting myself...the failures had grown ..aside
while i was busy wondering about my future ....it was hard for me to bear
when i started realizing the present situations of my life...

What would life be ?if i continue to fail in life ..as when i look back all i see are
failures ...a restless life ..continuing to achieve something ..something that's still
to be reached ...

Would she accept me ?
As i had kept secrets from her ..about my reality ..
about my conditions ..she knew all what i had told her ...
My issues with life ...i wished to keep it with myself ..
till she chose to be the part of my life ...

When i would ask her the reasons , she would enquire about my secrets
thats what i hadn't told her ...

I started questioning myself ...is it good to be keeping secrets ?
all i was looking for a more trust in her and the right moment ...

(to be continued...)

Unknown - II

2012-05-02T03:32:00.001-07:00

hain (she would exclaim to express her shock)
hills visible from here ?
what ?

yes , i replied to her enquiring side , who was doubting my knowledge about that place .
U may call it luck , that i happened to be at that place ....while trying to take the remote corners of the city,
......few days before her ....

The bus moved on....
and i came across a conversation .....
i used to enquire about her well being ....when she had struck her hand ...in an accident .....
and trying to comfort her from the pain ...i tried hitting her with my not so funny jokes ....

hey , how r u now ?
fine , my hand pains ..its kinda normal now ...its bearable

okk , u recover soon and we'll go for an outing ...

really ?...and where ? she enquired

thats not important ...but we'll be together on ur activa

I dnt like to drive , she hits the bonus point with this ...as she knew i wont force anything on her...

then ? even i dnt drive ......i said....what about the plan ?
an evening together ?

she ended the conversation with her favorite words - " Shut Up "

Its too hard to bear now ....the happiness these moments gave ...i was knowing ....i had someone to be with me
always ....but now every moment just has tears to give ...and the pain to realize ...

I step down from the bus ..with my hard struck realization guiding my way

I reach the place ...and i start to ask for favors to get my work done ....
as i know my qualifications arent just enough ...to ensure the work get done ...
" we cant provide u the internship ...as u r lagging our needs "
they all told me ..and smiled !!!!

I am all blank ...to give back answers ...to their questions .....
I felt alone ...all i needed was the support ...as my life had been full of expectations and
its all spent ....taking into considerations .....everyone's sentiments ...
I know the importance of valuing the feelings attached to U....
U cant hurt them and leave ....
and managing their happiness , hurts your own ....

I am taken aback ......
" Shona , wud u do me a favor ? "
what ?
please get me the details of the training plan from ##### ?
why ?
as i wished to join it , something i love to be .....

she did , and i am overjoyed ....
But the details were good and i really owed her for her time ...

the fees , the most common case for it to be ignored .....
its was out of the expenses....that i could afford on my own....as getting trained from them
would have made me happy ....but would have made others suffer for just me......

I failed to understand this at start ...but all i knew was ....
my priority was changed from being the best in the tech to being the best payed .....
i was considering money over what i could achieve from the skills ...

excuse me !...a voice catched me ...unattentive to his words .....
i was unanswerable ....so i accepted my rejection and left ....
i knew i was nothing ...to be offered ..something ....
even i lacked the qualifications to be a part of someone's life .....

i still remember ...when i opened my heart to her
Shona , if u promise to be with me forever , I can take on every challenge , the worlds puts me to
and
she reserved her answer .....on this !!!!!

maybe i was stupid to have taken it as a YES , and started assuming too much !!!

I still cant ignore ...the fact
i had a life ....which was worth living only for her .....

(to be continued....)

Unkown - I

2012-04-27T11:30:00.001-07:00

Making way through the past , my life dies a million run of future at a time
But the crave to find all the answers
what drives me to go back......

her words are still fresh in my mind :

"if u really wanna know , what happened
go back and realize urself ...."

Maybe she wants make her self not be blamed ....or whatever reason she has for it.

its hard for me to go back ....but i have to ...
just to be with u .....

even if i dnt at my own will , life makes me run back ....for something i lost ...
some precious than my own life i had .....

running back through time , those happier moments are still alive ...who are so unknown to the dark
future ...ahead in time ......

there u r my sweet goli( sweetest person alive) and i m ur sweet nautanki (actor).
the care ...the will to do anything for u .....is still alive ......
thats not what i had lost in the present ....the thing that makes me die ..is the blind faith i had in u .....

Unfortunately , i miss it ...its something i am missing in the present life ....
A life ...where i m just suffering ...
to have lost everything i put faith in ...that just goes away in a flash ....

I have given u ..back ...all what i had taken away ...
a profile , without me ....
a picture , without my comments ....
a mobile , without my call and messages ......

the most important , the waste of ur precious time i did ......

it all relates to a journey ....an unplanned one ....
where life made me experience ....everything we shared ....

I was not at all knowing ..anything that was going to happen ....
I had a day of past ...knocking on the door of my life ...
saying : " here are ur moments that u spent ...happily "
they were just needed to be remembered again "

I sat in the bus , cursing myself ...again for every wrong thing that was happening that day
it was not about the things that were going wrong , it was the life ....that had taken a wrong turn ,
to have left her behind ...or she may have willingly stepped out ....
I m restless about journeying this life without her .....

the bus conductor ....asked me to buy the ticket ...
to which i handed over the money to him and marked my destination ......the end point of the route of the
bus ....I was unaware of the route of the bus ...the only thing i was sure of was that it would make me
reach my destination ...

the journey started ....
i was calmed ....i had my phone .....
and just to take my mind of things ...i started to read the messages ....
but it was of no good ...as my mobile never had a single message from anyother person
....my inbox was full with her messages ...ranging from a simple "hi " to a message wishing good morning ......
from her enquiring questions ...to her excuses ...for something wrong ....
they all were still there ....

i cudnt take my eyes off my mobile , as i loved reading her messages ...as in that way i felt somewhat nearer to her
but the bus stopped ...getting out the conjusted market ...near a park ....
it was where she celebrated her cousin's birthday ....
i am reminded of all what we talked ....that day .....even when the signal problem was there ......
but we were connected .....

I looked back ....and i saw the flint of hills ....in the background ....
i softly said to myself ...." i was correct shona , the hills are visible from here " .....

the bus went on .....
as if as if asked by the surroundings ...to hurridly move on......
as mybe they were getting bothered...they all felt saying ...independently
" I dnt want u to here , plzz leave and i never called u bacK....."

so the bus , moved on ...and i read her messages .....
the message i came across was ...." hey "
the reason of her overwhelming approach to start the conversation was ...that " she had hit herself ,while travelling on her activa " .....
i was agitated by this ....i had no words then ...
but had just one thing ....on my mind .....
" just wanted her to recover back to normal ...."

i called her stupid , uncaring , and evrything i felt like calling her sweetly ,
i had a mix of reactions ..anger and care both fighting each other to dominate me .....but both fell weak simultaneously
the anger of a lover ...and the care ...she used to ask upon by telling me everything ....

Shona , u changed to me ....the person who never wished to be surviving on sympathies , had
nothing else to look for from others ......
So , i wish to keep the distance from others ......

(to be continued....)

Forever....

2012-04-18T12:05:00.002-07:00

fearing down the life...
my habits are changing too

the one who used to be with u always
is alone forever..its true....

u smile , u laugh...it makes no difference
to u...how someone is surviving without u

expectations grew.....emotions new...
now ....even the world has lovers..numbered few....

whenever i m online , i cant get my eyes off ur profile
looking for something abt me...which for ages i havent seen
maybe u lost me..u forgot me...u deny my existence in ur life..

maybe ..i should kept the secret untold...
and maybe ....should have blinfolded to ignore ur cheatings....

whenever u lied....i meant something to u....
it revived a living life in me...
but what abt the sorrows u gave.....
they kill all the moments for me...
making me realize ....how unimportant is it
to live without ....U

wishing every next moment ....be the end...
coz u r not there....and i m not alive....
surviving through all this....just for ur smile....

it feels alright...i calm myself down
but the hatred grew..not for U..but for my own life now

i down with tears , every now and then....
things have completely changed without u
and i dnt wanna live ....

ComeBack......

2012-04-16T04:31:00.000-07:00

good night ....

good night.....why r u sleeping so early today
she asked....

coz i have a date...i have to get everything ready..
for her...

who is she ?

obviously YOU, do i have anyone else ?

maybe..how wud i knw ?...and she wud laugh ...

but i ll be sleeping late..

never mind, i ll wait for U.....i replied

she disconnected ...after good night...and this wud always be followed up by a message

.....all this is a memory now....

my heart still wish for her comeback into my life..
but maybe she was correct .....when she said ...i assume too much about my life...
it all comes back to leave me in tears again...tearing down my existence a lot more
each day....
i shudnt have loved ....i curse myself...or i shudnt have tried too much making things
complicated for her....as she always believes ....i m the only complication in my life

i felt so bad...when she disrespected me and my feelings....and did marked my self -respect
a low .......

but whatever be it , i dnt know ....what all changed life....

i was on ORKUt.....some time ago...and i searched her name...and found her profile
it made me believed ....it was her , the one i loved ....not the one who disrespected
feelings.....
it was so simple....

the profile didnt had a single pic of her .....and yet it was special for me.....

i m lost....i m hurted...
i cant move on...coz maybe i m fullfilled.....coz i found my love..but lost it to faith

I m out of her life.....now.....i dnt want my shadow ..to be casted on her.....
i cant be with her.....coz this is what she wants...
and i dnt have a life to assure her happiness prolonged.....

i m eyed to the door , awaiting her arrival....
my heart says ...she wud come today.....its the first time , i have called her....
she wud come....she said i mean something to her ....she wud respect that....
she wud come....

i await...while the time runs....racing with my heartbeat ....thats pacing down with moments

i m trying to give up my wait..but my heart never accepts ....it stays on...to wait
a few more......

just through the glass of water ....i see her..
she was wearing her usuals....

i got so happy .....and my heart overjoyed.....
i had no clue..of what made it happen
but the thing was ..she was there...

i moved up to see...and no one was at the door.....the glass of water casted image
of the screensaver of the laptop....

just for some moments...till it became my destiny
i had a life full of moments to live by......

For U......

2012-04-11T08:14:00.001-07:00

Shona.

U left me...with a life full of fears ,
i had plenty of them before u ,
maybe u didnt cared
and gifted me some more....

life without u ...is hell...
i have lost everything in life....and now i am giving up on it
everyday....

please come back...but come back with a promise ..

Promise .
that maybe the end of you , the end of me ...and the end of the life
existing without U...

feeling remain silenced ..and they have given up and slept...just like a child
given a fake assurance of what he desires...

but the truth ..lies
and the change never come...

i was with my friends ...trying to be in the outside world without u....
they all met ...explained....their busy schedules..making fake promises of meeting again
but it all lies in between ...something known as trust...they are friends
they wont betray.....

but i m fearing to trust anyone....after what u did to me....
trust is now something ....that has no value....
its all fake for me.....

just like ...i was a part of life is a lie ..for everyone who is part of ur life

she said once....words as it quoted

" if i shall meet u in the future....i ll ignore ..U "

these words meant that she felt so disgraced to have known me...and i never knew that

....

we went to meet our old friend ...who had become a playboy
with the activities he had got into with the opposites.......
the title was apt on him...

he was waiting for his tution mate to come ..and he called us ..to meet him down
his coaching place..

we were surprised ..were they only two , who were studying there...
but the reply sorted all that.....they were only two attending classes that day
and all others had opted for an off for that day..

somehow ...my friend had some news abt his tution mate..
which he discussed.....

the discussion...went off in a while....and it hit me hard of the three persons
present there....

they actually made fun ...of the sentiments and feelings ..she had for her bfs
in her past relationships...

and how they broke up in the end.....

they all had their reasons to laugh.....but i saw a replica of my life...in her story

they all laughed ..while i felt ached...something in me...asked me ?
wud they laugh at ur story too ?
i wasnt sure....i was no different from her ...in the story of love..

i got so insecure ..that i never told anyone...abt my story after that....
and never laughed on anyone's story....

it all made me ..realize ....i was all alone in life....

" I have no-one to be with ..without u , as no one understood me ...more than u do"
:(

2012-04-11T08:12:00.003-07:00

i felt so wrong ...and maybe bcoz u felt so right ...
after doing all what u did....and nothing that counted...

taking aback by ur actions ...and cursing to have loved
i m all down the ashes ....and no one respects.....

i deserve this....coz u end things in a furry ..to be ahead in ur life
all thanks to the deserving charm of him....to have won over u

u did all wrong ....broke my trust .....made me felt so helpless
as u pondered ur conditions on me...treated me like a pet ..serving U....

just by ur conditions , i had u and if not , i had lost u forever
and this for ..the trust u broke...i indeed paid a very heavy price to u

never ever .....think of saying "go back to the past and see .."
coz its not ..me who is assuming ....but it was U who used me .and now forgot...

things are too tough.....to accept when u r wrong......and thats what u r good
at....turned me out when i just caught u ..breaking my trust....

i never broke ur trust....maybe i shud have and been like others
and not been a fool .standing apart from others...
as it had been a torcher ..believing ...u wont be there ..when i need U

there will be just words ..just an excuse ....to feel sorry and never feel
guility ...to have never been there when i needed u...

be with whosoever ....u wanna ..be with
even if u feel bad...or feel good....u have a win win situation to live with

i m all alone...i fear to trust anyone now.....
thanks....

HER.....

2012-04-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

Walking down in life....i get to see her as always
she greets me ...meets me...and she has only one thing to say

"did nothing worng ....at all"

she would bring tears down my eyes ....would write so much against me
in a private message...but wont committ that she did anything wrong

Maybe i was an easy victim ...and evaluated me very well.....

Everything was clear to me...sine the start...
with the lie darkening the truth in my existenced sky.......

All i can say....i remember everything....maybe u dnt or dnt want to

it all started when i came to knw abt him..and i first tried knowing abt him from her
checking on her feelings.....for him
"he is just a friend " she told me.......saying that in a way , trying to convince me
and trust her .....i was blind....to have trusted her...

I m wrecked...and her love story still prevails...
if she wud have let me know ...truthfully her story....i would have never thought of
falling for her.....

the story that she loved him....the story i got to knw .....months after i first expressed
my feelings to her....and maybe only because i was lucky that day......

"he threatened me to committ suicide .....if i dnt agree to be with him "
i was a fool..who entertained all that....or i valued life to a moment to give her some time
to decide....because i trusted her....

I was only important to her .....when she needed me....

her life is never incomplete .....whether i stay or i dnt....

and even i m lost in assuming too much about my life.......

she never tried contacting me.....and i was unable to be myself ....without her

she always has everything to share with him...

i add on to the topics
to be the worst phase of her life.....

him...knew everyone...who was a part of her life......and she had known him......
more than she had known me.....

but it never gave her ...any right to ruin me.....

Saying "NO" isnt the end....u have to give reasons......

and she gave me ....all the stupid reasons to be with

i dnt wanna be with anyone....i wanna be single .....

if i had to committ , i wud have committed to him...

i dnt feel like being in a relationship.....

i m not that expressive as u r....i like keeping things to myself.....

None of them being the reason.......

she threw me out of her life...just like that ..one day
as if i was nothing....to her...

and she didnt stoped there....
she said something ....that never had expected...

"NO one knows...U were there at my birthday party .....as one of my best friend's friend"

keeping me almost out of her life ....

"I dnt want u to leave ....
...........but it wont hurt ...even if u leave" - HER( everytime i said goodbye)

2012-04-01T17:28:00.003-07:00

wishing for happiness .....i m down to begging for it
as it never came to easy for me....then for the others

as i am alone ....i peak into her life...just to see
if my absence is of any loss to her ......

but all i see is her life complete...
i had always wished and wanted it to happen
but i dnt feel good abt it now....

what has changed in me ?
maybe the love that hurts me ......when i m alone.
but i cant do naything abt it....

but the love never lets me move on....it always asks ....me
to make promises that bound me from leaving ...and makes me live in the past

its great....to be in memories ...which never meant anything to her
coz they are everything to me....

i cant force ...nor i can leave her...
i m all on my own...searching for something that cud make her return
but all in vain...

she is happy and she wont return for anything bad....
maybe she has now ....known the fact that i m the unlucky part of her life....
and no one bothers for the unluckies....

maybe i ll have to live with this fact...and she now has proved it

she tries to contact.....but i cant let go ...everything that she did
that made me ruin myself to the present day

"I dnt feel like talking to....." her words that just enclose me...
when i see her online...and even if it difficult to live without talking to her
it stops me .....from replying .....

maybe she made a joke out of my life
everything that was true....saying i was mad
she thought ...she wont be blamed ...after telling others....
about me....

sharing my life...even when it was meant to be kept to herself...

i was in love ...solely and even i m in love with her....
and i have been rewarded the best award of love by her.........

the unwillingness to be with .....me
the unfaithfulness to me...

2012-03-13T11:08:00.003-07:00

it was too easy for her to say goodbye
but it was nearly impossible to say I love u

all i got , every time was.....just some more about him..

Why she was able to hurt me ....the question was too tricky to be answered
because i believed , before her ...that no one could break the security
and get through to reach the heart

I felt i was tough to fall in love...and i had huge expectations to let someone
in...
the rules and all diminished in front of her..because i did feel...i did all wrong in my life
for which i was paying then.....
too much of uncontrollable drama in the environment, trying to keep even the last breath
unavailable ...let you feel , the end is better...

there is always one door that's open for you , in my case it was love
the one that leaded to be something for someone else..

i thought , at-least i could prove , i meant something for someone...
because the world never let me close my eyes in peace at the end of the day

they had everything to blame me...everything to make me feel....i didn't worth a single
moment to live......as they believed i was making others life difficult by living

they just have something or the other .....to pass their time

they show concern ...try and brainwash me .....because they have nothing else to do

i started to hate the world...

and now i m alone again....now even i do have started to make life more unavailable to
live for myself...coz she proved the answer (i always ignored ) to be the answer to
my existence....

she once said...."It cant be according to u , how u feel , what u do , what u think
is always ....right ..according to me ..u r wrong as always".

I was touched that my efforts to make a difference pay off ....Like "no one else wud do that for me ..."

u made me feel special today.......

everything was may be normal for her...but i had them working for me after a long time
i knew the importance of being alive every moment that passed by...

i thought i begged for each moment to live for...
and i felt i was totally dependent on others to live....

Everyone loved the boy , who used to be in its own attitude...and quite a stubborn
but no one likes the newer version of him....all by others , cud change himself
an unlimited times just to be with u...
has a lot to offer...and still begs for little committments
gets hurt too easily...coz he takes life too seriously

his life ....is not stretchable ......it takes him a lot to make someone a part of his life....

2012-03-01T13:28:00.002-08:00

I m giving up , each and every moment that passes
by
i m stuck at that point ....in life
where she left believing in the feelings i had for her..

destroying the things on my own.....wasnt easy
but i never cud destroy it all......

i cud destroy only those moments that were nothing for me..

i cud see him....taking all the steps that bonded him with her
all the things i had ....when i was with her...him getting slowly hold of
all that.....

it hurts , but u cant do anything ....
want to be sympathised with...but the sympathy never seems friendly
with the self respect ....and makes u feel dying is alot better option...

while she had taken many steps ahead in life ......
i m still there.....

she is so happy in her world.....that she never misses a part of me
in it......

she tried to talk to.....but she said everything ....other than
saying that she wanted me to talk to her....

i promised ......her
that i wont talk to her....unless she asked for...

i m just keeping my promise.....that desires to hurt me to extremes
it just gets worse everyday.......
trying to fight the need to talk to everyone....

a day wud come .....when paining scar on the body....wont match the level of pain
of an aching heart ....that misses the love .....it wished for

its difficult to let go ....the emotions that drive me ....to talk to her
but i need reasons to drive them away.....
the reasons .....are not many
sometimes it becomes very difficult for me to ....control myself...

he maynot have .....experienced all this ...coz he is in her eyes ....someone called
"sane " and i m the one insane here......

it all gives virtues ....to the fact ...." true love never gets appreciated coz it always
gives pain , while the fake feelings ....fullfills all the greeds of the lifestyle..

i seriously dnt knw.....what shud i do...
i m unable to bear this....and unable to get out of this
coz i never expected her to never understand my feelings...

and act so mean.....to show me the way out of her life .....in a day
just bcoz i was no longer .....wanted by her......

she may give ...any number of excuses ....to hide her fault
and have person like him , who wud never let her realize .....her fault...

but she wud always regret , that she hurted a loving heart......

I Miss U........

2012-02-07T09:25:00.000-08:00

i reached the end of ......
from where i started feeling.....

it doesn't seem ......great
to have to give up all....what gave me
the happiness of my life......

what it is to have the memories of moments of being loved or the time spent with her ...

hey ,
she said ....as she walks down the stairs ......to be with me .....

i m glad to see her.....but unaware of the circumstances ......that are trying to give up

we meet up ....every day,
and talk to each other for a while......
and then she would go away.....

we sit .....in a park....
and i am sad....
because i am aware of the harsh realities .... that would engulf me
when i ll open up my eyes.....

unaware......or maybe ignoring that
or just that she doesn't care.....
she is smiling.....

i stop myself .....from being blunt ......
and then she finds me bore...and leaves
she is angry ..about that i don't talk to her......

i don't want to hurt her.....
n she doesn't understand , what i m going through........

i care for you ...that's why i am like this ....
otherwise i would have started being with someone else.......

to just give words a way,
i just caught up with a recent incident .....
i said ...goli
today , a girl approached me on the streets ....and asked me a way to the recharge shop
i thought , she was unknown to the area , so helped her.......
and walked ahead...
her name was same as yours.......which i got to know .....
when her friend called her from a distance to catch up

she laughed and ......she weirdly questioned ......me
whether or not i fell for her ?

i didn't and i cant .......
its not in my nature .......to even think of being with someone else......
and i even cant force you to ....be with me.....all against your will......

she runs her fingers ......through my hair......
and i am all down with tears ....

i miss being with you in the real world........
its really difficult for me ....to live
when i open my eyes.......
in that world ....all by myself.......

in the world......in which you hate me
you left me all by myself.....

i miss telling you
how much i miss you....
and
miss your reply to calm me down
making me realize ......you are just a call away

i miss being the part of your life .........
:(

2012-02-06T12:02:00.001-08:00

hey
i love u......

she wud get angry on this , n wud say "shut up"

but it never made me realize , she meant that in real....

it hurts , when the only words that come out are " u dnt mean anything to me...."

y she doesnt believe me , when i say i love u.....
or she has someone else, his love to accept ....

i feel like i deserve every bit of humiliation
coz i m at fault all the time.....

its so much less , that i cud offer her .....for my love
i have for her.....
which is so unacceptable for her.....

it is like.....

i m bounded by chains .....around my body.......
they are the things that bound my life.......

they resist my every moment ....and i fell weak in competitng with them......

its all dark ...where i m......

the door opens .....and i can see her .....
but she cant see me......its too dark for her to be able to see me

i didnt wanted her to see me like this bounded , weak and prone to even a simple care.......
she wud say and i wud reply......
its only a voice , she cud hear.......

i feel so unkind to ask her to step into the dark , from light
just becoz i m unable to.......

y wud she do that , even if it was love ......

she gives me a .....reply ......"when its never meant to happen , let it go "

maybe .....it was too early for her to give up on me......
or she never understood .....how much i loved her.......

she closed the door........and i m once again
living in the dark.......with all hopes dying
of a brighter tomorrow.......

2012-02-02T15:50:00.001-08:00

whenever i leave u ....
even for a while ........
i regret coming back......

coz ur life is truely amazing
without me...

u never needed me ....
it was me , who was greedy to have u.....to feel complete
in life.....

i did nothing to break ur heart......never broke ur trust
coz i knew ...what would it be ......if i lost u......

but u did......
coz there were many persons like me......
in ur lyf.....
ready to be a part of lyf......

i knw ....i cant match up ....to their abilities......
but when u told me......i was special....it changed aspects of everything for me

i dnt wanna be in this world....
where my feelings suffered , to have truely loved someone......

i have no one to blame , other than me.......for all this
to be so emotional....
for her to leaving

i see her happy.....it hurts ......
seeing her happy .....coz she never was ....when she was with me....

i m being habitual to being sad....
my eyes cry aloud...
when she reminds me of her words....

if i cud ask ....
what did i had , out of all this ?
nothing.....
she got ....all what she wanted....

now she just wants me to be away , coz she is done with me

she no more wants to be a part of ....her leftover.......

it kills to have changed at her will.....
which are quoted as u did it for urself......

this isn't me ......and i hate myself....
and wanna end it
because this me .....is what she wanted me to be...
and i hate being this way
so wanna end it ....

wish i cud be ur someone

2012-01-28T18:56:00.001-08:00

things arent right ......what they shud have been
the world shrinks....and this time
its not me

the time......the moments
they all make me think of u.....

just living by the emotions....
and the reason ....to the question...
what made u go ?

i dnt wanna live....and u dnt want me to die
u can see me suffer.....
wow
hatred has grown , so much in the absence of love....

blood stops....
and the need to survive lessen
seeing ur care die.....and ur emotions.....that drived my days...before....it all got away

whenever i sit to eat......it just seems me to be selfish
to have never thought of u.....if i had never
but to have not asked u......

eating , living ......its all abt me.....
and i dnt want it.....
coz its all attached to what u want from me........
even if it ends everything.... that makes me exist........

u seem happy .....
all without me..........

when i see myself ......and had wished to change myself.......
i was never heard.....
but now i cud see my wishes come true .......
in the form of ur happiness
it makes me believe....that even i m heard ......for some reasons
be it especially ......when i wish for something good to someone

let it be.....
it matters ...that u r happy
be it without me.....
coz i never had the decision in my hand...

and now ....all it seems .....
is the need .....
to be alone......work on myself......

stop caring about....coz u got over ur caring part

for u
its all abt ,
playing with words......
staying offline , even when u r online.....
just to avoid ......a loosers word......to ruin ur mood

i care for her......even after all this
cant see her un-happy
just wanna kill myself.....
just to end ......her problems

but if i live
i wud care.......
n
she wont
and this .....hurt me
and i may hurt her