exploring how we come across to others

and

how do we hit the right note when it comes to getting our voices heard whilst respecting the rights and needs of others?

Some of the common reasons people come along or are “sent” to our Personal Impact and Assertiveness courses are because they want to feel more confident in meetings where they can feel their visibility or their voices are getting squashed, some want to be able to challenge ideas or requests without stirring up conflict or appearing “bossy”, and some just want some help representing themselves in a way that feels more authentic and true to the way they feel.

A lot of what stops us doing this is our fear of the impact we might have on others. Either that we might get trodden on or that we might be seen as a bully. We err on the side of caution and often end up rushing to the opposite side of the spectrum. So, for fear of being trodden on, we may gird our loins, square our shoulders and risk being aggressive. Or for fear of being aggressive or inconsiderate, we might dumb ourselves down, not interrupt, or mitigate our feedback with humour to soften the impact we fear it might have.

Here are some of the questions we often hear in our training rooms, along with some of our thoughts in response.

 What’s the difference between being assertive and being aggressive?

This is a good one to ask because it shows a level of self-awareness and a willingness to flex your approach.

Assertiveness isn’t necessarily about being louder, more aggressive or forcing your own way. The way we see it, it’s more about being clear about your intentions and your needs, whilst still respecting the intentions and needs of others.

Aggression seeks domination to control a situation, while assertiveness lays out a different viewpoint, whilst respecting opinions and discussion.

When assertiveness is missing, the needs of others may appear to be more important, and clarity and boundaries may go unacknowledged and often unnoticed. This means an important part of the bigger picture is missing for everyone involved.

How do I set boundaries without feeling rude or bossy?

Well – Practice makes perfect!

Many people worry that saying “No” will make them come across as unlikable, unhelpful, not a team player, lazy, etc.

What can help shift this concern is to take a long, hard look at what is a good use of your time (It’s easy to fall into the trap of doing an awful lot of stuff we’re not actually paid to do at the expense of focusing on our job description!).

Once that’s clear, then finding a way to put boundaries around what you can offer is a great way to serve the relationship and come across as helpful without overloading yourself. We call it “A Nice No”.

There are myriad options:  you may offer to do a part of what someone is asking for rather than all of it and then hand it back to them, you may point to where they can find information for themselves, or you may put a time frame on when you can do a task that suits you.

If you can’t do something, being honest about it is clarity – it’s not unhelpful. If you have constructive feedback to give someone, being straightforward and clear is helpful – and trusting them as an adult to receive the message and act on it is respectful.

Why do some people respond negatively when I’m simply being direct?

We all have our particular personalities, cultures, foibles, and ways of communicating, and that means what can seem direct to one person can come across as rude or abrasive to others.

This is where self-awareness and empathy are important. If you take a moment to understand the context, the communication and personality style of the other person/people before you speak, you can flex your style to suit them. Not to dilute your message but to help them to understand and respect your position. Sometimes you may choose to be more direct in your approach, and sometimes you may choose to be more polite. Neither is wrong, it’s just different horses for courses.

In this way you can start to consciously create the impact you choose.

How do I know I’m being true to myself and not just people-pleasing?

As your self-awareness grows, so will your sense of your own authenticity. There is a difference between flexing your style of communicating to suit the people you are talking to and rolling over into people-pleasing.

The more you know yourself, your values, and what you stand for, the more you can align your boundaries and behaviour with those. Crucially, that doesn’t mean you need to fall into anticipatory defence. You can hold an authentic position whilst being respectful of the position and needs of others.

People-pleasing is losing your own position and needs for the sake of others, even when it makes you uncomfortable. If you start to notice you are feeling signs of discomfort, anxiety, resentment or rising anger, it’s worth taking some time to think about what you could do to handle the situation differently.

In a meeting, how do I get my voice in the room when others dominate the space?

In the training room, we often set up a meeting table to explore this issue.

If you imagine the table is a room, and everyone around the table is against the walls. Then someone takes a step forward. All attention will go to the person who has moved into the central space.

If a meeting has been going on for a while and you haven’t spoken, and are sitting back in your chair, it’s like you’re leaning against the wall. You become a wallflower.

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be for people to notice you and allow you in when you do want to speak.

So… from the beginning of the meeting, sit up at the table with energy and actively look around at people as they speak. If you have the opportunity to agree with someone, make a small acknowledgement, or even ask a question, then do so. It means you are an active participant.

When the time comes when you want to say something, make a small gesture with your hand, a little further into the space of the table or the air in front of you. This will subtly draw attention in your direction. Then take a deep breath and speak in a positive tone whilst making gentle eye contact around the table, including those next to you.

Practice this when the stakes are low and you are not feeling intimidated. Then you will be ready when it really matters.

Is assertiveness something you’re born with or can it be learned?

Social skills can definitely be learned. You can be assertive whether you are shy or outgoing, loud or quietly spoken.

It takes some thought and a willingness to self-reflect. With self-awareness and emotional intelligence you can examine your patterns and learn what sits behind your actions.

By knowing who you are and your values, you can make an informed choice about how you want to come across and adapt your style as necessary. In this way, you are in the driving seat of your personal impact and assertiveness.

To find out more, check out our Personal Impact and Assertiveness course here.

The post Personal Impact and Assertiveness: Questions We Are Often Asked in the Training Room appeared first on Aspire Leadership Holborn, London.

As managers, we need to be fair and more than that – we need to be seen to be fair. We are required to get high performance out of our teams and give “constructive feedback” if this isn’t happening, if the required targets aren’t being hit, for example. This is why businesses rely on standardisation and measurement, all of which are supported by processes to get things right.

It makes sense to manage people by the book, and if we were creatures of logic, that would be fine.

However, until the entire workforce is replaced by AI robots, we would do well to consider the bits of us that aren’t based on logic. And that’s where the soft skills come in. When logic fails, it’s usually because of the gut (instinct) or the heart (emotions). Neither of which is a forte of AI at present, and at least until quantum physics and spirituality crack the code of consciousness, I’m not holding my breath on that one….

Managing people in the workplace does involve clarity, consistency, decision-making and follow-through. You need systems that work and boundaries that are understood.

But all that doesn’t make you likeable, and it doesn’t make people want to follow your lead or go the extra mile. It doesn’t inspire and make people feel valued.

So – how do you get the people you manage to actually want to work with you and with each other? To be intrinsically motivated and eager to show initiative and step up to the plate?

This isn’t anything new. Soft skills aren’t a new concept. Emotional Intelligence has been the mainstay of corporate training for years as corporations desperately try to get managers to read the room, to empathise, and to use wise and careful judgment when handling a team of human people who have feelings which will inevitably dictate their behaviour one way or another.

As entrepreneurs and businesses look to AI as the new efficiency cure-all, there is a growing whisper that is getting louder where people dare to breathe the words likability, instinct, warmth, and intuition…

One of my pet hates is the word “personable”. This is only ever used in a corporate context as far as I can gather. (I’ve never heard it used in the pub to describe a mate). Let’s get this straight – it means being able to be a person. Is this not a given any more? Is this a skill or quality worth listing on a cv nowadays?

In  our people management courses at Aspire, we strive to help people bring their humanity into the workplace. This is at a time when we all run the risk of becoming more isolated working from home in a post-COVID world, as we depend on automated processes and dive into AI and the racing progress of technology.

Being liked is not the ultimate goal, but being human is, and the difference is important.

Why likability has an impact on managing people

When we’re working with groups on people management, we often reference Robert Cialdini’s classic book, “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion”.

Two of his key principles are:

1. Liking

– he describes how we, as humans, are pulled to agree with people we like and others who like us will tend to want to find agreement with us too.

2. Reciprocity

– in a similar vein, we tend to want to repay favours done for us. We are social beings and this works as a social transaction.

Liking tends to be based on perceived similarities, understanding, and trust. And this is based partly on first impressions and partly on our experience over time with the other person. In their actions and behaviours we see playing out with ourselves and with others. (Hence the common dating advice – always check how a potential new partner treats the waiter!)

Reciprocity is not so much meant as an economic transaction but an exchange of favours based on our social agreement as humans. If I offer to get you a coffee as I am getting one (with no apparent trade off), you will be more inclined to take an opportunity to wash up my cup when you wash yours maybe several days later. And so a relationship of mutual support starts to form.

It may be that a manager who is respected (possibly feared) but not liked will have a team who get the work done but won’t be so inclined to do the extra yards to make it special. So compliance may be good but real commitment and energy may be lacking.

How do you learn to be likeable as a people manager?

Beware the oil slick of sleazy sales tricks.

Most people have a pretty good radar for inauthentic behaviour (that’s human instinct for you).

We all know the feeling of being “managed” by pseudo-charm. The over-use of your name (often getting it slightly wrong). The forced warmth, solid eye contact and insincere smile.

These are basic rapport-building techniques that need to be built on real curiosity, respect, and care with a very light touch or you can come across like you’ve swallowed a training manual straight out of the 1970s.

Authentic likability is not about technique. It’s about congruence. People are far more likely to experience you as likeable when your behaviour consistently aligns with your values. The bit of you that cares about people. When your interest in them is real, not calculating and when you can be warm, empathetic and clear at the same time.

Look for what you can give

To encourage a climate of reciprocity, look for opportunities to “pay it forward” to the people you manage. People often feel that the upward chain in the workplace is trying to get more and more out of them for no reward. Try turning that concept on its head and think of what you can give to them without asking for a return.

Respect is underestimated in its impact and is something that can be freely given as an everyday gift. The way you address people, wish them good morning, remember their special occasions, acknowledge good work, and consult with them (rather than order them about) can all raise your credit in your bank of reputation as a people manager.

Likability without capability doesn’t work

Of course, as a people manager you don’t always get to give people warm and fuzzy messages.

Clear boundaries and expectations are important and sometimes you may have to give some difficult messages.

At this point it’s important to be courageous. Hold onto those key principles of respect and trust. Trust the team member to be OK to accept calm clarity and allow yourself to be OK to give it.

As a manager, you obviously need to understand the work and follow through with wise judgement. The people you manage won’t always be perfect on this road.

Developing people in the workplace does mean stretching them as well as offering support. It may mean giving straightforward feedback, and making decisions that won’t always be popular. You can still show curiosity, empathy and self-awareness in the conversation.

What this means for people management training

In our people management courses, we find that companies aren’t generally asking for perfect managers. They want “personable” ones.

In human-speak, they want managers who listen properly, who are not pushing their own agenda and overspeaking or drumming their fingers whilst waiting to talk; Who can say no without being dismissive; Who can challenge without humiliating others; Who aren’t afraid to admit mistakes and take responsibility to sort things out rather than blaming others for fear of losing authority.

This is why people management training has to go beyond techniques and processes or even scripts or mnemonics for conversations. These are simply tools, and they don’t work without a human being behind them. In fact, they tend to fail without the empathy and nuance that a real person brings to the party. Tools don’t build trust but people can.

When respect and genuine human connection sit together, managing people stops being something you do to people, and becomes something you do with them.

And that’s when people management really starts to work.

The post Why Likability Matters in People Management (and why it’s not enough on its own) appeared first on Aspire Leadership Holborn, London.