Here are some of the questions we are often asked in the training room, and the conversations they open up.

1. Isn’t this course redundant in the modern world?

This is a critical question to address before we even embark on this course.

We’d love to be able to say that there is absolutely no need for a gender based course in management or leadership, but the popularity of this particular course tells us that women still feel the need for some support.

One of the first things we do on the course is explore unconscious bias and social norms. All groups and societies have both. If the world is going to put us into boxes, it’s really useful to be able to recognise those boxes, so that we can make a conscious choice as to whether to conform or to break out of the box.

Those who come along to the course are often relieved to know that others are struggling with some of the things that they find difficult as they move further up the management chain.

We really enjoy the way participants offer each other their shared experience and mutual support.

2. My boss has a great leadership style. Should I just copy them?

Yes and no.

Not a terribly useful answer but it’s largely true!

It can be really useful to notice what works about somebody else’s leadership or management style and if it’s something that suits your personal style that’s great.

But copying someone else’s style can be like wearing someone else’s favourite shoes – not nearly as comfortable for you!

It might be better to think about the principle behind their style, for example making other people feel appreciated, and then finding your own way of doing that.

So we spend some time on the course exploring the idea that effective leadership does not come from imitation. It comes from alignment.

What are your values?

How do you naturally communicate?

What kind of environment do you create for others?

The aim is not to become a different version of yourself. It is to become a more authentic and intentional version of yourself.

3. How do I assert myself without coming across as aggressive?

We think of assertiveness as a spectrum with many levels rather than one or two. One of the most useful things to do is to explore that spectrum and get feedback from those on the receiving end. That’s difficult to do in real life but we give our delegates the ooprtunity to do just that in the training room.

They practice moving up or down the spectrum, trying different levels of assertiveness to see what suits them and the situation, so they can make a conscious choice about how assertive they want to be.

4. How do I use authority appropriately with my team?

Authority is a bit of an odd beast and we sometimes do a little experiment in the room to help the group to unpick its nature.

You could look at it as another spectrum a bit like assertiveness, but actually authority is a little more subtle than that.

Most of us have come across people in our lives that can get things done with warmth and friendliness and others who rant and rave and nobody takes any notice.

So we explore different ways of expressing authority, acknowledging that it’s absolutely possible to be polite, friendly, clear, and respectful all at the same time.

When you get the hang of that kind of authority people tend to respond more positively.

5. How do I get my voice in the room?

One simple technique takes a little bit of thought beforehand: Choosing your position carefully. Sitting in the middle of the table or in the eyeline of the person you would like to direct your message at will make life a lot easier for you.

Other suggestions include speaking early to show you’re part of the conversation, agreeing with others, starting small and building from there.

Leaning in and raising your hand can indicate to others in the room that you have something to say.

Taking a deep breath can help to indicate to others that you have something to say and the breath will carry your voice so you can be heard.

6. What can I do if people speak over me?

This one is surprisingly common. Thankfully, it’s relatively easy to come up with different strategies to improve matters.

The first thing is to recognise that most of us speak over other people at different times in our lives. It is rarely done consciously or with malicious intent. It might be that the culprit is just so wrapped up in their thoughts or enthusiasm, they don’t even notice someone else is speaking.

So sometimes the right thing to do is to graciously allow the other person to have their say and then return to your point.

At other times you may wish to hold the floor.

Raising your voice is one way of doing that but is often badly received. Agreeing with the other person on some part of what they’re saying as a way of coming back in and retaking the floor can be more successful.

If this is something that happens to you a lot, it might be worth identifying a sympathetic soul who is prepared to act as an ally in the room and direct attention back to you when you are interrupted.

7. How do I talk about my achievements without showing off?

This is one of our favourite exercises on the programme. We call it “blowing your own trumpet”.

Speaking about your strengths, your impact, and your contribution is not about ego. It is about clarity. If people do not understand what you bring, they cannot value it fully.

A helpful approach is to focus on:

What difference did I make?

What outcome changed because I was involved?

This allows you to talk about your work in a grounded, factual and authentic way.

We have lots of suggestions for talking about personal successes in a way that comes across as inspiring or competent rather than boastful.

It might be talking about what you love about a project or how pleased you are with your contribution.

Again, practising the technique and getting feedback from others in the room is invaluable in shifting people’s perceptions of how they’re coming across. It gives them the confidence to then do it in the real world.

8. Why do I doubt myself, even when I know I am capable?

This is one of the most common questions, and it’s rarely about capability.

A lot has been said over the years about Impostor Syndrome and we now know that many people with different gender identities suffer from it, in different situations and at different points in their career.

Less is said about what causes it or what you can do about it.

We look at the internal narrative and the impact it is having:

What are you saying to yourself that you would never say to someone else?

And what could you say instead?

9. How do I balance high standards with not burning myself out?

This one is very much tied up with the last one.

Many women we work with hold themselves to very high standards.

They can be very self-critical and look for perfection rather than recognising what is working about what they’re doing.

This can be a strength, but it can also become exhausting.

So our job is to reset the measure of success.

Sometimes, the shift begins not with doing more, but with recognising what is already there.

We use another of Aspire’s collection of spectra to explore the range between perfection and rubbish, stopping off at excellent, very good and “It’ll do” along the way.

A useful question to reflect on is:

What does good enough look like here?

Not as a lowering of standards, but as a way of working sustainably.

10. Why am I hesitating to take the next step in my career?

This is quite a complex question because there are many factors that might influence someone’s hesitation to look for career progression. It can tie in with an individual’s personal definition of success, it might be about work-life balance, or it could be related to those earlier questions about self-doubt and a reluctance to blow your own trumpet.

So the answer is quite complex too.

It isn’t about saying you should just go for it. The conventional next step might not be the right one for you, or your personal definition of success might be exactly what you’re doing right now.

We offer the opportunity for reflection on the reasons for hesitation, taking into account all the different pressures so that an informed decision can be made – either way.

11. How do I stay true to myself as I progress into more senior roles?

It’s natural for us all to evolve as human beings. Most of us are not exactly the same now as we were when we were teenagers.

We shift to fit new roles in both personal life and work, as partners, parents, managers, leaders.

The pain comes when the shifts don’t feel authentic or comfortable. Hence the desire to stay true to ourselves as we progress.

The first step in staying true to yourself is to identify and recognise your true self. It can be easy in the busy-ness of business to lose sight of who you really are and what is important to you.

So on our Women in Management Programme we devote time to exploring values and beliefs, and their impact on personal style and authentic behaviours.

Having that clarity makes decision-making and leadership itself much easier.

For more information, check out our Women in Management Course!

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exploring how we come across to others

and

how do we hit the right note when it comes to getting our voices heard whilst respecting the rights and needs of others?

Some of the common reasons people come along or are “sent” to our Personal Impact and Assertiveness courses are because they want to feel more confident in meetings where they can feel their visibility or their voices are getting squashed, some want to be able to challenge ideas or requests without stirring up conflict or appearing “bossy”, and some just want some help representing themselves in a way that feels more authentic and true to the way they feel.

A lot of what stops us doing this is our fear of the impact we might have on others. Either that we might get trodden on or that we might be seen as a bully. We err on the side of caution and often end up rushing to the opposite side of the spectrum. So, for fear of being trodden on, we may gird our loins, square our shoulders and risk being aggressive. Or for fear of being aggressive or inconsiderate, we might dumb ourselves down, not interrupt, or mitigate our feedback with humour to soften the impact we fear it might have.

Here are some of the questions we often hear in our training rooms, along with some of our thoughts in response.

 What’s the difference between being assertive and being aggressive?

This is a good one to ask because it shows a level of self-awareness and a willingness to flex your approach.

Assertiveness isn’t necessarily about being louder, more aggressive or forcing your own way. The way we see it, it’s more about being clear about your intentions and your needs, whilst still respecting the intentions and needs of others.

Aggression seeks domination to control a situation, while assertiveness lays out a different viewpoint, whilst respecting opinions and discussion.

When assertiveness is missing, the needs of others may appear to be more important, and clarity and boundaries may go unacknowledged and often unnoticed. This means an important part of the bigger picture is missing for everyone involved.

How do I set boundaries without feeling rude or bossy?

Well – Practice makes perfect!

Many people worry that saying “No” will make them come across as unlikable, unhelpful, not a team player, lazy, etc.

What can help shift this concern is to take a long, hard look at what is a good use of your time (It’s easy to fall into the trap of doing an awful lot of stuff we’re not actually paid to do at the expense of focusing on our job description!).

Once that’s clear, then finding a way to put boundaries around what you can offer is a great way to serve the relationship and come across as helpful without overloading yourself. We call it “A Nice No”.

There are myriad options:  you may offer to do a part of what someone is asking for rather than all of it and then hand it back to them, you may point to where they can find information for themselves, or you may put a time frame on when you can do a task that suits you.

If you can’t do something, being honest about it is clarity – it’s not unhelpful. If you have constructive feedback to give someone, being straightforward and clear is helpful – and trusting them as an adult to receive the message and act on it is respectful.

Why do some people respond negatively when I’m simply being direct?

We all have our particular personalities, cultures, foibles, and ways of communicating, and that means what can seem direct to one person can come across as rude or abrasive to others.

This is where self-awareness and empathy are important. If you take a moment to understand the context, the communication and personality style of the other person/people before you speak, you can flex your style to suit them. Not to dilute your message but to help them to understand and respect your position. Sometimes you may choose to be more direct in your approach, and sometimes you may choose to be more polite. Neither is wrong, it’s just different horses for courses.

In this way you can start to consciously create the impact you choose.

How do I know I’m being true to myself and not just people-pleasing?

As your self-awareness grows, so will your sense of your own authenticity. There is a difference between flexing your style of communicating to suit the people you are talking to and rolling over into people-pleasing.

The more you know yourself, your values, and what you stand for, the more you can align your boundaries and behaviour with those. Crucially, that doesn’t mean you need to fall into anticipatory defence. You can hold an authentic position whilst being respectful of the position and needs of others.

People-pleasing is losing your own position and needs for the sake of others, even when it makes you uncomfortable. If you start to notice you are feeling signs of discomfort, anxiety, resentment or rising anger, it’s worth taking some time to think about what you could do to handle the situation differently.

In a meeting, how do I get my voice in the room when others dominate the space?

In the training room, we often set up a meeting table to explore this issue.

If you imagine the table is a room, and everyone around the table is against the walls. Then someone takes a step forward. All attention will go to the person who has moved into the central space.

If a meeting has been going on for a while and you haven’t spoken, and are sitting back in your chair, it’s like you’re leaning against the wall. You become a wallflower.

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be for people to notice you and allow you in when you do want to speak.

So… from the beginning of the meeting, sit up at the table with energy and actively look around at people as they speak. If you have the opportunity to agree with someone, make a small acknowledgement, or even ask a question, then do so. It means you are an active participant.

When the time comes when you want to say something, make a small gesture with your hand, a little further into the space of the table or the air in front of you. This will subtly draw attention in your direction. Then take a deep breath and speak in a positive tone whilst making gentle eye contact around the table, including those next to you.

Practice this when the stakes are low and you are not feeling intimidated. Then you will be ready when it really matters.

Is assertiveness something you’re born with or can it be learned?

Social skills can definitely be learned. You can be assertive whether you are shy or outgoing, loud or quietly spoken.

It takes some thought and a willingness to self-reflect. With self-awareness and emotional intelligence you can examine your patterns and learn what sits behind your actions.

By knowing who you are and your values, you can make an informed choice about how you want to come across and adapt your style as necessary. In this way, you are in the driving seat of your personal impact and assertiveness.

To find out more, check out our Personal Impact and Assertiveness course here.

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