If you’re like most parents, you probably spend enormous amounts of time and energy teaching about the importance of being responsible. You encourage it, you explain why it’s important, and you remind your child again and again why he should do the things he’s supposed to do. You complain, nag and lecture, but to no avail. It probably seems like you’re talking to a brick wall, because your kid still won’t clean his room, empty the dishwasher, complete his homework or apologize to his little brother unless you threaten and punish.

Instead of learning responsibility, your child is learning how to function in reaction to you.

Why is this such a hard lesson to teach—and why does learning to be responsible seem so hard for kids? It’s not because your child is hard-headed or a spoiled brat, or because you haven’t been trying to teach him about it. Here’s the hard pill to swallow: if your child is continually irresponsible, it could mean that you aren’t taking responsibility for your own behavior.

You’re probably saying, “That’s absurd. I certainly do take responsibility for my own behavior.” And I believe you. If I had to take a guess, you’ve probably been extremely vigilant about trying to convince your child that he should be more responsible. It might even define your relationship together—and you’re probably ready to tear your hair out over it. No doubt you’ve put in an enormous amount of effort to make certain he behaves well. But here’s the clincher: This intense focus on what your child should do gets in the way of his ability to be emotionally separate from you. You think you’re being helpful, but your actions actually aid his irresponsibility. That’s because he’s functioning in reaction to you instead of being responsible for himself. (I’ll explain more about that later.)

So what does this have to do with you not accepting responsibility for your own behavior? When you move your focus off of your child and onto yourself by taking responsibility for how you will act, your child will likely learn to be more accountable for his behavior. Think of it this way: If you jump into his box and tell him what to do and how to act, how responsible for himself can he become? The two of you have effectively become entangled. Instead, stay in your own box, maintain your boundaries and take responsibility for yourself.

Related: How to parent effectively and calmly.

Here’s an example. Let’s say your adult son always shows up at the last minute and expects dinner to be waiting for him. When he arrives, you start lecturing him about how he should call ahead, while you’re scurrying around getting food on the table for him. You continue to criticize him for his inconsiderate attitude while waiting on him hand and foot. Trust me, this will not teach him anything about being more thoughtful in the future. In fact, you’ve probably motivated him to come as late as possible next time to avoid criticism and stress. A better way to handle it is to tell him if he doesn’t let you know he’s coming home for dinner by four p.m., you won’t be able to make anything for him—and then stick to your word. The key is that you’re taking responsibility for what you will and won’t do here and letting him deal with the natural consequences. No lectures, no preaching, no criticizing, no personalizing. Respect his ability to make choices, even if you don’t agree with them. (Not letting you know he’s coming home for dinner.) Respond to those choices from your own best and most responsible thinking and actions. (Set a limit and stick to it. If he doesn’t call by the time you’ve stated, you won’t make him dinner.) Even though it may feel uncomfortable, taking responsibility for yourself will likely earn his respect. The goal isn’t to change him—you can’t. The goal is to become a strong, clear individual who he respects and who is inspiring.

Related: Let consequences work for you.

Here are four needed steps to get away from lecturing, nagging and punishing that will help you move toward having more responsible kids.

1. Put the lecture on “pause.” When you’re worried about your child’s irresponsibility and you’re about to lecture and preach, stop for a moment and breathe. The moment between your child’s action and your response is your most important parenting moment. It is in this space that you can choose to respond from a knee-jerk reaction or from a more thoughtful place. The knee-jerk response often calms you down momentarily, but it’s the start to becoming a nag. When you pause and think about the bigger picture, you can make a better choice: the choice to stay out of your child’s box and to remain emotionally separate. Although it doesn’t feel as good—you’re not scratching that reactionary itch—you know that it can lead to a more responsible parent- child relationship. Without the pause, it’s easy to let your emotions lead you astray.

2. Shift your gaze off of your child—and onto yourself. Confront yourself with the important questions. Ask yourself, “What would a responsible parent do in this situation? What are my options if my child is not acting responsibly—and which option do I want to choose? And am I willing to live with the possible consequences of that choice?”

Let’s say you wanted your 16-year-old son to get a part-time job last summer. He kept saying he was looking, but never put applications in anywhere and ended up sitting around the house. Now that the school year has started, he’s not getting his work done, and when he does, he somehow forgets to hand it in to the teacher. And what’s worse, the angrier you get, the more detached and flat he gets.

First, stop and ask yourself, “Is there any way I might be contributing to my child’s irresponsibility? Have I set myself up to be the nag, or am I over-functioning for him?” You’re taking the obligation off of him because you’re serving as a constant reminder about what he should be doing. This gets in the way of your child being able to hear his own voice. Now, instead of learning responsibility, he’s learning to function in reaction to you.

I think it’s more effective to determine what your bottom line is, and then give consequences when your child doesn’t do his job. Always go back to, “What’s my responsibility here, and what’s my child’s?” The consequence in the case listed above might be that your child has to do his school work in the living room and not in his bedroom, or that he can’t watch TV until his homework is done for the evening.

3. What does my child need? Understand that kids with ADHD, ADD or other learning disabilities may need a different kind of guidance from parents. Perhaps they often forget homework at school or neglect to hand it in, even when they’ve done it. If this is the situation in your family, your job is to help your child create a structure for himself. You will likely have to stay more involved and check in more often. Another thing to ask yourself is, “What does this child need?” Not, “What do my kids need,” but “What does this particular kid need?” And then determine what your responsibilities are and aren’t.

It might be that you have to help your child design a chart to keep track of what he has to do. But he should then be in charge of putting a check next to those things when they get done.

Related: Does your child make you feel worried and anxious?

4. Know when you’re in your child’s box. Most of the time we’re not necessarily aware that we have crossed boundaries. There are usually signs that you have stepped into your child’s box. It might be when you’re feeling frazzled, at the end of your rope, and frustrated. On the other hand, when you feel calm and engaged in your own interests, that may indicate that you’re in your own box. Know what the triggers are that cause you to jump from your box to his. Try to increase your awareness of yourself.

Most of us think we’re teaching our kids responsibility. But truth be told, we’re really preaching it. And guess what? This only creates more dependency. Dependency in relationships doesn’t encourage kids to be responsible for themselves—quite the opposite, in fact. The more you act in ways that respect your own values and principles, the more you will promote the necessary emotional separateness between yourself and your child. Why is this important? The more emotionally separate you are, the freer your child is to see you more clearly, with all your strengths and weaknesses—which allows him to see himself more clearly. You’re no longer in his box or in his head, telling him what to do all the time. And the more clearly or objectively your child sees himself and others and acts on that awareness, the more responsible for himself he can become.

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

by Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and family togetherness. So why do you end up feeling so stressed, exhausted and overwhelmed? Why is it also a time when so many kids act their worst? Most importantly, how can you make the upcoming holiday season a more calm and peaceful one—even if you have a child who frequently misbehaves and acts out? Debbie Pincus, the creator of The Calm Parent AM & PM program, has worked with parents and families for decades, helping them find that sense of balance and calm during even the most stressful times—and she has real solutions for you, too.

The expectation is that our children should look good and behave well—and when this doesn’t happen, we can start to feel like we’re somehow failing as parents.

Related: Is your child’s behavior making you crazy?

Our culture tells us that the holidays are supposed to be happy, peaceful, loving times. But we also know that the “supposed to’s”–in other words, all the expectations that go along with this time of year—carry a lot of pressure with them. The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, fun, connection, and love. We feel compelled to choose the perfect gifts, spend money, cook delicious meals, and decorate our homes with utmost care. Along with that pressure comes an increase in family togetherness, which often adds to the friction in the house. And the other expectation is that our children should look good and behave well—and when this doesn’t happen, we can start to feel like we’re somehow failing as parents.

Anxiety is the key culprit here, because feeling anxious and reacting to our anxiety leads to “reactivity.” That’s when you lose it and yell at your kids without pausing to think first and then respond. For most of us, being reactive to each other during this peak time of year goes against our ideal image of ourselves and our family, only adding more fuel to the fire.

As a result, you’ll probably feel irritable and overwhelmed. To manage those bad feelings, you might start blaming your kids or judging yourself or your spouse. Perhaps you’re particularly anxious about how your kids will behave when your parents are in town, for example. Your tension is already high before they even arrive, and your children pick up on your anxiety and react to it by acting out. This causes you to lose it with your kids—right about the moment your parents walk through the door and look at you with judgment in their eyes.

Related: How to manage your child’s behavior, no matter who’s watching.

It’s important to understand that anxiety is highly contagious in families. Even happy events can cause stress—and feelings of stress can spread like wildfire if we let them get out of control. For instance, if you come from a family that doesn’t feel too comfortable with its family members being too much of their own individuals, you might hear comments dropped at family gatherings such as, “Why do you let your daughter walk all over you? Your sister would never put up with that.” Statements like these can cause shame, embarrassment, frustration and anger. You might manage that intensity by losing it and yelling at your daughter, by withdrawing and keeping quiet, by getting into someone else’s box, or by deflecting your feelings of stress onto a third person. Unfortunately, the ways in which we try to manage the anxiety usually increase the tension.

Related: Anxiety getting the better of you?

Parents often ask me, “How can I manage to enjoy the holidays when I have so much to do and my kids are acting out in front of relatives?”  But instead of pulling out techniques to keep your kids in line, I want you to ask yourself an entirely different question this year, and that question is, “How might I contribute—not cause, but contribute—to my child’s acting out behavior?”

1. Do I buy into expectations that over-stress my family?
2. Do I tend to become over-controlling and bossy when stressed?
3. Do I take on too much responsibility for everyone’s good time and happiness, inadvertently causing stress?
4. Do I take on too much and not ask for enough help?

Perhaps the most important question to ask yourself is, “What do I need to get control over my own behavior at these times? What do I need to change in myself that will create more calm and peace inside of me?” The truth is, if you can get yourself under control and take responsibility for your anxiety levels, that feeling will spread to your family members—and you’ll probably experience less anger and defiance from your kids, as well.

So what can you do to achieve this calm? Here are some steps to follow this holiday season.

1. Remind yourself that your child’s behavior is not ultimately a reflection of you. When you think everything your child does is a reflection of you and your parenting, you will probably work to control them, which will cause them to be reactive to you. If you stop trying to manage your child’s misbehavior, they won’t be so busy resisting your efforts. Instead of trying to control him, give him consequences for his behavior and hold him accountable.

2. Try to keep to normal routines as much as possible. During the holidays, it’s easy for your kids to become over-stimulated. They’re tired from all the activity and lack of routine, have probably eaten more sweets or spent too much time with siblings around the holiday season. As best you can, try to keep routines in place. Remember, the same rules apply.

3. Ask family members for help in planning and preparing. Make your children feel like they’re an integral part of the events taking place, rather than a thorn in your side. Give them responsibilities and have them do some of the planning and the work involved in getting everything ready.

4. Learn to say “no.” Don’t let other people’s expectations push you to extremes or into doing too much or too little. Let go of the expectations and the “supposed to’s” and create your own criteria that make sense for your family at this time in your life. Maybe this year you simply won’t buy presents for everyone and will decide instead to pick names out of a hat. Or maybe you’ll just skip some of the seasonal events that aren’t fun anymore.

5. Don’t make the holidays a free pass for bad behavior. If your kids are misbehaving, hold them accountable to better behavior as you would at any time of the year. Provide the consequences that you know are right for them, even if grandparents or aunts and uncles are suggesting “better” ways of disciplining them. If you have done the honest work of looking at yourself and the real needs of your children, then you’ll know how to best discipline them—even if others want to impose their way.

Related: How to give effective consequences and hold your child accountable for his behavior.

6. Listen to yourself and don’t get sidetracked. Make it your number one commitment to not lose your cool no matter how others are behaving. You’ll feel better and will be the anchor that provides calm for all. You don’t have to hope for a good holiday season—you can decide to make it a good holiday season by recognizing that your good time is up to you and no one else. You can decide how you will behave, no matter how others behave. Of course, by making “keeping your cool” a number one priority, you’ll create a calm that will be contagious.

7. Have some slogans you can say to yourself to help you get through the stress. You might say, “Just let it go,” or “This too will pass,” or “It’s not personal.” Try to swap negative thoughts that may come up with one of these slogans.

8. Be clear. Be clear about what you expect from family members. You should also be clear about what you are and aren’t responsible for. Don’t over function for others as a way to manage your stress and then resent others because you feel burdened. Focus on yourself. Define your own expectations that make sense for you and your family.

9. All is not lost, even if you lose it. Let’s say your child starts an argument with you when you’re out shopping or cooking a meal for your family. You’ve had enough, and you lose it and start screaming. What can you say to yourself after that happens to get back on track? Start by letting yourself know that it’s okay and understandable to lose your temper. There’s a lot of stress at this time of year. Give yourself a break and get right back on track. Be self-compassionate and check in with yourself. Ask yourself if you’re doing too much and buying into expectations that you actually don’t want to be doing.

Related: Your child wants to push your buttons—will you let him?

10. Take time to try something new. The holidays can be a wonderful time to get to know your family. Try to see them through fresh eyes. Tell them about yourself and listen to them without needing anything in return. Think of some things you’re grateful for, and share your list with your family. It might be something small, like the fact that you can share a meal together, or spend time together over the holiday—or that you were able to get through your day without a fight.

It’s important to understand that we all carry expectations with us for the holidays. That stress spills onto our kids, who already may have behavior problems. They end up reacting to our anxiety by act outing and misbehaving. Let’s say you have a kid who is really defiant, acts out, and embarrasses you in front of the relatives. Perhaps you’re dreading the holidays, because you’re sure he’s going to embarrass you again this year. Just keep in mind, again, that your child is not necessarily a reflection of you. If he’s really acting out at a family gathering, instead of reacting by yelling or withdrawing, you might say, “I’m sorry for the disruption. He’s having a hard time right now and hasn’t quite learned skills to better handle his stress. We’re working on it.”

The bottom line is that there will be much more positive family togetherness this season if you pause and think about how you want to respond to your child—and to zingers from extended family members.

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

by Janet Lehman, MSW

Does your child ignore your requests to clean his room? Does he seem unable or unwilling to do even the simplest household chores? How do you teach a child to be responsible without nagging and screaming? In addition to being a mom herself, Janet Lehman, MSW, is a social worker who successfully ran residential treatment homes for troubled teens for years. Read on to learn practical ways to get your child to be more responsible.

Your child should have to earn independence by being able to handle responsibility.

EP: Janet, most parents have a tough time teaching their children to be more responsible. Some kids are really resistant and will argue with you over every request. Is it realistic to believe most kids can learn responsibility?

JL: Yes, I absolutely believe it is possible for almost all kids. Most of the teens I worked with in residential treatment centers had little or no experience with appropriate responsibility. By the time they left, they would often say to me, “I hated you at first, but you made me do things I’d never done before. You were tough but you helped me to change and to grow up.” I think that’s just how it feels sometimes for kids. Most of the time, they’re really not happy with you for asking them to do things. But when they reach adulthood, they usually understand that this is how you’ve helped them grow up.

Related: Having a hard time getting through to your child?

EP: What would you say to parents who find themselves yelling, screaming and nagging their kids to do chores, homework, or other tasks?

JL: In my experience, yelling and screaming really don’t accomplish much. If you’re nagging your child over a task all the time, it’s probably the wrong task. In other words, give realistic responsibility towards realistic independence. One example is parents who buy pets for children. Realistically, most kids are not going to be able to take on the full responsibility of managing a pet. A younger child is not going to be capable of it and adolescents do not always have the focus to take that all on. Some pieces should be taken on by your child but other pieces are probably going to fall to you, more like a co-responsibility.

Look at how important the task is in your child’s life. Is it a skill they need to acquire at that point in time? Is it something that may have consequences if they fail to do it? If they don’t get up for school and they miss a class, it’s going to create problems in school and their grades might be affected. Other things, like making the bed every day, may not be as important and may not have particular consequences attached to it.

Either way, make sure, whether it’s a task of responsibility or a task of independence, that your child has the best chance to succeed. The goal is to coach, teach and support your kids in gaining independence so they can become independent, responsible adults. It may seem obvious to you how to load the dishwasher. But your child may need to be taught what goes where. By teaching him to do it, you’re giving him the chance to succeed.

Related: Does your child fail to respond to consequences?

EP: So it’s important not to bite off more than your child can chew when it comes to responsibility.

JL: I think parents need to take it step by step and be reasonable with their goals. Expecting perfection from kids who take on new responsibilities is probably not going to work. Be realistic and pick and choose what you’re going to battle over, if anything. And remember, you can always back down. Just because you’ve set something up, you can step back from it and reset your expectations if it’s not working. And always start with something smaller and easier; pick something manageable for your child.

This is why it’s also easier to start when your child is younger. Match the building of responsibilities with their age and their actual ability. You’re not going to expect an eight-year-old to rake the whole lawn or shovel the driveway by themselves, for example, but you might expect them to come out for half an hour and help you. If your child has a hard time keeping her room clean, you might want to set up areas in the room that have different purposes: a play area, a sleep area and a clothing area. This breaks the chore into smaller, more manageable parts, especially for a younger child.

EP: It sounds like this is the way to build independence in kids, too.

JL: You can’t really talk about independence without talking about responsibility. Your child should have to earn independence by being able to handle responsibility. You can start giving age-appropriate responsibilities to kids as young as five or six. An example might be an expectation that your first grader will get ready for school in the morning and begin to take care of his room a little. You need to help him at this young age by taking on the teacher and coach roles. Remember, you’re a role model for your child and you’re also encouraging and supporting him when he gets it right. Never miss a chance to catch your child being good.

EP: When you set an expectation for responsibility or an independent task and it’s not working, what can you do?

JL: I always advise parents to step back and assess the situation first. Step away from the argument and talk with your spouse about what’s going on. Regroup. Take a good look at what is working with that expectation for your child, and then look at what isn’t working.

There are 5 questions I think you can ask that will help you as you decide how to handle the situation.

1. What things are really important to you as a family? If taking care of pets is really important and your child has a role in that, then as a family, that’s an important piece. But if no one else makes the bed in the family, for example, it may not be an important thing to expect of that child. This is what I mean by choosing what you’re going to do battle over.
2. What things are really important to your child and their life? It may not be important to you that your child chooses their own TV programs in the evening. But for your child, it may be really important to do that. Or it may be very important for your six-year-old to pick out her own clothes. If these tasks give your child age appropriate independence, I say let them do it.
3. Does the expectation contribute to the family or household? If your child has a responsibility to empty the dishwasher and that helps the next person who has to set the table, that’s a more important task than something that doesn’t have any connection to anyone else in the family.
4. Can there be some give and take? Can there be a choice to do something similar but different? There may be something your child is more willing or able to do that might be more meaningful to the rest of the family. Remember, the goal is for your child to succeed at what he’s doing and to build on that success.
5. Are there things you can do to help organize your child? Can you help structure that particular task or responsibility so that your child can be more successful? Setting it up so your child can more easily sort the recycling by having a designated area and special bins set up might do wonders to get the job done.

Related: Locked in a power struggle with your child? Learn how to stop fighting with him now.

EP: What kinds of conversations should you have with your child about their responsibilities to the family?

JL: You may need to sit down with your kids and talk about all the things that you have on your plate and how you need them to help out. My husband James used to tell our son: “Everyone in the family has a responsibility for the family. Our job is to go to work each day and support the family. Your job is to go to school, learn, come home and contribute to the family.”

I think you should be clear with your child about the business aspect of being a family. Chores and school are part of your family’s business, and everyone has a job in that business. Phrasing it this way makes it easier for a child of any age to understand.

I know that things are tough for parents right now. There may be situations where one of you lost your job and you’re going to need to expect more of your kids than you might have in the past. Depending on your child’s age, you can sit down and talk to them about that openly and ask them, “Are there ways you think you might be helpful to the family?” And again, if things don’t work, regroup. Re-discuss. Look at your priorities.

When you’re giving your child a responsibility to carry out around the house, you might say, “Before you sit down and have your snack when you get home from school, please empty the dishwasher.” If you tie it in more logically to other things that your child is doing, he’ll be less likely to forget or do something else instead of that task. Some younger kids need visual reminders, such as a chart on the wall with stars. Other children just need some structure and some consistent expectations. And some kids just need to know that their parents mean it and that they’re not going to cave in with the new task or a new responsibility.

EP: How about if I haven’t asked my child to help out around the house, but now I need him to pitch in? Is it ever too late?

JL: If you haven’t built in this responsibility over the years, your child may become overly dependent on you. But remember, it’s never too late to start. So if you have a 14-year-old who’s never done dishes or made his bed or contributed to the family, you can still begin to teach responsibility now. Don’t throw it all at your child at one time; you’re still going to have to build up to it. If he’s 14 and he’s never done anything around the house, he probably doesn’t even think he can. You may have to show him how to make his bed or sort the recycles. We assume that kids know how we want things done, and the fact is, they often don’t. Even though your child may be older, if he’s never done these things before, you still have to take it step-by-step and build on skills. Your child has to be able to show some success.

EP: What if they just refuse? Do you give consequences?

JL: It depends on the task and its importance. If your child is not getting up to go to school, there are going to be consequences. He has to be able to go to school. If it’s something that’s less connected to his success, it may be more effective to find another task that’s going to be a little bit more successful.

Most people want to succeed at being responsible, and believe it or not, most kids really do want to be responsible. They don’t want to do a lot of work, but they want to feel like they are contributing members of the family. You might have to build that—and I know that with some kids, it’s harder than others. Keep that in mind and remember that you might have to teach some basic skills. Without those basic skills, your child may not know how to solve the problem of chores. And besides, aren’t teaching and coaching a whole lot less frustrating than nagging and screaming?

Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years and is the co-creator of The Total Transformation Program. She is a social worker who has held a variety of positions during her career, including juvenile probation officer, case manager, therapist and program director for 22 years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult children.

Kids and Lying: Does Your Child Twist the Truth?

by Janet Lehman, MSW

You: “You failed your biology test? You said you studied!”

Your child: “Well, I forgot my books at school the night before the test. It wasn’t my fault!”

You: “Why didn’t you tell me? I’m so tired of your lies.”

When your child lies to you, whether she does it by telling a half–truth or conveniently “forgetting” some key facts, it’s frustrating and upsetting. You wonder, “How can I trust her if she’s not being honest with me?” And if this behavior turns into a habit, it becomes difficult to know when your child is telling the truth, twisting it a little—or making up a complete fabrication.

“When your child lies, it doesn’t mean she’s inherently dishonest or unethical—it just means she’s solving her problems in a faulty way in order to get out of punishment or consequences.”

As hard as lying is to deal with, I want to be clear here and say that it’s a normal part of growing up. It’s another way for kids to test the limits and see how far they can go, and most kids will do it at one time or another. It’s important to realize that when your child lies, it doesn’t mean she’s inherently dishonest or unethical—it just means she’s solving her problems in a faulty way in order to get out of punishment or consequences. The danger with allowing this behavior to continue is that your child will keep using this technique to cover up mistakes and the faulty coping skill will become a bad habit.

Related: Teach your child to stop lying and start solving his problems appropriately.

I think one of the biggest problems with this issue is that parents often overreact or under–react when kids lie. Don’t get me wrong, parenting is hard, and most of us are exhausted at the end of the day. It’s easy to let half–truths slide by without saying anything because on the surface, these distortions of the truth can seem harmless. We minimize their importance, but in doing so, we also teach our kids that lying is an acceptable way to solve their problems. Or we overreact and take it personally, and start to believe that our children are somehow intrinsically flawed or untrustworthy. But both ways of approaching lying in children are ineffective—and neither will make the behavior stop.

Half–truths, Omissions and Misrepresentations of the Truth

Don’t kid yourself: half-truths, omissions, and misrepresentations of the truth are really the same as lying. It all comes down to the same thing—your child is not giving you complete information. Why do kids do this in the first place? In addition to using lying as a quick fix to get out of trouble, they also see other children, older siblings and even the adults around them being less than honest at times. They see examples of these behaviors, often without seeing any negative consequence for the lie. As a parent, you just want to make sure that lying is uncomfortable for your child so he doesn’t use it to solve his problems. In my opinion, you shouldn’t be surprised or shocked when your child lies—instead, be prepared. Decide ahead of time how you’ll deal with the situation when you catch your child in a half–truth and then follow through on it. And always remember to stay as neutral and objective as possible when you do this—your child probably isn’t lying to make you look bad or to hurt you; he’s lying because he doesn’t know a better way to solve his problems yet.

When Our Son Lied: How We Handled It

I’ll give you an example from my own life. When our son was in first grade, he came home from school one afternoon acting as if he’d had a good day. But later that afternoon I got a call from the teacher saying that he’d bitten another child on the playground. Our son had lied by omission; he didn’t tell us about his misbehavior. We dealt with it by saying, “We got a phone call from your school and they told us what you did. This is very serious behavior.” We let him know that it wasn’t okay to omit the facts and pretend as if nothing had happened. Then we sent him to his room.

For kids, it’s tempting to leave out information about school because parents aren’t there and don’t know what happened. That’s why it’s really important to have that dialogue with your child’s teacher. You need to know what’s going on at school; do whatever you can to get a general sense of the situation. I always say that parents need to be good detectives where their kids are concerned, and having good lines of communication open with the school will help you understand what’s really going on when incidents crop up again.

Later, when our son was a teenager, he and some friends engaged in some minor vandalism in our town on Halloween night. Again, he came home and didn’t mention anything—but this time, he sat down with us the next morning and told us what he’d done. We handled it by having him call the police immediately and turn himself in. They made him write an account of what happened and he was dealt with through the legal system. We didn’t involve the other kids who’d been there that night—we just focused on our own child. While calling the police is a choice every parent has to make on their own, we felt the consequence was appropriate, given what he had done.

Was it easy to follow through on this decision? Not at all. I understand how hard it is for parents to handle difficult situations like this one. Often it takes a great deal of energy as a parent to be consistent, but it’s so important to have consequences and follow through on them. And it’s the best way to show your child that you can be trusted to be there for them.

When You Catch Your Child in a Lie

Our job as parents is to go to work and provide a home for our kids, while our child’s job is to go to school and fulfill his responsibilities at home. As I mentioned before, I believe it’s also part of our job to stay actively involved and know how our children are doing in school. Let’s say your teen daughter tells you that everything’s going fine academically and then you learn she’s failing in two subjects. When something like that happens, both you and your child need to do things differently. At this point in time it would be helpful to be more vigilant and start checking her homework. You might also meet with her teachers and set up stronger lines of communication.

When you discuss these changes with your child, you don’t have to talk at great length about her half truths and lying. Instead, you can say, “I don’t like that you’re not being honest with me. You said that things were going well in school, but they’re not. Now I’m going to be more involved in making sure you’re doing your homework until you show me that you can be responsible and bring your grades back up.” If your child continues misrepresenting the truth, you can set limits by giving her less free time until she completes her schoolwork at a satisfactory level. You can say, “If you do your work, you get the same amount of free time. If you don’t, you’ll have less.” I can’t state this enough: When you confront your child in these situations, stay matter of fact and objective. It’s not about you; it’s about the situation at hand. Try to avoid either overreacting or under–reacting. Be honest, above board and clear. And again, it’s the follow through that’s important.

Related: How to follow through and be consistent as a parent.

When You’re Not Sure If Your Child is Lying

If you have a hunch your child isn’t telling the truth, it’s important to talk to her—but you have to be careful and non–intrusive. A way to discuss something you suspect is happening is to start by expressing the concern you feel. You can say, “It seems like there’s something going on and I’m worried about you.” Deliver that concern in a matter of fact, caring way. If your child tries to avoid the discussion or has a reaction that makes you even more worried, this is a good indicator that you need to look into the situation further. Kids also need to know that you’re going to follow through, so you should say something like, “I’m pretty concerned about this situation. I don’t really know the details right now and you’re not willing to tell me, but I’m going to talk to your friend’s mother to find out more about it.” In this way, you’re not charging in there and accusing your child of something without all the details. Instead, you’re stating your concern and telling them that you’re going to find out more of the details.

If you actually catch your child in a lie, I think it’s always good to be direct and calm. The message doesn’t need to be complicated—instead, keep it simple and specific. It’s also up to you to control the conversation—in fact, it’s important to avoid getting into long–winded discussions, particularly if your child is a junior lawyer who’s very good at twisting the facts. When this happens, it becomes more about the words and the slicing and dicing of the situation than the actual situation itself. You can say, “I know that you took your sister’s new sweater; I found it on the floor in your closet. That’s not okay. You need to apologize to her and pay to have it dry cleaned, or buy her a new one.” Instead of engaging in the argument that your child might try to draw you into, get up and walk away.

Consequences for Lying

In most cases, I recommend that you give consequences for the behavior rather than for the lie. Again, your child is using lying, half truths and misrepresentations of the truth to solve a problem. But I also believe there are certain times when you should give your child consequences for lying, as well. Let’s say your teen tells you he’s going to a friend’s house to sleepover, but you find out from a neighbor that he and his friends were out all night in town. In this situation, I would give a consequence both for the inappropriate, risky behavior and for the lie.

If you say to your child, “Were you out last night?” and he says, “Yes, I was. I snuck out with my friends and I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have done it.” This is an opportunity for your child to admit his mistake. There should still be consequences for that, but for the teen who says, “No way; I wasn’t out! That wasn’t me,” you’re also dealing with denial. Either way, there will be consequences for both the lying and the risky behavior. For the child who admits his mistake, you might set the limit of not allowing him to sleep over at a friend’s house until you can see he’s adhering to his curfew and being honest about coming home. But if there’s total denial on the part of your child, the consequences need to be more severe. He may lose his privileges to go out and to sleep over at a friend’s house for a longer period of time. You’ll also be watching him more carefully. The ante will be upped, so to speak. The important thing is that you’re monitoring your child—and he knows that you’re doing it. Your child won’t thank you for restricting his behavior for a time, but he will respect you for sticking to your limits.

Related: How to give consequences to your child that really work.

We work so hard as parents and often feel pretty overwhelmed when our kids lie. But remember, you’ll do a better job when you respond objectively instead of reacting emotionally in these situations. You’re not a bad parent because your child tells a lie or misrepresents the truth—this is simply a chance for him to learn that lying isn’t the right way to solve his problems. The way to be a good parent in these situations is to call your child on his actions, give consequences and follow through.

Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years and is the co-creator of ?utm_medium=epexperts&utm_source=eparticles&utm_content=bio&utm_campaign=tt”>The Total Transformation Program. She is a social worker who has held a variety of positions during her career, including juvenile probation officer, case manager, therapist and program director for 22 years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult children.

Calm Parenting: Anger Management in Children and Teens

by Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

Many parents want to know how to manage anger in their children. Maybe your child acts out and is belligerent, and you’re at a loss to help him control those feelings. Not only is it upsetting to see, it impacts the entire family.

But here’s the truth: Whenever we want to manage someone else’s feelings, particularly our child’s, not only is it impossible, but it will also make the child angrier. No one likes to feel managed or controlled, and trying to figure out ways to contain someone else’s intensity will just add fuel to the fire. The natural reaction for a child—or anyone else—is to resist feeling controlled.

“Believe it or not, the best way to help manage your child’s angry emotions is to stop trying to manage them.”

If you’re trying to figure out how to manage your child’s anger, you might want to take a closer look at the basic relationship patterns that exist between the two of you currently. Is your pattern one in which you try to manage him in other ways as well? Do you carry the common parenting myth that you’re responsible for the outcome of your child’s behaviors, feelings and thoughts? If you believe you’re able to succeed at that, your child will go out of his way to show you that you’re just not that powerful by resisting you through defiance and anger.

Related: Does your child push your buttons?

Believe it or not, the best way to help manage your child’s angry emotions is to stop trying to manage them. Recognize that you’re not responsible for how he feels or behaves; you’re only responsible for how you feel and behave toward him. Allow him to have his own feelings, perspectives and identity. Be with him as he experiences intense feelings of anger, rather than jumping into his box and trying to make him feel differently. This is when you can start being instrumental in helping him with this issue. If you’re emotionally untangled from your child, you will also see him more clearly and realistically, rather than from your own perspective.

For example, let’s say your 14-year-old daughter wants to stay out late and asks for your permission. This situation already has a catch, because as far as she’s concerned, there’s only one right answer and she already knows it. But let’s say your answer is no. She immediately starts tantruming, throwing things, and threatening you. Her anger is in full force and continues to escalate. When you try to give her your logical reasons for saying no, she just gets more infuriated.

It’s very easy to want to manage her anger at this point by giving in to her wishes—or by yelling or screaming back. But instead, pause, breathe, and give the problem back to her. If she wants permission for something, don’t feel compelled to say “yes” or “no” so quickly. Let her do the work instead of you feeling it’s your job. How do you do that? You can say, “I’m willing to consider letting you stay out past your curfew after the homecoming game, but how will you make it work for us? Dad and I give you curfews for your own safety. If we are to say yes, and I’m not promising that we will, what steps would you take to ensure your safety? And if we do say yes to your request, how will you make us feel like responsible parents when you are out until one in the morning?” In other words, it’s her job to get you to yes. This changes the pattern and often de-escalates a power struggle very effectively.

Related: Stop power struggles in your house today.

Here’s another scenario: Let’s say your six-year-old son is angry because he wanted to go for breakfast at the pancake house, but instead your family went with his brother’s preference, the diner. Your six-year-old spends the entire meal furious and sulking, and this mood continues for the rest of the day. Make no mistake, one of the aims of his fury is to keep an intense emotional engagement with you. You might feel annoyed by his sulking, or even guilty for not giving him what he wanted. Perhaps you respond by getting angry back at him or trying to talk him out of his feelings. You say something like, “Oh c’mon, Josh, it’s only a restaurant. Cheer up.” Realize that any of these reactions—guilt, irritation or your attempt to cheer him up—will usually only intensify his anger. He knows you’re trying to get him to stop feeling a certain way so he’ll just dig in his heels and prolong the uncomfortable situation. At this point, you have to be careful not to get angry at him even though your attempts to change his feelings didn’t work; this will only cause a counter-attack. Don’t give in or give him anything to respond to—remember, his aim is to keep the emotional interaction going. Seeing that he’s made you feel bad—or hearing you beg him for forgiveness—will only serve as ammunition.

So what can you do? Absolutely nothing. Allow him to be angry and sulk. Act towards him like you would any child who’s in a bad mood and not talking. Don’t force a response from him. So if you’re at the diner and you say, “Josh, could you pass me the bacon? “ and he ignores you, continue with something like, “Oh well, I’ll have to reach over and get it myself.” Essentially what you’re saying to him is, “You may be very angry right now, but I’m not. You can be in a bad mood and I will continue to be in my good mood.” The other important message you’re sending is the following: “I’m not mad at you for not feeling and behaving the way I would like you to. And I don’t love you any less because of it.”

But what about those terrible, awful temper tantrums? We all want to manage those because they’re hard to take. (I’m not talking here about a tantrum where your child is frustrated and just needs a hug—I’m talking about an “I want my way” tantrum.) It doesn’t matter if your child is three or 43, no one likes the feeling of trying to be emotionally controlled or contained. What is a child, or an adult for that matter, saying through his or her tantrums? “I am not getting my way; I want my way; and I want that to change now!” But again, trying to stop your child’s fury will only make it worse.

Like many parents, you may have used different types of anger management on your child in the past when he was in the throes of his explosion. You might have given in to his demands, or gotten angry and threatened him with punishment. You may even have tried reasoning with him. But any of these attempts probably just prolonged the tantrum and deepened its intensity. Remember, your child feels like the tantrum was a success once he has an audience and/or gets a reaction from you. What you want to do instead is make the annoying behavior as ineffective as possible—and to do this, you must ignore it. When ignoring it is no longer possible, separate yourself from the tantruming child. Separation is necessary until the tantrum is over. Understand that this is not a punishment. Let your child know that he’s welcome to return when he is calm. In effect, you’re saying to your child, “You are welcome to tantrum but not around me. And it won’t get you what you want.” If you continually make the behavior ineffective, there will be fewer tantrums.

What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Angry and Defiant

Teens who are oppositional, defiant or angry much of the time will frequently try to draw you into arguments and power struggles. The best thing you can do is be your solid self and figure out what your limits are: what will you or won’t you put up with? Then disengage and let your child learn how to regulate his emotions of disappointment and frustration. And when I say “disengage,” I mean truly disengage. One word of caution: disengaging can enrage people, so don’t do it as a reactive, emotional response to your child. You can calmly say, “You have my answer. We can talk about this when we’ve both calmed down,” and then walk away. After that, don’t respond to him or “get into it” again, no matter how much he tries to draw you in. Your child’s goal is to keep things stirred up and continue the engagement with you. The more you react, the more he’ll pull you in, so you’re just fueling the power struggle if you continue. Now let’s say you go into your bedroom, but your child keeps banging on the door or keeps coming in to argue with you. Just ignore his attempts to pull you in—turn on the radio or the TV. If your child is old enough, you can go for a walk or a drive. Note: If you feel endangered at any point—if your child is kicking down your door, for example, or threatening you—then one option is to call the police and tell them you don’t feel safe.

6 Tips to Help You Deal with Your Angry Child Effectively

Here are 6 things you can do that won’t escalate the situation—or result in a power struggle—when your child is angry.

1. You can’t manage anyone’s feelings or behaviors—stop trying. You will only increase your child’s anger and resistance. Let him feel what he’s feeling; allow him to sit in his anger or disappointment. Remember, finding ways to cope with his uncomfortable feelings is a crucial part of developing into a mature adult.

2. Try to see your child as objectively and clearly as possible. Work on becoming emotionally separate enough to be able to see him without taking his behavior personally—or taking it on yourself. Understand what your child might be going through by seeing things through his lenses, not yours. Allow him to have feelings that make you uncomfortable.

3. Your child is not you. By accepting that your child has feelings that make you uncomfortable, you can better determine your response—and ways you can be most useful to her. And you can best help her manage her strong emotions by managing your own.

4. Think instead of react. Ask yourself, “When my child gets angry, what gets stirred up in me? What can I do with my feelings that won’t add fuel to the fire?” Remind yourself that your child’s job is not to behave or feel the way you think he should so that you can feel good—that’s your job. Your child is entitled to his own experiences. Pause and think, “What are the values and principles I want to live by in response to my child’s behavior?”

5. Wait until your child asks you for help in managing their anger. If you try to jump in and give advice without your child’s consent, she’ll probably feel you attempting to change her—and she’ll resist and get even angrier. If she asks for guidance or seems open to hearing ideas, you can talk to her and help her discover her triggers—the things you’ve observed that cause her to get angry or melt down. It might happen more when she’s tired, hungry or stressed about a test, for example. Maybe your teen daughter gets upset when her tween sister takes her things without asking. Talk to her about what you’ve observed. Next, help her with a plan of action. For older kids, it’s often useful to give them an acronym, like STOP, to help them calm down. This stands for “Slow down, Think, Options, and Proceed.” So an example conversation might be,

“Next time you’re really angry, Slow down and take a breath. Think about what you want to do or say. And then review your Options. Next, Proceed to action. Think about what you could do instead of screaming at your sister or pulling her hair. What will you do differently instead of getting into trouble?”

Remember, attempting to control or manage anger is going to make it worse, not better. Get yourself out of that role and try to understand what’s going on with your child and see things from her point of view. Ask yourself, “Is it really anger at me that I’m trying to deal with, or is my teen son angry at everything in general?” Pay attention. If his anger is impacting you, you’ll have a different response than if he’s upset about his homework. Use “I” statements with him to let you know how he’s impacting you. “I don’t like it when you yell at me as soon as you walk in the door.” If your child is often angry at his teachers, his friends, or his siblings, then you can simply empathize and try listening reflectively by paraphrasing what he’s saying. Just be there with him—not joined to him, feeling as if you have to calm him down every time he’s upset about something. Instead of getting into his box, sit next to it. You can say, “Wow, that must’ve been tough. Let me hear more about it. What do you think you can do about that? What really got you upset there? Let me know if you want some of my thoughts on this—I think I could help.”

Related: How to stay calm in the face of your child’s acting out behavior.

Instead of blocking communication by judging, criticizing, shaming, ordering or lecturing, just listen. When your child feels truly accepted for who he is and where he is in his life, then he’ll be free to move on from there. He’ll begin to think how he wants to change and will begin to understand that inappropriate behaviors will no longer work to get him what he wants.

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

By: Coach Gerry Garcia

What is Bullying?  Bullying is intentional tormenting in physical, verbal, or psychological ways. It can range from hitting, shoving, name-calling, threats, and mocking to extorting money and treasured possessions.
This week, a distraught mother, Suzie, came into my parent coaching class in Bakersfield California to report that the high school grades of her son, Derek had been gradually dropping due to being bullied for the past several months.  She expressed a great deal of shock because she didn’t know it was happening. As Suzie described Derek’s situation, it was quite obvious that she felt guilty for being unaware for a few months of how hurt he had been. “I didn’t even know that he was getting teased and picked on by these kids.  I also couldn’t figure out why he was suddenly being so mean with his younger siblings.”

Once I helped Suzie to finally understand that bullying derives most of its power out of secrecy, she realized that if she would begin listening to Derek more, he would begin to share more of his feelings.  I asked her to use an acknowledgement strategy which praised him every time he spoke the truth about his bully behaviors. Within one week, the mother came back into the class with a big smile on her face. I asked what was working in her home. She stated “Derek is sharing openly about his school happenings and no longer hurting his younger siblings.  He is actually apologizing about his mean behaviors towards his brothers.”    I expressed to Suzie and the rest of the class that if they used these seven easy steps that I am about to share with you, just like Suzie and Derek’s family, they too can apply these steps to help their child go from victim to victor.

In just 1 week, 1 mother used these steps and permanently stopped the bullying in her son’s life.  This could be your story.  Here’s how:

•    Become a Sherlock Holmes - Start the investigative process: The solution for noticing bullying is for the parent to observe a noticeable change in behavior, such as dropping of grades and bullying behaviors in the home.   Keep your eyes open for abrupt behavioral issues with your child that seems to come out of nowhere.

•     During this investigative process, the parent needs to be understanding and affirming. “I really understand how you had to be brave when they were picking on you.

•    Identify the Problem - During this investigative process, the parent needs to identify the problem with open ended questions similar to these:  “Can you tell mom or dad who the kids are?”  “Can you tell me more how they hurt you?”

•    Learn to listen - You must develop a new set of listening skills that would encourage your child to share his/her feelings.  In the sharing of his/her feelings, the bully mistreatment can come out of your child.

•    Expose the Bully - When you expose a bully, you take away their power to intimidate.  Bullying is usually done secretly while adults are not looking.  Your child has not yet developed a set of coping skills that would expose the bully.   So here’s where you come in.  Talk with your child to help them think through how much bullying is not only affecting them but is affecting the people around them.  Teach your child to go to an adult when they’re being bullied.

•    Stand Up for your Child - The parent must become a stronger advocate for the child.  An example would be a parent that sets up a meeting with a teacher or counselor at the school and addresses the problem with those in authority.  The parent can request a meeting with the bully and the bully’s parents.  This gives a clear demonstration to the child of how to stand up for his/her self.

•    Teach an Alternative Response - The parent needs to give the child a totally new and different response to the bullies. The child also needs to practice an alternative response to his younger siblings that he has bullied. The parents are describing and role modeling a new response with him until he masters this behavior automatically. The parent can coach the child with such phrases as: “I can show you how to walk away from those kids when they begin to bully you.”  “Let me show you how to be humorous when they begin to pick on you.”   “Let me show you how to defend yourself.”

•    Affirm your Child to Become a Protector - The parent must consistently give the child new Affirmations such as: “I know you love your little sister or brother.”  “I know you can protect them from kids that would mistreat them.”    “I really understand how you had to be brave when they were picking on you.”

In Summary, all bullying behavior can be reduced by very effective interventions.

Contact Coach Gerry today: Office: 661-735-5433   Cell: 661-332-9204     Email Gerry