This is only about one-fourth of all we had!

As an associate, I would like to put my best foot forward in ministry. Unfortunately though, that doesn’t always happen. Don’t get me wrong, I try, but time constraints sometimes cause me to scramble. I’ve preached sermons for which I wish there were several more days to study. I have led meetings where the agenda was loose. I have stood before the youth group with a lesson that really could have used a better game to kick it off. I have even published a blog or two that could have used another editing pass.

I’m not advocating sloppiness. I firmly believe that we are called to give our best in ministry every day. Unfortunately though, there are times when despite our best efforts, we aren’t as prepared as we would like to be. Yet somehow, God uses even our less-than-stellar efforts to do amazing things.

I was reminded of this again a couple weekends ago when our youth held a yard sale at the church to raise money for their summer mission trips. We filled the entrance and front room of our church with used exercise equipment, worn clothes, kitchen utensils that had seen better days, toys whose owners had outgrown them, and so much more. On the surface, it looked like a pile of junk. It turned out to be almost $2,000 toward our mission expenses, and even more money that will be raised by one local thrift store and another national one from what was left over!

Jesus might have turned this into a parable: “The Kingdom of God is like a yard sale where a pile of unwanted junk raises money for youth to serve others in need.”

God doesn’t waste what we give to honor him. Instead, God has a way of taking the things in our lives that are less than desirable and turning them into something beautiful. That blog with bad grammar supported someone who was going through a similar difficult time. That “unfinished” sermon touched a woman in the back row. That meeting with the loose agenda had room for a conversation we might not otherwise have had. That youth lesson that started with the wrong game helped a young man stay out of trouble.

Again, I’m not advocating half-hearted, sloppy efforts. I’m just saying that when the demands get to be great and you feel like you are offering “junk,” your junk may be someone else’s treasure in the hands of God.

Sometimes I wonder what it was like in the ancient world to walk past the markers those who had gone before us in faith had set up. Was Samuel’s Ebenezer a tourist attraction on the Mizpah-Jeshanah border? Would I have detoured into Bethlehem to see the pillar outside Rachel’s tomb (Genesis 35)? Did people go in search of the altars of Abraham and Moses? Throughout the Hebrew Scriptures we read of people taking a moment to build a marker to pay homage to times and places where God had been active in their lives in powerful ways.

Yesterday we did a 21st century version of it. We spent a portion of our worship services recognizing our high school graduates, awarding Bibles to our third graders, and celebrating confirmation. After worship we held a “Celebrate our Volunteers” luncheon. Then in the evening we had a special dinner and ceremony for the graduating seniors who had been active in our high school youth ministry. It was a busy day, but a great day of recognizing where God has been at work in our midst.

In all of our busyness it is easy to miss God’s work in our lives and ministry. As the year draws to a close, it is good for us to reflect on where God has been at work these past 12 months and to raise our Ebenezer!

Running on empty is a great song, but a terrible way to do ministry. You and I were called to ministry, and staff ministry specifically, because we are giving people. We want to serve the people around us and give what we have to others. So we might mistakenly think it selfish to take time for ourselves. As I have written previously, one the more important things we can do for the people we serve is to take care of ourselves. There is only so much to give, so we need time to recharge.

With that in mind, I’m trying to get better at my day off, Thursday. I used to spend a lot of the time writing this blog and other projects, watching TV, and reading work-related material. But now the days are getting warmer and I can spend time riding my motorcycle, one of my favorite things to do. Last week, I started south from my house with no destination in mind until I was about an hour from home. I wound up spending seven hours riding, stopping, having coffee, walking, enjoying creation, eating lunch, reading, communing with God, and enjoying roads I had not ridden before.

Some of you are thinking, “All that time alone sounds like torture.” You, my friend, are not an introvert. We introverts have what I call a “people meter.” When the people meter reads full we become drained and need time alone to “recharge.” A day on the motorcycle works for me. You need to find what works for you.

I can say it “worked” because Friday was an especially busy day at the office. In addition to our typical Friday tasks, we had a funeral at the church for one of our members. I was a little sunburned, but I was ready to go. I was also happy, rested, and my “people meter” was empty. I was able to get through the tasks I don’t find stimulating, and had the energy to be with people again.

My phone rang during my walk on Thursday. Caller ID said it was from a company I deal with for youth ministry. I let it go to voicemail and dealt with it the next day. When asked to meet with someone on my day off, I simply say I cannot, either confessing it is my day off or saying I have another commitment. I do, to myself, and to God. I have my day off in my calendar, and I continue to work at protecting it.

Taking a day of Sabbath is not a suggestion, it is part of the rhythm of creation, a command from God. We are called to work and to rest. Running on empty is not an effective way to do ministry. Give your all every day – except your day off. Use that so there is more to give again next week.

Don’t wait until you are running on empty to recharge. Schedule it. Protect it. Use it.

Conventional wisdom for church crisis to be to replace the entire staff and start fresh. I strongly disagree. This is a huge mistake. The congregation already feels betrayed. They don’t also need to feel abandoned.

Staff members willing to do the hard, messy work are in a unique position to walk with the congregation through this valley. Many in the congregation will recognize you’ve been hurt too, creating a bond of shared experience. You are perceived as having a level of understanding that those coming after you will not have. Staying with the congregation also shows a level of investment, and can go a long way toward restoring trust.

When crisis comes to the church there will be pain. People will be angry and will sometimes direct it at you. People will leave. But you, the associate or other staff member, are in a unique position to be an agent of healing. Do not run away from that responsibility. Stick it out. Run the race. Finish the course.

Rather than several wounded members, you are now ministering to an entire congregation of the hurting. You will need to be on your game. Here are several helpful things you can do:

Sharpen your listening skills. According to those who have been through church leadership crises, all kinds of “stuff” will surface throughout the congregation. Your pastoral counseling skills will be put to the test during this time. Get ready. Be prepared every day to listen intently to hurting people.

Old wounds that have nothing to do with the crisis at hand will surface. New hurts have a way of reminding us of old wounds. People may come to you to talk about situations from childhood, the newspaper, previous churches, families of origin, bad marriages, and many other old hurts that resurface as people grieve. A financial offense might bring someone to the place of again struggling with the time their childhood pastor had an affair and was forced to leave. The pastor not fighting to defend herself, might bring up memories of a member’s mother who allowed his father to walk all over her.

There is an elephant in the room, and he is hiding in every worship service, every meeting, every dinner, every time two or more are gathered. Pain of which you were previously unaware will begin to be expressed. Listen intently to the pain. Some connections will make sense. Some will not. It doesn’t matter. All the pain is real – no matter how recent or how old. Listen and help the person sharing work through it with you.

Give others room to grieve – As you know from every funeral you have ever been part of, people grieve differently. They move at different paces. Give them room to work their process. It is tempting to try to “help” them move from bargaining to anger, but you know it will only frustrate the other. Listen a lot. Talk little. Don’t share your feelings, even when asked. They are probably not ready to hear where you are. Don’t be disingenuous or patronizing. Simply steer the conversation back to the feelings of the other.

At some point you are going to be done, or at least think you are. “Enough!” you will want to shout down the halls of the education wing, during worship, or in the midst of a meeting. Despite the strong pull in that direction, but you cannot proceed that way.

Back in step one, before the rest of the congregation was even aware there was a problem, you became intentional about your process. You started dealing with your feelings of grief – the anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, etc., weeks before the rest. You are long past denial, even maybe through anger, and moving on to healing, but the congregation is behind you. You will be facing people in all stages of grief – sadness, anger (often misdirected toward you or someone else),  bargaining, frustration, and more. Don’t try to speed their process along. Slow down. Come alongside them. You are still needed.

Have awkward conversations – Working through the crisis, you will become comfortable feeling uncomfortable. There will be plenty of awkward conversations, and if you are like me, you will want to avoid each of them. From the conversation with the staff member when you are wondering about their behavior, to the conversation with the committee where you advocate for disclosure, to the chat in the office with the one who is so very hurt that we are “doing this to our pastor,” to the one who shares with you a story of another time they were betrayed. Suck it up, take a deep breath, and go. Trust the guidance of the spirit to help you through this.

People are watching you. Working in the church, you have probably been aware of that for some time, but now it is even more acute. Your congregation is looking for normalcy and stability in the midst of an unsettling time. Be aware that you are setting an example on a whole host of issues, including how to feel and act toward the “offender.” That lead pastor who was asked to leave because there was money missing, the youth pastor accused of using church equipment to access porn, that children’s director on leave of absence because of inappropriate disciplining of the children in her care was once your coworker, friend, and/or boss. Others are conflicted about how to relate to this person who used to be their pastor or leader. You have an opportunity to set the tone.

This is not an easy task. You must offer grace without accepting the behavior. Those two ideas need to be kept in tension.

1. Don’t protect the “offender” – That may sound crazy, but when you are in this situation, it is often our instinctual response. You know the “offender.” You know he or she is not a bad person. You can name dozens of things she has done in the church throughout her career. You may have admired him as he mentored you in ministry. Part of you will want to come to the defense of the offender on some level.

Let me put this plainly: DON’T DO IT for at least two reasons. First, your defense will appear to trivialize the hurt of members of your congregation. Do not be matter of fact about the infraction, try to explain it, or remind the congregation of the positive things he/she has done. There will be time for remembering positives, but that comes much later, not in the midst of the crisis.

Congregants have been hurt and need to work through their pain. It is counterproductive to do anything to hinder that growth toward healing.

Second, the offender is not your responsibility. The congregation is. As a staff member to a congregation in crisis, your primary duty is to advocate for the health of the body and each of its members. As stated in yesterday’s post, be as transparent as possible, even in the face of pressure from the congregation or denominational leaders to sweep the crisis under the rug. Yes, some actions may hurt the “offender,” but your primary concern must be the health of the congregation. Your job is to do what is best for them.

One of the mantras I have heard from those who have been through church crisis is simply this – “short-term intense pain that leads to healing is preferable to chronic dull pain.” Think of it like surgery. Surgery hurts, and there is a quite a bit of recovery time but eventually the patient regains strength, mobility, and full functioning. Healing comes. When surgery is refused, the intense pain is avoided, but the wound festers and a lifetime of dull pain may ensue. At no point in this process can you be afraid of the pain of surgery and rehabilitation. Stay focused on being an agent of healing for the congregation.

2. Don’t attack the “offender” – At the same time, don’t go overboard the other way. Be pastoral when speaking of the one who has caused all of this pain.

If you have followed this plan, you are dealing with your anger, frustration, and/or guilt with a counselor, colleague, or in another appropriate way. Don’t let your feelings surface inappropriately. Stay in control. Stay pastoral.

As a minister of the gospel of Jesus Christ, you are a purveyor of grace. You have sin in your life for which you have been, and will be, forgiven. Every member of your congregation also knows of sin in their lives. Name that from time to time. The “offender” is a sinner under the grace of God also. Do not lose sight of that.

As Edwin Friedman teaches, diagnosing someone as the problem (or the one with the problem), does not fix anything. Instead, it can make things worse. You and the congregation can get so focused on the “offender” as the diagnosed patient that you can place all the ills of the congregation upon their shoulders. This is unhealthy as it will allow the congregation to skip the step of transparency and putting policies in place to keep the offense from reoccurring.

Walk the line of grace, and focus on the flock.

When crisis comes to the church you serve the congregation’s trust has been breached, leading many to distrust the entire staff: What did you know? Were you part of it? Did you help cover something up? And less specific to the case at hand, things like: If one leader can do this to me, whose to say others won’t? See, you can’t trust anyone in the church? These are understandable defensive responses from people who have been wounded by one in authority. To regain trust there are at least two things you can help make happen.

The first you can do immediately: become more transparent. Make every effort to keep the congregation informed about everything – the crisis and how it is proceeding, other church business, even minor stuff you would have never thought to talk about before. The culture of secrecy has to end.

More than likely secrets allowed the crisis to occur on some level. Do all that you can to show everyone that secrets will no longer be tolerated. Tell the congregation everything the leadership is doing every step of the way. Bring both the decisions and the processes through which decisions were made out into the light. Make every process of church leadership as transparent as possible right away.

In one case, an associate was told by her denominational leaders not inform the congregation of the specifics of why their pastor was relieved of his position. While that associate could not talk about specifics, she decided to be as transparent as possible. While she needed to keep confidence, she could say that she could not say. Congregation members understood and respected that amount of disclosure. It showed care for them, and integrity on her part.

The second step is for further down the road, but you can lay the groundwork for immediately: advocate for policies to keep the crisis from happening again. Bring before your church board proposed changes to how you count money, how visitations are done, how counseling occurs – whatever needs to change. Be mindful of areas of vulnerability and offer creative solutions.

Be diligent in protecting the congregation from a recurrence of a breach. Remember, your goal is to work for the health of the congregation going forward. One crisis can make all involved aware of many other areas of negligence. Work to close those holes.

One of the grim realities of church is its leaders are human. Ordination and consecration do not change us from sinful, broken human beings. This means lead pastors and fellow staff members will sometimes make sinful choices that affect them, their families, their congregations, and others. Some will leave ministry, some will retire under a cloud of suspicion, some will go through a church trial, and others through a civil one. I pray you will never experience such a situation, but many will – not because of their action, but because of the actions of someone else on the staff.

Everything inside of you is going to tell you to run away, ignore the crisis, hope and pray it will simply go away. Churches, and entire denominations, have used this approach, attempting to avoid the embarrassment of exposure, they try to sweep it under the rug.

Despite the adage, time does not heal all wounds. Experts in these matters tell us dysfunction in some congregations can be traced back to a crisis occurring as much as 100 years before (from a conversation with one such expert). Because the people tried to run from the infraction, secrets have become the norm and the system has remained unhealthy. To keep a congregation from getting stuck in bad patterns, leaders need to take the difficult route of working through the crisis rather than avoiding it.

As a staff member, you are in a key position to help move the congregation to a place of renewed health and strength. Don’t shirk that responsibility. You are there for a reason. Allow yourself to be used as an agent of healing.

In the next several posts I will share strategies to assist you in that role.

Acknowledge your pain – Do not skip this step or save it for later. Start here. Acknowledge your own feelings first. Unhealthy leaders are ineffective, so the best thing you can do for a hurting congregation is prepare yourself to lead by taking care of yourself.

You are not the victim, but that does not mean that you have not been adversely affected by the actions of the other. You have been betrayed, lied to, deceived. Your trust has been broken, your ideals compromised, your assumptions challenged. You may struggle with guilt over having missed clues, that now, in hindsight, seem patently obvious. You may have a history, either with a similar failing of another leader or with a general distrust of leadership. All of this can weigh heavily upon you.

This crisis, caused by someone else, will also cause you to enter a frustrating time. Your ministry will be on hold for a season while the crisis demands large portions of your time and attention. You will be asked to keep confidence, or might not want to share what you know with anyone involved in the church, even your spouse. This can be a heavy burden. You may wonder if you are seen as guilty by association, accused of covering things up, or just sense a general distrust that was not there previously. There are hundreds of reactions you may feel. Some will seem rational, others will not.

Don’t keep your feelings to yourself. Don’t ignore them. Don’t wallow in them. Deal with them. Unload to a counselor.  Call your health insurance provider and ask what counseling is covered, then take advantage of it. Find a colleague with whom you can vent. Seek out appropriate means of addressing your wounds. Take care of yourself so that you may be an agent of healing for others.

You may not be THE victim of the infraction, but you are A victim – one of many who suffer from the collateral damage. Church crises hurt every member of the congregation, including the staff. Acknowledge your pain and address it appropriately.

Unless you are part of an extremely large church – I once saw a mega-church job posting for a Pastor to Eighth Grade Boys – you probably wear several hats. This is tricky business.

A Director of Christian Education told me she was hired to build adult education opportunities, and at her very first review was told she was not doing enough for the children. Confusion and frustration ensued. Before much longer she left that position.

The best defense against this type of exasperation is proactively seeking clarification of the expectations. I have met many who have their jobs shortened by unspoken expectations. The youth and worship pastor who expects it to be a 50-50 split of her time, while the supervisory committee wants her to spend two-thirds of her time with the youth. Or the education pastor who believes he should be out visiting with the families, but the lead pastor thinks he should be in his office most days. When these things happen, often both supervisor and employee become frustrated with one another.

The solution is simple: ask for clarification. Get answers regarding the presuppositions of your supervisory committee beyond the job description you signed when you were hired. During your annual review (if you are not being reviewed ask to be), clearly state your understanding of your responsibilities, and listen intently as your supervisor or supervisory committee shares the congregation’s expectations with you.

Wearing many hats is part of the fun of ministry, but it can be difficult. Unspoken expectations lead to disappointment – by the committee because you are not meeting them, and by you because despite your best efforts you cannot please the committee. Bring the expectations out of the dark and into the light. Both you and your supervisor will be much happier.

Mistakes are part of ministry as an associate pastor, lead pastor, or any staff position. We’re human, and as the saying goes, “to err is human.” We cannot expect perfection, so the next best thing is learning how to handle our mistakes.

Maybe you spaced a meeting and someone waited half-an-hour at Starbucks for you, or you promised to write a letter of recommendation but needed a reminder. Maybe you missed a hospital visit, said something stupid during a counseling session, broke a confidence you didn’t know was a confidence, or something else. Has a memory of one of your mistakes created a pit in your stomach yet?

I was recently confronted with a mistake that hurt a member of my congregation. I admire that he came to me to let me know how I had hurt him. It was hard to hear, and, I imagine, hard to say. I’m sure there are others I have hurt over the years who left the church I was serving without telling me. Because of that, I am aware this conversation was a gift – not one I’d asked for, but a gift none the less.

In situations like this, our instinct is to be defensive, believing we can make the wounded party understand why we did, or didn’t do, what caused the problem. Don’t bother. When dealing with emotions, reason does not play a major role. Reasons will not help. No “explanation” will undo the hurt. Despite all of your training, you cannot make it better. All the leader can do is take responsibility for their (in)action and apologize.

I’m not asking you to bear the sins of others by apologizing for something you did not do. Nor am I saying to comfort the overly-sensitive by accepting blame for their feelings. I am instead encouraging you to own up to the hurt you have caused.

Don’t try to explain it away. Take responsibility and apologize.