at least she didn't have cats

Zippidy Do Dah

2015-06-17T19:33:00.001-05:00

I shall not lose my mind. I shall do my best to grit what are left of my teeth and carry on. I shall accept that text messaging is here to stay. Even though that alone is enough to cause me to throw myself to the floor and crash into a runaway electric wheelchair. I will restrain myself from pummeling the skinny Christine to her bloody demise. Is any other American woman still sporting that loathsome Kate Goslin hairdo? I will listen to her mother's lies and remain silent. AND I shall not lose my mind.

I will continue to try to sleep within the ridiculous performance each night designed to keep Anna from tearing her tracheotomy tube from her chest I will ignore the creepy man who lurks in a dining room chair at the side of the room. He texts and plays telephone games; keeping the lights on and the TV volume much more than mumbling. And I will not lose my mind.

I found some cheery colorful pictures that I successfully copied and pasted; but cannot figure out how to copy and paste them to here. I will attempt again later. I am enjoying searching for obscure items on Pinterest. The New Yorker puzzle is a gas and actually solvable.

AND I will not lose my mind.

Long Lost Self

2015-05-24T10:10:00.000-05:00

Many changes.

Autocorrect is new. It seems to be more a hindrance than a help. And now I type with a snazzy pencil which has its own tiny battery. Both seem to cramp my style. Perhaps both will be blessings in the long run.

I think about the long run a lot lately.

I am what is called politely "bed bound". My legs stopped working in an explosion of excruciating pain. After many poking and pushing and sticking tests; and many head shaking specialists I arrived here. Crippled Old Folk Land.

In my adolescence I thought the coolest possible job would be to be able to stay in bed all day reading and munching on cold red delicious apples. I was wrong.

The apple and reading parts are cool; but there are other elements that really, REALLY suck. More about that another time.

This post is to let my loyal readers know that I am not quite dead.

God Hates Me

2013-06-01T11:05:00.000-05:00

Time for this deity to get called out!

I'm sure my tribulations don't measure up to the crapulence going on in the outside world, but I have had enough. End time I tells yeah. But what is all this crap with "child of god" and "eyes on the sparrow" shit? Sorry, I am off the train.

Here is why: Regular readers are at least marginally aware of my pain and agony battles. Screaming, crying, begging, are everyday strategies of mine. Also I do a great deal of praying. I do my best to submit myself to suffering and try (so mother fucking) hard to understand and accept whatever this lesson is supposed to be.

After more than six months of weekly phone calls. Waiting on electronic prompt cues. Responses that never come. Redefining and clarifying and repeating answers and questions. And then doing it all another jillion times THE INSURANCE COMPANY TELLS ME THEY HAVE NO RECORD OF MY REQUESTS EVER BEING MADE!!!!!!!

NOTHING!!!!!

nothing?

really?

nothing?

how is this possible?

"your primary care physician needs to submit these authorizations."

yeah. i know. six months ago i was told this stuff had been taken care of and everything was in the works."

we have no record.

ok. bye.

Well, that is certainly a medical fuck job I didn't see coming. So much for that teeny sliver of hope.

Frankly, I am out of ideas. But I know I will NOT last another six months.

Play It Loud

2013-05-28T09:19:00.001-05:00

23 Days Ago

2013-05-22T10:57:00.001-05:00

Suicide Below The Waist

2013-05-21T16:55:00.000-05:00

Pain trumps everything.

Prayers go like this: Take it away! Take it away! Give it to someone else! Anyone else! If this is a lesson I don't want it! I don't get it! I will never get it!

Pleas go like this: Kill me now! I swear! I'm ready! Kill me now! Just cut the damn thing off! I don't need it anymore. Please, please, please. End this!

Wounds look like this: Cigarette burns. Ringed and surrounded by deep red flesh. Moist. Hardened blisters. Serrated scrapes tearing away what remains of the surface. Fire. Pulling, ripping with every movement.

What time is it? What did I want to accomplish today? What did I do? Was that an accomplishment? When the tears come and continue what is the cause? Will it ever end?

I will never get better.

Tending Their Old People

2013-05-20T09:44:00.002-05:00

Viewing the parking lot across the street from Elder House allows me to observe the myriad methods used when visiting the elderly residents.

Some exit their cars after many, many minutes. Stalk along the asphalt, empty handed, cell phones planted to cheek. Most times these types do not stay very long. Timed out probably just enough to elevator to the upper floors and I imagine stand with hands in pockets. Quick exits.

Others arrive with flimsy plastic shopping bags. Groceries and cleaning supplies. Lots and lots of plastic bottles of water. These folks show up alone. No kids and never any teenagers. These folks never take the old ones out for lunch. On weekends a trip to church might be in ordered. On holidays they come with balloons or teeny Christmas trees.

And there are very few who pull their vehicles into the driveway near the maintenance door. This is where ambulances, garbage trucks, and moving vans park. But sometimes people come and bring loads and loads of stuff. One woman dropped off half a cut up cow for an uncle. Two men came on a rainy day and delivered a wet bar and two garden hoses. One very argumentative family spend more than three hours shrieking at each other as they packed up what seemed like millions of black garbage bags.

Nobody smiles.

Birdsong Does Not Enchant Me

2013-05-18T10:31:00.001-05:00

1:30, 3:15, and 4:47 every single night.
Overwhelming noise of invisible birds.
Relentless, repetitive, beyond the definition of noisy.
No melody.
No triumphant crescendos.
No accompaniment.
No relief.
Annoying as car alarms.
Not quite as annoying as fingernails screeched on a blackboard.
If there is beauty there I have never heard it.
If there is communication there I cannot identify it.
And like road kill it is unavoidable.
I'm sure the assault will occur again tomorrow morning and I will be forced to listen.
I will have no choice.

But Not For Me

2013-05-13T10:08:00.001-05:00

Baseball

Football

Hockey

Auto Racing

Horse Racing

Basketball

Soccer

Tennis

Wrestling

Golf

Lacrosse

Myriad Others

I listen to one radio talk show. In a three hour stretch most of the time is devoted to sports. The rest is filled with serious discussions of conspiracy theories about everything or how Waukegan is the answer to everyone's prayers for anything. The entertainment factor is wearing thin. The political talk is ridiculous and humorous; but the sports stuff is mind numbingly dull. The sports alone are almost criminal. However the real insanity is that EVERYTHING is made related to sports!

Professionals/Amateurs

Big League/Minor League

Jumbotrons

"Signage"

Injuries

Historic Landmark Status

Airline Schedules

Urinals

Spotlights

Hats

Immigration Status

Education

Terrorism

Unions

Trains

Hot Dogs/Nachos/Cumberland Sauce

Well, no. I add in the cumberland sauce reference in an attempt to relieve the boredom. Time for a station change I reckon.

My Happy Day

2013-05-11T15:10:00.002-05:00

This is MY family

and

They are EVERTYHING PRECIOUS!

Shame Shame Shame

2013-05-09T13:23:00.001-05:00

Livid

2013-04-29T12:55:00.002-05:00

An advanced degree in engineering or computer programming should NOT be required to install a download. I paid the money. I clicked what I was told to click. I copied what I was instructed to copy. Estimated time for completion was less than ten minutes.

Twenty minutes and nothing happened.

Thirty minutes and nothing happened.

Forty five minutes and the clerk who finally answered the phone spent almost an additional hour attempting to undo everything I had done. And the download STILL did not function!!!

Now to have the charge removed I am expected to install another downloadable form.

WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE!!!!!?????

All Hail The Briefest Of Seasons

2013-04-27T19:19:00.001-05:00

Spring does not really exist in the Midwest. There are months and months of hideous winter followed by months and months of mind numbing heat. If we are incredibly lucky we might experience a week or so of the type of weather we have right now.

DO NOT BLINK!!!

Windows are sporadically opened allowing splendid and rare aromas to proliferate. Flower and candy laundry detergent. I don't know who would really want their clothing to smell like bubble gum but I am thanking them. It smells yummy. Also my neighbors' dinner preparations can be enjoyed. The bacony, vinegary goodness of German potato salad and any char grilled meat makes the taste buds go into overdrive. Once it gets as hot as it will any minute windows will slam shut in favor of air conditioning. Til then things smell delish.

People here at Elder House are flashing their lighter wardrobes. The guy who looks like he has a beer keg strapped to his tummy has recently changed from his super tight green hoodie to his super tight black plaid flannel shirt. The Slavic speaking ladies are resplendent in Easter egg pastels. So cute. The kids walking home from school in the afternoon are already in shorts. No flip flops however. Are they not cool any more? I miss them.

And this afternoon, yes, I heard and saw BOTH ice cream trucks.

Rain is do back tomorrow. I warned you.

It Was A Dream

2013-04-21T11:49:00.002-05:00

Even at the grief buffet they made me eat in a different room.

Happy Anniversary To Me!

2013-04-18T11:28:00.001-05:00

Two years and one day here at Elder House. Here is what I have learned so far:

Some people are inherently evil
Some people are spontaneously kind.
Living alone is a good thing
True friends are few and far between but very, very good.
Reading is truly a joy.
Electricity is the least expensive utility.
Facebook is over rated.
Caller ID is a gift.
Developing inexpensive hobbies is brilliant.
Liars are to be avoided if at all possible.
Television is not necessary.
More to follow.......

Antsy

2013-04-16T10:35:00.001-05:00

April 10th was the last day I actually saw a patch of snow on the ground here at Elder House. One secluded spot at the far southern end of the parking lot shielded by a board fence. That pile was almost black when it finally melted all the way. Remnants of many parking lot plowings.. It was so grungy that the neighborhood children were no longer tempted to climb it or use it for snow ball batter. Personally, I'm glad it's done.

However the weather has been dicking around with all of us since then. Two weeks of rain. Well, at least some rain every day for fourteen days in a row. And, yes, that seriously hinders the ability of a certain crippled old geek to venture outdoors. Food and pharmaceuticals be damned. Grey drizzly skies are hideous. Nothing is green and no buds are evident. Trees and bushes all still look dead. The winter's crop of dog shit is rampant.

Someday sweet weather will arrive. Til then this stuff sucks. I hate waiting.

Two weeks ago was another doctor's appointment, I stood my ground through my tears and demanded/pleaded/begged for an improved prescription ritual and several "permanent medical supply" items that I feel I now require. Two weeks later and one of the prescriptions was approved and already I notice about a 10% improvement in my day. Meanwhile I am suffering without the other needed items.

Someday they may arrive. Til then this sucks. I hate waiting.

My dear friend has encouraged me to develop a support system that will be aware of my situation and advocate on my behalf. I have tried and will continue to try. The lack of agencies to communicate with one another boggles me. Their lack of ability to simply relay information is shameful. Errors are usual and expected. Emails are not accepted and phone calls are rarely returned. Buck passing and blaming others discourage anything positive from happening.

Someday they may learn to play well with one another. Til then this sucks. I hate waiting.

Best Thing On The Web Today

2013-04-11T09:06:00.000-05:00

When the Mocambo wouldn't book Ella Fitzgerald Marilyn Monroe called the owner and said that she would reserve a front row table every night of the gig.

He did and she did and Ella didn't have to beg to play dives after that.

Women working together always rocks.

And is that Bill Holden in the next row?

Thanks, Tyler.

Birthday Girl!

2013-04-09T09:41:00.001-05:00

Teach me half the gladness

that thy brain must know

Such harmonious madness

from thy lips would flow

The world would listen then as I am listening now

--PBShelley

(only poem I ever voluntarily memorized)

The Balcony Is Closed

2013-04-05T07:30:00.002-05:00

Taught us about much more than movies.

Find peace, Mr. Ebert.

Thank you.

It Ain't Me, Babe

2013-04-04T15:19:00.004-05:00

Kevin Ware and I have absolutely nothing in common.

He is a young, talented Black athlete.

I am an ancient, crippled White broad.

When I saw the photo of his injury I gasped.

This catastrophe is what I imagine happening to myself every time I try to walk.

Even though I know the chances of that occurring are nil, however that is how afraid that amount of pain makes me.

I am paralyzed by the pain and the possibility of more.

Perhaps Mr. Ware had some underlying cause for his injury. In that case I hope he sues the beejeezuz out of anyone who knew and didn't take better care of him.

I saw an interview of him speaking, smiling, and up on crutches.

Obviously he is a much better man than I.

I hope he is dunced out on extremely powerful meds for as long as he wants.

New BFF (Cookie Version)

2013-04-03T13:55:00.004-05:00

That Was Weird

2013-04-02T09:25:00.002-05:00

Yesterday at the doctor's office the nurse attempted to call my insurance company from the phone in the exam room. She dialed and a moment later hung up as if she had been electrified. "What? What?" She said a porn site answered! Bad enough, but she was petrified that this was automatically logged onto her dialed calls as part of her personnel record. I offered to verify that the call was a mistake. She said that wouldn't help.

And who says the medical care delivery system is NOT seriously fucked?

La De Da La De Da

2013-03-30T10:20:00.000-05:00

Just finished Then Again a memoir by Diane Keaton. I liked her before and I like her more now. I didn't know any of this:

1. She was incredibly close to her mother. In fact the book is very much about her mom; her writing and artwork are prominently featured. It's a tribute and a collaboration of sorts. I am envious of her relationship. Maybe because she had only three siblings and her parents had the opportunity to get to know all their children as babies AND adults.

2. She loves collage and photography. There are gorgeous photos of her mother's journals in the book.

3. She broke up with Warren Beatty. She broke up with Al Pacino. She describes his nose as "like a cucumber" but I don't think that's why they broke up.

4. She was bulimic all the time she was with Woody Allen.

5. She lived in a Frank Lloyd Wright house for a time and gave it up when she adopted her daughter. The bedrooms were too far apart and she wanted to be able to hear the baby at night.

6. Annie Hall was totally about her. The family was based on her family, too. Imagine winning an Academy Award for portraying yourself.

7. She's got really good reasons for the names she gave her children.

8. She still gets along with her siblings. They are all gorgeous and talented.

9. She's a good mom.

March 24, 1980

2013-03-24T12:31:00.002-05:00

I cannot write today.

The Honorable Curmudgeon

2013-03-23T12:22:00.002-05:00

Recently my bedside reading has included Kurt Vonnegut's Armageddon in Retrospect. And let me admit right upfront that despite Mrs. McCullough's best efforts I can still never remember whether to place book titles in quotation marks or to underline them. I am officially giving up the effort with sincere apologies to every author I have ever read or loved. It seems to me that placing titles in bold face is special plenty. That goes for poetry and short stories and film titles also. I'm just too lazy and tired.

I haven't trolled for many new authors lately. I used to check the reviews and suggestions in O magazine. But waiting three weeks for old copies to arrive here at Elder House was cramping my style. Baby Sister has suggested writers with some potential and I have gleaned some names from my regular standbys.

But the Vonnegut collection I read prior to this one had a listing of most of his published works. A book written by his son Mark was listed and that sounds promising. But it's always safe to stick with the master.

These stories and essays all center of the themes of violence and war. The dates they were written aren't included so the collection is somewhat of a hodge podge. Dresden is the site of most for obvious reasons and the future fucked by science shows up too. Long may he wave.

I was introduced to Mr. Vonnegut when I was in the hospital following minor surgery. Two of my high school friends visited and gave me a battered basket containing a black and yellow paper back porn and a red covered paper back Vonnegut. I gifted the basket to someone totally unworthy. I think my younger brothers glommed onto the porn when I got home. The Vonnegut was mine til about three months ago when it was stolen by my youngest daughter. I know she will treat it/him well.