At Least The Ceiling's Clean...

Happy First Day of the Month

2015-12-01T15:58:00.001-08:00

There are always those people that cross my path that are perpetually grouchy. I am determined to love on them and bring them from frown to smiles. It was no different in high school. There was one particular substitute that fell under this category. I got a crack of a smile from her one day, and that was enough for me to continue. This rain cloud of a substitute always seemed to be filling in on the first day of the month, and so I wished her happy first day of the month.

Soon it spread from my wishing her a happy first day of the month, to a thing that I say to family and friends. In our home it has become a fun little game to see who can remember to bid each other greetings before the other. I am lucky to be an early bird, and tend to win. Some months I let people wish me well first, because I just need the extra love and joy to come to me before I can give it out.

I know it's a silly little gig, and perhaps others do this already. I sometimes dream of a world where everyone greets each new month with warm salutations, and shares such hopes with others.

Happy First Day of the Month!

Learning Contentment

2015-09-23T18:52:00.001-07:00

I find the tiny house movement fascinating. I love viewing tours of peoples homes that you can nearly touch wall to wall. The ingenuity, craftsmanship, and charm they hold resonate deeply with me. I also find that it helps me appreciate the space that I do have.
Sixteen months after downsizing by almost half of our former square footage and some days I long for what I once had. Just like the Israelites, there are days when I am ready to cash it all in and return to the former way of life. In those moments I miss the extra space where we didn't have to eat in the kitchen. I miss having a piano. I miss having a toy room. I miss the extra wall space to hang all the baby pictures. How quickly I have forgotten that I could never get that giant house cleaned. The mortgage payment left us with no wiggle room. How the flow of the basement drove me batty. That the guest room was occupied more often by spiders in the corners than loved ones. That my garden was the size of my dining table. That we all longed for a place in the country and spent hours dreaming, and hunting for such a place.
As the weather has turned cooler, I've been gripped by fear of all of us cooped up in this small space come winter. When I shared this with a friend, she empathized, and that was just what I needed. That, and God whispering to me that I desire to have deep and meaningful relationships with our children, and how our small home fosters such an environment. He also pointed out to me that despite our 'cozy' dining situation I have a hard time keeping the table cleared, how much harder it would be if it was in a separate room?
When we first moved in, Phil was wanting to do an addition right away, I convinced him to just wait and try the house as is, maybe we'd be ok. Winter created some stir crazy moments, so when spring came we leaped at the chance to pursue the addition. We were frustrated by the lack of response by contractors and gave up. I spent hours perusing Pinterest, scheming, trying to come up with something better. All to have my heart sanded down by the Lord and learn to be content in my circumstances.
As I cried out to the Lord He reminded me of the blessings I have forgotten. The house stays cleaner, because the effort is minimal with smaller spaces. Even if the entire house gets trashed, it takes under an hour as a family to restore it to tidy peacefulness. Smaller house for us thankfully means smaller mortgage and utilities, which means we can give more. Being in the country allows us to have our own forest, a garden that practically eliminated a need to grocery shop (other than dairy products, which might change one day!). How close knit we are as a family. That I'm living our dream.
Thanks Lord for the reminder!

Another Year Gone By

2015-08-18T05:38:00.000-07:00

Today I turn 33. I'm sure to my parents it is unfathomable that their baby is so grown up. I doubt they ever imagined me gaining gray hairs, dealing with morning stiffness, or drinking coffee before my own kids awake.

I remember once my mother remarking that she didn't really feel that she was getting older until she noticed her hands looking more like grandma's, and that grandma had said something along those same lines. I think I've been curious about the aging process after that comment and I've paid closer attention to what growing older has looked like for me. The body aches are more pronounced, my skin takes longer to heal and has issues with dryness that I didn't in my twenties. My hands hurt most days in a way that makes me wonder if I'll have arthritis like most lovely grandmothers I've met. The gray hair doesn't bother me at all. In fact I find it fun to watch my hair change, mostly because I'm just glad to still have it!

Thirty two was a good year, and I'm glad that it was. For no logical reason, 32 is my favorite number, so I was looking forward to what it brought. In the last year I did some (what I consider) amazing things. I had my first big year of canning. Oddly enough I never counted just how many jars of yummy foods I put up, but it was easily over fifty. I butchered chickens on my own, thanks to our dog getting a few. Experienced dying fabrics with a friend. Learned some new knitting techniques. Had the easiest pregnancy with Finn, and his first five months have been pretty chill too. Thirty two also saw our first full year of homeschooling all of the kids. Grew a pig, and put her in the freezer ourselves. We upped our gardening from an approximately 10x10 organic plot to a 50x90 heirloom organic field. The garden has a larger footprint than our house, which I find amusing. It has been a lot of hard work, especially with a baby, but we are reaping the rewards daily. Currently harvesting and putting up the produce is taking up about 2-4 hours a day! I am blown away daily with how much God is blessing us despite the weeds that I haven't been able to keep at bay (key word for next year--mulch!), the grasshoppers that are in abundance and the vine borers that have attacked my winter squashes.

Had a few adventures, which are always notable to this scheduled personality. Glenwood springs with Phil in January via amtrak was so relaxing. Soaking in the outdoor pool was pretty awesome too! In June my sister and I ventured to Kansas City, we had a blast shopping until we dropped, as I introduced her to the loveliness that is Ikea.

In the last few weeks, I determined that I need to grow myself more. I'm starting small with listening to Ted Talks on youtube while doing kitchen work. One of the speakers taught me that you can learn any new skill if you dedicate just 20 hours into it. Since I've missed having a piano around, and I refused Phil's offer of an electric keyboard (it's just not the same so please don't try and convince me otherwise!), I decided I'm going to learn how to play the ukulele. It also is appeasing my desire to learn how to play the guitar, which is fantastic. I'm less than one hour into learning (when you only get twenty minutes at a time it adds up slowly), but I'm thrilled with the progress I'm making! I'm telling the world so they will hold me accountable to learning. My goal song is Somewhere Over The Rainbow, it is so pretty when played by a ukulele.

It feels sad that I can sum up a whole entire year of my life with just a few paragraphs. I guess though that since I love routine and crave doing the same things day in and day out with few exceptions it stands to reason that I can do just that.

Goodbye thirty two, you treated me well. Hello thirty three, what do you have in store for me?!!?

Bacon by the numbers

2015-08-07T12:23:00.001-07:00

After a very exhausting two days of slaughter and butchering, church camp, and family visiting, we finally got around to weighing our final products! Without further Adieu, may I present to you Bacon by the numbers.

185 lb Hanging Weight (after draining blood)
3.8 lb back fat to be used for making sausage
22 lb bacon
16.7 lb ribs
63.10 lb ground pork
4 lb pork chops
______________
109.9 lbs

these numbers don't include the organ meats, soup bones, or cooked scraps (a whole meals worth!) that we got off of the non soup bones

All websites we read through said to expect an at best yield of 49%, so I am quite blown away that we got 19 pounds more! Phil says this is the benefit of doing our own butchering, and since he enjoys it so much, I won't mention again about having someone else do it for us.

Phil is already talking about having at least two if not three next year, but the idea leaves me weary. However, I'm sure it will be like gardening--after a huge harvest I want nothing to do with gardening until the dead of winter. I have a feeling that next years catch phrase from my mouth will be 'hog panels' as we discuss our homestead plans!

Bacon's 'Transition'

2015-07-27T18:56:00.000-07:00

Warning--if you are not comfortable knowing where your food comes from I highly suggest skipping this post!

The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind for Phil and I, and even though we aren't finished yet, I wanted to write about it while I have a break in the process.

Back in April we got this cute little pig that we named Bacon. She was a 4-H project that the family dog attacked. I thought she was big at around 75 pounds, but after working on her today I realize that was puny by comparison.

Our biggest mistake was only getting one pig. She was so lonesome--even though we'd go out there multiple times a day--that she'd get out. Bacon didn't care about the electric fence and would wander out to see where we were, or what the chickens were doing. Sadly, we couldn't let her free range unless we were right there. That only happened when we were mucking out the kennel. I feel really bad about this, because I want our animals to live as close to their natural habits as possible. This mistake was like a snowball that lead to an avalanche. Since we couldn't let her free range, we had to buy more feed. More feed drove up our costs. Being confined to a kennel without a companion led to Bacon being bored. Her boredom drove her to break any feeding device we installed. Finally we gave up trying to contain the food and just put it on the kennel floor. This allowed her to instinctually root her food around and out of the kennel, causing a lot of wasted feed. Which meant we were feeding her more. Which drove up our costs. Finally we said no more, she's close enough to butcher weight. We were going to keep her until around labor day, but we just couldn't stand the awful circumstances both Bacon and our wallet was in. She weighed in at 200 pounds, which really when I think about it is about a pound day that she added to her girth.

Yesterday we finished off the last of her food. Last night out of either sheer loneliness, hunger, or knowing she was about to meet the freezer, she broke out of the kennel. It was terrifying to see a 200 pound pig barreling towards my garden, and then as I attempted to corral her back, run towards the neighbors'. I've always said that I only run to save someones life, but I guess I'll do it to protect my food supply too! We got her bribed back in with bread, and Phil patched up the break. Phil and I then mucked out the kennel one last time, washed her down, and finished gathering our supplies. As the night slipped away, we reviewed our game plan for the next day, and set the alarm for five in the morning.

We were finished setting up by six, and shortly thereafter Phil did a perfect kill shot. I knew that would be the hardest for me-- to witness the animal that we had tried our best to care for--to meet her end to sustain my own life. It shook me up as anticipated, even though I had watched a video about the process, it was hard to watch the involuntary jerking, and subsequent tongue hanging out of the side of the mouth, so I left to blow my nose and dry my eyes.

strange to see this instead of our noisy pig

Now that Bacon was dead, I could shift my mind over to the task at hand, prepping her for the freezer. Even though we had a pulley with a gambrel, I am still ridiculously sore from the physical exertion at this end of the process.

Bacon bled out and awaiting to be dunked in the 55 gallon steel drum

I knew that the dehairing process would be the most tedious part of the process (for me at least), but since I don't mind tedious it wasn't an issue. Although out of all parts of the slaughtering process I found this the dirtiest since her hair would blow back on me, getting in my eyes, up my nose and generally making me itchy.

Next was the part of the process that Phil was most unsure about. Degutting. He's done deer with the aid of his hunting buddy, and I have done the chickens, so the lack of complete hands on experience was a bit nerve-racking. I read as much as I could to familiarize myself with the process, and Phil watched videos. Still, nothing can really prepare you as much as hands on experience! It took a lot longer than I anticipated simply because it felt like we were flying blind.

Finally after only one hiccup (but a lot of great hands on anatomy for the kids!) we were finished. At one pm our freezer looked like this:

We threw in the other half, and shut the door. Then Phil said 'babe we did it'! We gave each other bloody high fives and sweaty hugs. A few hours later We prepped the kitchen for the butchering process. The kids helped process Phil's deer last fall and were strangely excited to help again.

We have learned a lot through this experience. We know that we would get two pigs if we do it again (Phil is gunho, I'm not ready to commit). I said we needed to have sandwiches and snacks on hand for quick eating. Going from five until almost two by the time I cleaned up without food, while doing such physical work, and nursing a baby during breaks, left me feeling sick and shaky. I also voted for either doing the slaughter on one day with the butchering the next or to order pizza so my kitchen doesn't look like this. Trying to cook and eat food while putting up the pork didn't work so well today, despite my preparedness with the crockpot.

not a pretty kitchen at the moment, just keeping it real!

I'm looking forward to what our final poundage is, and to see a freezer filled (albeit not full) with our hard work. Hopefully homegrown pig will be just as mind-blowing to our tastebuds as our roasted roosters have been!

'Frozen' Chicken

2015-07-23T18:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday heralded a new experience for us. The kids came in an said there was a chicken that seemed to be frozen and they thought she was dead. I quickly went to investigate, hoping they were wrong. Sure enough, just inside of the coop door was a dead chicken. I was quite concerned as she wasn't dead three hours ago when I went in to collect eggs. I wondered about natural causes versus disease. Should a one year old hen be dead already? Was she contagious to the rest of the flock? Phil didn't help alleviate my concerns any when he told me that the avian flu was killing off flocks of chickens and that was why egg prices had jumped. Slightly panicky, I sent someone out every ninety minutes for the rest of the day to check. If was a disease I sure didn't want dead birds just hanging around infecting the rest of the flock. Everyone was alive and well come evening.

It's really unnerving to find a dead chicken and not know why.

Chickens run off and never seen again? Mhmm, curious and frustrating for sure.
Dog attack? Yep, been there done that, a few times.
Bantee chicken picked off by a hawk? Yes, and subsequently dropped half eaten on property. Excellent lesson on predator vs prey for the children.
Wing with a pile of entrails? Lesson learned, even the free ranging roosters need to come in for the night to stay safe from the fox or coyote.

Loosing chickens to predators leaves me with a 'well that sucks' feeling, but at least I know what went down. Finding that younger hen dead left me bewildered and unsettled.

Today when I went to check on them in the morning, one of the older hens was lying in a strange position. My heart raced as I rushed into the run. Just as I was ready to nudge her with my foot she woke up, freaked out, and flew off causing quite the commotion amongst the girls. I'm starting to breathe a bit easier, and the high alert status has been downgraded to questioning concern. Hopefully it was just a hen with a bad heart, or something akin to that, so that the rest of the flock can continue bringing us entertainment as well as eggs!

First Full Homestead Meal

2015-07-22T16:42:00.000-07:00

Today was a huge win. Knowing that everything that was on our dinner plate we grew as a family was great. Phil asked me how it felt to be eating our hard work. I paused, examined what I was feeling, and decided it to be normal. As I continued to savor, I pondered why it didn't feel like the huge victory I had been anticipating. I realized that we've been eating homegrown potatoes for years (thanks to Phil's grandparents), nibbling on garden produce as it's come in, and butchered some roosters (and a few hens thanks to our dog) since we've lived here. So while it was totally awesome for the kids to see the end result of their efforts, there was just a comforting satisfaction of knowing that it was by God's provision that our toils produced food for the table.

roasted rooster, barbecue sauce from our cherry tomatoes, french fries (hooray for an easy to grow vegetable!), and a salad of sweet peppers, peas, and basil

Writing is like a long lost friend

2015-07-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

Writing for me is like those amazing friends that come and go through life. You enjoy your time together, but as the days of missed contact turn into weeks, months, maybe even years, you feel ridiculous calling because it's been so long. So you don't. But then you meet up again and it's not awkward, you just pick up right where you left off. Like riding a bike. And that seems to be my experience with writing a blog. I love it, have great intentions of nurturing it, writing a few times a week, etc. Then life happens and I miss a few scheduled sessions. And then I feel weird and guilty for not writing, so I don't. And then I get on to reread a memory from the past that I know I've got journaled here, and I find that it's not so bad being back leaving a trail of my thoughts on the interwebs.

I'm surprised that I haven't posted since January. I've laid out so many posts in my head. Just never got around to logging on and typing them out.

Today marks two years of my grandma's passing. If her death wasn't exactly one month before my birthday, I'm not sure I'd remember it. I've noticed that as time goes by, the sharp sting of her absence has faded. I was able to donate most of the fabric that I inherited of hers, saving back only my absolute favorites that I have plans for if I can ever eek out enough time to bring to life the vision I have for them. I figured if she wasn't able to use them in her lifetime, and I hadn't either in two years, then I should let them go to someone else who could. So a friend who is in the quilters guild happily took them. I makes me smile knowing that pieces of grandma's life are touching strangers.

We don't know what kind of legacy our lives will leave once we are gone. I doubt that grandma ever thought about what would become of her fabric collection once her sewing days were over. I know that she never knew how much her quiet gentle spirit has affected me. I never once heard her complain about her health, pain, circumstances. She was always doing fine, even when she wasn't. Her back pain was so bad and chronic that it was morphine that finally took it away. But I never heard or saw an indication of it. On mornings when I wake up so stiff I can hardly move, I think of her and try my best to not complain. Some days it's not easy, that's for sure! Hopefully by the time I reach grandmotherhood I'll have that down and I can set an example for my grandchildren.

I don't know how much of this post makes sense as it is well beyond my bedtime and I am deliriously tired. Mostly I just can't stop staring at this picture of her at my age. How I've always thought she was a beautiful lady, and if I am her spitting image ( didn't know about this picture until a month ago) what does that say about me? Redefining what I think about myself once again. Ah grandma, sure do wish you were here to see the lady that I'm becoming, and how my babes are growing up into young adults (Abi got her first bra this summer!), and our little farm.

Pumpkin cheesecake smoothie

2015-01-16T10:17:00.001-08:00

Today being out of leftovers and all bread being in a frozen state, I threw a conglomerate of ingredients into the blender and served it for a quick lunch. Three of four kids gobbled it up, which I consider a raging success. One cup was surprisingly filling, and we had leftovers!

One 15 oz can pumpkin

1 brick cream cheese

1 cup powdered milk

1 cup ground flax

1 tsp cinnamin

Sprinkling of ginger, nutmeg, and allspice

1 tsp molasses

1/2 cup (not packed) brown sugar

12 ice cubes

15 oz of water

Blend, pour, and enjoy!

Note, if you like your smoothies ice cold this won't suit your tastes. We like ours just chilled in order to avoid the brain freeze factor.

Let me know if you try this, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Play silks

2015-01-14T17:00:00.001-08:00

I alluded to the gift in my simple Christmas post that I was really excited for the kids. Today I'm eaking out time (read: not cleaning the house) to show off a smattering of those silks.

The dream was born years ago when Abi was a tot playing with them at a friends house. The price was prohibitive for us as Phil was still in college. Through the years I would bring it up but they never made the cut. I even looked into making mine own by dyeing with koolaid. The process intimidated me and I decided that I didn't want them bad enough to try making them on my own.

This year my friend Hannah asked me about it. Finally someone who understood my desire to have them without paying an arm and a leg for the premade variety! Hannah is something of an expert when it comes to fibers, so I knew we could do this together. She did all the leg work learning the process and gathering supplies. I came with my check and aided her in the project. It was so lovely catching up, and the first hour and a half held a fun learning curve. Then we realized that we had probably bitten off more than we should chew for one day, but with the holidays rapidly approaching we didn't have a choice but to press on despite our empty tummies. We survived the last ninety minutes and said the quickest goodbyes known between friends.

The end result was worth it as the silks have mottling color variations throughout. Something that money can't buy. Christmas morning held mixed reviews from the children. Abi and Lizzi were less than thrilled in lieu of the gift bequeathed by their sibling. Miles didn't like them, and Wesley was thrilled and immediately engaged in play.

Since Christmas, I have seen the silks transform into capes, cloaks, baby doll blankets and diapers, bonnets, skirts, and yes, even hair. I'm sure there has been more that I haven't seen. I love that silks are an open imagination you for all ages. I even made some for the baby, because s/he will need them too!

If you're curious whether or not silks would be enjoyed by your kids all you need to do is set up a play date with mine to find out!

Pillow makeover

2015-01-01T17:49:00.001-08:00

Abi was gifted a kids sewing project book for Christmas. After flicking through it I saw an adorable pillowcase pattern. I was totally inspired to create my own. I have some sofa pillows that have seen many moons of fun under our sun. As you can see they are pretty icky looking!

I found enough coordinating pieces from grandmas fabric stash. A few hours later with some helpful input from Phil these delightful vintage modern shams have covered those eyesore pillows.

A fun way to ring in my new year, and now with the cold winter blast, the crafting fever has hit and I'm itching to start some more projects!

Happy creating in 2015 :)

Simple Christmas

2014-12-20T08:45:00.001-08:00

This year I'm really excited for our little Christmas. We are keeping it small and simple, much like the life we are living here in our country abode.

Our move into a smaller home has really forced us to evaluate our possessions and consumer mentality. In our old ginormous 2,800 sqft house we didn't really pay as much attention to what we brought in, there was always somewhere we could stick it. When you have 1600 sqft to divide between a family of 6 nearly seven people intentionality is crucial.

So we opted to not put up our huge tree, partly because we didn't want to try and fit it in and partly because having a tree and toddler has never meshed well in our home. Instead we bought a Norfolk pine house plant and tiny string of led lights. It may be Charlie Brownish but we love it. The kids had just as much fun decorating this one as they have in years past. In fact it went better just because it was small, there was no waiting, and given its size the task held their interest with minimal squabbling over where to put great grandma Betty's beads and ornaments. I'm also not sick from all the usual dust that accompanies Christmas decorations!

The kids begged to buy each other gifts this year. After much discussion Phil and I decided that they needed to experience the joy of buying and giving. However, we didn't want dollar store quality items invading our home if they all bought for everyone. We opted to have them draw a name and select one quality gift. Each sibling thus far has kept it a secret of who they drew. Phil has taken each child out for some special one on one time and hasn't had to offer much assistance on the selection. I'm choosing to be surprised at what each is giving, but it warms my heart to know they are putting great thought into the sibling name they drew.

I'll have to write later about what I made for the kids as sometimes Abi likes to pop on here and read my posts. I can tell you this--it's something that I've wanted for them for years, and it spans all their ages, stimulates the imagination and can be played with as a group or singularly.

My hope is that however you and yours are celebrating Christmas that it is filled with as much joy and excited anticipation as our season is this year.

Merry Christmas friends!

Light night 2014

2014-12-12T06:27:00.001-08:00

December 11 is a special day for Phil and I. It commemorates our first date together. As poor college kids we didn't have the funds to go out. So dinner was served through our meal plan at the cafeteria. Then since Phil hadn't planned anything other than hanging out watching tv, I made him drive me around to look at Christmas lights. We've gone every year since then, braving sleep deprivation as brand new parents one year and a blizzard on another.

This year Phil surprised me with flowers. He had the boys go down to the basement to help him With something. A few minutes later he called us gals down. When we got to the bottom each gent was holding a different colored carnation. With earnest eyes Wesley looked at us and asked if we would go and look at the Christmas lights with them. It was the most endearing thing ever. The girls were oohing and ahhing over their flowers the boys were cheering that we said yes, and Phil came and kissed me. It was one of those moments that you wished could have been captured on camera.

Thirteen years of dating such a wonderful man with hopefully many more to come!

Egg hunt

2014-12-08T14:02:00.001-08:00

Today was an 'I feel great day'. The baby shifted which left moving easier for me sans round ligament pain. I managed a walk that only left me slightly breathless instead of recouperating in the recliner. Once we finished school I kicked us all out of the house. Fifty degrees on a December day? Crazy awesome! Wanting to take advantage of the weather I decided to traipse through the forest. My reason was threefold. First, I wanted to move rather than sit after our school session. Second, I wanted to see if I could find the bodies of our two missing chickens from the day that our dog's name was changed from Emmy to chicken killer. Thankfully I didn't find any (was afraid I'd missed them and the chance to at least process them for the freezer), so I'm still guessing as to what happened. Third, I was hoping to find some eggs. Our latest birds were youngest case scenario six months old and still not laying. This has been baffling me as our first hatchlings started laying at four months and the second set at five months. So to have birds that were at least six months old if not older and not producing was troublesome to me. My efforts paid off as I found a well protected nest deep in the forest! All counted there were fourteen eggs, and all of them passed the freshness test.

Now the mystery remains of how many of them are from the gals that were already laying and how many are from the 'newbies'.

Living room

2014-12-02T07:03:00.001-08:00

I love having a formal living room. Comfy seating surrounded by books and music. This room is quite possibly my favorite. It is relaxing and peaceful. If I'm not cooking, this space is where you will most likely find me. Since it is where we all enjoy being, it happens to be the one that we invest the most time in keeping clean. Which works out well for me if anyone happens to drop by unexpected. Of course being in the country that hasn't happened, but feel free to change that situation for me!

Meet the room that brings calm to my life in the midst of raising four children:

My seven dollar junk jaunt find. It rocks, swivels, and reclines. I sit here in the early mornings watching the sun come up snuggled under that quilt that my grandma made me. And if the littles haven't detected my presence I might even get to read a bit from the Word of God. In the evenings if I'm lucky I can turn it to the window behind it and watch the sunset.

The eight foot tall bookcase we made together this fall. Amazingly enough this isn't all the books we own, and that's after giving half of our collection to the library prior to the move. This is the couch that we read on together under some of the favorite pictures that we've taken through the years.

This is the observation spot. The large window looks out over our front porch. From here we can watch the chickens antics, the combine roam the fields, and storms as they blow through.

This is probably the kids' favorite part of the room. A mirror to dance to, and a table that caters to their imaginative play.

It might be a small room but it packs in a big punch to our daily lives!

Beautiful things

2014-12-01T09:57:00.001-08:00

Today as I sit here listening to gungor's song beautiful things I remember back to three years ago when our precious babes Zara and Caeles slipped from my body into Jesus' arms. Time really does help heal the heart. There is still a void where they imprinted on my soul. I don't expect that to ever go away. Yesterday I held back tears as I thought of them singing praises to our God. Today I smile as I think about them never experiencing anything but heaven.

God has given me another reason to smile today that I am finally getting around to sharing in cyberspace. Carrying life is always exciting, but my heart leaps for joy within me this week as this new babe shifts and moves, reassuring me that all is well and that s/he is still here.

I have grieved plenty in the last week, and found it difficult to trust, but today is a day of rejoicing. Humbled that God would find us worthy to bring another child into our family. Happy to feel life leap within me once more. Grateful that My plans are not His. Wonderment over what this babe will bring to the world.

May your day be filled with as many beautiful things today as my heart is.

tie breaker baby coming sometime around 3/12/15!

Eggs

2014-08-20T07:30:00.001-07:00

Monday the kids went into their playhouse to discover our first egg! There was quite the hubbub. I was humored to see where queen laid her egg. Here in this opened bag of wood chips, the highest place in the play house.

Monday night after some quick back yard chicken web surfing, we made a nesting box. An old wire basket on wheels outfitted with a deep pile of straw repurposed for the chickens in hopes that the eggs would be laid there.

Yesterday I kept finding one of our roosters chilling in the nesting box. Queen was no where near it, but she was spending a lot of alone time in the freshly weeded tree patch behind the coop. A quick sweep in the dark by flashlight revealed nothing unusual to me. I saw no sign of nests or eggs.

Today after loading up their feeders, I went to fill the water. I didn't quite get the play house shut all the way. When I returned I saw queen poking around trying to find a suitable nesting spot. I closed the door caught her and moved her into the coops nesting box. I closed the door so she wouldn't leave. At breakfast I informed the girls that I suspected queen would lay an egg and they weren't to go in either door (the play house is the other half of the chicken coop outfitted with concrete floors, electricity and a rocket stove for heat). Ninety minutes later our curioursity got the better of us and the girls went to peek in the play house windows. They saw queen had wiggled through their peeking spot hole in the adjoining wall, and entered through the coop door. To their delight queen had laid an egg in the nesting box. She was singing her egg laying song and the egg was hot so she must have laid it just a minute before they entered!

Now our dilemma is whether to take the egg for our own eating or to leave it so she knows that is where to continue nesting. Ahh the tough choices we are sometimes faced with out here on the farm :)

Pickles

2014-08-14T07:21:00.001-07:00

Yesterday we had a family effort on canning pickles. Wesley helped picked cucumbers. Lizzi and Abi found the jars in the storage bin. We talked about preserving foods and the importance of everything being clean and sterile. Once the chopping commenced there was some resistance from the oldest one. I told her it was important to me that she knew how to preserve food, so she can take care of her family someday and not be trying to learn in her 30's.

This projects held a lot of firsts for us.

This was my first time using a hot water bath, and it showed as I over filled the pot and had a mess of water on the stove. Abi learned about garlic, how to pull apart the cloves and peel them. Lizzi improved her knife skills by making slices. Both girls made spears as well.

We are anxious to crack open a jar and taste our hard work. Perhaps we can convince Phil to grill this weekend so we can pop some home grown pickle slices on top.

Walking path

2014-07-23T11:39:00.001-07:00

Enter with me on the trail. It is here that the cool shade and sounds of nature envelope. The paths sights change from day to day. Depending on weather there are mushrooms of differing varieties. The catnip bows down with the morning dew. Feathers litter the trail as the flocks of differing birds leave bits of them behind. To date we've seen crows, swallows, robins, cardinals, meadowlark, and possibly an oriole.

Now hidden in the woods is the top bar bee hive that Phil built prior to our move. The bees are doing great and building comb like mad. Unfortunately for us they are doing the building crooked which doesn't allow us to harvest any honey.

Rounding the bend we were delighted to discover mulberry trees. The mild summer has extended the berry season, and the kids love going out to pick them for snack time.

Making my way through the clearing I am met with wonderful sights each morning. It's like God smiling down on me as I soak in His creation and chat with Him.

Phil has created other paths for the kids in the woods. It also allows easier access to the hive. He did such a great job as it blends in as if it has always been there. The kids love riding their bikes through the woods and frequently escape to some new fantasy playscape.

I haven't been outside (and enjoying it) this much since I was a child. I have noticed that I feel more peaceful and grounded since immersing myself in nature and not just seeing it through my window. I'm looking forward to my walks as the seasons pass to watch the land as it continues to change.

No doorbells in the country

2014-07-18T11:16:00.001-07:00

I know, three months of internet silence seems rather crazy, does it not? We are moved and settled into our charming country home. For those of you who might not be abreast to our families adventures, let me fill you in. We did not build on the plot of land near wood river. Instead we bought a little acreage right on the edge of grand island. It has marvelous shade trees, a tiny 'forest' complete with a walking path, a chicken coop and a 10x30 storage shed.

We are head over heels with this place and are still discovering new things each day. I am constantly in awe each morning when I meet up with God on the path--the birds tittering en masse, the glorious sunrises, cool breezes, and hazy mists--and I cannot believe that He gave us everything we had desired in location, home, and land layout.

Our little farm is gaining momentum. The chickens are growing, the garden is starting to give us bites to add to our plates, the orchard is started, and we harvested our first honey already. I know that we are working hard on the land, and the kids have started school up again (much to their dismay), however it doesn't feel hard. In spite of the work, we find that life is very idyllic and easy going. I love not feeling harried, so when I discovered that there wasn't a doorbell on our home I found it very fitting. This is the place where it's easy to just have someone knock on the door and come and stay awhile. That is assuming you venture past the front porch. The peace that is over this place just soothes the soul. My introverted nature is assuaged here, and I am grateful for friends who keep contacting me as time is fluid and the days meld into weeks faster than I realize.

Consider this your invitation to come and rejuvenate your soul alongside mine. Just come on over, knock on my door, and stay awhile. You'll quickly see why we love it here so much.

Funny Things

2014-04-22T10:49:00.000-07:00

Our boys make me laugh, quite frequently. Sometimes Wesley does something that I laugh over only to find out that he wasn't intending to be funny and I have hurt feelings to repair. Sunday proved to be a day of good laughs though, and I'd like to write them here lest I forget.

Driving home from Grandma's Wesley was looking out the window and randomly quipped 'Happy Easter Mom!' and then resumed his sight seeing.

A few blocks later he out of the blue faked a sneeze and said ' I'm allergic to cars!' Miles found this hilarious and started laughing. The whole thing was too much for Phil and I to handle and we laughed hysterically and drove home through our fits of laughter and tears.

Miles is finally starting to pick up on sign language. Last week he figured out how to sign nurse. Now when he wants to nurse he pumps his little fist high up in the air, signs milk while grining like a bobcat.

Last night I asked him if he wanted to go ni-night. 'Ta' was his response. I replied back 'can you say ni-night?' Faced with a blank stare I signed it for him by pressing my hand against my cheek. When I asked if he could sign ni-night he took leaned forward and pressed his little hand to my cheek and said ni-ni.

Children are such a delight and we are so blessed to have them. The other night Phil and I were trying to figure out what we did for the first 23 months of marriage before our family started. We were coming up rather empty handed. I am glad that we will our kids to help us mark the years together. And I certainly look forward to the funny things that are to come. With four children there should be an abundance of things to chuckle over!

Learning to Dance

2014-04-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

To me the title of this post is amusing, as I've been trying to learn to dance for over a decade now. Phil and I took lessons when first married. Then we signed up for the next session, only Phil ended up getting his knee scoped and no one else was in the class so I had private lessons (with my adoring husband looking on in amusement). Our friend instructing the class graduated and moved on, we became pregnant with Abi and dancing (or tripping in my case) went on the shelf. For our fourth anniversary Phil gifted us with a session of dance classes. Along came Lizzi and as we learned how to survive with a baby and a crazy 2.5 year old who could bypass child safety door knobs and climb chain link fences, dancing subsided once again.

Even though I have the equivalent of three left feet, I haven't quit trying to learn to dance. I took a belly dance class when the girls were little. That was fun, but I didn't care for the atmosphere as it was in a buddhist's dojo. I've participated in Zumba, which was great until I threw out my back. I've had a stack of dance videos, Wii dance, and even tried instructional clips off of youtube. One would think that after so many years, with the amount of time, energy, and money that's been invested I would be able to dance. Sadly, I am still as stiff and clumsy as the day I started.

Stubborn first born that I am, I haven't given up on dreaming that I can dance. Sometimes my enthusiasm wanes and I give up for a while. However, the desire is refreshed each time I see a movie with an amazing dance theme, or some tv talent show. I know that I will never look as inspiring as those ladies as I don't have a dancers body, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be able to move as fluidly as them.

A new hobby of ours is collecting records. Most of them we've inherited or picked up from garage sales and good will. We found a learn to dance instructional record which didn't end up so well. That being said, Phil did purchase the Moulin Rouge soundtrack off of the internet at full price. I thought he was crazy and let him know as much. Now I'm the crazy one and listen to it borderline obsessively. We all love it, even Miles will stop his playing and get up and dance. This involves him turning in circles and bopping up and down in his fluffy diaper buns way which makes us all laugh hysterically. Ah, funny, I suppose I should take a video of that sometime....but I digress. My absolute favorite song on the album is El Tango De Roxanne, I could listen to it all day. I've watched the scene from the movie too and long to dance with such passion with my husband.

One of the first times I watched that Roxanne scene I offhandedly commented that it would be fun to learn to dance like that. I didn't think anything of it again. Phil on the other hand, took it to heart and started watching tango dance lessons on the internet. This weekend he let me know what he'd been up to. Knowing how quickly frustrated I get trying to learn a new dance he told me that the first thing to do is to close my eyes and feel the rhythm and passion. As I stood there trying to sway with the beat I could feel Phil's eyes on me, and then his fingers tracing along my arms. After eleven years of marriage I know Phil's touches, and this one wasn't a casual hello. I struggled to maintain composure (as well as the beat) but as a huge revelation struck me I melted into tears in his arms. Surprised, Phil asked what was wrong. I cried as I told him that I realized why dance is so hard for me. Sure I've got big feet and virtually no sense of rhythm, but it's the absolute vulnerability of dance that leaves me floundering. In the bedroom, lights are either dimmed or out, and eyes are closed as moments of ecstasy are enjoyed together, but in dance, eyes are wide open. Phil interrupted, don't you want to look at me? No, I don't want you to look at me, I cried back and sobbed into his shoulder (ah, the joys of being insecure about one's body). He gently lifted my chin and said, but I like looking at you and kissed me tenderly.

After drying my eyes and blowing my nose we resumed learning our dance. I warned him that he will never see me as vulnerable as when I am before him dancing. To make sure to be patient and gentle for my heart is laid out before you in full daylight. Our children had gathered by then and as Phil took my hand, we danced the first four steps of the El Tango De Roxanne around the living room in (near) perfect harmony.

Downsizing and Direction

2014-04-14T12:06:00.001-07:00

We started selling our extra belongings a few weeks ago knowing that we would be downsizing. In the beginning I found the exchange of cash for clean space to be quite thrilling. It was a bit harder to swallow when it came time to sell the gorgeous armoire that I had thrifted last summer. Last night the tears silently flowed as I watched our piano find it's way to a new family. Phil and I had wavered back and forth for months, do we take it along or leave it behind. I had hoped that the new owners would want to have a sturdy upright, but they don't. When we first viewed our house I shrieked and jumped up and down when I saw the sign that the piano stayed. I was already in love with the place, and a free piano to boot, I was sold. I told Phil that this was the place for me. We both felt it when we saw the place and I told him to make it happen. He did, and we've loved this place for nearly five years. Still, that doesn't lessen the sting of giving up something precious to obtain a dream. I wonder if this is how the pioneer mamas felt when they left their fine chinas behind when they loaded up a covered wagon and headed west?

Now we have some direction in our life, and it wasn't the one that we've been working on for the last few months. In regards to building a little dream house out in the country on the parcel of land we bought, doors kept getting slammed shut. For weeks we were going into a weekend on bad news or frustrated with the process. Finally, the bank gave us a thumbs up and we were excited, but then on a Friday they were double checking and found out that our debt to income ratio would be too high if we started building while owning our home. Yes, we knew that, but the shocker was that we couldn't even apply and find out if they would back our project until we sold our home. Phil was scared, what if we sell our home only to hear the bank say no they wouldn't fund our dream. We decided that perhaps a better course of action would be to downsize into a smaller mortgage payment and save up and build as we could afford it. To see if we could put that plan into action we looked at numerous open houses that would fit the bill, only to be grossly disappointed on the amount of space that would afford us. As a family of six with children who will only be getting larger and not smaller we figured that anything under 1,500sqft would be too little.

Our search left us feeling bleak and second guessing if we could do anything other than stay put. Perhaps we were just destined to be urban homesteaders and make the most out of the land we had? We tentatively made some plans of how could we achieve that goal in town. However, when your city has stipulations on what animals you can raise in your backyard it's difficult to do. Phil randomly peeked in on craigslist to see if there was anything of interest. Immediately his attention was grabbed by this little ad http://grandisland.craigslist.org/reo/4386414517.html (the under contract part wasn't there at the time) He called and found out the location and that it was just on the outskirts of town. I held my breath as I tried to overhear the details. After hanging up Phil started scoping out the property online. There were trees, the property was off of a main road, outbuildings, and it was in our price range. I was having a hard time concealing my excitement, surely this was too good to be true! Just as we had glanced over what information we could find the owner called us back and invited us to come out and see the place for ourselves. We quickly rounded up the kids and drove over. I was nervous when I saw the little house come into view. Desperate for a coat of paint, my mind wondered how bad this place was going to be on the inside. As we walked in, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. The home was just as lovely as the pictures made it out to be, and then some. We spent a whole hour chatting with the owners, walking around the property, and falling in love in general. We drove away madly whispering so the children couldn't hear. I was sold, and ready to make a move. Phil's biggest reservation was the lack of dining space and single car garage. I told him that sometimes you 'just know', like we did with our house and my heart was singing, 'this is home'. We agreed that it would be best to call up the wise people in our lives. They knew of the frustrations we were facing, and we of their misgivings they personally had on the building project. Our wise ones gave us a thumbs up saying that no we weren't crazy, that this would be a better move for our family. We could get the lower mortgage payment and the lifestyle we were craving all in the same property.

For the next week I don't think that I breathed. The bank was willing to give us a bridge loan, but the idea of buying one before selling the other was too risky. So we waited (not very patiently I'll confess) until our house sold. You already know how excruciatingly painful that week of waiting was for me. Interestingly enough exactly one hour after writing about it we had an offer come through. Those next seven hours were maddening with all of the counter offers that were had. It was making me ill and I finally told Phil, just do what you feel is right, but please know that I don't want to lose this buyer. We've prayed so long for them, I don't want to lose them or the chance to buy that farm. Phil was able to reach a place where we got more than the quick sell price but just a bit less than what he wanted. The things that man does to show his love for me is quite astounding.

I know it seems strange that I haven't written about this before today. I was paranoid that if I wrote it out, somehow it would all crumble and disappear. Then I realized that I was in the grips of fear's bondage. Perfect love casts out all fear, so I have asked the Father to break me free so I may speak of the marvelous thing that He is doing for our family. His timing is always amazing, especially when you get to look back and see how it all came into place. Each door had to close exactly when it did or we wouldn't have reached the point of looking for a smaller place. If our house had sold on the first day it was on the market, we wouldn't have gotten the lower price on the farm that we're now contracted into. Our realtor told us to expect hiccups along the way, but so far everything is going smoothly, the seller papers are all ready for us to sign as I type this up. The buyers haven't done any further bartering or requesting. It's going so well that my paranoid side is popping up. Phil says the fact that everything is going so well is proof that God is working for us. Yes, my friends, yes He is! I am looking forward to telling you even more of the blessings that He bestows on us as we journey on to the next phase of our lives.

Lessons in waiting

2014-03-31T12:32:00.000-07:00

We are one week into having our home listed as For Sale. Let me tell you I am starting to get a grasp on why they say that moving is one of the most stressful events a marriage can endure. After putting a price tag that the realtor said was a quick sale price we are scratching our heads as to why there have been a dozen groups through here with not one offer.

We are learning that waiting is hard, and not knowing what will happen even harder. I am clinging to God and asking Him to reveal His will to us. Does He want us to stay, move, or build? I am waiting for Him to answer.

The upside is that we got our to do list checked off, so we are getting to enjoy the fruits of our hard labor. Well sort of, as I have to keep after the kids to keep everything tidy and put away once completed just in case we get a call that there is someone wanting to see the house now. This isn't all for naught as it's excellent practice for all of us to make our beds daily, clean up our messes promptly, and learn contentment where we are.

Still, we are unsettled. Most of our belongings are packed up in Rose's basement. Half of my kitchen is there too. I kept only the basics for cooking and baking. We have a couch, bed, deep freeze, file cabinet and sewing machine to occupy the basement rooms. It is so empty it echoes downstairs. We are missing our books and toys. The kids are fussy wanting to know when we are moving to a farm. Phil and I feel the same insistence internally.

I have always longed for a show worthy home like what appears in magazines and pinterest, and now that I've got it, I'm not enjoying it nearly as much as I thought. It's sterile, sad, and uninviting. There are no personal touches as we are attempting to maintain neutral to appease to the masses.

I am looking forward to when this difficult season of life is over so we can resume having personality fill the home, small messes under our feet, masses of memories smiling down from the walls, and the laughter loved ones ringing through the house.

Growing Up

2014-03-18T11:32:00.001-07:00

Last Thursday Miles figured out how to stand up from the floor instead of pulling up on the furniture. That night during Bible study he used his new found discovery to push his skills even farther. He would walk around the room clasping his hands. Even when he tripped and fell he didn't let go of his hands. He'd just fall and roll to the side and then giggle at the (apparent) hilariousness of his antics. This kept us all in stitches (four sleep deprived adults don't need much to entertain them I guess!). That was pretty much the end of his crawling. He now is a tiny upright person and trots around and even pivots rapidly to avoid siblings or the dog. Over the weekend I watched my baby bloom into a tiny toddler as he has been 'talking' more too.

Wesley surprised us these last few days at his number recognition. He knows almost all of his numbers up to ten. He likes to sit in on Lizzi's school lessons once in a while. I'm always amazed at how much they learn from each other. I had the joy of pitching to him last night and was delighted at how many times his bat connected with the ball.

Lizzi has almost completed her first math book. It feels like eons ago that we had first cracked it open and could barely figure out how to make five with popsicle sticks. Now she is learning to read a clock and count basic change. She has also shown us some go get it attitude. Lizzi wants to play softball like Abi, so she has taken initiative to ask daddy almost every day to go out and play catch with her. She is also quite determined to figure out how to do more with a crochet hook than just chain and is making some strides there as well.

Abi got to participate in the homeschooling group's first ever geography fair. I was so proud of her manning the table, chatting with adults, sharing her knowledge, passing out trifold brochures that she had created on the computer and serving green tea. Our table might have been the simplest one by design, but she knew her stuff and was only a smidge bit timid to offer it up. She is also learning the value of hard work and teamwork with the softball league that she's participating in.

I find it refreshing once in a while to take a step back and see how much my kids have changed. Since our days mostly look the same it's rewarding for me to see their growth.