at the gate called beautiful

My Word for the Year

2019-02-06T12:59:00.000-08:00

There is a trend that has been online for the last several years of picking a word for the year. I don't usually participate because, well, I often don't know how to define my vision for the year by a single word and I am usually too indecisive to pick just one.

Well, this year I have been praying for weeks asking the Lord if He had a simple word for me to designate as a word for 2019. We are in such an interesting transition that seems to be akin to the "Waiting Place" Dr. Seuss described in his book Oh, The Places You'll Go! We have had so much happen in the past 6 months that led us to this place of hurry up and wait. We have had some miraculous provision from the Lord that is a story for another time, but absolutely beyond anything we even asked for, and yet the Lord has been pretty silent when asking Him for specific direction and His voice to speak to us. I wondered if wait was my word for the year, but my heart didn't feel settled when I would try it out. Other words seemed to be possibly appropriate as well, but nothing would settle in with my heart as the word that God was speaking to me, and I couldn't get to the place of saying yes, this was the one, but my heart really desired to have a word, as silly as it might be.

As I thought and prayed and asked, one word would pop up in my mind as a possibility that I would quickly push aside. It is a great word, but it didn't seem like appropriate to what I see as the season we are in. Yet the word kept coming up in my mind, and I realized it was what my heart desired of this season most of all: joy.

Joy.

I am someone who really desires to be at peace with all my relationships and circumstances and find general happiness regardless of what is going on in life. I have lists and lists of thanks written down - mostly written in times when my heart is feeling least thankful, in order to point myself back to seeing the overflowing faithfulness of God in my life and redirect my moods and emotions. But even deeper than thankfulness and happiness and peaceful relationships with people and circumstances, I am desiring that deep, overflowing, abundant joy that God speaks of in His word. Like, true joy that causes me to laugh at the days to come. I don't want to be moved by mere circumstances or transition or my emotions. I want joy that is bigger and deeper and wider than the emotion of happiness, though I love to be happy. I want the joy of the Lord to be my strength and my anchor.

Isn't it funny how sometimes we have this deep desire but we wonder if the Lord wants it for us as well? I think that was what I was wrestling with - joy is my desire, but I asked is it His desire for my year as well? Quieting my busy mind and thoughts to actually ask myself what I was wanting and ask the Lord what He was saying about this year, I finally found this place of settledness in the word joy. I believe that funny that in the middle of my current unsettled life - almost all my worldly possessions in a storage unit and no place to call my very own - He is calling me to discover abundant, overflowing joy. I am so curious and excited to see how He plays this out in my life this year and what it ends up looking like.

Jesus had no home to call His own when He was ministering on this earth, something I have come to really appreciate and relate to over the past three months of looking and waiting for the right house, and I love how He has showed me that He really does understand and know all our temptations and weak places in our lives. He is acquainted with all our ways and He is so very near. He also was filled with joy above all His companions, says the writer of Hebrews, so I know that Jesus wasn't just content with life or thankful for what He was given but had this amazing joy that was so far beyond what was in front of Him. I press in and pray for God to do amazing things in our lives, and He really always does, but I am so excited to discover and experience joy that is so far beyond. I want to know this joy of Jesus and have it overflow from me onto others as well.

Do you have a word that you feel will define 2019? I would love to hear yours and what significance you feel it holds.

Charis

The Tease of an Early Spring

2019-01-25T22:53:00.004-08:00

I saw these flowers when I was on a walk yesterday and they grabbed my attention. Technically, it is not spring. But here where I live, we have had a couple teaser 70 degree days where the earth dared to come alive with the brightest green hues and the early blossoms of bulbs.

I think the season I am slowly emerging out of makes me feel very akin to the bulbs. There is a time of year that bulbs look like that had that short enthusiastic bloom, but then there really seem like that was it and they died for good. I even remember in our very first home, there were some random bulb in the middle of our grassy lawn and we mowed them down to have the uniform lawn look. But even though we weren't desiring them there, as soon as a little warmth and sunlight kissed the ground the hid beneath, the came up from their seeming grave and show new vibrant life and joy and popped up their lovely flowery heads in the middle of our grass before we could push them back down.

I have been through it. Some of you know parts of my offline story, but I would venture to say no one but my husband has really witnessed what felt like a slow death of so much of what I considered to be so defining to who I was in almost every area of my life. I felt like all my dreams and desires and vision died and was buried deep under the ground in a slow and drawn out letting go. I still loved God, still loved my family, but just felt so much like I had let go of so much and really believed it would never resurface - some of it I think I purposefully mowed down because I just didn't want to see it anymore, quite like those bulbs in our first house's lawn. But, it feels like a subtle tease of a season shift - like there is just enough warmth and light hitting the soil of me that there are things started to sprout up, and dare I even say flower, that I thought were gone forever.

I don't know what this is all going to end up looking like, but I just wanted to acknowledge it. I am not picking up where I left off on this blog - it is like a fresh start with a bunch of archives that I don't regret at all because they are a part of me. But so much has happened, so much tearing down and letting go and refining over the past several years of not writing much, and I really do think it is going to bear fruit that I have yet to see.

Since I have so very few readers left, it feels like a good time to just work it out on paper, or blog posts, right now and see where it all takes me. I am thinking I will give an updated simplified look to the blog as well. I am wanting to write again. I want to share what the Lord has taught me along the way because He has always been faithful, even when I couldn't understand His ways.

More to come.

Charis

You Can Do Hard Things

2019-01-23T21:20:00.000-08:00

I asked on my personal Facebook page a few days ago what people would want to see me write about. A longtime friend mentioned I should write about balancing all the different parts of life and finding peace in the midst of it all. Really, that is so humbling of a request because finding balance in life as a mom, wife, and adult with all the different hats to wear and things to do is very hard. So often I feel in the middle of the moment that I am failing and that it is just too hard to do. But there is a statement that I have been fixating on in teaching my kids to be overcomer in their own lives: You can do hard things.

I can do hard things.

Such a simple statement with so much power, and quite honestly how I have tried to live my life over the past 6 or so years when life simply seemed too much and too hard and a big blur of overwhelm. You see, it first acknowledges that it is true that what we face is indeed hard. Life is hard. Hard looks different for each one of us. There is the daily grind kind of hard. There is the huge obstacle kind of hard. There its the chronic type of hard. I could probably write a whole chapter of a book on each specific kind of hard we as women might face. Life can be so very hard.

It is okay, and actually vital, to acknowledge what we face is hard. I don't know about you, but sometimes I have this little voice in my head, the voice of the accuser, who whispers to me that it is just me - that others would be able to do whatever is before me easily and there must be something wrong and broken about me that it feels hard. Listening to that voice long enough, I will start to agree with it and belittle myself for not being able to "live up." "What is wrong with you?" On and on the accusations flail. But quieting my mind and just saying, "No, this is actually hard, even if everyone in the world could do it easily, it is hard for me... but I can do hard things."

You, and I, my friend, can do hard things. Life might throw so many various curve balls at you, sometimes one that threatens to take your very breath, and hope, away. But you were made to be an overcomer. You can do hard things. One. day. at. a. time. Sometimes one moment at a time.

And so today I want to just leave you with that - you can do hard things. Whatever it is you are facing right now in this very moment, you can access the Spirit of the Living God and ask Him for His strength and then you can do that hard thing before you.

I will leave you with a Martin Luther King Jr. quote that I read this week that just resounded with me:

If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

Charis

Being Reawakened

2019-01-19T21:50:00.000-08:00

So here I am writing again for the 2nd time in one week. That has got be a record of sorts for me in the last several years. Hahaha!

I have things being reawakened in me that were dormant for so very long. Things that I had desired to do, or used to do, but had let go of are just starting to poke up their head and say, "Hey, remember me?"

I have 7 kids. I have been married for almost 17 years. I am nearing 40 years old this spring. I am not the same girl I was when I was turning 20. And yet, I kinda am. I still have hopes and dreams that I haven't accomplished, that still feel out of reach, but I have a bit of maturity under my belt to realize that things take time. Often the journey is very different than we thought it would be, but it doesn't mean it isn't the same journey we were always on just because it looks different. Different isn't bad. In fact, it is what brings interest to this life that we are living.

I want to go with what God is doing. I was in a season of letting go for what seemed a long time. Being pregnant and having new babies over and over again for so long felt like I had to let go of so many many things and just focus on what I had right in front of me - the beauty of brand new life and yet all the intense work and energy that takes. I could not handle even thinking about all the things that used to bring me joy and life, let alone do those things.

Then my dad died, and it felt like a part of me died with him. Grieving took time and looked different than those around me and different than I expected it to look. I felt lost. I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't enjoy the things I used to enjoy. Things that used to bring me joy, just felt like they fell flat. And honestly, I felt very guilty about that - like maybe I was supposed to be processing it all different and maybe just more than I was versus letting it all affect me in ways I didn't understand. I don't know if I have fully pulled out of that, but this is the first time in these almost 6 years that I feel like I might have a tiny bit of vision coming back and desire to do what I used to enjoy doing. I don't mean to make it sound like I was just down in the dumps all the time for the past 6 years, but I would say that I think I have struggled with a mild form of depression that is probably very normal for someone losing a parent. Well, at least that has been my story.

All of this is to say that I have the desire to write again, but I don't know what I want to write about. Since I am pretty sure no one ever saw or read my last post, I think it is safe to just slowly process here before I start really writing for others to read. I want to put one foot in front of the other and let my heart start overflowing again into words, words into ideas, and hopefully write more than ramble like this.

Life is short and goes by so very quickly. I want to choose to take steps forward and not let life happen to me and just survive. I want to thrive in the place that God has put me and the wonderful full, oh so very full, life He has given me that the 20 year old me could have never even imagined. He has been so very very good. All the hard parts, the beautiful parts, the tiring parts, the thrilling parts, the painful parts... they add up to my good. Hopefully I can start sharing some of that again in writing because with 7 kids, well, there just isn't time to sit down one on one with each of you and share from my heart how God has taught me to trust Him and how it is okay when your path doesn't look how you thought it would. He is always faithful and we can learn so much from each of us sharing our story of His activity in our lives.

Charis

Where to begin again

2019-01-16T11:50:00.001-08:00

So, after frustration with the technical stuff when I last opened this blog to write well over a year ago, I just didn't come back for a while. Honestly, it has been years since my heart has really been here to write and to share with you all my journey. It is hard to know where to start again. I am sure those who have followed along from the past can tell that I am capitalizing my I's now. Well, it isn't that I am opposed to my former poetic way of having God be the only truly proper noun (still a beautiful thought to me)... just got a new computer and it defaults to capitalizing all my I's whether I like it or not, and I decided to not fight it but to go with it for now.

So, I am way out of practice with writing and blogging. I have had so much happen in my life since I was last writing here that it really is hard to know where to start again, but I wanted to at least give it a go and maybe try to drop in here now and again to share little things on my heart and that God is teaching me. Why? Well, after trying to push away from writing for so long because it just stirred up pain I didn't want to deal with, I have felt the stirrings again of really wanting to write a book. But why would I even write a book if there was no one who was wanting to read it? So, I come here to write again. Mostly to work out the muscle of writing again, to find what it is that is even stirring inside to write a book about at all, and because if there is anyone who still reads what I post here, you might be the ones who would be interested in a book if I indeed write one someday.

This morning as I was asking myself what I would even want to write about... the thing that kept echoing in my mind was "there is value in the journey." So, I am thinking that is what I will start sharing here when I can, and we will see where this things goes.

If anything I write resounds with you, I always value your comments. You are also free to share this place with people you think will be encouraged by my simple words. I also welcome ideas of what you would be interested in reading if I were to write a book (or even a blog post more regularly).

Bless you all and I am hoping that I will be here more often, sharing the overflow of my heart.

Charis

leaning into the pain

2017-11-16T13:39:00.002-08:00

it has been an intense season the past couple months. there are trials that everyone goes through - i am not going to pretend like mine are anything harder than anyone else or that i haven't had past seasons just as hard and much harder personally. this has just been a peculiar kind of hard. a hard that hits a specific tender spot in me and is challenging for me to walk through.

i have asked the Lord to take it from me. like pleaded. we have done what we can in the practical to deal with the trial, but it remains at this point. it has been almost 2 months and i feel worn down and struggling to believe anything will change. i mean, quite honestly, i have to deal with the thought that maybe it won't and i will have to decide what i do from here if it doesn't. but, i am still asking the Lord to bring us to the other side of this issue.

and though, as i said, my trial is nothing compared to what so many people are living through or what i have even gone through in my life. yet, i am facing that it really is a trial and i want to get whatever i have to out of it so that it isn't a trial in vain. you know what i mean? maybe it is my particular upbringing, but i think, "oh God, teach me what i need to know so we don't have to go around this mountain agan!" i was listening to a podcast of a gal who had a stroke about 10 years ago and she was talking about how life altering it was and how she has made it this far with a heart free from resentment or anger. she talked about leaning into the pain. in my comparatively light trial, i am asking myself if i have leaned into the pain, or if i have tried to stuff the pain because i feel so silly that this issue has caused my heart pain? how often do we look at others' lives and decided that the things that really do weigh our hearts down aren't worth dealing with because they make us look foolish? i mean, maybe i am foolish for having such a hard time these past couple months, but the fact remains that i am having a hard time. a very hard time. i am questioning why God isn't delivering me from the trial. i am going through all the same questions in my mind of why is this happening to me as i have in trials that others would look at as huge ones.

someone sent me the verse today, "I, even I, am He who comforts you..." from isaiah 51:12. i think i have had in my heart an accusation against God that He hasn't delivered me from this trial yet. the other day, in the heat of the moment, the words slipped from my mouth half in jest, "why do you hate me?" directed at God. i say half in jest because as i think about it, i am ashamed that my heart questions if God is somehow against me in having to deal with this issue. what is it i truly believe about God? do i believe He doesn't care for me, know my peculiar weaknesses, and is patient and kind towards me, or do i believe as this verse above states that He is the one who comforts me in the midst of my trial? could it be that He absolutely could deliver me from this trial this very moment, and i pray He does, but that He is tender and caring and gentle towards me in the middle of it even when He hasn't yet provided a way out?

i have listened to this song by shane and shane over and over again in this trial. the words that john piper speaks in the middle particularly speak to my heart in the middle of being discouraged. not one tiny moment of my suffering and pain is meaningless. God will bring good from it. i believe that He will bring the good both in this age and in the one to come. the passage this song is written from is from the book of job. if job could lean into the pain so fully and trusting, then how can i not? my trial is so much less than what he walked through, but it is no less that i choose to trust God and commit myself to not stuff or run from the pain, but to lean into it. doesn't even human wonder if his/her suffering and heartache is meaningless? i know i have asked that question so many times in my life. what a comforting statement that our pain has meaning. i feel like i have been hiding from God in my pain and He wants me to draw near Him and let Him comfort me. He is a tender daddy who cares even for a skinned knee or small cut on his little girl.

i am positive that every person who reads this post is going through a trial of your own, or about to go through one. i hope that this song, that this message that your pain is not meaningless will encourage you to not lose heart. lean into the pain with me. He is the One who wants us to come to Him for comfort.

finally coming to write

2017-08-23T12:12:00.001-07:00

well, it has been a long time since i last even opened up my blog. maybe i should just let it go. i don't know. life is so different now. it isn't that i don't want to write anymore. i just haven't had time for writing basically since i started homeschooling. it is such a consuming world with having 7 kids.

oh yeah, and i am pretty sure i never mentioned being pregnant again a year ago. i had a 7th baby this march. the sweetest little surprise baby girl. miss rivkah märi. i love her so very very deeply. she is 5 months old.

so, i opened up my blogger account, who i blog with, and all my embedded images on my blog are broken. i tried for just 5 minutes to figure out how to fix them and i give up. the site i had my half a dozen images i embedded onto here are side bar links now charges $399 a year (photobucket) to be able to link 3rd party. well, for my average of writing one post every 15 months... i don't think that is going to happen. what a sad day. i am not techie enough to know what to do from here... so do i try to start writing again now and again on a blog with a bunch of broken links i don't know how to fix, or do i let it go. i am not sure what to do and don't have the time to research how in the world to get them up or if i just delete them all.

i was going to come on here and process a little of what is in my mind. so much has happened and i have changed and, hopefully, grown so much in the past 4 years that i don't even know where to begin. i have always wanted to be a writer and yet have had to largely let it go. maybe God will bring it back one day. this mess of images on this blog makes me wonder if i am trying to resurrect it on my own too soon.

i don't even know if anyone will read this post. if so, and you have great easy advice for what to do with the photobucket change and somewhere else that would let me have my dozen images there that i could embed and hyperlinks on here, well... let me know. i imagine blogger has their own system, but i don't know what that is.

blessings to you and yours.

charis

musing of my heart on time and change and eternity

2016-05-25T12:07:00.003-07:00

life is such an interesting tension. in some ways, it feels as if i am always changing, and yet at the same time like i have always been the same. i look back at me 15-20 years ago, and it is looking back at a dreamlike me that exists in only my memories. many people who know me now and have met me since i have had kids do not know the parts of me that largely defined who i was before marriage and kids. (or would it better be stated, who i thought i was? i am just as much me now as i was then, and yet so much has changed and shifted) dear friends from the past would probably not recognize the me i have become - the me that i have grown into and become comfortable with and who has survived and been molded by the ups and downs of life. i know that i myself at 18-20 would have never guess i would be a mom of 6 kids who home-schooled. just not what i saw for my life down the road.

and yet, i feel so much the same. i understand what people mean as they get older that it is really just our shell that ages. part of me feels exactly the same. i was jumping on the trampoline with my kids the other night and i felt just the same inside as when i was 12 jumping on the trampoline. i wasn't sure if i dared try the flips i used to do, but i felt that same thrill inside... i feel the same impulses to sing out in a crowd or dance for no reason just to be silly... i still love so much that i have always loved and feel like so little has changed inside.

where i am in life, i almost forget the parts of me that largely defined who i was before. when someone brings them up in a conversation, maybe just finding out something i used to do in the past, i feel this little spark light up in my heart and it is then that i start to miss so much that i used to do and love. and yet, i would never trade the life i have for the life i had. that is the thing of it all... what i have right now is so much better than i could have planned or picked for myself, even with all the hardship it carries in itself. really, the trials have matured me. i am the same, but a wiser me... a less impulsive me... a more compassionate me... a me that has to lean on the Lord more because i am more acquainted with my own weakness, with sorrow, with the fragility of life.

in all this rambling, i wonder what my life in 15-20 years from now will look like... i wonder if the people who meet me then in that season will be surprised at this current season i am in. i wonder if anything in my past will be reawakened and woven back into my life in the future. i wonder if this present reality will also seem like a far away dream.

life is funny like that. i feel so much the same and so much different. maybe turning another year old recently made me super reflective. i know it has made me even more thankful for the reality of eternity. i can't help but wonder how all the pieces of a person will be worked together to make who they are really called to be in eternity - when we don't feel bound by time constraints and feeling as if we have to choose what we will focus on and give our attention to. i wonder what it will look like to be able to explore all the desires and dreams the Lord has placed in our hearts and not feel somewhere inside that hour glass that is ticking and the finite nature of life. i wonder what it will be like to love more freely without feeling constraints of the brokenness of human nature inside and without misunderstandings or the weight of sin. will i finally be patient with my own brokenness or will that brokenness finally be whole? probably a little of both i expect. what will it be like to not be in a hurry or not wishing time would just slow down?

i look at my kids and i see how my oldest is 12. six more summers, in theory, until he is an adult... and who knows what lays in store for him. i straddle the tension of feeling the speed at which my older kids are growing up and still changing diapers and waking in the night to nurse my youngest... and i know that we aren't promised a certain number of years. i want to keep my heart present and fully thankful in each moment - not grieving or missing the past, or dreading or longing for the future, but being here. right. now. and allowing the Lord to do with the past, present, and future me whatever He wills to do.

charis

ramblings on education and my sweet baby girl

2015-05-27T12:52:00.000-07:00

i have been so quiet around these parts that i am sure you can hear the crickets chirp.

life hasn't been quite so quiet in my off screen life however.

we just wrapped up our 2nd year homeschooling. there are so many wonderful things we have experienced in our homeschooling adventures. there are also many things that make me know that no one schooling approach is without its hardships and flaws. no one approach is for everyone or for every season.

our family prays about what school is going to look like every year. we don't have a mandate or direction from the Lord that we feel convinced is the one way we will go the whole way through school. it is interesting because it makes me feel a little awkward as a mom because i don't fit into either of the schooling (or any, as there seems to be even more than the main 2) camps. i totally see the benefits and shortfalls of the classroom education. i also totally see the benefits and the shortfalls of the home education. neither are perfect, and so often i find people, women in general, want me to take a hard fast line saying i am a 'believer' in one of the other. we seem to feel validated in our choices when we form a club around the way we do things.

i just am not a part of a club.

i have taught in the public education system, and i actually had a wonderful experience. i think there are really good teachers out there, really good schools, and a really good education and experience to be found. i still serve on the school board of a private christian school in town, and my kids attended there for 5 years. i have had a wonderful experience there and miss many of the benefits that school had to offer. i have homeschooled 3 kids one year, 4 the next, with little ones in tow and pregnant... i have had great experiences and some that still leave me unsatisfied. we have been a part of a co-op and i have been the lead teacher of many of those classes - again, benefit and difficulties.

i am personally the product of secular schooling through graduation from high school, both private and public education, and had wonderful and hard experiences. for me the good greatly outweighed the bad, and i wouldn't trade my experience for all the world. i went to a christian university (actually 2!). amazing and difficulty intermingled.

all this rambling is to say, i am probably always going to be a bit of a loner in my hesitation to jump on the bandwagon of homeschool or bust or the club of classroom or bust. i will always be someone who can see both sides. i will probably always feel a bit like i don't belong because i am not as sold out on most ideas or ways of doing things, especially education, as many of my friends and acquaintances. it really is a lonely place to be in.

but maybe just writing this and putting it out there will make one of you dear readers feel like you aren't alone if you feel like you also don't fit into either camp. i love the way God leads our family, even though sometimes it is stressful to not be sure what we are doing the next fall when everyone is asking for a commitment to plan like 6 months in advance. but He is always faithful and has always led us. i know He will continue to. i know that the way we do school may change from one year to the next, even from one kid to the next. i am okay with that.

one beautiful part of homeschooling this year has been having all the boys home with their little sister for her 1st year. this little one has been our absolute delight and icing on the top of our 5 layer chocolate cake. i love that they have had this special time with her... that she has had that special time with them. for me, i feel like i haven't had as much special time with her and my littler ones as i did with the older ones simply because i have to teach the olders so much. i know that God fills in those gaps for them, but i think it makes it feel like it goes by that much quicker if i can be perfectly honest. i am not ready for my littles to grow all the way up.

the beads are from her brothers for her 1st birthday gift. you better believe she knew exactly what to do with them. our teeny tiny sugar, not even 19 lbs yet at a year old. such a little love. my 3 year old was just telling our neighbor who came to the door to chat this morning, "see our baby girl? see our girl? do you see her? our baby girl?" it is as if all our hearts have had parts unlocked by her that we didn't realize were even there.

life is full. life is sweet. and, as everyone knows of their own life, the sweet is laced with painful. life is just that way. but, i do believe that the more acquainted we are with the depths of pain, the more the sweetness of life is just that... sweet and full of joy. i have to remind myself in the midst of the busy busy life of 6 kiddos to stop and look at these ordinary moments and soak in the delight... to take those mental photographs that will be etched onto my memories forever.

i guess this is just a rambling of my thoughts. what are your thoughts on education and life decisions? do you have a clear word from the Lord that is steering your direction consistently over a long stretch of time? do you come fresh to Him each year to find the directives for that year? do you see life from as many complicated angles as i do? i think it helps me relate to people... but it makes it hard to feel like i ever fully belong because i always see the other side. i would love to hear from anyone who has still hung around this long while i haven't been writing much. love you to all!

charis

even the one

2015-03-25T10:48:00.001-07:00

i know of a man who recently went to be with the Lord. about a year before his death, his wife had a dream that when he entered heaven he was greeted by the many many people that he shared the gospel with and led to the Lord. what a beautiful welcome into glory! can you even imagine seeing people in the presence of the Lord who you spent time praying for, sharing with, and discipling? a reward like that makes a life seem so worth all the hardship and sacrifice that surely came with it.

i lay in bed one night after hearing this story so moved by the life of this man who lived his life for the gospel, and reflected on the simple unimpressive life that i lead. my heart envied the life this man lived - a good righteous life that influenced others to walk with Jesus. i thought about my days - so routine, so monotonous, and without much reach or influence. laying there in bed i asked the Lord, "when i get to the end of my life, who will i have i even led to You?"

a sadness filled my heart - not the kind of sadness that is akin to self-pity, but the sadness of a child who wants to be pleasing to her Father and yet feels as if she has so little to show for her efforts. i am reminded of the apostle paul who said that the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. i just felt small and weak. my desire to live a life like this man was definitely there - but i wondered where was the opportunity to be faithful as he had been.

then i heard it as clear as if you were speaking to me, and yet it was that still small Voice that one can only hear with her inside ears:

"you are leading your kids to Me."

the anxious thoughts left. the burden of shame at the smallness of my days lifted. it was enough. the Holy Spirit reminded me that if i am faithful with the assignment that lays before me, it would be counted as righteous and the joy of His reward would be sweet.

i have thought back to that moment several times the past couple weeks. so often we envy others whose ministry and reach look big to us. these men and women are being faithful to what the Lord has laid before them, and He will reward their faithfulness. but the size of the ministry He has given us does not determine the eternal significance of His calling on our lives to lead those in our influence to Him. mother teresa said,

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."

i am not sure what the assignment is that the Lord has put before you. it may be so large that you feel small and unable to do what He has asked. it may look so small in the eyes of man that you wonder if it will have meaning in the end.

all i can tell you is this - He will give you opportunity to share the gospel with the one who is before you and encourage that one to live a life faithful in following our Savior, and leading even the one to following Him will have great reward for all eternity. we all have people in our lives whose eternity may be affected by our faithful witness of Jesus. He sees what men do not see. this you can count on.

charis

how is your heart today?

2015-03-18T11:37:00.001-07:00

today, if you would hear His voice,

do not harden your hearts...

psalm 95:7-8

how many times i cry out to hear the Lord's voice. right now is a time for me that i am looking for direction; i am looking for answers. i ask the Lord to speak to me in a dream. i ask that He would speak to me through other people. i ask that He would speak to me in His still small voice. i don't care how He chooses to speak - i just want to hear His voice and know it is Him.

reading my bible this morning i opened to the next psalm as i read through the book of psalms. psalms 95 starts with a exhortation to sing to the Lord, to worship the Lord, and to give thanks to the Lord. then it ends with a warning to not their harden hearts like they (the israelites) did in the wilderness.

i get it. i get how so often we harden our hearts in small inconspicuous ways because of hurts, disappointed expectations, or simply not understanding the Lord's ways. i know i have hardened my heart in little ways that i thought probably didn't really matter because i am still serving Him, right? but to protect myself and not completely lose it, i felt i had to harden areas just to survive.

i know that i have questioned God a lot about what it is that He is wanting for my family and me. i have all these dreams and hopes and as good as they are... what if the Lord's answer to me is -wait- ? what do i do with His voice if He corrects me in the little areas of my life that i have allowed self preservation to creep in? what do i do when i disappoint others expectations of me and carry that burden when it isn't mine to carry?

i want to be mindful as i ask Him to lead me and speak to me that i check my heart that it is soft and repent of any hardened places. i want His pleasure on my life more than i want everything to go easily my way. i am convinced that the way to soften my heart is to do the things that the beginning of the psalm mentioned - praise, singing to the Lord, worship, bowing at His feet, giving thanks for what. He. has. done.

all the disappointment and entitlement and hurts and confusion melt away when i fill my mind and heart with how faithful He has been to me.

let's not be so concerned with protecting ourselves, but let's concern ourselves with worshiping our King and let Him be the One to protect us. i am speaking to my heart this morning - keep your heart soft, charis, keep your heart soft.

charis

saying no, self-control, and joy

2015-02-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

i have missed writing here - so many times this has been an outlet for me both as a ministry to others and as a chance to express myself. i had a few moment this morning, so here are some thoughts i have been having in no particular order...

1. saying no - right now is a time of my life when i am throwing myself into my life that is right before me. i am not able to add a lot to it in writing or in taking on new commitments. i am learning how to say no. i am learning that it is okay, not only okay but really really good, to say no. saying no means i can say yes with a whole heart to the things He has asked me to say yes to right now. i am learning that saying no doesn't mean it will be no forever. i think a lot of times i am hesitant to make decisions because i feel like i am locking myself into a forever commitment to either do or not do something; however, this just isn't the case on most things of life. we follow His lead and He leads us day by day.

2. self-control of what comes out of our mouths (and our fingers) - it is an interesting time we live in where so much of our communication happens online via a screen that we can hide behind instead on face to face like most communication has traditionally taken place. my dad was a communications professor at a local university, so i would say i have some well grounded thoughts on communication. i find it interesting that so many people feel so much liberty in what they say in an online setting that they may never say to someone's face. i find it interesting that so much of our communication in these settings lacks the non-verbal communication elements that they say make up 80% or more of communication. i find it very interesting, interesting and sad, that people, especially believers, type out statuses and comments on forums like facebook that insult other people for choices they make in life with demeaning language and haughty speech and words (and this is often on non-sin issues... i am not talking about taking a stand for righteousness). there are so many hot topics these days, largely fueled by the media swirl (which is another topic for another day), and it seems people are so quick to demonize "the other side," not thinking that those of "the other side" may be the brothers and sisters in Christ that we worship next to on Sunday morning. so many Scripture references pop into my head including Jesus' admonishment that calling your brother a fool could endanger one's soul of the lake of fire itself... or how about the places where the apostles paul, peter, and john plead with believers to love one another? i often wonder if people think about who is reading their words and if they would want to say that to someone's face? how would these discussions take place in a living room over a cup of coffee? or, even more important, do we want these side issues, no matter how passionate we feel about our perspective, to take the place of importance of the REAL issue of following Jesus and displaying his sacrificial love to one another and to those who have not yet believed? i believe in not compromising what Jesus and the scriptures say following Him looks like - i am not one of changing the scriptures to say all paths lead to God. i am thinking of side issues... i am thinking of things that are left up to us and not described as sin. even confronting sin issues should be done in love and coming to a brother or sister personally... just thoughts that i think when i watch this dynamic that is specific to our particular time we live in.

3. joy - what does it look like to walk out true joy? joy isn't tied to circumstance - joy is tied to the secure place we have in the One to whom we entrust our lives. i am finding for myself joy is more and more tied into giving thanks. as i am reading through the psalms daily, i am finding the command to give thanks over and over again. i read the reminder to israel to remember what He did for them and to tell others of what He did... i think as believers we are to do the same. when my thoughts and words are filled with thanking Him for His faithfulness, something bubbles forth from my very depths that can't help but cause me to trust Him more and to experience this joy that cannot be stolen by anyone or anything. no one can steal my joy when i am anchored to Him who is trustworthy. i do not understand a lot in life, but i know that joy is available to me when i choose to give thanks in all things.

blessings to you and yours - may God show you what He has for you to say yes to so you can feel confident in saying no to what which isn't for this season. may God give you grace to choose your words lovingly and keep the main thing in focus, that the worries and cares of this life won't cause you to forget that we are first called to walk as He walked and talk as He talked - full of mercy, truth, and always pointing to the hope of reconciliation to the Father! may God bring you to experience true joy - joy that lasts!

charis

thoughts

2015-01-28T10:41:00.000-08:00

it has been a season of lots of pressure. lots of crushing. lots of testing. i feel as if i were dust. fine dust. interesting that we were made from dust and both literally and figuratively we return to dust...

i am so thankful that neither my best moments nor my worst moments define me.

i am defined by the mercy of Jesus alone and i throw myself at His mercy. i sure need it. His sacrifice for me was enough. i cannot add to it nor take away from it - He is more than enough for me. He is both my shield and my exceedingly great reward.

i would love to write more often. this is just not that season. there are a lot of things i wish for that are not a part of my current season of life, but i find that i am happiest if i embrace the season i am in. i have heard it said that the most joy comes from not chasing what you love but loving what you already have. i purpose my heart to give thanks, to live from a place of joy, to say no to the thoughts that i am not enough, do not have enough, can never do enough. Jesus is enough for me and i don't have to be enough because He was enough and will always give me more than enough for each moment.

in everything give thanks. this is the will of God for you and for me. in everything. i am purposing my heart to do this moment by moment, day by day, and i know that one day i will see much good fruit from the simple yes to acknowledging His great goodness in my life.

charis

late night musings

2015-01-03T00:25:00.000-08:00

i have had several really good blog posts swirling around my head over the past month or so, only to not get a chance to sit down at the computer and type them out. aw... thus is the life of having 6 kids. no time when i am inspired, and no inspiration on the chance i have a few minutes of time.

kids have changed me.

one kid? not so much. i brought him around everywhere with me, still doing pretty much what i did.

two kids? well, that hit me like a freight train, but slowly i pulled out of the wreckage and tried to piece back together a semblance of who i thought myself to formerly be. did i ever fully recover? the world, or i for that matter, may never know.

three kids? well, somehow i had the grace of God to step into a new season of me. former dreams that had been put way up high on the back shelf to collect dust were pulled back down, and i rediscovered a bit of me that i had forgotten. i found a new confidence and settled into myself. i discovered new parts i didn't know were there.

four kids? i entered into a letting go. be it for a short time or forever, i felt my hands release what i had tried to hold tight to.

five kids? my hands became so full, my heart even moreso, that i didn't have room for anything else. did i mean i didn't value other parts of me? no. i just realized that to be present with all i had, something had to give.

six kids? my life before is a fuzzy distant memory that only sometimes i get a small glimpse of, maybe in a dream in the night or being tagged in an old pic on facebook, and nostalgia and sentimentality come for a visit over a cup of tea late at night. then i wake up in the morning wishing i had gone to bed a bit earlier because of all i have to do on much too little sleep.

what is the point of this rambling? i went to a movie tonight that was a film version of a musical i was in during my college days. i felt a foggy memory of a person i was long ago, who i am pretty sure is in there somewhere. the memories triggered were happy ones. i smiled, i remembered, i looked up people on facebook that i haven't spoken to in years. i also sat and wondered who of my current friends and acquaintances know i was in theatre in a "previous life." who knows the parts of me that seem so hidden that i sometimes forget they are there? so much has changed. so much life lived, the road coming to forks where i had to make a choice, and other times taking a detour not of my own choosing.

but even in my musings and remembering, i don't regret taking the road i chose, and making the choices i did that have led me so far from those days. i may not have chosen detours that are now a part of my history, but even those have shaped me, grown me, matured me.

i love my life now. do i wish at times i could have parts of my past while living in my present? perhaps. but perhaps not. so much has happened since those times, and so much of it is all jumbled up in the mess of yarn that makes up who i am today. beautiful times. painful times. times i smile upon. times i would rather forget. and yet, none of it is in vain. somehow the Lord will take this tangled yarn and make a beautiful piece of art, and it will all count.

so as i go to sleep tonight i will remember and i will thank the Lord for the sum of the times He has given me, all the times that lie ahead, many or few, and whoever He is weaving me together to be. His plans are good. His ways are high. as i plunge ahead into a new year, i choose to trust, to love, to be present, and to give thanks for all i have rather than long for what i don't.

charis

how do you follow Jesus when you have a justice heart?

2014-11-12T12:06:00.000-08:00

there are a lot of thoughts swirling in my head about what it looks like to walk in faith in Jesus during this life.

did Jesus really mean for us to "turn the other cheek?" when peter asked Him how many times he should forgive someone who did him wrong, did Jesus really mean "70 times seven" as saying over and over again? i mean, if some really does something unjust against us, are we to let it slide or make sure wrong is made right?

i am not trying to just ask rhetorical questions. my dad always described me as being someone who had a justice heart. i have a really hard time knowing that something was wrong and that nothing is done to rectify it. i get it when people want to wrong the rights of the world. i get it when it feels like a violation of everything i know to be true to just "let it go."

i don't think Jesus was saying to just let things go. i don't think He was saying that the wrong done isn't a big deal. i mean, look at His life - it was a really big deal that He was lied about and given the death sentence; He was beaten, humiliated, and left naked and half dead on a cross with people spitting on Him, taunting Him to make His own justice for Himself if He truly was who He said He was. i am pretty sure that Jesus knew that it was a big deal injustice happening to Him.

so, tell me, why was He able to say, "Father forgive them, they don't know what they are doing," when it seems pretty obvious that each person there fully knew they were killing Him and mocking Him? i don't think they had the insanity plea available. i don't think it was just a mistake. i think it was premeditated, wicked, and the worst offense that could have been done against a person, let alone the Person of God. i don't think Jesus was "brushing it off."

when i talk to my kids about forgiving their brothers that do wrong against them, i really try to start with the context that what their offending brother did really was WRONG. i don't want them to think that it is something simply to get over and ignore. i want my kids to know there there truly is a day of reckoning where each one of us will stand before a Righteous Judge who will make each wrong be paid for in full. each one of us will be required to fully pay the offenses that we committed - unless.

unless we cast ourselves at the mercy of Jesus on that cross.

i ask my kids when they are struggling with the forgiveness thing if they want to receive the mercy of Jesus over their lives when they stand before the Father. you see, it is clearly written in more than one place that the key to receiving forgiveness is to forgive.

to the merciful, they shall receive mercy.

mercy does not mean that wrong was not committed. the only time anyone needs mercy is when what they did was really truly wrong. i am in desperate need of mercy in my life, and this is THE reason i commit my heart over and over again to giving mercy to those who commit wrong against me. i do not do it for their sake, though i am learning more and more how much i should have their sake in mind - i do it because i want all my sins covered when i stand before the Father on that day of judgement. i don't want any areas brought up where He can point out that i refused mercy or forgiveness in situations that i thought i was justified in requiring things to be made right. i think of the parable of the man who owed a great debt and was forgiven, then went to his neighbor and demanded he pay the small debt back immediately. when the judge heard of this he was infuriated, for good reason. i do not want to be that man. i want to be the one to receive mercy because i gave the undeserved mercy to others. i want to be the one who was so thankful for my great debt being forgiven that it is overflow to forgive others of what they owe me.

i do not concern myself with whether i will be viewed as a doormat or not. if this was what Jesus was mostly concerned with, He would NOT have given us the example of dying on a cross. if Jesus was mostly concerned with if we would be treated as a doormat, then He would NOT have told us that we must carry our own cross to follow Him.

He did not give many ways to follow Him. i cannot choose how i follow Him. if i am to be a follower of Jesus, i must choose His way. that is frightening. i do not want to carry my cross. i do not want to be wronged. i do not want to be wronged over and over again, maybe even to the point of death. i am being totally serious. i struggle with this big time in my own heart and i wonder, if i struggle so much with forgiving small things done against me by my children, my husband, my family, and my friends, how in the world am i even going to give my life if that is what is asked of me? am i even saved when there are christians giving their lives all over the world for not denying Christ, and i struggle if someone broke my stuff and doesn't offer to fix it or if my husband doesn't apologize for hurting my feelings?

why would it even matter to give mercy? why is this how Jesus asks us to follow Him? it only matters because our God is a God of mercy. it is because Jesus was a perfect representation of what the Father is like - we can look at how Jesus lived every day of His life and know the Father. Jesus wants us as well to be a true witness of what He is like, and what the Father is like in turn. when someone wrongs me and i give them mercy and forgiveness - especially when they do not ask for it, think they need it, or are willing to make anything right on their end - i am showing a picture of what this awesome God i serve is like. i am showing that the only reason i even have an ounce of power or desire to show mercy and forgiveness is because i am constantly reminded how it was, is, and will be shown to me.

i am a sinner saved by the grace and mercy of Jesus. i do not ever want to forget this because it is the only way i am saved from the wrath of God.

so, if i am liberal in showing mercy and forgiving from my heart, not requiring wrong to be made right, i WILL probably be treated like a doormat. i will most likely be taken advantage of by those looking out for their own gain. i will most likely be misunderstood and mocked. but i believe that God will make ALL the wrong things right when Jesus returns, and i want to learn to be patient for His justice and not try to make my own justice. i know this doesn't come easy to me, and anyone who really knows me knows how much i struggle to be a witness of this. i wish i could write this conviction i have and at the same time have that perfect witness of it that Jesus had. i really wish, and hope to one day, have the type of walk in my life that you could look at how i conduct myself and say, "i think she really does believe those things that she wrote about." this is my goal. i mess up over and over again, but i have purposed my heart to learn how to walk out a life of forgiveness that isn't deserved and to wait upon the justice of God because i really believe that day of accountability is real and it scares me a little. okay, it scares me a lot. i ask the Father for the Holy Spirit to strengthen me in this because it is so hard. so terribly hard.

i think Jesus asked the Father to forgive the ones who enacted the greatest injustice against Him in the midst of dying, because He had full understanding of the day of judgement coming and He wanted as many to be saved from the wrath of God as possible. once in a while i get a small revelation of the realness of this day coming, and i have grace on my heart to forgive even deeper and cry out for the Lord to NOT make those who have wronged me pay but to give them full forgiveness and mercy forever. i do not want anyone to go to the lake of fire. i really don't. it terrifies me. i want my life to somehow point others to the mercy of Jesus that they would surrender their lives to Him as well and be saved by Him forever. i want people to know there is mercy available and that the day of judgement is real.

i know this is a long rambling, but these are my thoughts this morning. the belief that this is all real is the only thing that gives me strength to really turn the other cheek - to allow someone access to hurt me AGAIN, possibly in the same way and hopefully be praying for the Lord to be merciful to them in the midst of it. i fall short. i know i do. but i desire for the Lord to grow me in this area because i believe it is the biggest deal of what following Jesus looks like. if i cannot acknowledge that my own life is in desperate need of forgiveness, then it is much harder to see the why of me living in a way that could very well leave me without seeing justice in this life.

charis

day 31: little miss

2014-11-01T19:59:00.001-07:00

my last day of the challenge! first of all, i have to say thank you to every reader who hung with me. i can't believe i made i with only getting 1 day behind. no, i will not continue to post daily, but you will keep hearing from me. i won't wait 8 months again before a new post.

for my last day of these 31 days of thanks, i want to give thanks for my baby girl. i know i kind of gave thanks for her in my intro post too.

she is truly a content baby.
she is a good sleeper, and not because of anything i have done differently. i get a good sleeper every 3rd baby...
if her brothers were a rich fudgey chocolate cake, she would be that perfectly delectable frosting on top.
i have wanted a baby girl my entire life. i always wanted a big family and when i met bill and thought i could easily have a bunch of boys if i had a little girl as a caboose. she is the most perfect caboose i could ever imagine. i doubted for several years that she would ever be, but she is and that just blows me away over and over again.
she gives bill the opportunity to have a daddy daughter bond that i had with my daddy, and that just means more to me than i know how to put into words. he never had sisters, and i am so thrilled to see this little girl rock his world in only 5 months. he has always bonded so well to our nieces, and now he has a little beauty of his own to love on.
i love to see how her brothers just adore her, take care of her, and make her smile and laugh. i love that they get to experience how special it is to have a sister.
after some really painful years, God has given me such a gift and i don't know how to describe it... i didn't even really feel the ability to grieve my daddy until i found out i was pregnant. it was so bittersweet in ways words don't really do justice until you walk through something like it. i don't know what it was about this sweet baby, but she unlocked my heart to feel again. after being so numb for 6 months, the first emotions to tumble out were very painful. but God used her before i even knew her to bring healing to my heart, and she will forever be connected to my daddy even though she hasn't met her yet. i know he would and will love her so much.
she is my little myrtle tree and the grace of God to me. she really was born for a time such as this that He has planned ahead of time.

charis

want to read more of my 31 days of thanks? just click on the box below - it is that simple.

day 30: my fellow thumb sucking boy

2014-10-31T15:32:00.000-07:00

it is simeon's turn for me to be thankful for him!

this boy is pure sunshine. we were camping with our church and went to a campfire gathering, a lot of the people there we didn't know yet, and he shouted, "these are all my friends!" he is so friendly and everyone who meets him falls instantly in love.
he knows no personal space. his favorite place is on my lap, holding my hair, and sucking him thumb (we have this thumb sucking thing in common since i sucked mine til i was 7). if my lap isn't available, anyone else's lap and hair will do. he just needs the snuggle.
he tells me all the time that i am his favorite.
he is feisty. his middle name is jacob, and often i think it would have been a more fitting first name for his personality - one who wrestles with the angel of the Lord until He blesses him. also... i could see him tricking an older brother out of a birthright. i am just saying...
he is so articulate. he said "i need mama" and "i love you" at 3 months old, and has been a jabber mouth ever since. i am not kidding. i cannot tell you how many people have met him his whole life and say, "how old is he? his vocabulary is so advanced." trust me, i know! i am shocked often at how well he expresses himself.
he has a contagious laugh! he wakes up happy and loud and giggly and greets people when he first sees them with shouts and cheers and clapping.
this kid is a mama's boy. all of my boys are, but simeon acts like my world should revolve around him alone and it makes us laugh that he is #4 of 6... he so doesn't act like it to me.
he has the cutest little sylvester the cat accent. i know he will grow out of it, but it just cracks me up to hear him talk because it is so cute.

charis

want to read more of my 31 days of thanks? just click on the box below - it is that simple.

day 29: the gift of no regrets

2014-10-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

i had a period of time during my teen years that my relationship with my dad was tense. we went through some intense family situations when i was a kid that led to a chain reaction of some unhealthy ways of dealing with stress. i personally struggled a lot internally with the stress in my family, and there were fractures in my relationship with my dad. i had a build up of hurt and emotions and felt like i often ended up in conflict situations with my dad even when i didn't mean to be in a conflict. looking back, as i was struggling with my own emotions and reactions i was often disrespectful with my mouth to both my parents, but especially to my dad because i felt hurt by some of the stress in our house. i was trying to protect myself in a very immature way. now as a parent, i feel especially sad about the way i talked to my dad in conflict and misunderstandings. i was so upset and just plain immature at the time that i couldn't see how hurtful i was to him as another human being who could be hurt by my words. i don't think i really understood that a child can hurt a parent with words, but now as a mom i do understand this and have experienced it to a very small extent. i can even see from this point in my life that the stress in my growing up years had nothing to do with me, but as a child it felt like it did. i also now have perspective that adults don't always make the right decisions just because they are adults - i am sure my kids wonder why i deal with things in immature ways because they don't realize that being an adult or a parent doesn't make you perfect.

i loved the Lord very much as a teenager, even though i acted very childish and disrespectful at times. i decided to go to a christian university about 600 miles away after graduating from high school. i was nervous to go away from home, but i think i needed the distance for a short time to try to work on my own heart with God in a very intentional way. my college years were incredibly fruitful in my life with the Lord and incredibly intense. the point of this post isn't processing living away from home or about the college experience, but there were times in college when i was so lonely and literally felt like God was my only friend. sometimes i was so homesick, but knew i was exactly where i was supposed to be. i made lots of friends and was very involved in classes, working, and extra-curricular activities. however, i was going through such a crushing and refining time with the Lord that i look back on that time as one that was incredibly hard and yet produced tons good fruit in my heart.

i remember coming home to work for the summer after finishing my first year of school away and my mom pulling me aside. she told me that she could see so much good fruit in my life with the Lord from how i didn't react in a conversation with my dad that just a year earlier
would have set off my mouth in a sassy way. i don't even know if i realized that i didn't react until she pointed it out. i remember feeling so happy, deep joy, when she told me that she saw a change in me. it felt like suddenly all the hard lonely times with only having the Lord to lean on, cry out to, and spend time with the past 9 months were suddenly so worth it because there was good fruit in my life and in the way i used my mouth!

i had been especially a daddy's girl when i was very young, but the stress in our house later on had broken down that especially close bond. i always loved my dad and knew his deep love for me, but we just had a really hard time communicating and i hadn't fully forgiven him for hurts even though i had tried over and over again. finally my heart felt free from hurt and i knew that God had given me the gift of truly being able to forgive him and love him the way i really wanted to love him all along - with a more mature and humble love. it was like that daddy's girl bond was reestablished because of the Lord's healing work in my heart and all the refining He had done in me while i was alone.

from that point on my relationship with my daddy just got better and better. there were still the normal human dynamics of misunderstanding or small conflict from time to time, but it was so good and so sweet so much of the time. i remember being so excited for my daddy to meet this guy that i had met in brazil and was considering marrying when he was going to visit me for the first time. it was one of my little tests to know if bill was the right one - how well could he talk to and relate to my daddy. i was thrilled to see they really hit it off. I could see how much my dad liked him andz he gave his blessing so willingly to the guy i was falling in love with.

the very first person i wanted to tell when i found out i was pregnant for the first time, besides my husband, was my dad. i immediately went to target to buy a frame that said "we love you grandpa" for him to open on father's day as our announcement. he was the first person i wanted to share my joy with in the expectation of having a baby. i remember when he was scheduled for a surgery several years ago that was pretty intense, and i knew we had been trying to get pregnant for several months and there was a possibility i could be pregnant. i knew it was a bit early to find out for sure, but i held my pee all day in hopes that i could find out the night before my daddy headed down to san francisco for surgery so i could tell him. it was a comfort to me that he would know going into surgery that he was going to be a grandpa again, and i was so excited to drive other there late at night just to tell him in person before he left.

anyways, i guess i go into all of this to just say that i am so so deeply thankful that God healed my relationship with my daddy, and that He made it so much better than i could have ever imagined. it was like He took something that was good before it was broken, and He took all the broken places and healed them up to be even better than it had ever been before. now, looking back after having to walk through my dad's battle with cancer and how horribly hard it was to go through in ways i can't even really write about at this point, i am thankful over and over and over again that our relationship wasn't only good, but it was really really really good. several years ago, before he was going through all the sickness stuff, i had been really convicted to repent to my siblings and parents for hurtful ways i treated them as a teenager. i went to my daddy and told him i was so sorry for all the hurtful ways i talked to him and asked him to please forgive me. he said he already had long ago. i knew that i wasn't really repenting for his sake, but for my own heart to feel released. i have thought so many many times that i am so thankful that God gave me that opportunity to acknowledge what i had done wrong in our relationship, so that i wouldn't have unresolved places in my heart.

i remember just sitting there in the room while my dad slept during the really sick times praying for healing and it was just so painful to see him like that, and i remember just telling the Lord i was so thankful for even that very painful moment of being with my daddy. i wanted to be thankful in the middle of the worst of it and in the middle of all the pain, because i could be there with him, pray for him, love him unselfishly, and be confident that our relationship was really really good. i am so sad that he wasn't healed here and now because i miss him so much. i am so thankful, though, that before ever having to walk through it God brought beautiful healing and health to our relationship and i will never have to struggle with regrets about my relationship with my daddy.

i really encourage anyone who is having a rift in your relationship with a parent or loved one to make it right on your end. fully press into God for grace to really forgive past hurts, and let Him be the One to heal the broken places in your heart. stop holding some standard of expectation of what the other person "should" do to make it right. ask Him for the opportunity to have any breeches in relationship mended. humble yourself to the person for your part in the mess, because there is no tension in any relationship that is 100% one party's fault but always some degree of fault on both sides.

none of us are guaranteed even one more day, and we don't want to live with regrets about how we treated those we loved. we all want to have a clean conscious before the Lord. God is the Restorer of all things, and He really does take what is broken and fix it and make it even better than before the breaking happened.

charis

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day 28: a mama's boy

2014-10-29T22:28:00.003-07:00

it is uriah's turn!

he is such a fun kid! i love how his eyes twinkle when he laughs and when he cries.
he is so ultra focused on anything he is doing and he does everything with 110% effort.
everything is about speed with this boy.
he is forever a mama's boy - such a sweet spot in my heart for his lovey ways and his deep attachment to his mama. he still thinks he will never marry but be with mommy forever.
he is so incredibly artistic and musical - i am often surprised at what he produces creatively.
he is so boyish boy, but he isn't afraid of having girl friends or doing "girl" activities like making a rag doll or stringing beads in a co-op class. in fact, he really enjoys it. he love to cook. he wants me to teach him how to knit. and yet, he is so rough and tumble and a filthy dirty boy. dirty feet all the time. he is quite a paradox and i love it.
he loves to lead worship. when in kindergarten and asked what he wanted to do when he grew up he said be a preacher... i think he very well may, but i know he will always lead worship.

charis

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day 27: my youngest little man

2014-10-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

giving thanks for my little hosea justus today:

he is sweet as sugar - i call him my sugar baby. his smile and twinkling eyes can melt me in an instant.
he is fierce and loves to fight more than any of my other boys - he constantly plays david and goliath. he walks around the house as goliath yelling, "who will fight me today?!"
i thought i only wanted 4 kids - he is number 5, number 5 boy nonetheless, and he is seriously like icing on the top of the cake. i cannot imagine life without him and all he has brought to make my life fuller. God gave me such a sweet gift when He gave me our little "zeä."
at only 2 years old, he already loves to pray. he starts every prayer out with, "Lord, i thank you that..." and he truly does thank the Lord for things and pray about real burdens on his heart. it is amazing what a 2 year old can really grasp.
he reminds me so much of asher at this age - i feel like i am reliving 8 years ago and that is so much fun.
he is a cuddle bug.
God really met me in an intimate and incredible way during his birth.

charis

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day 26: avoiding the entitlement trap

2014-10-27T20:53:00.000-07:00

i have been wanting to write about entitlement in this series. i think it it the elephant in the room when it comes to giving thanks (or not giving thanks). everyone knows it is there, everyone struggles with it even if they don't want to admit it, and everyone thinks it is someone else's problem.

listen, i know that our culture has made a lot of money by selling us the line that we deserve to be happy, comfortable, and entertained. the thing is, the moment we start toying with the idea that we deserve anything at all, we lose the ability to be truly thankful.

i cannot look longingly at what i do not have, convincing myself of all the reasons why i really should have it, cling to the lie that have been somehow wronged if i don't end up having it, and see the blessings that are in my life. all i can see is the blinding light of what i "deserve." whether it is out loud with my lips or deep inside in my heart, i will start grumbling and complaining about how i was somehow wronged because of my lack in the area of my life that i believe should be different. usually the one we ultimately believe has wronged us is God Himself.

it doesn't have to be about material possessions either. entitlement and self pity are like bffs. they take turns making us more miserable, more anxious, and more ungrateful. we can easily fall prey to this danger because it is one of the most widely preached messages in the american culture, even sometimes in the church. "you deserve _______." it is shouted everywhere we turn.

entitlement is the lock and chain that keeps our eyes blind and our hearts entangled in strife and envy, but giving thanks is the key to living in freedom and joy.

we do not have a right to be happy.

life being fair is nowhere in the bible.

we do not deserve anything.

we really do need the grace of the Holy Spirit to give us a heart of thanks to replace the heart of entitlement that every single one of us struggle with on some level.

in the words of a misty edwards' song:

You owed me nothing
i deserved hell
You owed me nothing
but You've given me mercy...

we need a sobering of our own estimation of ourselves to realize that these lyrics are the reality of our lives - without the mercy and kindness of God, we were on a road leading to hell itself. but in His abundant lovingkindness, He rescued us from a life headed towards destruction; and if it were for only this one single act, we could spend every moment of the rest of our days giving thanks. He is so generous with us if we could only have eyes to see His kiss of goodness in

every. single. event. in. our. lives.

- even the really tough ones that seem to be from the enemy of our souls.

the Lord is holding us in the palm of His hand and nothing can take us away from Him. in these times we still can give thanks over and over again for He is faithful to us all the time. if we fall into the trap of entitlement, we will always be discontent, demanding from our very Creator a different life than He has given us.

see, the best cure for entitlement is to give thanks. when we are filling our thoughts, hearts, and mouths with all that God has done for us, for how much He has given to us that we did nothing to deserve... we stop thinking about what we think we deserve that we lack. His gifts are always for our good. He is a good Father. we have so much to give thanks for, if we would only look at all He has done and given day after day after day.

we do not have to fall into this trap. giving thanks can set our hearts free.

charis

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day 25: beloved son

2014-10-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

i know i write about my kids a lot, but as a mom of 6 they are a huge part of my world. i am watching my #3 son david creating on our hardwood oak living room floor and i am thinking of so much thanks i can give to God for him.

he was a surprise baby who came at a time that i didn't think i could handle being pregnant or adding to our family... and he came in God's perfect timing. i really couldn't have planned the timing better, and God knew that and gave me david as such a treasure. he was the easiest, most content baby.
he is my only brown haired child. this gives him an unique look, even though i see a lot of his older brother asher in him.
he is fearless and yet very calculated in the risks he takes.
he can make our baby girl laugh easier than anyone else - he has a special way that i haven't figured out how to duplicate.
he is a no nonsense kind of guy. you aren't going to be left guessing with him, as he has no pretense or game playing about him. if he gives you a compliment or does something especially thoughtful, it is genuine.
he has my color green eyes exactly, and i just love it.
he has the cutest round fat freckles that look painted on - they are endearing.
just like his namesake, king david, he is a worshiping warrior - so fierce and strong and yet so tender and sings spontaneous songs to Jesus all day long.

charis

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day 24: your assignment

2014-10-25T22:50:00.001-07:00

then on that day david first assigned asaph and his relatives to give thanks to the Lord. 1 chronicles 16:7

could you imagine being the one whose life assignment was to give thanks to the Lord? wow. what a weight of responsibility and what an honor.

i imagine a conversation going like this:

average joe: what do you do? i am the armor bearer to the king.
asaph: oh me? well, i fill by days by giving thanks the the Lord.

and we all have that assignment, whether we realize it or not. our job is to praise and worship the Lord, from now to all eternity, and to give Him the glory due His name.

so consider this the day you receive your assignment to give thanks to the Lord.

charis

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day 23: for the rest of my days

2014-10-24T22:20:00.003-07:00

tonight i am thankful for the mercy of God. i am a broken imperfect person. i have nothing in myself that could earn the love of our perfect Creator and Father. i mess up so many times. i say things i wish i hadn't said, and don't say the things i wish i would have said. i get angry. i get sad and wallow in self-pity. i get boastful and arrogant thinking i am somehow better than someone else. i get incredibly self-focused and self-absorbed. i often think my way is the best way. i think too much about gaining the approval of those around me. i mess up even when i am trying my very best to do right and hurt others unknowingly and accidentally.

and yet, God in His abundant mercy forgives all my faults, short-comings, and blatant sin when i admit my need for a Savior. what a beautiful reality that my salvation isn't up to me! how sweet is the merciful love of God? how can i resist giving Him thanks at the top of my lungs, with every breath, for the rest of my days?!

charis

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day 22: interruptions

2014-10-22T21:28:00.001-07:00

i have several ideas of what to write swirling around in my head. i have a couple half written posts, but sometimes life, lack of inspiration, or simply the difficulty of typing this one-handed gets in the way.

yet, to stay with the theme of 31 days of thanks, i am thankful tonight for my life that gets in the way. my days are filled with good things like noisy kids, warm bowls of potato cheddar soup, and blue storage containers of hand-me-downs of the next size clothing for a growing two year old. i may not have inspiration, but i have written for 22 days straight after having nothing i wanted to even attempt to type out for 8 months. i must type this post one-handed because my beautiful baby girl sleeps in my other arm - the baby girl i prayed for since i was a young girl and who i started to doubt i would ever actually meet.

so, thanks for these welcome interruptions to my attempt to be a writer. there are so many things going right, far more than i deserve, so i will stop there and say good night. i pray the Lord showers you with blessings that interrupt your well laid out plans.

charis

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