When I first heard the title of this movie I thought it referred to being buried given the subject matter of the film. According to Felix Bush (Robert Duvall) it means “let’s get down to business.” The business he is referring to is his own funeral which he would like to take place while he is alive rather than the other way around.

Felix Bush is a hermit who lives in self imposed exile deep in the woods. He appears in the nearby town only when he is in need of something. As a result of his scruffy appearance and the rumors surrounding him, the townsfolk shun him mostly out of fear. Felix decides to go to town in order to discuss the possibility of having a funeral service while he is still alive. He reasons that he would like to know what folks are saying about him behind his back and, in general, how he is truly regarded. His visit brings him to the office of the funeral director Frank Quinn (Bill Murray) who is having a hard time staying in business since “people are dying everywhere, except here.”  Although Felix’s request is most unusual, Frank sees an opportunity to make a few dollars. His employee, Buddy Robinson (Lucas Black) initially resists the idea but eventually gets on board with the idea as things progress.

There is mystery in Felix Bush’s long ago past and he is anxious to come clean and confess his wrongdoing. Faced with a ceremony that would be largely unattended, he and Frank concoct a plan to auction off Bush’s house and property (with the winner taking possession upon his actual death) for $5 a chance. Everyone is invited to the funeral for free with the only obligation being to tell a story about Bush.

This is a beautifully filmed period piece. The costumes and old cars were eye-catching. The plot was convincing and enjoyable but the movie positively glowed with the presence of Duvall on the screen. He is totally mesmerizing in every scene he appears in. Even when he isn’t talking he is spellbinding to watch and listen to his “grunts.” There is little doubt that he will once again be in consideration for an Oscar – and rightfully so!

Rated  -  PG13  -

Quotes from Get Low

Fatwayne’s Rating  -  -

 I would call this a very good movie that emanated from a crazy idea.  We have to go back to 2007 and Quentin Tarantino’s Grindhouse. In that movie several fake trailers were made and shown between the two halves of the movie. One of these was Machete featuring Danny Trejo as the lead character. This trailer was an over-the-top laugh fest featuring gobs of violence produced mainly from (you guessed it!) a large machete.

Now you can enjoy it for real and Danny Trejo gets his first starring role in a film. Although not your typical pretty faced leading man he does have a commanding screen presence. You have no trouble at all believing that he is capable of anything you see him do on the big screen. The movie is very “Tarantinoesque” and if you like his other movies such as Inglourious Basterds, Grindhouse – Death Proof and Planet Terror, Kill Bill, From Dusk till Dawn, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs and so many more you will undoubtedly love this one. Yes, it is wacky, it is funny and it is most certainly violent. We are not asked to take the plot seriously but merely to sit back and enjoy the action.

It is a story of revenge wrapped around politics, the drug trade and illegal Mexican immigrants. There are surprising actors who turn up in this film like Jessica Alba, Robert De Niro, Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey, Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal, Don Johnson and others. You just never know who will turn up next or what fate they might have in store.

As I mentioned, this movie is full of humor and wise cracks. One of my favorite lines comes from Padre Benito del Toro (Cheech Marin) who sort of hears Machete’s confession and then tells him “I absolve you of all your sins. Now get the f**k out!”. Totally out of the blue but effective.

There are bound to be people who will abhore this film while others will readily eat it up just  like I did. If you have gotten this far into my review you should know what to expect. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Enjoy!

Rated  -  R  -

Fatwayne’s Rating  -    -

When I first became aware of this film I couldn’t believe that all of these action film heroes would be appearing together in an ensemble cast. Like everyone else who is a fan of this genre, I could hardly wait for the premiere. I was not disappointed!  Schwarzenegger and Willis had cameo roles which was somewhat of a letdown. I especially enjoy Bruce Willis in his action movies. I wasn’t let down too long however with the likes of Stallone, Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Steve Austin and perpetual bad guy Eric Roberts among others.

A special treat was the role of Tool as played by Mickey Rourke. He was a joy to watch from the moment he rode up on his Harley with a beautiful woman riding “bitch” and one of the most outrageous outfits you will ever see! He comes replete with a very long stemmed pipe and lots of wisdom to spread around.

All of our heroes had their own particular weapons of choice besides their obvious brawn and fighting skills. Terry Crews as Hale Caesar uses a shotgun that fires all sorts of munitions and the effect of this weapon is most devastating as evidenced by heads and half of a body disappearing after being shot. Several of our antagonist use knives of various lengths and, of course, there are the innumerable pistols, rifles and automatic weapons.

This is the story of a bunch of mercenaries who are for hire with not much thought given to who is doing the hiring as long as the money is paid and the mission is doable. Actually the story is just an excuse to see our stars doing their thing. The film is all about action and explosions and shootouts and fights (mano a mano).

Another thing that adds to the enjoyment of the movie is the humor that is sprinkled throughout. Most everyone gets a chance to launch a zinger or two. This ploy lends a little relief from all the action and gore. If you are a bike fan (I’m talking motorcycles here) you will enjoy the scenes where the guys are cruising around on their Harleys and various European and Asian makes.  It’s all great fun.

If you are interested is seeing a brainless, action flick where you do not have to exercise your mind than this just might be your thing. It certainly was mine!

Rated  -  R  -

Quotes from The Expendables
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Fatwayne’s Rating  -  -

If you remember the old Disney film, Fantasia, then you will no doubt recall Mickey Mouse as the Sorcerer’s Apprentice and his botched attempt to get all of those mops, brooms and buckets to do his bidding. There is a sequence is this movie that captures the essence of that endeavor with pretty much the same results for our novice apprentice, Dave Stutler (Jay Baruchel). Although unexpected it was none the less quite enjoyable.

This turns out to be a family friendly fantasy / adventure movie that will thrill the entire family. Way back when (740 AD) the great sorcerer, Merlin, has taken on several apprentices. Two of these Morgana le Fay (Alice Krige) and Maxim Horvath (Alfred Molina) turn their powers to the pursuit of evil thus betraying Merlin. A battle ensues between the evil and the good apprentices. The good is represented by Balthazar Blake (Nicolas Cage) and his love, Veronica (Monica Bellucci). When all is said and done, Balthazar has imprisoned Morgana and unfortunately Veronica along with Horvath in the Grimhold which is a prison sort of like a large bowling pin shaped doll. During the battle Merlin is mortally wounded and charges Balthazar with finding a Prime Merlinian who will become his successor.

The balance of the film recounts Balthazar’s thousand year search for the Prime Merlinian. It is in the present time in Manhattan that he meets young David. Balthazar realizes that Dave is the Prime Merlinian but Dave accidentally releases Horvath from on of the layers of the Grimhold. The two sorcerers begin to fight each other and wind up becoming imprisoned together in a large vase with a ten year lock.

Ten years later Dave has matured and is a physics student at NYU. Both Balthazar and Horvath are now out of their prison and searching for Dave and the Grimhold. One wants to keep the evil Morgana imprisoned and the other wants to release her and ultimately destroy humanity. The rest of the movie relates their encounters replete with magical spells, deceptions and, believe it or not, a doozie of a car chase!

The story is interesting and fast paced. The characters were well cast and convincing. Special effects were riveting and thrilling making the movie all the more enjoyable.

Quotes from The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

Fatwayne’s Rating  -    -

Evelyn Salt (Angelina Jolie) plays a CIA agent who is accused of being a KGB sleeper from a Cold War plan to place their people in the US for years just waiting for the perfect time to launch “Day X”.  The Russian spies would have ample time to grow into positions of power after having been planted in America as children.

The plot follows Salt in her efforts to clear her name and foil the plot that will ultimately destroy the United States. There are lots of surprises in store for the audience as Salt’s true identity and intentions unfold. I enjoyed the film but must admit that we are asked to suspend our dis-beliefs just once too often. If anyone could do the things that Salt did in the film, that person would have to be a super being and not merely human.

Ms. Jolie does a fine job of acting and is quite believable as an agent in her action scenes. She runs like an athlete, throws convincing punches and has one heck of a mean kick! The camera seems to love her also with many closeups that give us a chance to admire her beauty. She looks good with her long blond hair that is changed into long black hair that is finally cut into an rather mannish dark style. If you are a Jolie fan you will enjoy her latest outing.

This is an action thriller that delivers lots of action and lots of thrills. It has a good amount of violence but none of it is too graphic. All in all, a good time indeed.

Quotes from Salt
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Fatwayne’s Rating    -     -

Someone must have put a “hex” on poor Jonah judging from the story of his life! This poor man loses his wife and son in a horrible manner while he is forced to watch. He is branded with an iron on his face which he later makes worse by trying to remove the scar with a hot hatchet. He is shot numerous times and is frequently beaten nearly to death. He is also part of the world of the dead since he very nearly crossed over himself. This may not be considered to be a bad thing since he can bring the dead back to life and talk to them but I would just as well not wish to have this “gift.”

Jonah Hex is the story of a post Civil War antihero based on the DC Comics character. This western was filmed in and around the city of New Orleans although you might not be able to recognize it even if you are native to the city. Jonah’s troubles begin when he disobeys his Confederate commanding officer, Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich) who wants to destroy a hospital and all who are in it. In his effort to avert this tragedy he also kills Turnbull’s son. In retaliation, Turnbull seeks out Jonah and ties him to a cross and forces him to witness his wife and child’s death as he burns their house with them inside. Turnbull then brands Jonah’s face with his initials so that he will always remember him and how he took away everything he loved.

Jonah Hex, half crazy with sorrow and hatred, decides to remove the initials branded on his face. To do this he uses a red hot hatched and manages to make a bad situation much worse. He is on the verge of death when Indians find him and save his life. His near death experience leaves him with more than a hideous scar as he also can communicate with the dead by touching their corpses. Jonah has a presence in both the world of the living and the world of the dead. He uses this technique to get a lead on the whereabouts of Quentin Turnbull.

In the meantime Turnbull is planning to reverse the outcome of the war by stealing a weapon that has been dubbed the “nation killer”.  He plans to use this very destructive device to kill President Grant and a whole bunch of politicians at a Fourth of July celebration. It falls upon Jonah to stop him and thus save the country.

The film features all sorts of modern (for their time) weapons such as a gatling gun that mounts to Jonah’s horse,  dynamite shooting cross bow pistols and, of course, that nation killer. It is a well filmed movie with lovely scenery and a very fast pace. I found it to be somewhat short with a running time of only one hour and twenty minutes.

Despite the fact that the film is not doing too well at the box office and most critics panned it, I found it enjoyable to watch. I will tell you that the PG13 rating had to be at the very edge of that category’s limits due to an abundance of violence.

Rated  – PG13 -

Fatwayne’s Rating   -    -

This was a nice piece of fluff as far as an action/comedy film goes. One thing for sure, it is chock full of plot twists and surprises. We have a contract killer, Spencer Aimes (Ashton Kutcher) who is becoming bored with his work and meets the girl of his dreams, Jennifer Kornfeldt (Katherine Heigl) while on assignment in Nice, France. Jennifer is traveling with her parents played by Tom Selleck and Catherine O’Hara. She has just broken up with her boyfriend and is on this trip to try to forget about him.

She sees Spencer, who is shirtless and on his way to the beach, and falls hard for him. He likewise is attracted to Jennifer and the two agree to meet for a drink. Things go smoothly for them and after a night of drinking he decides to tell her that he is actually a killer for hire. Unfortunately, Jennifer passes out and does not hear Spencer’s confession.

Realizing that Jennifer is the girl of his dreams and this is his chance to lead a normal life, Spencer tells his boss Holbrook (Martin Mull) that he is quitting.  Holbrook reminds him that “you don’t just quit being a contract killer”.

The film takes us three years into the future and we find our young couple married and settled into their new and normal life. At this point things really start to pop! Holbrook gives Spencer an ultimatum to take on another assignment or else. All of a sudden people are coming out to the woodwork trying to kill Spencer. He learns that a $20 million dollar bounty has been placed on his head. The fun comes in when people you would never expect try to collect the bounty by killing Spencer. This is a neat idea and one that pays off in fun for the audience.

The plot twists continue until the very end and we are not disappointed with the film’s ending. There is lots of action and the characters are fun to watch. Not a bad movie at all.

Rated  -  PG 13 -

Fatwayne’s Rating   -    -

By now, everyone should know that “you don’t mess with Mother Nature”! And then there are those folks who just don’t give a darn. Clive Nicoli (Adrien Brody) and Elsa Kast (Sarah Polley) are two brilliant scientists who are working on gene splicing techniques in order to create a new species that will benefit mankind by enabling them to synthesize proteins in order to cure diseases and genetic disorders that afflict humans. A worthy goal but also illegal when Elsa introduces human DNA to the process.

Prior to this, the pair had developed a new creature that looked like a giant slug about the size of a medium dog. This mass of tissue they name Fred and he produces proteins that are beneficial in growing crops. They then decide to create a female version which they name Ginger. All goes well and the two seem to get along smashingly. The decision is made to go public with their creations and so they present them at a stockholders meeting of their funding corporation. All goes well until they lower a plexiglass barrier separating the two “slugs”. All at once they begin to attack one another with  large spike like blades that project from their chest area. Blood splatters everywhere including all over the unlucky stockholders as the two kill each other. It is later discovered that the female has mutated and became a male thus causing their “territorial” disagreement.

With their funding threatened, Clive and Elsa are pressed to make some discoveries that will benefit their corporate backers financially. They are having a difficult time of it until Elsa makes progress using a new genetic sample from a Jane Doe and now, all of a sudden, they are introducing human DNA into the equation to see if they can produce a viable hybrid.

The result is a very strange creature with a featureless torso and large chicken like legs that runs in circles bumping into things. It has a fantastically speedy metabolism and in no time at all it starts to resemble a humanoid child replete with a tail equipped with a stinger much like a sting ray has. As the thing develops, Elsa starts to become attached to it and learns that it is intelligent and so decides to raise it as a human child. She names it Dren (nerd spelled backwards). There is friction between Clive and Elsa as Clive believes they should destroy Dren lest they wind up in deep legal trouble. Elsa will hear none of this and continues to nurture Dren.

Dren is quite cute in her rapid development. But, alas, she starts to exhibit some disturbing tendencies like eating raw meat and attacking people with her lethal tail stinger. The story has several plot twists that emerge from this point forward. This is a cautionary tale that we can all learn from with a story that could be taken right off the front page of any newspaper. I am, of course, talking about DNA research, cloning, etc.

The creature effects are solid and Dren is definitely an oddity. The story moves along at a good pace with adequate character development. The ending is somewhat surprising but manages to be believable and satisfying at the same time. I liked this film and can recommend it to you.

Quotes from Splice
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Fatwayne’s Rating  -    -

 Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is a fantasy-adventure film adapted from a video game of the same name. I can tell you that it is breathtaking in its scope and beauty and offers the viewer relentless action and adventure. For the ladies there is Jake Gyllenhall (Dastan) to gawk at in all of his muscular splendor. But, in my humble opinion, the men come out on the winning end of this “gawk fest” thanks to British actress Gemma Arterton (Princess Tamina). You may remember her from Quantum of Solace (Strawberry Fields – you just gotta love those James Bond movie names!) and Clash of the Titans (lo). She is a singular natural beauty and the camera does not hesitate to offer us plenty of close ups. Take a peek at http://www.imdb.com/media/rm352092672/tt0473075.

One thing you have to notice is how Dastan is a 6th century Persian with all of the moves of Jackie Chan. There are definitely influences from Chan’s antics that are abundant in this film. Admittedly, it is enjoyable to watch all of these athletic and comic action sequences.

The movie has to do with a poor street urchin who captures the attention of the King Sharaman (Ronald Pickup). His bravery moved the King to adopt him and although he has no royal blood, he also has no aspirations to the throne. Fifteen years later, he and his royal foster brothers are leading the Persian army in an attack on the sacred city of Alamut. They are doing this because they were misled into believing that Alamut was selling weapons to their enemies. This misinformation came from the King’s brother, Nizam (Ben Kingsley) who has a plot of his own to gain the throne.

You see, the Princess of Alamut, Tamina, is the guardian of a mythical dagger that contains the sands of time and will allow its owner to go back in time and change history. This is exactly what Nizam wants to do so that he will be the King. He is not bothered that using the dagger for his purposes could very well doom mankind. Through a series of events, Dastan and Tamina become allies in their quest to return the dagger to it birthplace on a sacred mountain thus protecting it from the contrivances of mankind.

There are many adventures and close calls in store for our two heroes not to mention ostrich races and decidedly weird ninja-like assassins who sport amazingly sophisticated weaponry. Prince Dastan is up to the task and with the help of his friends and Princess Tamina, manages to save the Persian empire as well as mankind. What did you expect? This movie has a very happy ending just like I enjoy!

Quotes from Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
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Fatwayne’s Rating  -  -

If you like the SNL skits from which this movie came you will probably enjoy this offering. It, of course, stars Will Forte as the incorrigible and goofy operative who hates guns and uses his bare hands and common items that are lying around to overcome his enemies. This idea emanated from the 1980s TV show MacGyver which it spoofs.

It starts out with “Mac” meditating and leading a peaceful life ten years after his fiancee Casey (Maya Rudolph) was killed on their wedding day by his ex-friend but now arch enemy, Dieter Von Cunth (Val Kilmer). He is approached by his old friend and superior officer Col. Jim Faith (Powers Booth). Col. Faith realizes that there is only one man in the world who can save the country from nuclear devastation since Cunth has stolen a warhead and plans to obliterate Washington D.C.

MacGruber is at first hesitant to give up his peaceful ways even after Col. Faith reminds him that he is the only man who has achieved the distinction of becoming a Green Beret, Navy Seal and Army Ranger who has been awarded 16 purple hearts, 3 Congressional Medals of Honor and 7 Presidential Medals for bravery! It is not until he is asleep and dreams of that fateful day that Dieter Von Cunth murdered his wife at the altar that he is moved to defend his country once again.

Mac goes about assembling his old team al a Yul Brenner in the ”Magnificent Seven” and once he has them all on board, he is ready to go. Unfortunately for them, he leaves them in his van along with some homemade explosives that he has concocted. As he is talking to Col. Faith the van blows up killing his entire team. Now he is forced to search for new members in order to go after Dieter. He winds up with Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig) who was actually a member of his old team but had been reluctant to give up her singing career. He also recruits Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe) after his initial dislike for him.

Please don’t be led to believe that this is your typical action/adventure movie because it definitely is not. It has goofiness and comedy written all over it. MacGruber along with his mullet haircut goes from fearless to whining to pathetic to inept in virtually every scene. He will do anything to achieve his goal of eliminating the evil Dieter Von Cunth. The problem is that he is “MacGruber” and nothing seems to work out right for him. He never has a plan and that is probably just as well since it would probably just be a waste of his time.

Was it a good spoof? For the most part I would say ‘yes’ it is. It is not “blow you away” funny but it does have its moments. There is a scene where MacGruber decides to distract the gunmen who are shooting at him and Lt. Piper. He does indeed distract them by walking out completely nude with a stalk of celery sticking out of his butt! Oh, my!

Quotes from MacGruber

Fatwayne’s Rating   -    -