Athensrunner - A Birth Mother's Journey

So now you know.

2017-01-16T17:11:00.001+00:00

You now know about me and this blog...I hope that you take the time to read it one day. What is written on here is how I felt at the moment the post was written, sometimes when I wrote something I was an emotional wreck, other times extremely happy and sometimes I even wrote stuff after a glass or two of too much wine.

The blog was started because I wanted you to see the journey I am on when it comes to you...also, if it helps anyone in our situation that they knew they were not alone, others have similar experiences to me.

I cannot apologise enough to springing this on you, but you have the right to know about you history and to have access to any medical history you might need in the future.

The initial message to you was sent from my "other" FB profile, not because I wanted to hide anything from you...that profile was set up using the name on your birth certificate in case you were searching. You might not have know about my married name unless someone told you, so when I sent you the message, I used that profile, in case you already had that name. Unless you want me to keep that profile, I will use my normal profile in the future, if you allow me to have contact with you.

You are definitely not a secret in my life, those close to me knows what I know about you...those who are not that close know I have a (soon to be ) 26 year old son who lives in Greece.

Hopefully, you will be able to forgive me for bringing you on this emotional roller-coaster without forewarning...you will be angry with me at times, other times (I hope) we might be able to have good relationship, sometimes you might want nothing to do with me and others you might want me there with you...I will not go anywhere, I will stay away when you need me to and be there for you when you allow me to be.

Απλά ξέρω, εγώ θα αγαπάω πάντοτε

Not sure if I screwed it up :'(

2017-01-08T00:06:00.003+00:00

Ok, I have have two FB profiles and I sent this one from my "other" profile...my gut tells me that I screw the up...but at least this way I know where I stand.

Dearest Son

I’m so sorry to contact you this way, but after so many of years of knowing who you are and trying to abide by Greek law (that allows you to find me but not me to find you), I have decided to break Greek Law.

As you might know you was adopted at birth by you parents, your aps, they are your dad and mum…no matter what will happen next to us, that is the only truth you need to know. Sorry if I told you something you didn’t know this already. This would be so much easier if this was the other way around…I could just have sent you a message saying does the that date mean something to you? If you had, I would have responded with a resounding YES…that date means the world to me, because it is the day you came into the world.

It is very hard to write this message…. how you feel about everything might change after reading this, the only thing I ask of you is that you take a moment to read it, absorb this and then think about what you want to do next…I do not want you to make rash decisions; so, I just would like you to think about this…then when you are ready take it from there.

So here it goes, for years I have wanted to contact you…but have not had the courage to do so…I have always been afraid that your parents have not told you about me and that this will be the first time you hear about me. I have not wanted to be the person to tell you…but now you are nearly 26 years old, you have the right to know the truth and I am sorry if I am the one who is doing it, I am the one you share a unique bond with (we shared a heartbeat for nine months).

The only thing I would ask of you is that we can sit down one time and have a chat (I will be in Athens soon) …so I can answer any questions you might have…. after that…it is up to you…I would love to get to know you and hopefully build a friendship with you…but if you do not want this…I will fully understand. You can tell me to get lost, I lost that choice back even before you were born. It does not mean I do not want to have a relationship with you…it is just I am (unfairly) giving you the choice of deciding if you want to get to know me.

If I can, I would suggest that we become friends on FB as it where I sent you this message, then when you are ready you message me with your questions and I promise that I will answer 100% honestly…no matter how painful it will be for me…I will not instigate contact…we will take this at your pace…it that is what you want… I would like to have is a minimal access to your life…you do not have to speak to me ever…. but allow me to know what the major things that happens in your life….my life is an open book to you…I will always be here for you…if you need me.

The final thing is that if you want me to stay out of your life, I will it is your choice, just let me know

With all my love,

Your first mother

Dazed and Confused - my blog is full of mixed messages, sorry

2016-12-18T22:42:00.000+00:00

I just have just had a little read to some of my old post and have realised that should my son read it all, it must be so confusing for him...I send so many mixed messages.

So I would like to set the record straight....on here I often post what I feel in the moment...that means that I might be feeling a particular way that day...I am the one who is Dazed and Confused and I do not mean to send mixed messages to him.

So I just want to make it clear...it is two different wants in all adoptions...in my case, it is what I want for my son and what I want....and believe it when I say that my wants matters less than what I want for my son.

What I want for him is what really matters...so I want him to have the right to know he was adopted, the right to access to his biological medical history, the right to know his ancestry, the right to know that he was always wanted, I also want him to have to right to chose if he wants to know me or wants to hate me for my decision to place him for adoption.

What I want...is first and foremost to know that he is happy, health and know he was adopted.

Then is all the other stuff, of course I want to have a relationship with him, I want him in my life. So looking back on on my posts...sometimes is more about what I want for me not for him. So sorry son, just in case ever read this...just let me know that you happy and that you know...the rest will be up to you...I will always be here for you.

Birthday's are shite

2016-09-23T18:57:00.000+01:00

OK, I'm not posting for ages then two in a few days....this is what happens when you go home for your birthday.

I was suddenly remembering my 21st birthday...I was pregnant with you but I have realised that I was selfish, OK not 100% true...I had just come to a conclusion with the facts as I knew them.

I thought I was doing the right thing with placing you....on my 21st I thought I had my life planned out...I thought I was on the right path, I had decided based upon what I knew at the time that placing my son for adoption was the right thing to do.

Hell, I thought I was giving someone the "gift of life" what I didn't realise what impact I had on us both...my son might be happy with his adoptive parents, I thought hey were the best thing since a slice of bread. They still might be..I'm not judging them, because I think they were also acting in my son's best interest

Back then I thought I was acting in my son's best interest....but I have realised that what I did was based upon what was told me was right...so on my 21st I celebration a celebration of selfishness..not what was right.

Had I know what I know now then...I would not have celebrated...I would have mourned for the life I could have had...not celebrated the like I thought I would like...which is what I did.

Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing... it has a wonderful way of showing you life like you wanted it...not the reality of the pain and suffering you would feel for the rest of your life.

So, what can I do about it...I cannot stop anyone making my choices...I can only make sure that the next me understand that the choices we make comes with pain and suffering...and when you made a decision is it no going back...you have to live with your choice...I can teach others that their choices comes with consequences and unless you are fully informed, actually still when you are, the unicorns will never come...it wasn't a gift of live, it was only you making a decision upon the facts you knew.

So happy birthday to me, I know I screwed up...so now 25 years later should I celebrate my "brave" decision or see it like it truly was....me being stupid and selfish?

Sorry to tell you this but you are still drinking the Kool-Aid...

2016-09-19T20:06:00.000+01:00

I haven't really posted for a while...actually a long while...that is because I'm at peace where I emotionally are at when it comes to adoption.

I no longer focus on whether or not my son will allow me into his life....I know he is happy and content, and if he eventually wants me in his life I would welcome that...actually I would LOVE that....but I have learnt to live with the fact that he might not want to know me.

My energy is now more focused on two thing...where I can advocating for children's rights and two enjoying the art...I'm lucky I might one day be able to combine them both.

On FB in on a group about the adoption trauma and as per usual it was a bit of a heated debate about adoption.#

Reading through the posts, I did realise something...Kool Aid comes in a load for flavours...and they are all as bad as each other....preferring one flavour doesn't make you a know it all.

My response to this statement made my blood boil "Adoption is never necessary no matter the circumstance"

My response was as it follows:

I have spent most of my day thinking if there were any other option to using adoption as a last resort...maybe it because of the definition of the last resort is different between Europe and the USA (ratify the UNCRC please) we disagree.  I will give you a couple of  "my" extreme examples (they are loosely based upon real cases) and where I think adoption would be in the best interest for the child.  If you can give me other solutions I will be more than happy to champion your solutions to the relevant authorities.

Case 1) (UK) 3 year old girl having been sexually and mentally abused in the household with a history of abuse going back generations...despite social services and and local child welfare organisations trying to get the family counselling and keeping the child within the family unit.  It is not possible and long term she is at a high risk of being sexuality exploited by most family members and other older local men, despite intense counselling for the whole family  The girl is currently in foster care however, unless there are major changes within the family unit, she will always be at risk.  So all family routes has been exhausted, do you want to leave the child in foster care for the next 15 years?  Or allow an European style adoption where there are some (although limited) contact with the biological family?

Case 2) (Greece) 8 year old boy, with a drug depended mother...the mother had over the years had another 12 children, who has always been abandoned either to distant family member or to strangers.  Since the child was born they have been on the street (in may I say foreign country) and been used as a tool for begging....since the child was "discovered" by a local children's welfare charity the mother has been put through and offered drugs counselling and detox programs, she did two...including offers of settling her into her own property and having her child back when she was clean.  The child have been discovered to have sever mental disabilities due to the mother's drug use and will need medical care for the rest of his life.  In Greece, unless funding for a foster family is found he will be in an institution for the rest of his life...he would have a higher chance of being adopted (and his adoptive parents taking on the burden of his medical bills)...but I would welcome your solution to this situation.

Case 3) (Greece) This one is a hot topic now...lets say you have two Syrian twins aged about 5 years old...they survived the journey from Turkey to Levos in Greece however their parents and siblings died on the journey....a local NGO working with the UN discovers them in a camp and realise that they are alone...after some searching it is found that no biological family is alive...again what would be your solution, would you leave them in the camps to be abused or get them long term foster parents or place them for adoption

For me it is very simple, I made a mistake 25 years ago when I signed the papers relinquish my son....rather feeling sorry for myself...I rather spend my energy on advocating children's rights and to make sure that a young pregnant girl will know ALL the facts about her options, whether or not I agree with her...her choice will be her choice I can only teach her what I know.  The examples I gave you are circumstance I know has happened...and no these children has yet to be adopted...so my challenge to you all...find a better solution than adoption in these three cases, I dare you.

On a final note...I used to love the phrase drinking the cool aid...but I have realised that some of you actually have only changed the flavour..some of you have gone for saying adoption was great to it is now the most evil thing on the planet...if that is not changing the flavour I do not know.

PS block me report me or whatever...this gal is no longer drinking Kool Aid whichever flavour 

So it would be interesting to see who responds...I guess the person getting me started have drunk too much of the Cool Aid will not respond...if she does not it will be as gratifying as getting Jehovah's witnesses agree that they cannot be a pacifist.

Mother's days - you are kidding me

2016-05-08T21:52:00.001+01:00

So today is sort of the international Mother's Day, but heck what does it celebrate?

Actually yesterday, in the USA they had this silly thing called birth mother;s day...Gentle Care etc you are bull....t

For me, yesterday and today is the fourth time this year I have been reminded that I failed. You see, as a Norwegian my official Mother's day was 14th February, then because I live in the UK my Mother's day was the 8th March and as my son lives in Greece it is today...and not forgetting that horrible thing that the Americans have come up with which is Birthmothers's day,

Do you have to remind me how much I failed as to mother to my son? I do not want one day to be reminded that I failed my son, what I would love is one day that my son acknowledge that I'm his mother.

Then again, the person, this day wants me to celebrate being my mother, is a person who failed me totally, still I would like to thank her for being my mum and to my two other mums...I love you all....

25 year and counting

2016-01-19T10:00:00.000+00:00

Today it is 25 years....a quarter of a century since you were born....I have known who you are for 7 years...but I have taken the back seat...it is not that I do not want to have contact...I want that more than anything.

The problem for me, is that silly Greek law which prohibits me from contacting you...OK, I can technically get away with contacting you...as we are residences of two different countries...but I'm affiliated with Roots Research Centre and as they are doing such good work for all Greek adoptees...why should my selfishness ruin all their good work, so I'm sticking to the rules and following Greek law.

The odd thing, is someone asked me the other day if I regretted ever placing you for adoption...my answer was an outstanding YES and at the same time NO. You see I regret every minute of the time we might have had together, I regret not having you in my life and I do regret not being able to say to you everyday: "I love you, you are my be all and end all". At the same time, I do not regret placing you because, I think you have had a great life, you have had opportunities I would never been able to give you and I do not regret any moment of the life you have had...or what I have had...if I said I could go back and change everything....I would have wished away your life as it is and mine and so many others....and that would not be fair on anyone.

Still, if you ever read this...I wish I could give you the world today, but I cannot...I can only ever promise to be here with my love and to say I'm sorry I never gave you a choice.

I will always love you αγάπη ο γιος μου

Realisations...and loads of them

2015-09-25T20:05:00.001+01:00

Wow, just realised it is nearly a years since I last posted something...11 months plus minus a few days to be exact.

What a year it has been, work wise, I have been put down, belittled ad in general bullied by someone who favourite phrase is "you think you are better than me", to that person I say if you have to say that to me on a regular basis, the problem is not me but you...you transfer your insecurities onto someone else.

Why do I say that...because I have realised that my insecurities has been transferred to someone else...I'm guilty of projecting my insecurities to others, I had stopped seeing my faults and blaming them on someone else, I have realised my faults...and I accept them.

Still, what a year it has been...I have seen my son (yet again, in the flesh without contact), I have seen that he is happy and content...I have seen him with a girl friend (who without meeting I instantly liked). After seeing him so happy, I am thinking...what right to I have to disrupt his life,

This year, I have realised that what is most important to me is his happiness and well-being, what right do I have to ruin his life with telling him that he is my son...that I love him more than the universe itself. I do not have the right to do that to him, he has the right to know about me...I am not disputing that...I have just realised it has to be on his terms and his terms alone.

Do I regret my decision to place him for adoption, of course I do, everyday I wake up with a hole in my heart that can only be filled by my son, without him I'm missing a piece of me...but it still my wishes doesn't matter...it has to be his wishes that are to be honoured, if he wants to meet and turn around to say he hates me, so be it....if he wants a relationship with me....I will work for it, I have just realised that no matter how much Kool-Aid I'm still drinking...only my son's feelings are all that's matter to me, if he hates me, I can live with that, if he wants a relationship with me I defiantly can live with that...I can live with any choice he makes, because he will have been given the choice, as long as he has the option to know, that he has a choice is the only thing that matters to me.

So, what does this make me...a good mother, a Kool-Aid drinker... I don't really care...the only thing I do care about is my son's feelings..I made a choice, no matter how much I would love to go back to change it, I cannot, no more than I can change the accident that took my husband from me. I have been told that time heals all wounds...that is bull....you just learn to live with the pain.

I just know that my decision, did make me me...with all my faults and everything...and yes I do punish myself on a regular basis...I do not allow myself better...I see where I am in life as my punishment... so coming back to projecting my own insecurities to others but not my own...my personal downfall is that I am punishing myself...and so I allow someone who is so insecure about themselves to blame me if the sun shines the wrong way...for me that is part of my punishment...I allow someone to treat me like dirt, because that is what I think about myself...still it does not make me a lesser person.

In fact, I when speak to total strangers, I do not hide in the shadows...I'm a BIRTH MOTHER (only because that is the only term others understand, not because I like the term)...I am my son's mother, not his mum and sorry for using the birth mother as the word to describe myself,, and they admire me...one actually told me that my losses gave me a gift...the gift of patience and understanding...he right...giving my son up for adoption, opened Pandora's box, amongst all that chaos that is my life, I got one precious gift...the hope that tomorrow will be better...that is the only gift I can give to my son....the same hope...again, I just have to say that if I know he is happy...that is what I will be happy too...that more can I expect...I am luckier than other birth mothers...I KNOW who my son is, he is alive and that he smiles with his eyes...he is gorgeous (OK what mother is not going to say that),.

On a final note,adoption defines me, but I will not longer allow it to fuck up my life, I may no longer take my punishment...I don't deserve to be treated badly because I feel guilty about my decision, especially not by my "friends"

Giving up...

2014-10-25T22:31:00.002+01:00

I'm giving up...but still not sure if it is my dreams or hopes I'm giving up for good but I know one of them has given up the ghost.

Again, I'm at "home" in Athens...going to places my son might be or has been and hoping for this intense reaction to we have been in the same place...I must feel something.

Everytime I come to Athens I hoped we make a connection somehow...whether it was meeting him or be somewhere he had been....I expected to feel something....OK last year I did see him...and wow that was intense.

This year I have been to numerous places I know he has been...not at any stage did I feel that connection that I expected.

This year I have realised that if he knows about me...he is not ready yet....if he doesn't know he is in for a hell of a shock. Personally, I think he knows...but I have realised that he might not have any interest in meeting me or having any contact. Or it is not the right time in his life.

So, I give up....I no longer hope/dream that he will contact me...still whenever he is ready...which might be never...I still will be there for him, However, I have given up on me meeting or contacting him...if it is meant to happen it will be on his terms.

I have to resign myself to the fact that he might not EVER want to know me or meet me.

So, I'm keeping the door open for him...it is just that I will longer chase my dreams/hopes.

Why the "Not Knowing" hurts

2014-06-26T21:50:00.000+01:00

Today I had an awful "what if" moment...last year when I was in Greece and had my close encounter with my son, I froze up and I don't think I would have been able to have a coherent conversation with my son had the opportunity had arisen.

So today, I'm going on with my daily business and this awful thought strikes me...what if he thought I rejected him...what if my son knew who I was that day in Athens Mall and was waiting for me to approach him and start the conversation and when I didn't, he might have thought I rejected him.

This is where the "Not Knowing" is hurting us birth parents...I couldn't approach my son that day...because I don't know if he knows about me or even if he knows he is adopted.

Yes, I'm luckier than some birth parents...I know his name, I have seen him in person (without speaking to him), I even have some photos of him. Technically, I can contact him but I'm trying to stay within Greek Law...OK there are some plans afoot on that front...if nothing happens this year...I might take a more direct approach in the future.

Other birth parents...they don't have the luxury of the knowledge I have...imagine, not knowing your child's name, how they look like or even if their child is alive...yes, I was in that boat for many years and that was hell.

Still now, I am in hell...because I do not know what my son knows...so going back to that day in Athens Mall...had I know he knew he was adopted, I think I would have been able to go over to him and say hello, had he told me to fuck off...that would have been fine. I can live with that...what is killing me is that I inadvertently might have in his mind rejected him with not speaking up that day. Or, what if I had and he didn't know he was adopted...I would have shattered his life.

Despite my best intentions, because I do not know...I still might end up being the one that shatters his life, but he does have the right to know about his origins and that he is loved by me.

Meanwhile, I can only hope that he didn't know who I was that day and if he did, I can only say this to him:

My dearest son, if you think I rejected you that day, I didn't. I just don't know if you even know you are adopted....I didn't speak up rather than taking the risk of hurting you in anyway. It might have been the cowardly thing to do, I would never reject you nor would I ever do anything intentionally to hurt you. I love you too much.

Then the flip side, adoptees also is hurt by the not knowing...they might have found out that a birth parent has passed on and don't know if siblings or other family members have been told about them.

We are all hurt by the not knowing...it is unfortunately a big part of adoption. I for one, would prefer to know that my son knows about me but does not want any contact, rather than not knowing if he knows about being adopted or that he is welcome to reach out to me anytime he wishes.

"Inbetweener" generation of birthmothers

2014-05-25T18:09:00.001+01:00

Being online and reading the many adoption blogs and forums I follow, have made me realise that there are atleast 3 different generation of birth mothers.

You have the BSE - Baby Scoop Era it sort of ended in the mid to late 80s, but not fully. Then you have my generation, the "inbetweeners" from about mid 80's to the late 90's. Finally, you have the "modern" generation, the era of "open adoption". However, for the" modern" generation it is also a big difference between the UK and USA. In the USA, TV programs like 16 and Pregnant "celebrate" open adoption. In the UK, for the "modern" generation social services has been involved and the children have been removed from their family and an adoption order granted. So the adoption is more focused on adopting out of the foster care system and that the adoptee is fully aware of their circumstance growing up. Although, it seems from posts I see in some of the UK forums it that Local Authorities and Judge's issues adoption orders far to quickly...so in the UK it looks like a new BSE period is on the horizon...I will try to write more about this another time.

I cannot speak for the BSE or the "modern" generation of mothers, because I'm an "inbetweener", I'm between the two generations...I was affected by the stigma of the BSE generation but at the same time I was a test subject of some of the lies being told to the "modern" generation. Nor can I speak for mothers who lost their children through social service's actions.

We still felt the stigma of being a single mother...told we were unable to take care of ourself and our children, we were coerced (subtly or forcefully) into giving up our children...in essences told we were not good enough...OK, so we wasn't sent to a mother and baby home...we wasn't alienated from our friends or loved ones...still we were coerced, we were often told our lives would go on without it affecting us...that we would forget our child.

At the same time, we were told that our children would be told about us, grow up knowing that we loved them so much that we did the best we could for them and that was to place them for adoption...you know that "lovely" phrase of we gave the "Gift of Love" to our children and their adoptive parents.

Not sure about other "inbetweeners", but I was told that my son would always know about me, that he would be encourage to come and find me when he was older, if that was what he wanted. I spent years clinging to the hope that he had been told about how my circumstance at the time made me unable to raise him and that because I loved him too much...what a pile of crap. Yes, I did believe all the crap.

My generation of "inbetweener" mothers are more vocal about our adoption journeys and yes, some of us are angry...mainly we are hurt...like the previous generation we told that we will forget...so forgive us for speaking up and telling the world that adoption can suck...especially for those of us who "voluntary" sought adoption for our children...we were lead to believe that it was the best for our child and ourself...then we learn the ugly truth...we will never forget our child and adoption hurts our children and us...the pain will never go away. Can you understand why we feel hurt?

So what should we do? First we must forgive ourself...if we don't any potential reunion with our child will never be successful. We must share our stories, learn from each other and educate others on the long term effects of adoption. Most of all, we must respect that each of us have an unique adoption journey and support each other.

Birth Mother / Parents Support Group London

2014-04-20T17:54:00.000+01:00

Despite a number of Google searches I still cannot find a support group for birth parents in London...can you believe it...in a city as large as London...I cannot find a support group?

All I want is an opportunity to once every couple of weeks...maybe even just once or twice a year...to meet up with someone like me...someone who has a story I can relate to, who can understand some of my feelings..is that too much to ask for?

OK, I'm very lucky..I do have a fellow birth mother who I can actually hug or be hugged by...but the both of us felt like we were the only ones..yet our stories are so different and yet similar...still..there are so many more like us out there...why is there no agency giving us support...there are plenty for the aparents.

So in my wisdom, as little as I have of it...I would like to invite anyone how find this blog from searching for a birth parents support group in London, please contact me through this blog....let us just get together and have a coffee or something...lets share our experiences, you never know...you might help me understand my journey or I might help you understand yours.

Janteloven and adoption

2014-03-06T23:15:00.000+00:00

I have a very good friend...OK sometimes I do hate him because he is very good with pointing out my faults...still, we all need a friend like this...because if we don't have one of these friends we will not learn and grow from our mistakes.

However, a couple of weeks ago, I was watching a program called Scanimania, the host Hugh Fernely-Whittingstall reminded me about the bane of Scandinavia called Jante's Law. I had a bad week with my friend pointing out a number of my faults...I was at a low ebb...my friend, had pointed out that I do something very good then I go and ruin it with something stupid...I can do a complicated task and then I fuck up on something simple and obvious.

The I see the program and Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall mentions Janteloven (Law of Jante) and then it hit me...that stupid "law" has influenced all my life...I have been indoctrinated into believing that this is how life is supposed to be...then I have a light bulb moment...this is one of the reasons I placed my son for adoption.

Let me try to explain, the law is simple...You are never good enough, but let me put into my adoption perspective.

The ten laws of Jante are (in bold and my interpretation below)

1) You're not to think you are anything special

Why do you think you are able to go it alone, you are not good enough to be a single mother

2) You're not to think you are as good as we are

As a single parent, you will fail, a two parent family is always what is best for the child

3) You're not to think you are smarter than we are.

As a single parent without family support, you will not be a good parent

4) You're not to convince yourself are more better than we are

as above you will have failed because we said so

5) You're not to think you know more than we do

Hindsight is such a wonderful thing..had I known what I know today...I would never have done what I did then...still I know I cannot change anything so this statement is true. I still don't know more than you do...then again,

6) You're should not think you are more important than we are

As the Apap your feelings are more important than mine, I was just a carrier for OUR child, after birth I have no feelings for this child

7) You're not to think you are good at anything

after all I was were just an incubator for 9 months, I will never be a good parent as you will ever be

8) You're not to laugh at us

when you come out with statements like "God knits you together in your mother's womb then he wove you into our hearts you" and other sickening statement I am not supposed to snigger in disgust.

9) You're not to think that anyone cares about you

Our child will never have any feelings towards e...either good or bad...I'm a non entity in their life...I do not exist

10) You're not to think you can teach us anything.

No my experience does not help future will not help the next generation of adoptees, birth parents or adoptive parents...my experience will never help another in the adoption triad to avoid the potential pitfalls of the adoptees welfare

Now look into your own adoption story and tell me which part of Janteloven did not apply to you?

So I'm lucky, I have a friend who points out my fault and made me realise that Janteloven impacted on my decision to place my son for adoption. So OK I will forgive my friend to point out my faults..despite not seeing their own....then again...he has just learnt about Janteloven...He would have never survived had he been raised on these "principles"..so untill I can deprogram myself...I will do something good then do something stupid to fuck it all up.

My new tradition

2013-12-26T00:38:00.000+00:00

Christmas is always hard for us birth-mothers....for me...shopping for gifts is a nightmare...I am in a shop and I see something and I think "would my son love this" or is "this something he needs".

Spending time with family is also a bummer....you look around the table and and think "my son should be here, he should pull a crackers with his cousin", there is a topic around the table and you think.."what would his opinion be?"

This, year...I could not handle spending time with my family..I could not sitting around the table and missing a very important person...my child..my son..my heartbeat...this year I just wanted to reflect on what could have been.. Then it hit me...my Christmas table needs another setting...for now it will be empty but it still needs to be there...my son's setting at my Christmas table.

So from now, unless the table I sit down at for Christmas has a seat for my son (with him in person or spirit) I cannot in good concious not able to join the festivities...I will no longer put on my mask of happiness and pretend that I'm happy with missing a big part of my life. I much rather see that empty seat knowing that my family also miss my son...rather than sitting down pretending to be happy and miss something so important from my life.

For from now on...it will always be another setting at my Christmas table...until the day my son feels he can join my celebration...don't get me wrong, Christmas will still be celebrated...it is just that another setting will be at the table..my son will no longer be excluded from my Christmas Celebrations

Severance – The Culture and Narratives of Modern Adoption

2013-11-08T00:03:00.000+00:00

Today, I went to see this art exhibition in London...I wanted to go and see some really raw emotions though art...ok on that point I was disappointed...great exhibition but not as raw emotions on display as I expecting. I got to chat to one of the organisers from http://www/theopennest.co.uk..and to tell you the truth I have never thought off adoption from her perspective...she is a amum who adopted an older child out of the system and has fought to have an open adoption with her child's birth family..and is fairly successful in this...The Open Nest is an organisation who is supporting adoptees and allows adoptees connect with other adoptees...what I hadn't realised was that they are adoptees from the foster care system...since I normally see adoption from my birth mother's perceptive and from the infant adoption side of adoption...I had never really thought of the affect adoption has on young people removed from abusive homes and put into the system. If you are in London the exhibition is at the Severance at The Gallery, 25 Hanbury Street, off Brick Lane...11am to 7pm and worth a quick look see.

Since getting more involved in the adoption community I have always admired supported adoption out of the foster care system and often stand on my soapbox supporting adoption from the system...without realising that these adoptees are the most damaged and need the most support.

I keep saying to my "real" life friends that I would love to be able to counsel people in adoption related issues and then realising that I only know my side of the story...so I have promised myself that 2014 will be the year I fully embraced adoption and have been pointed in the direction of a few organisation that I will share when I have checked them out

Adoption in Greece - only the adoptee can search for biological family

2013-10-13T17:05:00.006+01:00

I'm now back from my trip to Greece and have to play the waiting game... Greek Law does not allow birth parents to search. No matter how much I want to contact my son directly...I must try to remain within the constraints of Greek Law...OK, not living in Greece I could use the excuse that I didn't know...but as far as I know ignorance is not a defence in any country.

You see my hands are tied by the fact that as most of the European countries, Greece all adoptions are closed adoptions. This means that my son is a full member of his adoptive family (Greek Law, Article 1561, Legal Law 2447/96). He is allowed to learn from his adoptive parents about the adoption but any information about me could only be given to him after he turned 18 years old.

My son's rights under Greek Law Article 1559, Legal Law 2471/96, is that he has, after his coming of age, the right to be completely informed by his adoptive parents and from every qualified authority about the records of his biological parents. It ONLY gives the adoptee the right to search, I as a birth mother cannot search (technically) nor can I contact with my son directly.

In my case, there are a little glimmer of hope..my son might know how I am and sitting on the fence as to whether or not to contact me. Hence the picture beneath, it is my cover photo on FB and just simply states that Greek Law does not allow me to contact him...but that I want him to know how I am if he wants any medical information and answers to any questions he might have.

Still, I' very lucky...I know how he is...I been close enough to him to hug him...I have seen how beautiful (sorry handsome) he is...it gives me some peace...of course, until I one day can give him that hug and tell him how beautiful/handsome he is I will never get total peace. If he does not want to have any relationship with me I can live with that...as long as he knows that I did do whatever I could to contact him.

Meanwhile, if I can encourage any Greek adoptee or adoptees of Greek origin to contact http://www.roots-research-center.gr to assist them in their search. (Or indeed if any of you would like to donate to a worthwhile cause please do so).

Wow...so close yet so far.

2013-09-27T16:08:00.005+01:00

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile..but a lot of stuff have been going on in my life what is not adopted related and to keep my sanity...I have sort of stayed away from adopted related stuff.

As some of you know my son was placed for adoption in Greece and since 2009 I have sort of a biannually taken a trip to Greece...oddly I picked up a book for my trip down here where there was a sort of a Oscar Wilde quotation (supposedly): "The heart always return to wherever it hurts the most" which is very true for me.

My trips to Greece are more to be in the same place as my son is rather than orchestrating a reunion...there are plans in place for this and it is taking a long time...then again, I have decided that any reunion should happen on his terms not how I want it to happen.

So here I am, off to this big shopping centre in Athens to have lunch. OK, I did have an ulterior motive, I knew where my son would most likely be in the evening and wanted to go there...hoping to catch a glimpse of him...just to see him in the flesh would have been great.

Then there I am in the shopping centre and who should suddenly appear before me on the escalator, but my own flesh and blood. So bad me...I followed him to a coffee shop, where he looked straight at me. I didn't speak to him at all, just started to shake like a leaf ordered my coffee in extreme bad Greek and went to he outside terrace where low and behold he is sitting about 10 meters from me. I sat down and had my drink stealing a few glances at him...just hope I was not staring at him, but I did see that he was looking my direction too...most likely feeling stared at. When I calmed down, I went about my business and just thought how lucky I was to have seen he in person. Then about 30 minutes later I go up an escalator as he goes down, he just looks at me and carries on with his friend...I dare not look back at him and just get out shopping centre as fast as I can.

Maybe I should have said something, but what can you say? "Hello I'm your mother", when he was there with his friend? Hopefully, it was a spark of recognition on his part rather than him wondering why is this woman staring at me.

If anything, I can take with me from this trip is that my son is a beautiful creature with the most amazing eyes I will ever see...and one day I dare to hope they will look at me and know how I am, rather than some crazy woman who stared at him in a shopping centre in Athens.

I'm wondering who many out there like me?

2013-02-15T00:59:00.001+00:00

OK, I have been a bit quite on the blogging front... it is just that I have not had too much to say, then I read this post over at my favorite blog Musing of the Lame. Yes, the post fully resonate with me..still it made me wonder...how many of my fellow birth mothers, found themselves in a foreign country when they made THAT fateful decision?

If there are any other birth mothers out there who placed their child in a country they felt at home in but not their home country....for me the old adage of "Home is where your heart is at" impacted on my decision to place my son for adoption. Had I not felt at home in Greece, I would not have placed my son there....for me it was a bit like: "I love Greece and I want to leave something of me in Greece". Yes, now I know that is not a valid reason....still as a 21 year old scared girl it was the right thing to do...selfish yes...still something which felt right at the time.

Reading other blogs and other birth mothers narratives, I recognize their feelings...they mirror my own...still... it is always that one thing that is missing.. their child was placed in their home country...not in a foreign country.

So my question is ~~simple~~ hard....how do you deal with having to deal with your emotions and to top it all, wondering how to prepare for your search and potential reunion taking into account that you might not speak your child's native language, comprehend their culture and at the same time acting within their home country's laws.

Would you like me, try to learn their language, do whatever you can do within the laws of your child's country to facilitate a reunion or do you go full steam ahead..(I have contact details for my son) and just drop the bombshell that you want a reunion?

For me it is simple, my son's feelings and welfare is more important that mine, even it it means that I'm currently in a emotional limbo...I will just have to wait to the time is right...no matter how much I want it to happen right NOW.

A place of rememberance

2012-12-31T18:34:00.002+00:00

Last year, whilst spending my time with the family, I wrote about culture clash and grief and the fact that I was being taken to this beach where my new friend and I could remember our husbands.

Sadly, I have not had the chance to go back there before now but was lucky enough to be able to take Baba and Little Brother with me. Baba loved the place, it a perfect place for us to remember Radouane when we are not able to go to Algeria, especially as Radouane loved the beach.

Initially, the family could not understand my need for having a symbolic place to remember him, especially as I am unable to visit his grave. I think that Little Brother managed to explain why it was important to me

So it is very fitting that I found a beach to be our place of remembrance for him. At the same time it is an irony...you see Radouane was on his way back from the beach when he died. As he loved the beach and as Baba said, he would have loved it here, I think I found the perfect spot for our two cultures to come together and remember him. Hopefully, sometime during the spring the whole family will be able to go together...at least all of the UK family.

Dear Fellow Birthmother

2012-12-09T20:08:00.002+00:00

Dear Fellow Birthmother

I hope that you one day get to read this... I consider your daughter a friend and even if I have only got her side of the story of your reunion, I so wish I could speak to you... since that is not likely to happen, I thought I write your this letter on here.

You see, I’m doing the same as you did... I’m leaving the breadcrumbs for my son to find so when he is ready, he can find me. I’m going into this knowing that if one day we meet, we might not like each other. The person I hopefully will get to know is an adult not a newborn baby, which is something I suspect you hoped for... so having an adult sitting in front of you must have been a massive shock. However, that does not mean that I am allowed slam the door in his face...I lost that right when I signed the papers for his adoption. Nor am I allowed to deny him the chance to get to know any of his biological family if that is his wishes...even if I have no interest in having any contact with them.

What I cannot understand how you and your current partner (her birth father) are behaving towards your daughter.

Why would the two of you leave the bread crumbs for her to follow if you didn’t want contact with her, why arrange to meet her, start a relationship with her and then slamming the door in her face... without so much of a simple “Sorry, we cannot handle this, so it is best that we have no further contact”... OK, so I don’t know what happened with your reunion... if there were anything said that hurt your feeling...no matter how unintentionally it was said?

Most importantly, why is everything damaging your reunion being said and done by your partner? Your partner seem to have “taken” charge of the reunion and threatening your daughter with legal action, just because she wants answers and the opportunity to meet her biological family is what I cannot understand.

From what your daughter have told me... he is the reason you placed her for adoption in the first place... was getting him back into your life more important to you than making a potential connection to your daughter?

I can understand if you are backing out of the reunion because you suddenly felt a rush of unresolved emotions and that you though you needed some time to process these feeling. You should read the wonderful post by our fellow birthmother over at Musing of the Lame...she might have described how you feel more than I could ever. I can only imagine you suddenly found yourself back in the place you where at the time of the adoption...you must have been scared and possible feeling alone in the world...so to find yourself “back” in that place must be scary... I know that I might feel like that, if I get to meet my son.

Yes, I placed my son for adoption because at the time I thought it was the best thing for him, I did it out of love for him...I’m sure you did the same for your daughter. My son is a part of me, so no one is allowed into my life without accepting that he is a part of me...so I cannot understand how you can allow your partner to speak for you? Do you not have your own voice? Don’t you think your daughter deserves to know why she was placed for adoption.

In my eyes, the only one who can close the door in a reunion is the adoptee...as long as I left the breadcrumbs for my child to find...yes, there might be things about my son I don’t like or even agree with...I have opened the door for a reunion and therefore I cannot close it.

Fair enough, this is only my personal opinion...my personal journey has let me to this conclusion... I’m not saying I’m right, I don’t even know what would happen if I get to meet my son.

I just hope that one day; you will be able to resolve your issues and start again with your daughter, because from what I know, she is a wonderful person who has so much love for you and does not blame you for placing her for adoption.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Your fellow birth mother

Forget-me-not

2012-11-10T18:55:00.000+00:00

On the forum I am on we have been discussion how great it would be to have a symbol for adoption, I know there are some other symbols out there. The discussion was to find a symbol which could represent Adoption Awareness and be discrete with a lot of mean. After all, not everyone involved in adoption are as open as my fellow bloggers/posters and myself.

So one of the posters suggested the Forget-me-not flower as symbol of our involvement in adoption, whether we are a birth parent, adoptee or even an adoptive parent. Something along the lines of a little a lapel pin and we all loved the idea.

The flower after all stands for true love, remembrance and memories... what better way to say that our love for our child (birth family) will always be locked in our heart, that we will always remember our children (birth family) and they are never far from our thoughts.

I found this lovely photo of forget-me-not and think that this would be a lovely symbol for adoption.

Are I doing the right thing?

2012-10-20T00:22:00.002+01:00

For the past couple of year my yearning for making contact with my son have mellowed from being something I wanted to do for myself to being something I want to do for him and others.

When my son turned 18, I thought that me making contact with him would be the best for... guess who... me... at the time, I had not considered his feelings at all.

Now three years later and having learnt so much about adoption... it is no longer about me... it is about what is best for him... he will need to be told..and sooner later than later would be better for him, from his psychological well being I hope... I do not want him to find out by mistake one day that his life have been a lie.

For the past three years I have learnt so much about adoption... and boy have I learnt a lot... firstly, and mainly, he might not want to know me.. that is fine... as long as he knows he is adopted... OK, that might sound a bit unfair... but I do have to consider that one day he might need my kidney or something... and he needs to know about me for that.

Secondly, I have learnt that even if I'm lucky enough to one day meet him... we might not like each other... and I have to remember that I'm not his mum, I'm his mother... it is two totally different things... I have mentioned this on here before... we will be two total strangers who might be lucky enough to become friends.

The final thing I have learnt is that is I'm not alone... there are others out there like me...and here is where are I doing the right thing comes in to it. I'm in the position of being able to contact my son directly... it most likely would not work the way I want love it to happen... but I recently found out that if I have the patience of waiting to let bureaucracy run it course, I might be able to help other birth mothers contact their children... so what is my happiness and my wishes weighted up against what is best for my son or other mothers.

So is it right? Should I let bureaucracy run it's course?

Not a lot to say...or too busy?

2012-09-14T22:22:00.000+01:00

I haven't posted anything in a while... it is not because adoption is no longer on my mind...it it simply that my "normal" life have had so much going on. I have learnt a brand new trade...I have been involved in relaunching a business from scratch and which hopefully, one day will be "mine"... but only in that I will be running it one day... at least the new business is something I love and have always wanted to do.

That means that adoption has taken a bit of a back seat for now... although, another reason I have not posted for awhile is that I see and read some of what my adopted related friends are/have been going though and to be honest it is freaking me out a tiny bit...so to have something to take my "mind" of adoption has been very good.

I'm hoping that as soon as we have settled into a routine with the new business... I can tackle my new goal... I want to train as an adoption counsellor, it that means that I need to go back to school... so be it... actually, it is something I always wanted to do... when I was younger I wanted to train as a child psycolgist but never did anything about it... so maybe my life finally will start going in the direction I once dreamt off.

I could not say it better

2012-07-15T20:50:00.002+01:00

I found this quote the other day and just wanted to share it

A Million Tears I Cried

2012-06-29T19:34:00.001+01:00

A fellow blogger over at Living in the Shadows shared a beautiful poem today aptly called Beautiful and it made me search other adoption related poems, I found this poem and wanted to share it you all

A million tears I cried,
A thousand deaths I've died.
My baby & I were torn apart,
Now there's emptiness in my heart.

It's best for all they say -
You'll get over it some day.
Your baby will have a mom & a dad,
still - why do I feel so bad?

You & I worked so hard to be born
And at last you greet the early morn.
All I get is that one glance.
Oh baby, if only we had a chance.

The hospital is an empty place
When I can no longer see your face.
A memory to carry me through the years
Thoughts of you to release the tears.

A million tears I've cried
A thousand deaths I've died.
Some other mother will be foremost in your heart.
I'll have to go on somehow, Get a fresh start.

But to every child your age I look to see
if there might be some inherited part of me.
And every time a child is lost or dies,
I hope that he's not mine, my heart & soul cries

I hope your parents will love you as much as I do
And that your troubles in life will be few.
And every year on that special day
my heart celebrates in it's own way.

For you are alive & growing
And I take comfort in knowing
that perhaps some day my heart will be free
when your loving face again I see.

By Monica Bunton