Atlanta Counseling and Therapy Services

Meaningful Meantime

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 04:10:00 +0000

The phrase "meantime" is simply defined as the interval between one occurrence and another. As simple as this is, I think this one word has vital significance to the goal of experiencing a deeply satisfying life. Whether the interval between any two events is very large ("between birth and death") or very small ("between breakfast and lunch"), you are at this moment living somewhere within the span bridged by those two points in time.

The bottom line is that most of our days on earth are spent living "in the meantime." Any goal you hold dear is by definition a destination you haven't yet reached. "In the meantime" (where you are right now) is a lot of space to fill. If you remember (as I have previously written) that "there are no ordinary moments", this interval will be teeming with insights and wonder.

Now that's a meaningful meantime!

Problems And Solutions

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 02:18:00 +0000

We all have lots of problems.....or so we think. I recently heard a simple but powerful statement that merits a lot of reflection:

You don't have many real problems; what you mainly have are solutions you don't like.

The most basic definition of a problem is a struggle or conflict with no readily achievable solution. But more often than we care to admit, it isn't that the answer is outside of our grasp; it's that we just don't want to face it.

It's human nature to seek out solutions to our problems that are congruent with our desires. Whatever issue we are facing, we generally want to resolve it in such a way that we get what we want and not what we fear. Unfortunately, rather than rigorously questioning the underlying basis of our primal wants and fears, it's seductive to act like the real "problem" is wholly outside of ourselves.

The answer to any particular struggle may be unique, but it's generally an inner destination. Many solutions are simple but far from easy: Face the fear. Let go of the outcome. Stop trying to control the situation. Forgive. Look inward. Go into the unknown. Accept the situation for what it is. Relinquish the idea that what you think should happen should happen. Widen your perspective and you may find the solution reveals more about you than you ever imagined. There are many sources to help you on your journey, including counseling, but it helps to remember that a locked door isn't as much of a problem if you know that you hold the key.

Smart vs. Wise

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:29:00 +0000

This is another in my ever-increasing list of "therapeutic distinctions", pairs of words that at first glace may seem similar but which upon closer investigation reveal important differences that can be useful in the process of achieving personal change, growth, development and healing. This one is a very brief comparison of intelligence and wisdom.

To be "smart" is a great gift. Knowledge can go a long way in improving a person and the world at large. But "wisdom" is much more than the mere ability to retain and synthesize great quantities of information. It involves having self-awareness that only comes from mindful engagement with the struggles of life. Knowledge is derived by collecting information while wisdom is a result of collecting experience. Both require much study, but with a different focus.

It's been said that knowledge is aware of what it knows while wisdom is aware of what it doesn't know. Intelligence resides mainly in the head while wisdom is more at home in the heart. To be smart is to know a lot about what something does. To be wise is to know a lot about what a thing means.

Knowledge is something to seek while wisdom is something to receive. A person can climb the mountain of achievement to gain knowledge but wisdom just as often emerges from the cavernous depths of failure. The pain that is often required to learn something important is not the same as the suffering that is often necessary to give space for wisdom to emerge.

Many people with a lot of intelligence aren't very wise, and some of the wisest people you'll ever meet aren't especially intelligent. The ability to seek and perceive true wisdom in others around you if an effective pathway to finding that within yourself.

Heal vs. Fix

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 03:08:00 +0000

This is another in a long line of posts I've published about what I call "therapeutic distinctions", pairs of related concepts that are often used interchangeably but which reveal vitally important differences when examined more carefully.

Such is the case with "heal" versus "fix".

This distinction revealed itself in a session I had with a man earlier this week in which he was talking about his marital difficulties (many of his own making). We discussed his tendency in life to identify a problem, fix it and then move on. While this is an admirable trait, it is a style that many men use too often in their personal relationships, generally with poor results that baffle and frustrate them.

It's no news that many men aren't very comfortable talking about feelings. As the old joke goes, the five words a man most dreads to hear are "Honey, we need to talk." Men tend to see a woman's feelings as problems to be fixed rather than as opportunities for intimate connection. We're more comfortable offering solutions, often without being asked, than we are simply listening with active, sustained attention.

A man may realize that the "fix-it" mentality doesn't work very well but still not know any other way to relate to the spouse he truly loves but often doesn't understand. I may spend hours teaching and modeling more effective communication styles, so I'm not going to highlight them here. My main focus of this post is to simply point out that sometimes there is not so much a problem to be fixed as a wound to be healed.

Objects get fixed. Cars, dishwashers, vacuum cleaners and the like all will need "fixing" at some point (or simply thrown away in our disposable culture -- in many poorer nations cars are seldom junked until they've been ingeniously repaired countless times to keep them running for many hundreds of thousands of miles).

But wounds don't get fixed. They can only heal. And the skills for healing are often very different than those for fixing. Healing is often much slower than fixing. Healing requires less know-how and more want-to than fixing. Healing is often more a matter for the spirit than the flesh. It is the realm of the human being rather than the human doing.

The poet D.H. Lawrence wrote,

I am not a mechanism, an assembly of parts; And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly that I am ill. I am ill because of wounds to the soul – to the deep emotional self......

A shattered trust, a lost innocence, a broken heart are all deep wounds to be healed. Attempts to treat them as mere problems to be fixed will rarely do them justice.

Two Types Of Power

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 13:51:00 +0000

Many years ago I read a little book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How To Recognize It And How To Respond", by Patricia Evans. I still recommend this book (despite its unfortunate tendency toward anti-male bias) for its admirable job of highlighting the many types of verbal abuse. These include many subtle forms that may slip by unnoticed, such as discounting ("Oh, that's nothing"), blocking ("I don't want to talk about it"), diverting ("That's not the real issue, this is"),and trivializing ("Whatever"), all of which reinforce an unbalanced power dynamic.

It all comes down to the basic idea that there are essentially two forms of power. The first is "Power Over", which boils down to one side exerting dominance over another. While this form of power easily becomes an oppressive control tactic, it does have a proper function in situations in which discipline is a more appropriate motivator than relationship (military hierarchies are a prime example).

What is generally more appropriate in intimate relationships is "Personal Power". This is a more autonomous form of power that places a value on inner strength, self-control, boundaries, the absence of shaming dynamics, respect, and the acceptance of feedback from others. While "Power Over" doesn't require much ego strength (and in fact often feeds on its absence), Personal Power is a sign of a mature personality construction. Some people come by it naturally but the rest of us have to work hard to develop and maintain our appropriate relationship to power.

Many people grew up in situations where their parents or other adult influences wielded power inappropriately. Much of society is based on inequitable power differentials. No wonder so many relationships fall prey to inappropriate management of power. In relationships it's one of the reasons contributing to what I call "underground" forms of power such as affairs and addictions.

One important aspect of relationship counseling, even if its not the initial reason a couple presents for consultation, is discussion about the ways power is expressed and the barriers to the effective management of power that is important to all relationships.

You're Not "Fine"

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 02:01:00 +0000

Sometimes when I ask clients how they're feeling I'll get this answer: "Fine". I usually try to point out that this doesn't tell me much. Even a relatively short list of feeling words like this one includes over 400 choices, and "fine" isn't included.

Describing and evaluating are different tasks. If I tell you that I just painted my office a color that I really like, this doesn't give you enough information to match it at the paint store -- you only know my evaluation of it. But if I specifically tell you the color (Benjamin Moore Historic Series Prescott Green, by the way) this detailed description gives you a much clearer ability to know my preference.

So expand your emotional color palette to be as descriptive as you can about your inner emotional experience. Otherwise, if you say "fine" you may run into someone who will point out that this can stand for:

F - Fearful
I - Insecure
N - Neurotic
E - Emotional

And you can do better than that!

By the way, for a vivid example of the richness of emotional language, click to visit "We Feel Fine", a stunning website that catalogs every use of the phrase "I feel" appearing on the Internet at any point in time,

And?

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 23:26:00 +0000

As a therapist I am constantly helping clients draw out important lines of thought and association. I've learned over the years to not stop too soon when asking about a particular question, even one as simple as "how has it been going since we last met?" Like an archeological dig or drilling for oil, deeper explorations can yield valuable results. Two simple inquiries help me in this process. One is simply to ask "What else?". The other is the shortest question a person can ask: "And?"

"What else?" is a great question for helping a client to explore and realize the greater implications of personal growth. For example, if I ask "what has been going on lately that is positive or healthy?", my client may give one example, but if I keep asking "what else?' both the client and I can be surprised at what is revealed. As I've previously written, we get more of what we notice, and focusing on the full depth of positive developments that are taking place in a client's life can be highly reinforcing and generalizable.

"And?" is probably the most elegant question possible. When asked gently it can serve as a soft probe into the further reaches of a person's emotional or cognitive depths. It inherently presumes a richer experience than otherwise may be initially revealed. It conveys interest and encouragement. It can also be surprising how many times a person can continue to provide responses to this one word when it is asked over and over.

With some clients I use this one-word question as the first thing out of my mouth once we settle into our seats. It often is the first step toward the ultimate goal of a conversation unlike any other.

Lean In The Opposite Direction

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 04:03:00 +0000

In my counseling practice I've seen all degrees of personalities, from the most rigid to the most disorganized, the serious to the silly, the extremely anxious and the extremely overconfident. I don't think anybody is capable of being "balanced" along every trait. I've come to recognize that a lot of benefit can be derived when people practice engaging the opposite quality from their natural tendencies.

For instance, I may encourage a very serious person to find his or her more "fun" side, while guiding the lighthearted person to gain the ability to engage in a more solemn attitude. For someone who is a "neat freak", a little more tolerance for disarray can be a good thing, while a sloppy person who develops a greater sense of order can live a more manageable life. A person who likes to stay alone will have an expanded set of choices in life by interacting with others while someone who can't seem to relax into solitude will experience the value of greater introspection with the conscious practice of spending time without the presence of other people.

The goal of this approach is not to eliminate one tendency of behavior or personality but to develop the other side of the spectrum order to be a more well-rounded individual. Of course, sometimes this "balance of opposites" is not an option. A person who drinks alcoholically isn't going to benefit to a sufficient degree by being sober some of the time. Some behaviors have to stop in order to improve the quality of life. But many times even an incremental development of a new set of corresponding behaviors can go a long way.

So if you have some insight into the tendencies of your personal preferences, experiment with the opposite side of the spectrum. This advice is somewhat the same as my previous advice to "do something different", which is often helpful in itself to get out of a rut. "Leaning into the opposite" is a more specific way to grow into a more well-rounded individual. It will inevitably lead to more choices and options when facing different situations, which is a marvelous pathway to healthy freedom and personal power.

How Do You Paint A Flower?

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 00:26:00 +0000

So many problems between people stem from an insistence that everyone should see things the same way. Terrible destruction occurs in the world every day over differences in religious convictions, political ideologies, national identities, cultural viewpoints.....the list goes on and on. And on the level of intimate relationships between two people, it is so very common for one person to expect and even demand that his or her partner share an identical view on an issue that seems trivial to an outsider.

People who appreciate art know that the same image can be viewed in many ways. Van Gogh, Rembrandt or Picasso will depict the same flower very differently! Is any one of them "wrong"? Of course not. Each artist reveals some essential aspect of that flower's beauty.

In a sense we are all artists coloring the world according to our unique vision. So many couples in my counseling practice struggle with the challenge of reconciling their diverse approaches to life and relationships. While excessive disagreement is certainly a major problem with some couples, too much agreement can dull a relationship's spirit. Sex becomes limited to whatever behaviors don't challenge the most cautious person. New cuisines are never sampled. No one ever risks rocking the boat.

An art gallery that only displays works that appeal to everyone is not nearly as vibrant as those that challenge the viewer to expand his or her conception of what true art can reveal about the human experience. A dynamic balance between the two extremes is often the best course for all involved. The famous marriage therapist Virginia Satir held that couples connect on the basis of being similar but grow on the basis of being different.

I'm certainly not saying that all perspectives have equal validity. One person abusing another can't justify this type of behavior any more than someone defacing a work of art can claim a moral authority to do so. And the fact remains that divergent extremes of position have their own consequences, as is true for some artists who don't attract much of a following. But outside of these extremes there is a lot of room for diverse opinions if only we will respect them.

As Jackson Pollock said, "Every good painter paints what he is."

Airplane Metaphors

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 11:58:00 +0000

From time to time I share some of the many therapeutic metaphors I use in my counseling work with individuals and couples. I find that analogies are often useful ways to highlight important points in a memorable, illuminating and lasting manner. I was recently reflecting on four metaphors involving airplanes that I find myself using from time to time.

The first "airplane metaphor" highlights the importance of engaging in positive behaviors sufficiently enough to account for shifting circumstances that may otherwise prove too much to handle. Although I've often written about the value of small or incremental change, the fact remains that sometimes people don't alter their behavior enough to guard against "crashing and burning" under dire conditions.

A classic example of this principle is a person with an alcohol problem who continues to associate with former drinking buddies. While successful sobriety is possible for a period of time under such circumstances, the risk of an eventual relapse is unnecessarily high. Another example that is common to many people is to fail to save sufficient money to handle the typical kinds of unexpected expenditures that befall everybody, such as large car repairs or purchases, job loss, sudden illness and other financial hardships. I think of these situations as being similar to a plane flying a mere 50 feet above the ground: a slight change in the terrain or a sudden downdraft can result in devastating consequences.

A second and related "airplane metaphor" involves the importance of gaining sufficient momentum to bring about the sustained process of positive change. For example, I recently worked with a client who began medication for depression but who only took one-half of the recommended dose. Not surprisingly this approach wasn't very effective, which only reinforced her sense of futility. I emphasized the importance of taking the full dosage long enough to give the medication a fair chance of working. I used the example that although a plane may roll down a runway at 40 miles an hour it will never fly at that speed.

A third "airplane metaphor" involves the importance of 'flying solo' with a new behavior. As I've previously written, a pilot-in-training needs a minimum amount of "stick time" before being considered competent enough to fly without an instructor on board. Simulating an emergency situation is a useful way to safely evaluate the student pilot's ability to handle the "real deal" when it comes along. In a similar manner I sometimes encourage clients who have made great gains to consciously create and resolve a high-risk situation while we are still working together in order to gain a sense of independent competence that can prove to be very helpful in the future.

The fourth metaphor involving airplanes is a tragic condition known as the "graveyard spiral", in which an increasingly disoriented pilot gradually allows the plane to enter into an ever-tightening spiral while under the mistaken impression that it is still flying straight and level. By the time the pilot realizes the mistake it is too late, and the plane crashes. This underscores the reality that sometimes we think we are on the proper course when in fact we are heading toward destruction. For this reason we all need to have reliable and accurate feedback about our true heading and not make matters worse through our own well-intended but misguided actions.

Finally, there are times when a therapy session is rollicking along but the time is running out. I don't want to end the meeting too abruptly so I will let the client know of our dilemma and suggest we both look for "a plane to land the plane". We generally are then able to wrap things up quickly but smoothly.

Through the use of metaphors such as these, clients are often able to apply deep truths to their lives in a way that wouldn't happen by direct instruction. This is why I consider metaphoric language to be so very useful in helping people to lead happier, healthier lives.

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Go Slower To Get There Faster

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 03:18:00 +0000

The phrase "go slower to get there faster" is an important component of personal growth.

We all generally want to achieve our goals quickly, right? Magazine covers are filled with tips for "losing weight fast", and the desire to "get rich quick" is compelling. Yet it's common knowledge that weight quickly lost can be easily regained, and the idea that "fast money" can be earned with little investment is a major reason the housing market tumbled and investment earnings evaporated almost overnight.

I like to see people make speedy gains in my counseling and psychotherapy practice. Sometimes just a few meetings are all that is needed to turn around a situation that may have initially seemed very dire. These are occasions for great rejoicing. But it's also the case that sometimes people settle for a cosmetic appearance of improvement when a deeper and more sustained level of effort is required for lasting change.

The most effective change is often achieved gradually. Many problems didn't occur overnight and it's unrealistic to expect that they will be overcome immediately. I like to use the analogy of crooked teeth: braces take years of fairly continuous pressure to bring about the proper alignment, but the end result is worth the effort.

I've written before how slight improvements can bring about great results, either by engaging in a novel effort or implementing a small change over a longer period of time. One significant benefit of incremental rather than dramatic change is that it allows for adjustments along the way. An idea that initially seems excellent can turn into a nightmare later on if it's acted upon too rashly (one of the many reasons against marrying a person soon after a divorce.) As the old saying goes, "act in haste, repent at leisure."

New homeowners who want to landscape their property with various trees and plants often ignore spacing recommendations and arrange everything too close together. While the design may look attractive for a season or two, once the plants mature and start to crowd into each other the investment of time, money and energy can be a source of great regret.

Knowing when to act quickly and when to slow down can be confusing in the middle of a difficult situation. This is when a trustworthy source of guidance is invaluable. Someone who has frequently been over the same terrain that you're just beginning to travel can be of immense benefit. It's no surprise that I think an experienced counselor such as myself can serve such a role, but anyone with wisdom and objectivity can guide you.

Remember the quote from the Tao Te Ching: "Spring comes, the grass grows by itself." If you're truly committed to personal growth then you're in it for the long haul. Pace yourself and enjoy the scenery.
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Why "Better" is Better Than "Best"

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Sat, 30 May 2009 21:09:00 +0000

I recently introduced the concept that "progress works backwards", meaning that growth toward a desired goal generally happens in incrementally improving stages. I find a lot of hope in the idea that what initially seems like "failure" is more productively viewed as useful feedback on the path to ultimate success.

A corollary philosophy to the above idea is the interesting concept that "better is often better than best". This may initially seem to be a confusing and contradictory statement, but the idea is actually both simple and comforting.

As Geri Larkin wrote in "Stumbling Toward Enlightenment", "It's never a straight line." Any sustained endeavor is undoubtedly going to have its ups and downs. Setbacks are an inevitable byproduct in the pursuit of any worthwhile goal.

People who attend 12-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous are intimately familiar with the valuable concept of "progress, not perfection". Many therapists have recognized that perfectionism is often accompanied by it's "evil twin" of procrastination which halts all effort toward improvement. People who seek to do something perfectly often get discouraged and quit making any effort once they fall off the mark. As George S. Patton observed, "A good plan implemented today is better than a perfect plan implemented tomorrow."

Some ideal goals serve to inspire people while being forever impossible to attain. I often think of sailors throughout history who navigated their ships across vast expanses of ocean by using the North Star as a constant reference point. Similarly, the goal of absolute perfection can never be reached, even though it can be useful in setting and maintaining a course of action.

While I've previously written that relatively minor improvements often result in remarkable positive changes, the inverse proposition is true: past a certain point of improvement any continued effort is going to yield smaller and smaller gains. This reality has long been referred to as the law of diminishing returns.

There's a popular saying in business circles that "the good is the enemy of the great." This philosophy is often used to justify ever-increasing demands toward perfection. It implies that people or organizations that settle for 'mere adequacy' are inherently failing in their efforts by not striving toward a greater goal. Anything short of perfection becomes by definition mediocre. What a standard!

Ironically this aphorism turns out to be a mistranslation of a quote by by the French philosopher Voltaire, who actually wrote that "the perfect is the enemy of the good". Rather than claiming that what is "good" is inherently inferior to what is "perfect", Voltaire was warning that the quest for perfection carries its own demons. One of my friends once said "My old car can get me to most of the same places a Mercedes goes." I bet he's going to live a long life.

This idea brings to mind the provocative saying that sometimes "less is more." Rather than attempting to do too much, a certain simplicity of action is often a mark of wisdom and quiet power. This is similar to the concept of "addition by subtraction", meaning that it is often better to reduce or eliminate negative components rather than trying to pile on more positive ones. For example, if an apple in a bag is rotten, it makes more sense to simply remove it than to futilely expend energy searching for the elusive "perfect" bag. Similarly, it is often far more efficient to reduce whatever distracts from a goal instead of getting frustrated and exhausted by "trying harder".

By the way, in my journey through the human psyche I've also come across the idea that "worse is better". This seemingly contradictory statement simply means that dismantling something is often necessary before reconstructing it in a more improved form. A person experiencing active withdrawal from a drug addiction, for example, is going to temporarily feel worse to the exact measure that he or she is actually getting better. Likewise, in some cases two people in a deeply troubled relationship may need to separate before reuniting to form a healthier partnership with each other.

One of my favorite books is "The Spirituality of Imperfection", whose author, Ernest Kurtz, brilliantly demonstrates the inestimable benefit of recognizing and accepting the reality of humans as imperfect beings. Much of human interactions involve people showing their "best side" to each other. This unfortunately can have the unintended consequence of each person feeling either inferior or superior to the other due to "comparing your inside with other peoples' outside." The essence of spirituality is to be found in the imperfection of human beings, not in some imagined ideal way of living a life that can never be reached.

In conclusion, I'm not proposing that excellence isn't a very worthy goal. For example, I take great satisfaction in providing a consistent degree of excellence in my therapeutic work with each of my clients. My goal here is simply to introduce some useful ideas for balancing the desire to achieve perfection without proper regard to the cost involved. To once again borrow from the wisdom of 12-step groups, often the sanest and ultimately "best" course of action can be summed up in three simple words:

"Easy Does It!"

"

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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Quantity vs. Quality

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Tue, 26 May 2009 03:09:00 +0000

I have counseled many financially successful individuals who find their personal and family lives in turmoil. Such men and women are often emotionally unprepared for such a shock, in part because they have insufficiently developed their insight into the deeper treasures of life.

I think many adults have spent years trying to fulfill an image of themselves that they latched onto when they were vulnerable children. But a child's idea of what constitutes success is not likely to be sufficient for a fully formed adult. The transient nature of contemporary life often results in a lack of true mentors along the road to adulthood, and this absence of caring counsel all too often results in men and women who find their lives emotionally impoverished after they've achieved the trappings of outward success.

There is a tremendous difference between quantity (how much one has) and quality (what it ultimately means). Without the proper emotional guidance along the way it is easy to end up with piles of stuff rather than depth of meaning. Oscar Wilde famously quipped that "a cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing", and unfortunately there are a lot of similarly disillusioned people whose lives are not as fulfilling and satisfying as they had initially hoped and worked for.

More is not always better. As Albert Einstein observed, "not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." To understand this is the beginning of true wisdom.
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Sex Addiction: Three Drugs In One

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Sat, 16 May 2009 04:07:00 +0000

Thank you for wanting to read "Sex Addiction: Three Drugs In One." this useful presentation of the highly reinforcing nature of compulsive sexual behavior has been moved to my primary website, which I hope you will visit.

Progress Works Backwards

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Sat, 09 May 2009 03:15:00 +0000

To resolve a problem obviously means that a desired outcome has been reached, while progress means that some type of incremental improvement has been made. Seems simple, right? If something "bad" gets "better", most people would consider that to be progress. But have you ever considered the implication that progress works backwards? Let me explain what I mean.

Consider a two-pack-a-day smoker who attempts to quit cigarettes through effort, encouragement and maybe even nicotine patches or medication. If that person resumes the habit after a week, the fact remains that he or she achieved 7 days free of nicotine, which is a remarkable achievement. After all, a habit builds up gradually, so developing healthier habits often occur the same way.

The same can be said about any attempt at personal improvement. Whether the problem being addressed is excess weight, panic attacks, marital disagreements or any other barrier to health and happiness, "progress" is a journey in the right direction. As I've written before, the three measures of progress are changes in frequency, severity and duration. A problem can be said to be better either if it occurs less often, isn't as intense when it does occur, or doesn't last as long as it used to. So complete resolution isn't always a requirement in order to demonstrate that progress is being made.

This concept eliminates much of the demoralization that can ensue if the absence of perfect resolution is considered to be a"failure". As Thomas Edison is reported to have said after repeatedly trying to invent a workable light bulb, rather than failing he had learned many examples of what not to try. With this perspective there is no failure, only feedback. What often seems like failure often turns out to be the progress that precedes ultimate success. A toddler learning to walk does not fail by falling, for that is an expected developmental stage for everyone, even a future gold medal runner. As the theologian Henri Nouwen eloquently stated:

When suddenly you seem to lose all you thought you had gained, do not despair. Your healing is not a straight line. You must expect setbacks and regressions. Don’t say to yourself, “All is lost. I have to start all over again.” This is not true. What you have gained, you have gained........When you return to the road, you return to the place where you left it, not to where you started........It is important not to dwell on the small moments when you feel pulled away from your progress. Try to return home, to the solid place within you, immediately.

This does not mean that the concept of incremental progress works for all problems. A person who robs fewer banks than last year isn't going to earn the applause of the police. Sometimes, in the words of Yoda to Luke Skywalker, "Do....or do not. There is no try." But in reality the rest of us are imperfect humans who don't have to be like Jedi Knights in all things.

This concept that progress often happens in reverse is beautifully captured in the famous poem by Portia Nelson entitled "Autobiography In Five Short Chapters":

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

So strive to keep learning something valuable each time you stumble and scrape yourself in the journey toward your goal and you will continue progressing "backward" to your eventual success.
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If you like this post (and I hope you do) please visit my primary professional website for related articles on emotional growth and development, individual and couples counseling, tips for successful living, trends in the field of mental health, sex addiction treatment and many other interesting and useful topics.

Emotional Color Wheel

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 01:51:00 +0000

We all at times feel sad, anxious, or angry. Although these are normal human emotions, they can cause difficulties for people who have a hard time regulating or managing them. (Regulating an emotion is the ability to modulate its intensity, much like turning a volume control up or down, while managing an emotion is the ability to respond appropriately to its different intensities, much like a surfer who is able to ride many types of waves.)

Anger, sadness and anxiety can be thought of as three of the primary "difficult" emotions -- I don't use the word "negative" because each can be appropriate at different times. It's useful to think of a primary color wheel where blue represents sadness (hence "the blues"), red represents anger (as in "seeing red"), and yellow represents anxiety or fearfulness. Most of us have a typical "tint": a person who is either angry, anxious or sad in response to a variety of challenging situations will eventually use that emotion inappropriately and wonder why matters went from bad to worse.

Many difficulties, including a lot of relationship problems, are caused by the imbalance that occurs when one emotion does the job of another. I've worked with extremely angry people who were essentially full of sadness or fear but who couldn't admit it because these emotions seemed weak or useless. Similarly, many depressed people have healthy anger buried deep within themselves without a safe and constructive way to express it. Likewise, pervasive anxiety can mask a deeper depression or repressed rage that can be difficult to recognize under all of its emotional turmoil.

So if you are struggling with recurrent sadness, anger or anxiety it can be very constructive to consciously focus on identifying the other emotions on the primary color wheel. If you're angry, what might you be sad or worried about? If you tend to experience chronic anxiety, try to identify any unexpressed sources of anger or sorrow that may be deeper within yourself. If you get sad easily, deeply and often, make sure such depression isn't doing double duty for one of the other emotions that you don't typically feel or express.

Each emotion has a useful function, and if one typically substitutes for another the result is an imbalanced emotional repertoire. Just like an artist works with a full range of colors to mix into various shades, so too do people need the ability to access and express the full range of emotions in a healthy and balanced manner.
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Give Up To Take Up

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 03:49:00 +0000

Have you ever held so many items in your hands that you couldn't carry any more until you put some down? When your brain is full of long-held ideas about yourself and the world, how can there be room for any new and better ones to influence you in a more positive direction?

This is where the phrase "give up to take up" comes in. It's often necessary to sacrifice something you've held onto for a long time in order to gain the benefit of a truly better way of life. It's not enough to relinquish something that's easy or that you you didn't care much for anyway. That's like a Christian who observes Lent deciding to forego a detested vegetable for 40 days -- it doesn't mean anything. As I wrote in one of my first posts:

The words “sacred” and “sacrifice” share the same root. Many moments in life can be special, but it takes significant loss for something to be sacred. Repeat: nothing is sacred without sacrifice. I think this is important to remember when a person is giving up something meaningful to them, including something destructive like an addiction. It means that a conscious choice to experience the pain of loss is a sacred act.

The phrase "give up to take up" works just as well in reverse: "take up to give up." Less of any one quality is more of another one. You may take up exercise to give up being overweight, take up a hobby to give up boredom, or take up a volunteer activity to give up selfishness. The list is endless.

This brings to mind the old saying that "all goodbyes are hellos." Anything that departs from you makes room for something else to enter your life. You may not be able to recognize the value of what you are gaining by losing, especially if you are losing reassuring safeguards like certainty, security, strength or comfort. But so often in life we are able to look back and recognize that losing something we considered important opened us up in unexpected ways for growth, wisdom, humility and compassion. As the 13th century poet Rumi wisely observed, "some demolitions are renovations."

If there's some detriment in your life you want to give up, what discipline are you willing to take up to replace it? If there's a benefit you want to bring into your life, what sacrifice do you consider worthy to make in order to achieve it?
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What If?

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 05:26:00 +0000

A hallmark of anxiety is often some form of the question "What if.....?" Sometimes these two simple words can be helpful in motivating us to plan for possible situations that may come our way. But it's just as true that a virtually endless variation of fearful fantasies start with "what if?"

A few basic tools can help to address the anxiety of "what if" scenarios. The first is simple in theory but often hard to put into practice: Stop It! Once you develop the practice of recognizing that "what if" thoughts are forms of fantasy that take you to an imagined place and time then the simple solution is to come back to this very moment, the only one you ever have. The calm reminder to "be here now" can be extremely useful in combatting the tyranny of "there and then".

The second strategy for keeping a "what if" question from spiraling downhill is to simply come up with a positive answer. Avoid catastrophizing, the unhealthy tendency to think of the worst possible scenario that could occur. When "what if I get sick" meets "I'll work to get well again", the tide of anxiety can float a boat of optimism. A consciously positive answer may be nothing more than "I'll know what to do then", but all a seed needs is a tiny patch of soil to root and grow.

It may sound basic but often a good response to an episode of obsessive anxiety is to simply move your body to a new location. Take a walk, go to the grocery store, do some ironing, ride a bike, or get involved in just about any other activity that changes your body's energy level or your mind's focus.

Sometimes I find it helpful to balance out a negative possibility with a positive one. It's unbalanced thinking to only imagine a bad outcome without also being able to come up with some good ones. Even if you don't easily believe a positive result may occur, make yourself consider it anyway. Dare to stand up to the bully bossing you around in the playground of your mind. Remember, the absolute reality is that most bad things we worry about never happen.

Don't forget the basic strategy of simply talking about your worries with another person. It's easy to hold in excessive anxieties through shame or fear others won't understand, but confiding in another person brings some much-needed air and light to what otherwise is the dank basement of our imagination.

Another strategy I like to combat the cancer of "what if" is a healthy dose of "so what?" While "what if" is very serious, "so what" is more optimistic and confidant. It suggests that things may not be so bad even if they do occur.

It's important to add faith into the mix. Fear and faith are like oil and water. A bottle can have only so much of one without pouring out the other. There are many forms of faith that provide comfort and strength in the face of anxiety and uncertainty.

I'm not saying that some sources of anxiety aren't both realistic and serious. Considering how to go about avoiding, managing or overcoming dire possibilities is one of the reasons humans have evolved as far as we've gotten, and a lot more of that is needed if humanity is to keep moving forward into a healthy future.

As the saying goes, people don't plan to fail, they fail to plan. When anxiety spurs productive action then it is a great ally on the road of life. Obsessive worrying about negative outcomes to the point that it saps energy, optimism and focus is a waste of time and serenity.

What if you get to decide which one happens?
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Consequences

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 10:47:00 +0000

Painful as they can often are, thank goodness for consequences!

Every action (and even not taking an action) has an effect. This seems pretty straight-forward, right? Yet all too often we want to avoid experiencing negative consequences for what we do. This is as true on a national and even global scale as it is for you and me. But the avoidance of consequences causes a great imbalance in the ability to learn from mistakes.

I often remind clients (and myself) that although we are able to choose our actions we aren't able to choose our consequences. An event that is set into motion is like a ball thrown into a river: it will go where it goes, often bumping into rocks and sometimes getting stuck but always subject to forces we are powerless to control.

Many times consequences that seem negative by the pain they bring to ourselves or others actually lead to positive growth. Imagine that a person never experienced consequences for anything. How would that person learn to develop responsibility, self-control and personal awareness? Consequences are great teachers, although many times we are poor students. It's often tempting but mis-guided to blame "circumstances" or other people for the ill effects of our life choices.

I'm in no way saying that truly devastating consequences stemming from a momentary lack of judgment justify the learning that can accrue from them. News reports regularly detail tragic instances in which a seemingly minor event can lead to devastating ruin that totally exceeds a simple "growth opportunity". But it's also very true that many painful results can bring motivation for even difficult personal change.

People who engage in addictive behavior, as a prime example, hope to avoid negative consequences for their out-of-control behavior. This leads them to lie, distort, cheat, steal or blame others for their defects of character. It's only when these attempts to escape personal responsibility fail that an addict has any possible chance of engaging in the long-term and difficult task of creating a better life. The same can be said of people who have affairs, engage in domestic abuse or allow any destructive action to continue.

So thank goodness for consequences, the difficult task master of great personal growth.
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The Best Time To Plant An Oak Tree

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 03:09:00 +0000

I love this old saying:

"The best time to plant an oak tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is today."

Who among us doesn't have at least some feeling of regret about actions not taken in the past? The decisions made in youth often take many years to reach full fruition in later life. Maybe you wish you had mastered a second language, learned how to play a musical instrument, gained skill at a sport, developed your artistic ability, or engaged in any other dream that would be reaping deep emotional dividends today.

Rather than mourning the lost opportunities of the past, aren't your energies better spent developing old or new areas of fulfillment now? I once heard a great story about a man who knew wished he had gone to law school, but at age 45 he felt it was too late. "The best I could do is go part-time and that would take me at least 5 years to complete my coursework. I'll be 50 by then!" His best friend responded by asking "How old will you be in five years if you don't go to law school?" The point is well made: don't use lost opportunities as an excuse to not begin the effort of bringing forth your dreams today.

Remember that:

Frank Lloyd Wright designed the famous Guggenheim Museum, generally recognized as the crowning achievement of his illustrious career, at 80.

Grandma Moses started painting in her 70's.

Winston Churchill made his biggest contributions to world history beginning at age 66.

Cervantes didn't write "Don Quixote" until he was 58.

Ray Kroc opened his first McDonald's at age 52.

Raymond Chandler didn't publish a book until 51.

Charles Darwin wrote "On the Origin of Species" at 50.

Ronald Reagan didn't even get into politics until 44 and was elected President at 69

The opera diva Beverly Sills barely made a living until she was almost 40.

Harry Truman was a bankrupt businessman at age 37.

Julia Child didn't learn to cook until her late 30's.

The hugely influential architect and visionary Buckminster Fuller was bankrupt at 32

What will they say about YOU?

No effort that you enjoy expending is tiresome. Heading in the direction of your dreams isn't exhausting.....it's exhilarating! Any master gardener will tell you that late blooming plants often display the most beautiful foliage.

If you're still not convinced, let the words of the wise punster inspire you:

"Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like me!"

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The Difference That Makes A Difference

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 04:16:00 +0000

"If you want something different, you have to do something different." This seems like a straight-forward aphorism, doesn't it? But there's an important corollary to this rule, which is that not every difference makes a difference.

It's probably fair to say that anyone who walks into a counselor's office wants something to be different: to be less depressed, have a better marriage, break free of a destructive addiction, and on and on.

Albert Einstein supposedly defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." I'm not sure I agree with the "insanity" part but it's a perfect working definition of futility. The problem isn't so much that people don't try something different: most of my clients have already attempted to make changes or one sort or the other. But not every difference makes a difference!

The person wanting a better relationship may try very hard to get his or her partner to change. But (as I've emphasized before), the difference that makes a difference is to work on changing oneself. The desire to get "clean and sober" may cause a person to exert more willpower in place of attending a confidential 12-step meeting to benefit from the "experience, strength and hope" so available there. A parent may agree to stop yelling at a child without realizing that even subtle forms of intimidation and shaming can be just as damaging. The examples can go on and on.

Another of my recent posts set forth the challenging question of what you are truly willing to do in order to achieve your most desired result in life. Sometimes (as I've previously discussed) small changes can lead to big results, and fundamentally any difference provides useful information (yes, I've covered that too!). But very often the real difference you seek require a willingness to engage in significantly different behavior to achieve your goal. This can be difficult to determine or accomplish on your own, which is why all of us need sources of help and guidance to reach our highest goals.
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The Hardest Year In A Marriage

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 03:57:00 +0000

I recently saw a humorous refrigerator magnet with a sentence that I thought was brilliantly true:

"The most difficult year of marriage is THIS one."

Long-term relationships take work, and that's what makes them worthwhile. The idea that a marriage is easy probably accounts for the high percentage of divorces in this country. People get disillusioned because the initial chemical high of early love wears off. It often takes the consistent and long-term work of real attachment for couples to maintain stability, to say nothing of the effort required to maintain true dynamic growth in the relationship.

I've written before of the truism that work in a relationship is fundamentally work on one's self. Have you ever found sustained personal growth to be consistently easy? Whether you're working to lose weight or gain serenity, there's no substitute for a willingness to do what it takes. Why should a wonderful and meaningful relationship be any different?

So if you and your partner are struggling, you're not alone. Adults should be free of the notion that something worthwhile comes for nothing. So prepare to dig in and make it work, and if you get stuck, get the help you deserve to take your relationship to the next level.

And by the way, the first 100 years are the hardest!
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What Are You Willing To Do....

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 15:55:00 +0000

What are you willing to do.....

.....to live the life that is best for you, that fulfills your potential and brings you the greatest amount of possible satisfaction?

.....and how long are you willing to strive for it? What are you willing to invest, how long are you willing to work and wait? What are the lengths you are willing to go to achieve the life you deserve to live?

Most people want to live some version of a better life. Unfortunately, too many people want immediate change to occur. While I often help people to feel better in the very first counseling session, straightening out lives can be a lot like straightening out teeth -- it can take years of consistent pressure and guidance to achieve the desired outcome, and the process is not free of discomfort.

I want to emphasize that I'm NOT talking about years of therapy! Self-improvement takes many forms. I've counseled many people for a meeting or two during significant periods of life transition or crisis. Sometimes a client may go several years between sessions with me!

The undeniable fact is that the choices we made in the past inevitably influence our present life. We are all, to some extent, living the consequences of prior decisions. And it's just as true that the choices made today will influence the kind of future that is possible. Often a great deal of time can elapse before the deepest changes we want to bring about in our lives become evident.

Many life improvements are so wonderful that they are worth a great deal of effort and patience to bring about. It's tempting to want a better life NOW without being willing to work particularly hard to achieve it.

Gold is expensive because it's difficult to find and extract from the earth. A golden life can be just as difficult to obtain. Dedicated effort and self-examination are essential in bringing about the best future possible. Quick fixes and the easy attainment of major life goals can feel initially satisfying but may not last without the resolve to climb all the way up the mountain.
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In Honor of Richard Morgan

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 10:49:00 +0000

The Atlanta recovery community lost a great friend upon the sudden death on February 10th of Richard Morgan. Richard was a well-respected therapist in private practice and a heck of a good guy in general. His work in the addiction recovery community helped transform the lives of very many people over the years. The overflow crowd at his funeral made it evident how many people loved and respected him on both a personal and professional level. I always admired him as a colleague, and as is so often the case I wish I had taken the time to get to know him better on a personal level. It serves as yet another reminder to tell people how much they matter and to receive every day as special because another one is not guaranteed. Life is so fragile and we tend to take it for granted until one day our time is up. Live fully, love mightily, forgive regularly, laugh often. Richard, the world is a better place for your time walking upon it and a sadder place without you.

Quest Vs. Compulsion

Billherringlcsw@gmail.com (Bill Herring) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 03:46:00 +0000

This is another in my continuing series of "therapeutic distinctions", pairs of concepts that share some similarities but which contain a vital distinction that can have great implications for a how a person lives each day. One such distinction that recently came up in a therapy session was between a "compulsion" and a "quest".

Many people use compulsions to get through the day: cigarettes, lust hits, rituals, worry.....all can be forms of escape or ways to manage intolerable feelings. Who has time to feel with all these compulsions demanding attention?

But a quest is another story. The idea of a quest almost sounds archaic in these modern times, but the image is a noble one that can have great sustaining power. A quest is a tenacious searching, an effort to appease longing by seeking the object of its desire.

I saw a similar distinction recently in a book titled "Walking A Sacred Path" (which describes many productive uses of walking a labyrinth such as the one behind my office). The author posited the distinction between a tourist and a pilgrim. One comes to witness and enjoy the locale while the other comes to bear witness and engage the soul.

Are you on a quest, or merely compulsive? Are you a tourist or a pilgrim in your life?
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