atomic-raygun

Hospice

2013-11-25T22:17:00.001-08:00

Got okay from hospice to go ahead with plan to stop eating and drinking. Wish me well. I have to go some way and I don't have control over anything else.

Home

2013-11-12T00:04:00.001-08:00

I broke out.

*kisses the ground*

Can't stand never being alone!!!

Hate authority!!!

I liked the PT a lot but unfortunately the way the facility was run made things unscheduled with no inclusion of me in any info loop. Ideally I would've had PT first thing, then OT later, but the OT kept appearing and sucking up my energy (which has a rise and fall I can predict daily) and making me miss PT, which then got put off until some later time when my energy and abilities were very low. No schedule! Ridiculous!

My idea was to work very hard at PT to gain as much strength as possible, then do OT later in the day to work on core strength. The PT man I mostly had, as well as one OT man, thought that was fine, but the female OT did as she pleased. No schedule meant someone could turn up any time when I was wanting to go to the toilet, say, or doing jin shin, or feeling terrible (every afternoon my weakness/hot feeling increases). No schedule! I still can't believe it.

I beat on them at first and got a few days with PT at 8, before the OT screwed it up. I got fed up and wanted to leave Saturday but they couldn't discharge me properly until today. In my view they helped me gain strength but now I need to be able to get up when I want to little by little. I had 18 days of being stuck barely allowed to move, so I need to take it slowly.

I hired a Kim to come in for two hours and my generous pal Lucia (the poet) is sending one of her caregivers for two hours a day. I had awesome friends pick me up today. Con and Mr Monster did so much I can't even list, SJ paid a surprise visit, while Jim not only loaded/unloaded me into the car and got me safely onto the bed, but brought countless thoughtful items and actually went back to the facility to get a forgotten bag then came all the way back.

Berdie is going to come out and do jin shin on me as Frank is away. She came twice to the facility but I never dreamt she'd come here!

It's huge to me that I'm out. I see exactly the nightmare I wish to avoid, plus great stress from never being alone, totally under their control, and sharing a room with a 90 year old woman who seemed to have given up the struggle. I often wonder what it must be like to have a life as these stupid neuro things began with an injury ~25 years ago. Ah, well.

Having a difficult time.

2013-11-05T21:34:00.001-08:00

Having a difficult time in my worst nightmare. Being supported by Lucia Jim Tiff Con Dave. Working very hard to gain strength. Out of tamoxifen half life. Pretending I'm in prison. Hot atmosphere makes me super weak.

Want to go home. Can't believe people who only have one disease are bothered. Would be nice to just have two.

Bah.

Cousin

2013-11-05T21:23:00.001-08:00

Chris sez:

Will bring a file if still called for..I fly into Seattle, land at 1320, so probably 330-4PM by the time I get to you- depending on where you are at that point. Address of the prison as a back up would be helpful, and if you are still there and thinking of letting you out- though I doubt it would be on good behavior- I can drive you home if that tips the balance.

Keep fighting eh!

Wild Times

2013-10-19T10:31:00.001-07:00

My life has reached a weird but absurdly funny plateau that in my trusting moments I can enjoy a bit, but which mostly would seem awful looked at from outside.
My willmaking activities have run off the rails and I'm having to begin from scratch. I have found a nice notary but that's it so far.
My doctor letter is sitting in my mailbox this past week, but eventually I'll get it.
Yesterday I got stuck being unable to move on the bed with the lights out, which sucked. After a while I could get up, though. The weakness is X 100 when my core temperature is just a bit raised, which I'm countering with icy seltzer, ice fruit bars, ibuprofen, keeping the house icy cold, and medical mj. If I get cold I'm more spastic and can't move my arms, so the medical mj helps with that. It isn't that I don't feel cold - it's like slow torture having to be cold forever, but better cold than weak. It's also like a very touchy and difficult mechanism which is akin to defusing a bomb every day. It's very neat to defuse it, and the task is always absorbing, but it sucks when it goes awry.
SWMNBMIMB told me I am her role model for kindness, which I find crazy as I don't find myself particularly kind and I don't think I'm generous although I try.
I knew I had cancer a while ago as I suddenly saw the same red-rimmed eyes that my mum had when she had it. I look worse and worse these days, which is comical. Comical to me, anyway.

PREPARATION

2013-10-13T14:28:00.001-07:00

On Thursday morn I was idly thinking about my cwazee life and wondering what in the hell it could be good for assuming one believes in reincarnation. The word PREPARATION popped into my head unbidden so perhaps it's that. Reincarnation has always seemed a bit too much like wishful thinking to me however it suits me to believe in its possibility right now.

Although through my own experiences I know there are more things than are usually given credence, I don't know exactly what all those things are. However, I'll take them :-)

Med mj

2013-10-13T13:24:00.001-07:00

Although I've had a medical marijuana prescription for some time I've only started using it on a daily basis for a few days as I nibbled an edible and felt my temperature go down. That's huge to me as I've been struggling with low grade fever for a year.

Fever makes me hella weak. Heretofore my ways of coping were cold seltzer, ice bars, and ibuprofen. Ibuprofen hurts my liver and is no longer effective anyway.

I wasn't sure my thoughts were correct so looked it up online and, yes, it reduces fever.

"Clinically, cannabis appears to actually lower temperature and a couple of patients have described a sense of cold with transient shivering. The question could be answered readily by comparing temperatures of persons who have THC metabolites in their urine and people who don't. If there turns out to be a significantly lower temperature in the cannabis-using population, one might posit a slower metabolic rate which, over time, might have implications for longevity. Temperature has a significant effect on metabolic rate. We have to understand the mechanism of hypothermogenesis."

http://www.calgarycmmc.com/fever.htm#730296679

I first really thought about it consciously last Thursday when I took a nibble as I thought less spasticity would perhaps help me hold urine as I was weak and knew I'd never be able to hold it until I was strong enough to get up. I was surprised when I was later able to get up 2.5 hours earlier than I'd expected, at 7:45.

Week

2013-10-11T23:14:00.001-07:00

Wow, I had the variety visits this week:
Mon Tiff and Frank
Tues Enjah
Wed Enjah and Justin
Thurs Enjah and Frank
Fri Frank
I had a blast with everyone even if I couldn't move a lot of the time. Enjah read my tarot cards, too, which was neat.
I was happy basking in the warmth of Enjah's clarity and intelligence. She was more in her power than I'd seen her before, and I loved it.

2013-10-09T23:35:00.001-07:00

Enjah!!

Visitors

2013-10-09T23:34:00.001-07:00

On Monday Frank came, then Tiff visited, which was a lot for me, but wonderful.

Yesterday I had a fabulous visitor! Enjah came, and the first thing I did was start crying. I'm barely understandable now anyway but sobbing and laughing interspersed with noises was my way of greeting my friend. Kim had been there earlier so I had hadan exhausting day.

Today I had two visitors - Enjah and Justin, and it was delightful. I was a blob but they both were so capable and smart and loving that it was ok. Justin brought homemade cookies and a Cafe Jack mug, and Enjah cooked delicious lamb stew, greens, and had previously feed us sandwiches and merlot.

I have one last day with Enjah before she wings her way back to Texas, and I very much appreciate her visit.

Lately I am unable to move from roughly 3 or 4 until about 10. I seem to've stair stepped down recently.

Thinking about the day at the surgeon's a couple of months ago, how I knicked myself then bled like a stuck pig, and how I was told it'd spread but they couldn't know how far without further procedures which I was unwilling to do, I wonder if has migrated to bone marrow. It's fine, whatever. I feel awful and have no strength for anything much. It was a triumph today that I managed to last until 9:45 then get to the toilet before anything untoward happened. My life has shrunk to such a level but haha.

Radio

2013-10-05T21:01:00.001-07:00

I've taken to listening to WGNS radio because it makes me laugh. It's like sinking into Mayberry. It's the ADVERTISEMENTS. Slick Pig Barbecue, Bell Furniture (with a handbell being rung in their ads*), community reminder about Blue Day for a high school sports team, the medical clinic Girls Night Out - all gems.

*Something something more cowbell

OMG

2013-09-27T10:55:00.001-07:00

OMG I just got the game Incredipede as Enjah recommended it, and I am really good at it BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH PHYSICALLY EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY. At least it's good for something!

By the way Incredipede is a fabulously beautiful and wonderfully wrought game and is currently half price for Android, so go and get it RIGHT NOW!

VR Walk

2013-09-24T18:24:00.001-07:00

I'd like to have something I could be supported in then use to walk around vr. Course I always wanted a jolly jumper, too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNj2raXBeV0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Zomg

2013-09-22T21:20:00.001-07:00

I love these.

http://www.behance.net /gallery/Classic-Movies-in-Miniature-Style/4455311/

Papa

2013-09-22T21:09:00.001-07:00

CAGLIARI, Sardinia (Reuters) - Pope Francis made one of his strongest attacks on the global economic system on Sunday, saying it could no longer be based on a "god called money" and urged the unemployed to fight for work.

Francis, at the start of a day-long trip to the Sardinian capital, Cagliari, put aside his prepared text at a meeting with unemployed workers, including miners in hard hats who told him of their situation, and improvised for nearly 20 minutes.

"I find suffering here ... It weakens you and robs you of hope," he said. "Excuse me if I use strong words, but where there is no work there is no dignity."

He discarded his prepared speech after listening to Francesco Mattana, a 45-year-old married father of three who lost his job with an alternative energy company four years ago.

Mattana, his voice trembling, told the pope that unemployment "oppresses you and wears you out to the depths of your soul".

The crowd of about 20,000 people in a square near the city port chanted what Francis called a prayer for "work, work, work". They cheered each time he spoke of the rights of workers and the personal devastation caused by joblessness.

The pope, who later celebrated Mass for some 300,000 people outside the city's cathedral, told them: "We don't want this globalised economic system which does us so much harm. Men and women have to be at the centre (of an economic system) as God wants, not money."

"The world has become an idolator of this god called money," he said.

GTA 5

2013-09-22T15:17:00.001-07:00

GTA 5 is fantastic looking.

I've been watching what people have been posting since it came out, and it looks amazing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0e_42_OWYw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

HTML5

2013-09-20T22:43:00.001-07:00

HTML 5 has been slowly going through the web, improving and streamlining, making the impossible possible. The latest thing I've seen is a site for improving those annoyingly slow-loading animated GIFs that are a staple of the web and much loved yet equally loathed.

http://gfycat.com/about streamlines GIFs by converting them to HTML5 video, rendering them tiny, swift, yet as good quality as they were originally. Let us hope HTML5 video can take over in the future.

Drax Files

2013-09-20T22:29:00.001-07:00

Latest Drax machinima about SL people.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAQzKgUb6ec&feature=youtube_gdata_player

HOW's Video

2013-09-20T12:32:00.001-07:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGPdwvTiyvY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

HBA made this neat Survivalcraft video showing some of his methods. If Minecraft and Survivalcraft can work on tablets how come I can't have Glitch? Survivalcraft isn't multiplayer as yet and Minecraft Realms hasn't yet opened but is scheduled.

I miss Glitch.

8°!

2013-09-17T09:04:00.001-07:00

http://i.imgur.com/K0wdYhv.jpg
====8»O
As seen on reddit.

GoT 8bit

2013-09-16T09:51:00.001-07:00

Hello Gandalf

2013-09-11T13:48:00.001-07:00

Gandalf the Pink

Champing at the Bit

2013-09-10T11:35:00.001-07:00

So I already waited a whole day - is 3-Sweep available yet?

Gen. Eaglebald

2013-09-02T21:28:00.001-07:00

General Eaglebald

General Eaglebald aka my brother-in-law Richard. He loves tanks so I forced him to get going with World of Tanks and War Thunder.

Sword & Sworcery

2013-09-02T14:53:00.001-07:00

Sword & Sworcery