So, why shouldn’t some random dude on eBay be able to get someone to pay him $5,000 for his “presence?”

Seller olpelambert is looking for someone with cash to burn to fly him somewhere in the U.S. to have one guaranteed attendee at your next soiree, or plant tulips for you, or, apparently give you an “honest” opinion about your choices in living room art. He’s also willing to hang around for a weekend to act like a suckup or make sarcastic comments.

He draws the line when it comes to “dirty old women trying to get their rocks off with a queer” or leaving the country. But you’re welcome to visit him in the Midwest if you want to “most likely suffer the verbal abuse” of his friends.

His qualifications are described thusly: “I mean after all, I always show up fashionably late and grace the world with my presence simply by rolling out of bed each morning so I should get paid for it anyway.”

His warranty is similarly customer-friendly: “there are absolutely NO RETURNS if you are unsatisfied with this product. If you are unsatisfied with my weekend presence, you can simply go to my (well its someone else’s number) customer satisfaction line of 1-800-Go-Away.”

Visit the “My Presence” auction.

It goes to figure then, that you also love doing these things in the shadow of a nice, life-sized replica of Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Ebay seller “Bars, Cigars and Brew: Purveyors of Fine Living” offers humidors, jewelry, antique furniture and glassware, and apparently, competitive pricing ($25K) on Jurassic, 20-foot-tall dinosaur statues. They are shipped in 40-foot crates from the Philippines, which, if you ask me, has all of the makings of a bizarre action movie sequence.

Visit the life-sized dinosaur auction.

No worries! Just channel your inner international hobo by making a toupée or fake eyelashes or anything else you can make with human locks from seller trykp’s “Adventure Hair” auction.

A young man who started his world travels with a Mon Chi Chi haircut of less than one inch, he offers “12+ Months of rich brown hair,” freshly cut. He offers a history of his hair’s world travels, from the Mediterranean in Europe and Africa (including a dip in the Dead Sea), down to the Outback and up through Eastern Asia. There are even small details about his coiffure in his description: “During my stay in the mediteranean [sic] sun, My hair lightened due to the lemon blonde gel i used at the time.” He promises to share more details of his trip with his buyer.

Along with the caveat that he’ll use the sale of the hair to help him pay for college, trykp makes his case for its value:

“I have ventured the globe, swam in raging waters, climbed 90 degree mountains, skied down avalanche potential slopes. I have done wheelies on motorcycles, fought wildlife, cheated death in a near fatal car and motorcycle accident. During this long rough and exciting year, the only souvenir i have is my Hair.”

Visit the adventure hair auction.

If you’ve spent so many nights snuggling your 1960s-era G.I. Joe figurine that his flocked, fuzzy hair  is now worn down with bald patches, there’s a solution available! According to AstroJoe11, his “Rug Ratz Flocking Service” can rejuvenate your doll’s scalp better than the Hair Club for Men for under $10.

“ANY GI JOE OR ACTION FIGURE HEAD CAN NOW BE PROFESSIONALLY REFLOCKED FOR A FRACTION OF THE COST FROM THE OTHER GUYS!!” reads the enthusiastic listing. ” YEP, WE HAVE DEVELOPED A VERY HIGH GRADE, INEXPENSIVE WAY TO TURN YOUR BURN OUT JOE HEAD INTO THAT FRESH, OFF THE SHELF LOOK!!”

Visit the G.I. Joe head reflocking listing.

GERI

When seller tnbettyboop went on a 5-state yard sale tour to see what she could find, it’s doubtful that she imagined finding this.

“My partner and I both spotted this beauty at the same time,” she says in the auction description. “She was sitting on a saddle, draped in a red Matador’s cape, SO INTRIGUING! No wig, a man’s face and grandma’s boobs.”

While she looks like she should be a prop in some esoteric independent film, “GERI” is, in fact, a learning device for nursing students who work with geriatric patients. She has bedsores, cancerous (and noncancerous) moles, injection panels on her arms, differently sized pupils and real genitalia for catheter practice (this one has female parts, but a full, new model can apparently be switched out for male bits).

A “Simulaid” in the tradition of Rescue/CPR Annie, Geri is proof that medical education prop makers don’t like to sugar coat  the nature of the human body. Other products on their web site include “Fat Old Fred,” “ALS trauma head,” “EVA the Gynecologic Manikin,” and even the all-new “CasPer the CPR dog.”

Visit the “GERI: The Complete Nursing Skills Manikin” auction

When I asked him how it happened, he told me that another boy did it to him. Alarmed that maybe my kid had been punched in the face without anyone noticing, I probed a little more.

“He didn’t hit me. He didn’t mean it,” my son said. “He was just chubby cheeking me!”

If you also enjoy various forms of facial persecution, eBay has a box of four life-sized fiberglass heads available. A rod with bolts pulls appears to pull the the cheeks together and the eyes are sewn shut. And you can paint them whatever color your heart desires.

Visit the “Tortured Face” auction.

The “Ex Knife Set” is a storage unit in which you can plunge five sharp utensils into a body that lives on your kitchen counter. The featureless form stands in a stunned posture and has highly visible entrance and exit wounds. One customer did suggest that the plastic item seemed like it would have been better as a ceramic piece, but they claimed to still be happy with the purchase. No one in the seller feedback made any claims as to its therapeutic benefits.

See one of the “Ex Knife Set” auctions. Or visit the seller’s store, where the set also comes in red, pink and other colors.

Actually, “ylyly”(better known on YouTube as parody artist and poet Dave Morice), doesn’t really explain why he felt the need to “tampoon” one of the Louvre’s best-known treasures, but he does chronicle the process of creating his homage and the variety of responses he’s received about her, including words of shame from a Midwestern librarian and support and encouragement from Tampax corporate:

Morice is selling Tampon Mona Lisa for a minimum bid of $2,600, along with a collection of comments that he’s received about her during earlier attempts to sell her on eBay.

Visit the tampon Mona Lisa auction

The nature of its mystical powers are unclear, but eBay seller drew33 wants at least $10,000 for “one of the finest examples of peanut striping in the nation, possibly the world,” discovered at a burger joint in Saratoga, New York. But you must be willing to pick it up somewhere along the Hudson River, between Saratoga and New York City.

Pictures reveal that it is, in fact, a marvelously striped peanut, with a value-added image of the peanut in a “psychedelic environment,” because any serious bidder would want to “see the actual peanut in a unique environment.”

Of course, no peanut is perfect, and the seller calls your attention to that fact, noting that, “like the Liberty Bell, the striped nut is actually cracked down one side.”

So, is the seller hallucinating, is this some kind of oddball marketing stunt for the burger joint he mentions, or what?

Visit the mystical peanut auction.

“My style is a combo of Dr. Seuss, Woody Guthrie, and Charles Bukowski with a dash of Sylvia Plath and a twist of Bill Knott (at least that is what Al N. Ginsberg told me once),” he says.

In case you buy his claim, you can bid on one of his poems and he will send it to you in the mail. In more flush times, some might pay $5 for that description alone, but so far with 8 bids and a handful of hours left to go, the standing price is 55 cents.

Visit the poem auction.