Austin White Horse & Libations... nefarious persuasion

So much happiness after the sad

2018-01-27T22:50:00.003-08:00

I'm feeling really good about life these days now that the sadness of losing my baby has subsided. I have never been in love like this before and it feels so incredible. And he is uprooting his life to come here and be with me which is kinda unbelievable b/c I know he loves Los Angeles. I'm grateful and I will show him every day. And he didn't have the best notions about Texas, but I think Austin has grown on him a bit. He's going to love it here. Honestly, I had my heart set on moving to LA to be with him. I love California so so so much and maybe we will move there one day. However, Austin just makes the most sense. I love my job. Like seriously... I love it. My coworkers are becoming my friends that I spend time with outside of work. I feel like I can be myself at work and I am accepted. I am good at my job and appropriately compensated with benefits. It's a great company that I feel proud to be a part of. I have my parents here and my grandparents. I love seeing my parents every week when I go there to do laundry. And when Billy and I have a baby, they will be such a great help. They are such wonderful grandparents! And we can actually afford to buy a home here soon, albeit mobile... but that's good enough for us. I'm stoked about it, actually. I'm happy that Billy has lots of possibilities ahead of him careerwise. He wasn't happy at his last job b/c he wasn't treated very well. And we are in a position where he has some time to find something he enjoys which is rare and wonderful. His happiness is of utmost importance to me. When he smiles, my heart melts.

I have made so many friends in the past year. Real friends that are kind, supportive, amazing people. I don't know how I got so blessed. I think back on times in my life where I was so incredibly low and wanted to die, abominably afflicted with depression and I am so grateful I lived through those times to see the woman I am today. I am strong, confident, kind and driven. I am going to be a great wife and an even better mother. There were long stints in my life where I thought this world would be a better place without me and I tried to leave it. Thank god I didn't b/c I now know that I am valuable and I love myself very much.

💖

Vegas w/ my William

2018-01-16T20:53:00.001-08:00

We went to Vegas with the intent of spending time w/ his family and breaking the news of my pregnancy to them. But two weeks before our trip, his mom passed away from terminal cancer. 😓And a few days before, I lost our baby. 😢 Needless to say, this has been a rough month for us. Especially for him. I can't imagine losing my mom, as much as she can drive me nuts. Its just too painful to think about. Vegas was nice. We got to spend a lot of time with his sister's family and sweet lil' Aunt who made food for all of us. I just adored her. 😊 Tiffany and her husband were great and their house full of lovely children made me hopeful, but also a little sad for our loss. Like we really wanted that baby. And I still cry a lot thinking about how it's gone now. I'm scared it will happen again.

I'm depressed. The loss has been palpable. I need to exercise and eat healthy and to remain hopeful. And these next 5 weeks without my fiance will be difficult. He is my rock. Yeah, I get to see his sweet smile every day on video chat, but nothing beats his skin on mine and the smell of his neck. Fuck, I love this man. I can face anything w/ him by my side. That is why I am marrying him. I'm so ecstatic that I get to love and care for him until we die.

Austin in frozen. I slipped on ice and hurt my ankle. Blah. I am stoked to be back at work tomorrow and that being said, I must rest. 💜

Feeling Appreciative

2018-01-14T08:54:00.001-08:00

I seriously won the fiancé lottery. I couldn’t ask for a better man with a better heart. He is so pleasingly handsome I seriously just stare at him sometimes. He is so kind and smart and sweet. I love everything that he is. I am so grateful.

Sadness

2018-01-12T09:16:00.001-08:00

I didn't go to work again this morning. Honestly, I would have gone but I woke up to a freezing trailer (ran out of propane over night). My hair is a greasy mess and I reallllly needed that shower to make myself presentable. There as even an email that went out that stated we were to dress very professionally today b/c of some deposition taking place in the mail conference room. So, 4 days off work in one week. I have to say I'm feeling guilty about missing so much. I FUCKING MISS BEING IN MY OFFICE WORKING! What is wrong w/ me? On he other hand... my heart aches. I cry, often. I miss my baby. I'm so sad. Billy said I should get out of this trailer. It's still fucking cold in here and I don't know when my dad will have time to come by. I need to go to the bank to deposit a check and get cash to pay rent to my grandma and pay my dad back for the propane. I want pancakes so I am going to go to Kerbey Lane... or maybe Snooze. Then I am going to Old Navy and T.J. Max b/c I need some damn slacks for work that come down past my ankle. Lord am I sick of walking around w/ freezing ankles. I could also use some cozy sweaters to keep me warm. I've had to put all my holiday sweaters in storage b/c that time has passed. And then back home to pack for Vegas tomorrow.

Billy is moving here late February. He is going to buy a Miata b/c apparently he is a middle-aged man going through a sad mid life crisis. LOL! Jk. I'm flying there and driving here w/ him. Should be a really fun roadtrip. I can't wait to cohabitate w/ my fiance! I love him so much. He is wonderful.

Things had been going so well...

2018-01-09T09:13:00.001-08:00

Until my tenth week ultrasound today. The baby was still only measuring at 6 weeks (same as the first ultrasound) and there was no heartbeat. It took a second for that to really register with me, that I had lost the baby. A miscarriage. Tears poured down my face and I felt completely helpless. I love(d) this baby so much already, more than I even realized... and it was gone. Well, not actually gone. I have to take pills for that. I just picked them up at the pharmacy and a bunch of pads to sop up all the blood and whatever else my small fetus was composed of. I wonder why this happened. Was it something that I did wrong? Maybe. I was drinking for the first month b/c I had a period (implantation) and took a test that was negative. I had no idea. I am so sad. We both wanted this baby so bad. I feel like I've let Billy down. And Im terrified this will happen again. He really wants to be a father. If I can't give that to him, he might not want to be with me anymore. I want a baby so badly too. I wanted this baby. I had names picked out already. I am so devastated and heartbroken by this loss. 😓😪😭

The only pic I will ever have of you b/c now you are gone:

Leenie's Xmas Wish List edited

2017-12-03T22:03:00.002-08:00

↠ Tarot cards (lost mine)
↠ New Apple Headphones (mine crapped out)
↠ New vibrator
↠ Sexy lingerie that Billy would enjoy (this list is just for Billy, BTW)
↠ Chocolate covered gummy bears
↠ Delicious milk chocolates with peanut butter (reese's suck)
↠ Betsey Johnson jewelry from ebay (especially the astronaut or large gold bows *cheap*)
↠ Your eternal love & devotion - Marry me! Hehe.

I love you so much and I can't wait to spend our first (of so so so many) Christmas' together! Xo

😘

Holy Shit

2017-12-03T13:58:00.004-08:00

Holy shit, I am so in love w/ my boyfriend. And he is in love w/ me. Our relationship is truly wonderful and off to a really good start. I want to marry him! And to have his children. I mostly just want to see him smile and be with him is as much as possible. His happiness gives me great joy. As does simply being with him. I'm so grateful. Yeah yeah yeah... having love like this in my life makes me so incredibly happy to be alive.

💖💖💖💖💖💖

This is My Bliss

2017-11-26T20:49:00.000-08:00

I just spent 4 of the most incredible days of my life with my boyfriend. I honestly believe we fell in love with each other all over again. Four days of making love, holding one another, professing our love, having intimate and meaningful discussions, laughing together, enjoying delicious meals together, etc. Our own personal Cockaigne, a land of delightful pleasures devoid of pain. I feel so at ease right now. My fears of losing him and doubts about his feelings for me have been absolutely assuaged. He showed me his love for me. He held me, his hand on my face and told me how much he loves me and how happy he is to be with me. Every time he tells me he loves me, my heart palpitates. Every time he touches me, I melt. Blood rushes to my genitals. He makes me wet and hungry. And then he satisfies my every need. Not just how he makes me cum over and over again. He holds me post coitus. He kisses me softly and he makes me feel safer than I ever have in my life.

I have never felt so loved before... and by someone so beautiful, inside and out. I trust him completely. He would never hurt me, emotionally or physically. I can't believe someone so wonderful, smart, handsome, and sweet has chosen me. But maybe I should b/c I have made great strides. He is proud of my progress. That means so much to me. I'm proud of him too. I'm honestly in disbelief. I have wanted him for so long. I pined. I cried. I prayed. I never gave up hope. It's hard to believe he is actually mine again and that he truly is happy to be mine and happy to call me his.

I am so in love. I hope everyone in the world can feel this way, can find the person that makes their life complete. The world sure as hell would be a much more peaceful planet.

My life is so good right now it's surreal. My hard work has been rewarded with a raise and I'll soon receive a generous bonus. I'm thankful for my 4 jobs and that I have an opportunity to work hard and save money to move to California. I'm so grateful for my family and my close friends. My dog is a loyal and loving companion that brightens all my days.

Less than a month til I have another 4 days of bliss with my lover in LA. He has no idea how good this thing is going to be and it will just get better and better. I'm going to love him so hard and show him so much kindness. This is forever. I'm going to marry this man. I'm going to having his beautiful children. All my life I've dreamt of finding a loving man that I adore and starting a family and being a mother. I believe he is going to make all my dreams come true. And I'll do my best to do the same for him. He honestly inspires me to be my best self. That's what he deserves. He helped me on to a better path a year ago... a path of self discovery, healing, and of reestablishing a loving relationship with myself.

Billy, you are my world. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for loving me. It is the best gift I've ever received... besides the gift of life I got from my parents. I love you. 💗💖💕💘

Dear Grandma (Hannelore Hoffman)

2017-11-14T20:50:00.003-08:00

You passed away June 10th and I'm feeling it more now than I did then. Why do the holidays make loss so palpable? I held your frail hand as you lay dying and told you how much I love you, for that I am grateful. You're gone now though. There will never be another Thanksgiving at your home in Florence, TX. I'll never taste those artery clogging mashed potatoes made with 2 or more sticks of butter again. They were so good. I'll never hear your thick german accent so full of love calling me your little princess. I took you for granted the past several years... I was so lost in my own mental illness and shame that I just dipped out of most familial obligations. I'm so sorry for that. There will never be another Christmas at your house... another gift accompanied by your reminder that this was "something to remember you by"... all of those gifts lost when I left my ex fiance in 2012 and he burnt up all my belongings. That's neither here nor there. I have been through hell and back. I'm alive and grandma, I remember you. Your DNA is alive in me. I will never forget you. I burst in to tears at work this evening... thinking about your laugh and your life and how painful and lonely it was for you at the end. I am mourning you.

That day was especially lovely. Your sister was visiting and you went to put on lipstick to look pretty for photographs and it was smeared unevenly... like a prostitute in an alley. Somehow it was the cutest thing ever.

That is us in 2008, after your maybe 2nd heart attack. I think I freaked you out b/c I asked you if you were scared to die. You were. I was manic at the time... my 2nd serious manic episode that lasted months and months. I probably freaked you out. I was scared for you... and scared about mortality in general, particularly my own. In between my suicidal idealizations, were black out inducing anxiety attacks seeded by the fear of death. What a truly terrifying time in my life. I thank god every day for the stability I possess and cherish now.

This motion blurred photo was taken subsequently and I don't believe we moved the camera during the selfie. Overexposure probably... but I liked to think it was my grandfather making an appearance... letting us both know we weren't alone. I liked to think that it meant SHE was not alone b/c he died so many years before her.

But my grandmother... she is gone. And I can't stop crying. Soon, my other grandparents may be gone. One day my parents will be gone. And while I've pretty much let my brothers go b/c they have written me out of my life... the thought of their loss saddens me too.

I'll be ok and hopefully so will my Daddy. He lost his Mama after all. These holidays will be so hard for him. I suggested he find solace in his grandchildren who adore him. I will be there for him for Thanksgiving.

I'll be ok. I am so fucking happy. I am in a relationship with an amazing man who loves me. I love this man more than I have ever loved any person on this earth. He is a beautiful soul and it's likely we will have a loving and prosperous life together. All I want in this world is to make however slightest difference, to make a lasting impact... and to grow old with Billy. Maybe we will have some kids. Perhaps they will have kids... And one day my grandkid will write a blog like this about me after I pass. If blogs are even still a thing in the future. They probably will... Thank you for reading.

me / moon

2017-11-08T19:59:00.001-08:00

This morning I had to pinch myself I'm so happy. My dreams have come true. Billy and I have reconciled and are back together again. Furthermore, he is visiting me in Austin for Thanksgiving! Needless to say, my visit with him in LA was wonderful... as was seeing Lana Del Rey w/ Miss Cassie. LDR (Lana Del Rey) was life changing... and my life was also changed by entering into a different kind of LDR (long distance relationship). I have also made some plans for the next few months and set a date to make my permanent move to Los Angeles.

I'll be working one more season as a manager at Liberty Tax (evenings and weekends) in addition to my position as Trust Lead at the asbestos law firm where I currently work. I will also continue doing brand ambassador work on the weekends. April is when I make my move and it looks like I'll be subletting my friend's place in Los Feliz indefinitely in exchange for providing him a free place to stay when he is in town. It's a really nice area and will be mostly furnished so it is... FUCKING PERFECT. Things are really falling in to place and I am so happy. I'm not even waiting for the other shoe to drop b/c I have been working super hard and will continue to do so. I have pined my ass off to be with the man I love and he sees now that I am bigger than my past mistakes. He still loves me and he has chosen to be my partner in life again. I am so blessed. He is amazing. I have not and never will love another man the way I love and adore him. I vow to treat him with utmost respect and kindness as long as I am graced with his partnership.

It's likely I'll be attending Lana's show here in Austin in February thanks to Louis. Hopefully with a plus two for Lorelei and Cass! I love my girlfriends! Hopefully I'll get to catch up w/ LL tomorrow or Friday. Sunday my friend Lauren returns from CA and I'm picking her up from the airport so we can have lunch and catch up. Lauren is an aspiring actress and I suggested to her that she hightail it w/ me to LA in April and share the apartment w/ me. After all, what better place to have such aspirations? She's really talented too. She showed me some of her work.

All I wanna do in LA is find a stable, interesting career that pays well and provides health insurance so Billy and I can eventually get our own place and start a lovely little family. I love him so much! And I really fucking love California. I have visions in my head of us and a toddler spending days on the beach... or family camping trips when our kiddo is a little older. We could have such an incredible little life together. I don't need or want much. I want him, a family, and a career that makes some positive differences in this world.

So Billy arrives Thanksgiving evening and I am taking him to 24 Diner for a Thanksgiving meal. The next night we will have a romantic and hopefully ghostly stay at The Driskill. I may even introduce him to my parents... I hope he likes Sparkle! 💖

I can feel myself getting sick... chest cold maybe. It's cold and rainy and I should get some rest. Thanks for reading! Xo

una mas semana

2017-10-20T10:44:00.000-07:00

Half way through Friday and I'll get to celebrate the cessation of a long ass week. One week from now exactly I'll be in LA... possibly hiking Runyon with Michelle or visiting Dustyn and River. I can't wait!!! I actually got up at 5am and hit the gym. For some reason I was wide awake extra early and I made the most of it. Sparkle and I also had a nice walk after the gym. She stopped to sniff every other thing so it wasn't a very long walk. Haha. Love that girl.

I've decided to put my lunch hour to use by walking this week and it's been great. I've been getting about 10,000 steps a day. It's not good to be so sedentary all day in an office. I am close to my fitness goals and need to keep it up.

Tonight should be fun. Supposed to get together w/ my girlfriend for dinner and maybe a couple drinks. The rest of the weekend I will be busy doing demos and pet sitting for my parents. I really hope the time flies til next Friday! 💗

busy AF

2017-10-18T20:56:00.002-07:00

I was driving to my evening job and the sky was a dark blue resembling the ocean. I can't wait to plunge in to it next week... in the form of a plane to Los Angeles. Aside from that long weekend in LA if you're wondering what I am doing any point in time for the next few months the answer is: working or sleeping. There will not be much in between. The goals have been set and I'm determined to meet them. There are much bigger things that I want than just relocating to Los Angeles. I long to use my degree and have a career where I am making a decent living while protecting or improving environmental conditions. All I can really do now is stay positive and keep working hard at what I am doing right now.

Camp Flog Gnaw is a little over a week away and we still don't have a schedule! How frustrating. I just wanna know when Lana is playing so I can plan that weekend accordingly. I have been bringing my lunch to work every day and cooking dinner a) to save money and b) to lose weight. At 128 lbs I look good, but not great. I want to be super in shape, but my evening job will solve that quickly. Walking up and down stairs. My weekend jobs as brand ambassador (for an awesome charitable dog food and for different types of liquor) pay really well.

My scrimping and saving will be rewarded on my mini-vacay though! I plan to eat a lot of awesome food while I am there... hopefully accompanied by Billy. I should be spending most of the weekend w/ him, but at this point I have learned to expect the worst from him. He may go AWOL as soon as I get to LA and ghost me yet again. I really hope that doesn't happen, but if it does I will know it's definitely time to let him go and open myself up to the idea of being w/ another man. I'm hopeful, but realistic.

To be honest, yes I am very excited to see him for longer than 2 hours. For the first time in almost exactly a year. We can get high, have sex for hours, go have an awesome dinner somewhere, eat donuts in bed, wake up and go eat brunch, hold hands, make out, etc..... Yeah I really hope all that and more awaits.

I miss my LA besties a lot. I'm pretty damn lonely in Austin aside from a couple cool friends.

donuts are delicious

2017-10-11T10:21:00.004-07:00

Last night Todd and I went to a free stand up comedy show at Gourdoughs and got the most amazing cheesecake stuffed donut w/ strawberries. Then we witnessed a seriously painful heckling interaction between a douchebag and a comedian (Christina Parrish) where she ended up annihilating his vape puffing idiot ass. Hehehe.

It is so gorgeous outside I should go for a walk on my break. I'm training someone at work (AGAIN) and dear god, it is brutal. The only thing more boring than what I do, is watching people do it... Bleh. It is now my favorite time of year. I love when its 55-65 degrees outside! I need more sweaters.

I have a plethora of Tasty Bites Indian Food non-perishable meals and I have decided these will be my lunch for the next 3 weeks. Yogurt for breakfast. Shit from HEB for dinner. NO MORE EATING OUT. Must save money and must go to gym a lot. I start my weekend job doing demos on Saturday. Hope it goes well!

God I love Curb Your Enthusiasm. I have been enjoying old episodes lately while I work.... when I'm not having to train new people. The first 2 episodes of the current season have been great. :)

all good things

2017-10-09T19:22:00.001-07:00

People continue to read this blog thus I feel compelled to update it periodically. Can I just tell you how incredibly happy I am? Look, I'm full of shit. I was just saying a couple weeks ago that my happiness is not contingent on my relationship status with Billy, but that is a lie.

Sure, I could be happy with out him... it would probably take years. Who knows? I get asked out... a lot. I say no... always. So I havent really opened myself up to the possibility of being with another man let alone falling in love with one. I don't want to. I just want him. When I don't talk to him for a while I feel despondent. But after he called me last night and we talked, well I still feel elated and so looking forward to seeing him again. Less than 3 weeks now!

It's so likely we will be together again and I find myself daydreaming about our impending life together in California. It feels me with such joy and excitement. In the meantime, there is much work to be done and money to be made to make the aforementioned a reality. It's possible, but it won't be easy.

I got to visit with my grandfather for a bit today. I realized how much he's aged and felt a pang of fear that he and my grandmother may not be around for that much longer. I could be wrong, but I did lose my Grandma Hoffman last May. I'm definitely not ready to lose my last 2 remaining grandparents! I love them so much.

Six months ago, my life was so lonely and depressing. I has very few friends or had just lost touch w/ some of the ones I did have. And I didn't think I would ever see Billy again. I had gotten fat from excessive ice cream consumption. Haha. Things are so much better now. My last trip to Cali really helped me. More than seeing Billy, spending time with Michelle and Cassie was also really reaffirming that I have value as a person and as a friend. I was really lacking in feminine energy in my life. And then I reconnected with Lorelei here and made friends with Lauren. I feel so blessed to have some really good friends!

I am starting a 2nd job this weekend and a 3rd next week. I will have zero free time which is good b/c I will be spending lesson recreational activities. Work and sleep. But California is the endgame. I'm a very driven person and if I want something bad enough, I'll make it happen. So here I go.

Lena Del Rey

2017-10-06T06:30:00.002-07:00

I have the day off and I slept in until 8am! I get my stitches out at 11 and after that I'm getting some mutha effin' ramen at Daruma!

Last night, Todd and I went out and had a blast. We had some drinks at Valhalla, went to watch a band (Los Coast) play at Valhalla, and then got some grub at Arlo's. What a fun night and that band was amazing!

Later I will be putting some much needed time in at the gym after that huge peach fritter yesterday and week of no working out b/c of the stitches. I'm a little fluffy ATM.

3 weeks until Lana Del Rey! And LA! Soooooooo stoked.

💗

💔

2017-10-05T15:59:00.000-07:00

Feels sad.
Craves fat and sugar.
Walks to donut shop on break to buy donut.

Buys donut bigger than face. Peach fritter with cream cheese icing.
Cries while eating 1/4 donut. Gives 1/4 to the only coworker I kinda don't hate.
Goes home from work.
Strips down.
Stares at body in mirror to assess level of fatness.
Decides not too fat.
Eats remainder of donut while crying.

work work work

2017-10-02T19:33:00.006-07:00

Well I've picked up one other part time job to help supplement the income I am missing since I lost my Facebook gig. It's a trash valet at an apartment complex, picking up garbage and recycling outside people's doors from 8 to 11 Sunday through Thursday. And the pay is not great either. The draw is getting paid to walk up and down stairs for 3 hours 5 days a week though. Haha. I will be in such good shape! This is temporary too. Also, I will be so busy working my day job and this job, I will not have time to go do frivolous activities like drinking and dining out. So I'll be spending less and making (a little) money.

Tomorrow after work I have an interview for a banquet staff position on the weekends. Pay is $15/hour and its for weekend events. That's decent pay for banquet staffing. I've done the work before and know what to expect. I used to work weddings in Driftwood many years ago. It wasn't bad except for the time the best man grabbed me and shoved his tongue down my throat. That was... alarming. I guess I looked irresistible that day. That or the open tequila bar... or both. So if I get that job I will be busy weekends doing that.

Both aforementioned jobs together will still be less money than what I pulled in working for Facebook, but an extra $1000 a month is essential if I want to have enough money to move to LA. Rather than be bitter about losing that awesome job, I choose to be grateful that I had it as long as I did. And I choose to be proactive about finding solutions to remove any obstacle that stands between me and my goals.

My goals? Move to California. Find a great job using my degree. And be with the man I love. I was pretty much standing in my own way and my own obstacle for the latter. Mostly doing things that pushed him further away. I don't think I am doing that anymore. When I left LA last year and Billy ended things and cut off contact, I fell in to such a deep depression I lost my sense of self and any direction that I had. I got kinda obsessed too... believing he was the only thing in this world that would make me happy. Which is ridiculous b/c I was a mess when I was his girlfriend. I do believe we could be very happy together though and that we compliment each other well. I don't need him though and I no longer believe that he is the be-all end-all and essential to my happiness.

Honestly, I have my doubts about him lately. He has not shown me much kindness in the past year. I made mistakes and ruined our relationship and he was rightfully angry and pulled away. However, I've since made great strides and feel that it would be a good time to start anew with him. At least, that is what I want to propose when I see him next. I'm at an impasse for how things are currently. I really hope he is willing to give us a real chance again. To talk to me daily and to come visit me in Austin... and to make plans to start a life together when I move back to California.

I feel a lot of relief knowing that I'll be ok... and even happy eventually... should Billy choose not ever be with me again. Since I saw him, I have not been preoccupied worrying about him. I've been focused on my own life and goals. Though I'm blissfully content that he is a part of my life and that I get to look forward to seeing him again soon.

Today/last night was a sad day. ~58 people shot in Las Vegas and we lost Tom Petty. 😓😔 Tom Petty will always remind me of my dad. 💕

thinking about ice cream

2017-10-01T17:43:00.000-07:00

I can't figure out if I like marijuana or not. I sometimes enjoy edibles, other times it makes me alarmingly introspective and worrisome over nothing. I would much rather have edibles than smoke b/c of my asthma, but prefer the effect of just smoking a little pot. What a conundrum.

I am so bored! I've been pretty sedentary b/c of the stitches on my chest (where my derm removed the margins of a severely dysplastic mole). It was such a gorgeous weekend. I wish I could've gone swimming, biking, etc. I did go see Dave while he was working last night and that was fun. I shouldn't allow myself to get bored. I should find a good book to read.

I met a labradoodle that I may be pet sitting over Thanksgiving. She is a super sweet dog and I'd be staying at a condo on Rainey which would be fun being right on the hike and bike trail. Just gotta see if Sparkle and dog get along. I hope they do. 😊

I honestly do like my job but I wish it paid more. Now that I've lost my gig w/ Appen, I have been looking for a 2nd job. 2 interview this next week. Nothing great, but I just wanna be making as much as I can so I can move as planned.

Curb Your Enthusiasm tonight. Yay!

:-(

2017-09-28T10:09:00.003-07:00

I'm feeling very discouraged. My awesome contract position rating ads on Facebook has been terminated as of yesterday. I got notification that they had received all the data needed from me and that day would be my last. All of my status reports had been good so it wasn't an issue of performance. I can't be mad b/c it's a contract job and there was no guarantee of how long I would have it. I had been working for the company for years already. That is $1500 I won't be making every month now. Hence my disheartenment. Also, I was banking on that income to help my transition in to becoming an Angeleno. It would've really helped to move there knowing I would still at least have that part time job to keep me afloat. I'm remaining positive though. I need something part time in additional to my full time job though. I'm looking! And remaining hopeful.

Yesterday my dermatologist removed the margins around the severely dysplastic mole that was biopsied a few weeks ago. So I have a big cut above my right breast that is stitched up. It hurts so much! And now I am not supposed to work out for a month. There is a strong likelihood that it could scar poorly or become a keloid. I'm pretty bummed about all the aforementioned. I was wanting to work out a lot in the next month to look really sexy when I see Billy next. Bleh.

Well, I really hope I can still move to LA as planned in February. And I hope this scar heals nicely. And I hope that Billy is looking forward to seeing me as much as I am him.

happy thoughts

2017-09-24T18:53:00.003-07:00

My belly is full of ramen and house made ginger caramel soft-serve. Daruma is so delicious. Now I'm snuggled in bed next to Sparkle about to watch Ray Donovan. Life is really good and I have so much to look forward to in the coming months! I've been reflecting a lot on where I was last year and the poor choices I made. I have definitely come a long way since then and I've learned a lot.

First and foremost, I am soooooooooo excited for my next trip to LA in a month! I'm almost as excited to see Billy as I am to go to Camp Flog Gnaw and see Lana Del Rey! Haha... well I'm more excited to Billy actually, but that says a lot b/c I am obsessed w/ Lana. I'm really excited to attend the festival w/ Cassie. I know we are going to have a blast.

I'm looking forward to fall. I've outgrown Austin and I am ready to move, but I can't deny my fondess for fall, winter and spring here. The weather is so lovely. I really want Billy to come here in November to see me. I hope he is willing. I can take him to do fun Austin shit... eat tacos, Alamo, greenbelt, etc.

Recently I reunited with an old friend after about 15 years. Marijuana. My formative years were fueled by it... it made me feel light, relaxed and happy. Then early 20s, it changed and made me feel uneasy and paranoid. I enjoyed some while I was in LA last month and once again, really enjoyed it. I am not thrilled about how it's still illegal here though. I try to stay out of trouble. When I move back to Cali, I'll be enjoying it every evening. I love hitting the gym and going home and eating an edible.... followed by enjoying a delicious dinner and sleeping so good. Midsummer I was plagued by insomnia and feeling a bit hypomanic. It was causing me quite a bit of anxiety. The past month I have been sleeping so well and have been super relaxed. No anxiety. It's pretty amazing.

Billy

2017-09-24T11:51:00.001-07:00

Billy has been in the desert for a week or so and will be there for another week. I miss him so much. I'm not like agonizing or anything, but I think of him often and I smile a lot knowing I'll be seeing him again in a month. I also get so horny thinking about him b/c he is so freakin irresistible.

He is such a great kisser. I love the way he smells. He just has the best heart and I know I am a better person when I am with him b/c he brings out the best in me. Finding a person who just innately makes you want to be better is so great. More than the (incredible) sex though, I really really miss spending time with him. I can't wait til we can spend time together like we used to. Waking up early to get coffee before he goes to work, walking to noho park and hanging on the swing set, just sitting by the pool and talking for hours, kissing on the metro.... sigh. The night he took me to Santa Monica was so perfect and magical.

Yeah, I'm in love. I can't imagine ever not loving him. I really hope we can make this work. I know I will never find anyone like him. 💕

Sabado

2017-09-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

I am having such a lovely weekend. Last night LL and I went to Lee's and had so much fun. Had some cocktails, smoked some weed, swam, and sat in the hot tub. I fell asleep eating some caramel and cheese popcorn. Hehe. I forgot how beautiful it is out at the ranch in Lakeway. I have so many memories there too... Mostly good ones. My engagement party was a wonderful night even if the engagement ended tumultuously. God, I am so glad I didn't marry Stan. We were not a good match and I can't even imagine having to live in Dallas again. To be honest, I can't imagine why I would ever even go to Dallas again.

Going to hear some bands play and celebrate my friend's bday tonight. Should be a lot of fun, but I fully intend to call it a night around midnight. I'd like to go bike ride in the morning if I can get up early enough! I miss biking every day so much. No where to put it in the RV though. I'll probably bike more when I move to LA. I will definitely attend CicLAvia!

I did something I probably shouldn't have today. I texted my sister in law to state how I didn't appreciate how rude she was to me at my grandmother's funeral in May and also say she's a horrible person. It was beneath me and I shouldn't have done it, but I had a dream about her and just woke up steaming mad. I probably won't ever talk to her again. She is a shitty person and so are my brothers. I don't need people like that in my life.

Ok must shower and get pretty go out. I am hanging out w/ a new girlfriend I met last weekend. Yay! 😊

Cancer, Ramen, Friendship, Love and Stuff

2017-09-18T19:55:00.001-07:00

Today I heard back from the dermatologist and found that the mole they shaved off above my breast is severely dysplastic, which basically means the dermatologist is really concerned about melanoma, but does not want to call it that. So they are going to have to go back in and cut the skin around it out (OUCH) and it will leave a big ugly scar. It is adjacent to my Batman tattoo that I am in the middle of having removed with laser treatments. I just feel like my chest is already ugly with shitty tattoos and now it will have a big scar... but I digress. At least it was caught early and I am not dealing with melanoma. After going through Russ' cancer, I hope I never have to do that myself or anyone that I love!

I was training someone on my project remotely at work today and so I wasn't able to binge watch The Office while I mindlessly submitted claims. What a disappointment! Haha. God, I want to get that FEMA job, but it's probably a long shot. I should know better than to get my hopes up about a federal job after the disappointment I felt with EPA.

Lorelei and I went and had ramen at Daruma on Friday and I've been craving it ever since. Friday I got the veggie ramen bowl and I went back after work today and got the tofu miso ramen. God was it delicious!

So delicious! L and I have a blast hanging out and I'm so glad we met in Newport Beach last year. What a crazy, wonderful, and beautiful summer that was... A month before I met Lorelei, Billy and I met and hung out for a few hours and the next night he took me to Tamashii Ramen House in NoHo. Our first date. I wonder if it is still open. If it is, he and I should go back there... to where it all began. Haha. Ramen and true love. 😊💕

FEMA

2017-09-17T18:13:00.003-07:00

My period came about 5 days early this month and I was mildly disappointed to know Billy had not knocked me up. Realistically I know this is a good thing b/c we are not back together yet and not in the best position to be bringing life in to this world. I really hope we do someday! Lately I've been thinking about how I would love to be a foster parent once I am settled in LA. I think it would be really wonderful to open up my home to a child in need and provide them a safe space and lots of love. I have a lot of love to give. I really hope Billy and I get back together and its as wonderful as it was when we were together before. It would be so amazing to start a life together and later on, a family.

Today I applied for 6 contract positions with FEMA to go to Houston and assist in disaster relief for 3 months. I have some experience and skills that would make me pretty useful in that capacity. The experience I'd gain would also be invaluable. I really hope I get it! The pay is great and once I finish the assignment, it would be time to make the move to LA. I want this so bad! But I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I am praying though. It is a wonderful opportunity. My education, experience and skills are going to waste at my current job. And my compensations leaves a lot to be desired. 🙏🙏🙏

I got TABC certified so I can start doing beer, wine and liquor demos. Probably one a week on the weekends. Easy money and I am just trying to save as much as I can for my move. I am probably going to try to walk a few dogs with Wag a week. I miss my pet sitting business and spending time with lots of awesome dogs. I have been having so much fun going out with friends, but it has also been kinda expensive. I need to find more inexpensive activities for socializing. I did have a fantastic weekend though. Hung out with some good friends and made some new friends.

Just counting the days til I get to see Billy again. I can't wait to spend time with him. 😊💕

Please Help Dan!

2017-09-13T20:28:00.000-07:00