Authentic Parenting

Quote of the Day

2012-05-25T18:00:00.000+02:00

“Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.” -unknown

Silencing the Voices in My Head

2012-05-25T07:30:00.000+02:00

Welcome to May edition of the Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival, hosted by Authentic Parenting and Mudpiemama. This month’s topic is “Parenting Practices and Criticism”. Please scroll down to the end of this post to find a list of links to the entries of the other participants. Enjoy!

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Like most of us, I was raised to believe that expressing 'negative' emotions was wrong, that one should always behave in public, obey and that there's no room for authenticity. Like many of us, I was also very bad at following these rules and often felt the consequences.

For my children, I had decided that I would take a different path. I would allow my children to feel, to experience and to be themselves.

Now that's pretty simple in theory, but in reality it is ever so hard.

Allowing my children to express negative emotions, speak in tones I was prohibited and not to ask "how high" when I say "jump" is the hardest thing. Often I find myself being triggered and I want to respond in anger.

Mostly, I am not merely being triggered by my children's behavior, but by the voices in my head.

"You see, this parenting style is leading you nowhere."
"She's walking all over you."
"People are watching."
"She should know by now."

These are just a couple of examples, but sometimes these voices get so loud, they deafen all reason in me.

But all is not lost.

As soon as I realized the dynamic of this nagging in my head, I knew I could break it. Here's how:

1. I realized that being close to certain people makes the voices louder, so I moved a continent away.
2. Whenever I start wondering about what people think, I regroup, draw myself closer to my child and wonder about what she might be feeling instead.
3. I realized that what counts isn't the way strangers or others outside my core family unit think of me, what matters is my family's health and happiness.
4. When I find myself in a situation where the voices are being triggered, I try to get out of that situation.

Self criticism of this kind is destructive and meaningless, moreover, it doesn't even generate from the self, it is incited by the faulty mind frames that have been passed on to us. Hearing these negative things inside your head and pinpointing when and why they arise is a huge step into healing your inner child and becoming a better parent.

What are your voices telling you and how do you deal with them?

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Visit The Positive Parenting Connection and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in the next Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Stepping out of the box and dealing with criticism — Stoneageparent shares how she deals with criticism over her parenting choices
BEWARE of Sanctimommy — Amanda at Blinded by the Light talks about how recognizing your own inner-sanctimommy and how it will facilitate ways to deal with other criticism in your life.
We're on the same team — Brittany from The Pistachio Project shares about how we should support and respect each other because we already get enough criticism from the outside world.
30 Responses To Parenting Criticisms — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares 30 ways in which you can respond to parenting criticisms.
A Case for the Dramatic — A smart-alec response to a stranger's view by Jennifer from True Confessions of a Real Mommy.
I Could Never... — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how the phrase "I could never" really means "I would never want to" and how owning our words and actions can lead to understanding and empathy.
Admiration For A Parent's Strength— Jennifer at Our Muddy Boots shares her admiration for parents who continue to make parenting choices in the best interest of their child even when those closest to them disagree.
Assumption Free Zone — Paige @ Baby Dust Diaries challenges us to cultivate kindness for everyone; even if you disagree with them.
Perfection, Criticism, Parenting and The Sock Police — Ariadne @ The Positive Parenting Connection is sharing how parenting has been an excercise in overcoming perfectionism and handling criticism.
Silencing the Voices In My Head — At Authentic Parenting, Laura writes about fighting her inner critic.
Tackled from the Sidelines — Marisa from Deliberate Parenting reveals what parenting choices she makes that are most often questioned and how she is coming peacefully to the defense of her decisions.
Different Strokes — Justine from The Lone Home Ranger shares the method she uses to explain her family's "crunchy" differences to her preschooler.

Let’s Get Smarter About Our Smartphones

2012-05-24T11:14:00.005+02:00

written by Liz Cohen

Hey, ‘modern moms’ - that sounds like a good classification for the lives we try to keep balanced, right? For instance, I work my days as a full-time marketing manager, my afternoons as a full-time children’s entertainer, my evenings as a full-time sheep herder, and no matter what time of day it is, I’m a full-time mom.

Image: philcampbell on Flickr

Level with me, fellow mamas: How do we manage to do it? Maybe I speak for a lot of us when I say I keep it (somewhat) together with my smartphone (an Android) - for work, for play, for distracting my kids, for finding out what happens when it gets dropped too many times… it’s constantly attached to me.

And, probably like every other multitasking mom out there, I often find myself taking a breath between daycare pickups wondering… is this lifestyle ok? There have been a lot of articles in mainstream media lately about cell phone radiation… How is it affecting us long term? Is it a greater risk for our kids? How much smartphone radiation exposure is dangerous? And, if too much exposure is an actual risk, how on earth would I even keep track?

Luckily, I’m a researching kinda gal so I’ll share the lowdown in a nutshell: Cell phone radiation happens because information has to be passed between your phone and base stations with high-frequency electromagnetic fields (the phone’s ‘connection’). Our phones have to work harder when they don’t have easy access to the signal from cell towers. When they work harder, our exposure to the radiation is greater.

Study after study has been trying to prove what many suspect - a clear connection between our cell phone radiation exposure and health risks, brain cancer being a notorious one (and ADHD through pregnant mothers a recent finding). On top of that, many a researcher believes the risks are definitely greater for our children who use cell phones, whose growing bones, tissue and brains are way more sensitive to harmful factors.

So while experts can’t warn us of specific risks with 100% certainty, there is a growing movement to practice the precautionary principle: lead a lifestyle that encourages preventing the exposure where possible, especially in our children. Use a headset or speakerphone instead of holding the handset to your ear. If the reception’s no good, try moving location. Or download a mobile app like tawkon, which alerts you when your exposure becomes too high so you can make instant changes during a call.

In the parents’ community, we’re all working full-time, whether it’s as corporate employees, freelancers, or, well, parental sleep shepherds and soccer practice stain-removers. Ditching our cell phones just isn’t in the cards for most of us. But we can be smarter about the way use our smartphones, especially with our kids.

About the author:

Liz Cohen works with the tawkon team, promoting smartphone health with a mobile app that alerts users when their exposure to cell phone radiation reaches high levels. Oh, and she's a dedicated mama with a smartphone.

Quote of the Day

2012-05-23T18:00:00.000+02:00

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” -Lao Tzu

Challenge the Moment; Love your Child. Three Real Alternatives to Spanking (rerun)

2012-05-22T22:28:00.000+02:00

Last week I read an article in Healthland/Time about Parents Spanking Their Kids. Very honestly, I did not find it surprising to read about parents that admit to using corporal punishment because I am very aware that it happens, across all socio- economic levels and different cultures.I do however find it unfortunate both for the children and parents. As the article states:

Children who are spanked occasionally are not thought to be significantly impacted later on, but those who are spanked regularly are more likely to have behavior problems that may escalate into antisocial behavior. They may also be at greater risk for anxiety disorders or depression and ultimately may be more likely to engage in domestic violence and child abuse as adults.

So parents displaying aggression and violence lead to children displaying aggression and violence…simple concept, yet something some parents are often not aware of. Further, research shows that spanking or swatting may work in the immediate moment but beyond that, in most cases, according to the researcher in the article “it's very ineffective."

In the long term, practicing things like attachment parenting, creating a lasting connection with your child, building mutually respectful relationships, having routines are all wonderful ways create a non spanking relationship with your child.

But let’s look at the moment of conflict, of disrespectful behavior, misbehavior, or sassiness whatever one wants to call it – that moment that makes you boil, you know which moment that is... what are the alternatives?

1. Count to 10 or 20 or 100 – whatever number you may need to re-center and calm yourself. Close your eyes or ask another adult to step in and be with the child if there is a safety concern. When you are calm, step back in and try to resolve the conflict through words. I once walked into the bathroom after having nursed baby and found my two year old had painted the bathroom walls with poop. Yes, real stinky poop. I counted to Ten in which time I realized it was my fault entirely for leaving him alone, without a plan of what he would do in the time I was nursing his sister. I took a deep breath and asked him if I could help him wash his hands and run a warm bath for him to play in. While he bathed, I cleaned the walls and when he was done bathing he helped dry up the now clean walls. He said drying the walls was hard work, I asked if he knew why they needed to be cleaned and his response was “I not going to make poop pictures on there again.” There was no spanking, no shaming. Also, no poop on the walls since!

2. Hold your child close until you have reconnected. Some call this a time in, or holding therapy. This is useful if a child is trying to hurt someone or themselves. By holding them (not with force, just to keep them safe) you can provide a safe place for the child to feel whatever range of emotions, sadness, anger, hurt, frustration. Not too long ago my five year old was very angry he could not find his conductor hat. Combined with the fact that we recently moved and he misses his friend, the lost hat was more than just a lost hat. He was angry enough to start kicking the sofa and then turning and kicking me for that final release of anger. It hurt but I scooped him up and sat with him on the sofa and said softly “you can be angry, you can be mad, I love you but you may not hurt me.” He started crying, sobbing even and slowly he started hugging me, and I hugged him back. Through tears he asked if I could help him look through “the whole entire stupid new house again.” I agreed and when he was calming I asked him to look at me so we could be connected again. That evening at bedtime when we were reading a story he said to me “I’m sorry I kicked you.” I didn’t expect, demand or request the apology, it just came when he was ready – it was genuine.

3. Put your hands behind your back and take three steps back from your child. Stop and think what is making you think that a swat is the solution and now find a real solution. Can you offer choices? Can you ask someone else to help? Can you re-state your request in a more appealing way to your child? Can you re-adjust your expectations of the situation and or of your child? When you have found a solution, put it into place and then for good measure go away and find a way to release your aggressive energy. For me it’s usually taking a pillow to the laundry room and yelling into it. Crazy, maybe, but it really works.

Lastly, if you fail your plan, go ahead and apologize, model asking for forgiveness, find a way to re-connect and next time try again. Parenting is after all a journey and surely there will be bumps along the way.

Have you ever had to challenge yourself to find and work with alternatives to yelling or spanking, what are they? Have you hugged your child today?

Peace & Be Well.
MudpieMama

About the author

Ariadne - aka mudpiemama has three children and two dogs. She practices peaceful, playful, responsive parenting and is passionate about all things parenting and chocolate. She believes parents and children should try to have fun everyday and love life.

Quote of the Day

2012-05-21T18:00:00.000+02:00

“Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.”-Tom Krause

Taking care of your baby - when they won't stop crying (rerun)

2012-05-21T16:32:00.000+02:00

Having difficulties soothing your child? You seem to have tried everything and he still won't stop crying? Don't fret.

Needless to say you have to make sure your baby is not hungry or wet. Maybe he's teething? If not, he's probably just tired and needs to get all those new impressions out of his system.
Most babies go through this at one time or other. Around six weeks, babies have a peek in their total crying time.

The most important thing to do is to remain calm. This is probably also the most difficult, because a crying baby can be nerve wrecking, and even more so because you are probably lacking sleep. Try to calm down anyway, take a deep breath. Babies pick up on emotions really quickly and if you are worried or stressed out, it will make them so. If it is really too much, try to get somebody else to take care of him for an a while, just the time for you to get your strength back. A lot of parents seem to benefit from pacing around with the baby (most times, the uncontrolled crying happens at nightfall, so this might not be the time to go for a walk outside). Even though this might not have instant results, at least it calms both you down. Humming or singing might work. Some babies like soft touches, others benefit from a more vigorous rub (depending how old they are of course). Maybe you could checkout baby massage, that calms down many a fussy baby. Just keep telling yourself that this too shall pass and mostly it is just a faze. Remember that your baby crying does not make you a bad mother.

If you are in need of reassurance, or your baby seems in pain, do not hesitate to contact your pediatrician.

This post is part of the 2010 API Principles of Parenting blog carnival, a series of monthly parenting blog carnivals, hosted by API Speaks. Learn more about attachment parenting by visiting the API website.

5 Great Ideas For Father's Day

2012-05-21T07:00:00.000+02:00

Content provided by Alex S.

Moms may get most of the credit for the rest of the year, but Father's Day is the time to recognize dads across the nation for their own valuable contributions to their families. If you are wondering how to really show your appreciation to a father or husband, consider these five fun activities sure to please the whole family:

Go Fishing
A relaxing day at the local lake or river may be the perfect Father's Day gift for an outdoorsy dad. Pack a picnic, some fishing rods and bait, and if you're lucky you may end up catching dinner!

Have a Barbecue
Celebrate Father's Day by cooking up some of his favorite foods on the grill. Hot dogs, steaks, hamburgers and corn on the cob all taste best when cooked over an open flame. To make the meal truly special, whip up some delicious potato salad and veggies to go on the side.

Go for a Hike
Spending time admiring nature is a great way for dads to wind down and shed some of the stress that comes with being a father. If you live in an area with scenic nature trails, a day of walking and fresh air may be the perfect prelude to a celebratory dinner.

Go to a Sports Game
It's an old stereotype that dads love their sports, but more often than not a father has at least one team that he follows religiously. You may not be able to get tickets for his favorite team right on Father's Day, but a day spent cheering at the stadium is the perfect present for any sports fan.

Take Fathers Day Portraits
What better way to commemorate Father's Day than through a handsome family portrait? Dress up the kids in their finest clothes, avoid any stain-causing juices and head over to the nearest portrait studio to mark the passing of another year. Fathers Day Portraits are a tradition for many families, and you may find that they soon becomes a source of cherished memories as your children grow.

Even the most selfless and giving father likes to know he's appreciated, and Father's Day is all about letting the men of the family see how much they are valued. A fun day with his family, doing something he loves, can easily make Father's Day dad's best day of the whole year.

Sunday Surf

2012-05-20T10:00:00.000+02:00

Continue your reading through the linky below. If you're surfing too, add your link below or over at Hobo Mama. The linky will go live every Sunday and you can add your link at any time during the week.
If you have a great post that would look good in Sunday Surf, feel free to email a link to mamapoekie at yahoo dot com.

Where is the Mommy-war for the motherless child, on Rage Against the Minivan
Surviving the Addition of Baby Number Two on Mothering
Bed Sharing and Cosleeping Research Overview on Evolutionary Parenting

If you're surfing, add your post to the linky at the bottom of this Sunday Surf. You can do that here or at Hobo Mama, your link will show up on both sites. Make sure to grab the new button either from the left sidebar or the Sunday Surf page, where you'll also find a little blurb about Sunday Surf you can copy for your post.

Birds & The Bees: Three Tips for Answering Tricky Questions (Rerun)

2012-05-19T16:15:00.000+02:00

One afternoon at the post office, while waiting in line, my four year old asked “Mom, how did Bella get into your belly?” Suddenly, every conversation ground to a halt and it felt as if all eyes were turning towards me and my pregnant belly. I’m quite sure all ears were attuned as I answered the question. Lucky for me, as it was my third pregnancy, it wasn’t the first time I was being asked that question so I had a quick and simple answer that was readily accepted. Truthfully, I felt quite relieved that it was just that question again and not like the very first time my two year old happily asked pointing to a cashier “Does he have a penis or a vagina?”

Often called tricky subjects: sexuality, birth, death to name a few can create quite some anxiety for some parents. Many parents that are otherwise confident with their parenting duties become flustered, nervous and otherwise confused as to how best handle such questions.

Helping children develop healthy thoughts and feelings on these subjects is so important; answering any such questions by being calm, honest and consistent can keep you from getting tongue-tied.

No matter how outrageous or inappropriate a question may seem it is important to remember that children are most likely just exercising their natural curiosity. Even if the question pops up in a situation that you do not exactly deem appropriate (i.e questioning a cashiers genitals), staying calm will help both you and your child figure out how to move on. Maybe you will be ready to answer the question in a matter of fact tone or maybe you will need to ask your child to give you some time to think. It is alright to be honest with your child if you need or want additional time to answer the question. Finally discussing with your partner any key pointers for tricky subjects so that your answers are always consistent can ease any tension around the subjects as well.

If you are not comfortable answering a question on the spot:

Instead of using statements that might shame your child like “how dare you ask that?” or “What are you thinking asking such a thing.” Try responding with words that can help you find space but provide reassurance to your child: “I cannot answer that question right now, but I can answer it when we get home. How about we talk about our favorite animals right now?” Do follow up with your child when you reach an appropriate place like home or your car. This last step will help your child not only have the answers to something she wants to know but also builds trust.

If you don’t quite understand what your child is asking:

Try to avoid statements that might upset or confuse your child like “That doesn’t make any sense” Or “Where did you get such a crazy idea.” Instead try to paraphrase their original question “Are you trying to understand what happens to people when they die?” Then follow up with a brief explanation and wait for your child’s lead. Quite possibly a short answer will suffice, if not new questions will surface giving you an opportunity to continue having a dialogue.

If you don’t know enough to answer the question:

Avoid statements that could discourage your child “why would I know that” or “I have not the slightest idea”. Instead, try explaining that you would like to find out more yourself about that very question “I will need to look that up before I can tell you more” or “Can we look this up together sometime?” Allowing your child to know that you need more information not only models lifelong learning it also gives you a great opportunity to learn something together.

That cashier from earlier, just in case you were wondering, answered the question directly to my son, smiling and matter of factly, that she does in fact have a vagina. To my relief, she also told me she was a mom and a grandmother to four equally curious children.

Have you ever been asked a question by your child and not really known how to handle it? What was the question and what did you do?

Peace & Be Well,

MudpieMama

Please join me at Positive Parenting Connection on Facebook for daily inspirations, ideas and resources for positive parenting!

Image credit: abpphotos

Five Rhyming Games to Play with Toddlers

2012-05-18T21:30:00.000+02:00

Toddlers love repetition and rhythm. Rhyming games, also known as finger-plays are fun, silly and joyful ways to spend some special time with a toddler.

Within the fun of rhyming games, toddlers can explore rhythm, vocabulary and language, sequence recognition, creativity, listening, coordination and memorization. It is also a really sweet way to connect with laughter and love.

These are five silly and easy rhyming games to play with toddlers:

I can make a heart
I put my hands together,
This is how I start.
I curve my fingers right around,
And I can make a heart!

Open Shut Them ( Using your hands, open and close them like a book, then follow along the words)
Open shut them,open shut them. Give a little clap.
Open shut them, open shut them. Fold them in your lap.
Creep them, creep them Creep them, creep them. Right up to your chin
Open wide your little mouth But do not let them in.

Hands on your hips
Hands on your hips, Hands on your knees,
Hands behind you if you please!
Touch your shoulders, Touch your nose,
Touch your hair, Touch your toes!

Ten Red Apples
Ten red apples grow on a tree( Reach Both hands up high)
Five for you and five for me. (Bring forward one hand and then the other)
Let us shake the tree just so(Shake your whole body)
And ten red apples will fall below(Fall backwards or sit down)
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. (Count out each finger or little toes)

Catch that Pancake!
Mix a pancake, (pretend to mix)
Stir a pancake, (pretend to stir)
Pop it in the pan;
Fry a pancake, Toss a pancake, (make a tossing motion)
Catch it if you can! (make catching motion)
*We like to play this one while playing with our play kitchen or some mixing bowls and spoons!

Does your child have a favorite rhyming game?
Looking for more ideas for play, fun and positive parenting? Come join the growing community on Positive Parenting Connection Facebook Page! See you there.

Peace & Be Well,

Image(s): FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Quote of the Day

2012-05-18T18:00:00.000+02:00

“Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.” -unknown

Quote of the Day

2012-05-16T18:00:00.000+02:00

“Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” -Jim Rohn

Call for Submissions: Authentic Parenting Carnival-May 2012

2012-05-15T08:00:00.000+02:00

Authentic Parenting, teamed up with Mudpiemama's: Positive Parenting Connection, will be hosting the May Carnival of Authentic Parenting on May 25th.

This months topic: Parenting Practices and Criticism

Parenting isn't easy, especially if you parent in a style that is unique to yourself and your family or if you make choices that are outside of the "norm".

This month, we will be focusing on how we deal with opposite views, how we deal with other people treating our children differently, criticism of our parenting choices or style.

Join us to share your advice, your experiences, your family's reactions and/or your frustrations to criticism related to parenting practices.

Submission Date: May 20th.
Carnival Date: May 25th

To enter, please compose a new post on the chosen topic and email mamapoekie {at} yahoo {dot} com and ariadne {at} brillweb {dot} net no later than 11PM GMT on May 20th 2012. Once you have emailed your submission please fill out the submission form: &lt;p&gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Loading...&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;

Are you Damaging Your Child by Demanding Obedience?

2012-05-14T14:30:00.000+02:00

In our current culture, parents are praised when their children are obedient – it’s a mark of good parenting. The quieter and the more obedient the child, the better. In truth, parents are doing a disservice to their children and to society when they demand that their children do exactly as they are told, no questions asked. In other words, expecting children to dutifully comply with their parents commands, right away, is not such a great idea in the long run.

Here are six reasons why obedience is potentially damaging and why you may want to reconsider demanding it from your child:

Demanding obedience damages self-worth.
When a child is made to do something, with no choice or reasoning, their sense of self worth is affected. They must override their own needs to do that which the commanding person expects. A child that is made to stop focusing on their own needs long enough will soon not even bother, afterall someone else will be dictating their needs for them.

Demanding obedience instills shame.
Along with overriding their own needs and damaging self-esteem, a child that has no say over their own body and choices will feel ashamed, over and over again. Being repeatedly told that a child has done something incorrectly and that they must instead do something in a certain way imposed by someone else causes emotional pain. This quote from Gershen Kaufman sums it up well "Shame is the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from within."

Demanding obedience is a set up for bullying: Parents often demand that a child follow orders and then threatens with consequences and punishment in the name of obedience. How is a child to recognize when a peer or stranger is bullying them, if this already happens at home? Even worse, a child will come to believe that relationships are built on a foundation of demands and threats and may turn into a bully himself. It’s actually quite a scary thought, but if we take the time to carefully examine the current culture which expects obedience from children at all costs and the ever rising number of problems with bullying in schools it’s enough to make one pause and think.

Demanding obedience hinders critical thinking.
A vital part of the learning process and development of a child is asking questions and exploring alternate outcomes. If a parent is making a child obey with phrases such as “Do this right now and just stop asking why!” or worse “Because I said so” they are ultimately denying the development of an incredible life skill; thinking!

Demanding obedience kills trust between a parent and child.
Parents can demand and then a child may do as their parent tells them but, ultimately the child will not feel good about what they did. In addition to damaging their self esteem, they will also start to question their trust in you as a parent. Why should a child want to do something, want to please their parent if it comes at a cost of feeling bad, unworthy and deflated? Children that are secure in their relationship with their parents tend to WANT to do what the parent asks but part of that security comes from being able to express themselves, question things, have their own ideas and still feel loved and wanted even if there are disagreements or difference of opinion.

Demanding obedience hinders the development of self-discipline.
Some parents nag and demand that their children dress, wash, finish homework, etc...and yet the struggle continues daily. The culprit? Demanding compliance and obedience. The thing is, constant pushing can make a child become dependent on or worse indifferent to those very reminders. A child may start to think “Why bother until that yell comes about” or "if they really mean it, they'll yell at me."

In no way do I mean to say children should not be getting dressed, doing homework, respecting limits and so on, but demanding obedience does not create the inner guidance to do what we know is best and correct for that moment, in fact it squashes it.

Do you find yourself demanding that your children be obedient? Frustrated that nothing works? You are not alone, after all, society really expects children to quietly behave and do as they are told, and of course it's sometimes much easier if our children would just do what we want. So, Wondering what to do instead of demanding Obedience?

On Positive Parenting Connection I am talking about: If not Obedience, then what? I hope you will join me over there and on the Positive Parenting Connection Facebook page. Until then,

Peace & Be Well,

Image: Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

2012-05-13T10:00:00.000+02:00

Unschooling

"9 Dangerous Things You Were Taught at School", great article on Forbes

Parenting

"Respect the "No"": a very important lesson manny adults still need to learn when it comes to children (and even when it comes to other adults), on Sleeping Should Be Easy.

Quote of the Day

2012-05-11T18:00:00.000+02:00

“Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” -Abraham Lincoln

Wouldn't you rather be Mom AUTHENTIC?

2012-05-11T13:18:00.000+02:00

I wrote this recently as a reflection on my journey of motherhood: Parenting is a journey filled with twists, turns, bridges to cross and roads that seem to never end and so many moments that take your breath away.

It rings true today, just as it did that morning as I sat nursing my toddler and typing away at the keyboard. There is a lot that goes on in this parenting journey. Hopes, dreams, wishes, fears, joys…

Parents don’t always agree with each other, of course not! We are all individuals and thank goodness for that! Some parents choose to follow attachment parenting, natural parenting, connection parenting, aware parenting…some parents follow an “expert” guide, some go by the seat of their pants, taking it in as they go along, some parents take classes, others ask their families for advice.

Regardless of if they breastfeed or formula feed, co-sleep or use a cot, choose positive parenting or behavior modification charts, one thing is very clear to me, the VAST majority of parents out there want to do well by their children.

Are there outliers, some that just don’t care, some that are too tired, stressed and forgotten by society to care? Sure. But the vast majority, yes, they want their children to succeed, be happy, be healthy, be contributing members of society.

Most parents are working really hard, be it from home or the office to give their children what they need and to create those breath taking moments and memories be it at soccer practice, at playgroup, in the family room, on vacation or the family bed.

The vast majority of parents also would like to feel more supported in their choices. Do standards, methods and parenting choices matter? Well, to a certain degree yes, children are people, they should be protected and entitled to a life without abuse, fear and stress.

However, much like we are individuals with different life styles and needs, it should not matter if we are ENOUGH based on some philosophy, photo or something else…

What really matters to us as parents and to our children is if we are AUTHENTIC - being faithful to our internal needs and instincts rather than external ideas imposed by some magazine cover, baby manual or words of an expert.

Breastfeeding is normal. Breastfeeding is beautiful. Yet, if breastfeeding makes a mother resentful, tied down, miserable, if there is no milk, if there just isn't the willingness, a medical issue, then can’t we respect the mother’s choice and needs? Yes, the baby has needs too, believe me I get that, I respect that, I breathe and live that, but breastfeeding is one tough, tough job, I know because I have had that job for six years. I even shared about that journey on Jamie Lynne’s Clever Cleavage feature.

But, some moms just have a different experience, different story, a different journey. For some moms, it’s smooth roads, for others it’s just too many bumps, twists and turns…. so let’s try to respect and support one another in our own authentic journeys.

I have read some shocking, nasty remarks about the now infamous cover photo on Time... Come on! Let's not make the beautiful women that have stepped up to show the world that breastfeeding is normal be the culprit here. Let's not create more war in a world that desperately needs PEACE, a world that could use some more enlightened, peaceful and hopeful individuals and a lot less greed, shock and confrontation. So let’s not worry about being ENOUGH, let's choose to be Authentic.

Seriously ladies, if mothers are not going to support each other, the very mothers that know just how incredibly hard all this motherhood stuff is then who will?

Peace, respect and kindness are amazing traits to model for our children. Let's celebrate our individuality. Let’s give each other this mother’s day and every day the gift of respect for our authenticity so the world can be full of amazing individuals.

Peace & Be Well,

Ariadne

Please join me at Positive Parenting Connection on Facebook for daily inspiration, ideas and resources for positive parenting!

Just A Silly Love Song? (rerun)

2012-05-10T08:13:00.000+02:00

I don't listen to the radio a lot, simply because we don't ave any in Congo. I'm not really up to date with music, but I get my dose when I'm in Belgium.
Last week, we were driving and the radio was on. I heard this new Belgian hit (you hear it everywear at least 27 times a day). It's a slow 'love'-song and it's really the hit of the moment. I bet lots of women drool over it and feel flattered when some special boy dedicates it to her, or asks the DJ to put it on. I bet new couples are making it 'their' song, maybe even the one they'll be slow-dancing to on their wedding one day. I can already see the sparkly eyes of young women, filled with romance and emotion.

Next to the fact that I don't like that singer and think the song really sucks, I am appaled.

Now why would I care about a silly love-song?

Here's some of the lyrics:
"I wish you were a little bigger, Not just big but really fat. Doors you would no longer fit through, In my bed you would have to stay"
"I often wish that you had feathers, I'd keep you in a giant cage. All day long I'd sit and watch you, I'd sing for you and that would be okay."
"I wish you were a little slower, Not just slow but paralyzed, Then I could plug you into a socket, So you could never run away."

The song is by Milow and is called 'You and Me', here's the music video for it, if you want to listen to it.

Is this really today's idea of romance? Of love? Is this what women are made to believe love is like? This has nothing whatsoever to do with love, but rather with obsession and abuse. How can one think this is a good idea?
Love is about trust and respect and a deep care for one another, not about possession and weird Stockholm Syndrome aspirations.

How is it that we live in a culture that romanticises this abuse? Have we really gotten nowhere? Is this what all these years of feminist activism has gotten us? Cultural adoration of distorted relationships?

This song is juts one example, but it is such a clear symptom of what is wrong with our society's view of love and relationships, that I could not let it pass.

I've gone on rather long for the sake of a post, but I promise, I will come back and talk about how stalking and manipulation are also idealized romantic fantasies.

Quote of the Day

2012-05-09T18:00:00.000+02:00

“You are the embodiment of the information you choose to accept and act upon. To change your circumstances you need to change your thinking and subsequent actions.” - Adlin Sinclair

Parenting – 5 Songs That Get It Right

2012-05-09T07:00:00.000+02:00

Written by Alayna Frankenberry

Being a parent is a bit like skydiving – not just because of that sensation of free-fall that all parents feel from time to time, but because it's just one of those life experiences you can't fully explain. You can't truly understand what being a parent means until you're one yourself, and even then it's hard to put into words. Then one day the radio serves up a song that gets it so right that you wonder if the singer's been peeking through your kitchen window or listening in on your long-distance phone calls. Sometimes these songs make you laugh and sometimes they make you cry, but they always remind you that you're not alone in this delightfully messy thing called parenthood. The next time you're feeling emotions you can't quite explain, just turn on one of these songs and sing along.

1. “A Boy Named Sue” by Johnny Cash – At first listen, “A Boy Named Sue” seems an unlikely candidate for Parenting Song of the Year, but if you stop and think about it, it's a song that hits pretty close to home. Growing up, we all have things we blame our parents for, from giving us unique names that act as bully magnets to dressing us up in hand-me-down overalls or conducting lengthy interviews with our terrified teenage boyfriends. When we become parents ourselves, we start to understand the method behind their madness. Sometimes we even adopt the same parenting strategies for our own children. Or, as with Johnny Cash's tormented protagonist, we swear not to let history repeat itself.

2. “Cat's in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin – Known for its ability to turn a grown man into a weeping child in under four minutes, “Cat's in the Cradle” is not for the faint of heart. Unfortunately, no parent-child relationship is perfect, and sometimes we don't realize how quickly the time is passing until it's too late. This is a truly heartbreaking song, but there's a silver-lining. When heard at just the right time, this song can serve as a wake-up call for neglectful parents. It can help them repair a distant relationship before it's too late.

3. “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack – If you've been to a wedding in the last decade, there's a pretty good chance you've heard “I Hope You Dance.” A favorite of father-daughter dances, this country classic details all the hopes a parent holds for their child's future, from finding love to keeping faith. Sure, some of life's curveballs are unavoidable, but this song isn't so much about wishing for a perfect future for your child. It's more about hoping they have the strength to weather the storm and to live the full breadth of life, not just the length. Or, as Womack puts it, “When you get the choice to sit it out or dance – I hope you dance.”

4. “Butterfly Kisses” by Bob Carlisle – There are few relationships as special, or as hard to put into words, as the one between a father and his daughter. Bob Carlisle paints a perfect picture of the father-daughter bond in his 2005 hit. The song examines the relationship between a father and his daughter from the time she's a little girl to the day he walks her down the aisle, and Carlisle perfectly captures that feeling of dumbstruck wonder that comes along with being a parent, with watching your child grow and change. “For all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right.” For such a simple sentiment, it says so much about what being a father really means.

5. “She's Eighteen” by Etta Britt – Being a parent isn't always easy, especially when your child hits their teens. But while you're sure to experience your fair share of arguments and even a full-fledged fight or two, sometimes the chaos is a blessing in disguise, an opportunity to see your son or daughter for who they really are and who they want to become. Those growing pains can be tough to handle, and Etta Britt from Wrinkled Records does them justice in her new blues rock hit “She's Eighteen.” The mother in the song stands at a crossroads as her daughter leaves home for the first time. Etta's plaintive voice echoes what so many parents feel as they watch their children mature: “I wish I could lock that door and throw away the key, but she needs to be free.”

How can you explain what it's like to be a parent? You can't – not really. Like sky-diving or that first special kiss, being a parent is something you have to experience yourself to truly understand. In short, it's complicated, and words are clumsy tools. But when you set those words to evocative chords and a delicious melody, something magical happens. Great songwriting has the power to unlock one's own emotions about being a parent or to conjure them in the heart of a bachelor. So the next time your life as a parent triggers emotions you can't quite describe, just play one of these songs and let the singer do it for you. And unless you're chaperoning a van full of teenagers to the mall, feel free to sing along.

About the author:
Alayna Frankenberry is a freelance writer who lives in Pittsburgh. She still cries every time she listens to 'Cat's in the Cradle."

And the winner is.

2012-05-08T07:30:00.000+02:00

The winner for the KIdsblanks giveaway is Jaclyn. She has won a 25USD gift certificate to kidsblanks.com
Congratulations!

Quote of the Day

2012-05-07T18:00:00.000+02:00

"Experience is the best teacher." -Proverb

The Truth about Circumcision

2012-05-07T07:00:00.000+02:00

Written by Angelita Williams

While infant circumcision—the act of surgically removing the foreskin of a newborn male’s penis-- is most popular among those who follow the Islamic and Jewish faiths, in America, circumcision for non-therapeutic reasons is surprisingly popular among the general population, whether or not they are religious. The World Health Organization estimates that the prevalence of circumcision in the United States is 75%, while for our Canadian neighbors to the North, the prevalence is only 30%. Circumcision in America is a perfect example of following a practice blindly just because it has always been done, while research shows no demonstrable medical reasons for doing so. Before you consider circumcising your baby, consider the following facts:

Circumcision is painful, both psychologically and physically.

There’s no getting around the fact that circumcision is a painful process, both during surgery and after, even if an analgesic is used. Surprisingly, many physicians do not even use any anesthetics. In some European countries like the Netherlands, the medical consensus is that routine, non-therapeutic circumcisions of infants violates their "rights to autonomy and physical integrity." The Dutch Medical Association issued a report that calls on doctors to inform parents of the risks and absence of medical benefits of routine infant circumcisions.
For infants, however, therapeutic reasons for circumcision are very rare.

Circumcision does not, as many think, promote penile hygiene.

This is one of the non-religious reasons that many parents decide to circumcise their babies. However, the American Association of Pediatrics maintains that there is little evidence suggesting that circumcision promotes hygiene.

Theories about the historic reasons for circumcision are frightening.

If you consider the various reasons that circumcision may have started in the first place, you’ll realize that it’s a superstitious and rather provincial practice. For example, at one point in time, circumcision was used as a “cure” for masturbation. In other cultures, it may have started as a practice used only on slaves and prisoners to symbolically castrate them.

Circumcision may reduce sexual pleasure later in life.

One study showed that adult males who voluntarily circumcised experienced substantially less sensation during intercourse after circumcision. Another study indicated that female partners experienced less pleasure as well. Depriving a person of a more enhanced and healthy sexual life without their consent is another reason that one can consider circumcision cruel.

Even if you are considering circumcising your child for religious reasons, remember that there are many religions traditions practiced for centuries that people today of that faith don’t follow. You can still be a faithful member of your religion without circumcision.

About the author:
This guest post is contributed by Angelita Williams, who writes on the topics of online courses. She welcomes your comments at her email Id: angelita.williams7 @gmail.com.

Sunday Surf

2012-05-06T10:55:00.000+02:00

Really short surf this week, because I've got very little internet time and have been busy busy! Continue your reading through the linky below. If you're surfing too, add your link below or over at Hobo Mama. The linky will go live every Sunday and you can add your link at any time during the week.
If you have a great post that would look good in Sunday Surf, feel free to email a link to mamapoekie at yahoo dot com.

Unschooling

We've written about universal knowledge before, and wondered if there's anything an unschooler really needs to know. Swiss Army Wife takes a fresh look on the question in "5 things your unschooler needs to know".