Autism, Chicago & Me

Help IS NOT on the Way

2012-02-02T16:20:00.003-06:00

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
– Martin Luther King,

I am outraged by the death of a 15year old child with autism, @ the hands of the Calumet City Police Dept.

A 15 year old child with autism was shot 1st shot in the torso and again in the head by officers within the Calumet City Police Dept.

Stephon Watts had autism. The Calumet Police Dept says they were aware of Stephon's neurological disorder before they arrived @ the Watts home. Stephon's family repeatedly reminded the 5 officers that came to their home that Stephon had autism.

Stephon Watts had autism.

People with autism have aggressive and violent tantrums. . The aggressive and violent tantrums are not because of bad parenting, a neglectful household or a rotten child. The aggressive and violent tantrums are due to autism.

My 9 year old son has autism and aggressive & violent tantrums. It is heartbreaking and fierce and I am often left with scratches that bleed for hours and arms that look like raw meat. This is part of autism.

2 years ago on a sunny, spring morning here in Chicago, in our cheap & cheerful rental, my child had a very bad tantrum. Not even our worse morning or tantrum. Apparently a neighbor called the police. As the tantrum was winding down (My son did not want to turn off his lap top and go to school - same circumstances as Stephon Watts) the door bell rang & it was the Chicago Police Dept.

The policeman asked if I was the only adult in the house & I said yes, as I stood there with arms bleeding form scratched and hands swollen from pinching. I explained my son had autism. the officers were dumb founded & asked if I needed help "Hell yes! I need help!" & the police left, no report was filed and I have never heard back from anyone regarding my affirmation that Yes, I needed help.

I am disgusted that a family had no other option than to call the police to help calm their 15 year old son who has a Neurological Disorder.

Stephon Watts & his family were in crisis. Stephon Watts & his family needed help.

Help.

Do we help members of our community in crisis?

Seems we do not.

Help IS NOT on the Way

2012-02-02T16:20:00.001-06:00

GOD HELP US

2012-02-01T16:54:00.001-06:00

A 15-year-old boy who suffered from an autism disorder was shot and killed by police in his Calumet City home after he threatened officers and cut one of them with a knife, police and the boy's family said.

The family called police this morning after Stephon Watts, who suffered from Asperger's syndrome, became upset and did not want to go to school, said his mother Danelene Powell-Watts. Asperger's is an autism-type disorder in which a person often has normal or high intelligence, but struggles with social skills and repetitive behavior.

Police were called about 8:30 a.m. to the home in the 500 block of Forsythe Avenue, an address that was familiar with police, said Calumet City Police Chief Edward Gilmore. "This is an address that's flagged in our system as having a autistic young man there who is very strong and likes to fight with the police."

Five officers were consequently sent to the home, Gilmore told a news conference. When they arrived, the boy was in the basement, holding a kitchen knife, Gilmore said. Two of the officers went to the basement and the boy "lashed out" with the knife and struck one of them in the forearm, Gilmore said.

"At that time, cornered and having no way to retreat back up the stairs, the officers fired one shot each, striking the (boy) twice," Gilmore said. "Unfortunately, the officer thought that his life was in jeopardy."

Gilmore was uncertain of where Watts was hit, but his mother said the boy -- who stood at 5-foot-10 and weighed 220 pounds -- was shot in the head.

The officer who was cut was treated on the scene by paramedics, Gilmore said.

Police have been to the home 12 times since June 2010, 10 times to deal just with this boy and domestic issues involving him, Gilmore said.

The 15-year-old had wielded knives before, including barricading himself in a bathroom with a knife, prompting police to call out a negotiator, Gilmore said.

On Dec. 10, Stephon's birthday, police were called after he punched his mother in the face, Gilmore said. The boy fled his home with a knife and officers gave chase, eventually hitting him twice with Tasers.

Both officers in today's shooting are on paid administrative leave until the completion of an investigation by Illinois State Police.

All Calumet City police officers last year attended a class dealing with people with autism disorders, and all 84 have been trained to deal with them, according to Gilmore.

Stephon's family arrived at Calumet City Police headquarters before Gilmore's news conference and said they were shocked that officers had to resort to shooting the boy.

"If the policemen had never been out to the house, I can understand that because they don't know the situation," said Wayne Watts, the boy's uncle. "It seems to me they would have known how to deal with the child because they knew him. To shoot the child, to shoot him. It's just too much. He's gone ... They knew he was sick."

Powell-Watts said she had trusted that police would not hurt her son, especially because "they know he is sick and they are trained to deal with someone that is sick.

"The way they did it, they didn't have to shoot him," Powell-Watts said.

bschlikerman@tribune.com

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..................

2012-01-29T17:12:00.001-06:00

This afternoon Joe & I went to my brother B's for our "every other week, meet & greet" and it was swell.

Fun.

B was welcoming and (almost!) comfortable with Joe & I in his apt. and Joe was appropriately curious and answered B's questions.

I am grateful to B for his time and willingness & effort.

The Meet & Greet made for a nice day.

Joe continues to be enthralled with Kreon's & Kre O Transformers & Lego's.

Noise.

Today there is a lot of noise. & I add to / create the noise.

Reminder: Be Quiet Kate

Ghost

2012-01-29T07:15:00.002-06:00

I woke up in the middle of the night and there was a gray haired woman, very pale, almost transparent wearing a white shawl sitting on my bed & rubbing Joe's back & talking with Joe.

I was not scared but closed my eyes.

& then I heard Joe laugh & say "no more tickling".

Grief twists your ideas & perceptions & images & thoughts.

I of course believe I saw my aunt Jill comforting my son or I had a dream of my aunt Jill comforting my son.

Yesterday Joe & I drove aunt Ellie to work, went to the post office, stopped for doughnuts! & cleaned up our apartment in preparation for our play date.

& our play date was great. Joe's school friend N. came over with his dad and sister L. All adorable & fun & pleasant & accepting of our circumstances & behaviors. & now we look forward to twice weekly visits with N.

& last night Joe declared "Movie Night". Joe made a sign "Movie Night 7p / 6p Central". While I made popcorn, Joe put pillows & blankets on the floor and set the DVR to Toy Story 3 & we had movie night & we had fun @ the end of a already great day.

& today Joe & I are going to Uncle Bobby's @ 1230n. My brother & I & Joe are working on building a relationship / bond between Joe & Uncle bobby. Every other Sunday. 30 minutes - 1 hour. 1 on 1 between Uncle Bobby & Joe.

& tomorrow Joe is back to school.

Oh, & me?

More of the Same

2012-01-24T16:13:00.002-06:00

& now I am thinking of the last sentence of my last post:

"I am being held hostage by autism".

OK -

I am being held hostage by my fear and anxiety regarding my child's autism. & more specifically. I am being held hostage by my fear and anxiety regarding my child's behaviors and mannerism caused by autism.

I am tired of defense. I am tired of explaining. & I wonder why the hell do I bother?

Today in Walgreen's, Joe & I were picking up a prescription. Joe was squawking. Not like a chicken - which would be clucking, but squawking. Sort of like a seal or a wild bird of some sort. Joe was also waiting patiently and was not harming anyone or himself. So squawks be dammed. We were getting our prescriptions.

& of course some jack ass said "how old is he?" "Oh, 9? Really?" "What's wrong with him?"

& this happens 50% of the time when Joe & I leave our apartment.

Ignore it? I do not ignore any comment regarding my child.

Take time to educate the person? Fuck them.

So I am defensive & angry & mean.

"Someday a child you love will have a very bad day and some ass hole like you will make your day worse"

"Is that your child? What is it like to have a totally average kids?"

"We live in this neighborhood, we spend our money here, we are members of the community so get the hell out of my way"

"Maybe 1 day you will get laid, have a child & your child will have a great deal of difficult managing a trip to Walgreen's. Or maybe you will never get laid".

"It's autism. It's contagious. Get away from us".

"I believe there is room for everyonne in this world. Everyone but ass holes".

& After Walgreen's we went to Whole Food's and on and on and on it goes.

& Joe does not have full blown autism. Joe has PDD/NOS. Prevasive Developmenatl Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

PDD-NOS is typically diagnosed by child psychiatrists, psychologists, or pediatric neurologists.[2] No singular specific test can be administered to determine whether a child is on the spectrum. Diagnosis is made through observations, questionnaires, and tests. A parent will usually initiate the quest into the diagnosis with questions for their child's pediatrician about their child's development after noticing abnormalities. From there, doctors will ask questions to gauge the child’s development in comparison to age-appropriate milestones. One test that measures this is the Modified Checklist of Autism in Toddlers (MCHAT). This is a list of questions whose answers will determine whether or not the child should be referred to a specialist such as a Developmental pediatrician, a neurologist, a psychiatrist, or a psychologist. Another checklist, the DSM-IV is a series of characteristics and criteria to qualify for an autism diagnosis.[3]

[edit] Characteristics

Because PDD-NOS is a spectrum disorder, not every child shows the same signs. The two main characteristics of the disorder are difficulties with social interaction skills and communication.[4] Signs are often visible in babies but a diagnosis is usually not made until around age 4.[5] Even though PDD-NOS is considered milder than typical autism, this is not always true. While some characteristics may be milder, others may be more severe.[5]

[edit] Social functioning skills

Once a child with PDD-NOS enters school, he or she will often be very eager to interact with classmates, but may act socially different to peers and be unable to make genuine connections. As they age, the closest connections they make are typically with their parents. Children with PDD-NOS have difficulty reading facial expressions and relating to feelings of others. They may not know how to respond when someone is laughing or crying. Literal thinking is also characteristic of PDD-NOS. They will most likely have difficulty understanding figurative speech and sarcasm.[1]

[edit] Communication skills

Inhibited communication skills are a sign of PDD-NOS that begins immediately after birth. Infants with PDD-NOS do not babble; as they age, they do not speak at the age at which speech develops in typical persons. Once verbal communication begins, vocabulary is often limited.[2] Some characteristics of language-based patterns are repetitive or rigid language, narrow interests, uneven language development, and poor nonverbal communication.[6] A very common characteristic of PDD-NOS is severe difficulty grasping the difference between pronouns, particularly between you and me when conversing, as in this example:
Parent: Do you want to colour this or do you want me to?Child: Me.
Here, because the parent used the word me to describe himself or herself, the child thinks that "me" is applicable to the parent regardless of who the speaker is. The child does not understand, without intervention, that the assignment of me depends on the speaker, not to whoever spoke it first.

& So Joe & I stay home & cozy & read books & watch movies & cartoons & do homework & enagage in language that is odd to most anyone else. We walk in the snow @ 7am when every other kid is home eatting oatmeal. @ home we are safe. With the exception of school, we are @ risk most anyplace else.
Most anyplace else, takes so much energy and defense that I choose for us not to engage.

& while Joe is in school, I could be exercising @ the LakeView YMCA, walking, visiting a friend - almost anything. But I don't. I do necessary errands & stay home.

Most all of my loved one's have said one thing or another that have offended and crushed me. Laughed @ jokes about kids who ride the little bus, recoiled when Joe wants to hug, says a straightforward "NO" when Joe asks "Can I sit next to you?" and then there is someone I dearly love who does not want my child around her children. and on and on and on it goes...

& 1 by 1 friends & family fall out of our circle. Our already small circle.

I read a review in the New Yorker of the file "Extremely Loud & Incredible Close" I have previously read that Oskar, the child in the film, is a character written to have autism. The review did not mention autism but did say "Oskar was extremely annoying".

Annoying.

What To Say? What To Do?

2012-01-24T11:33:00.001-06:00

Setting - I am in my room, doing work and on the phone.

Joe: Kate Myers, if you don't come out of your room, I am going to flip my wig!
Me: Joe, be kind & patient. I will help you in 3 minutes. Set the timer
Joe: OK - I have to find out how to flip my wig.

& this morning was awful. Joe woke up too early & I woke up too early & everyone was crabby & KABOOM....

Joe has 2 bunnies, 8 sonic dolls & 6 angry birds & for more than 65 minutes Joe thrusted the stuffed toys into my face on by one while shouting "Kiss the bunny" "You love the bunnies" "Kiss skinny sonic" "you love skinny sonic" "Kiss tails" "You love tails" & on & on & on. & when I refused (in a loud & angry voice) Joe raged & attacked towards me. & it was not our worse rage nor was it the longest. It may have been our shortest rage.

Joe & I have been doing well & I was not expecting / anticipating a rage. & I was not prepared. I let my guard down & I was caught.

& when the rage / tantrum ended Joe wanted hugs & to see my arms & back & legs & feet. "I will fix your blood" "Where is the purple & yellow (bruises)?"

& Joe was left with a scratch on his forehead & a heart & head filled with sadness.

& I feel sick and sorry and ashamed.

& it has been three hours since Joe left for school & I still feel sick and cold and broken.

& I have no idea what to expect when I see Joe.

& I fear Joe is also worried.

My child.

& today I pick Joe up @ 1230n.

Early dismissal.

Joe was thrilled by early dismissal.

We have a doctor's appointment, prescription pick up, groceries & Joe wants to get a present for Tails the fox (Sonic's side kick).

I feel held hostage by autism.

My Father

2012-01-19T16:50:00.001-06:00

"We attract tragedy. We are like the Kennedy's without the sex appeal & money"

My father died 37 years ago.

Today is the 37th anniversary of my fathers death & this is amazing to me.

My father died on a Sunday in the early afternoon. We lived @ 11350 So Bell Chicago Ill 60643. I was 10 years old & in the 5th grade @ St. Cajetans' School. My father was 39 years old when he died. My mother was 36 & had 6 children under the age of 11. My oldest sibling was 11. My youngest sibling was 11 months old. & we are all damaged & flawed & hurt.

My family already lived with our maternal grandmother. I do not remember any changes in our family dynamic & or structure. My grandmother remained our caretaker. & my mother (continued) worked. & my siblings & I largely did what we wanted, What we felt was best & this may or may not had been fine, except for the fact we were children!

My father had a wife, parents, cousins, 6 children and now, 8 grand children. My father was loved and dynamic and stopped existing 37 years ago.

People die. People stop existing. Dead. Done. Final.

& I think Joe is brilliant to realize and verbalize "Bill Myers does not exist". "Bill Myers final day was December 4, 2010".

So much better than passed away, went to heaven etc...straight forward and direct.

When you die, you no longer exist.

This Way Joe

2012-01-19T14:36:00.002-06:00

Joe: "Good Night Kate Myers. See me in the morning"
Me:"I will see you in the morning. Good Night"
Joe: Don't forget to see me in the morning"
Me: I will see you in the morning
Joe:"I will sleep in your room so we can remember to see each other in the morning"

Joe's words are tender and kind and backwards.

Joe will say "Do you smell Johnny Test?" What Joe means is, "Do you see Johnny Test?"

Joe confuses Hearing something and seeing something.

"Kate Myers, I smell the snow"

I amnot staying in the moment. I am worried about High School & after High School. This is naughty.

This has been a good week. We have done what we were supposed to and have done it well.

For weeks after Bill died, I rarely dremed of Bill. & then I had raccous sex dreams of Bill. & recentlyI have been having comfort dreams of Bill. Lovely & detailed dreams of Bill and memories & fun Bill & I shared.

Joe will tell me whne he dreams of Bill foloowed by Joe saying "I don't want to dream with Bill".

Snow Shoes

2012-01-14T19:53:00.001-06:00

Today Joe asked so many great questions.

Joe & I were outside & walking in the snow and Joe was so filled with curiosity & observations & questions.

"Why is lava hot?

"How much does snow cost?"

"How many days old am I?"

Joe brought his Sonic Gang (Fat Sonic, Skinny Sonic, Knuckles, Amy Rose, Tails & baby Tails). We chased & walked & played hide & seek & laughed & teased. Joe said " We are hunting icicles!" & I grabbed a huge icicle and Joe said "You get the trophy". & then "Can I have your trophy?"

& we came home and Joe built transformers and Kreons & staged battles & adventures & was happy.

Joe laughs easily & this makes be happy.

Joe has a beautiful laugh & an incredible face.

Tomorrow Uncle Bobby comes pver for a visit.

On Line Support Group

2012-01-12T07:12:00.002-06:00

Please Join.

Chicagoautismsupport@yahoogroups.com

No News

2012-01-10T07:07:00.002-06:00

My 2012 New Year's Resolution is too NOT buy any new clothes / shoes etc...for myself. & 9 days into the New Year I have had to stop myself twice from making 2 impulse purchases. 1 pair of slippers from Target. 1 pair of pants from Old Navy.com

Joe is happily back to school & I have had a long nap & now what?

Grocery store

Prescriptions

Drop box off @ food pantry

Make Dr. appointments for me

Use facial gift certificate

Marketing for travel business

Clean apt.

Laundry

Exercise

Walk

Car wash

Progress

2012-01-07T20:00:00.000-06:00

We have had 2 BIG achievements.

Yesterday I was in the shower & Joe barged into the bathroom crying and holding "Bumble Bee" (transformer) and demanding I fix "Bumble Bee". I told Joe to look @ the clock & I would be out of the shower & fix "Bumble Bee" in 10 minutes.

& When I finished my shower and used my lotions and put on my pajamas & opened the bathroom door, there was my Joe! Waiting patiently in the kitchen, holding "Bumble Bee" and calmly telling me that I took 12 minutes to come out of the bathroom.

Today Joe & I planned a trip to the grocery store. We made out list. In addition to ordinary groceries, Joe wanted Captain America Fruit Snacks. Ok. Captain America Fruit Snacks went on the list. & I told Joe that the grocery may not have Captain America Fruit Snacks. & Joe was certain the grocery would have the preferred fruit snacks. My stomach knotted as I imagined the tantrum @ the grocery store if there were no Captain America Fruit snacks. & as fate would have it, there were no Captain America Fruit Snacks & there was NO TANTRUM!

TADAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

We have progress!

4 Days Till School!

2012-01-05T09:31:00.002-06:00

We are home & I do not know what to say.

I feel lost & tired & lonely & alone.

& Joe somehow manages to grow and bloom and mature and move forward. Joe has been calm and focused and aware and participating in most of my big ideas. baking Brownies, vacuuming, walks, etc...yesterday Joe wanted to take the trash out to the alley by himself.

I am amazed how Joe has figured out the Kre O Construction sets. daily,Joe assembles and disassembles with focus and patience.

Every day Joe makes his daily calander and schegule.

My mom wanted to stay on Sunday night & I said no. Joe goes to school on Monday & Joe comes first. Joe's balance is fragile & I am not taking a risk / having a guest on the night before school starts. I know & understand my mother is hurt & angry. & I am hurt & angry as Joe & I have been home for 19 days & any day except the last day would have been a good day for a visit.

Joe goes back to school in 4 days. Joe is thrilled to be home & building auto bots, transformers & Dragadars & on & on & on....

Read an interesting article written by a woman who did not buy any new clothes or household items for 1 year. This was by design and conscience decision.
Use what you have. Appreciate what you have. Be more aware and less consumed.
I'm in.
No new clothes, pillows, shoes, towels etc...for 1year.
Joe is exempt from this very big idea of mine

Johnny Test - Hate you & your talking dog, your stay @ home dad & your super busy mom....

Tattle

2012-01-03T16:51:00.002-06:00

Joe was napping in the couch & was folding laundry & sorting the laundry on the same couch....& I hear Joe's beautiful voice say "Kate Myers, I am sure you are squishing me."

Let It Snow

2012-01-02T07:20:00.003-06:00

Snow today. Walk in the snow today.

Joe & I have to get out of the apartment every day. Out of the apartment & for a long walk. Not out of the apartment & into the car.

The car is so tempting.

The car is (mostly) irresistible.

Walgreen's for prescription refills.

Stop by Uncle B's restaurant for a short visit.

Maybe to Mary's to see a new couch.

Get moving.

Going outside causes (me) mild anxiety. Joe & I are so exposed. & anything can happen & not in a great & fun way.

& bath & shampoo & teeth brushing,

I understand this day is too basic. I understand this day includes no bells & or whistles.

I understand.

Waking up @ 4a is too early. I cannot get a balance or groove to the day. I spend all day thinking / knowing I am exhausted. My head spins & I cannot focus.

& this is the day we will have.

When it comes to laughing, my Joe is an easy customer. Joe laughs easily & readily & willingly. Today Joe & I will share some laughs.

New Years Day 2012!

2012-01-01T09:31:00.002-06:00

A entire & brand new year & I am thrilled.

Exactly 8 days left of Christmas vacation & I am not thrilled. Most of Joe's Christmas presents were carefully selected to help Joe engage in creative & thoughtful play. & so far, so good.

Kre O Construction sets have proven to be engaging & challenging. The Kre O Construction sets have been assembled & disassembled & reassembled.

Cars 2 Toyko Spin Out (once assembled) has been fun and taken up hours of arranging & rearranging races & spin outs & opening & closing ceremonies & award presentations.

The Pokmon Play Set is the ugliest piece of plastic I have yet seen. The Pokemon Play Set has lots of proverbial bells and whistles and the Pokemon's are busy with trap doors and draw bridges etc...

Toy Story Recycling Center is also ugly & plastic& fun. Cranes & bull dozers push and heave most everything, including Lightening McQueen, Finn McMissell and @ least 3 Pokemon's onto the conveyor belt.

Joe plays & I am grateful for Joe's play skills.

Joe is funny & clever & bright.

1 way or another, by hook or by crook, this child of mine is going to gain patience.

1 way or another, by hook or by crook, I am going to beat 15 pounds off my ass.

Our friend Matthew (15yrs old and patient and extraordinary) is coming over to baby sit Joe & I am going to the LakeView Y to exercise. I have to exercise on a regular basis. I am old and tired and exercise is urgently needed. I have to / I am take better care of my physical & emotional self.

A problem: I am already tired (I am always tired) and after exercise I will be more tired and I will have a full day ahead of me. I hate being tired. I am literally afraid of being more tired. I need patience and energy.

Dear Grown Up Fun,

I am learning to live without you.

Your Old Friend,

Kate

Nice Guy, My Guy

2011-12-29T06:26:00.003-06:00

Joe received a $50.00 VISA Gift card for Christmas & yesterday we went to TOYS R US so Joe could use his credit card.

& I told Joe he could pick out whatever he wanted as it was his money.

& Joe picked out small gifts for every child in his class.

Play Dough, Silly Putty, Race Cars, Captain America action figure and a new notebook for his teacher, Miss R.

Joe paid for his purchases and when we came home, Joe smashed everything into his back pack for school on January 9.

Cheers

2011-12-28T07:20:00.000-06:00

I smell beer. & this is a frequent occurrence. & there is only 1 beer in my house. Bill's last beer. 2nd shelf of fridge, in the back, towards the right side of the fridge.

There has not been on open beer in my house for for more than 1 year.

Beer in the morning.

Bill & a morning beer.

Bill & morning beers.

Joe received KRE-O construction sets for Christmas (Thank you Aunt Pat) & I was concerned. Concerned Joe would be frustrated. Concerned 325 pieces would be too chaotic for my Joe.

& the KRE-O was a huge hit and Joe patiently followed the 32 page instructional manual and assembled a warrior and then took the warrior apart and followed the 32 page instructional manual and assembled a semi-truck.

& I was amazed.

Today Joe & I have to go to Walgreens to pick up prescriptions and then to Mariano's for groceries.

We will also go for a walk and try to find some fun in a park.

3 Down

2011-12-27T06:32:00.002-06:00

Yesterday Joe & I went to Montrose Harbor and saw a Winter White Owl, a really big fish & a wavy Lake Michigan.
Our 8 year old friend wanted to throw rocks into the lake. Joe was ready to go home. Joe cried & shouted & fussed & was able to wait approximately 8 minutes & then we all headed to the car. Our friends called us in the early afternoon & got Joe & I out of the house and into the post Christmas sunshine & wind.

Yesterday we cleaned up our little apartment & today (again) we will clean up our little apartment.

Joe made a 'Game Center". Joe received board games (Connect 4 Launch, Whack A Mole Mania, Scrabble +++) for Christmas and Joe decided the games deserved better than a stack on the the floor. It was interesting & wonderful to see Joe hatch a plan and complete a project on his own. Joe started the game center by completely clearing 3 book shelves of actual books and carefully reviewing & sorting each title. Joe had a stack for his room, a stack for my room & to my delight! A stack to donate!!!! Thanks to Toy Story 3 Joe knows the importance of donating. Joe completed the project ny carefully stacking all of his board games on the shelves.

Last night I used Joe's Wii to watch a movie on NetFlex - "In To The Rabbit Hole" with Nicole Kidman. Earlier in the day, Joe & I used a NetFlex download to do Yoga. We are not especially good @ Yoga, but we will get better. I am hoping to use NetFlex as an escape as opposed to big bowls of heaping carbohydrates

Joe received a VISA gift card for Christmas & was so thrilled to have a "credit card for Joe Myers". The VISA gift card actually has the name "Joe Myers" on the card. Thanks to Uncle Bobby.

I have a family member that is most excellent @ holding a grudge & anger Excellent @ at other things as well, but when it comes to shutting down, this person is the best of the best. I prefer a confrontation. Grudgey prefers a long, long & sometimes, infectious stew. I am a fixer. If a friend or loved one seems to need help, I do my best to resolve the situation, get help and search for a solution. A caveat being: my help / resolution / solution is rarely needed / appreciated / wanted. I am frightened & angry for / towards Grudgey as I cannot fix Grudgey's situation. Grudgey needs to fix a really big and ugly problem. A problem that has affected many people I love. Most importantly, most urgently & what causes most distress and sleepless nights, is that Grudgey's problem has affected my Joe & other tots.

Joe needs better dental hygiene. I have tried dozens of different tooth brushes, tooth paste & gel, flavored & unflavored, Brushing in the AM, Brushing in the PM. Brushing while bathing, brushing while standing, brushing while on the toilet, in the car, on the couch, using the computer. All to no avail...

It is cold and raining in Chicago.

Christmas Vacation Count:
3 down
14 to go

YAY! Followed By Shouts of Joy!

2011-12-26T16:30:00.003-06:00

& A wonderful response from my brother regarding my request that my brother spend quality, one on one time with my Joe on a regular scheduled basis.

A mentor, an Uncle, a male adult who Joe can grow to trust.

Thank you dear brother!

& Bill Would Be Right....

2011-12-26T05:47:00.000-06:00

Bill Myers & I both love / loved Joe completely & fully & conditionally.

& Joe needs complete & full & unconditional love.

& This is why I miss Bill Myers. & This is reason #67,98989,000. that Joe Myers needs his dead father.

If I could call Bill Myers on the phone, and tell Bill someone stared @ Joe, or confronted me about Joe or shouted @ Joe or disciplined Joe, or did not want to sit next o Joe, Bill Myers would say:

"You try too hard sweetheart."

"Fuck them Kate".

"They're assholes, remember how exciting it was when Joe made friends @ the RedHook Pool?"

Or,

"So what, the have their own stuff. let it go."

This morning Joe woke up happy & rested & shouted "my cousins are great".

Reminder

2011-12-25T21:11:00.003-06:00

Please remind me to never again leave my house.

Admittedly I am overly sensitive to and for my Joe. When Joe and I are around people, I am on high alert. Around our family, our neighbors, the staff @ Joe's school, the checkers @ Mariano's Grocery Store, folks on the street et all else.

I look for reactions - believe I am reading reactions. I watch to see how people are looking @ / seeing my child.

& often / mostly, it is not good.

In Brooklyn, people were straightforward - direct and honest.

Brooklyn Guy with baggy pants "Hey - what's wrong with your kid?"

Me:"autism - right now my son & I are doing our best. ok?"

Brooklyn Guy with baggy pants : "Oh, sorry, my cousin too" & then a story and a smile.

In Chicago, folks seem embarrassed for us / by us & strained by my Joe & I. This includes my family.

Joe wants a sleepover. I have coaxed and cajoled Joe's cousins and my sister and my brother.

No takers.

No offers.

Joe & I applied to Big Brothers / Big Sisters United Way Program. I did not follow thru after reading the child molesting news out of Penn State.

Joe needs a positive and reliable male influence. I have asked a family member to give Joe 30 minutes of one on one time every 2 weeks. This was hard for me to ask. This is a big risk. If this person says no, then what?

I know...I know..I know...

The only way to increase Joe's social skills is to get out in the community. Go to the grocery & 7-11& park & play lot & shoe store & Christmas dinner et all else...

Honestly, I am sad and disappointed and lonely and furious.

This afternoon, Joe & I drove 90 minutes to my sisters house for a casual XMAS dinner and a trip with cousins to see ChipWrecked

. Turns out no one wants to sit next to Joe in the movies. Turns out Joe wants to sit next to everyone in the movies.

We left the movies close to 6p and drove back to Chicago. Joe cried and whined the first 60 miles and had fully blown tantrums for the last 30 miles.

Turns out the Toll Taker on the Illinois Toll Road - Waukegan Toll Plaza is an expert on Child development. "That boy is too big to be crying like that". "That were my kid, Christmas presents would be returned!". Turns out the Toll Taker on the Illinois Toll Road - NorthBrook Toll Plaza also has 2 cents to add towards my parenting skills.

I am not sleeping.

For so long, I was a magical sleeper. Sleep whenever I wanted / needed. & Now I am awake most of the night & my day starting between 4 - 5a, when Joe starts his day.

I am exhausted.

Later The Very Same Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T19:33:00.000-06:00

So far so good....

On our way to Navy Pier we stopped to see our friend's the W's. A house with 2 beautiful Christmas trees, 2 parents, and 4 boys. Boys that all accept and genuinely like Joe. To quote The W's 12 year old son "Don't worry, Kate. We got your back". Joe was great & comfortable & engaged & thrilled to be with boys and having fun.

Winter Wonderland @ Navy Pier was fine. We spent 2 hours @ Navy Pier and Joe was happy and tired when we left.

& we come home and Joe is tired and beyond cranky and brimming with anxiety....

& Joe was asleep @ 5p....

Santa packages are wrapped and ready....

Joe & I are going to see my sister and her family tomorrow. We will arrive in time for a 3p Christmas dinner and then be home in time for bed.

Tomorrow is Christmas. Tomorrow is our second Christmas without Bill. Tonight, after Joe was in his jammies and Joe had written a note for Santa, I asked Joe if he remembered Christmas in Brooklyn with Bill. Joe asked " what date?" "what date Kate Myers" I told Joe, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009. And Joe's face turned upside down and Joe crawled onto my lap and said "No".

BAH

2011-12-24T06:19:00.002-06:00

This is the 1st Christmas that Joe is fully participating. Joe is filled with anxiety & anticipation.

Joe is worried for Santa.

"But Sleigh's can't fly".

"It's too cold for a reindeer"

"Rudolph needs his mother".

"What time will Santa bring my presents?"

It is 601a and I am thinking I should hand over the presents. Joe cannot wrap his head around the idea that a guy named Santa is flying through the sky & around the world to deliver presents to every single child.

"How many children in the whole world?"

How many children in Chicago?"

"Does Santa know my address?"

Every 4 minutes Joe asks "Is Santa safe?"

Joe has a friend named O. & tomorrow is O's birthday. O's birthday on Christmas is a source for additional anxiety.

"Does Santa bring O's birthday present?" "How does Santa carry birthday presents?"

& all day Joe will worry and fret and question and ask and slowly begin to unravel.

& all for a phony big reveal. & it is just Joe & I & I know the regular rules do not apply, but Christmas? Santa comes on Christmas Eve when all the children are sleeping.

Right?

BAH!

Today I am taking Joe to Navy Pier. We will leave @ 945a and arrive Navy Pier when Winter Wonderland opens @ 10a. & we will hope for some fun.

& we will hope for some relief form Joe's anxiety & anticipation.

Yesterday as Joe was getting of the bus, Joe shouted to his friends "Merry Christmas Guys!". Hearing Joe wish his friends a Merry Christmas was teh perfect present for me.