“The most powerful steps in the world, always on the cusp of failure. I want to baby step for the rest of my life – the persistence – the determination – the self-acceptance – the commitment – the joy of it”.

Victor Lee Lewis

These words by a friend of mine on Facebook struck me so forcefully that I wrote them down.  It occurred to me that we often want to be somewhere else, we don’t want to be baby stepping at all.  We want to be Olympic runners, hurtling past the winning post.

Let’s consider baby steps…

the persistence…

We all know what it takes to make baby steps.  That baby first has to raise themselves on their elbows, then learn to roll over, then get onto all fours and eventually to crawl…Action! Finally the baby can travel to something they see and want.  Then they learn to push onto their feet and stay upright…success!  And finally the big one…that baby takes their first steps.

As a mother, the memories of my babies’ first steps stand out in technicolour.  What joy! what achievement!

And then what happens?  they fall  over!  You fell over, I fell over.  All babies fall over…Does it put them off?  No.  They get up, and try again, and again and again…

That sounds good.

How often do you persist at a behaviour you want when you fall over?  I know for myself it is sometimes hard not to give in t o failure.

• “it’s too hard”
• “it isn’t worth it anyway”
• “there’s no point, I’ll fail again”

Would a baby say that?  No.

the determination…

When a baby wants to walk, there is a reason.  They feel the primal urge in their cells.  They want to reach something.  Lying down forever isn’t an option.

Where in your life do you want something enough to have that sort of determination?

What would it take to keep trying?

the self-acceptance…

I believe that persistence and determination are grounded on self-acceptance.  The basic EFT   recipe has that self-acceptance sewn into the seams of it’s making.

• “Even though I have this problem, I love and accept myself…”

How amazing is that!  It doesn’t matter that you fall over if you accept yourself anyway.  In fact, it is that love and acceptance that stops the possibility of victimhood or self-pity.  Self-acceptance means not condoning a problem or issue, but seeing it in clear daylight, so it can be dissolved.  A baby doesn’t wallow.

the commitment…

again and again and again…

• “Even though I fell over, I choose to try again”
• “Even though I stumbled, I have the urge to succeed”
• “Even though I fell over, I know I can do this, and I will”

the joy of it…

ah, the secret…why does trying over and over have to be a struggle?  It doesn’t!

Let’s breathe in the sheer joy of  making baby steps…

Let’s breathe in the brilliance of keeping going…

Let’s breathe in the freshness of again and again and again…

Taking baby steps in everyday life

What if we took this baby approach into our everyday lives?  Perhaps if we had this attitude around a behaviour we want to change we needn’t be so prone to self-blame.  We try, we fall over, we laugh and try again… That glass of lemon water on waking?  that compliment to your partner? that not shouting at your child?

If there was one thing you chose to do with “baby steps” – celebrating yourself each time you fell and got up again – what would it be?

“May my mind come alive today to the invisible geography that invites me to new frontiers, to break the shell of yesterday, to risk being disturbed and changed…to do at last what I came here for and waste my heart on fear no more.”
– John O’Donahue

I love this quote, that a very dear friend of mine sent me.  Scores of  inspiring quotes pass me by every day on Facebook – I simply can’t give them the attention they deserve but something about this one caught my attention.

“invisible geography…and…new frontiers”

Is it because he is using imagery close to my heart, that of geography?  I call my programmes Pathfinder and Mapmaker for a reason and here John O’Donahue is talking about “invisible geography…and…new frontiers”.  He knows that what prevents us so often from moving on feels like a real shell around us.  Our thoughts may be invisible and our feelings may be invisible but the energetic reality they set up IS our reality.

“the shell of yesterday”

And then he talks about exactly what EFT does so well – it breaks “the shell of yesterday”.

As we tap, it literally dissolves our perception of reality as we have created it, through the medium of decisions and judgements, housed in our body…   I use the word “literally” with care.  Over and over, when clients describe how they feel the reality of their present uncomfortable situation, images come up like, “like a vice gripping my throat”, “it feels as if I have a heavy stone in my belly” or “there high wall around me with no doors…” These images are harsh, cold and hard.

With tapping, the image changes to a softer version – doors appear in walls, the stone becomes jelly, the vice turns into a transparent veil….Eventually, they disappear.  They are not needed anymore.  The client is free from the “shell of yesterday” and is ready to move on, with joy and expansion.

“risk of being disturbed and changed”

Of course, this expansion inevitable changes the landscape.  When you break free, things change.  Shifts need to be made, and it is not always comfortable.  Sometimes the externals need to change.

The magical thing is that as you change, it creates the opportunity for people to change around you.  When you are no longer holding onto the patterns of one half of a co- dependent relationship for example, it frees the other to be different too.  Often times I have heard of wonderful healing happening in relationship when just one partner has broken their own shell.

And sometimes, change requires you to move on – not always comfortable.  Whether in relationship to self or other, to work and other external situations, the inner work releases the possibility of change. But when it is clear, then that “risk of being disturbed and changed” is well worth it.  The new energy pattern gives one freedom.

“to do at last what I came here for”

This is what is so exciting about “my mind coming alive”.  This transformational work isn’t about self.  It is about “other”.  I have never met one single person who wanted to work on their own development purely out of self-interest.  There is always the bigger reason.  Always.  And that is truly motivating. When you connect with the “big why”, then everything is possible, because to be held back because of the ego seems silly, really…“to do at last what I came here for“.

“…and waste my heart on fear no more.”

Exactly.

Not a big topic then!

I started to write this post, inspired by a Good Friday meditation, and almost immediately got paralysed by fear…

• “What a huge theme!”
• “Who am I to write on such a subject?”
• “How dare I even begin to think I know anything at all about it?”

How ironic…writing about fear, to become enveloped by fear…

And yet, this is exactly what I want to write about – fear (and its children, anxiety and worry) are all around.  They don’t just come out as a stranger attacks us on a dark night. They are everyday companions.

How many of us can say we never feel fear?  How many of us, however much we may think we know, are free of fear?  No-one.

I once had two seminal teachers, Brad Brown and Roy Whitten.  They taught that fear kept everything in place– all the things which keep us from love.  Fear is like a plug.  Imagine an hour-glass, with the negative below and the positive above.  Below are all the things which keep us separate – the dramas, beliefs, expectations, judgements, decisions – all held in place by fear.  None of those separating things can live without fear.

Above are all the things which connect us – truth-telling, choosing, creating and gratitude.  And the key to unlock these things is noticing.  Noticing when we are separate, noticing when our dramas are ruling the roost, our judgements drawing the line between “them” and “us”, noticing when our decisions about the world lock us in to being “right”…

So when my fears come up –

• “Who am I to write on such a topic?”

• “They will think I am above myself.”

• “You have to be a guru to write about fear and love.”

my first job is to notice.

That’s all.

My first job is to notice what is going on.

Notice the thoughts, (“I am not good enough”), notice the results (I procrastinated wildly before getting down to writing), notice the feelings in my body, (a sort of panic around the chest).

And this all happened in moments.  Nothing special.  Just an everyday sort of fear. My survival is not in question.  On one level, it doesn’t matter whether I write this or not.

But it does matter to me that my impulse to create something out of a profound meditation comes to fruition. It matters that I don’t squash my creativity.

It matters that fear doesn’t “win”.

Notice

This is the first thing.

Notice the littlest things – often fear wants to hide and disguises itself as “something better to do,” or “I’ll just have that snack”.  Loving yourself starts with noticing, without judging, what exactly is going on….

Truth tell

This is the second thing.

• “Even though I am afraid, I love and accept myself”.

• “Even though I want to eat some chocolate right now, I accept myself exactly as I am”.

• “Even though people might think I’m above myself, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”

And those are all tappable issues. With EFT tapping, you can dissolve the fear, dissolve the power that fear has on you, which leads us on to the third thing.

Choosing

When fear is banished, there is room to choose.  Choose light, choose hope.  Choose not to eat the snack, choose to go ahead anyway….

And of course, without fear, you have access to so much energy.  Energy just seems to pour into us when we are not afraid….amazing!  Which leads us onto the fourth thing.

Creating

Wouldn’t it be great to be more creative?  To be doing more than “getting by”. To be adding to the world….whether in the arts or home making or business?  To find your own creativity and give it substance and voice?  You can do that, when fear has lost its power…  And when there noticing and truth telling and choice and creation, then there is…

Gratitude

Gratitude arises naturally out of shedding fear. It seems to come from a deep well of connection with all that is. You can’t force gratitude.  It just happens. But that sweet feeling of gratitude is the feeling of being connected, of not being separate.  It is the feeling of love.  Love, not fear.

This is why I am so grateful for EFT tapping as a vehicle for transformation.   There are many paths, but EFT is so user friendly!  You notice you are feeling a bit “off” and you tap, then you feel better.  In its very basic form, it’s that simple.  Of course, we can take it down all sorts of routes and byways, but its basic job is to clear.  And the most basic thing to clear is fear.

So notice the everyday.  Notice those little things.  Notice the small fears.  It’s worth it.

What sort of “little fears” get in the way of your transformation?

Here in Scotland we are (finally) at the beginning of Spring…little lambkins everywhere and daffodils showing their happy faces…

People are beginning to cast off the heavy overcoats of Winter and not just their clothes.

Hibernating is necessary but towards the end it is enervating rather than nurturing.  Time to dust down, freshen up and put our eager little faces to the sky!

And that includes me…

For a few months now, I have been hibernating – letting the past settle, tucking myself up and waiting for the new growth.   As the mother of a daughter with autism, I was happy to offer my work to other parents, to offer hope and deep connection.  And I know that my voice made a difference…Then another voice started calling me, so I took time to go inside and wait.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to work with those parents – I did and I do.  But as my life changes, then my work needs to follow.  With my daughter safely and happily living away from home, it felt like time to unfurl my wings too!   It felt time to reach out to a different audience.

As I hibernated, it came to me that for over 30 years, I have been doing the same work.  In my early 20′s, a friend asked me, “Claire, what do you want to achieve in life?”.  I remember so clearly.  We were sitting at a lunch table at Dartington College of Arts during one of their awe- inspiring Dance Festivals.  Her question struck me like an arrow.  It really was decision time.

After a pause, I answered, “To teach people to breathe properly…”

Now, we were both dancers.  This wasn’t a trite answer.  We both knew it meant more than “just breathing”.  There was learning to do with balance and harmony and health and who knows what…and I also knew that it might take me a lifetime to find out!

And it wasn’t really about teaching other people, it was about learning for myself.  How to live in harmony, the in-breath and the out-breath perfectly poised, life caught on that perfect fulcrum…

And I still want that… My work is about helping people let go of that which no longer serves and to breathe in the fresh -with all the creativity and hope and ease that brings.

The in-breath and the out-breath…

So whatever your circumstance and wherever you are on your life’s path, I hope that  Transformation for Life and EFT have something to offer you.

What is your “breathing in”?

Take a quiet moment and ask yourself what you would like to “breathe in……”  a project completed? a health issue sorted? a healed relationship?

Then, if you wish, state it below in the comment box…Put your seed in the ground for your transformation.

Let’s turn our faces to the sun and gamble in the promise of Spring!

Today’s  post might not seem like anything to do with autism, but in our busy lives we need all the help we can get so I decided to go for it anyway!

However busy you are, and I know you are, you usually have time to think.  Not perhaps a calm 10 minutes when you can let your thoughts settle and begin to relax, but a calm 10 seconds.  Yes, this is the 10 second exercise!

In my work with people over the last 3 decades I have noticed one thing over and over.  When we get stressed, the energy rises and all the thoughts seem to pop out of the head in a mad sort of frenzy.  Especially when so much of your life is to do with “other”, it can be hard to come back to “self”.

Yet when you come back to “self”,  it instantly grounds you and makes life easier…

Here is how to do it. 

It takes 3 steps which do take more than 10 seconds but Step 3 is the one you will use over and over, and that is the 10 second one.

Step 1

let go and relax a little

When you do have 10 minutes to yourself – perhaps in the bath, or taking a walk  or even,  in times of crisis, my old favourite the “bathroom break” – then allow your mind and body  let go and relax a little.  You can help this process by paying attention to how your body feels and where you are (literally) touching your physical support, whether it is the bath, the ground beneath your feet and so on.  This will let your mind sink into your body and away from the brain.

Step 2

find your Saving Grace

When you are feeling more grounded, allow your mind to scan things or people who actually make you feel better.  I am delibately keeping this really simple and open.  You can trust yourself.  Ask yourself a question like,

“What fictional character would help me right now? “ 

I just did that as I was writing and I came up with Indiana Jones!  Now I have only ever seen one of those films and I hardly remember anything about it, but something in that name sparks something in me that I could evidently benefit from – namely a sort of manly heroic courage.  Fantastic….the thought and feeling of that quality actually felt great and made me smile – who would have thought?  Certainly not my “on top” mind.  That is the power of imagery.

First thoughts are usually the best.  As long as you are somewhat relaxed when you ask the question, your subconscious mind will come up with what serves you best.

Other questions could be,

“What flower or plant or tree would help me now?”

“What animal would be my helpmate?”

“What landscape would serve me right now?”

If you ask a question, you will get an answer.

What you are looking for is not the thing itself, but what it represents.

 It is the quality, not the thing itself, that becomes your Saving Grace.

So, again, using myself as an example, I just saw a picture in my mind of a very delicate white flower, perhaps a wild orchid, fluttering next to a really solid oak.  I don’t need to know what that “means”, though I might guess I want to treasure both the delicate and the strong in me.

It is enough to have the image. 

It has already done its work.

Step 3

use your Saving Grace

When you get practised at this, (and although simple, it is not simplistic), you can call on your Saving Grace whenever you need it – in a crisis, or a time when you feel out of sorts, or flustered, or over emotional…

You can either draw on a Saving Grace you thought of earlier or ask yourself an instant question, “What would help me right now?”, then trust the answer.

In the 10 seconds, breathe that image or quality into your body for a couple of breath cycles, then turn your attention back to your everyday life. 

It really is that simple.

If you use EFT, you can tap on your sternum while you think of your saving Grace, or do a full tapping round.

If you don’t use EFT, no problem, you can help embody the image by holding your hand to your sternum/heart area and breathing the image in.

If you are not a visual person, again, not a problem.  It is the quality you are looking for, and that is instant as you think of your Saving Grace.

This is like listening to music or reading a favourite book to bring you back to centre.  But quicker and you can do it on the run!

I dare anyone to find 10 seconds.  With practice, you can do this in the middle of a meltdown.  It is the ultimate fast fix!

What are your Saving Graces? what character or animal can you relate to, who can help you?  Please share below and maybe you will give some inspiration to someone else….

Is it full of variety?

Are you able to jump up and go our whenever you want?

What’s that evening class like?

And did you see that film?

Of course not

When you look at the daily round of your life, and if you were feeling low, might there be words like

• repetition
• boring
• can’t bear it
• same old same old
• repeat

Are you tired of seeing that Thomas the Tank Engine video for the 400th time?

Are you tired of not being able to leave the house without a baby sitter, even though your “child” is grown-up?

Are you tired?

Is this what you expected?

I have to confess, I found the sheer drudgery of living with autism (even in the most “exciting” years…) really quite hard to deal with.  Yet in this world, it is hard to complain when we have enough to eat and a place to sleep and if we live in a country where autism is at least seen as a disability rather than abnormality…

So what to do  now

There is the outer and the inner.

The outer is enlisting help, making time for yourself, being inventive with games and so on. 

The inner is finding acceptance, motivation, transformation…

Find creativity within the repetition

Can you “reset” your internal reaction so that each time your child wants to see the same video, its OK and you avoid that slight sinking of  the heart?

Can you celebrate your child each time they achieve their small victories so that you feel that joy too?

How about when you feel a sinking inside you had a way of feeling better, in the moment?

Knowing you are OK

Most of all, it’s important to know that you are OK, to celebrate yourself  for doing the best that you can.

I made a video about this, just a couple of minutes.  Do watch it.

How do you deal with the same old same old?  What are your tips for living a joyful life with autism?

Sometimes it is tempting to moan.

And bitch.

And complain.

Don’t!

However, it is important to move that negative stuff away- all the stuff we want to moan and bitch and complain about.

It doesn’t do to hide it  or come over all false brightness….

So what to do?

Express.

Release.

Clear.

But in a “held” and controlled way.

What do I mean by that?

Clearing the shade

Everything (and I use absolutes with care) has a dark and a light side.

Think about it.

If you are angry the dark is the distress your anger can cause but the light is that your anger is serving you- it may be a “righteous anger” that spurs you on, or it may be a message to yourself that you need to take time out.  If you stay in the dark by feeding the anger with self-righteousness or by repetition, then you don’t get to feel better, only angrier.

You might sneer at your husband or shout out your kids or not return that phone call from your mother.  (Anger becomes resentment really quickly).

If however, you can own your anger, express it in a safe way which does no harm, then you can learn its lesson and (using the example above), either harness its power to make necessary changes or give yourself a break.

Same with guilt.  Stay in the shade with your guilt and you only get guiltier and that’s ugly.  That’s the dark side.  Own it, witness  it and it stops being the bogie man under the bed and releases power you didn’t know you had.  That’s the light side.

Would you rather live in the shade or in the light?

Putting on the light

The light bulb can’t be on and off at the same time.

The truth is, there isn’t a grey area and yet we are complex human beings.  When we are in the middle of something it all seems mixed up.  But

when you start identifying parts it all gets easy.

When you break down things into parts it stops being overwhelming and starts to be doable.  You can start putting on those light bulbs one by one.

For example, if you are angry, there’s the anger and there’s the trigger.  Clear the anger and you are able to look at the trigger clearly and do something about it.

For example, to take an example from my own life, I used to get triggered when my ASD daughter wouldn’t (note the language here) hold her head in such a way that the shampoo wouldn’t run into her eyes.  The fact is, the way she feels her body doesn’t include really being able to tell her neck’s angle!  Just too difficult for all sorts of reasons!  I knew my irritation was unreasonable but it kept coming up when it was washing hair time…not nice for either of us.  And of course I felt guilty for getting irritated with something that she really had no control over.  When I cleared my anger in a safe way (ie not at bath time and not with her), it became clear that its real cause wasn’t that my daughter wouldn’t hold her head properly (!!!!) but that I didn’t want her to be hurt.  The irritation came from love.  Well, that made sense to me and since then, because I wasn’t in the shade at bathtime, it has become perfectly easy and fun.

This example is so tiny, yet that is why I used it.  This is everyday stuff.  This was such a small irritation that I never even thought to mention it to anyone, ever, yet it affected an everyday sort of activity.

Think about what can happen when we stay in the shade with more important stuff?  Ugly.

So clear your shade

Check out this post and it tells you how.

Or get in touch with me and we’ll talk.

Light or shade? your choice