Zen-Sational Living Blog

I Want Perfection and I Want it NOW: by Sue Fitzmaurice

Sheila — Fri, 24 May 2013 12:00:41 +0000

Please welcome Sue Fitzmaurice as our guest blogger today! Sue is not only an author (Angels in the Architecture), but also holds wonderful eCourses to get you back on track, and admins a successful Facebook page. Welcome Sue!

Where does this idea come from?! And why is our worst case of perfectionism usually focused on ourselves, or those closest to us. People, in other words. Non-perfect beings.

I bet almost all of us have this disease in some form or another. We expect the impossible from both ourselves AND others, an expectation that can only lead to failure, and therefore disappointment.

Here’s some typical examples:

We expect our teenagers’ bedrooms to always be tidy. Yeah, right. And who is upset when it’s not? Not them, that’s for sure.
We expect the bathing suit we wore last summer to still fit. uh-huh, uh-huh…
We are upset that at age 40-plus we don’t look as young as we used to, and that at 50-plus it seems to be speeding up…
We expect never to say the wrong thing. Ever. Shouldn’t we be smarter than that by now?
We expect to live in the perfect house in the perfect street, with the perfect car and the perfect spouse and perfect children and one totally house-trained dog, or maybe two.
We expect to get on with our parents by now. And our siblings. And because we are the black sheep of the family, we do wonder whether we should have tried harder not to be so… well… black-sheep’ish.
And let’s not start on the haranguing we give our partners… shall I go on? Nah… ya get the picture.

So… secretly (apparently), YOU’re different – YOU really are useless – you’re saying it to yourself right now – I know! No one else knows this about THEMselves or anything… just you. Oh good grief.

How did that get there?!! Seriously! How?! Why?!

This has to be our most dangerous trait, as humans, and especially as women and mothers. It’s damaging to ourselves and to those we love.

Can’t ‘good enough’, ‘okay’ and even plain ‘normal’ do it?

So how about it? Me, I’m 5kg heavier than I’d like to be flying to the Sunshine Coast in Australia on the weekend, where I do intend to be in my bathing suit. Probably not my bikini though eh…

As always, Sue

The Courage to Change: by Debbie from Living Life

Sheila — Tue, 21 May 2013 11:00:08 +0000

I’m very pleased to introduce you to our Guest Blogger, Debbie from Living Life. As you will see, Debbie is a very talented writer from the UK, and also hosts a very successful Facebook page. Please everyone, a warm welcome to Debbie

Just over two years ago, my whole world turned upside down when I finally woke up and didn’t like what I saw. My life had become a tangled mess; filled with lies, deceit, cover up and was a constant raging war to change an alcoholic. I am a determined woman and was used to rising to a challenge but I eventually came to realize that a battle with alcoholism was one that I was never going to win. I finally gave up because I knew that I had tried everything within my power to cajole, support, threaten, monitor, mollycoddle and control the monster illness that is alcoholism but with zero success. Each time that I thought I had hunted down every last bottle of alcohol, another one appeared. I found them in every conceivable place; closets, clothes, laundry baskets and plant bushes in the garden. I had developed my hearing to such a degree that I could hear a beer cap being removed at half a mile. (And the kids wonder why I can hear them opening the cookie jar from the next room!) I poured copious amounts of alcohol down the drain. I tried everything I could possibly think of to make a difference. Nothing I did seemed to work.

Alcoholism is a momentous force to be reckoned with and can only be stopped if the person decides that they want to stop and then takes steps to make that happen. I had been promised a million times that things would change, a new leaf would be turned and an improved man would rise to the surface. I couldn’t afford to wait to find out if that would ever happen because I was in serious danger of losing my own mind. I had become a co-dependent and my whole life was governed by the behaviour of an addict. I would say that I’d done a pretty good job of covering for him as most of our friends and family were surprised when all came to light. However, at what expense had this cover up been achieved? I was exhausted with the weight of it all. I’d like to be able to tell you that I came to a rational, informed and calm decision to walk away but it didn’t happen like that.

One Friday night, I finally snapped. After irrational, aggressive, abusive and alcohol-fueled behaviour, I said, “No more.” I was ‘sick and tired’ of being ‘sick and tired.’ I’d reached the end of the line with my alcoholic. I would not allow this putrid and toxic illness to destroy my whole family. I called ‘time’ on being in the same home with this man who I didn’t even recognise anymore. I could not change the alcoholic but by God, I could change things for myself and my four precious children.

And so I did. Come Monday morning, I swallowed my pride and took myself off down to the welfare office to register for benefits, I met with the bank manager and asked for a break in my mortgage payments until I could get back on track, I registered my children for free school meals, I contacted all the credit card companies and dealt with each of them, one by one and then I collapsed and cried a river full of tears.

Naively, I suppose I still held out hope that my alcoholic would change. Surely the separation would do the trick, no. Surely the threat of divorce and then the actual divorce would be the catalyst needed to change things, no. What about everyone knowing about his illness? No. Stopping contact with the children would surely be the final straw that made the difference, no. Absolutely nothing outside of the alcoholic can change them; only an internal desire and decision to stop drinking on their part will bring about change.

So, where are we now, just over two years on from that pivotal Friday night? My alcoholic and I are divorced. I am no longer reliant on welfare to feed and clothe my children. I am making mortgage payments again. There is no longer credit companies involved. I have returned to work and am teaching again. I’ve learned who my friends are and know exactly who is there for me when it really counts. I’m learning to implement a 12-step program in my life which enables me to live a life of serenity. (Ok…not all the time but I’m more serene than I used to be! J ) Occasionally, I still cry but there are droplets not rivers of tears. I have felt like never before that God is real and near to me.

Now what of my four children? The older ones have had to grow up before their time. They saw a devoted, loving father turn into a stranger. They know that alcoholism is a family illness and that its damage can cause cracks that tear families apart. They sometimes keep their thoughts and emotions bottled up, but other times they let them out and we have kicked doors, shouting, swearing, blaming and tears. They are learning that it’s possible to love the alcoholic but hate the illness. We are all learning to leave the alcoholic to God and never give up hope that he will find sobriety.

Why am I sharing all this with you? I share this for one reason only and that is to give those who need it hope. No situation is so bad that it cannot be changed. If you are worried about a drinking problem, be it in yourself or a loved one, seek help sooner rather than later. If you love someone with a drink problem, it is possible to find serenity whether they are drinking or not. I don’t promise you that it will be easy but it is possible. You may have to walk away for your own safety and sanity. If I can do it, then so can you. I pray you have the courage to change.

Posted by Debbie Kemp from Living Life. Thank you Debbie for your beautiful piece!

Middle School Mentality Happens at All Ages

Sheila — Sat, 18 May 2013 21:18:00 +0000

We all remember Middle School, especially us girls, with the nasty little cliques and mean spiritedness in the air. We’d cry and stress over who wants to be our friend, and those that once were our friends who have turned on us. It’s all very exhausting and manipulative, and when we finally graduate our first twelve years of school we sigh with relief that we are now adults and these things surely won’t happen anymore!

Truth is they do. We’ve all experienced mean girl syndrome. Whether we’re college age or middle aged, it still crops up. Still, even at these later ages, it’s mainly females who are the culprits yet again, although some males – not many in my experience – seem to love drama as well. I’ve talked to a few friends recently and we’ve come to some conclusions. Some people just drag negativity around with them like a worn out security blanket. They don’t even know it, but they feed off it; they feel secure in that dark place (even when they tout how wonderful and positive their life is). They seek out others who are just as negative and needy – for comfort and stability. Of course they don’t realize it at the time, but just like most behaviors in life, it develops subconsciously.

We all know someone like this, it’s just that many don’t know what the signs are. I know I sure didn’t until just recently. They are the ones who are always sick, the ones who are followed around by tragedy and pain, the ones who attract bad relationships and build them on lies and weak foundations. When you surround yourself with these types, you will find yourself becoming physically ill and mentally drained, confused, and stressed out. They are the ones who will tell anyone anything to either keep a friend or to become one. There are also those that will listen to any story and believe it, even when it simply does not make sense. They might present themselves as a wonderful person but inside are very insecure and unhappy.

They are the ones who claim to abhor drama, but reach out for it at every step and welcome it as soon as it makes an appearance. They are unable to rationalize or apply common sense when drama comes their way, and are more likely to believe anything presented to them because it seems to ignite and fuel their distorted view of the world. Their world within them, rather than what they present falsely on the outside. Unfortunately many of these people do not hold long term relationships and we find them stirring the same bubbling cauldron of drama quite often.

It’s difficult when you have a personality like I do – that of a “fixer”. I’m constantly, to a fault, trying to fix people; Constantly trying to make sense of people. And in my field I’m well aware that individuals can only fix themselves, yet I still fall prey to my own mind sometimes. I’ve been bitten in the ass more than once over this, yet I still feel to stand up for what I believe is right and still is the best thing for me to do.

It also drives me nuts to have people think poorly of me. Especially those who I’ve called a friend in past. But, just like in Middle School, there’s always going to be that person who is so unhappy with their life, that they will intentionally spread lies and need to harm others to get into a certain crowd. You might even find afterwards, upon talking to impartial people, that this person said some things to indicate their jealousy of you, or their hatred for you – because they didn’t have the bonds of that friendship that you possessed. Quite sad really, and honestly, at any age it’s quite troubling.

People will believe about you what they will. You cannot change that; you cannot fix that. In time, the truth will appear, usually after they’ve learned whatever lesson it is the universe is trying to present to them. By surrounding yourself with stable, healthy people is always, without a doubt, the best route. Also, keep in mind, that you should never, ever have to convince an authentic friend of your character. When you find it’s necessary to defend your character to a friend, chances are that friend was never actually a true friend at all.

As for wanting to fix people, you have to understand that it’s just not possible. As for wanting to fix wrongs done to you – sometimes you just have to let it go. You have to realize that sometimes losing friends is truly a gift! It is a gift to your self, to your health, to your own mental stability. So if you are feeling down over the loss of a friendship, picture it as a beautifully dressed package with a big gorgeous bow tied upon it, flowing down upon the sides. It is a gift just for you, of a new healthy start. I guarantee you when you let go of the burden of negative relationships, you will feel the weight lift and the burden ease instantaneously. And… with any luck you will have learned something from it that you can apply to the future.