We don’t blog much about, and certainly don’t advocate much for, demands. But sometimes a seemingly rash move like a demand can really shake things up–in good ways.

Last week a good friend of mine back east quit his job. His boss, who rarely had anything but criticism and sarcasm for him said, “I didn’t think you’d have the guts to do what’s best for yourself.” Then the two of them sat down and had a heart-to-heart that lasted over two hours!

This got me thinking–it seemed like the boss, too, was caught in some kind of pattern that was harmful even to herself. She experienced a kind of relief, too, when my friend quit–essentially, did the only thing in his power to demand the behavior stop. She also expressed some sadness and regret that things had gone the way they did. Once my friend unilaterally changed the terms of their relationship by walking out, the boss also got freed up to be more herself–got more access to her full humanity.

Which got me thinking about how sometimes we get stuck in patterns we don’t want, or might not even be aware of.  And how we–or our kids–can feel stuck in a pattern, even as we defend our behavior in that pattern. And how making a unilateral decision–in this case, a demand–can turn things around.

Last night, my son tried repeatedly to hit me. I restrained him and told my son in very clear terms that trying to hurt people isn’t a way we deal with feelings in this family. Once he stopped fighting me, he seemed to feel some relief that he didn’t “have to” resort to this behavior that he didn’t feel entirely good about. There’s no real way to sugar coat this–it was a demand. I insisted that he stop hitting, and I restrained him until he stopped and agreed not to try to hurt me. (I am hoping he grows out of this before he becomes too big to restrain…)

I dislike making demands. I would much rather request what I want. But for myself, when it comes to hitting, I have a bottom line–I do demand that it stop. At the same time, I also wanted to maintain my sense of connection with my son.

So, as I held his swinging arms, I explained some reasons I was preventing him from hitting. I was concerned that no one would want to be his friend if he treated them that way. I also told him that when he got older, if he treated people this way, he could wind up in jail, and I didn’t want that to happen. Both true, both seemed to impact him. So it wasn’t just a battle of wills, it was a boundary with a reason attached.

When I was a kid, my parents set rules but rarely enforced them. This gave me an ungrounded sense, that I could somehow float away and not be noticed. I also lost respect for my parents, and felt more powerful than I was comfortable with. So I guess I’ve gone the other direction and now want to make sure my son knows that I am in charge, he has safe boundaries to thrash around in and that I mean what I say.

I also feel pretty clear that hitting is one of the only areas where I feel myself move into “demand” space. Much of the rest of our day-to-day feels like it has more wiggle room.

But I wanted to raise the issue of making demands because I feel like it’s gotten a bit of a bad rap (and maybe I’ve even contributed to that) and I wanted to look at demands in a different light, as something that can bring relief to all parties concerned.

What do you think? Do you make demands, and if so, when? How do you feel about them? How does that work out?

I’ve talked a lot here about giving kids attention but I haven’t yet shared about the art of  conscious ignoring.  Well, I really do think there’s a time and place for everything and ignoring your kids can sometimes be the best choice in a given moment.

For instance, if you’re about to escalate a conflict, yell at them, curse, or otherwise treat them in ways you don’t want to, try ignoring instead.  By ignoring their behavior, you’re sending the message, I don’t like what you’re doing and you won’t get my attention by behaving in that way.

Often whether they know it or not, what kids are most wanting when they act in the most extreme ways, is your attention.  So, by removing your attention in the moments when you know you can’t respond responsibly, or in the times when you feel that giving them negative attention will just fuel the fire, you can actually create more calm and promote better behavior from your kids.

Obviously this is not a strategy to use very often, and if your tendency is to withhold your attention, watch out.  What I’m talking about here is making a conscious choice to ignore, as the best choice among others in your repertoire; not getting in the habit of automatically taking away your attention to coerce kids to behave in ways we want them to.   My point is that we all have times when if we had just been able to turn away rather than engage in an old unhealthy pattern, things would have turned out better.

For instance, I will often point it out if a child I’m with is whining because I don’t enjoy it and want kids to learn ways to communicate that will be effective and pleasant for everyone.  But there are times when kids are just so tired they can’t stop, and my pointing it out only makes things more difficult.  In those moments, I choose to ignore the whining and focus on what’s going on underneath.

In the same way, I often ignore nose picking and potty talk, because pointing them out in the moment isn’t the most connecting choice.  If I feel it’s an issue that must be discussed, I might bring it up another time.  But telling a kid to take his finger out of his nose can be embarrassing for him and disconnecting for us, especially if others are in earshot.  I’d rather ignore it in the moment and talk about it later.

Another situation in which ignoring can be the best choice is when your child is doing something she knows she shouldn’t, but she wants to see if you’ll react.  You can tell this is happening when she looks up at you just before she does what you clearly don’t want her to do.  I’ve found that by taking a deep breath and walking away rather than engaging in a power struggle, I can reduce the incidence of the behavior (because part of the allure was getting my attention anyway), maintain my own composure and power, and send the message that it’s not OK with me, all without raising my voice.

I’m curious, do you have experiences with the art of conscious ignoring?  How did it go?  Was there a time when you wish you had ignored rather than engaged?  Please share!

I’m gearing up for a five-day retreat in which I’ll study Nonviolent Communication Mediation intensively. As many of you know, I work as a mediator and Shelly and I use the insights of Nonviolent Communication, based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, in our work here at Awake Parent.

One of my favorite insights, or, “reframes,” as my girlfriend likes to call it, is taking the phrase “I have to…” and rephrasing it as, “I choose to…because I want…” So, for example, “I have to go to this stupid job I hate,” might become something like, “I choose to keep this job because the salary affords me things I want and need, like health insurance, and the peace of mind that comes with knowing I have reliable income.”

Wow–what a difference a little phrasing makes! In the first example, I’m a victim of circumstance, and some outside force is “making” me go to work. In the second, I acknowledge a) that I am making a choice (after all, I am), and all the reasons I keep making that choice.

Now what about with the young people in our lives? What might be another way of communicating something we aren’t giving them a choice about?

Let’s try some of these:

You have to clean your room.
You have to brush your teeth every day.
You have to go to bed now.

How do you feel when someone tells you you “have to” do something? My first internal response is, “No, I don’t.” I think  that’s the part of me that loves and needs the joy and beauty of freedom. This need for autonomy is something we all have. And, as convenient as it might be to tell our kids they “have to” do something, I think some different ways of phrasing it can open opportunities for more connection, more understanding, and enabling them to develop a deeper and more nuanced way of engaging with the world.

See what you think of these:

Let’s clean up your room. Or, Do you like your room the way it is? Would you like some help straightening it up? Or, Would you like to clean your room now, or after dinner?

Brushing your teeth every day takes away the bacteria that make plaque that make holes in your teeth. Can you imagine what it would be like to try to chew your food if your teeth had holes in them? Do you know what the dentist does to fix your teeth when you get a cavity?

It’s bedtime. Or, It’s 8:30. Or, I want to make sure you get enough sleep so that you have the energy to do all you want to do tomorrow.

I’m getting tired. Please tell me that by now, I don’t need to explain in great detail why the second options might go farther in creating the connections you want with your children. And above all, don’t tell me that I “have to.”

Seriously, what are you telling yourself or your children you or they “have to” do?  Are you willing to try phrasing it differently so you don’t “have to” do anything?

Please let me know how it goes.

In freedom,

Jill

The goddess Kali

OK, I’ll admit it, I haven’t seen the movie, The Upside of Anger, but I have experienced the benefits of anger for myself.  I know it sounds strange, but hear me out.

As a young child I was terrified of anger.  I was pretty much convinced that anger was the exact opposite of love and I did whatever I could to avoid the wrath of my parents.  My theory about anger was proven right when I saw my parents who were often angry at each other eventually stop loving each other and divorce.  So I resolved never to induce anger in others and also never to express it.  You see, I’m all about the love and since anger was the opposite of love it had to go.

Everything seemed to go smoothly as I grew up, I focused on the positive, shoved my anger down and put on a happy face.  And people seemed to like it.  I was pleasant to be around, made friends easily, and got lots and lots of positive feedback.

Fast-forward twenty years…  At twenty-five years old I was still doing my best to ignore my anger but I began to notice that it had begun to seep out in “passive aggressive” ways.  I didn’t mean to snap at my roommate or huff away and give my friend the silent treatment, yet I found myself doing these things.  I even noticed myself doing petty things like taking the larger piece of cake and offering the smaller one to someone I was irritated with.

Eventually my super close friends called me out on it.  “Shelly, what’s the deal?” they asked.  “You must be frustrated and angry sometimes and yet you never complain or seem irritated.  What’s up with that?”

I realized that my friends really loved me and wanted to know EVERYTHING about my internal experience.  So, after lots of frightened tears and even more loving reassurance I began to trust that they would still be able to love me, even if I shared my anger with them.

At first my anger came out in bursts and explosions of pent up emotion and I worried that I was damaging my relationships.  But my friends were patient and understanding with me and over time I learned to express my upset when it happened.  I even learned how to direct my anger outward or into an inanimate object rather than AT anyone

Now I celebrate my anger!  I see my anger as my protector and my motivator.  When I feel angry, I know that it’s time to find a healthy way to express it and after screaming in the car or hitting a pillow I can take a look at what changes I want to initiate.  Sometimes when I’m feeling angry I remember the Hindu goddess Kali.  She’s the goddess of creation, preservation, and destruction.  She is both fierce and loving.  She destroys and then creates anew.  So, her anger has a purpose and so does yours.

This week, look at your frustration and anger in a new light.  Ask yourself what changes your anger is helping you to initiate.  I’d love to hear all about your own journey with anger.  Please share it here!  Big hugs and love, Shelly

I want to appreciate you, just for being the parent you are.

Will you join me?

Would you please take a moment…even a fraction of a
second…right now…and appreciate yourself as a parent?

Seriously.

How often do we take time–even a nanosecond–to appreciate not what we’re doing, but simply that we are being the grown-up in this little person or these little people’s lives?

Just the fact of our existence and presence means they get to have a sense of themselves in the world as someone important, someone loved, someone special.

We are that gift!

No matter what human frailties we have exhibited, what things we’ve said or done that weren’t as we wished…we are here. And they are right where they are because we brought them into our lives.

So I say to you today: Well done, parents!

And if we do want to take it a step further…

Let’s appreciate our inherently human qualities…those things that mean the world to little ones (even though they may not realize it).

The warmth of our hugs…

The shine in our eyes when we watch them…

The glow of our smile…

Just as we appreciate the young people in our lives, just for being them…let’s take a moment to appreciate ourselves–just for being us–and what an amazing impact we have–just by being ourselves–on the lives of the young ones we care for.

Thank you, all parents, from the bottom of my heart, for showing up in whatever ways you can. It means the world to your children.

I know I can forget to appreciate myself…when I do, like right now, I realize, Wow, I am, after all, enough. Maybe even more than enough.

How do you feel when you take the time to appreciate yourself? Please tell me in the space below.

Warmly,

Jill

The other day I was chatting with a friend and she was complaining that whenever she sees her niece all she remembers from the experience is lack of cooperation and a seeming mantra of “No! No! No!”  Her sister follows her niece around asking questions like “how about this?” or “what about that?”  And the constant refrain is, “no, no, no.”

Wow, can I relate.  I do not enjoy hearing “no” so in my work with kids I’ve learned some great strategies to avoid and get around the “no.”  And then at other times, I’ve chosen to accept the no by tuning in to the yes behind the no.  If you think about it, there’s always something we’re saying yes to, and often it’s related to the thing we’re saying no to.  For instance, when I say no to a candy bar, I’m saying yes to my health and well-being.

On the other side of the spectrum I just visited some friends who do their best to say yes as much as possible and refuse to even use the word “no” with their son.  I think that’s a fantastic practice since “yes!” often produces much more connection and excitement than “no.”  How can you translate your no’s into yeses this week?

When I remember that kids are constantly trying to figure out the rules of life, the boundaries of those around them, and their own sense of autonomy and power I can understand why they would start using a powerful “no” just about as soon as they turn 2 years old.  By remembering what kids are up to developmentally, I’m able to connect with those underlying needs, and I immediately have more compassion for the little one crying “NO!” with all her might.

So let’s start with what to do when you have the most capacity for compassion and we’ll move toward situations that are more challenging.  When you’re well rested, well fed and feeling great, you can actually enjoy your child’s “no.”  You might offer some empathy, “Wow, you feel really strongly about that, huh?” Or provide a new perspective, “I see, so you’re saying ‘no’ to getting in the car because you’re saying ‘yes’ to playing with your toys.  What else can we say yes to right now?”

By pointing out the yes behind the no, you can help your child recognize what he’s saying yes to in a given moment.  And that’s a great skill because it encourages a positive outlook and the ability to focus on what he’s enjoying rather than ruminating about what he doesn’t want.

Then again, sometimes you’ve got to get to the grocery store or to her sister’s soccer game.  So in cases where there’s really no choice and you want your child to comply, try a more directive phrase rather than asking a question.  “It’s time to get in the car now.  Let’s go.” Works better than, “Are you ready to go?”  This is especially effective with younger kids, but it works with older kids too, and here’s why.

When you ask a question, you’re implying that there’s a choice.  But when it’s just a habitual way of reminding your child to comply with your implicit demand, it comes off as false and kids end up feeling frustrated and forced.

Here’s a challenge for the coming week:  Every time you want your child to do something consider whether it’s a demand or a request.  If it’s a request, then ask and accept your child’s answer even if it’s “no.”   A great phrase to use for a true request is, “Would you be willing to…?” If on the other hand it’s actually a demand, use more directive language without asking a question.

If you practice this over time, your children will begin to recognize that sometimes there are true requests and it’s OK to say no, and the no will be respected.  Other times there are demands and even if they protest you’ll follow through because you’re in charge and this is what’s best for your family. By having a balance of the two, you’ll help create feelings of satisfaction and autonomy through your true requests and a deep sense of safety at the times when they know it’s best to defer to your decision.

Try to remember to be engaging and inviting, even when you’re making a demand though.  Children ultimately want peace and safety in the parent-child relationship.  So making lots of demands and having little compassion for your child’s protests will not build the trusting connection you most want.  But tuning in to their needs and desires can go a long way to building that trust and connection.  “I see that you really want to stay at the park and play and I wish we could stay longer, but it’s time to go now.  Wanna race me to the car?”

Another great way to handle a “no” is to bring your sense of humor to the interaction.  You can pretend that you’re devastated or inept, “Oh no!  What will I do without your help?  I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it all by myself.”  Or pretend to be a servant, “May I take your plate to the sink my liege?”

Now for the yeses, in order to create a new habit of “yes” to replace the habit of saying “no” to everything, it’ll take some practice.  I recommend taking some time every day to ask your child questions that she’s bound to say yes to.  “Is your favorite color yellow?” or “Do you love it when Buster licks your face?” and even, “Want some ice cream for desert?”

Even more important than asking questions that will produce a yes, modeling an enthusiastic “YES!” to life whenever you can will change the culture of your home.  After all, there’s always something to say yes to, don’t you think? …I thought so

At least you're not frozen here for eternity...

A lot of these tips sound great in theory, right? And anything is possible when we’ve got our wits about us. But what about those times when we’re really just about to fall into despair? (Or have already fallen?)

I confess: I’ve called Shelly and said, “Help! I feel like a hypocrite–here I am writing and teaching about parenting stuff and I’m about to lose it myself!”

Granted, I may feel more challenged with some of my child’s ways than other parents do with their children. But I think many of us at least once in a while find ourselves at–or over–the brink of despair when we most need energy to cope.

I’m learning that “losing it” can be an important part of the process. Certainly, if it’s happening, it’s part of the process no matter what. I’ve talked recently about How to be in charge and still stay connected, as well as Imagining ahead of time how things will go.

Now I want to say a few words about what to do with some of our own more unsettling emotions, like despair.

The other night I was doing my usual juggling act of trying to clean the kitchen, feed my son, and not forget to feed myself (he eats so few things our dinners are almost always separate).  It had been a hard day, and I was trudging along, doing what needed to be done.

As occasionally happens, he complained loudly about the food. That did it. I just didn’t have anything else in me to respond. So, I did what I’ve watched others do, but never had the nerve to do myself: I went limp. I said, “I can’t deal with this.” And I went into my room, closed the door and lay down.

Wow–what a moment. For once, I didn’t “make it okay.” It made me realize how much energy I spend all the time trying to “make it okay,” and here I was feeling not at all okay. And my son knew it.

After a few minutes, my depletion began to ebb. I went back into the kitchen, obviously still feeling down.  My son came to me and took my hand. He looked me in the eye. “Thank you for dinner,” he said. Then, “Thank you for EVERYTHING.”

Wow. I still tear up when I think of this. It meant so much to me.

In retrospect, I think it was my choosing to show him the depths of my despair that led him to, completely of his own accord, offer up such an amazing display of gratitude. My actions told him, “I have limits. I need appreciation. I can’t operate indefinitely without rest and replenishment.”

I feel as though I could write reams about this. I also have other examples of sharing strong emotions consciously (and not-so-consciously…though we can learn from those, too!) that I’ll share in future entries.

What do you do when you’re feeling despairing? I’d love to know–please tell me in the comment box below.

Warmly,

Jill

Did you hear about my tele-seminar with Shera Davis on September
2nd?  It was so much fun and we got to answer some specific
questions from parents like you about how to handle tantrums
lovingly.  Shera’s insights and suggestions were fantastic!

Because I appreciate you and enjoy having you as a member of Awake
Parent Perspectives I’d like to offer you free access to the
recording of the tele-seminar.  Take some time out today to listen
and discover:

-The two biggest unmet needs your child desperately starves for
-A lesson Mary Poppins would be proud of — and how you can use it
-How you can prevent melt-downs before they happen. (It takes only
five minutes a day
-Three strategies for handling the non-stop “why” questions – get
the relief you need
-The most powerful way of showing your child you love them
unconditionally – an invaluable bonding experience
-What’s really ticking you off in heated situations? Use the
H.A.L.T. formula to find out.

Check out the recording of the tele-seminar here:
Listen here

To download a copy, right-click and choose ’save as’:
Shera & Shelly Tele-seminar

And if you want even more in-depth information on these topics
including support materials that will help you integrate these new
tools into your life, check out the Perspectives on Feelings Audio
Program.  It comes with a workbook, transcript, and an 11 week
email course that will walk you through the exercises and help you
relate to your child’s big feelings in a whole new way.

Thanks for being with us!  Warmly, Shelly

It’s finally hitting my son—he has two homes now. He’s struggling to make sense of it, and sometimes lashing out at me. I mean really lashing out—hitting, telling me he doesn’t live with me any more, and that I’m not part of his family. I’ve been thrown for more loops than I can count in a very short period of time. And it’s always like a surprise kick in the gut.

I realized I was kind of going victim about it all. I was seeing these scenario’s as something that was “happening to” me—I was not helping create them, but just reacting to them—in very knee-jerk, disempowered ways: impotent rage, fighting him in petty power struggles, taking it personally, and giving up and getting depressed.

Finally it dawned on me: I could create exactly the scenario I wanted. Not in terms of controlling his behavior, but in terms of choosing my own state of mind and being. I started to envision ahead of time how I would respond to him when he next “acted out.” I would hold a space for him, listen for his feelings and needs, and not let him hurt himself or me.

This gave me confidence—the next time he “threw a tantrum,” I was prepared. What a difference it made! He tried repeatedly to hit me—I held his arms so he couldn’t. He shouted blood curdling screams that he was in danger. I told him calmly that he was safe, and that I would not let him hurt himself or me. This went on for about twenty minutes.

After he moved through his big feelings, he became alert, loving, and connected—he just wanted to lie in my arms and rest and chat. I felt so grateful that I had found a way to feel loving toward him during and after this enormous expression of feeling. As recently as the day before this scenario, I would have been too triggered myself to really be there for him, and would have wanted to take space, or put him away from me to “cool down.”

After trying my trick—visualizing the scenario, and imagining myself exactly as I wanted to be—I was able to give him my presence instead of my absence during his worst moment. Instead of making his difficult moment worse, I could be there for him even when he was fighting me with all his might—and stay close to him until the bitter end. At least this time.

Confused about how to deal with tantrums? I sure was. I couldn’t figure out why my students or charges would just flip out over seemingly trivial things like the color of their socks. There were times when I changed the color of a child’s cup so many times I had a huge pile of dishes by the end of lunch. Sometimes I felt like I was dealing with a crazy person.

I KNOW you’ve experienced this. One minute, things are fine and the next, your child is screaming, throwing herself on the floor and crying so hard she can hardly even catch her breath to tell you what happened. Then, when you finally discover what set her off, you’re left wondering how that could possibly matter enough to create such a huge reaction.

As a parent or caregiver experiencing a child’s tantrum, we can feel confused, powerless, and overwhelmed. I’ve often thought, “Oh no! What went wrong? And how can I get her to stop?”

But after experiencing more and more tantrums, I began to discover that getting kids to stop isn’t always the most connecting thing we can do. Not only that, but when kids freak out, it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

In my own life, I’ve really valued being able to release my feelings through crying or raging, so why would I want to take that experience of release and relief away from the young people in my life?

I’ve found that by relating to tantrums in a new way, I have a completely different experience. Now, when I see a child “lose it” I feel compassion and understanding and sometimes even joy in the knowledge that they won’t be carrying around the weight of that emotional baggage for the rest of their lives, instead, they’ve released their feelings fully in the moment.

And, after being with a child during a good cry, I’ve had some of the sweetest, most connected moments. I’m always amazed too that kids can let go of their upset so quickly. I’ve had countless experiences where a child was screaming one minute and happily playing alone the next.

So, my advice is to remember that emotions are always moving and changing, no matter what you do, so why not celebrate and enjoy them?!

The other thing I’ve reailized through my many many hours with young people is that tantrums are often preventable. Try following the guidelines below and create a more peaceful and connected life for you and your kids.

Prevent- I’ve found that many tantrums come from a child’s frustration with unmet needs for autonomy, play, and attention. By addressing these needs throughout the day, you can prevent many tantrums from happening. “How?”, you ask? Here are a few ideas for how to address these common unmet needs that most children have.

• Autonomy- Let them do it by themselves, allow them to choose, and let them be in charge sometimes. You could even assign a task to your kids, put someone in charge and let them figure out how to accomplish the task. Be available to help if they really need it, but resist the urge to jump in to add your suggestions.

• Play- Get down and dirty, be silly, wear a funny hat and talk in an accent. Children learn by playing, so if they don’t get enough play, they crave it. You might be surprised at how little time it actually takes to turn something into a game.

• Attention- The next time she has something to tell you, stop what you’re doing and really be present with her. Give her your undivided attention. Ask questions to draw her ideas out more fully and let her know that her thoughts, opinions, and new skills matter to you.

Educate- Teaching kids how to identify and express their emotions BEFORE they’ve lost control is another great way to prevent tantrums. But you can also use a tantrum that happened earlier, to teach your kids what precipitated it. “Wow, sweetie, remember earlier when you were crying and hitting? It seems like you were feeling really frustrated because you really wanted to continue playing your game. Is that right? I wonder if the next time you’re feeling frustrated you could say, ‘I’m frustrated, I really want to play with my train Mom!’ That way, we can figure out a solution that works for both of us.”

Listen- If you’re unable to head it off at the pass or talk your way through it, the most connecting thing you can do is to take a few minutes, sit down and listen to your child cry. By supporting kids in expressing themselves, and staying with them through the storm, we let them know that we’ll love them no matter what and it’s ok to have big feelings.

For more great tips about how to deal with tantrums and other big feelings check out our audio program Perspectives on Feelings. It comes with a workbook, transcript, and an 11 week e-course to help you integrate what you’ve learned.

Oh! And I have an interview coming up! You can sign up, ask your most pressing questions about tantrums, and listen in on the call. I hope to connect with you there.

I’d love to know how it’s going at home. Please leave your comments below!

Thanks, Shelly