No wonder. All those events and activities, family gatherings. The kids are out of school again, house guests are coming, or you’re planning a trip. Don’t even mention shopping for gifts, sending greeting cards or decorating the house. The credit cards are maxed out, you’ve got more chores than you can shake a stick at and your “to do” list is longer than Santa’s beard.

And you swore it would all be different this year. Take heart. It’s not too late. With intention, it really can be different this year.

First thing to remember: take good care of yourself: Eat healthfully, get plenty of rest, exercise, drink lots of water. Breathe deeply. Relax and have fun.

During the holidays when already too-busy lives become even more hectic, some serious time management is in order. Write down a list of all the things you want to do. Prioritize.

Assign some chores to the children. Consider scratching a few items off your list.

Make a budget and stick to it. Remember, it’s not the price, but the thoughtfulness of the gift. Use gift certificates if you’re unsure of what to give.

Remember, adults aren’t the only ones who feel more stress during the holiday season. Children experience it, too. Keep communications lines open and spend quality time with your youngsters. This is a wonderful time to share your family’s holiday traditions through story- telling or special seasonal activities.

Getting the young ones outside the house, for full- body exercise will help them and you to work off stress. Go out and play together.
Having house guests? Try to make them as self- sufficient as possible. Ask for help. And even though it might be fun, don’t wear yourself out by staying up late every night, or stuffing each day as full as a Christmas goose.

Family gatherings may be complex, given blended families and special holiday arrangements. Conflicting family expectations and demands can create guilt and resentment. If family gatherings cause tension and anxiety, consider alternatives that can lessen the effects.

Make plans well enough in advance to avoid any last minute surprises or disappointments.

Finally, take time for yourself. Find a place where you can be quiet and restful. Take a walk, breathe in the fresh air. Look around you, notice nature’s response to the season and let yourself be amazed.

Those Holiday Blues Are Real

It’s not unusual to feel down during the holidays. In fact, so many people experience feelings of sadness or loss, of being overwhelmed at this time of year, even the name for it has become a cliché: the Holiday Blues.

As the name implies, these blues are seasonal. When the holidays are over, they’ll probably disappear right along with the decorations and last of the Christmas cookies. But they are real and their symptoms can dampen an otherwise joyous holiday experience.

Here are some symptoms and some solutions:

• Feelings of loss or separation from loved ones may be intensified during the holidays.
• Fatigue from holiday stress affects you emotionally as well as physically.
• Families and family traditions change. Are you hanging onto old ideas or pictures?
• Media images of the perfect holidays seldom match anyone’s real life. Check your expectations against the reality of your situation.
• Over-indulging in food and drink will have aftereffects. So will lack of physical exercise, sleep and rest.
• If you’re feeling “the blues,” get support from friends and family. Don’t isolate.
• These feelings are real and valid. Acknowledge them.
• Make time to refill yourself. Reconnect with your source through whatever spiritual practices you use.
• Understand that this is a stressful time. And that it will be over. Experiencing the holiday blues is part of the common experience.

Feelings beyond “the blues” and feelings that are more debilitating, or that extend beyond the holiday season, may signal depression. If this is true for you, don’t hesitate to ask for help.

Patricia loves her job and her boss. The only thorn is that her boss prizes punctuality and Patricia just can’t seem to be on time for anything, whether it’s a team meeting or that project that was due last week.

What Stan and Patricia have in common is self-sabotage. It eats away inside, creating a cycle of self- destruction with the result that we aren’t really living the life we want for ourselves.

When you’re aligned with your values, you feel inner harmony, your choices are more easily made, and your actions are in accord with your true self.

Take this quiz to see how well you are living in sync with your values…

1. I have spent time clarifying my values and can easily articulate them.
2. My values are my own. I have not simply adopted them from parents, teachers or other outside influences.
3. I based my choice of occupation on my deepest values.
4. My values are in alignment with the company I work for (or own).
5. My business associates and I regularly examine how we are living up to our values and mission.
6. I turn down money-making or status-building opportunities when they conflict with my values.
7. In resolving disputes at work, I look beneath the apparent problem to see if values are being dishonored, and then I seek ways to honor them.
8. Anyone looking at my life from the outside would see what I value.
9. I use my values as a guidepost for making decisions. I ask if a particular choice would bring me closer to—or further from—a core value.
10. When I feel upset, it’s almost always because my values are being trampled—either by me, someone else, or the situation.
11. I am not easily swayed by others’ opinions when they conflict with my values.
12. To remain open and flexible, I am willing to re-examine my values to determine whether something is still true for me.
13. I find creative ways to honor all of my values—even when they conflict with one another.
14. My work values are in harmony with my personal and relationship values.
15. If I live according to my values, I will feel satisfied and successful throughout my life.

If you answered false more often than true, you may wish to clarify your deepest values and bring your life into greater alignment with them. Please don’t hesitate to call if you’d like support in doing this.

Matt ordered a new printer for his office. When it arrived he discovered it wasn’t compatible with his computer. “Those idiots,” he ranted, “why didn’t they tell me this was the wrong printer?”

Sally and Jerry had a fight. Now Sally’s tossing and turning in the bedroom while Jerry beds down on the sofa. Neither is getting any sleep and both think the other should make the first move to apologize.

Josie, Matt, Sally and Jerry all have in common a lack of self- responsibility that leaves them dependent, impotent and victimized. They’re caught up in blaming others for their problems and waiting for somebody else to come along and make their life all right. Unfortunately, they’re going to have a long wait because, in the words of self-esteem expert Nathaniel Branden, “No one is coming.”

That is the good news. Your life is in your hands. You get to make the choices, elect the options and take the actions that come with self- responsibility. It’s through the door of self-responsibility that personal power and independence enter, often hand-in-hand, bearing gifts of confidence and self-esteem.

Be clear, though: self-responsibility is not the same as feeling responsible or accepting the blame for bad things that have happened or situations that are painful. We don’t all enter the world with the same trappings, and people, events or circumstances have caused wounds from which many are recovering. Self-responsibility means that when you have worked through your grief or anger or other issues, you can ask yourself: Now what am I going to do? What options do I have?

At the other end, self-responsibility doesn’t mean becoming so self-reliant that you don’t ask for help when you need it or seek others’ opinions or points of view. And it certainly doesn’t mean you have to know everything, make every decision alone or take on the world single-handedly.

Rather than a heavy burden, self- responsibility can be a source of joy. Knowing you can create the life you want by accepting responsibility for yourself is a great freedom. Even saying the words aloud can produce a feeling of power and strength. Try it.

• I am responsible for my choices and actions.
• I am responsible for how I use my time.
• I am responsible for my behavior and communication with others.
• I am responsible for achieving my desires, dreams and wishes.
• I am responsible for the work I do and the quality I bring to that work.
• I am responsible for the values I live by and standards I set.

Accepting and acting out of self-responsibility takes practice and working through and making mistakes and falling back and, again, finding yourself in a place you didn’t want to be. But that’s the thing about personal growth, the place to start is where you are.

Unfortunately, the myth of Narcissus is too often our concept of self-love. We believe that if we love ourselves, we are selfish and self-centered, that falling in love with self means conceit and self-absorption. In fact, the opposite is true. Self-love is an honoring of the self that requires a high degree of independence and courage. The love we give others will be enhanced by the love we give ourselves.

A lack of self-love is a sign of low self-esteem or self-worth and shows its face in many ways: a refusal to enjoy life, workaholism, perfectionism, procrastination, guilt, and shame. Those who lack self-love avoid commitments, stay in destructive relationships, and fail to experience true intimacy with anyone. They practice negative self-talk, compare themselves with others, compete with others, caretake others and fail to take care of themselves. Unlike Narcissus, when they look in a mirror, they turn away.

Take the following true/false quiz to discover how much, and in what ways you detach from the present moment.

1. I have a tendency to live in the future, projecting into tomorrow, or next week or even years from now.
2. I spend much of my time thinking about the past, replaying conversations or reliving incidents, or I play “what if” in my mind.
3. Sometimes when I’m in conversation with someone, I can’t remember what was just said.
4. When eating a meal, my family often watches TV or reads.
5. In talking with someone, I think of how I’m going to respond rather than listening to what the other person is saying.
6. I tend to worry.
7. I try to figure out how things will work out or what someone else will do.
8. I often/frequently hope for something better or different.
9. I often/frequently dread something worse will happen.
10. I find myself always busy, with never a spare moment.
11. When I am feeling uncomfortable in a situation, I change the subject or get something to eat/drink/do.
12. I find it difficult to maintain eye contact when I’m talking with someone.
13. Sometimes I can’t remember what I just read or I don’t know what just took place in the movie or video I’m watching.
14. I take my cell phone everywhere and it’s always on.
15. My conversations with others tend to be about superficial subjects.
16. Rather than staying with my emotions and naming them (“I am feeling …”), I attempt to alter the feelings.
17. In my family or with my partner, we watch TV programs that we don’t really care about rather than interact with each other.

Many of us may feel a push-pull when it comes to intimacy.  We want to be closer to others, but the vulnerability that it demands is too frightening. Or we may feel restless or distracted or just plain uncomfortable when we attempt to stay in the present.

If you have any questions or you’d like to talk about your true responses to this quiz, please don’t hesitate to call.

Resent comes from the French word sentir, to feel or experience. To resent something or someone is to feel again the fear, the anger, the hurt, the humiliation, the pain of the original experience—real or imagined. Carried along with us, this feeling gets packed away in a bag labeled “Grudge” or “Blame.” It’s a bag full of judgments where other people are always wrong and at fault, and, after a while, it can make for a pretty heavy load.