Awe Full

Yo-Yo Existentialism

2008-10-22T07:24:00.002-05:00

Things work out the way they are supposed to work out. The problem comes when we assume that things will eventually work out the way we want them to. Cut that shit out, it's degrading--seriously.

Our design is to work out today with ourselves, not to work out the finished peice tommorow. Things happen, sometimes beyond our control. Don't look back, or I should say; don't run backwards. Sometimes things do happen too late--don't feel bad, try again next time--in a different context, a different person, a different place, a different game. Don't internalize your failures to the point it makes you a sore loser. You are not a loser, and if you feel like one--you were playing a game. If you have regret for a past relationship, it is your ego--not a broken heart. Most of what we call love in this life is codependency.

People in this world are so scared to be alone. Give them three days with no cell phone, no friends, no car or place to go and they start to freak out. --no one loves me, oh my god--Whatever happened to the strength of self-suffiency, not to be a hermit, but to say, hey--I'm alone, alright then--me time, woohoo!

Do you really know what to do without anyone else? Will you be the dog left alone, chewing the furniture?

Why do people seem to think they can 'win' a past relationship back? Because they think in terms of winning, and chances are they thought they 'won' all the other times their broken relationships or plans yo-yo'd back to them. Shit, well, the yo-yo didn't come back this time. Go get a different yo-yo, or better yet, Stop yo-yo'ing. Hold it in your hands, or drop it. Sometimes it doesn't come back. It's part of this life. Life only moves foward, but eventually

Everyone in this world dies alone.

I need stupid.

2008-10-13T13:26:00.002-05:00

Holy shit, what happened? Empirical nonsense in the theories of learning and after a few tit licks of horse humping and my brains are ready to explode and my GOD it is time to be stupid! AAAAAAAAA I am tired of school. I want it out, all that needless information, all those sanctioned stale fragments of conditioned stimuli and irrelevent responses--be gone! Erase now, be suppressed until midterms. LEAVE!

Rain

2008-09-03T13:07:00.004-05:00

Afternoon shower, delight; week long downpour, irritating. I wish I had an umbrella as far as bare necessities require, but I walk in the Gustav rain. Why can't they name these hurricanes southern names like, "Billy Bob".

Anyway, I get tired of abstractions when they get on my nerves. I could abstract the irritating rain, but what is the delight in that?

Attitude, it is all in your attitude--but any normal human being is affected by environmental challenges. A positive attitude is definitely helpful for the things that you can change, but for the impending shit-bombs of life a positive attitude is only chivalrous, possible, alleviating at best. I guess I'm just not the band aid type, and also too cheap (poor) to invest in an umbrella. I have one somewhere. So I say, "Here it comes, holy crap, I can't do anything about it." I can say that the rain will pass, it will. I was on a roll, though, things were working according to my energy. This, this just throws me out of line. Fuck you, Billy Bob.
Fuck you.

That's all I can do.
Damn.

Summoning

2008-09-02T10:05:00.006-05:00

In the narrow halls of my mind there is a shadow, lightening fast and deliberately timed. It slips in waves from my mind to my fingers. Pause. Create. It still echoes the smells and tastes and sounds of tatters and ink, like blood to a shameful murderer, but still my mind loosely grabs the trigger, unsure but encouraged to find myself waking again to another dream of dreams with bitter tastes and estranged musings. I've done this before but I hesitate. Should I delve into myself once more to discover the words of worlds?

Psyche

2008-08-29T19:00:00.003-05:00

And now I embark upon...

[stop] sound familiar? maybe--
'embark' on something, I've done that before
what happened?

...something real, achievable.

is it adaptable to change?
am I?

My bachelors in Psychology.

what are your motives for that?
God, I have to analyze everything
Is it even ethical?
This is the second time I've majored in this 2/3. It wins.

I have an edge because I could have more understanding.
Like that book I read, "An Unquiet Mind" by what's-her-face

Anyway, I love college. I wish I could just sleep on one of the benches on campus and be a student/bum for the rest of my life.

Ahhh...nice

2008-08-27T10:15:00.003-05:00

Back to school, to the place I lost my sanity blended into a magnificently delusional world of thoughts and creativity. I feel charged here, something about it is--meaningful, worthwhile, inspirational....and a simultaneous pain in the ass, but not to be demoted by the latter.

It's a good pain.

I feel in charge and in my element.

2008-06-16T19:28:00.003-05:00

There came a time when I refused to speak my own self-doubt, as to eliminate it all together. I think sometimes we try to make thing go away by ignoring them, like the boogieman.

Honestly my life has been thoroughly ranted, blogging has lost it's emotional appeal. I'd just as easily forget it all and toss it into an apathetic cess pool. But what am I saying; my apathy is ignorance, and one eye is starting to open to envision a fast approaching ground.

Just an unconscious heads up to myself.

1. Got a new job working at a pet clinic as an unlicensed vet assistant. It's a gratifying job.
2. Still with Caitlin
3. Haven't taken lithium in 5 days, hence I am blogging
4. I'd like to feel good about myself, I need some of that.
5. I feel stupid and self-defeated.
6. My problem is I think I know better.
7. I'm vague only because I'm lazy.
8. I'm a good for nothing piece of shit.
A child.
An incompetent child.

There, I feel so much better for wasting my time.

Gasoline

2008-06-16T19:14:00.002-05:00

I am a slave, but still I keep pushing
could that be, because I have no choice?
Am I addicted to moving
or could I just stop, along with living?

Greatness

2008-03-06T13:51:00.004-06:00

Greatness is defined by the individual, judged by others.

Enjoy Life

2008-03-01T23:34:00.000-06:00

Because

2008-02-27T18:37:00.000-06:00

Bemused

2008-02-08T17:09:00.000-06:00

The muse be, caught me up in her call, bemused
and I ignore all thoughts, save me
I took a vow of authenticity, see
To think and pride in eloquency
Decided I best, so long I lie
I entertain myself, the world--I

Being Objective

2008-02-06T12:27:00.001-06:00

Sometimes the things that annoy us the most are the qualities that we ashamedly see in ourselves. There is a certain exasperation with what we've become or the person we used to be as we either assert ourselves above a shameful past or fall in a cynical cycle of hopeful melancholy. This is my case at least, as I realize the times of my height and fall and my perceptions during those times determine my entire outlook and the inevitable repercussions of my emotional roller-coaster. At this time in my life I would probably judge through my perceptions that the world is flat; purposeless, void, and I could very well solicit sympathy to comfort my depressed state. But I've become more aware of my perceptions in these past years. I speculate that the world is not quite purposeless and void nor in the other extreme of chivalrous optimism, limitless--but somewhere in-between. But really, is anyone ever truly objective? Even my knowledge of my own perceptual cynicism at this point does not invalidate the reason, as abstract, scientific, elusive, or meaningful that my cynicism has any basis in is totally irrespective of any objective high-horse. Eventually, I suppose, I'll stop trying to force my perceptions on this world in a dogmatic matter, and even then I'm promising to remove my mark from this world, which is irrelevant and a waste of time to any other individual on a headstrong quest for fulfillment, and I'll quietly let the water take me down the river, and depending on my perceptions during the time I careen off the waterfall, I can choose to believe there are jagged rocks at the bottom, or a sparkling pool of holy water. Either way I'm going to die, see--because statistically and objectively there is a jagged rock that I'll hit amongst the median of holy water and jagged rocks, but it is a lot more comforting to assume the extreme and prepare ourselves for it during our plummet. That, my friend or foe, is the usefulness of objectivity.

Thin Thread

2008-02-04T10:52:00.001-06:00

I am tired of the dread, the consequences, the guilt, the pressure. What good is there in taking action when the result is inevitable? I have no rest or reason. I recumbently watch events play out in what I have little control over, only to close my eyes and return to dreams that torture me into the depths and visions of my struggling mind.

I have no rest. Every second I am tortured by this parasite that eats at my mind and scratches at the bouts of happiness and sanity that keep me alive enough to be taken over again, an inner battle fought at an emotion that preludes the terror in which I have no control over.

What good is there in being warned if one can do nothing about it? God, it is pissing me off. I am pissing me off. I am pissed off, but there is nothing I can do. Nothing, not in sleep, not in wake, not in life, and in death having to deal with the consequences of suicide is a far greater fear.

I can do nothing but lie here in catatonia, flinching at every irrational reality I call my own, and even then I still find myself living in hell. Tomorrow I'll wake up happy so I can have enough energy to be tortured to my end.

I am trapped.

Smitten

2008-02-02T21:28:00.000-06:00

The moments spent alongside Caitlin dissolve my every emotion under the pressure of a greater feeling, but moments spent with the terrors inside myself find me tossing in sleep next to her. It is a battle that I must go at alone, and I refuse to make anyone else a part of it, let alone someone that I must be strong for and with. But there is something magical about Caitlin, a certain goofiness and familiarity that enables me to let my guard down. I find myself laughing with her about everything. If I've learned anything from being with her it is that life is not to be taken too seriously, but still clutched between my eyes and her is a serious connection so strong I've failed to put it in words.

I have unexplainable emotions inside of me that have destroyed my previous relationships, the paranoia and delusions, my withdrawal in these times shadow my times of expansiveness. There is a quality in Caitlin that understands and waits for me, offers a hand without advice, comfort without a word--she dismisses me and allows me to settle myself within without taking it to heart as a flaw, listens intently for the moment to serve intuitively every desire and intention at heart as I would do the same for her. The simplicity and earthiness of her is profound and attractive. Her smile and laughter fills up the room with me as part not out to see anything else but the perfection I see also in her flaws and beauty.

My emotions with her are explainable and certain, they are comforting to me and her understanding and charm are magical to my mood, manageable, sometimes menial to the inextricable tie to her.

I am smitten.

My Greatest Inspiration

2008-01-31T13:31:00.001-06:00

The greatest testament of inspiration in my life is my own desire to break through my bounds and create the dream in which I now call reality.
It is who I am and all I need.

Windy Day

2008-01-29T20:05:00.000-06:00

I decided by the torrents of wind to take a walk along DeGrey Lake's tumultuous shores. I parked along side the peninsula near the dike and took out my notebook, pinned down the flapping pages and hid beneath the largest oak tree I could find. Countless leaves were loosened and streamed across the peninsula as free as the raging waters murky brown and capped with white and rolling navy blue.

"I have never experienced a wind like this on such a clear day. I am wrapped up in a whirlpool of leaves and hurling gum balls cannoned and rolling with the leaves. The capped wave tips frothing and rolling slap the mossy banks and move in unison, bringing life to a once deadened winter, animating the branches that sway with shadows playing across the stream of leaves directed by the breath of God."

Porch-Light

2008-01-28T19:41:00.000-06:00

Through the branches darkened night and blurring mist I seek a glowing porch-light, suspended in minds reach I carry my ritual steps through spongey grass to take the light in eyes hand.

Refused

2008-01-26T22:31:00.000-06:00

I am tossed into the infinite void unbounded, suspended in the deep like a clock hand amongst the shadows turning and lost like empty breaths into a starry night. I am inspired but refused. My substance is unable to form and fades into dissolution, a emptiness stung by the cold, detached and lost to nothingness.

Reason for Living

2008-01-24T22:26:00.000-06:00

I am a prisoner of my own mind as the melancholy phantom haunts my every step with the irrational terrors of living. I find myself regretting my eyes blinking open to a world that has become bleak and irresolute.

My trembling awakes to an assortment of pills that numb my mind and leave me still musing over thoughts of suicide. I am tempted to delve further into my own pain. I crave the intensity of my own temperament.

At times it seems that nothing is helping me. I don't want to help myself anymore, but I find myself detached and guiltily fascinated by it still.

I hold onto my desire to understand, as I've always sought out some sort of truth or revelation. My reason for living is to understand myself, and for that I am convicted to and go out into the world to translate it as my own, and from such endeavors I find purpose.

I have everything I've dreamt of having, but such things are of no use if I have lost my mind. The truth is that I have lost my mind and the pleasure that goes along with it. Knowing that something will pass does not make my current emotional turmoil any easier to cope with. I've given into myself a lost cause, but I have hope, my mission.

I live to understand.

Animus Divinatio

2008-01-19T17:58:00.000-06:00

I am confused.

Manic

2008-01-18T20:49:00.000-06:00

I stretch forth my arms, a leaf turning in the wind, boots turning tilted tip, water rippled the silent step of my vibration. I could bend the world and shape it as my own, lost in this creative splendor flash, chills like cold dust whisping up my spine, and moving me further still. Nothing can describe this high, a spirituality whispered in all of creation a resounding clambor, a lion roar echos across and speeds along the horizon sun finding and kisses the lips of humming lovers curled and falling softly onto my fingertips straightening to fold onto itself. The god inside is free. Flash.

Hospitalization

2008-01-18T14:55:00.000-06:00

I had myself admitted to Bridgeway Psychiatric Hospital last Thursday. I was only there for a week but it seems much longer. Months in fact. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I.

...

Over the course of this past week I have encountered a lot of things of which I could write, but I refuse for the moment to give into the impulse of dissecting and analyzing my current self, as to safeguard myself from further implications of grandeur, and for that I touch upon and embrace the normalcy of the common man. Maybe one day I will share some stories with you, but for now I must rest from the torrents of thoughts that brought me to my knees, bound to God in which forgiveness was sought in the lowest of solitudes, the Breath of God has touched my soul, the Gates of Hell burn images too grotesque to elucidate.

For now I choose the world to be silent, but
Shall I remain?

My Medicine

2008-01-10T02:05:00.000-06:00

Forgive me my weakness love, but your touch dissolves my fears into your arms and fills my lungs with the reality of your warmth, the softness of your skin against my own enlightens me into control. You are my escape from these confines, sleep to tired eyes. I could drift away with you forever.

2007-12-31T00:52:00.000-06:00

The wind tatters the branches and whistles hollow sounds scraping at the soul of feeling, to find myself so numb and weak to the cold to the heavens weighing on my shoulders, a fear irrational to the awe that speaks into my soul and exaggerated oblivion. I find myself at the knuckles of skinned reality and short breaths, unable to sleep and resigned to the control of rationality. I've accepted what is, taking a drag from a cigarette ashing itself through shaking fingers and sending short lived embers falling to a treadmill world moving beneath my feet. I watch my cold breath rise and dissolve, smoke and water droplets swirling and brushing against the background that crumbles into the ashtray, a paper basket pleading my case but cast aside into the light flickering a larger than life shadow on the wall, face tilted and hung to the thoughts I cannot escape. I watch the ice thaw from my windshield. For one moment I am here and I take a breath.

I cannot go back to the system that has encased me for so long.