I’ll admit, online dating holds a certain appeal for me. I’m a bit of a social recluse at the best of times and, while I might be a gay guy, I’m not someone who’s into the “gay scene,”* which means that my opportunities for in-person interaction with other queer guys is limited, to say the least. So, being able to connect with other gay guys across the span of the internet, whether it be for a chat or the possibility of something more, isn’t something that I’m going to turn my nose up at.

It’s worked out okay for me in the past, too. Putting aside the fact that I’m currently single and it therefore hasn’t worked out too well for me, I can’t say that internet dating has been a complete waste of time. And as much as I have my own issues with how gay guys present themselves and interact with each other online (which is a whole series of posts in its own right, probably), I still currently check OKCupid and will check into at least a couple of gay male apps on my iPhone every now and then.

In other words, it is a thing that I do.

Of course, online dating is a particular kind of experience for people who aren’t necessarily of the (white, thin, straight) “norm.” There are certain decisions that need to be made about ‘outing’ yourself, for example as being queer, a person of colour, in an open relationship, a parent, etc. In some cases, you can hide (or choose not to divulge) certain things about yourself, for whatever reason. In other cases, that doesn’t really work.

Being fat is one of those things that can raise questions about the need for disclosure. It can be as simple as deciding whether or not to use the Myspace Angle (it’s an Urban Dictionary link, so click at your own risk) in your photos; it can be a matter of clicking the “curvy” (or equivilent) option for body type options on sites that offer that option; or it can even be a matter of saying straight up in your profile that you’re fat.

There’s also the option of signing up to sites that are specifically catered to setting up fat people with each other and their admirers. I tend to think that this is easier for women (and particularly women who are looking for men), but I also imagine that concerns about being the object of someone else’s fetish cross the minds of everyone** when considering these sites, regardless of their gender or sexual identity.

SO! I’m curious. How do YOU negotiate the world of online dating as a fat person?

* Yet for some reason every six months or so I’ll have an urge to go visit Oxford Street, because the idea of the place seems so much more fun than the reality generally is. What is up with that?!

** Unless you’re into that, in which case, cool!

Guys.

I was reading this article that Doc Samantha tweeted earlier. And after reading Coddington’s argument that I’m fat because I’m incapable of taking responsibility for my own actions, it finally clicked for me. I looked at that photo of yet another headless fatty and wished that my skin was that blemish-free and I was less pale and, oh, wait… I had a moment of clarity. An epiphany, if you will!

Right here and right now, I want to declare to the world that, all potentially contributing factors aside:

I am fat and I take personal responsibility for that!

Wow. I mean, really…wow. That was a cathartic moment for me. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders – only not literally, of course, because I’m still fat. Haha!

*ahem*

The fact is, whether I take personal responsibility for my fatness or not has no material effect on my fatness. I suppose it could, if it then lead on to me making changes to my life that could potentially cause weight loss (although previous experience with exercise regimes and diets tends to suggest otherwise), but that’s really another matter entirely. The act of accepting personal responsibility in and of itself is really inconsequential; it doesn’t mean anything.

Coddington clearly doesn’t agree with this. According to her, if I were not to accept personal responsibility for my fatness, it would have to be because I’m “mentally incapable of choosing what’s right and wrong when it comes to putting food in [my] mouth.” Further, she goes on to sugest that, as a fat person, I’m obviously “too dumb to discern healthy food from bad food” and I must be blaming my fatness on the idea that I’ve been “brainwashed” into wanting bad food by “big institutions and the market.” Because if I were accepting personal responsibility for my fatness, obviously I wouldn’t be fat.

I’ll let that sink in for a moment. I mean, if you’re fat like me, you’re going to need the extra time, amirite!? *badum tish*

Guys.

Guys.

I hope you’re not getting the wrong impression about Coddington as you read this vitriolic tirade well-reasoned argument. She cares.

Every day, in every town and city, we all see fat people waddling along, heaving themselves into planes and cars, but are we allowed to comment on this, the way we were encouraged to shame smokers into quitting (who also cost taxpayers dearly in terms of the public health bill)?

Do you see what I mean? She only has your best interest at heart, because she doesn’t want to see you being a public health nuisance by…uhm…blowing your fatty breath into other people’s faces? Knocking other people over as you waddle about the place? Infecting others with your zombie-like compliance to eating unhealthy food when you mistake them for food and try to eat them?

Guys.

Coddington isn’t saying anything new here – and neither are the numerous commenters voicing support for her. I think that in and of itself is rather telling, because it gets down to the heart of what “taking responsibility” for your fatness really seems to mean: that is, they want you to accept that you’re bringing these negative comments on yourself by being fat.

You are fat, ergo, it’s your fault that Coddington and her ilk feel the need – nay, the responsibility – to all but chase you down the street screaming “FATTY FAT STUPID FATTY!!” at you as you go. Because, guys, to do anything else would simply be “patronising and silly,” which would basically be putting academics out of business. And do you want to cost people even more money!? God, what is wrong with you!?

Of course, it would be a bit problematic for you to just stop eating all that food that you’re endlessly shoving down your gob. I mean, obviously we wouldn’t want anyone to think that “the food industry [is] conspiring to make us obese,” because that would just be stupid! So what if we’re increasingly inundated with advertising that tries to tell us that the only way we can be happy is to be good little consumers – and that advertising for fast food in particular tends to push the unrealistic notion that you can all but live on a diet of [insert brand here] while prancing around on at the beach with your equally attractive and svelte friends. Never mind that fast food is generally a lot cheaper, more accessible and easier to deal with when you’re running against the clock. Because the ever-increasing proliferation of these things doesn’t mean that the food industry is trying to make us obese! Duh. It’s just trying to get as much money out of us as possible – and these are entirely different things!

Jeez, stop being so stupid, fatties.

As Coddington says, “individuals need to be held accountable and stop blaming food and its makers for their problem.” And, I’ve gotta tell you, all of this taking on of personal responsibility has sure made me work up an appetite! I think I’m going to go and grab myself some Burger King. Or maybe some McDonalds.

I could totally go some KFC…

*shrugs*

I’ll just go wherever’s closest, because I am feeling especially lazy today.

See you later!

Guys.

—

Ragen over at Dances With Fat made a post on her blog discussing the importance of Harvey Milk and his actions as an openly gay politician in shaping her approach to spreading the word about fat acceptance. The following quote stood out to me in particular:

You deserve to be treated well right now, whether or not you are trying to conform to the cultural stereotype of beauty.  You deserve respect, and you have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Right now. In the body in which you currently reside.

The reason that this post – and this quote in particular – really stands out to me, is two-fold. Firstly, while it might seem obvious to say this, I think that our (cultural) understanding of bodies plays an extremely important role in the denigration of fat; and secondly, I think that fatness and queerness actually have a lot more in common than we might first think.

There isn’t one particular way that we think about bodies. Gender, race, age, disability and class are just a few of the many factors that shape our expectations and assumptions about how bodies will look and/or function. However, a lot of the ideas that we have about bodies revolve around notions of bodily integrity and control (particularly around whether we have these things or not). The bodies of youthful, white, middle- to upper-class, heterosexual men are often held up, whether intentionally or not, as examples of the universal, unmarked ideal of humanity – that is, they’re the standard against which all other bodies are (seemingly inevitably) compared.

Against the standard of this type of body, female bodies are considered more permeable (they bleed, they are penetrated, they give birth) and more beholden to the whims of their biology (hormones, for example); the bodies of other racial groups are less civilised/more animalistic (black men are deemed more dangerous and aggressive), inferior (Asian men are assumed to have smaller penises), or exotic (black women are more sexualised, Asian women are smaller and more docile); aged bodies are assumed to be less capable of both fulfilling their roles and providing happiness; we focus on disability rather than ability; the poor are less healthy and able to look after themselves, so on and so forth. All of these are examples of the stereotypes that immediately position anyone who is not youthful, white, middle- to upper-class, heterosexual and male as an Other.

Enter the fat. As the stereotypes go, they are unable to control themselves and eat to excess; they destroy the integrity of their bodies by stretching them outward, creating unsightly lumps, bumps and ripples of flesh. They take up space and demand attention of their own.

Enter the queer. Again, going by the stereotypes, they’re unable to control themselves and go against the natural order of things; they destroy the integrity of their bodies by opening them up to new uses, making the should-be-impermeable into the actually-quite-permeable – and, in the case of the same-sex attracted male in particular, penetrable. They claim the space of their bodies as their own, put their bodies to their own uses and demand that the normative nature of heterosexuality be brought into question.

If there’s a sense of the grotesque coming through in these descriptions, it’s not because I feel that way. Rather, it’s because I think that both fat and queer bodies are seen as dangerous and frightening by those who seek to maintain the youthful, white, middle- to upper-class, heterosexual and male body (which I’ll henceforth refer to as heteronormative bodies) as the ideal.

Fat and queer bodies both challenge the spatial dominance and impermeability of heteronormative bodies, albeit in different ways.

Fat bodies can do this in a literal way, by taking up more space and offering a challenge to the control of space that those with heteronormative bodies are used to. A fat woman’s body in particular challenges the usual order of things, whereby men are more likely to spread themselves out and women are more likely to keep their limbs in tight to their bodies, taking up as little space as possible.

Queer bodies can offer several different types of challenges. For example, gay men point to the possibility of penetration of the male body and call into question the homosocial-verging-on-homosexual nature of many heterosexual bonding rituals; lesbians offer a rejection of the cultural importance given to male genitals; bisexual men and women have a particular kind of control over their choice in sexual partners that can trump the choices of heternormative males; and trans* individuals can stand as a challenge to the sex/gender dualism, whilst also leading some to question their sexuality (in situations where the nature of trans* identities isn’t properly understood or recognised).*

In all of these instances, the dominant position of heteronormative bodies is challenged and called into question. The bodies discussed in this post, in their unboundedness – their inability to be neatly contained or controlled within the bounds of a simple cultural narrative – are dangerous to the norm. This is why we – whether we’re fat, queer, or both – are put down by others.

It’s also why we should make an effort to take control of our own sense of self worth and happiness.

By being out and proud about who we are, by living our lives to the fullest, we offer alternative narratives in which the dominant position of the youthful, white, middle- to upper-class, heterosexual male is brought into question. We create a space within which change can happen. And we allow ourselves to acknowledge the fact that we all have the right to be treated well, by ourselves and by those around us.

There’s a lot more that could be said on this topic, but I think I’ll just finish things off with another quote from Ragen:

We gotta give them hope.  We gotta give each other hope. There’s a light at the end of this crazy cultural stigma and shame tunnel it’s NOT a train!

Whether you’re talking about being fat or queer, I think these are words to live by.

* I want to acknowledge that these points aren’t fleshed out to the degree that they should be (for the sake of time and space) and that they don’t cover all the examples of queerness that exist, but I hope that my point is still being made.

Firstly ‘fat’ is not a generic quality. We can have a fat arse, or fat thighs, or fat arms, or a fat tummy. We can be short and fat or tall and fat. And all of the types of fat have varying levels of social acceptability. People can look social unacceptably fat at lower weights, but can also pass the socially acceptable/sexually attract bar at a different places. Different body parts have different social values. Fat boobs = SEX. Fat tummy = GROSS.

Secondly, fat is not the only the kind of OK. And ‘fat’ and ‘normal’ are not the only kinds of OK. Beauty takes on different shapes and sizes. To me I want to see diversity in body types, and for that to all be OK.  Female athletes often develop less ‘feminine’ body types and it should be OK to have bodies that look different. My mantra with the kids is ‘if everyone looked the same, we’d get tired of looking at each other’. We talk and seek out shapes in bodies. And our different racial features in our family are recognized and discussed, as are our bodies. We all have beauty to look at.

And thirdly, acceptance? Blah. Acceptance is putting up with. Recognizing. Tolerating. I like the idea of celebrating. Discussing. Embracing. I don’t find an emotional connection with acceptance.

So, when I asked I say that I favor body diversity. I talk about a media that would show old and young, representative races, different genders and different body types.

Most importantly, I’d love to get questions or suggestions of topics to talk about. Rather than post them here though, please post them over in the youtube comments. It will be easier for me to keep track of everything in one place. I’m also happy to discuss things you think I get wrong or don’t articulate we well as you think. I won’t always get things right, and my views don’t invalidate the views of others who come from a different place than me, so I won’t be offended if you disagree.

I was talking with a dear friend recently, and we discussed the concept of fat love. It’s been kicking around the blogsphere recently with the Ashley Madison/Juicy Jacquelin add, and the idea that fat people don’t really warrant loving. Or intimacy. And where there is love with fat people, it tends to be two fat people in love. Which is cool. Love is cool. But equally, it would be weird for the only images we see of racial love to be white with white, asian with asian, black with black love. Anyway, we came up with the term “bi-fattual” to describe relationships where one person is skinnier than the other, or fatter, or however you want to draw the reference line. And that’s me and my hubby. He is at least 10 kgs lighter than me. It’s Ok. Because relationships that last years (and decades!) are not about looks. Because how many 80 years old look at a partner of 60 years and see the person they married. We change. The flesh suit is malleable. Relationships are about personality and connection. And we can get there regardless of size.

This the card I got my husband (by www.ableandgame.com). Adorbs, no?

Love me the way I am by able and game

My choice was a polka dot swimmers from Kmart. They look very much like this this pair from asos but go up to a size 18 and cost $19.

If you are a bit shyer about your thighs and just want a splash around this is nice and goes up to a size 30 – available from figleaves.com.

For some Aussie brand Sue Rice are cute and go up to size 24. Yet, the corset fit kind of worries me. RELAX in your swimmers. BREATHE.

This is my current lemming from Kiyonna, a convertible swimsuit. I want this so bad for summer. Its available in a few colours, up to size 32 and $140 ish. Num num num.

So, yes. You have your swim suit body. It’s your body. Dunk it. Cool down. Enjoy yourself and be in your body rather than outside judging.

Oh and the final option, in the privacy of your own home or appropriate zoned swimming area is chunky dunking (thats skinny dipping for fats )

Being in hospital is always a strange experience. I was about 40 years younger than most other folks on the ward. We were all struggling with wanting to be home and wanting to get some independence back.

It reminded me more than anything that I have a (generally!) functional body. I don’t hate it. I want to be healthy. I want my kids to see me being present in my body and maintain their presence if their body. And when I forget, I can think about when I’m older how I will look back to this time as a time of energy and activity. And then I can look at my boys and remember that they naturally stay in the moment, eat when they are hungry and enjoy climbing and running and stretching. And use those thoughts to bring me into myself, today.

Earlier this year I was diagnosed with diabeties. The Type II kind. The one that the wider community assumes that all obese people will end up getting. Well, I got it and I have had a hard time trying to deal with that over the last 9 months or so. At the same time I was diagnosed with a condition where my testosterone levels are very low. I have no energy or drive to do things, I struggle to concentrate for long periods of time and I quite often just feel like shit.

I’ve recently started to notice that I feel quite disconnected from my body these days. It’s something that is there and I can feel that it is physically there, but I feel almost separated from it. I don’t feel like I have any control over it. It’s just there and a lot of the time it just gets in the way or doesn’t to the things I want it to do.

I’ve seen a specialist about my condition and their response was that the only viable solution was for me to lose weight. Apparently my condition is brought on by being obese and if I wasn’t so obese then I wouldn’t have the condition. Wow, so simple. They also strongly recommended that I have a Lap Band installed so that I could get the weight off and start to feel better, and that with my failed history of dieting and weight loss attempts that this was my only viable solution. I was gobbsmacked.

I’ve read a fair bit about Lap Bands over the few years that I’ve been apart of the Fat Aceptance movement and the last thing I wanted was one of those. I was angry that this is all I was being offered as a form of treatment. If I didn’t go down this path I would have to deal with my illness myself and that just didn’t seem right.

A couple of months have passed since then and I’m starting to feel desparate. My body feels like it is failing more and more. I have less and less energy to get up and do things. I’m almost completely disinterested in life and there are days where I would just like to switch off and come back in a couple of days or weeks when I feel a little bit better.

Nagging on my mind all this time were the words of this specialist. I must lose weight. i must get a Lap Band. But yet I know that studies show that weight loss diets and ineffective, and that there are many complications with Lap Band surgery that makes it almost not worth the risk. And yet it digs at me.

It digs at me to the point that I have now regressed so far in my thoughts of my body. I feel like it’s my fault that I’m sick and that if I just stopped eating so much and exercised more I would lose some weight and feel better. Wow. That’s so far from the FA mantra that I’ve adopted over the last few years that I feel ashamed to even write it. And yet it is how I feel right now thanks to the good work of that specialist and my brain running over all of this.

I can understand how deseparation could lead someone to get a Lap Band. This morning I almost convinced myself that it was the only way that I was ever going to feel better. I’ve managed to get myself out of that mindset at the moment but I’m sure it will be back. And I’ll have to fight it off again.

If I had some idea of what I could do to fix myself in a way that was nourishing for my body, then I would happily take it. I probably need some sort of eating therapy. I’m convinced that I have disordered eating and no amount of dieting or surgery will fix that. But that kind of thing just isn’t there in mainstream medicine.

So for now I struggle with this mental gap between where my brain is and where my body is. I feel like I’m betraying the Fat Acceptance movement by even writing this post and talking about my struggle. I think it’s important that we all recognise that it is hard to deal with this sort of stuff even if you have been fighting for fat acceptance for years.

Somehow I have to find a solution to my health problem. I don’t know what that is going to be yet. It may be that I get so desparate that I get a Lap Band. I don’t know right now. All I know right now is that I wish there were answers and I wish there were more answers than just “lose weight”.

‘Cause it’s not like I was successful al that over the last 31 years. How the heck would I be able to start now?

For me the relationship between health and weight is not linear or causal. My weight (or at least size) tends to fluctuate with my health but I have decided that I will focus on the directly controllable parts of asthma management;
- regular exercise
- avoiding the allergens I can (ie cigarette smoke)
- flu vaccinations
- healthy diet (in the sense of avoiding my allergens)
- appropriate asthma medications

Within my plan I need to accept some things are not directly controllable. I cannot control when pollens bloom, when I catch various respiratory viruses, or when bushfires occur,.

There are plenty of resources that suggest there is a relationship between obesity and asthma. And yet, for me I’m divorcing the issues. My health is not my thighs. My health is not pants size. My health is being able to breathe and laugh and live my life.