After attending her fan meetings in Haneda and Osaka, I realised that there are so many things that I adore about her. Her acting skills are one thing, but I also love her sincere personality and her love towards her fans. She has been very thoughtful about her fans’ requests and demands. As she has become an independent artist and led all her initiatives, she has been trying her best to meet her fans’ requests. However, I think at some point, she also needs to say no when something gets out of control.

As I am getting to like her more, I decided to go to Taiwan for her fan meeting. She also held other fan meetings in China but due to visa issues, I hesitated to go. I was very busy with my dissertation and had no time to plan or prepare for a visa. Now, that I have finished writing my dissertation, I have time to go overseas. In addition, the visa application for Taiwan was very easy for Indonesians who have a Japanese residence card. It took only five minutes to apply online and get it approved.

I failed to get the initial VVIP tickets from the Japanese sites. I think there were only 10 tickets available and everyone was damn fast. I decided to purchase the VIP ticket from the Taiwanese site. I got myself a ticket for the evening session. My initial plan was to attend only one session and then travel for the rest. However, they suddenly opened another slot of VVIP tickets that allowed you to take a 2-shot pic with Yurika but the seating would be at the VIP seat. I gave a shot for the afternoon session and successfully secured the additional VVIP ticket. 

As usual, I attended the fan meeting alone. It was so funny because I am an Indonesian, attending a Japanese actress (who speaks Chinese because she is half Taiwanese), in Taiwan. As expected the main language they used during the fan meeting was in Chinese. I barely know any Chinese. Oh well, I guess living in Singapore helped me to understand a bit of super simple and easy Chinese words. Although I do not understand Chinese, sometimes I can understand the context. Thankfully, the MC was a Taiwanese who spoke very fluent Japanese. She sometimes helped translate and interpret the conversation. However, during the first sessions, she mostly forgot to translate, which made many Japanese fans lost in translation. Despite the language barrier, it was a fun fan meeting to attend. Yurika also looked so happy and enjoyed the whole fan meeting. In the afternoon session, there was a game corner where she had to act with a single word, and the fans had to guess which one it was. It was so fun to guess based on her actions and reactions. As expected during the live performance, she performed her latest song, “L.o.v.e.” for the first time. The Taiwanese fans practised the cheering guide and Yurika looked so happy listening to the fans cheering. During the afternoon session, Yurika forgot to tell the fans that we were allowed to record during “L.o.v.e.” performance. It was so her lol. In the Japanese fan meetings, she frequently almost forgot to tell the fans about the recording part. The MC came out to remind her about the recording part, she also handed Yurika a bag full of sweets for Yurika to distribute to the fans. Finally, we got an encore for “L.o.v.e.” and were allowed to record. Yurika also went down from the stage to distribute the sweets to the fans. After the session finished, the MC announced the instructions for the group shot (VIP) and 2shot (VVIP). Technically, the VIP went first then the VVIP. It was so fun to watch the Taiwanese fans arrange their own group and prepare for their desired pose. Yurika did as requested and the fans also looked so happy. Before my turn for 2 shot, I noticed that some fans handed their letters to Yurika directly. This time, for the very first time, I wrote a letter to Yurika. I decided to give it directly to her. The moment before my 2shot, I said that sorry that I am actually not a Japanese or a Chinese but I properly wrote the letter in Japanese. Yurika looked so thankful and thanked me for the letter. She asked me what kind of pose she wanted me to do, she was already prepared for a heart pose but then I said, “oh, as I am wearing a Pikachu cap, can we do a “Gotta catch them all” pose.” She said of course and actually laughed a bit while making the pose. After finishing the 2shot she said, “cute”. Hahaha I bet she thought my request for a Pokemon-related pose was cute. Then, she handed me a signed poster. This time the poster was smaller than the Japanese fan meetings but I was grateful for that because it was not a hassle to bring it back to Japan. 

After the afternoon session finished, I encountered some Japanese fans that I greeted in Osaka. I started talking to them and it was the first time for me to properly spend time with other YULUNA in between sessions. I finally made friends and enjoyed talking to them so much. The most enjoyable part of “otakatsu” is being with other fans who share the same hobby and will never get bored talking about our favourites. Before the second session started, our group encountered Yurika’s grandmother and her other relatives. One of us seemed to be in contact earlier with one of the relatives so we greeted them. We were afraid that we could not communicate with them but it turned out the grandmother speaks very fluent Japanese. The family told us that they brought some homemade food for Yurika. It was so good to see Yurika could reunite with her Taiwanese family. 

In the 2^nd session, I sat next to Taiwanese fans. They helped me to wear the lightstick bracelet. I was very lucky because the one who sat next to me could speak Japanese so when the MC forgot to translate the conversations, she would help me with easy translations. Come to think of it, it was a funny situation because an Indonesian and Taiwanese, were in Taiwan, but talked in Japanese. I could not thank her enough because I could finally understand the flow better. But this session was better than the first session, the MC would frequently translate the conversation. Yurika also sometimes spoke in Japanese. The evening session was also enjoyable. For the live performance, Yurika wore the Taiwan special fan meeting t-shirt. This time, she did not forget to remind us about the recording session haha. As I got a better seat for the evening session, I could take a better video of her. It was such a good memory. 

For the evening session, I got a group shot opportunity. The Taiwanese fan who sat next to me invited me to take a group shot together with their group of fans. The funny thing as we talked more, I found out that she was actually staff of AKB48 Team TP. As a fan of AKB48, it was so strange to encounter this kind of thing. What a coincidence. I was so happy because she and her friends were very kind to me. We took a group shot together with a funny pose. The group asked me to tell Yurika about our requests. Of course, Yurika went along with it and we had a great picture. A group shot was not bad at all and I had such a good memory with other fans. They actually invited me for a hotpot but I realise that I might bother them with all my food restrictions and also I had to prepare for tomorrow’s flight. I politely declined their invitation but we exchanged our contact, hoping that we could meet somewhere next time. 

After the fan meeting was over, I waited for the other Japanese fans whom I talked earlier. We talked a lot after the session finished. Obviously, we talked a lot about Yurika and the fan meeting itself. We all agreed that we were glad that we made the trip to Taiwan. We talked until around 10 PM even though the event itself finished before 9 PM. One of us had a flight at midnight. We walked together to the station and could not stop saying we were glad to come all the way to Taiwan. We were also sad because it might be our last meeting with Yurika this year. But we started to talk about the possibility of going to Shanghai. Well, let’s see whether we will actually go there. Haha.

However, this writing is not about the dissertation per se but the journey to finish it. I began my PhD journey in September 2020, when the pandemic just began. I had to move from Singapore to Jakarta and then to Japan. I also had to wait for Japan to open its border for new entry. The process of moving out of Singapore and moving into Japan during the pandemic was very stressful. The first two years of my PhD journey were very stressful because of the pandemic. Being far away from home, isolated, and barely had any new friends. In 2021, the pandemic conditions in Indonesia were getting worse. Almost every day, I read sorrowful social media posts about friends or colleagues who were losing their friends and families. My anxiety and stress reach their worst state as well. For the first time in my life, I decided to undergo counselling sessions. The counselling sessions helped me find the roots of my problems and figure out what I should do. 

In the last two years, I began to find my way again. I also made new friends with the Indonesian undergraduate students at my university. Although we are years apart, I feel more comfortable hanging out with them. I also enjoyed it when they sought my advice regarding their academic assignments or their life. It was the moment that I realised that I might enjoy teaching and talking with students. Then, I joined the Indonesian student organisations in Kyoto and also in the Kansai area. I was planning to end my membership at the organisation when I finished my tenure in Kyoto but then I was recommended to head the Kansai area. It was on my third year of PhD which was supposed to be my last year of PhD studies because my scholarship only lasted for three years. However, I knew that my dissertation was far from finished at that point and I still had at least two years in Japan. I decided to take the offer and became the president of the Indonesian Student Association in Kansai area. To be honest, I did not have many assignments, but I had to coordinate all events in Kansai area and become the bridge between the students and the Indonesian consulate general in Osaka. I made sure to come to every big event arranged by the Indonesian students in Kansai area and also attended various meetings with the consulate general. Thanks to this, I could talk and meet with various people, as well as find my worth again. 

Then, my scholarship officially finished in September 2023. I had to find a way to pay for my own tuition and fund my living expenses in Japan. I decided to find a part-time job and finally secured a job as a receptionist at a hostel called Wise Owl Hostels Kyoto. I’m very blessed to find this place because it is full of kind and supportive people. Despite my very poor Japanese, they were very kind in helping me to adjust to the job and the working environment. I also love talking with the guests and backpackers coming from all around the world. When I had just started my part-time job, I won a tender to work as a freelance consultant for ESIWA (an EU project) Project on P/CVE. I learnt a lot from this project about the P/CVE situations in Southeast Asia and Japan. Working a part-time job as a freelance consultant was hectic but strangely, I regained my motivation again. Despite the hecticness, I could finish my dissertation.

Something that I only shared with some close friends was that during my whole journey, I purchased a house together with my brother. The two of us bought our family a house. I am glad that I could contribute to the family with my savings from my past work. This year my father also required eye surgery, which cost a lot of money. I’m glad that I also have emergency savings to pay for the surgery. This is not about the money but this is about a sense of accomplishment of being able to contribute to the family. I might be struggling with my own self but the least I can do is to make my own family happy. This is also probably the reason why I could finish my dissertation because I want to tell my family that I have finished the writing process.

Obviously, it is not the end of the journey. I have to face the thesis defence and also find a new position for my post-PhD life. This will be a new challenge for me but no matter what, I believe the journey in the past four years will be useful for my upcoming journey. 

It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog post and this time, I would like to dedicate this post to appreciate Muto Orin who has just finished performing her role as Ame-chan in “Hanayome wa Ame no Senritsu (HanaAme2022)” stage play. It was my first time watching Orin’s acting as it was her first stage play outside of AKB. Her very first stage play was AKB’s stage play entitled “Iwakakeru! Sport Climbing Girls.” Unfortunately, I was in Indonesia when the stage play was held and could not watch it. Live streaming was also not available for that stage play. In fact, her first stage play was supposed to be “Zip&Candy” but it was cancelled last year due to the pandemic. 

I am glad that I was able to watch HanaAme2022 because I could learn that Orin’s acting skills were actually pretty good! A week before the stage play, I went to Tokyo for AKB’s concert to watch Tomu. Orin did not perform at that concert, only a few members got to perform. To be honest, I was not sure whether I would go to watch Orin’s stage play because going to Tokyo every week is very tiring. As a student, I only have limited allowance and I could not splurge it on the travel expensive, especially shinkansen. I must take night bus to save my money. However, taking a night bus is extremely tiring because it takes roughly eight hours from Kyoto to Tokyo and a total of 16 hours for return trip.

I made the final call to go to Orin’s stage play the day before the show that I watched. A few days before the show itself, I received the third vaccine jab. I was afraid that the side effects would last for several days, hence it would hinder me from going to watch the show. Thank God, I only had a mild headache the day after the jab and recovered two days after the jab. On that day, I booked a ticket for the show. Due to limited budget, I purchased the cheapest ticket on the option. I spent 5,330 Yen for the stage play ticket. I thought it would not be that bad because the venue was not that big. The capacity was around 240 seats. I secured a ticket two rows from the back. Then, I bought the bus tickets and booked a short stay at First Cabin capsule hotel. I decided to make a day trip, so I arrived in Tokyo early in the morning, took a rest at the capsule hotel, then went to the venue. The hotel allowed a short stay option for 8 hours and I only spent around 2,200 Yen for that. I am a frequent at that capsule hotel because I had made various day trips to Tokyo because of Muto Sisters’ events. 

In the afternoon, before the stage play, I had a short hanashikai or video call session with Tomu. I knew that Tomu went to Orin’s stage play the day before, so I tried to ask her impressions on her little sisters’ acting. Tomu told me that the stage play’s story was wonderful, and it seems that she enjoyed it very much. However, she could not say much about the story because she did not want to spoil it. She only said, “Orin looks like a child!”. I did not know what she meant but for me Orin always looks like a child. Lol. So, I told her, “Eh? But she always looks like a child!” She laughed very hard when she heard it. I could not wait to understand what she meant by it. 

The venue is not that far but the access is limited. It is located nearby Shimbamba Station. We need to take a local Keikyu train from Shinagawa Station. Local train is the only train that stop on the station. I arrived about an hour early, so I made a short stop at nearby coffee shop to work on something. 30 minutes before the show started, I walked to the venue and prepared myself for the event itself. I did not buy the special items that came with the ticket, so I just needed to show my ticket, checked my temperature, and used the alcohol sanitizer. The usual procedures to attend an event during the Covid-19 pandemic. 

I looked around the lobby and they displayed some goodies and huge picture panels with signatures on them. It seems that fans could order the picture panels with their idols’ sign and messages on it as a way to support the stage play. I spotted some Orin’s panels and familiar names on it. After looking around the lobby, I entered the main venue and waited inside. As expected, the venue was not that big and the distance from my seat to the stage was not that far. I could still clearly see the stage. As the time ticked by, the venue started to fill up with audiences. The committee announced some important rules for the audiences and the lights started to dim out. 

Orin played the role of the young Katayama Ame. I had not watched it before, so I didn’t understand why there were the adult Ame, who was played by Kojima Aiko from STU48, and the young Ame, who was played by Orin. The stage play started with a scene of the adult Ame and her husband, Hitoshi. Hitoshi is a watch-maker while Ame is a pianist. Life seems to be good for the two of them until one day Hitoshi got a phone call from the hospital, telling him that the adult Ame suddenly fell and something wrong with her. Hitoshi was shocked to learn that the adult Ame changed into a totally different person. Ame returned to her young self. This time, Orin entered the scene and started to become the main lead of the story. 

Now I know why Tomu said that Orin looked like a child. It was because Orin played the role of the young Ame who turned into a child and forgot everything that happened during her adulthood, including her marriage with Hitoshi. I could not stop saying cute the moment Orin appeared for the first half of the stage play. She played her role very well and the role itself suits her very well. We know that sometimes Orin acts like a child. She did play the role of young Ame who returned to her childhood very well. For instance, she played along with a doll, kept nagging for something to her mom or Hitoshi, and could not sleep well without someone with her. The story was very interesting because there was a moment when Hitoshi told the adult Ame that he was not ready to have a kid. This time, however, he should take care of the young Ame who acts like a kid. 

The story was getting more intense as the young Ame “had some progresses” with her disease. She slowly grew up. However, her growth made everything being more complex. The young Ame had not fully realized that she was actually married to Hitoshi. She had a part-time job at a local coffee shop where she met Kazuki, a junior high school boy who was active in the soccer club. The two started getting closer and it seems that Ame developed a feeling with Kazuki. At the same time, Hitoshi had a female co-worker with whom he spent most of the times developing a new watch. Hitoshi noticed Ame’s feeling toward Kazuki and got angry because of it. He tried to stop Ame from meeting Kazuki again without explaining to Ame why he did that. Ame was angry with Hitoshi. She was also disappointed with Kazuki who always came home late. 

There was an assumption that Ame might be dissatisfied with her current life, thus she wanted to return to her childhood and went through everything once again. Hitoshi, however, did not give up and tried everything he could do to amend the strained relationship with Ame. He decided to hold their wedding ceremony once again. 

Then, Ame realized what actually happened. Unfortunately, Ame’s sickness did not progress well. There was no way she would return to the adult Ame again. She was stucked in the young Ame’s body and mind. The question is: will Hitoshi accept the current Ame? Will he love the Ame even though she has turned into a different person? At the end of the stage play, one of the performers asked the audiences. If you were Hitoshi, would you: (1) Love Ame the way she is? (2) Find your love with other person because Ame has changed? The question was very interesting, but I opted for the answer number one. After all, Hitoshi might start to develop some feelings with the young Ame as they spend their time together.

The story is very deep and interesting. I was impressed that Orin’s acting was considerably well considering it was her first stage play outside of AKB. It might not necessarily her first as she was supposed to perform on the Zip&Candy the musical. But then, for a beginner, I could say that I totally enjoyed her performance. Probably, it was also thanks to the character that fit her very well. The story was very complex but she could deliver the emotion of young Ame who had to go through series of events. There were also some moments when Orin did not have any dialogues but only watched the flashback moments between Hitoshi and the adult Ame. Despite no dialogues, she brought up the emotions through her facial expressions. 

I’m glad that I travelled all the way to Tokyo to watch this stage play. I must be honest that my body hurt so much after the trip. I meant.. I am no longer young, so a day trip from Kyoto to Tokyo was such a torture for me. I slept like a log the day I returned to Kyoto. Nonetheless, I’m glad that I could watch Orin’s debut as a main actress in a stage play. This kid never fails to amaze me. Unfortunately, I feel that not many people have noticed Orin’s talents and skills. I hope AKB’s fans will notice her talents and not to see her as a mere “Muto Tomu’s little sister.” She is more than that. She has the talents and the ambitions to polish herself. 

After all, I am glad to support Muto Orin since her pre-debut days and witnessing her progress. 

By the time of writing this blog post, I should admit that my mental health isn’t in a good condition. However, I think that writing a blogpost could become my remedy. It’s been 13 years since I started this blog and I know that there is always a place to go home; writing a blog post. 

I have always been thinking that I am alright. I am also not a kind of person who share all my troubles, not even to my close friends and families. It’s been five years since I started living overseas by my own. As an introvert person, it’s also been very hard for me to make new friends. At the end, I always return to my old friends in Indonesia.

I often say to myself that I am alright despite my loneliness. When I was in Singapore, I still have my colleagues and housemate whom I can talk to daily basis. I guess things get worse when the pandemic hits. Singapore was very close to home, but I could not go back to Indonesia due to strict border control. I stayed in Singapore for almost six months, spending most of my days in my room. When there was a trivial problem hit me, I broke into tears. I guess it was not only because of that problem, I just simply miss my home, friends, and family. Also, my normal life. When new normal was not a thing and when we could share laughter and happiness without nothing to worry about. 

Then, I returned to Indonesia for about 2,5 months. Spent quality time with my family before departing to Japan for my PhD studies.

I already heard a lot of stories about mental health of PhD students, but I brushed off those thoughts, ensuring myself that I would be fine. Unfortunately, I am not. It is very hard for me to make friends in the time of pandemic. I do have some friends to hang out with, but I should be honest that we don’t talk about something very personal. It is so much fun to spend time with them, but we also don’t meet on daily basis. There are days when I don’t talk to anyone, spending my time alone at home and university. It becomes my routine. 

At the same time, the pandemic is getting worse in my country. In the past month, I heard a lot of depressing news. Almost every single day there will be someone on my social media who post about the passing of their close friends or relatives. It has been very difficult for me to sort out my mind and remember what I did during the past month. I can spend the rest of the days do nothing and think everything is alright, but I was not. 

When a problem hit me again, I broke into tears like crazy. I wasn’t only depressed about the problem, I guess everything accumulated. I miss friends whom I can talk to when I am at the university every day. People who will greet me when I reach university. Not those who I only meet online. I am also upset with myself who could not accomplish anything this year and still far away from my target of my PhD journey. This time, I don’t have anyone around me to talk with.

Thank God, I still have my close friends in Indonesia who are only a phone call away. The moment I asked them to clear their time to listen to all my problems, they agreed immediately. I feel blessed with their presence, and I feel better after talking to them. I realize that probably at some point I should admit that I am not alright and show my weak side to my close friends. 

あけましておめでとうございます！

2020 was definitely not a great year for us. Living in isolation was tough. We are not sure when we are going to return to a normal life. The world normal is so distant and we might need to create a new definition of “normal life” in our dictionary. 

It was extremely hard for me to survive 2020. People might think that my life went well given that I received a scholarship from the Japanese government for my PhD and published a book chapter and a journal article. However, those achievements were mostly done in 2019. I prepared everything in 2019 and finalized them in early 2020 when the world was still “kinda” normal. Since then, I have been at the lowest point of my productivity level. I mostly spent my time watching Youtube and Netflix. I am not sure why, but boredom might hit me hard. Less time for writing academic articles, I also have not really started writing my dissertation. I changed my dissertation’s topic, but it was not really an issue for me because I have been working on that topic for the past 4 years. My only problem is that how to return to my productive state. 

You might also think that I am very happy that I could move to my favourite country, Japan. Unfortunately, everything was not easy for me. There are so many paperworks to be done. Limited Japanese skill is certainly a huge obstacle. I always thought that my Japanese skill could at least help me to survive to settle down in Japan. I guess I was wrong. I kept asking my friends for help. I realized that my Japanese skill is far from perfect and I need to study harder to understand documents and engage in formal conversations. 

I should admit that I could not stop comparing Singapore and Japan. Living in Singapore was convenient and modern. Meanwhile in Japan, the paperworks and banking systems are still “traditional”. I have to adjust with the system. I found it ridiculous not to receive a debit card upon creating a bank account. Lol. It is also not easy to create another bank account. Not all banks will approve our applications unless we have stayed in Japan for 6 months. Due to this regulation, I have to stick to one particular bank for a half year. Applying for credit card is also not easy, especially if we are students and have just arrived in Japan for several months. Luckily, there are a couple of options for students and I could get a credit card to switch to a cashless life. In Singapore, I barely used cash for my daily life. Nowadays, hawker centers also receive cashless payment which made it more convenient. Japan is currently moving towards cashless society but there are still a lot of shops that does not take card or QR code payments. When I first arrived and had no cards or QR code payment applications, I had to deal with dozens of coins. 

It is also very hard for me to find new friends. Not to mention, the whole pandemic situation makes it hard for me to interact with people. I only have to attend a seminar in a week and do not have any other classes. For those who know me well, you might know that I am an introvert and could not initiate a conversation with strangers. I was lost and did not know what to do. At the end, I decided to attend online events arranged by student organizations. Most of them are undergraduate students and I am not sure whether they want to be friends with this old fella in real life. Lol. But I had so much fun and I am glad that I could finally practice my Japanese speaking skills. Although I live in Japan, I barely use Japanese because I do not interact with Japanese people that much. 

I do not have specific resolutions for 2021, I simply hope that we will stay sane this year. 

I had been planning to pursue a doctoral degree since early 2019. I should admit that, at some point, I thought my career as an academics won’t progress unless I further my studies. Finding a supervisor and scholarship programme were the first challenge. Fortunately, I had a colleague who told me about a scholarship scheme from the Japanese Government (MEXT/Monbukagakusho) through University Recommendation scheme. The application process was less complicated than other scholarship programmes in other countries.

I have always been a big fan of Japan, but obviously being a weeb was not my major consideration to apply for a scholarship in Japan. I will only waste my time if I could not find a supervisor who are an expert in my research interest. I had been engaged in various research projects on terrorism studies and civil-military relations in Indonesia. I figured out that studying both issues is fascinating, and I would like to do more research on the military’s role in counterterrorism. To be honest, I mostly do research on deradicalisation programmes and am more familiar with experienced civil society organisations (CSOs) who work on the issue. Yet, I would like to challenge myself with something new. I hope that my experience on terrorism studies would be valuable to provide a more balanced insight on the debates of military’s role in counterterrorism.

Finding a Prospective Supervisors

My boss and colleagues told me about a circle of Indonesianist in Japan. I discovered two names that would fit my research interest. The first one does not do research on military, but he does research on Islam in Indonesia and I also found his journal article about civil society and terrorist networks in Indonesia. I believed I shouldn’t limit my options, thus I approached him about my interest in doing a dissertation on the role of CSOs in deradicalisation programme in Indonesia. Also, I noticed that not many Indonesian write articles about deradicalisation programmes so I should give it a shot. Unfortunately, his university only offers a university recommendation scholarship scheme for dissertation related to economics, such as economic cooperation. If I aim for that university I should try the embassy recommendation scheme in which I must take a written exam and interview at the Japanese Embassy in Indonesia. Working overseas created a huge barrier for me to go back and forth Indonesia to take the exams. I should request for annual leave and it costs me around 200 SGD for return trip flights. (P.S: I met him in Taiwan for a conference in December 2019. He told me that I can apply to any universities in Japan because all Indonesianists in Japan know each other very well. I did inform him when I got the scholarship at RU and he was pleased to hear that.)

The second one fits perfectly with my research interest. I frequently read his articles when I did my research on the Indonesian Armed Forces (TNI)’s role in counterterrorism. I first read his chapter when I wrote a paper for a course during my master studies. I contacted him about my interest in doing a research on the military’s role in counterterrorism. He replied to my e-mail, saying that he would like to assist me with my studies and attached a link to the RU’s scholarship options. Actually, at that time, I was also writing a journal article with his former students whom one of them is my colleague at the office. So, I started my introduction e-mail by mentioning their names. Lol. 

MEXT U to U Applications

I sent an e-mail to RU in October 2019 to enquire about the registration period for MEXT U to U (University Recommendation) scheme. In 2018, the registration period started around the end of October until early December. However, the university hadn’t updated anything at the end of October 2019. The university told me that MEXT was going to amend the guidelines and it would also trim down the number of scholarship recipients. Some schools might not offer MEXT U to U scholarship for its prospective students. Damn!! I had no choice but to wait for latest updates. I refreshed Ritsumeikan university’s page on MEXT scholarship guideline almost every single day. 

Voila! The university finally uploaded new information about MEXT U to U scholarship in mid-November 2019. However, the university did not upload the information all at once. The first application was open for Graduate School of Information Science and Engineering. I had to wait a bit longer until the university uploaded information on Graduate School of International Relations (GSIR). I got tired of refreshing the page every day, so I checked it every two weeks.

The information was finally available in early January 2020 (registration period: 8-29 January). I did miss it and I noticed that the application period would start in a few days. I’m glad that there was still a slot for GSIR, but they trimmed down the number of scholarship recipients for doctoral studies from 2 to 1. Welp, I should do my best to secure the one and only slot. I had only a short window of time to send out my documents to Kyoto before the deadline. Yes, Japanese universities still require us to send original or certified documents. 

I had already prepared some of the documents in advance by reading the past admissions guidelines. My biggest problem was that I have not told the dean about the registration period. RU’s MEXT U to U required its applicants to get a recommendation letter from the dean. It can’t be your academic supervisor, welp, unless your supervisor is a dean. In September 2019, I had already requested my boss to help me to contact the dean about my interest in pursuing doctoral degree at Ritsumeikan University. I personally hadn’t been in contact with the dean nor attended any of his courses. He is an International Relations lecturer, meanwhile I studied Strategic Studies. My boss kindly introduced me to him through an e-mail and the dean told us that he would be very happy to assist me with a recommendation letter.

Months had passed and I was afraid that he forgot about it or maybe did not have any time for it. Thank God! He responded to my e-mail in less than an hour and told me to contact his secretary to prepare the recommendation letter. The letter was ready in two days! I picked up the letter from him and personally thanked him for his support. I also shared with him briefly what I wanted to do during my doctoral studies. The meeting lasted in less than 10 minutes, haha. I should not waste his time. (intermezzo: on that day, I won a ticket to my idol (AKB48 Muto Tomu) birthday show in Tokyo. It was freaking hard to win the ticket and I have never been her birthday shows despite being her fans for 7 years. I cancelled my plan to fly to Japan. I realized that it would be very tiring to travel to Japan because I was planning to make a three-day trip. I would not dare to waste my time for that trip because I might not be able to prepare all the documents in time.)

Well…I also encountered another problem. I needed to obtain a medical record as a part of the application documents. I decided to do the medical check-up at Fullerton Health at NTU because it is located nearby my office. It took five working days for the clinic to issue my medical record (also, it costed me freaking 130 SGD!!!). At that time, I have already planned a business trip to Jakarta so I could not pick up the medical record right after it was ready for collection. I consulted it with my colleague who had already did exactly similar process. I did have time to send the documents after returning from Jakarta, but obviously it would be better to send them earlier. Just to make sure that the document arrived before the deadline. He told me to leave all the documents at the office and he would help me to collect the medical record and send the documents to Kyoto. I checked all documents before departing to Jakarta and arranged them in order according to the document checklist. Final check, I put them into the envelope. My colleague dropped the document at the nearest DHL on Thursday, 16 January 2020 (afternoon). He picked the fastest service. It costed around 110 SGD. Let me say this: applying for scholarship is not cheap. It seemed that DHL picked up the document on Friday, 17 January 2020 and the documents arrived in Kyoto on Monday, 20 January 2020. Yow, that was damn fast. No wonder it was so expensive.

The Tricky E-mail Interview

My prospective supervisor sent a formal e-mail in early February 2020, notifying that I was selected as one of the candidates for the scholarship. It was actually an e-mail interview and he sent me two questions related to my current and future research. In total, I received three e-mails: two questions in the first email and one question each for other e-mails. There was a tricky question about my future research. I am planning to conduct a comparative study on Indonesia and Philippines and my prospective supervisor was a little bit concerned about the “knowledge gap” and how I will carry out my research in Manila. I am fully aware that I have zero experiences in doing research in Manila, but I had already prepared myself for such questions. I have built a network while I was studying in RSIS where I met a number of students and scholars from the Philippines. More importantly, their positions are relevant to my research and their assistance would be valuable for my future research. I shared this to my prospective supervisor, indicating that I am ready to do my research. (intermezzo: I was in Bangkok, Thailand for a friend’s wedding when I had this e-mail interview. So basically, I replied those e-mails while chilling on airbnb’s bed and my friends were waiting for me because we were about to travel the city. Lol)

Waiting for Results

RU informed me the result in early March that I was selected for its university recommendation scholarship. They emphasized that although I received a university recommendation, it does not necessarily mean that I would secure the scholarship. The final decision is on MEXT and the result should be out in July. So yeah… waiting and waiting. The worst part of waiting: people kept asking me when I would get the result. 

Finally, the result was out in early July and I am officially granted a scholarship to pursue a doctoral degree at Ritsumeikan University. I was actually pessimistic about the result because Covid19 has gone worse and severely affected the economy. Not to mention, Japan has a very strict border control to prevent the spread of Covid19. But God is great! 

Oh, the university told me to send MEXT Pledge Form and other necessary documents for the school admissions. No rush, I picked a normal service, but it still costed me around 50 SGD. Lol. 

Less Complicated Document Requirements

I would like to point out other things on why I applied to Ritsumeikan University instead of other universities in Japan. I would say that the application process of RU was less complicated than some other universities. I checked another university in Tokyo, it requires the applicants to send official transcripts and degree of certificate from undergraduate school and graduate school, as well as two recommendation letters. I have very limited copies of my undergraduate school documents in Singapore and it would be impossible to fly back home at that time. That university also mentioned that the TOEFL/IELTS result should be sent by the test center. Meanwhile, RU was relatively manageable for someone who was working overseas like me: certified copies of graduate school’s transcripts and degree of certificate; one recommendation letter; a copy of TOEFL/IELTS score (please note that these are only some of the documents, you may check the full list on its website). 

Anyway, I took the IELTS examinations in Jakarta back in September 2019. I had never done a computer-based IELTS, so I opted for a more conservative written-based test. The overall result slightly increased from my previous IELTS score; 7 to 7.5. I regretted that I didn’t do well this time because I should have gotten a better result if I have studied harder prior to the exam day. Nonetheless, I passed the requirement stated on RU application form: CEFR B2 (5.5-6.5). I assume this requirement should be doable for those who are interested in applying for similar scholarship programme. When I applied to RSIS for my master studies, the requirement was higher: 7.0 for IELTS. 

Publishing Journal Articles

Last but not the least, I pushed myself to publish journal articles before applying for the scholarship. There is a special section within the application form for publications. I have published dozens of short op-ed or commentaries, but obviously, they won’t count as “publications” for the application form. Leading my own research projects while working at RSIS, I had a chance to write my own journal article. In 2018, I published a journal article on the deradicalisation programme for Indonesian deportees. It was not on a first-tier journal, but I checked the list of editors and they are all experts in terrorism studies so I decided to publish with them. The process was swift and I’m grateful that many people read that article. While I was applying for the scholarship, I had just recently finished writing a journal article on the role of TNI in counterterrorism, co-author with colleagues who graduated from RU. I put it as a “forthcoming publication” in the application form. The article was published later in July 2020. 

Thank you for reading my long journey in applying for a PhD scholarship. Another journey has just begun and I hope everything will go well. Feel free to contact me on twitter or the comment section below if you have any enquiries related to the scholarship applications. 

I have been deeply immersed in twitter and scrolling over the timeline, without knowing when I should stop. I have been into idoling so much that I keep looking for information about my idols and sometimes I forget about work. My productivity level has been significantly decreased over the past few years. Then, Covid19 outbreak. It is definitely getting worse. I could spend hours watching every single video on Youtube or finding a great series on Netflix. I did read academic books or journal articles, but I barely wrote anything. I’ve always aimed to write a new journal article, but I keep hitting a dead end. I did not accomplish my goals unless I am co-writing with someone else. Working with other people has helped me to fulfill the deadline as I don’t want to be that jerk who simply becomes a free rider.

I keep wondering what has gone wrong over the past few years. 2019 was indeed a roller-coaster ride for me. I hit my lowest point and frequently cried. Both my personal life and career did not go well. I tried to figure out how I should fix my life. Should I quit my hobby? Should I return to Indonesia? Somehow, I feel like I have lost my way and I could not find a remedy.

Living overseas alone is not easy. Then, most of my friends have started a new life with their own little family or made a huge progress in their career. My life has relatively been stagnant. I do have a decent job and flexible time of working. I also travel to various countries but I do feel that I have lost something in myself. I used to be very passionate during my university life. I could finish a commentary article only in two days, but now…. It will take me, at least, two weeks to finish a simple and short commentary. I also could not finish my second journal article, leaving it untouched in my folder.

I finally decided to find a new challenge for my career, to gear myself up. I applied for a doctoral degree scholarship. I ain’t adventurous enough to apply for Ivy League. Many people suggested that I should have aimed for Ivy League given that I graduated from a prestigious university in Southeast Asia, or to be more precise, Asia. I am also not confident about myself. My close friends know very well about my low self-esteem.

At the end, I applied to a scholarship programme in Japan. People might assume that I applied to Japan because I am simply a weeabo. Obviously, I would not trade my life experience only to pursue my idols. For me, PhD is not about university rank, but an erudite supervisor. I had been looking for information about this particular university, prospective supervisor, and scholarship programme since mid-2019. This particular university has everything that I need.

Why Japan? Maybe, I just don’t want to build up my stress level to adapt to a new environment. In 2015, I stayed in Japan for 2 months for an internship programme and I hope that experience will help me to graps some ideas on how to survive. Was it fun? Traveling to Japan is fun, but maybe staying for a long term is at the other extreme.

Here I am, getting the scholarship for the September 2020 Enrollment. I will share about the details of scholarship later when I officially join the university. Everything remains uncertain due to the pandemic, I hope that I can fly to Japan to start a new life and find my true self.

How do I feel about leaving Singapore? I will pen down my feelings on a different post. 4 years is definitely not a short time and it deserves a special post. Will I leave this country for good? I would say no. Why? Let me explain later.

17 July 2020

CRA

When I first checked AKB48’s line up, I had no plan to fly to Bangkok because it might not worth to fly all the way to Bangkok only to watch a free mini live event. It would be extremely crowded given that AKB48 is very popular in Bangkok. I doubted that I would be able to see   Tomu on stage as she is very smol. Lol. However, Japan Expo Thailand later announced that they were going to hold a handshake event. DAMN! I’m weak for handshake event. I love talking to Tomu, even though it is only for a couple of seconds. The handshake ticket was very expensive as well. Also, my friend had a wedding reception in Bangkok a week after Japan Expo which meant that I should go back and forth Singapore-Bangkok for two weeks in a row.

Oh well…. JUST TAKE MY MONEY! I finally purchased a return flight ticket and a couple of handshake tickets. Bangkok is only 2,5 hours from Singapore and the flight ticket is relatively cheap. My Japanese friends also contacted me that they would be flying from Osaka after a handshake event. They neither speak English nor Thai and it would be their first trip to Thailand. It gave me more reasons to fly to Bangkok: to accompany them.

A few weeks before Japan Expo Thailand, COVID19 hit its early stage of outbreak. The organizer announced that the event would be held as scheduled and participants should follow their regulations to prevent the spread of virus, including wearing a mask during the event. However, the condition seemed to be going worse a few days before the event was held. I had a doubt that AKB48 would still join the event. Not to mention, AKS announced that it had to cancel the handshake event in Osaka due to COVID19. The members were scheduled to fly from Osaka to Bangkok. It turned out they did not cancel their participation in Japan Expo. Tomu sent a mobile mail a day before Japan Expo Thailand, saying that “it seems I will still go to Thailand.”

That’s it. Her confirmation e-mail made me go to Bangkok despite the fear of COVID19.

I arrived in Bangkok a day before the event and barely had time to travel because I arrived at night. I took a short stroll around my hostel to grab a dinner. While I was having a dinner, a Thai fan sent a DM on twitter. This fan told me that the organizer and AKS changed the handshake events to 2shot events. Shocked, I was wondering what I should do with my tickets. Frankly speaking, I prefer handshake event to 2shot event because we barely have ample time to speak during a 2shot event. Also, I must think various poses so I would not waste my tickets. Lol. The organizer offered a refund option, but I did not do so. I thought I would just use my tickets.

I could totally understand why they changed the format of event. Imagine transmitting germs with our hands amid a virus outbreak, it would be the biggest nightmare ever. But actually, 2shot event is also not the best solution. Having so many people in an indoor setting could risk the spread of virus. Oh well.. I guess they cannot postpone or cancel the event because it is kind of a diplomatic event between Thailand and Japan.

The next morning I already dragged myself to the venue to accompany my Japanese friends. The three of them are my friends from Tomu’s seitansai committee, one of them is the head of committee. They rarely go overseas and were nervous to make this trip. I told them that I would go to the venue once they arrived in Bangkok. They arrived at about 4 AM and went straight to the venue. They contacted me right after they arrived, but as expected, I overslept and did not hear the LINE Notification. Lol. I rushed to go to the venue with a grabbike (motorbike taxi) as my hostel was close to the venue. I greeted my friends and they handed over Tomu’s seitansai goodies which I should have picked up in January. Yeah, I won Tomu’s seitansai in January, but I could not go due to work related reasons.

Anyway, a few days before the event, I found out that they spent less than 24 hours in Bangkok. LMAO. Although the handshake event in Osaka was cancelled, they still had to go to Osaka since they had purchased the flight ticket from Osaka to Bangkok. I tried to be nice with them and offered to guide them travelling around Bangkok. But as we talked about it at the venue, suddenly AKB48 members came to have a rehearsal. We were right at the back of the stage. You might be thinking that we waved like crazy to the members. In fact, we were hiding so Tomu could not see us. Hahahaha. We took a peek at the rehearsal and roughly had an idea what the setlist was.

After the rehearsal ended, the members left the venue with a minibus. The minibus was parked at the back of stage. Once again, we faced to other directions so Tomu could not see our faces. Haha. When the members left, we dropped our bags at a drop point inside a shopping mall. I asked my friends again whether they wanted to travel around Bangkok, but they told me they wanted to stay at the venue. We found an empty spot right in front of the stage at around 10 AM. Let me tell you something, AKB’s slot started at 4 PM. Yes, we waited for about 6 hours under the scorching sun. Of course, we took turns to go to the toilet or buy food and drinks.

Most of the times I accompanied my friends as an interpreter. For instance, ordering a cold brew at Starbucks or exchanging our 2shot tickets. Haha. It was a pleasure to help them because it became an opportunity to practice my rusty Japanese. While waiting for AKB’s turn, we got to see different idol groups performing on stage. It was also amusing to see other idol groups’ fans. They have their own way to enjoy the performances, such as making a mosh pit or jumping like crazy.

Having underground idol groups and AKB48 at the same event really tells that AKB48 is indeed on a different level. I could find empty spots during the underground idol groups’ performance, but as for AKB48, I could barely move around as it was very packed. Tomu spotted us right away. I guess I was lucky because I was together with my friends who are her frequent visitors at the handshake events. When AKB members gave signed goodies for lucky fans, we noticed that Tomu held the towel upside down. We told her from far away, she noticed us and fixed it. Lol.

AKB48 Live Event has always been fascinating for me. I love singing along to familiar songs and slightly copying the dance moves. Also, I was able to see overseas fans who looked at their idols with such a radiant smile and sparkling eyes. I could imagine their happiness to be able to meet their idols in their own country. Not all people can afford flying to Japan. Having your idols visiting and performing in your own country is such a breathtaking experience. I had met AKB48 in Japan a couple of times, but I clearly remember how excited I was when they visited Indonesia in 2015. Nothing can describe my excitement.

Finally, 2shot time!

No one really knew what would be the set up for 2shot. We already saw long lines in front of a huge white tent, not far away from the main stage. I’m glad to see a long queue for Tomu which means that she is popular in Thailand. Frankly speaking, I’ve observed it on twitter where I found a lot of Tomu’s fans from Thailand. It is quite hard to find Tomu’s international fans. Finding one or two is surely a great treasure for me.

My friend peeked to see the situation inside. The members walked in wearing a huge surgical mask and it almost covered all their faces because their faces are damn smol. Lol. It turned out that both members and fans were required to wear masks during the 2shot event. It might be once in a lifetime experience. Haha. I did not mind, as long as I could meet and talk with Tomu. The queue itself was a huge mess. I waited for almost 15-20 minutes for one ticket and the organizer only allowed us to accumulate our tickets in the last one hour. It gave me so much trouble as I had 10 tickets in my hands. I must leave the venue at 8:30 PM to catch my flight at 11 PM. I decided to offer my friends buying some of my 2shot tickets and asked the staff whether I could make a loop without going out of the tent. I explained the situation to him by showing my flight schedule. Fortunately, he was kind enough to let me do a loop for my last 4 tickets.

I used 8 tickets in total. Surprisingly, I had enough time to talk with Tomu, even though it was a 2shot event. In Japan, we barely have time to talk in a 2shot event. Tomu took time signing posters that she gave to her fans, thus it gave us more time to talk. When I first stepped into her lane, her eyes looked surprised as if she remembers who I am. To be honest, I always have a doubt that Tomu remembers me because I rarely come to meet her. Haha. I told her everything that I had prepared beforehand. For instance, I told her that I was surprised she sang “Koisuru Fortune Cookies” in Bahasa Indonesia on Kouhaku Uta Gassen. I asked her whether she remembers any Indonesian words. She said she could not remember anything because it was too difficult. Later I replied that she probably remembers “Terima Kasih” which she did. Haha.

I’m very bad at taking 2shot photos. Last November, I won two 2shots with Tomu but it ended up to be boring “casual peace” 2shots. I was too nervous to ask her making interesting poses.  The moment I knew that the organized changed it to 2shot event, I tried my best to think various interesting poses that I could post on twitter. I asked her to do different poses and thank God I captured all of them perfectly! Probably we could only see her eyes, but both of them are very beautiful and expressive!

After I finished with my tickets, I waited for my Japanese friends. They told me that they wanted to wait for a while until Tomu and other members leaving the venue. Sending off the members as a final greeting before leaving Thailand. However, it seemed that the event did not going to end soon, and I should go to the airport. You might wonder why I didn’t wait until the end. Asides from the flight itself, I thought it would be better for Thai fans to do it. They rarely meet Tomu and it was a great opportunity to get closer with Tomu. I told my Japanese friends that I might need to leave first and ask them whether they would be fine to go to airport without me. At the end, they decided to come along with me to the airport.

They did not stop saying thanks to me. Actually, I should be the one who thank them. It would not have been fun if they were not there. Going solo to an event is fine but having friends around me to enjoy the vibe was way much better.

AH! A few weeks later Tomu appeared on a radio show. I sent a message to the radio show through twitter hashtag. I had no idea that they would read my message! The radio announcer seemed to be puzzled where I listened to the radio at that time, Japan or Singapore. Within the message, I said that I’m an Indonesian but working in Singapore and Tomu has become my source of motivation to kill my loneliness. Tomu told them that she felt like she met me in Thailand the other day. DAMN! SHE ACTUALLY REMEMBERS ME! I am pretty sure that she does not know my name, but she might remember my face and nationality. Haha.

I am glad that I made a trip to Thailand. Looking at the current situation of COVID19, I doubt that I can go to the handshake events in Japan anytime soon. At least, my recent trip to Thailand had given me a dose of Tomu for the first half of the year. Haha.

To be honest, I often laugh at this question and rarely give a proper answer. I tend to avoid talking about AKB48 to people who are not really familiar with it. I do not want to waste their time listening to my long lecture about AKB48.

However, I think this time I should give them a proper answer.

I started being a fan of AKB48 since early 2012 when I watched their collaboration concert with JKT48 in Jakarta. At that time, I was still a freshman in university and an avid fan of K-POP group named “After School”. So yeah, my journey as a fan of AKB48 started way before I become a terrorism researcher. I was still a freshie who had no idea what I would become in the future.

My first interaction with AKB48 Group was, of course, with JKT48. Out of curiosity, I watched JKT48 mini live and bought a pack of their photoset which came with a ticket to participate in their handshake event. There was one girl who stole my attention, her name is Nozawa Rena. She joined JKT48 as a first-generation member, yet she could not speak Bahasa Indonesia fluently. The way she interacted with her fans was through her sweet-looking eyes. My handshake experience with Rena brought me to dig dipper into this “expensive” fandom.

Afterwards, I started watching AKB48 videos, including their documentaries. I would say that their documentaries were the determining factors that best explained my affection towards this group. The documentaries are: “Show Must Go On” and “Kin Sma Special”. The former portrayed the chaotic situation behind AKB48 Group concert in Seibu Dome, while the latter showed the struggle of pioneer members to build AKB48 reputation from zero. These two documentaries impressed me on the concept of AKB48. Many members collapsed during the Seibu Dome concert, yet they did not give up and tried their best to perform in front of the fans. Their commitment to produce a high-quality concert was beyond words. These idols always smile in front of their fans despite the pain and hardship. Also, their tireless effort managed to expand their outreach from an “unpopular idol group with only 7 audiences” to a “national idol group who held a concert in Tokyo Dome”.

My first Oshimen in AKB48 was Maeda Atsuko. As a beginner, I think it is quite common to like the most popular member. It hit me so hard when she announced her graduation because I just got into the fandom. I cried for days as if she were dying. Lol. Well, eventually, I found a new oshimen, Matsui Jurina. In 2012, Jurina had a concurrent position in AKB48 Team K. I gradually felt in love with Team K and paid more attention to the other team members. Then, I found this girl, Muto Tomu.

Being a fan of Tomu is probably the turning point on how I become overly attached to AKB48. When I first knew her, Tomu was very timid, could not sing nor dancing. Her performance was average and nothing to boast about. Nonetheless, I found something interesting in this girl that I could not explain. While Jurina was not around in Team K, I kept watching Team K stages and performances because of Tomu. At some point, I reached a denial stage that I have totally oshihen-ed (change oshimen) from Jurina to Tomu. It was the General Election or Sousenkyo which made me realize I had fully shifted my support from Jurina to Tomu. I bought more voting tickets for Tomu. Haha. I felt that I wanted to support Tomu more than I did to Jurina.

Tomu teaches me to never give up. She has improved a lot from the first time I watched her. She is acknowledged as one of the top performers in the group. Her dance is sharp, and her facial expressions brings us to understand the meaning of the songs. She drags her fans into her world, to follow her journey, from nothing to something. It is as if we grow together with her.

In 2014, she challenged a special project on Nemousu TV (AKB48’s variety show) to pass a weather forecaster exam that has roughly below 5% passing rate. As a relatively new and young member, she had never appeared on that show, thus she was determined to challenge an extremely tough exam to steal the spotlight. Obviously, her journey did not go well. It took her five years and eight examinations to finally obtain the weather forecaster certificate. Her determination in studying has inspired me.

It turned out that she also decided to pursue a master degree upon completing her bachelor degree. As she has becoming more popular and getting busier, she took an unexpected path. Juggling between her career as a full-time idol while pursuing a master degree is definitely not an easy task. As someone who have completed my master degree, I would say that it requires an unwavering effort to reach the finish line. Otherwise, you should just give up the title.

I would say that I am growing overly attached to her because I can totally relate her. Whenever I am about to give up on studying, I will always remember that Tomu does not give up despite her hectic schedule. My struggle is nothing compared to her.

Additionally, Tomu’s Japanese fans are also very kind to me. I first met them in 2015 when I came to my first handshake event. Their genuine warm welcome always makes me feel at ease. Lately, I travel twice a year to Japan, not only because of Tomu (and Orin (Tomu’s little sister)), but also them. I am always excited to meet them and try to figure out a new snack variant to give them as a souvenir. Haha.

Anyway, in 2017, I started working as a research analyst in Singapore, mainly focusing on terrorism and civil-military relations studies. Doing research on these issues, especially terrorism is not easy. I have to read a lot of depressing news, propaganda materials, and complicated theories. Not to mention, I live alone in Singapore and only have a few friends. I mostly hang out with my colleagues which I am not complaining about. Still, something is missing.

AKB48 keeps me sane. Their smile and cheerful songs have brightened my days. AKB48 helps me to endure this pain and makes me laugh and smile.

I applied for handshake event on November 23rd, 2019 which was two days before Tomu’s birthday. I always choose a date which is close to Tomu’s birthday because Tomu’s seitansai committee usually holds a celebration at the end of Tomu’s handshake slots. This time Tomu’s handshake slots sold out faster than last year even though last year her birthday coincided with a handshake event. I’m glad that it means that Tomu is getting more popular and more people comes to visit her at the handshake event.

I decided to stay for 10 days in Japan, hoping that Tomu’s seitansai would be held around those dates. I booked my flight in August to secure cheaper flight tickets. Flying to Japan can be very expensive if I book the flight close to the departure date. Thus, I settled everything three months before my trip.

However, a month before my trip to Tokyo, I was hopeless that Tomu’s seitansai would be held during my stay in Tokyo. Komiyama Haruka had not had her seitansai due to her schedules for Jingi Naki Tatakai stage play in Hakata. It means that Tomu’s seitansai will be delayed. 11 days before Tomu’s birthday, it was announced that there would be Team K’s stage on November 25^th. I assumed that it might be her seitansai because Komi had just finished the stage play on 24^th and might not be able to perform on the 25^th. I checked my AKB48 ticket centre account and somehow changed my address with my friends’ address in Kyoto. Previously, I used my friends’ address in Tokyo. I tried my luck with enpou frame. Unfortunately, on the day of the enpou frame result, it was announced that I lost my application. I was extremely sad with the result, assuming that I might not be able to watch Tomu’s seitansai although the line-up had yet to be announced.

Afterwards, I did a quick research on stage48 forum. Someone said that once you change your address, your account might be flagged and would not be able to win any stages for a while. No one knows whether it is true or not, but if it is, I guess I made a huge mistake. Lol.

A few days before 25^th November, it was announced that the stage would be a regular one, not Tomu’s seitansai. It turned out that Komiharu performed on that day. I assumed that it would be awkward to hold Komiharu’s seitansai, while Tomu was having her birthday exactly on that day. Of course, I was a bit conflicted whether I should apply with my account or my friend’s account (I tagged along to his application). If it was Tomu’s seitansai, I would definitely apply with my account because I heard that ticket centre will prioritize an account whose oshimen is having seitansai. I registered nihonbashira fanclub and subscribed to eizo before I arrived in Japan in order to increase the odds of winning a ticket. At the end, I decided to tag along with my friend although he told me that his account already won 5 times in November. Lol. It seemed to be difficult to win for the 6^th times, but at the same time, I had no hope with my account.

Voila! On the day of the lottery announcement, he told me that we won theatre tickets! I was extremely happy because it would be my very first time watching Tomu and Orin in the theatre. In addition, it had been 4 years since I last watched theatre stage. I could not hide my excitement, but I tried to be low-key on social media and did not post anything until the day of theatre stage.

On November 23^rd, I went to the handshake event in Pacifico Yokohama. I personally prefer Pacifico to Makuhari because there are many things that we can do around Pacifico and Yokohama’s night view is gorgeous. I came early in the morning because I had 2 tickets with Nagatomo Ayami on slot 1. Unfortunately, I did not win 2shot with her, but interestingly she still remembers my name. Our conversation was mostly about her complimenting my Japanese skills. Lol. Nonetheless, it was nice to meet her in person and I would recommend the others to come to see her. I also received Ayamin’s seitansai uchiwa from her fans while queueing in her lane.

The rest of handshake events were, obviously, about Muto Tomu and Muto Orin. I am not a heavy buyer, but I try my best to buy enough tickets to have a legit conversation with them. Orin is always very kind to me. She looked very excited when I walked to her and asked me how long it had been since our last meeting. I told her that it had been six months and I had been traveling a lot for the past few months. I posted my travelling pictures on twitter with “Orin Mail” hashtag. She checked all photos and told me they were very stylish.

The most memorable moment with Orin was when I came into lane together with my Korean friend. We knew each other through twitter and found out that both of us love coffee. So, this time we exchanged coffee beans outside of Orin’s lane. Hahaha. Anyway, we went into Orin’s lane together and I did the handshake first. I told Orin that I made friends with him because of Orin. When I left Orin, I tried to eavesdrop on their conversation. I could hear that Orin told him, “Did you become friend with Aya-chan?” Hahahaha. That was the only thing I could hear from their conversation. Then, when we were outside of the lane, my friend told me that Orin talked about how we (me and him) translated her social media updates into English and Korean respectively. It was good to know that Orin actually paid attention to what we do for her.

Unfortunately, I did not win anything with Orin. However, it seemed that my Korean friend won a lot and gave one of Orin’s signs to me. He was very kind to ask Orin to sign the namashashin for me. Orin drew my face on the namashashin even though I was not in front of her. Haha.

Now, let’s talk about Tomu. I had more tickets with Tomu, but I will not go into details about our conversation. I clearly remember a couple of our conversations, especially about Request Hour. I told her that I really wanted to listen to “Hajimari No Yuki” Tomu’s solo version. I was very happy because that time she did most of the talking. She told me that she would do a meeting on showroom with fans to pick the song that we should vote for Request Hour 2020 because next year RH is limited to 50 songs (it turned out that the next day she did SHOWROOM and as expected Show Fight won over Hajimari No Yuki). Before my time up, I kind of nervous and ran out of topics. Tomu was very kind to initiate the conversation. She saw a handmade bracelet on my wrist that I bought from Saudi Arabia and told me that it was cute. Hahaha.

Actually, there was another thing that I recall from our conversation. I told Tomu that the Shu Uemura x Pokemon makeup which she posted on Instagram was very cute. I added that Orin might secretly took it from her. Haha. But, Tomu said that it would be fine because the colours do not look good on Orin. LOL.

Of course, this time the seitansai committee prepaed an advance birthday celebration for Tomu at the end of her slot. I already met them in the afternoon to drop my bags at the seitansai booth and gave them some snacks from Singapore. We also had a quick meeting to discuss our progress. At the end of meeting the head of seitansai committee asked whether anyone wanted to hold the birthday panel during the celebration. No one raised their hands, including me. LOL. I did not raise my hands because I thought maybe this time, I should let the others do it. However, they ended up allocating a front row board panel for me. It was very kind of them to let most of foreign fans (who are a part of seitansai committee) to hold the board panels. As usual, the head of seitansai committee was the last person who queued on Tomu’s lane (no one fight to be the last person in Tomu’s lane, we usually let the head of seitansai committee to be the last one). She told Tomu that we were going to have a birthday celebration for her. Then, Tomu went back to the waiting room to take her phone and asked staff to take pictures for us.

A day after the handshake event, the seitansai committee had a meeting to craft the seitansai goodies. The meeting started since 9 AM until around 8 PM. I joined at around 4 PM. I could not tell you the details of the goodies because the seitansai has yet to be held. It was my very first time joining this kind of meeting which made me appreciate the seitansai committee even more. Their dedication is beyond words, it is not only about money, but also time and tireless effort to assemble everything. The handmade goodies are very complicated and very detailed even on the smallest part of the goodies.

At the end of meeting, we had a late dinner to celebrate Tomu’s birthday. Two Korean friends (who belong to Seitansai Committee) joined us a little bit later. Some of my Japanese friends love Korean dramas and idols, so they were very excited to talk about it with our Korean friends. Hahaha. Suddenly, the restaurant staff brought a cake with Tomu’s printed-photo on it and a plate full of Tomu’s pictures. All of us were very excited to take pictures and it lasted quite long. Hahaha. The funniest part was when we distributed the cake. One of us asked, “Does anyone want to eat Tomu (re: referring to Tomu’s edible picture on the cake)?” LOL. It was also my first time having dinner with them and I had so much fun.

The next day I arrived in Akihabara at around 5 PM, waiting for my friend to finish his work. I came across Tomu’s fans from Taiwan and Hongkong. The day before I also found out that the two Korean fans won the theatre stage as well. So, that day there were a lot of Tomu’s fans from overseas. Haha. It seemed that most of us assumed that that stage would be Tomu’s seitansai and stayed a bit longer in Japan. Well, although it was not Tomu’s seitansai, I am glad that a lot of Tomu’s overseas fans could greet her on the day of her birthday.

My friend and I exchanged our tickets at around 5.30 PM. I wanted to send a letter for Tomu but I had not bought envelopes. My friend advised me to go to a nearby 100 Yen shop. We rushed to the shop, but we could only find a pack of dull envelope. I had no choice but to buy that envelopes because we did not have enough time to explore other shops or konbini. We returned to the theatre and dropped my letter.

Then, we put our stuff inside the locker. I initially wanted to bring less items into theatre, but it turned out I had so much thing in my hands. Lol. I brought a Tomu uchiwa (my Indonesian who travelled with me helped me to make this uchiwa because I am not good at this kind of thing. Haha) and Orin’s pikachu slogan (I got it from my Korean friend), while wearing Tomu’s seitansai t-shirt. I didn’t wear Tomu’s seitansai t-shirt during the handshake event, so I thought I should wear it this time. I meant…. Obviously, I won’t be wearing that t-shirt to hang out with my friends in Jakarta or Singapore. Lol.

We were not lucky during the bingo call. We didn’t get a seat and stood at the back. I told my friend that Tomu and Orin usually will be on the left side of the stage (from the audiences’ view). Both of us got the second row of standing section. It was not that bad! I was pretty happy with our position because I could see Tomu a lot, and also Orin. Haha. Having two oshimen in one team was indeed a big challenge for me. I had to set my priority. Of course, I mostly focused on Tomu, but when I could not see her because of the pillars I would shift my focus to Orin. Haha.

It was totally a different experience to watch Tomu’s performance with my own eyes. I could not take my eyes off her. I could see every single detail of her dance and facial expressions. Her performance on Dokugumo and Yume no Kane impressed me the most. It was sharp, sexy, and cool! I could tell that she is a veteran member and outstands the other. I might sound too biased, but it is a fact.

During the send-off, Tomu was quite at the back so I said hello to Orin first. It seemed that the Pikachu slogan stole the members attention. I put the Pikachu slogan on my shoulder because it was hard to hold the slogan while holding Tomu uchiwa. Ichikawa Manami said, “sugoi! Pikachu”. Lol. Then, there was Ayamin. She still remembered my name and said, “Ah! Aya-chan!”. Okay, it was quite awkward because I did not bring anything related to her. Haha.

My interaction with Orin was so funny. The first thing Orin saw was Tomu uchiwa and pointed at it. She seemed to be surprised. I was like, “Not that one! This one! This one!” while pointing to the Pikachu slogan. She reacted, “Wow! What’s that?! Sugoi!! I’m happy!! Thank you!!” I am glad she was happy with the slogan. I told my Korean friend how she reacted to the slogan.

I’m glad that I could finally see Tomu’s iconic send-off. She always leans herself towards the audiences. She saw my uchiwa and looked happy about it. I told her “Happy Birthday” in English and she replied “thank you” in English. My conversation with her was a bit fast because the staff rushed us. Nonetheless, I was extremely happy that I was able to say happy birthday to her on the day of her birthday. I will never forget that day.

I do not know when Tomu will graduate from the group, but I hope one day I can watch her seitansai.