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Ladies, please form an orderly line to the right.

SAMMICH, girl. Dayum! Your elbow shouldn't be the widest part of your arm

skahammer
February 12, 2012 at 2:15 am

Responding to IMF demands, the Romanian government’s belt-tightening measures sadly went too far.

Congratulations and imaginary swag to Skahammer! For our winner of indeterminate gender and undetermined circumference, we hypothetically present the entirely virtual swag of the actually real but in this case imago-swaginary New Yorker belt with solid silver fittings, from Vogt Silvesmiths. Talk about a money belt!

Benedict Cumberbatch

Don’t say I never did nuthin’ for ya…that is, if ya are an Anglophilic Sherlock Holmes fan who just can’t get enough of your literate and literary pin-up boy. Here he is, keepin’ it real in the Inner City.

Moriarty, by the way, is also real, or so we hear.

LLVERYCOOLJ

To start with: LLCoolJ. Just yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!

Whew!

Mini Minaj at the 54th Annual Grammy Awards

Also: Mini Minajes = adorbz. Sophia Grace and Rosie are the two little girls who rose to fame (and Ellen appearance) by being adorable and performing a Nicki Minaj song for their proud parents, who posted it on YouTube, where it went viral. Believe me, WAY more entertaining than “Roman,” and I ain’t even Catholic!

Anne Get Your Gonch

Anne Vyalitsyna is apparently a Victoria’s Secret model. Let me tell you, Victoria couldn’t have any secrets in that dress. She looks like she rushed out of the ladies’ room with half her skirt tucked into her tampon.

Fergie is straight laced

Fergie’s own husband tweeted, “I see London, I see France…” On the other hand, yay for bringing Granny Pants back. No doubt a contract from Playtex is en route.

Kelly Osbourne attributes her makeover to a bat-free diet

Surprise success of the night: the formerly-revolting Kelly Osbourne. How classic! The hair even coordinates with the tats!

And now: ADELE.

First of all, although I can’t find any still photos of it, I loved her second dress of the night, the one in the video. The Armani in which she started the evening was pretty enough, but frankly looked like a plain old vintage piece in that sparkly polyester everybody’s Nana used to wear to parties where she wanted to feel sexy at sixty. This is one of the downfalls of black; the details become invisible. The second, cocktail-length dress, was pretty, old-fashioned, with just the right amount of detailing highlighted by cream underlay, and the fact that the big silver metal zipper in the back (which was inexpertly sewn) was visible every time she turned around was, frankly, completely endearing.

Win! All the! GRAMMYS! ADELE!

Also, I MUST have this lipstick, if not the entire look. Internet, can you help me?

Of course you can. Presenting: Adele at the Grammys: the makeup tutorial!

Jean Dujardin has a point to make

Why Jean, that’s quite a good point you make. What’s more, it reminds me of something…

Welcome to Hump Day, y’all!

beyonce beyond

We all have those pictures from high school that we hoped had been buried forever. And we find them posted to Facebook when our “friends” get into the prosecco. I’m sorry, Beyonce, we can no more let you live this down than we can these two. Acid wash isn’t for jeans; it’s for our eyeballs after we get a load of this outfit. Also, is that a wig from the House of Lisa Kudrow on your head?

Vanessa Paradis up close and extremely personal

igirl99
January 28, 2012 at 9:58 pm
And now, Tales From the Crypt, sponsored by Chanel…

Congratulations and imaginary swag to igirl99, who I believe is a first-time winner. What else? A Sterling Silver Trowel!

And now, lest we forget, a small reminder of what used to be, back when she was admitting to being the same age as me.

Keira Knightley got back

Stars should never get themselves ready for a premiere; whatever Keira saved on self-tanner at the spa in advance of her outing the other night she will have to spend on PR to bury these horrible, mottled images. And to deny the rumour that she’s going to play the title role in Hidalgo II. On the plus side: scratches! Well, thanks to the pirate movies she IS an Action star; good to see she got some action!