I have shocking news for everyone:  gaming has taken over my life.  Actually, podcasting has taken over my life.  But gaming has taken over my free time.  This might not sound like a shock to many you — after all, haven’t I been crowing about board games for about five years now?  Well, I’m happy to report that I’m still wholly consumed with games — buying them, playing them, reading about them, and converting others to them.  It’s a problem.

In 2019, despite a rigorous touring schedule with Watch What Crappens, I did manage to play many games.  Many, many games — enough that I should be content by now. But to paraphrase Luther Vandross, it’s never too much, never too much, never too much.  In an ideal world, I’d get to play board games every day of the week (because I’m a lunatic), but we all know that will never happen. Turns out my friends have things called “lives” which means there are some tragic evenings where I’m left with little to do but stare at the games that are slowly cluttering up my apartment. Rather than mope though, I’ve decided to do something productive (or at least time-consuming): I’ve dusted off the ol’ blog to assemble my list of the Top Ten Games of 2019.  If I can’t game today, then I sure as hell will pontificate about it.

First and foremost, one cannot write a top ten list these days without some qualifications.  Chief among them is that I have not played every game that came out in 2019; so this is really just my survey of the titles I have managed to get to the table.  Second, gaming is highly, highly subjective.  I tend to enjoy really meaty, heavy games with mind-melting decisions.  Others may be less into that.  It’s all good.  Everyone has different preferences, and these are mine.

Lastly, there’s a huge amount of fuzziness when it comes to declaring top games of the year, mainly because the board game industry is so deeply quirky? disorganized? idiosyncratic?  A game may emerge in 2016 in Germany with a tiny print run, receive press and attention worldwide, but not actually arrive in the US on a wide scale until 2019 due to a variety of business issues (production partners, distribution, funding, crap like that).  It’s not technically a 2019 game, but it sort of seems like one.  Basically, this is my way of saying that while some of these titles did launch in 2019, a handful of them technically are from 2018 (or earlier).  But 2019 is when I played them; so everyone relax.

Shall I just get on with it?  NO.  I won’t get on with it.  I struggle with lists because I always want to cram everything into them, and when I can’t, I get sad.  So, to make me feel better, here are some honorable mentions (that may or may not ascend to Top Ten if I ever revisit this list). Okay, is everyone ready for me to put on my Serious Game Review hat? Because it’s happening riiiiight NOW:

Honorable Mention (in no order):

Menara:  Remember how I said I love games with meaty, “mind-melting” decisions? This isn’t one of them. Menara has players building hellacious towers that threaten to topple over with every passing breath. I’ve only played this Jenga-on-crack stacking game once, which is why I don’t feel totally confident that it deserves a spot in the top ten.  However, it’s super fun and stressful, and the best part:  when you’re all done, you’ve erected an eye-catching structure on your table (or floor).  Definitely a great option for families or groups of friends who don’t want a lot of rules overhead.  Menara isn’t always readily available, but I did manage to get my copy off Amazon Prime.  Be sure to keep an eye out for the times when it is in stock.

Black Angel:  The sci-fi spiritual sequel to the beloved game Troyes, Black Angel is a very fun but perhaps slightly overbaked monster of a game.  And for all its table presence and grandeur, it has a surprising lack of personality.  I’ve enjoyed every play I’ve had of it more and more, but it’s just not quite as fun (yet) as the other games in the top ten. If you’re interested, maybe try before you buy.

Pipeline:  My eyes glazed over the first time I sat before this bruising economic game.  All I saw were numbers and pipes and pipes and numbers.  What was this MESS?  Turns out that beneath the hood of this oil industry simulator is a fairly straightforward game that somehow merges simple economic principles (buy low, sell high) with tile laying.  Honestly, it shouldn’t work as a concept, but it does.  I’ve only played Pipeline once, and I had a hard time wrapping my brain around the experience (even though I won — BOOHYAHHHH!!).  This is a game that demands more plays, and with those additional plays, I suspect it too could rise into the top ten.

Crystal Palace:  My friend Tom, who co-hosts the Game Brain podcast, recently declared Crystal Palace as the second best game of 2019 (and for the record, he ranked Pipeline at #4 also).  It’s not quite there for me (heck, it’s not even my top ten), but I do think it’s a very good game.  The decisions players face are excellent. And by excellent, I mean cruel, evil, and unrelenting (also an accurate description of me when I’m hangry).  I don’t really have anything bad to say about the game except to say that it just doesn’t “pop” for me the way others do.  I look forward to playing it again and having my feeble brain crushed anew.

Pret-a-Porter, 3rd Edition:  This fashion simulator is brutal.  Simply brutal (for the record, so is the world of fashion — please watch Kell on Earth for further illustration).  Here’s what I dig about Pret-a-Porter:  the worker placement decisions are gleefully difficult (are you guys noticing a pattern to the games I like?), and the act of building up a fashion empire is quite fun — sometimes even deeply satisfying. Most of all, I love that the game focuses on fashion — a pleasant respite from the usual sci-fi or high fantasy themes that dominate the hobby. But that being said, Pret-a-Porter has many fiddly elements (oodles of tokens where a few tracks would have sufficed) that make players feel less like burgeoning Tom Fords and more like some schmoes pushing around game pieces.  Still, a pretty strong economic simulator that I look forward to playing again.

The Quacks of Quendlinburg:  This game actually won the 2018 Kennerspiel des Jahres, which is like the Oscars for board games. It’s a push-your-luck “bag building” romp that has players pulling chits out of a sack in the hopes of increasing their fortunes. Draw too may of the bad chits (in this case, cherry bombs), and you bust, which is bad (duh).  There’s a reason why this game won Game of the Year — it’s straight up fun.  Highly recommended and nearly a contender for my top 10.

Belratti: Here’s something fun.  Belratti is a light, borderline party game in which some of the players are curators at a museum and some of the players are artists (represented by cats and owls respectively, natch).  The cat curators have invited the owl artists to submit art for an upcoming exhibit, but a nefarious faker rat named Belratti is trying to sneak his paintings into the big show.  You know what? I’m not even going to try to explain this game any further because it already sounds crazy. Just know that it’s actually very simple and boils down to simple image association.  We’ve seen variations on this theme in games like “Mysterium” and “Dixit,” among others, but this is the most straightforward, streamlined, and hilarious version of all.  I’ve played this game countless times, and it never, ever fails to enthrall everyone.  I believe it may be getting a large distribution sometimes soon, and if so, Belratti definitely should be snatched up for a light game night. It just baaaaaarely missed the top 10 (in fact it was in there until about twenty minutes ago).

6 Nimmt!:  This is just a simple card game that breed chaos and laughs, and the only reason it’s not in my top ten is because it’s from 1994 (oops).  I’m mentioning it here because I played it for the first time a few months ago, and now it’s in heavy demand with several of my friends.  If you see it, buy it.

Tragedy Looper:  Here is an excellent, excellent game that is so brilliant, it deserves heaps of awards and accolades.  However, it came out about five years ago; so I really can’t in good faith put it on this list, despite falling in love with it this year.  Just know that if you play Tragedy Looper, it has terrible components that often undermine what is otherwise a superb game.  Plus, learning the game can be a conceptual beast, but so so worth it. It’s probably one of the most tense, thoughtful, and fascinating experiences I’ve had in gaming ever.

Okay, are we ready for the top ten??  I reserve the right to revisit this list and change things around in the future kthanxbye.

10. Gugong

The designer of this game, Andreas Steding, created one of my favorite games of all time, Hansa Teutonica; so no wonder that he’s churned out another awesome title.  Gugong has players exchanging cards with different interconnected areas of the board in order to execute actions.  It’s a tricky, beautiful, and gloriously clever game that deserves to get to my table way more than it has. I have played it as much as I’d like to, but enough to know that it’s special. Major brain melting with this one. (Brain melting is good)

9.  Gentes

This game claims to be a civilization-building game, but I can assure you that it’s not, and I’d rather you not get your hopes up high on that front because it would do a disservice to this otherwise sharp and fascinating game.  Gentes uses time, money, and people as resources to forge a thinky — if dry — puzzle.  I only wish the game had more personality, but everything else fires on all cylinders.

8.  On The Underground

Here’s a game that came out in the mid-Aughts, had a moment, disappeared, and then — like so much entertainment in 2019 — was rebooted back to life. Does that mean it’s not qualified to be on a best of the year rundown? Don’t know. Don’t care.  What matters is that I’m am *really* digging this game.  The concept is pretty simple: players must build subway lines for a passenger in London (or Berlin) who then rides the tube to any number of stops. Here’s what I love about the game: the rules are super simple, the strategy is surprisingly deep, and the user-created subway map is incredibly fun to gaze upon at game’s end.  Plus, I enjoy the challenge of building a PERFECT metro line that the passenger can’t help but take time and time again.  If this game reaches a mass market, I recommend it to everyone who’s interested in dipping a toe into board gaming.

7.  Just One

This is about as bare-bones as a game can get.  But it’s also about as fun too.  The concept is simple: there’s a secret word that one person doesn’t know.  Everyone around the table has to present a one-word clue to the guesser, but first, if there are any overlapping clues, they are removed.  What this means is that if everyone goes for obvious words, everyone will overlap, and the guesser will have no clues to the mystery word.  But if everyone goes too obscure, the clues will be too far flung to point to the correct word.  It isn’t the most challenging game, but the theatrical fun of revealing clues only to have four people jot down the exact same esoteric word is kind of unparalleled. A party game essential.

6.  Maracaibo

In this hodgepodge of a game, players are privateers sailing about trading goods, upgrading their ship, exploring the wilderness, fighting on behalf of European powers, and much much more.  Maracaibo is the definition of an overstuffed, convoluted, counter-intuitive mess… and for some reason it works.  It works REALLY well.  How? I don’t know.  Maybe chalk it up to designer Alexander Pfister’s proficiency with mashing disparate gaming mechanisms into a coherent whole, but damn… this game is a blast.  I cannot wait to play it again and again and again and again.  Unfortunately, it’s a bear to teach, and I fear people like my dear friend Sly (who I often recruit for gaming) will be unwilling to ever try this one after they see the laundry list of iconography.  This definitely is not a game for everyone, but for me, it scratches my sweet spot. It may even rise to fifth on this list at some point. Or maybe fourth. Or third! But for now, it holds steady at number six.

5.  Wingpsan

There was a time this year when Wingspan was the easy #1 choice for me.  It’s a fantastic, must-buy game… if you can find it.  Copies of Wingspan have been flying off the shelves (pun intended) steadily for a year with no sign of letting up.  The hot sales have been bolstered by awards, great reviews, and the sort of press normally reserved for more mainstream entertainment.  Is all the hype worth it?  Yes.  This is a paragon of elegant, streamlined engine-building, and the theme of collecting birds is beyond refreshing.  Not everything in board gaming needs to involve elves and wizards, and Wingspan absolutely signals to the industry that there are legions of players who are eager to embrace contemporary, real-world, sophisticated themes (much as Viticulture did in 2013 — from the same publisher, perhaps not so coincidentally).  Even more excellent is that Wingspan is designed by a woman, Elizabeth Hargrave — a stellar debut in a male-dominated hobby.  But let’s not overlook the game which, at its heart, is a fabulous blend of art, theme, fun, and choices. Perfect to pair with a glass of wine and your best friends.

4.  City of the Big Shoulders

First off, this game wins best title of the year.  Without even originally knowing its context, I loved the name.  Then learning it derives from a Carl Sandburg poem?  That’s just fancy (which is great because I am a very fancy man).  City of the Big Shoulders (or COBS, as it has been deliciously nicknamed) takes place in post-fire Chicago and has players investing in and managing the real-life companies that helped rebuild the city (think Quaker Oats, Schwinn, etc). There’s a lot going on in this game — it’s sort of a Frankenstein of worker placement, economic simulation, and stock market intrigue — but it works really, really well.  Choosing how much to invest into each company (and at what time) is a meaty, fascinating decision to make every round.  The real joy, however, comes from building your little businesses into unstoppable money-making machines.  Watching your company stock skyrocket amidst ballooning payouts is pretty much THE BEST.  I’m super into City of the Big Shoulders.

3.  Underwater Cities

I love this game.  It is so so good.  Players compete to make fabulous underwater cities (hence the name), all while battling over limited action spaces and scant resources.  There’s a lot to adore here:  a fun theme, a strong engine-building element, and tight worker-placement competition.  However, what distinguishes Underwater Cities is its clever, agonizing card play.  I won’t get into the specifics, but taking actions in this game involves playing a card, and if the card color matches the action you want to do, you get an all-important bonus.  So, doing a green action with a green card means you’ll get the green bonus. Yay! But what happens when you want to do a green action, but you only have an orange card?  And the orange card bonus is too good to forgo for a green action?  That’s the crux of it: a never-ending, monstrous dilemma that will have you cursing the game but secretly loving it.  For me, it’s an easy top-5 pick for 2019 (even though it technically first debuted overseas in 2018).  That being said, some players bemoan the “kelp strategy” as being overpowered, which could be an issue for those who are wary of such things. For me personally, I’m not going to dive into the great “kelp strategy” debate of 2019. I honestly don’t care too much about it — especially because it hasn’t impacted any plays I’ve had of the game. Plus, a new expansion will be rolling out to stores soon enough, and apparently it offsets the much maligned kelp situation.    Whatevs — the game is awesome, kelp or no kelp.

2.  The Dilluvia Project

You guys.  This game is… fantastic.  Here’s the story with it:  The Dilluvia Project emerged in 2015 with a limited release of about 1,000 copies.  Basically, it was impossible to get — I’m not even sure if it was available in the US.  Eventually it disappeared into the ether, only to quietly reemerge four years later with a large reprint, thanks to Tasty Minstrel Games (which is why I’m categorizing it as eligible for a Best of 2019 list).  There wasn’t a lot of fanfare about this re-release, which is a shame because if any game deserves some love, it’s this excellent worker-placement, tile-laying, “city building” (in name only) game.  I’m so excited about The Dilluvia Project that I may just have to start a second paragraph.

In The Dilluvia Project, players are tasked with building a city in the sky; although that really only amounts to placing a bunch of abstract tiles on a large grid.  But don’t mind that.  There’s so much to consider with this game.  First, there’s a brain-melting market showdown where everyone may buy special bonuses that will critically support their strategies.  Then there’s an achingly intense worker placement phase that has players constantly rethinking their most efficient course of action.  And finally, there are those city tiles whose location on the map leads to a whole other decision-tree of possibilities.  Throw in some tough choices on income generation and a funky scoring mechanism, and you have something just short of pure excellence.  Where the game does fall short is its components.  By and large they are good, but the income tracks are clunky, and the tiles have art that is so over-stylized, it’s easy to forget we’re actually forming a city: most of the “buildings” we erect just look like abstract squiggly lines. Man, if only those tiles actually looked like buildings, the theme would have just shone through so beautifully.  It’s not a major issue for me, but some people I’ve played with have gotten seriously hung up on this stuff, which is a shame.  Despite these nitpicks, The Dilluvia Project is superb, and it was going to be an easy #1 for me… that is, until I played…

1.  Barrage

Welcome to the number one spot.  Barrage not only tops 2019 — easily — but it might just be a top ten game for me of all time.  It’s just that good.  What’s it about?  Building dams in the Swiss Alps!  But also steampunk!  And an alternate 1930s timeline with no Nazis but perhaps giant mechs!  Am I losing you?  Please stay because you need to know about this game.  Barrage hails from a duo of acclaimed Italian designers (Tommaso Battista and Simone Luciani) and first landed on gamers’ radars after a wildly successful Kickstarter campaign in 2018.  From there, everything went downhill.  The Kickstarter fulfillment for Barrage was a master class in ineptitude, and when people did finally receive their copies of the game (if they received them at all), many had torn boxes, warped player boards, and various other disastrous production qualities.  The pitchforks came out, and unhappy Kickstarter backers torpedoed the game’s rating on boardgamegeek.com, a.k.a. ground zero for the board game hobby.

It’s a shame that there’s so much controversy around the components because Barrage is otherwise excellent.  Superb.  Amazing.  Heck, the fact that I’m tossing out these platitudes DESPITE its glaring production issues shows just how good this game is.  Like so many other titles on this list, Barrage plunges players into a web of decisions that is simultaneously thrilling and masochistic, but what elevates this game is its deeply interactive nature.  Players are constantly jockeying for position with their various dams and aqueducts and power stations, ideally leaching precious resources from others to use for their own gain.  This is all supported by razor sharp worker placement gameplay and a super kewl resource wheel thing that is a game unto itself.  In the end, Barrage is all about timing, and players will spend much of the game’s 3+ hours on the precarious edge of glory and utter failure.  Absolutely fantastic.  When Barrage comes to retail, its production issues should be solved, which means you should do yourself a favor and buy it ASAP.

What have your favorite games of 2019 been? Any I’ve missed?

In life, I have two loves. Well, actually I have many loves, but for the purpose of a snappy introduction, I’ll limit it to just two: Nintendo and The Real Housewives of New York. For many years these passions have lived in separate, perhaps decaying parts of my brain, but I’m happy to announce that I’ve finally been able to bring them together for the crossover experience that I’ve always dreamed of.

It all started with the release of Mario Maker 2, a virtual sandbox of a game that allows users to create their own Super Mario boards (ie my lifelong dream since 1986). What better use of Mario Maker 2‘s expansive abilities than designing a tribute level to my most favorite Real Housewife of all: Countess LuAnn DeLesseps?

And so I got to work crafting a sprawling world that could tell the story of Lu’s turbulent life over the past three years: from Sag Harbor single lady to yacht-riding newlywed to hard-drinking convict to triumphant cabaret star. In other words, I spent way too much time making this damn board.

Unfortunately, not everyone has a Nintendo Switch on which to play Mario Maker 2; so for those who wish to pay homage to Countess Luann (or for those who simply are having difficulty beating it), let me take you on a visual tour of the level — simply titled “It’s About Tom.” (2XR-HGp-61G)

We begin in LuAnn’s humble Sag Harbor home. It comes with all the Lu necessities: a disco ball, musical notes, and the promise of star power. Go through the door below the disco ball.

Congratulations! You have found LOVE. Collect the heart of coins if you wish and then proceed onwards through the pipe on the right. Those who wish to bask in the love may receive a special treat…

You emerge on a beautiful, sunny dock. Head to the right and get on your yacht!!!

You’ll soon encounter some musical notes bridging two large crates. Drop down and hit the question blocks. The one on the left will get you a mushroom. The one on the right will send a vine skyward.

Climb the vine. It will take you to the first of five red coins — shrouded in MUSIC, naturally. Grab the coin!

Head to the right of the vine. You’ll ascend a small ramp and come to an area with arrows pointing east, south, and northwest. This is the central intersection of the level. The south is barricaded by red blocks. If you head to the northwest, you’ll find a pipe that spews mushrooms. Feel free to partake. When you’re ready, head to the east where you’ll find your first major challenge: Ramona.

To get to Ramona, follow the arrow and head down the series of conveyor belts and across the bridge of skulls. When Ramona (aka a giant Thwomp) sees you, she will charge at you. Run back the way you came and don’t stop until Ramona retreats.

As per usual, Ramona will cause a wide swath of destruction. Her chaos is your fortune as you now have access to a vine. Climb it and head to the right over the conveyor belts.

You’ll eventually fall down into a room. Head to the hanging P-Switch and strike it.

Once the P-Switch is activated, the Bill Blasters will drop, allowing a small Thwomp to strike the On/Off button. Conveniently, this destroys Ramona, and you’ll be rewarded with a key.

Follow the path back west, arriving back at the central intersection. The red bridge is now gone, which means the southern passage is at last open. Before heading that way, if you’ve sustained any injuries, definitely head northwest to grab a new mushroom from the pipe. Otherwise, proceed to the south.

Once you land on the floor, head left and jump onto the moving platform. From there jump to the first tier of ropes. You’ll have to move quickly to avoid the circling Bethenny plants who are spewing fire at you. (This is why it’s good to be powered up before entering this gauntlet).

Immediately run to the right. You’ll activate a P-switch which will unblock a Bill Blaster beneath you. It will shoot a shell across the way, which will in turn destroy the bricks that block a pipe, which in turn will release a lava bubble, which in turn will activate a Bob-Omb, which in turn will destroy a block, which in turn will lower a Bill Blaster. Got it? While this happens, be sure to claim the second red coin above you. And don’t forget that Bethenny’s fireballs can still reach you; so be careful!

Now that you’ve lowered the Bill Blaster, leave this small room by jumping up and heading to the left out the one-way gate. Head a few steps east, bringing you back to the central intersection. Jump over the southern path and head to the southeast, below the Carole Radziwill (aka Chomper) to an area with two arrows (one pointing east, the other south). If all has gone to plan, the newly activated Bill Blaster is now sending some blithely unbothered Sonja Morgans your way (aka Bob-Ombs).

You’ll notice a locked door to the right behind a barrier of blocks. Grab a Sonja and throw her at the blocks. This will break the wall. You’ll need to do this two times at least. Now use your key to open the door.

In this new area you’ll see a POW block nearby. You want that. To get it, you must first drop down using the donut block. You will land on a red platform.

As an optional side quest, you can use the Sonja Morgans to blast away the blocks over the door. This will lead you back to the central intersection, thus providing you with a small short cut. If you blast away the blocks to the left of the door, you can grab a 50 coin (in honor of Lu’s new friend, Cynthia Bailey, aka 50 Cynth).

After grabbing 50 Cynth, you can even blast two more blocks to extend the shortcut to an area you will be visiting a little later. No need to head that way now though. Head back to the red platform you dropped onto from the donut block.

From the red platform head right and make your way across the hideous room of bouncing cannons, also known as Wednesday Night at the Regency. The best bet is to just hurl your way through the madness. Try not to get caught under any descending cannons or else it’s instant death. As Ramona would say — WHOA!

After surviving a barrage of attacks from cannons who want to destroy Lu, you’ll next have to navigate a confusing tangle of RUMORS, aka moving platforms. You’ll eventually find one that will rise up high (its rail originates directly above a lamp in the background). Ride it to the ceiling, avoiding the Carole if necessary.

Hop on the Ramona Blue blocks and hit the On/Off switch. You’ll gain access to your third red coin. This will also unlock a useful elevator near the POW block that you may need later on, depending on your clumsiness.

Now that you’ve navigated the maze of scandal, ride a platform west through a narrow passage. It will lead you back to the POW block.

You got the POW block! Now take it back through the door you came from. Alternatively, you could jump up through the bridge above your head and then head to the left. It really doesn’t make much of a difference. Remember to be cool — don’t be all… uncool and drop your POW block. If you do, you must re-enter this area via the door (doors reset POW blocks, P-switches, and vines) and ride the newly unlocked elevator up to the POW block.

With the blue blocks turned off, the red pipe now produces a red Koopa Troopa. Stomp and kick it, ideally to the left so you don’t injure yourself. The shell will break open the floor (you may have done this earlier if you were exploring — no biggie). Follow the shell south, as per the arrow’s suggestion.

You will descend into a room, which should have sprouted a vine for egress. If you had done the optional side quest, you would have access to the right path, leaving you the option to skip the vine and traipse over to the shortcut door when you’re ready to leave.

You’ll notice some Carole Radziwells in the corner. Yell “QUIET RADZIWILL!” and finally toss the POW block.

The Caroles will go off to run the marathon, allowing the Bill Blaster to shoot a spring at you. Grab the spring, and position it under the yellow pipe entrance (you can calmly place the spring LIKE ELEGANT PEOPLE DO by pressing down while you throw it).

Use the spring to jump and break the bricks. If you are small, you’ll need to find a mushroom (they are literally everywhere and you should know where the spawning spots are by now). Once you break the bricks, the pipe will drop a shell onto your giant, pumpkin-sized head. Congrats: YOU HAVE A SHELLMET (it’s like the exact opposite of Herman Munster shoes). PS. if for some reason the vine hasn’t grown, you can grab the next shell that drops from the pipe and kick it at the far right wall. It will activate the vine block.

Now that you have a shellmet, you should head up the vine, northwest to the central intersection, and then northwest again to the mushroom-spawning pipe. Keep heading west beyond the mushrooms. You’ll find a door that leads back to the POW block room (if you’ve unlocked the short cut, this could be useful). No need to head into the door now. Instead, continue walking a few steps west until you encounter a moving platform. Hop on it and cross the gap, avoiding the Bethennys and springs at all costs. Remember that the shellmet protects your head against fireballs AND photos of Tom at the Regency with other women!

On the other side of the abyss you’ll find a Tinsley Thwomp losing her mind. If you’ve made it this far without a shellmet, you must turn back. You won’t be able to pass.

Luckily, the shellmet allows you to hit the Tinsley Thwomp from below, which activates the P-Switch. The Bill Blaster drops (be careful, it might sneak out a Bullet Bill as it drops), allowing you to eventually head west. Do enjoy the divine satisfaction of watching the Bill Blaster kill itself as the P-switch expires.

If you lose your shellmet, you can get a new one here.

Continue to head west. You’ll need the shellmet to cross through a tunnel of CABARET MUSIC without getting hurt.

You will reach a ledge. The arrow points down, so do as the arrow says and drop down (protip: always follow the arrows). A Bill Blaster will conveniently shoot a P-Switch at you.

The P-Switch will land right between the “WE GOT THE YACHT” letters. Either grab it or stomp on it and then head to the left. (I recommend grabbing it)

Once the P-Switch is activated, two Bill Blasters will descend onto the W of “WE GOT THE YACHT”. (If you are still holding the P-Switch, now would be a good time to put it down and activate it) Do not fear the Bill Blasters. They shoot money (with which you cannot buy class).

Hop on the Bill Blasters and jump your way up to the floating platform, again following the arrow. There you’ll find your fourth red coin.

Continue to the right, hopping to the next platform and then onto the Dry Bones shell that emerges from the red pipe. Chic c’est la shell!

If you botch the whole P-Switch thing, don’t worry. The question block at the end of “YACHT” sprouts a vine. Go hit it now. If it’s already been activated, go back onto the boat and enter the first door you see. Immediately return through the same door. This will reset the vine. Hit the question block and grow the vine!

Climb the vine until you reach the other vines. Scoot over to the vine on the left and climb that too. When you reach the bricks, break them with your head, and voila, you’re back where the second Shellmet is! Go through the musical notes again and let the Bill Blaster shoot a P-Switch at you anew. This will only work if you have previously used your shellmet to hit the Tinsley Thwomp.

Once you’ve slipped into the Dry Bones shell, descend down to the floor and head to the right. You’ve been here before: you’re back on the dock! Hop onto the boat and go into the very first door you see.

You’re in a hellish room of spikes. Luckily your Dry Bones shell protects you. Hop along the spikes to the right. If you’ve lost your shellmet along the way, hit the P-Switch to make a new shellmet drop on your head. Now hop to the left through the second set of spikes. You’ll find your fifth and final red coin by the door. You will receive a key that you can use to unlock the door.

Once you go through the door, you’ll find yourself on the back end of the ship. Do yourself a favor and hit that checkmark flag so you don’t have to do this all over if you die.

As you head down below the checkpoint, you’ll find a very romantic message — a reminder that despite everyone’s best efforts to undermine her, Lu’s love for Tom continues to go strong. Go in the pipe.

The sunny optimism of the yacht is replaced with dreary darkness as you emerge into a living nightmare. Don’t dawdle. Hop into the Swinging Claw before you miss it and let it take you on a ride through LuAnn’s downfall.

You will be dropped at the doorway of a theater. Be sure to grab a mushroom from the nearby question block if you need it. Enter the door.

Inside the theater, you stand at center stage! But you have one last hurdle: you must defeat the final boss, THE DORINDA SUN.

Make your way up to the Bill Blasters shooting stars, avoiding the Spinys, the springs, and of course Dorinda’s swooping attack. Once you’re invincible, hurl yourself at Dorinda She will cough up a key once defeated. Use it to enter the locked door.

You have silenced the haters and can now bask in the glory of cabaret!! Head to the right, pick up some goodies, jump on the conveyor belt, and head back to the left. The question block will sprout a vine. Climb it.

JOVANI! Run across the Jovani sign and soak in all the adoration from your fans! Enter the door.

You will emerge above a Countess Collection Statement Necklace. Bask in its beauty as it floats above the NYC skyline. Drop down from the necklace, being careful not to break girl code.

As you drop down through the city buildings, you gaze upon the mightiest prize of all: an apple. Congratulations! You have secured your spot on the next season of RHONY. GO GRAB YOUR PRIZE!

If you want to play this course, be sure to use the code 2XR-HGp-61G

Recently on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, fashion magnate and occasional British person Dorit Kemsley launched her new swimwear line, curiously named Beverly Beach by Dorit (né NAVA). It’s a bold new direction for Ms. Kemsley, who has previously lit sartorial circles aflame with such iconic looks as The Golden Bird Poop and Purple Boots Hanging From A Cloud. Now comes Beverly Beach, a brand meant to conjure up visions of a utopian destination – a place where waiters serve champagne in flutes, women cross their legs in PK’s presence, and any passerby can sing “Fever” with Boy George.

Unfortunately for Dorit, Beverly Beach is also the name of the lady who worked at our middle school in the administration department.

Don’t act confused. We ALL had a Beverly Beach growing up. And before we let Dorit take the name and build an empire with it, I felt it was time to honor the real Beverly Beach for all the hard work and dedication she has poured into that job she has had for about 17 years.

Beverly Beach loves printing out a form.

That moment when you catch Beverly Beach singing along to Heart under her breath.

Now hold on – Beverly Beach is still trying to figure out this damn electronic attendance thing. Why did they have to change it?? The Scantron was perfectly fine…

Beverly Beach assures a parent that the bake sale is still on.

Beverly Beach thinks this plastic flower is a HOOT!  Paul gave it to her.

It’s somebody’s birthday, and her name rhymes with Shmeverly Shmeach.

This photo was taken of Beverly Beach after five minutes of her saying “Oh gosh, I hate getting my photo taken.  Fine. Fine.  Let me just put my hair back. You ready?  Now?  Now?  How about now? Oh gosh.”

Beverly Beach is NOT having it today.

Beverly Beach is leaving work early to go see a local production of Angels in America.  She doesn’t know what it’s about.

Beverly Beach has perfected the art of politely smiling until you walk away.

Beverly Beach wonders how long it’ll take for Kevin to notice her white lace shoulder accents. Is it too forward?

Beverly Beach has been nodding in agreement with you for two minutes.

Beverly Beach, talking about that new show she saw with that one person from whatsitcalled.  It’s real stupid, but she sort of likes it.

Beverly Beach knows all the secrets.

Any fanboy of United Parcel Service knows that they love one thing and one thing only: logistics. Well, if you share that same enthusiasm for coordinating complex systems, especially via the lens of cargo delivery, there’s promising news on the horizon. Devir USA’s new game Rhein: River Trade attempts to capture the glory and intrigue of freighting, all within the confines of a humble cardboard box. It’s actually sort of meta when you think about it.

Nevertheless, as geeky as this may all sound, when I heard there was a game dedicated to complex shipping practices, I became very, very excited. Does Rhein: River Trade deliver (groan), or is it something that should have been lost in the mail?

The concept for Rhein: River Trade — or RRT, as all the kids are calling it (note: this is a lie) — is dead simple. Players assume the roles of shipping companies who must send cargo up the Rhein river to far-flung destinations like Hamburg, Köln, Rotterdam, and even London. At the end of the game, whoever has the most money from their deliveries wins. Pretty simple stuff, but there are neat wrinkles to all this.

A snapshot of a game round.

First, there are contracts. Every round, players collect contracts that promise varying amounts of money for varying amounts of deliveries to various cities. For instance, sending 6 crates to Koblenz might net you $18 — as long as your precious cargo arrives within three game rounds. There’s some wiggle room with the order: players can often deliver one or two fewer crates than required, but that contract will net you less money. Deadlines, however, are strict, and should you fail to reach your destination on time, you’ll pay a small penalty and suffer the frustration that comes with wasted time, resources, and money. Just like real life!

Intrigue as players scout out routes on the river.

Excitement builds with the arrival of poke.

The act of sending your junk down the river is the heart of the game. There are several transportation options available, all with their own advantages and drawbacks.

Planes go fast, but they’re expensive to book, and they only stop in a few cities. They’re also the only transportation that can deliver to London.

Trains have more room than planes, and they’re certainly cheaper than them too, but they’re also pricier than boats and can’t carry as much. Their biggest advantage is that they stop in nearly every city.

Ships have the most space for cargo, they’re the cheapest transportation, and they look the coolest. But unfortunately, ships only stop at every other city, which can make for some tricky maneuvering.

Barges and trains jockeying for position.

Oh and then there are trucks, which are truly the cheapest, but they barely carry anything; so like whatevvvs. (Actually they’re really useful to help you transfer goods from ships to a landlocked city).

Figuring out the best method of transportation to move your cargo from Basel (the starting city) to a destination up the river all in the allotted amount of time is the puzzle of Rhein: River Trade. Can you afford to send your goods on a slow barge lazily making its way up the river? Or maybe you need to pay a premium to get from Basel to Rotterdam tout suite. Loading fees and overnight charges cut into your profit margins, which makes planning the right transportation a key priority.

Luckily, players can share transports, and they can even do funky things like transfer from boats to trains or leave boxes overnight in one city so they’ll be collected the next day by an opponent’s airplane. The magic of logistics is at play, and all the fun is in making these systems work for you like a well-oiled machine.

Theoretically.

You see, Rhein: River Trade has problems. On the one hand, it’s a pure delight loading up your little cubes onto a train and seeing them off like parents at kindergarten. Watching your locomotive chug across the countryside is oddly satisfying in the same way that pushing a Matchbox Car on the floor was as a kid. But at a certain point, you’ll realize this game offers few thrills beyond nudging a little wooden piece down a river. That’s because the promise of this game – manipulating transportation to spectacular effect – never comes to fruition.

At each stage of the game there are lost opportunities.

Contracts:
Most of the contracts in the game offer the same profit margin. Sure, a delivery to faraway London will net me about $27, but chances are I had to pay $18 just to get it there, which means I would only net $9. I could just as easily earn the same $9 by investing $5 into a cheap delivery to Karlsruhe, which is only a few stops up the river from Basel. Why am I complaining about this? Because there’s no tension between choosing a rigorous contract vs a simple one. Go for a short contract. Go for a long contract. It doesn’t make that much of a difference (except your cargo won’t be tied up as long in a delivery with a short contract, which is always a perk).

Rhein: River Trade is not the sort of game that balances a bunch of short, weak contracts with a few long, lucrative ones. It’s too bad because the ol’ quantity vs. quality debate is a classic game — nay, business — dilemma, and its absence feels sort of weird. But alas, Rhein forfeits this added layer of decision-making by failing to substantially differentiate the profit margin in contracts. And even if the profit margins did vary greatly, the game itself doesn’t let players with cheap contracts get a competitive edge via sheer quantity. There’s no way to cycle through a bunch of little contracts. Players receive only one contract per round, and that’s it. Someone who focuses solely on small contracts will generally fulfill the same number of contracts as someone who focuses solely on faraway contracts. And so choosing contracts is less about defining a holistic shipping strategy and more about simply finding a city that’s en route to a destination you’re already headed to.

Well, now I’m fully harping; so let’s air another grievance: there’s no reward for finishing a contract early. No financial bonus, no rollover time for another contract, no nothing. As a result, there’s not a whole lot of urgency, and this is made worse by the generous amount of time players have to fulfill their contracts. The lack of a time crunch means that players don’t have to be terribly creative in sending their goods up the river, and more or less, Rhein: River Trade settles into a perfectly pleasant but not entirely thrilling pattern of loading cubes onto transports and watching them chug down the board.

Here’s the good news: in later rounds, as the game end looms, urgency does finally kick in, and suddenly, transportation becomes very important. You’ll be faced with some intriguing choices for sure, but it seems like too little too late.

Here’s the good news, part 2: the game comes with a variant that reduces every contract deadline by one round. Always play this way. It doesn’t transform Rhein into a heart-racing, forehead-sweating stress spiral, but it does add some much needed tension to the proceedings (and motivates some creative delivery schemes).

Loading Phase:
Probably the only significant benefit of finishing a contract early is that it frees up your cargo, which can now be used to fulfill a new shipment. That’s cool. It’s not terribly exciting, but it’s cool nonetheless.

In theory, what’s truly exciting about the loading phase is that it allows players to scramble onto different transports, forcing them to share cargo holds and work semi-cooperatively. But what winds up happening is that one person will generally buy up all the space on the ship or train or whatever, and then that’s it. Even if a player only needs to delivery 4 items to a city, that person will likely load extra pieces of cargo on speculation that a new contract will pop up down the river.

As a result, players wind up silo-ing onto different modes of transportation. Someone took the slow train? Fine. You’ll just take the moderate train for a nominal extra fee. The promise of piggybacking and cooperation doesn’t totally come to be, and there’s not a huge amount of dilemmas that come with picking an option. Maybe if people were limited to placing only a maximum of five pieces of cargo on each transport — or maybe three pieces on a turn, going around and around until everyone has placed what they want to place — then that would shake things up and force more interaction.

Every transport has its own card on which to place cargo (aka cubes). The circular tokens represent reservation markers.

There are also maybe too many transports. At higher player counts (the game goes up to five people), this isn’t too much of a problem. But a game of three can feel too loose at times. There’s almost always a cheap, decent option. In fact, airplanes, which are super speedy but cost the most to use, are seldom even touched until the end of the game. Why not have only a few cheap transports that everyone fights for, leaving the losers to suck it up with pricy shipping by air? It’s simply too easy to hitch a ride on a cheap train or boat.

By the end of the game, with time running out, people suddenly become willing to pay a premium to use fast planes, and honestly, that’s when Rhein: River Trade explodes into some really cool decisions, but having to wait that long to get to the good stuff is not ideal.

Reservations:
The real expenses in the game are not from loading fees, but from buying reservations. In order to drop your junk off in a city, you’ll need a reservation. Should you be sharing a transport, then there might be some nifty brinksmanship with your opponent — who will buy the reservation? It’s totally feasible that you’ll plop down the $7, and they’ll just piggyback along off of your investments. We like this. This is a fun idea.

But here’s the thang: if everyone shovels all their goods onto their own individual transports, the brinksmanship of buying reservations winds up kind of untapped. This idea of jockeying for power on a barge is cool, but it rarely comes into play.

Movement and Transfer

Once everyone has purchased their reservations, everything moves down the river (all in a specific order). This is the best part, mostly because it seems to always result in ridiculous sound effects around the table of foghorns and train whistles. Each transport has its own speed – some can only travel two spots down the Rhein in one round. Others can go nine (airplanes, obviously). However, too many reservations can short-circuit a journey. I won’t go into all the details of how it works, but if you are banking on your plane getting from point A to point D, and someone makes it stop at point C, it ain’t making it to D that round, and that could really mess up the timing. That’s fun.

But unfortunately, such a scenario rarely comes into play. First of all, players are rarely sharing the same transport; so reservation c–kblocks are few and far between. And even if you did get screwed over by someone else, you’re rarely affected (see the lack of urgency above) unless it’s a later round and there’s no more time left.

And since we’re talking about movement, what happens if a slow train winds up in front of the fast train? Does it slow down the entire railway? Nope. Too bad – could have been yet another interesting layer of strategy in terms of what transport to use and when.

The biggest gripe, however, is the concept of transferring goods. This feels like it should be the heart of the game. Isn’t that half the fun of logistics and just-in-time economics? Unfortunately, Rhein: River Trade does not make transferring between modes of transportation easy or even terribly useful. First off, you can only transfer between things if you’ve previously made a reservation at a city, which means that if your boat winds up in the same city as a train, but you didn’t buy a reservation in that city, you can’t offload your cargo onto the train.

Sometimes, you DO have a reservation, but nothing to transfer your goods to. No problem: just offload the stuff into the city and wait for a train to come by. One problem: you now must incur fees, which are on top of the initial loading fees, and don’t include a second round of loading fees to get onto the new train. This means it’s hugely more expensive to do this, and players have very little reason to pursue a transfer-intensive strategy.

One can easily transfer goods off a boat, train, or a plane, for instance, and put them on trucks, but players are NOT allowed to transfer from trucks onto other modes of transportation; so what you can’t do is drop four goods off in one city, load them onto trucks, take them to another city with a waiting boat, and load them on there. Nope.

What all this convoluted writing means is that transferring goods in Rhein: River Trade is neither easy, cost-effective, nor terribly common. Massive bummer. I mean, shouldn’t this game be all about hopping from one train to another, sneaking onto your opponent’s seemingly autonomous shipment?

I’ve done enough complaining. I’m probably hungry. Believe it or not, Rhein: River Trade is still fun, but it’s not fun-FUN. And it should be. It really should be.

This is a game that needs more time in development. The concept is great, and the idea of partnering up with your enemy to ensure both of your goods make it to a destination in time is so clever. But the game mechanisms are either half-baked or overcooked. Transferring needs to be more intuitive and easy, the contracts need to offer more urgency, player interaction needs tweaking, the reservation system needs reimagining. etc etc. Maybe an expansion will harness some of the lost potential, but I’m not holding my breath for it.

I want to love Rhein: River Trade, but I have to settle for merely liking it. Be sure to try it before you buy it.

Review copy provided by Devir USA

With the colossal implosion of Fyre Fest and the premiere of HBO’s new Bernie Madoff biopic, fraudulent behavior seems very top of mind. And for good reason: we love when our white collar criminals trip up. After all, there’s something exhilarating about watching a con take off soaringly, only to come crashing into the ground under the weight of its own hubris. Yes, it’s a pure joy to witness — at least as long as our money isn’t tied up in the mess (sorry, Kevin Bacon).

We all love the tried and true tropes of a long con gone awry: authorities closing in, criminals turning on each other, people committing acts of desperation. It can be great entertainment, but is it something any of us would want to live through? Probably not. Well, guess what folks: thanks to Tasty Minstrel Games, we can all enjoy the thrills of a Ponzi scheme without any of that inconvenient “illegality” stuff.

Enter Ponzi Scheme, a fascinating economic game by designer Jesse Li that simulates the delightful stress of SOUL-CRUSHING DEBT.

In Ponzi Scheme, players hone their inner Madoff as they take money from gullible, unseen saps and use it to pay off other gullible, unseen saps. Along the way, players make trades, “invest” in industries, and watch as their debts threaten to swallow them whole. Like all good schemes and/or musical festivals helmed by Ja Rule, the bottom must inevitably fall out. Someone will eventually run out of money, creditors will go unpaid, and kneecaps will meet an uncertain fate. In other words, Ponzi Scheme motors on until someone runs out of money — at which point, the game ends and players count up their riches. Whoever has the most value in their holdings wins, and everyone else sells their story to Harper Collins I guess.

How this all works is the nifty part of Ponzi Scheme. Players begin a round by approaching a central board of nine “fund cards.” These cards are financial opportunities — ways to fill the coffers of your depleting bank account — but they also present their own nefarious dilemmas. One fund card might bring in a mouth-watering $72 — perfect for keeping you afloat one more round. But its staggering interest rate means that you’ll owe $128 in three rounds from now. There’s no way you can pay that back… but it might not matter if someone goes belly-up before then.

A typical fund card in my fleshy hand: this one will bring in $36, but will require a payment of $63 every five turns.

Nevertheless, you select your card, take cash from the bank, and try your best not to lose your mind as you hide the paper money behind an infuriatingly small player screen — perhaps the most annoying aspect of this game. Can’t we get a bigger screen? Literally, I CANNOT.

The screen looks fine here, but…

…it’s hard to hide the cash once it starts piling up.

It’s not terribly difficult to peek at a player’s riches.

And so every round, players must weigh the funds, the interest rate, and the payment period that each card offers. Do you go for a safe option, which brings in a modest sum but offers a luxurious payment period of five rounds? Or do you do go for big capital up front that will require payment every three turns? It’s all tricky stuff, and honestly, it’s a puzzle I haven’t entirely “grokked,” as they say. But that’s okay. I love a puzzle I can’t grok. #grokkybalboa (I’m sorry).

Over time, players will have different debts to pay off over different timelines. I may owe $35 three rounds from now, $12 in four rounds, and $72 in five rounds. To keep track of this madness, everyone has a little hexagonal “clock” that represents how many rounds must pass before payments are due. Should you need to pay back a debt in three rounds from now, simply place your funding card by the “3” slot of your clock. If there already is a debt due at that time, tough titties: now you owe more. At the end of the round, everyone rotates their clock, bringing the Day of Reckoning ever closer.

And did I mention that you never, ever pay off your debts? That’s because these aren’t loans, per se. These are returns on investments — returns that have been promised to pay out repeatedly over time. So basically, once you pay out your “dividends,” you’re not off the hook. The funding card instead moves along the wheel to a new slot where it will plague you anew in just a few short turns.

The red triangle on the “clock” indicates which payouts are due. In this example, the player owes $122 (gulp).

Once paid, the fund card moves to its new spot where it adds on to whatever else is there — in this case, a pre-existing $12 payout. It could be worse: just look at what’s going to happen in five turns from now…

And this is where things get wacky. Remember the card that needs a payout every three days? Well, now its payment is due the same day as the card that’s due every five rounds. You didn’t plan for that, did you? Suddenly, you’re in the hole for $120, and even if you can scrounge up the pennies to stave off bankruptcy, the relief is short-lived. That’s because it’s already the next round and oh yeah: you’ve got four more cards that somehow are all due at this very moment, and they’re making that $120 look like a pittance. A pittance, I say! Are you stressed now? Because I am. CALGON TAKE ME AWAY.

Nevertheless, when players receive their new funds (presumably from new patsies whose money is being used to pay off the original patsies — hence, Ponzi Scheme), players receive odd little cardboard chevrons that represent a phony investment in an industry. I guess we tell our suckers that this is what we’ve invested their money in? I dunno. What matters ultimately is that there are four industries, and at the end of the game, the more industry chevrons you have, the more points you’ll get. Yup, the goal isn’t really to have the most money (although money nets you points too). The goal is to have the largest number of industry tiles. And that brings us to the heart of Ponzi Scheme.

The four types of industry tokens. I think they’re shaped like chevrons because they sort of look like skyscrapers when they’re put together?

If the game’s signature emotional response is impending dread, and if the game’s coolest feature is its wheel of debt, then Ponzi Scheme’s most fascinating interlude is its “Clandestine Trade” phase. Here, players have an opportunity to make offers for other people’s industry tokens, and it’s all done with a healthy dash of theatricality. The order of operations is simple: a player first stuffs a thick, leathery wallet with cash and hands it to an opponent, merely asking for an industry token in return. If the offer is accepted, then that person pockets the cash and hands over their chevron. It’s a win-win situation: one person gains potential end game points, the other earns much-needed funds to help them survive the next round of payouts. Great!

But what if the offer is rejected? Well, then the tables turn. The rejecting party must match the offer, and in return, that person receives an industry tile from the original person. This means that someone who makes a lowball offer may find themselves losing potential points instead of gaining them. And therein lies the trickiness: how does one necessarily know what constitutes a “lowball” offer? Given that all players keep their money hidden behind those teeny, tiny screens; it’s always unclear how much money anyone has. And not knowing anyone’s financial situation makes it harder to set a price for any given deal. The only remedy is to watch other people’s funding and payouts like a hawk, and that’s easier said than done (mainly because we’re not hawks, and also because we have our own emotions and thoughts to tend to inside our heads).

This dance between money and points is a clever one. Everyone always needs extra cash, but all the money in the world is sort of useless without industry tiles. But along those lines, all the industry tiles in the world are useless if you’re going to go bankrupt next turn.

Sometimes, the clandestine trading becomes a matter of life or death, and making the absolute perfect offer is paramount. All you need is for your opponent to match the cash offer and send the wallet back to you, double stuffed. But what if you’re hoping for too much in return? Your opponent might call your bluff and take your the money, which leaves you in a bigger hole than you started with. It’s a delicate balance — one that I’m decidedly terrible at (but in the best way).

Hands down, this is universally everyone’s favorite part of the game: stuffing cash in the wallet.

In the advanced variant of the game, players may forgo a clandestine trade to purchase one luxury good, which is worth end game points.

Once everyone has had a chance to engage in this incredibly tense and opaque process, the round moves forward through a variety of phases — none of which really need explanation here. All that really matters is that the wheel advances forward and the march towards bankruptcy continues. (There’s also a “bear market” mechanic which sees the payout schedule advance twice in one turn, which can — and often does — royally screw you and your friends. That’s fun.)

The key concept to remember here is that you will lose all your money. You will be unable to pay back your debts. You will fail miserably. But as long as someone does all that before you, you’re golden.

Maybe that’s why I’m terrible at this game: my instinct is to hoard money and take small funding opportunities. But no matter how conservative I am, I inevitably wind up with one hellish round where all my debts crash down on me like a tsunami, and suddenly I’m left with nothing. I almost think the best players are the ones who take brash, wild swings — the ones who grab those huge dollar amounts, even if it means they’ll owe a steep $100+ in three turns from now. When that time comes, they’ll just take another huge influx of money. You need to spend money to make money, amiright? In a game about avoiding financial implosion, such a strategy seems counterintuitive, and yet it’s probably the best way to go.

Or is it? Because all the funding in the world doesn’t matter if you’re making bad trades. It’s all about finding that balance between money coming in, money going out, and how that translates into industry markers. That balance is impossible to pinpoint game to game. Like any real market, prices and values are dynamic. They’re constantly in flux. The only thing anyone can rely on is their instinct, and that may not always be such a good thing (especially in my case). It’s all sort of brilliant, if you think about it.

But is it actually fun? Yes. Mostly.

Ponzi Scheme is a stubbornly abstract affair. As enjoyable as it is to hand over a thick wallet of paper money to an opponent, one never truly feels like they’re engaged in a nefarious scheme. I suppose the impending sense of dread and doom creates a thematic tension, and that’s cool, but for some reason, Ponzi Scheme never really *pops*. I don’t always need thematic immersion to love a game, but in this case, it could have taken the experience from fascinating to thrilling.

To boot, let’s talk about those funding opportunities again. Every round, players have chances to take cards, which will bring them money to fuel their schemes. Notice I say cards and not people. This distinction is important because it reveals a simple way in which the game could have enriched its experience. The truth is, every card represents a person – someone who has foolishly turned over their money to our illegal schemes. And yet here I am simply referring to them as soulless “fund cards.” Don’t worry: I’m not about to go on some tear about overlooking the human toll from white collar crime. But what I will rant about is the fact that Ponzi Scheme is so steadfastly abstract that it botches a great opportunity for thematic immersion and storytelling.

Think about it: anyone who looks at Ponzi Scheme laid out on a table sees nothing but numbers. Lots of numbers. And some random chevron pieces.

The funding board. Not exactly overflowing with personality.

What if the fund cards had been images of people? Or what if they even just had names? Adding personality to the fund cards would have gone a long way to add personality to this game as a whole. We wouldn’t just be taking cash from some anonymous bank at the side of the table. We would be taking money from Miranda Van Wittenhouse (which is a name I just came up with as I typed this). Imagine the fun to be had around the table, knowing that you were fleecing the prominent Van Wittenhouse family of its hard earned fortune. Suddenly, you’re spinning a yarn — the Van Wittenhouses, who hailed from the Netherlands and struck it rich as furriers in Nova Scotia! And maybe someone else is duping Lionel Patterson, Miranda’s wayward lover who met her at the opera and unwittingly ensnared her in the Ponzi scheme as well. Soon, you and your friends are speaking in silly accents, weaving tales of Miranda and Lionel, and discussing how he fell prey to a get-rich-quick scheme in order to impress her, only to imperil them both. You know, crap like that.

PS: I’m suddenly very invested in Miranda and Lionel.

Nevertheless, putting faces and names on the cards would have personalized the entire Ponzi Scheme experience. Players would feel like true con artists, not a bunch of friends engaging in an abstract exercise around a table. Even those strange chevron industry markers might have taken on more meaning beyond just arbitrary endgame scoring tokens. They would have felt like real investment opportunities! Or real fake investment opportunities. I still don’t really understand how they fit into everything. But regardless, missed opportunity.

And as a result, when Ponzi Scheme ends 30 minutes later, players will chatter excitedly about how close they came to losing everything, how their hearts were racing, and how they managed to pull off a few great trades. A winner will be declared, and you’ll all politely put the pieces back in the box and move on to another game. That’s fine. But it doesn’t seem right. Ponzi Scheme should be the sort of game that people clamor to play over and over and over again. Maybe THIS time I can pull off my scheme! Maybe THIS time I’ll make better offers. Maybe THIS time I’ll be lucky! [insert Cabaret musical interlude here]

But every time I’ve played, no one ever really wants to give it another whirl (and I’ve now played it with several different groups of people). Ultimately, the game is a neat simulation of crushing debt, and it’s a cool exercise in establishing value in a constantly shifting market, but beyond that, Ponzi Scheme can be a forgettable affair. I think injecting a bit more personality into the mix could have taken it to the next level.

That said, there are people who absolutely adore this game, especially at high player counts (the game goes up to 5). Their adrenaline pumps as they navigate this murky world of clandestine trades and freewheeling income. It’s definitely a cool emotional experience, and if deal-making and financial burdens are your cup of tea, then this game is certainly worth looking into. I’m still keeping Ponzi Scheme because it IS fun after all and perfect with some sturdy cups of booze. However, I recommend trying before buying. (And again, I’m referring to the game, not an actual Ponzi scheme).

Review copy provided courtesy of Tasty Minstrel Games

Life is a mixed bag — or so the expression goes. I think. Is it an expression? Someone has surely said it. Either way, very few board games literalize the idea of a mixed bag like Orléans, a nifty title from 2015 that has players actually pulling tokens from a soft pouch in the hopes of garnering influence and prestige in Medieval France. Rumor has it this is an accurate representation of how Charlemagne himself ruled Gaul.

Anyhoo, I wrote a warm review of Orléans last year, extolling the game’s use of the “bag-building” mechanic. The whole experience was like a fresh croissant: delicate, flakey, and full of butter. Actually, no. That’s just a description of a croissant. BUT, much like a fresh croissant, Orléans eventually grew a bit stale for me. Don’t get me wrong: I continue to play it (and yes, I would still eat a stale croissant too), but the magic has faded. I blame part of this on my friend Guy — who’s French, incidentally — because he loves Orléans so much that we wound up playing it, like, 1,000 times in one week. I’m afraid one can only eat so many croissants.

What I came to realize about Orléans was that the decisions weren’t always terribly interesting to me after a while. Even with some of the variants proposed in the game and online, I found myself wafting towards the same strategies over and over again, and while I concede that this is a Ben problem, not a game problem, I would also like to concede that it’s sort of a game problem too. Orléans, while pleasant, is sort of a “samey” experience for me. It lacks some of the tense choices that a potentially “samey” game like Concordia or Railways of the World offer. Sure, there are rounds where you pull a bunch of crappy tokens out of the bag, and you have to figure out a way to make the most of what you’ve got, but there’s rarely a sense of urgency in Orléans. If you don’t do something this round, you’ll just do it some other time. And if you don’t do it, then, well, that’s usually okay too. A “beneficial deeds” board sometimes creates a bottleneck of opportunities, and game events gently needle players with annoyances, but Orléans never puts its players’ feet to the fire. More like a space heater turned on low.

With its flaws exposed, could I ever truly embrace Orléans again? Perhaps. A new, kind-of-huge expansion called Orléans: Invasion promises to breathe new life into the game, and thankfully the good people of Tasty Minstrel Games sent me a copy to review. This, of course, begs an immediate question: should people drop the extra $$ on this expansion? And does it reinvigorate, or even improve, Orléans? Answers after the jump.

Most board game expansions offer “more” and “new.” For example, new maps, new pieces, new cards, new actions to carry out, etc. However, the inherent flow, goals, and nature of the base game remain generally the same. Orléans: Invasion is different. It takes Orléans and doesn’t just expand it, but reimagines the game in a variety of ways. Six, to be specific. That’s right: for all you fools complaining about samey-ness (ie. me), this box comes with six modules that upend everything — or most things — we know about Orléans.

A new Carpenter action for use with the “Prosperity” module.

The most radical departure is the “Invasion” mode, which rebrands the game as a cooperative experience with players working together to fend off unseen invaders at the city gates. Two other modes, “The Duel” and “Prosperity,” hem closer to the original rules of the game but still introduce new boards, concepts, and setups.

Lastly, Invasion comes with three solo modes, which to be honest, I didn’t play because sometimes playing games alone makes me feel sad (and yes, I’ve played games alone more than I’d like to admit).

I’ll be straight up about this: I only played the “Invasion” and “Duel” scenarios, but I felt that was more than enough for me to make an opinion about this expansion.

Does Invasion reinvigorate Orléans? Yes.
Is it worth the money? Yes.

Phew, I’m glad I got that out of the way.

Let me tell you a little bit about the two modes and why they work so well.

“Invasion” is arguably this expansion’s most famous scenario. Heck, they even named the whole box after it. Reimagining the game as a cooperative experience is actually low-key genius. Not only does it directly address a common complaint about the base game (people feel like it’s basically multi-player solitaire), but it tightens up the gameplay massively. Suddenly, every decision matters, and punishing, unpredictable events keep players from gravitating towards the same rote strategies time and time again.

Apparently hurling cheese wheels and brandishing wine bottles were popular defensive tactics in Medieval France.

Essentially, players are burdened with a seemingly endless avalanche of objectives to fulfill: send a bajillion knights to the city, collect an insurmountable number of citizen tiles, hand over dollar after dollar after dollar. It all seems virtually impossible to do, but like most good cooperative games, it’s shocking how close you’ll often get. Adding another layer of stress to this is that each player has an individual objective to achieve, and if anyone at the table fails, everyone fails. Ugh.

Various personal objections that must be fulfilled, lest you ruin the game for EVERYONE.

In a recent game I was the Mayor, which made me feel authoritative and cool… until I realized the simple goal of earning $10 and two citizen tiles was much harder than it looked.

Here’s what I like about this. First, I have an inherent bias towards cooperative games as they often generate exciting, memorable social experiences (unless someone is a dick, but I don’t play with people like that). Second, this mode truly tightens up the game. You don’t just want to pull a farmer from your bag (a.k.a. the white token), you NEED to pull the farmer. And if you don’t, you may not be able to execute the action you need, and if you don’t do that, you’re at best debilitated and at worst a failure. Usually you’re a failure. Now those are some stakes. Luckily, some new action spaces keep your head just barely above water. Barely.

Once you do pull out your little tokens (“followers,” in the game parlance), there’s then the new decision of where to employ them. Maybe you want to go to the castle as per your carefully considered plan, but a new event has turned up, and now you must focus elsewhere. What to do? Stick to the longterm plan or deal with the short term problem? Dilemmas! What a lovely concept.

Two new boards for the “Invasion” scenario. So colorful. So stressful.

A new board featuring some of the objectives one must complete to win. Not only is it very challenging, but my group accidentally played the hard variant for our first attempt. Needless to say, we were easily INVADED.

Luckily, each player has access to four new special actions, which allow for new and exciting ways to interact everyone around the table. The Craft Guild, for instance, allows one player to send money to another, and the Hostel allows someone to even send along a follower. Pretty kewl.

As time runs out, the task of fulfilling all these objectives becomes more and more daunting — and yet, tantalizingly within reach. There is real tension in this iteration of the game, and it’s exactly what Orléans needed. Some reviewers say that Invasion is worth purchasing just for “Invasion” alone, and they might not be wrong.

But I’ll go a bit further and say that “The Duel” deserves some love too.

“The Duel” streamlines Orléans into a two-player-only experience (hence “Duel”). Most of the rules are the same: players may embark on their usual base game strategies, but there are a few critical wrinkles in the mix. First, there are four objectives that each player must fulfill, and whoever does so first wins the game. This adds a “race” element into the mix (not “racial,” which would be weird), and that in turn creates tension. You may sense a recurring theme: tension = good. There’s also a smaller beneficial deeds board, which keeps the “Town Hall” action tight and exciting.

But here’s the real rub: “The Duel” forces players to endure a sequence of events that never changes. From game to game, players face the same events in the same order. That may sounds awful, but it works surprisingly well. A random draw of events has unpredictability on its side. A pre-planned sequence, however, has the benefits of knowledge. The game designers know, for instance, what will be most punishing in round 2 versus round 15. And subsequently, players are hit with killer game tasks that make the four simple victory conditions much, much harder to achieve than they should be. Oh, and if you ever fail to fulfill the event obligations, you immediately lose. Difficult, interesting decisions abound.

A supplementary board for THE DUEL. Note the various events that happen each round. They look so benign, but they are actually very devilish. Very devilish indeed! Also worth observing: the middle column, whose four objectives must be completed to win.

“The Duel” also comes with this added action: The Bourgeois House. This officially makes Orleans: Invasion the most bougie game I own.

For all the ink that’s been spilled about “Invasion,” there’s been little highlighting “The Duel.” This scenario completely tightens up and the game for two players, and while some have lamented that this mode wasn’t really necessary, I say PISH POSH. I’ve played two-player Orléans several times, and this is a significant improvement. I probably would never do 2P without it again.

The third module, “Prosperity,” introduces secret scoring goals and new actions. I’m eager to try it, but honestly, I already know Invasion is worth the money. People who don’t have the base game of Orléans should start there and soak in the fun. Should the experience ever grow thin, Invasion should be the next step. And if your love for the base game never diminishes, Invasion is still worth a gander, if only for the variety it brings. When I get around to “Prosperity,” I’ll come back here and provide some updates. Heck, maybe I’ll even try a solo mode. But for now, rest assured that this expansion offers oodles of bang for its buck with just two modules alone.

Last year, I breathlessly compiled some of my favorite games from my collection and presented them to the blogosphere in a post I uncreatively titled, “A Bunch of Board Games You Should Play.” Well, my gaming obsession has continued to grow (to put it mildly), and now I’m back with another avalanche of games to try, buy, or at least consider. With Black Friday around the corner, this is the least I can do to assist those most in need of retail therapy.

Now, to be fair, this is not a definitive list of the best games of all time. Rather, it’s a casual stroll through my collection — like the nerd version of Cribz. All that’s missing is Mariah Carey luxuriating in a bubble bath somewhere. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t be a good blogger if I didn’t pontificate about the things I’m most passionate about, and for now, that means babbling about games. Check out the list, and be sure to weigh in with your opinions…

51st STATE: COMPLETE MASTER SET

I honestly don’t really know why I bought this game. It’s not like I was drawn to its post-apocalyptic theme (which really isn’t my first pick for themes). Maybe I just had Mad Max on the mind. It happens more often than not. Either way, 51st State: Compete Master Set has turned out to be a pretty fun game. In many ways it’s an elaborate card game: players receive cards, play cards, agonize over cards, cry into their cards. You get the point. From round to round, you’ll build an tableau of cards which produce increasingly large numbers of resources that can then be utilized to spectacular effect. Therein lies the fun. It’s all about stringing together combos that make your engine hum. My only complaint: it always seems to end just when my engine is reaching full power. Boo! UPDATE: I just played again the other day, and my engine was totes awesome. Turns out *I* was the problem, not the game. Who would have thunk it?

ARBORETUM

One of the most stressful games I own.

If you ever want your brain to melt while staring at beautiful artwork of trees, Arboretum is the game for you. This seemingly benign card game has players “planting” trees to create bucolic paths that score points at the end of the game. Oh, but you don’t get to score those paths unless you have certain trees in your hand too. I won’t get into what that all means, but suffice it to say: Arboretum is a devilish mix of hand-management, deduction, and very, very tough decisions.

BASEBALL HIGHLIGHTS: 2045

Someone please play this with me

I’m just going to put this out there: I’m not a huge baseball fan. Give me football all day long, but baseball… it just doesn’t do much for me. With that being said, Baseball Highlights: 2045 is an absolute blast, despite my tepid feelings for the sport. Players basically duel off, throwing down cards that may earn them a single, a home run, a double play, or a stolen base (just to name a few). The challenge is knowing when to play which card. I may want to lead off with a home run, but then chances are my opponent will negate the play with one of his (or her — hi Caty!) strong defensive cards. Conversely, I could hold off on that homer for the end of the game, but by then, it may be more important for me to play a strong fielder than a powerhouse slugger.

This hand management leads to an exciting and dramatic gameplay that indeed echoes the ebb and flow of baseball. And that’s just the half of it. There’s a whole deck-building aspect to Baseball Highlights: 2045, which allows players to customize their team in fun and unique ways. Plus, the game structure allows for small “seasons” between four players, and perhaps more intriguingly, full scale tournaments with as many as sixteen (or more) participants. Oh, and as dorky as this sounds, it’s actually a really fun game to play by yourself. Baseball Highlights: 2045 has been a major surprise for me. No prior love of baseball needed (although, I’m sure it makes it all the sweeter!). Now I just need to find more people willing to give this game a chance!

THE BLOODY INN

Recent visitors to the Bloody Inn. I’m not sure how that casket will affect the TripAdvisor rating…

While board games love to tackle monsters, zombies, and various other horror movie denizens, very few actually embrace the macabre. Enter The Bloody Inn, which has players assuming the role of nefarious innkeepers with a penchant for murder, bribery, and other questionable forms of hospitality. As the corpses pile up, so does the pressure — especially when a police officer (or four) inevitably arrive in the hotel lobby. Do you hide the bodies? Pay off the cops? Or simply add that nosy detective to the pile of dead bodies? The game genuinely feels like a classic black comedy, thanks in part to the storytelling it inspires. The Bloody Inn pretty quick, occasionally punishing, and always a fun option in between larger games. I’d love to see an expansion with more characters — particularly some female ones, who are sorely under-represented. Still, super fun game. The more I write about it, the more I want to stop and play it right now!

BOHNANZA

Just your classic homicidal-bean-with-a-ho game.

This card game is a modern classic that has players trading, negotiating, and occasionally cursing their bad luck — all while planting beans. Anyone who enjoys the interactivity and table-talk of Catan will like surely embrace Bohnanza. Best of all: the game accommodates seven people, which makes it perfect for larger groups. Don’t be turned off by the silly, ’90s-era artwork. This is a highly entertaining option that may even qualify as collection essential.

BRING YOUR OWN BOOK

Great party game for people who want something a bit more high-minded. And for people who want to make Emily Brontë sound LEWD. Check out the full review here.

THE CASTLES OF BURGUNDY

Estate planning.

Speaking of collection essentials, they don’t get more essential-y than Castles of Burgundy, a fantastic euro game that everyone should own. Players duke it out to develop an “estate” in Medieval France, which ultimately involves building churches, raising chickens, selling goods, and occasionally visiting the black market. Truthfully, the theme is very pasted-on. This is essentially a game that has players vying for tiles to place on their own personal tableaus, with each action resulting in either points or greater power. It’s tense, exciting, and super fun. The only downside: underwhelming artwork. It’s hardly a problem, but man, I can only imagine how much more engaging the storytelling could be with more evocative art. Nevertheless, the gameplay is perfection, and it can lead to incredibly intense moments, such as the time I grabbed some pigs for my estate, causing my friend Sly to turn red with anger. Do not mention the pigs in her presence.

CASTLES OF MAD KING LUDWIG

I always say the best place for a panic room is right off the foyer.

Hey, it’s another “castles” game, but this one is totally different from Burgundy. King Ludwig has players building bizarre, counterintuitive castle floorplans from various tiles such as a kitchen, a drawing room, or a lilac cabinet. Bonus cards, scoring criteria, and a clever pricing mechanic add fun challenges to the game, but the real draw comes from the sprawling castles that put the Winchester Mystery House to shame. You’ll find yourself doting on a heinous structure that sees guests walking through a subterranean dungeon in order to reach the master bedroom, which in turn borders a meat locker. Enough said.

CHAMPIONS OF MIDGARD

Vikings! Midgard isn’t an amazing game, but it’s fun, and the artwork is excellent. The combination of building up a small army of warriors and then sending them off to battle engenders quite a bit of storytelling, which if you can’t tell, leads to a highly social experience. Check out my full review here.

CITY HALL

I reviewed this game earlier this year, and I’ll reiterate what I said: City Hall is a great, underappreciated game. This is excellent for the consumer because now copies of it can be found from anywhere between $12 and $20. So cheap! Grab a copy before they’re all gone (probably for good!).

CODENAMES

Here’s a clever, little game that has taken the world by storm. Codenames arrived in retailers in 2015 and has already sold millions — for good reason. Teams attempt to identify a handful of words from a grid of twenty-five options, with only terse clues to guide them. Sounds simple, but Password, this is not. The gameplay is shockingly deep and serves as a fascinating meditation on language, meaning, and association. Ferdinand de Saussure would basically have a wet dream over this game. Codenames plays just as well with four people as it does thirty. Collection essential. (Oh, and now there’s Codenames Pictures, which is essentially the same game but with a grid of pictures instead of words)

DUNGEON LORDS

My friend Guy bought me this game for my birthday last year, and after eleven months, I finally managed to get it to the table. Why so long? Well, the game comes with a thicket of rules plagued with exceptions and tricky special cases. Every time I sat down to learn this game, it just seemed like a massive undertaking. The good news is that when I finally did get to play Dungeon Lords, the rules turned out to be not so difficult after all. And the even better news was that the game proved to be very fun, if totally unforgiving (one bad round, and you’re essentially done for the game). Players all lord over their personal dungeons (hence, Dungeon Lords), outfitting them with traps and monsters in an effort to stave off various conquer-happy Medieval heroes. This takes place over two stages: a planning phase that has players engaging in some tricky (but highly entertaining) action selection; then a battle phase wherein your monsters and traps clash with various human invaders. Also, there’s a paladin, and he’s the worst. Turns out the act of building a dungeon and attacking those who dare to enter is so fun that the actual game of it all — a.k.a. earning points to win — feels secondary. Dungeon Lords makes you work hard to love it (endless rules, punishing gameplay), but for those who put in the time to learn the game, they’ll be rewarded. Can’t wait to build my next dungeon.

FIELDS OF ARLE

Purdy.

After reading some raves about this game online, I decided to take a gamble and buy it when I saw it marked down at a store (normally, the game retails for a hefty $80). I knew it would be a risk as Fields of Arle only supports two players, but the rapturous response of its cult following won me over. The game has oodles of charm: little sheep and cows and horses to play with, wagons and wheelbarrows to commandeer, and scads of parks and stables and titular fields to gaze upon. Oh, and swamps. Lots of swamps.

An ideal husbandry.

One thing Arle doesn’t have much of is variety, and in this modern age of gaming, it feels downright strange to not have a hugely variable setup for every game. But fear not: each new session does feature subtle differences in setup, and one might argue that Fields of Arle isn’t concerned with variety of gameplay. Instead, it wants players to optimize their strategy in a largely constant environment — focusing on being more efficient, more productive, and more creative each go around. New players will certainly be overwhelmed by the sheer number of actions available — about thirty or so (although, half of them are unavailable every round… sort of). The best plan is to just jump in and start doing something — anything — and let the game guide you from there. It’s a weird, open-ended approach, but it works. With so many actions on the board, you’ll be surprised by how many times you and your opponent get in each other’s way.

So far, I’m enjoying Fields of Arle. I’m not sure it lives up to the hype, but I’ve liked every playthrough more than the last, and I get the sense that the more I explore in this game, the more depth it reveals.

FIASCO

I wouldn’t classify myself as a role playing game sort of person, but Fiasco is a fantastic way to spend an evening with friends. With the help of some dice, a few index cards, and some pens, players will create their own version of a crime saga (or horror movie or romcom) that will be alternately hilarious, ludicrous, awesome, and unforgettable. This is a game that has nearly brought me to tears of laughter and has provided me with some of my fondest gaming memories ever. Imagination is a must — and so is booze. Just be warned: Fiasco is not a physical game in the traditional sense (no dice, cards, board, etc.). This is a storytelling game where there are no real winners or losers: just your friends hanging out spinning an amazing yarn. Most recently, my friends and I concocted a vivid tale of three researchers in Antarctica trying to smuggle a zombified seal to Argentina. To get a taste of it, check out the guys at Beer & Boardgames here.

FUNEMPLOYED

Everyone needs a good party game, and Funemployed is a solid, often hilarious variation on the Apples to Apples model. One person is an “employer.” Everyone else is a job applicant, and they must briefly come up with a spiel about themselves in order to get hired. But the twist is that they must incorporate various personality traits into their pitches, and those traits are determined by random card draws. So, good luck explaining how being a passive-aggressive, X-Ray vision having, bearded person makes you the perfect fit for that child actor position. Super funny stuff here. One warning: if you’re not someone who enjoys performative games (ie. making stuff up on the spot), this may not be for you.

GRAND AUSTRIA HOTEL

We all deserve a game with a butler.

This is a fun one. At last: a game about serving coffee and streusel in early 1900s Austria. Players all run Viennese hotels (my dream) and welcome a variety of guests into their premises — first serving them food and beverages, then preparing their rooms, and finally, bidding them a good night’s sleep. I’m telling you: this game is actually excellent. I love it. The only drawback is a much discussed player order system that can leave a four player game feeling tedious to many (I was fine with it). Don’t be scared off though: Grand Austria Hotel is super fun with two or three players instead.

GREAT WESTERN TRAIL

WHO GREENLIT THIS COVER???

Here’s what you need to know about Great Western Trail: it’s phenomenal. Here’s something else you need to know: it has super bizarre box art. I mean, how do you have a game called Great Western Trail and not show a gorgeous illustration of the American West? But I digress. Let’s get back to that whole “phenomenal” thing. I thought this game would be fun, but man did it exceed my expectations tenfold. In GWT — which I’ve suddenly decided to call it — players endeavor to herd cattle from Texas to Kansas city, all in the pursuit of money and victory points. This involves cowboys, engineers, craftsmen, local Native American populations, locomotives, and the occasional Holstein cow. I mean, people should get this game for the cows alone.

Have a cow, man.

Ah, but there’s so much more than just cows in this game. There’s deck-building, there’s a tech tree, there’s an evolving rondel. If you don’t know what any of those things are, don’t worry: just dive in. Truthfully, I can’t do justice to all the different moving parts in this game, but suffice it to say, they work together in a strange brew of awesomeness. Designer Alexander Pfister has become the go-to guy for fascinating, clever gameplay, and this may be his best work yet. (Pfister also designed Port Royal and Mombasa, below, and Isle of Skye, which I wrote about last year. Oh, and also Broom Service, which I do enjoy greatly, even if I didn’t write about it).

One caveat: Great Western Trail hasn’t actually hit stores yet (I snagged a pre-order copy), but don’t worry: it will be on shelves soon, and once it does, I believe this is one game that will probably be around for a very long time.

HANSA TEUTONICA

Congratulations: you’re looking at one of the best games EVAAAARRRRR.

It’s dry, it’s unthematic, and it’s virtually the same game setup every single time… but this unsexy Eurogame is AWESOME. Players jockey for position on a map by placing cubes and discs on roads, all in an effort to create trade networks and open offices (supposedly capturing the essence of the Hanseatic League of Medieval Germany. Thrilling).

You gotta love a game that gives players their own little credenza.

The most amazing part about this peculiar game is the way its static game board produces fascinatingly different experiences every playthrough – unlike Fields of Arle, which can feel same-y (by design). Strategy is highly dynamic in Hansa Teutonica, and with streamlined mechanics and virtually no luck, this is one elegant little beast. It’s the sort of game you want to take to a woodsy retreat and play all weekend long. Does that make sense? Maybe not. Nevertheless, don’t be put off by the stodgy art direction. This is an in-your-face Battle Royale that deserves way more attention than it receives.

IKI

If you haven’t read my glowing review of this game, you should. Because it’s one of my favorites. I would hug this box if it were socially acceptable.

LEGENDARY ENCOUNTERS: AN ALIEN DECKBUILDING GAME

Gory art and multiple Ripleys, believe it or not.

I don’t know much about the Alien canon. I’ve seen the first movie, but I’ve never ventured into the sequels — despite the allure of Bill Paxton and Paul Reiser on screen together. That being said, this cooperative game is super, super fun. And hard. Oh boy is it hard. But that’s the whole point. You can’t have an easy cooperative game. Legendary Encounters sees players staving off a seemingly endless barrage of deadly aliens — most often in vain. Ambitious plans usually devolve into death by gashes, impalement, or worse (beware of “chestbursters”). This game is gory, dark, stressful, and a total blast. One moment you’ll be cheering in triumph, the next moaning in defeat. And throughout it all, you’ll probably be yelling in panic. It’s great. Also, four versions of Sigourney Weaver. Need I say more?

KANBAN: AUTOMOTIVE REVOLUTION

Craziest board of all time.

Workplace: the board game. That’s what Kanban could have been called. This remains my only entry that incorporates an overbearing supervisor, weekly meetings, and micromanaging (an actual action to take) as part of the gameplay. Essentially, players are newbies at a giant automotive corporation trying to learn the ropes, all while avoiding the wrath of Sandra, your merciless boss. Seriously, you have a boss named Sandra in this game, and she is one of the scariest figures in all of gaming (unless she’s in a good mood, but that’s no fun — and yes, she has moods). Players must design cars, order parts, oversee the assembly lines, test new models, and brag about their accomplishments at the occasional staff meeting. So much is happening in this game, and it’s all interconnected in a brilliant, amazing way. It’s also deeply thematic: you really do feel like you’re working in a car factory. There’s only one drawback to Kanban, and it’s a biggie: the rules. There are so many that it takes about 45 minutes to an hour to explain them all, which means that this crunchy game rarely gets played. Oh, and then there’s that board — the most cluttered, busy board of all time. If you can find people who aren’t immediately scared away by the board and are patient enough to learn the rules, then you better get this game to the table STAT.

KRAFTWAGEN

Speaking of cars, here’s a lighter take on automotive manufacturing: Kraftwagen (not to be confused with electropop pioneers Kraftwerk). Not much ink has been spilled about this game, but I had read enough warm reviews about it that I felt emboldened to add Krafwagen to a recent Amazon cart (with an ulterior motive to expedite the delivery of some dental floss — we’ve all been there). I’m glad that I did. Not only did my package arrive that night (yaaassss same-day delivery), but the game has proven to be excellent.

Players assume the role of would-be tycoons in Germany’s burgeoning, early 20th century automotive industry. Over the course of the game, players research technology, build bigger and better cars, race their models on a Grand Prix track, and most importantly, sell their wares to a fickle marketplace. It’s that last part that makes this game sing. Manipulating the market demand, churning out product to meet it, and undercutting your opponents is the heart of Kraftwagen. It’s so fun, so streamlined, and so clever that I can’t wait to dive in for more plays. This may be the next game I give a full review to, if only to help spread the word. But be warned: should your friends conspire to keep you out of the car market, the effect can be moderately soul-crushing. Trust me: I know from personal experience. Be sure you are mentally fit for the sharks of Kraftwagen.

MADEIRA

Some say this is one of the heaviest games out there. Some say it’s also one of the best. Madeira is all about colonizing the eponymous island, and if you can emerge without your brain melting into a puddle of goo, you’ve won half the battle. Every decision rides on a wave of fifteen different sub-decisions that can be both debilitating and (somehow) thrilling. I can’t even really describe the sequencing your brain must do to effectively play this game. Trust me: you will be working many, many steps ahead at any given time. If this sounds like a good time to you, then by all means, track down this game. Otherwise, you may want to head toward something lighter. Personally, I love the puzzle that Madeira presents. It’s a great, cerebral challenge, and making it to the end of the game feels like a victory in and of itself.

THE MANHATTAN PROJECT

Atomic age goodness.

This game is the bomb. [pauses for strained laughter] In a gaming landscape dominated by sci-fi, fantasy, farming, shipping, or zombies, it’s so refreshing to have a big, colorful take on the Cold War. Players are tasked with launching a nuclear weapons program, specifically involving uranium and plutonium. This requires legions of workers, universities, mines, fighter jets, bombers, money, and my favorite resource of all time, Yellow Cake. All this combines to create an exciting, occasionally hilarious game full of dramatic moments (espionage!) and thrilling outcomes (potential world destruction!!). Fantastic.

MARRYING MR. DARCY

Heavens!

At last, the Jane Austen role-playing card game we’ve all been waiting for. In Marrying Mr. Darcy, players take on a female character from Pride and Prejudice and do their best to marry an appropriate gent. For Elizabeth Bennett, that means trying to nab hunky Mr. Darcy; for Kitty Bennet, well, Mr. Denny is a nice option (at least in the game). Of course, you could wind up an old maid instead, and NO ONE wants that!

As far as gameplay goes, Marrying Mr. Darcy is nothing to crow about. In fact, it’s pretty unspectacular. However, the real fun comes in the table talk as players attend balls, engage in terrible piano concertos, and occasionally bring scandal upon each other. I wish the cards were more interactive, and I wish there was slightly more to do in the game, but ultimately, as long as everyone’s drinking and using fake British accents, there’s plenty of laughter to be had.

MOMBASA

Here’s a theme to make you feel uncomfortable: capitalists ravaging Africa for diamonds and riches. Yikes. Mombasa could have been a tone deaf contribution to the annals of board gaming, but luckily, this game isn’t really about human exploitation and the dark consequences of colonialism. Instead, the emphasis is on economic growth and exploration. Mombasa is a fascinating game that twists my brain into a pretzel. And then melts it. This is a tense, tricky game with lots of player interaction and a glut of mechanical systems: hand management, worker placement, deck building, area control, and stock markets. It’s crazy and worth a try.

NIPPON

This is an intense, nerve-wracking game. It’s not for everyone: some people find it overwhelming. But I think it’s great. Take my word for it (or read my review).

NO THANKS

Not every game in my collection is an epic brain burner. No Thanks is a simple card game with a clever auction and a few tricks up its sleeve. Accessible for nearly everyone, large enough to accommodate big groups, and quick enough to merit multiple plays, this is probably the best tiny game I have. Don’t believe me? Just wait until your palms begin sweating as you clutch desperately onto your dwindling fortune of red chips. It’s that good.

PORT ROYAL

Who doesn’t love pirates? Maybe seafarers trying to mind their own business, but that’s neither here nor there. This game has players pushing their luck to gain money and influence, culminating in a race for victory points. It’s light, enjoyable, and a lovely card game for those seeking the glory of the high seas without all that scurvy nonsense.

POWER GRID

This game has so much UTILITY.

Ever dreamed of launching your own Con-Edison empire? Do you imagine what your life would be like as the CEO of a major utility? Have you ever priced oil commodities for fun? Then Power Grid is for you. Players bid on power plants (or the occasional windmill), purchase fuel, and then power up cities across a map, earning income that can then be funneled into the next auction. Sound dry? Because it is. But it’s a good dry! You know, like a California summer. Full disclosure: I’ve only played this game twice, and both times with just two other people (the game goes up to six). But guess what? It was super fun. At a full suite of players, Power Grid is supposed to be long but excellent. I’m down with that.

RAILWAYS OF THE WORLD

The Railways of Europe expansion.

Probably a top three game for me. All I want to do is play this game. I’m not even joking. Review here.

SAFRANITO

A surprise hit with my friends, this game has players flicking discs across the board, trying to land them in bowls of beautifully illustrated spices: cinnamon, garlic, cumin, etc.. The number of discs that land in each bowl determines the price for the spices, and then it’s up to the players to buy and sell until they can fulfill three orders of spices. So, yes, this is a mashup of dexterity, economics, and seasoning. What could go wrong? Nothing. Everyone loves this one (EDIT: except my friend Derya because she’s really bad at throwing chips).

SECRET HITLER

Box o’ fun / fascism.

Secret what? Hitler? Oh dear. Someone made a party game about Hitler. This can’t be good. Actually, it’s effing FANTASTIC. Secret Hitler, brought to us by the people behind Cards Against Humanity, is a brilliant social deduction game that takes the classic formulas of Mafia, Werewolf, and The Resistance, and elevates them to a vicious, hilarious, and fantastic new place. Everyone around the table is ostensibly a liberal, but quietly amongst the group are a few fascists — one of whom is Hitler, the bastard. Over the course of the game, the players will be establishing a government and passing laws. If the liberals can pass five liberal policies, they win. If the fascists can pass six fascist policies, THEY win. Oh, but there’s more. The liberals can also win if they find Hitler and assassinate him. But they can only assassinate him if a certain number of fascist policies have already been passed. And the problem is that once three fascist policies have passed, then if Hitler is elected to Chancellor, the fascists win immediately.

This may sound dry as hell — policies? governments? — but trust me, it works phenomenally. The amount of deception and mind games at play is unparalleled. As a liberal, the feeling of paranoia and distrust is shocking. As a fascist, the fear of accidentally revealing yourself is terrifying. It’s amazing. I’m not even going to go into the excitement and theatricality that comes with every policy that passes.

But wait — Hitler? Isn’t it kind of messed up that some players at the table are actively rooting for Hitler, one of the worst despots of all time? A man who spearheaded the deaths of millions and millions of people across Europe during his reign? Well, yes, that is messed up. But the game goes to great lengths to abstract Hitler — focusing more on his rise to power than his anti-Semitic ideology (for what it’s worth, Secret Hitler also comes with a surprisingly effective graphic novel that details the rise of Adolf Hitler). There are no swastikas in the game, and Hitler is portrayed as a nasty reptile (as are the other fascists). The point is that yes, this is difficult subject matter, but similarly, once the laughter dies down, the game proves to be a sobering reminder of how bad people can rise to power. It’s not just cheap provocation. Dare I say it: the game makes you think? But even if you don’t want to get all deep and academic, Secret Hitler is an excellent game, and it’s by far the best social deduction game out there.

PS. I have to give a major thanks and shout out to my podcast listeners Chelsee and Karlee for sending me my copy of the game! THANK YOU.

SHIPYARD

I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!

I actually haven’t played this game. It arrived two days ago. I’m just excited that I can build my own 19th century ships!
UPDATE: I played this afternoon, and it was super fun. Also, agonizing — people kept taking the actions I needed. But that was half the fun of it. The other fun part? Sending a ship off to sail. Deeply satisfying…

SNOW TAILS

Sleds and fir trees!

This is another game that lands firmly in the “spontaneous purchase” department. I was in a game shop in Oakland, CA, and for some reason I decided that dogsledding would be my next gaming focus. Maybe it was the cute huskies on the cover or the ability to place adorable fir trees on the race track, but I plopped down some money and never looked back. So far, I’ve only been able to play Snow Tails twice, and both times have been lovely.

One of the best parts of the game: designing your own tracks from the modular pieces.

Snow Tails definitely plays better at higher counts, and I can’t help but feel that the game gets more exciting once every player has wrapped their heads around the rules (which are simple and yet somehow mystifying for certain people). I’m looking forward to getting Snow Tails to the table more often, perhaps as a double feature with Thunder Alley (see below).

STAR REALMS

Unlike most of the games on this list, Star Realms is super cheap — costing about $10 at a local game shop (less online). It’s a quick but fun deck building game that has players facing off against each other in a galactic setting. Basically, you’re trying to destroy the other person. As your fleet grows and expands, your powers will increase, and a dramatic tug of war will ensue. It’s a small game, but surprisingly very fun with dramatic swings of power. Better yet: the iOS implementation is great, and a perfect (free!) way to try before you buy. But seriously, you should just buy it.

TERRAFORMING MARS

Post-game enthusiasm.

When it comes to card-driven, engine-building games, Terraforming Mars is the new hotness. This epic beast of a game has players using cards to turn a blank map of the Red Planet into a lush and beautiful(ish) habitat full of greenery, oceans, and cities. In short: it’s super fun. Whereas the similar engine game 51st State sometimes feels like it’s over just when you’ve gotten your sea legs, Terraforming Mars gives you time to build your tableau and then some. Like, a lot of time. So far, the average play time has been about four hours. That’s a long chunk of time, but I’m down with it. Why? Well, not only is the game fun, but it has an arc to it: the first act sees players just trying to get themselves established, earn some income, and reach some milestones. The second act finds everyone leaning into their engines and producing large sums of money or plants or titanium. The third act is a race to the finish line as players cover the main board with tiles representing forests and oceans and urban centers, among other things. By the end, Mars has fully transformed, let alone terraformed, and while it may have taken several hours, the sense of accomplishment (similar to that felt with Railways of the World) is palpable.

A few caveats though: don’t bother with the Beginner Corporations, and be sure to skip right to the Corporate Era variant. It makes all the difference between a neat game and an awesome game. When the game is over, I find myself almost immediately ready to play again — if only to try out new combos and strategies. The more I play it, the more I like it, and I already like it A LOT. Wait, let me terraform that sentiment: I don’t just like it. I love it!

THUNDER ALLEY

NASCAR isn’t quite my thing, but I impulsively purchased this racing game anyway because it had rave reviews, and guess what? It’s really fun! I mean, I think all my games are fun, but this one really is a good time. Players lord over a team of cars, all vying to cross the checkered flag first. The twist in this game, however, is that it’s not just about the individual racer but the team as a whole; so your first place finish means nothing if all your other cars are at the back of the pack. Adding spice to the endeavor are innovative movement rules that have cascading, rippling effects on the racers around you. Suddenly, cars are shifting and moving in unexpected ways, and the whole thing winds up feeling like a real, honest-to-God race! Sewwwwwww coooool. Two words of warning: first, some people just can’t get past the NASCAR theme. You know, snobbery and all. As a result, this could be hard to get to the table. Second, those innovative movement rules are the best part of the game, but it’s shocking how certain players are simply incapable of wrapping their heads around them. Be ready to calm their frustrations.

TROYES

If you’re in the mood to break your brain (a common theme with this list), Troyes is a great option. It’s not a complicated game, per se, but some of the actions (which involve adding, dividing, and then multiplying) can be a bit much for some people. The good news is that once you’ve “grokked” it, you’re in store for a lovely dice-driven game that has players making a name for themselves in Medieval France. Between fending off marauders, building a cathedral, influencing various tradespeople, and employing the occasional archer, you’ll have much to do with your time… but not much time to do it all.

Dice were a very important part of Medieval life.

Troyes is definitely the sort of game that reveals its layers and nuances with repeated plays. I wish I could get it to the table more, but it isn’t always the most attractive option to new players (again, all that math). Oh well. Maybe I’ll dust it off this weekend. It deserves it. FYI: Troyes has been out of print for some time now, but a re-issue is coming down the pike soon(ish).

TUMBLIN’ DICE

Bar none, the best dexterity game out there. Whether you’re a gamer or not, you’ll be sucked into this rowdy dice-chucking game. It’s sort of like bocce, but with dice (and a multi-tiered playing surface). The concept is simple: roll your die across a board and collect points for whatever pip value you land on. Should you roll your dice particularly well, they may wind up in a 2x, 3x, or even 4x multiplier zone. But it’s not that easy: the terraced board causes dice to tumble and accelerate in unexpected ways — especially if you get fancy and add in a twelve or twenty-sided die. Then it just becomes madness. Next thing you know, your dice are careening off the board, earning you a big fat zero. You don’t want that.

Tumblin’ Dice is a blast. Perfect for serious competition, but between you and me, it’s even better as a drinking game.

VOYAGES OF MARCO POLO

This is what board games are all about. Marco Polo has camels, chunky dice, a colorful board, and little bags of spice. Did I mention the camels? Players must trek across Asia, stopping at various cities to acquire goods (and camels, natch), all while trying to gain precious, precious money. A tricky dice mechanic makes the entire endeavor extremely challenging, but thankfully, every player gets their own character who comes with a very unique — and strong — power. Half the fun of the game is watching your opponents grimace while you break the rules in your own special way. Of course, turnabout is fair play, and soon you’ll be the one scowling while your friend travels from city to city with so much ease you’ll want to vomit. (Just to clarify: this is a good thing). I recently played a two-person game of Marco Polo, and it was exceptionally fun. Our final scores were separated by one point, which is a testament to how well balanced this game is. Wowwweeee.

WINGS FOR THE BARON

I have grown to have great fondness for this game. It’s fiddly as hell, the components are crappy, and the theme is a bit dry, but I’ve always had so much fun playing it. There’s something inherently silly about a game that has you cheering loudly about inflation rates or government contracts. Wings looks like a really serious, imposing game, but it’s a romp. Check out my full review here.

ZHANGUO

Obsessed. OBBBBsessedaaah. Okay, I’ve only played this game twice, but I am newly obsessed. ZhanGuo came out a few years ago and may even be out of print, but it never really caught on, which means there are copies of it all over the Internet. I got mine for about $29, which is cray cray. I am astonished that this game doesn’t get more love because it is great (again, I’ve only played it twice, but I digress). The heart of ZhanGuo is a supremely clever and simple design: players either play a card to their personal player board or to the central game board. If they do the former, the cards will build up their special powers, for lack of a better phrase. If they do the latter (aka play to the central game board), players get to execute an action, perhaps even earning a bonus in the process. Notably, that bonus is dictated by the cards they have previously played to their player board (special powers, remember?). Unfortunately, there are only so many turns in the game, which means every time you decide to bolster your bonus powers, that’s time that you’re not taking essential actions. And every time you take an action, that’s time that you’re not powering up your board for stronger bonuses. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Craziness. So simple, so deep, so awesome.

But importantly — and this is important — the act of playing ZhanGuo is FUN. This is a brain-burner for sure, but while you’re knee-deep in mental gymnastics, you’re also really enjoying yourself. It’s hard not to chuckle gleefully when you activate your bonus powers and receive a windfall of actions and resources. I’d rank ZhanGuo, Kraftwagen, and City Hall as three great dark horses that people ought to seek out.

Also:

If you’re interested in buying any of these games, this may help (games in italics are on last year’s Games You Should Buy list):

COLLECTION ESSENTIALS: Bohnanza, Catan, Castles of Burgundy, Codenames, Concordia, Dead of Winter, Pandemic, Railways of the World, Survive: Escape from Atlantis

WORTH SEEKING OUT: Iki, Zhanguo, Railways of the World, Tumblin’ Dice. Also: Secret Hitler, Terraforming Mars & Great Western Trail (hard to find now, but all three will be widely available very soon)

PARTY GAMES: Codenames, Secret Hitler, Funemployed, Bring Your Own Book, A Fake Artist Goes to New York

BEST VALUE: Hansa Teutonica, City Hall, No Thanks, Star Realms, Castles of Burgundy (if you can find it below $30, which you often can).

EVERYONE LOVES IT: No Thanks, Secret Hitler, Safranito, Survive: Escape from Atlantis, Tumblin’ Dice

IF YOU HAD TO BUY JUST ONE: Railways of the World

In a shocking development for Finding Prince Charming, calories were ingested! Yes, this week’s installment of Fi-Pri-Char saw Robert taking three different men out to eat — a ghastly turn of events that has NO PLACE on a gay dating show. It was an overdue moment of redemption for the three contenders: Robby, Eric, and Brendon — none of whom have had one-on-one time with their would-be lovah.

The bacchanalia started with Robby, who surely did not enjoy hearing Robert call him “funny.” The Friend Zone seemed imminent, and in an effort to turn around his fortunes, Robby went in for a kiss — not even waiting for Robert to pull off his trademark whisper of “C’mere…” Such a privilege was instead given to Chad, Brandon, and maybe Eric, but to be honest, I really don’t remember anything about Eric’s date except that he hates open relationships, his dad kisses his mom, and his hair looked nice.

Of course, as this is a peek into the gay lifestyle, no embrace of food can be complete without a rigorous workout routine to follow. Robert took the remaining men to a bootcamp experience, and within moment Paul was panting, sweating, and bemoaning the lack of cold towels — the kind his very considerate trainer offers him on a regular basis, apparently. Paul had surprisingly taken over the lead coming into this episode, but this morning exercise fully undid him. Not only did he not smile when being tasked with hideous cardio routines (the horror!), but he refused to sit on the ground (okay, that’s weird) and professed a lack of experience with sit-ups (apparently, a huge turn off for Robert). All of this was a pure disaster for him — after all, the gym is Robert’s church, and anyone who deigns to disrespect it has no place in his life. If he were capable of registering emotion, I’m sure Robert would have been truly outraged.

And so Paul was sent home where he could hopefully enjoy a fine restaurant meal at last. Now there’s only one person left from the Nice Guys volleyball team. You better watch out, Chad…

Photocap after the jump…

Robby: “So what did you think about tonight’s black tie ceremony, Paul?”
Paul: “Well, I’m struggling to understand why we call it a black tie function when in fact it’s merely a semi-formal event featuring ties that are black.”
“Oh sweeitie, you need to loosen up.”
“I’m very loose. Just the other day I impulsively bought season three of Frasier.“

“Cheers to Danique the Freak!!!! Although, let’s be honest: he never had a chance.”
“Did you see his pimple?”
“Ew.”

“Good morning!! Anyone awake and emotionally vulnerable yet?”

“Hey guys, I decided to drop by and make my favorite breakfast: sliced cantaloupe with protein powder.”

“Robert, tell us about yourself. What sort of music do you like?”
“Hmmm… well, right now I’m really into DJ Credenza Borealis. I just downloaded her new club banger, ‘Ford Fusion.’ So powerful.”

Robert: “Paul has a hair sticking up. I’m not sure I can connect with that.”

Paul: “You’ll have to excuse my three uncombed hairs. They usually spring up when I crave a fine restaurant meal.”

Robert: “Wow, this breakfast looks amazing.”
Justin: “There’s no food on the table.”
Robert: “Precisely.”

“Wowwww turkey bacon! Who made this?”
“Dillon!”
“NO ONE EAT THE TURKEY BACON.”

“Has everyone had their three bites? Good. Now we can clean up.”

“Okay girls, let’s go work off that cantaloupe!”

Chad: “To prove that I’m not awkward, I’ve decided to corner you in this oversized bassinet.”

Chad: “We have so much chemistry, as expressed by my arm slung rigidly across your back.”
“Thank you for making your armpit vulnerable.”

Chad: “I just don’t want to be hurt again. That’s my biggest fear.”
Robert: “Who hurt you?”
“My pet canary. He pecked my finger once. You won’t do that, will you?”

Robert: “This will get him to shut up.”

Robert: “Now please stop talking to me.”

Lance: “You guys – Robert is going to have one of you for an appetizer, one of you for a main, and one of you for a dessert.”
Robert: “Wow. This is such a hard choice. Will we be going to Fresh Corn Grill?”

“What I would give to enjoy a FINE RESTAURANT MEAL. But listen to me prattling on: I’m a regular NILES CRANE.”

“Robert may be on a date with someone else, but we’ll always have the color BLUE.”

“So, Robby, when did you get so FUNNY?”

“Darling, what ever do you mean?”

“You know… funny.”

“Do you mean flamboyant? Is that what you’re trying to say?”

“You tell me. Literally – I have no idea what that word means.”

“If I may be so gauche to ask, how was your FINE RESTAURANT MEAL???”

“DISGUSTING. Everything was lardon-this, butter-poached-that.”

“Okay, Paul, calm yourself. No reason to be jealous that Robert wasted a FINE RESTAURANT MEAL ON THIS DAPHNE MOON OF A BOOR.”

“Hello. I’m pretty but boring.”

“Me too. Thank you for being honest about your lack of personality.”

Robert: “Sometimes my dad will tell my mom that he loves her.”
Eric: “Sometimes MY dad will kiss my mom.”
Robert: “We have so much in common.”

“This is nice.”

“Yeah!”

[clears throat]

“So…”

“Can I go now?”

“Hey gorgeous!”

“Hey there! Listen, I don’t mean to be rude, but I have a date coming right now. He’s supposed to be my ‘dessert.’ I know, crazy right?”

“It’s me! Brandon! I’m your dessert!”

“I’m sorry, have we met before?”

“I’ll take my necklace back now, theeenks.”

Robert: “Thank you for running at the same pace as me. We really do have so much in common.”
Chad: “I love you.”

“AND KICK AND STRUT AND KICK!!!”

“Quick question: will there be a very considerate trainer to bring us cold towels? I hate to be such a Roz about it, but daddy’s getting overheated.”

Robert: “Are you seriously not sitting on the mat?”
Paul: “I just don’t want to mess up these shorts. I plan to wear them later to a FINE RESTAURANT MEAL.”

“Is this what it feels like to be on the hot volleyball team??”

“Hold up – I just want to grab a lock of your hair for my scrapbook.”

Paul: “This is a rather devilish exercise.”
Robert: “Do you not do sit ups?”
Paul: “Not particularly. However, I do engage in a lot of core work. My very considerate trainer has me recite wine varietals until my stomach hurts.”

Robert: “Put your head down.”
Paul: “I’m sorry Robert, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“Just relax.”
“This is actually the most I’ve relaxed in years.”
“You are literally in the most tense position possible.”
“Really? This feels divine. All that’s missing is a FINE RESTAURANT MEAL.”

“Paul, I have concerns. You’re in great shape, but you don’t like sit ups. How is that possible? What does this mean? Where do we go from here?”

“I suppose while you do sit ups, I could lift weights?”

“DO YOU REALIZE HOW CRAZY THAT SOUNDS?”

“Not really.”

“Quick: what’s your favorite color?”

“Green!”

“Oh geez. It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

“Paul, you need to stop trying to be so perfect. We’re all flawed. I’m very flawed. Just do a Google search on me. Actually, don’t.”

“I’m very flawed! Just the other night I paired a pinot noir with a roast squab!”

“Paul, it’s time to face facts: you were on the ugly volleyball team, and I made a vow to eliminate all of you guys first. So, I’m sorry, but I need to take my tie back.”

“Well, I’ll always have ‘Frasier’ to keep me company.”

“Who’s Frasier? Does he work out?”

Always a bad omen for love when the Eye of Sauron appears.

What did you think about this episode? Did Robert make the correct choice?

I have to admit that I wasn’t planning on photocapping the latest Finding Prince Charming, but then I received a sign from the heavens that changed my plans — nay, my life. This morning I spotted none other than Robert Sepulveda Jr. himself lingering around the hot deli bar of my local Ralph’s supermarket. That’s right: I FOUND PRINCE CHARMING. If that’s not an omen, I don’t know what is. Unfortunately I didn’t take a picture of this spectral being because a) my hands were full of Starbucks and supermarket sushi, and b) there really couldn’t be anything more humiliating than snapping a pic of a Logo star at Ralph’s. I decided I would mentally thank him for being vulnerable to the deli section, go home, and write this photocap. And here we are.

This week, the show reached new levels of lunacy as Sam flipped his lid and excoriated Dillon for being a canary, a shit-stirrer, and essentially the source of all evil in this world. It was a fabulous flameout that resulted in Sam sauntering out of the house of his own volition while Justin nonsensically cried. Meanwhile, Robert suddenly decided he liked Paul and was so aroused by the tragic story of his ex that he stood up and planted a big, sloppy kiss on his face. It was not for the fainthearted. It was not for anyone, really.

Here’s the photocap:

“Hey guys, who wants to play a game called ‘Luck of the Draw?'”

“MEEEEEE!!!”

“And who wants to do my taxes???”

“MEEEEE!!!”

“And who wants to help me get rid of a dead body?”

“MEEEEE!!!”

“I’m not a canary. I just dress like one on TV.”

Sam: “Goddamn fucking house full of goddamn canaries undermining me.”

Dillon: “Hey Sam, you nervous for your date? You know, on account of you being on the ugly volleyball team?”

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME????”

“I’m Dillon. Your friend from the hot team.”

“NO. YOU’RE A CANARY!! CANARY!!!”

“I’m just trying to send you good, happy, HOT energy.”

“LIAR! YOU’RE SENDING ME CANARY ENERGY!!! 100% PURE FUCKING CANARY!!!”

Robert: “Are you nervous, Sam? It’s not easy balancing someone highly charismatic like me.”

“OF COURSE I’M FUCKING NERVOUS YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!!!!”

“I’m sorry. That outburst before isn’t the real me. I’m a very sweet, kind person who just happens to have a PASSIONATE HATRED FOR CANARIES!!!”

“You know, Sam, I can’t help but notice that you’re wearing the color blue, which is funny because that’s my favorite color. I really feel like we’re starting to connect.”

“You’re just a big ol’ dumb-dumb, aren’t you, Mary?”

“Thank you for being vulnerable enough to say that.”

Robert: “Hey Justin, what would you name a horse if you had one?”
Justin: “Black Beauty!”
Robert: “Me too!”
“YAAAASSS!!!”
“So much chemistry.”

Robert: “Do you ever think about how weird it is that our favorite horse name is BLACK beauty, even though our favorite color is blue?”
Justin: “LIDDDERAALLLY that just blew my mind.”

Robert: “No offense Chad, but there’s, like, so much more bench we could be using.”

Paul: “Today has been one of the greatest days of my life. Thank you for taking the time to endure my awkwardness.”
Robert: “No, thank YOU for teaching me that I can connect with someone who doesn’t wear blue.”

“Are you putting me in the friend zone, Robert? Be honest.”

“Aw, Danique, that’s so adorable for you to think we would even be friends.”

“MY TURN! MY TURN!!!”

Dillon: “YOU WILL LOVE ME.”

Robert: “Never do that again.”

Dillon: “Mmmm – his shoulder smells like tears and humiliation.”

“So…. did I just totally blow my shot?”

“Well, we really have no chemistry, and you’re kind of smothering, and I really don’t see a future with you, but… you’re hot. So, don’t worry about it!”

Dillon: “Thank you for letting me stare obssessively into your cheekbones.”
Robert: “I expect a blowjob later.”

Robert: “Wow. I never knew you wore glasses! I really feel a connection with you now.”
Robby: “Oh sweetheart, you’re just the most adorable piece of driftwood I ever met!”

Paul: “So… my ex killed himself, and now I’m just trying to move through the grieving process, and–“

Robert: “Enough small talk.”
Paul: “I didn’t realize suicide was small talk but…”

“NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM”

Dillon: “I ONCE HAD A HOUSEPLANT THAT DIED, AND THAT WAS KIND OF LIKE A SUICIDE SO KISS ME! KISS ME!!”

“You’re not wearing blue, you don’t wear glasses, and you never once mentioned Black Beauty. And now you want me to kiss you??”

“DILLON SHUT THE FUCK UP OVER THERE!! I KNOW YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT ME!! I KNOW IT!!!!”

Sam: “Listen, everyone just SHUT IT. Dillon’s talking about me, and I know it because he’s a stupid little CANARY. NOT A ROBIN. NOT A BLUE JAY. A MOTHERFUCKING CANARY!!!!”

“Oh God. Canaries!!!”

“Oh now look!! DILLON IS TELLING ROBERT ALL MY PASSWORDS!!!! AND NOW MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!!! AND THEY’RE USING MY AMAZON ACCOUNT!!! SOMEONE SPIT ON THAT CANARY!!!”

“Goodbye, Sam.”

Sam: “YOU DISGUST ME, DILLON! WHO DANGLES A TIE ON A LIGHT FIXTURE?? THAT IS A FIRE HAZARD!!”

“I feel bad for yelling at Dillon. Even though he hung his tie off the lighting fixture and imperiled us all, that’s no excuse for my behavior. That’s not me. I swear…”

“GO THROW YOURSELF DOWN A STAIRCASE, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKING FIRE-HAZARD-CAUSING CANARY!!!! [spit]”

“Not me at all!”

Justin: “BUT I DON’T WANT TO DANCE THE FOXTROT ANYMORE.”

“This is so terrible. NO hot person deserves to be yelled at!”

“I’ll just be sitting here for the next six hours.”

“Bad news, Robert. Sam left the show.”

“Sam? Who’s Sam?”

“You went on a date with him today.”

“I’m not familiar.”

“He looks sort of like Steve Carell.”

“Hmmm… which volleyball team was he on?”

“The Not Hot one.”

“Oh thank God.”

“Dillon, you’re aggressive, gossipy, and full of red flags. But you have abs. Will you wear my tie?”

“Wow. He said he loved me.”

“No, I just said I want you to wear my tie.”

“I can’t believe it’s happening. We’re getting married.”

“I literally never said that.”

“Dillon Sepulveda. I like the sound of that.”

“So you’re getting rid of me and keeping Dillon?”

“Well, you have a pimple, and I can’t connect with that.”

“EVERY CHOICE IN MY LIFE HAS BEEN A MISTAKE.”

What did you think about the episode?

This week on Finding Prince Charming, a line was drawn in the sand. Literally. During a listeless volleyball challenge in the name of romance, the hottest guys in the house gathered as a team, leaving everyone else in a basket of disposables sadly named “The Nice Guys.” Naturally, chaos ensued.

Most of the drama centered around Chad, who allegedly made a vulgar, scrotum-centric overture at Eric. It didn’t seem like a major ish at first, but then Eric happily reported the incident to Robert, who in turn questioned Chad, who in turn had a meltdown. Ultimately, the whole drama resulted in Chad butchering some canary metaphors and threatening to go home. It was highly fulfilling. Also of note: drunk Sam yelling at half the house like Kim Richards on game night.

Great work all around.

Chad: “I think it’s great that we’re friends. I can’t believe I ever thought you were evil!”
Eric: “Haha, please leave my couch.”

Chad: “Wait, we’re not cool? But we have matching manscapes.”

“Listen, in life there are two types of people. Those who wind up on a hot volleyball team, and those named Chad.”

“But I’m named Chad.”

“THINK ABOUT IT.”

“Before I pretend to fall over, please enjoy this pose.”

“Last night was really emotional. My pecs haven’t stopped crying.”

“Oh good, my delt is bigger today.”

“CHAD SUCKS. HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY HOT VOLLEYBALL.”

“Wow, thank you for being vulnerable about that. What did Chad do?”

“Let’s just say, it was unforgiveable!”

“He ate carbs, didn’t he?”

Robert: “Heyyyy, I heard that you ate a carb.”
Chad: “WHO TOLD YOU?”
Robert: “I just want to make sure you still care about working out.”
Chad: “Of course. Like, I would never even consider a cheat meal.”
“Okay, good. Because I really feel like we’ve been connecting. I mean, we both have the same towel, and that’s important to me.”

“I just want to say that some of these guys do not have your best interest in mind.”

“You know what’s funny? Last week, I dumped Charlie because he said the same thing to me. But you’re hot; so instead I’ll thank you.”

Lance: “Okay guys, separate yourselves into teams of Banana Republic and Old Navy.”

“We’ll just be hanging out over here while you slowly eliminate the other team over the next five weeks.”

“We’re Team Nice Guys. Because nice guys famously finish first, right?”

“So, hot men, who’s the most important person in your life?”

“That’s a great question, Robert. I would have to say the most important person in my life is you.”

“Wow. You’re so vulnerable. Thank you for sharing that with me.”

“No problem, my beautiful, dumb Prince.”

Eric: “Listen, here’s my real problem. You stuck your hands down your pants and tried to make out with me. That makes me SO uncomfortable!”
Chad: “And living in a glorified brothel with ten other dudes all trying to give a blowjob to the same guy is perfectly fine for you?”

“Who put this wine glass here??? I SAID WHO PUT THIS WINE GLASS HERE??? I’M ITALIAN!!!!”

“Oh gosh. The hot guys are all sitting next to each other. Gaaah-rossss.”

Robby: “You make it sound like we’re some clique of impossibly gorgeous men.”
Eric: “We’re just a group of exceedingly handsome human specimens who happen to only talk to each other and wear the exact same t-shirt.”

“Someday I’ll be in the hot guy clique.”

“No.”

“I think it’s time to talk about canaries. Who likes them? Who hates them? Let’s put it all out on the table.”

“EVERYONE SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. AND TALK CANARIES.”

“Someone sang like a canary, and it’s not cool.”

“IT. IS. NOT. COOL!!! REAL CANARY TALK!“

“Just be cool, canary. Maybe we can fool around later.”

“I WILL SOAK UP EVERY MOTHERFUCKING OUNCE OF HOT TUB WATER UNTIL ONE OF YOU CANARIES TELLS US WHO’S BEEN CANARYING!!”

“I CAN’T STOP YELLING!!!”

“I’m so upset with these canaries that I had to wear sleeves.”

Robert: “Wow, your arm smells like arm.”

Justin: “Look! There’s another side!”
Robert: “Whoa… has it always been there?”
“Yaaa!!!”

“Ten seconds into my date with Robert, and I’m already being forced into being shirtless. GREAT.”

Robert: “I brought you here to this pile of salt because I thought you might feel at home with an experience that was high in sodium.”
“Rude.”

Justin: “OMG on my date we made cologne and sniffed each other’s arms and then made out, and it was so hot. How was your date, Jasen?”

“We played with salt.”

“I’m confused, Mary.”

“it was great. It was like going back to the ocean except no water. Just… salt… lots and lots of… salt…. Sooooo… yeah….”

“Justin, will you keep wearing my tie?”

“Yes, as long as I don’t have to swap it out for the one you’re wearing.”

Robert: “But polka dots express charisma.”

“Whatever you say, Ken Doll.”

“My name is Robert.”

“Mmkay I’m gonna go back to the pack now.”

“Chad, will you step forward?”

“I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THE LOUD CANARY SINGING.”

“Please stop mangling the canary metaphor. And take your hands out of your pants.”

“My balls were itching. That’s all. I promise I wasn’t trying to cruise you… unless you’re into that?”

“I am.”

“THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN THE CANARIES CRY.”

“Salt guy, please step forward.”

“Jasen. My name is Jasen.”

“Do you remember your hashtag?”

“No, I blocked that mortifying exercise out of my memory.”

“It was #CHEMISTRY. And unfortunately, we don’t have any.”

“But what about the salt? You said you loved it.”

“Truth is that I don’t even know what salt is.”

“So you’re really going to get rid of me? Do you even know who I am? I’m Sonja Morgan’s makeup artist. I could introduce you two!!”

“Yeah, well, I know famous people too. Perhaps you’re familiar with Morganica Comptroller.”

“Who’s that?”

“Only the best circuit party performer of 2016. I guess you’re not familiar with her hit song, “Chinese Chicken Salad.”

“Okay, I’m giving back this tie now.”

“This tie ritual is SO OVERWROUGHT. WHY CAN’T I STOP SCREAMING INTO MY HANDDDSSSSSSS?????”

“I miss my custom suit.”

What did you think about this episode? Who are you rooting for?