Beyond Chocolate Archive

Our blog has moved. Come join us!

2014-12-01T16:39:00.000+00:00

You will find all the posts from here plus many more we have written since then.

New Website

2012-07-23T17:52:00.001+01:00

You may have noticed that things have been a bit quiet on the Beyond Chocolate blog in recent weeks. Most of our energy and attention has been going to creating our new website. We are so excited about it. We have wanted a new website for a couple of years now and finally we have one which will reflect what we do, will be easy to update and manage and which looks pretty (well, we think!).

We are launching it, all being well, fingers crossed and all that, at the end of this week and we'd love your comments and feedback. If there's anything you can't find or that doesn't make sense, or doesn't work, do drop us a line (there's a contact form on the website or you can email me at sophie[at]beyondchocolate.co.uk. There are bound to be some hiccups at the beginning and we'd love your help to get them ironed out asap.

This blog will also be on our new webiste. The webiste will have the same url as the current one www.beyondchocolate.co.uk and the blog will be part of the webiste - so this one will still be online for a while but all new posts will be on our new website.

The Chocolate Fairies are also off for a bit of sunshine and rest at the end of the month, we'll be flying off to Italy for a few weeks and we'll be positing and keeping in touch from there.

So, watch this space... we're nearly there. And thanks for your patience, normal blog posting will resume very soon!

Brave or foolish?

2012-07-23T17:44:00.001+01:00

Writing the Overeating Dialogues with Kirsty and Abbi has been such laughter filled, challenging and creative process and together, we've done it, we now have a fully formed, well rounded, rather lovely script. Well, they have written it and we've tried our hardest to squeeze in a song or a rap, or a little dance but sadly (and sensibly) we're sticking with dialogue!

Three generous, 'up for a laugh and a new experience' women have joined our little company and will be stepping up on stage on the 3rd November as actors. We would love a couple more women to join us.

Right now I feel scared and excited in equal measure. If I listen to my scornful, know it all of a gremlin I imagine making a fool of myself, looking like an amateur, getting it wrong, in public, in front of my friends, my family and Beyond Chocolaters. I tell myself that I am both crazy and arrogant to think we can pull it off with panache. I start to wish I'd never had the idea... Of course, my know it all gremlin would say that... Typical. Luckily I don't have to listen to that bollocks. I tell it to bog off and when I've shut it up, I remind myself that what I (and the others) am doing is brave and daring thing. That by speaking up and taking a risk, we may well empower countless others to do the same, I remind myself that I am willing to look a fool when it comes to my passions and my beliefs. I am prepared to go out on a limb, risk criticism and disdain and that there is no shame in getting it wrong, in being imperfect, nothing to be gained for protecting myself from failure. I am willing to take the risk and to have fun and enjoy myself in the process. It's a bit like engaging in an extreme sport. You wouldn't catch me dead bungee jumping but I imagine that the thrill and the fear I would feel would be something akin to what I'm experiencing now. We're taking a huge leap of faith and I am confident that it will be exhilarating.

Have I put you off yet? Oops! That wasn't supposed to be the point of this post at all...

Fancy joining us? Go on, you know you want to. This is our final call! It will be fun and challenging and such an achievement. I am still pinching myself to believe that we are really doing this. That we have taken an idea, a dream, a vision, and with the help and support of Abbi and Kirsty and the Beyond Chocolate community we are turning it into a reality.

There won't be pages and pages of lines to learn. The roles are all pretty much equal, no main parts and small ones and none of them are very onerous or difficult. There are even some roles with no lines at all. The commitment we'd need from you is to be available all day and evening on 3rd November for the performances and then on the following dates for rehearsals in London:

Tues 18, 25 Sept, 2, 9,16, 23 Oct, 7-10pm and all day on 27 Oct for tech and dress rehearsals 11am - 6pm

Some of the rehearsals will be in NW3 and some in W6 - we'll be arranging lifts to and from tube stations and proving dinner and cake :)

Get in touch with me as soon as possible if you'd like to take part or if you want to find out more. sophie[at]beyondchocolate.co.uk

Swimsuit Season

2012-07-06T13:19:00.000+01:00

It's swimsuit season again. Not that you'd guess if you step outdoors into the pouring rain! But for those of us off to sunnier climes at some point in the next couple of months, making sure we have light, cool, skimpyish clothes and swimwear we feel good in can be stressful and frustrating. Warning: I'm in the mood for a bit of a rant.

Why is it that if a woman needs a bikini top with a decent amount of support in a cup size larger than a C, we have to pay more for our swimwear and can't just pop into any old high street shop and pick up a bikini or one one piece for £19.99 like all the smaller busted women out there? I've been into every single shop and scoured the websites online and I am so annoyed to find that the only costumes that fit me a) cost far more than the non-cup size ones and b) seem to come in gross, ugly, flowery fabrics more suitable for my great grandmother c) don't provide good comfort - halter necks, when you have a big bust, are not great. My neck gets quite tired of holding my bosoms up all morning!

Have you ever tried to buy a bikini with a 32E top? The cheapest one I could find (apart from M&S where none of them appealed to me at all) was £64. £64!!!! From Bravissimo. That's crazy. And I didn't even like it, the colours and pattern were garish and far too bright. I loved a stripy one I saw in a high street shop for £20 but even the size 16 top (two tiny little triangles attached to a string no thicker than a shoe lace) barely covered me.

I have had this problem since I was 15 years old. I can still remember the horrible shopping trips to buy me swimwear with my mother, and sadly, infuriatingly, very little has changed.

Why is it that women with larger breasts are not catered for? I don't get it. Is there not a market out there for attractive swimsuits in large sizes? But then, I know it's the same for all clothes in larger sizes. There is so little choice, so little available. A few retailers include the larger sizes in their collections but walk into most high street shops or designer stores and you'll be lucky to find anything above a size 16.

Surely this is an untapped market? How is it that some clever entrepreneur hasn't cottoned on the fact that women of all sizes need to dress and like to dress well? Is it just that designers are all prejudiced or that there's no way to get investment or support to create attractive clothes and swimwear that fit all women, not just slim ones?

I am utterly fed up. I want to go and buy myself a pretty bikini which fits me well without having to spend a fortune. As it stands I have to make do; with colours I don't like and shapes that don't suit me - and all at a ridiculous price.

I would love to hear your experience of buying swimwear and if anyone has any great shops or websites where you can buy affordable and attractive ones in a 32E, do let me know.

The Beyond Chocolate Principles

2012-07-06T12:00:00.000+01:00

Audrey, Clare and I have been working tirelessly for the last couple of months, to create our brand new website, which will be launching at the end of this month. In the process we've been writing about Beyond Chocolate and Beyond Temptation. We’ve been creating pages called: What’s it all about, How does it work etc. Writing about that now has really made me think. It's been over 10 years now since we first started and sometimes, my life of dieting and stressing about my weight just seems light years away.

When I look at the list of Beyond Chocoate principles, I can barely remember a time in my life when they were not simply a part of me, a way of life, second nature. They just seem so obvious to me these days that it can be a challenge to remember what it's like not to tune-in, not to eat when I'm hungry and not to eat what I want. I do have a foggy recollection of pushing myself into punishing exercise routines (which I'd give up within days) and I can certainly remover all the diets and the soul destroying overeating, but it's amazing to realise that today I feel good about the way I eat and the way I look without much though or effort.

It has taken a huge amount of effort over the years though to get to this place. And it's not that I don't struggle at all, just that my struggles and challenges are different. Now that I have the basics under my belt without a second thought, my focus is on making sure that the food choices I make really contribute to my overall health and well being. I continue to explore different ways of moving my body, in ways that really work for me. I love walking and I walk regularly and I still haven't quite found a way of stretching or strengthening my muscles and stung supple that really works for me. I've tried various forms of yoga and pilates and nothing quite fits the bill. I'm still exploring. And, without the basic principles under my belt and years of practice and effort, I don't think I'd be in a position to think about what I want to eat and how I want to move without feeling deprived and diety and falling into the all or nothing trap.

I can't stress enough how valuable the principles have been and still are. While to begin with using them was contrived and deliberate, they really have just become a part of me now.

I feel so desperately sad when I look around me and see so many women still caught in the diet trap, still looking for the miracle that will make them thin, still hating their bodies, still blaming themselves for not being able to stick to the eating plan. I feel furious when I see the mixed messages in the media about body size. I am frustrate to the point of bursting when I read about the obesity crisis and there appears to be a complete lack of understanding or care about what it's really like to struggle with weight gain and overeating. The platitude and judgements about the 'problem' are insulting and so damaging and rainy aren't helping anyone.

I am so, so glad that there we have a growing team of Chocolate Fairies ready to offer women real solutions, hope and freedom from the tyranny of dieting. There's a one day workshop in London on September 22nd where Sarah, a very experienced Chocolate Fairy will take you through the principles one by one so you know exactly how to experiment and work with them and there are more workshops on their way around the country. There’s Gretel in Norwich (who many of you will know as she often writes wonderful posts for this blog), and Chocolate Fairy, Ella, in Lewis who will soon be running an 8 week Beyond Chocolate course and Sonia down the road in Brighton who will be running workshops all over East Sussex. There will be half day and one day workshops available in Birmingham, Leamington Spa, Warwick, Worcester and Solihull run by Trish and Suze, Wendy will be running workshops in the East Midlands (and in Devon and Cornwall, if there’s demand) and Joyce will be running more workshops in London too. They will all be on our new website very soon with more to come. So, if you want to experience the principles first hand, book yourself onto one of their workshops. If you look at the testimonials on our webiste, you'll see just how wonderful a day the workshop is.

Have you ever thought of becoming a Chocolate Fairy? Of being part of the solution? We still have a few spaces on the next Fairy Training. Do think about it, women all over the country need empowerment, freedom, hope and balance when it comes to their relationship with food and their bodies, and there aren't many places they can find those things. At Fairy HQ we'll keep working tirelessly to make sure they can.

More actors wanted!

2012-07-06T11:00:00.000+01:00

The script is almost complete, we have a theatre and a date - all we really need is more actors!

On November 3rd 2012 we'll be putting on a performance of the Overeating Dialogues. We want to talk about what it's really like. We want to the world to know that women who overeat are not lazy or greedy or stupid (any more than women who don't!). We want to debunk the myths and speak up, and our short play - written by two Beyond Chocoaters - based on our new book, Beyond Temptation is brave, bold, moving and funny.

We are looking for a few more women (thank you to those of you who have already said YES) who would love to get up on stage. There aren't pages and pages of lines to learn. You can take on a small part or a bigger role - none of them are very onerous or difficult. There can even be some roles with no lines at all. The commitment we'd need from you is to be available all day and evening on 3rd November for the two performances and then on the following dates for rehearsals in London:

Tues 18, 25 Sept, 2, 9, 16, 23, 30 Oct 7-10pm and Saturday 27 Oct 11am to 6pm

Some of the rehearsals will take place in W6 and some in Camden (dinner provided :)

And, if you can make it next Tuesday 17th July, we’re getting together in W6 at 7pm that would be great, but it’s not essential.

So far the our evenings with Kirsty and Abbi, creating this play, have been such a lot of fun, with lots of laughter and discussion and good food of course.

Please get in touch with me as soon as possible if you'd like to take part or if you want to find out more. You can email me sophie@beyondchocolate.co.uk or call me on 07904125997

Beyond Chocolate on Kindle

2012-06-28T08:01:00.002+01:00

We are delighted to announce that Beyond Chocolate is now available on Kindle. Yay!! You can pre-order it from today and it will be on sale from 12th July 2012.

I swore blind that I wouldn't ever have a Kindle. I love books. Real books. Paper and ink and colourful book covers. I love the smell of a real book, the feel of it, I love everything about real, live books.

It was my birthday last week and my gift, from my husband, was a Kindle. I asked for it, tentatively, preparing to hate it. Well, not so. I LOVE it. More than that, right now I am in love with it. We went on holiday for a week and it was amazing to be able to take several books with me, and they all fitted into my handbag. Usually I spend ages deliberating which ones to take. This time I could take them all. I love the feel of it. I love how light it is. I love how easy it is to hold, how I can prop it up against the side of my bedside table to read at night - hands free. I love the Gelaskins cover that makes it look beautiful and means I don't pick up my son's by mistake. It really is wonderful. And honestly, I'm not on comission!

Beyond Temptation will be available on Kindle too, as soon as it's released on 6th September.

I am offically no longer a Luddite.

Willpower, is that what we need to stop overeating?

2012-06-24T20:37:00.000+01:00

Willpower - I just looked it up in my online dictionary and here’s what it says “Control deliberately exerted to do something or to restrain one's own impulses : a stupendous effort of will.”
What’s wrong with that? Why would it not be helpful to deliberately make an effort to restrain an impulse that we have decided is ultimately not good for us? Sounds like exactly what we need by the bucket load if we want to stop overeating. Well, I think not and I think the reason lies with the word stupendous. More on that in a moment.
Have you ever heard the expression “she has an iron will”? What image does that metaphor conjure up in your mind? If I imagine I can see before me a woman with an iron will, I see someone strong, braced, rigid, eyes fixed, jaw set, muscles tense and tight, her breathing is shallow, almost imperceptible. She may even have her fists clenched. She’s making herself impenetrable, immovable, so solid nothing will push her off course, she's ready for a fight if necessary…. Are you willing to humour me for a moment? Stand up and try that posture. Imagine yourself summoning all the will you have while you stand in that posture. I imagine that if you really put stupendous effort into it you’d resist just about anything right now. If you stayed as focused as this, if you maintained this stance, your will truly would be as iron, able to withstand almost anything it comes up against. Powerful. Strong. ‘NO’ is on the tip of your tongue. Nothing will topple you.
How do you feel? What are you aware of in your body? What are you thinking? How much effort does it take to stay this strong and focused? How long do you think you could sustain this posture? Could you stay like this all day? All week? All your life? So, isn’t this ability to summon our will and create a body that knows how to say no, stay solid and unmovable, resist... a good thing? Isn't learning how to use our willpower the answer. Then we could summon the power of our will whenever we needed it and, with stupendous effort, to say NO to overeating?

The way I see it is this. Making a stupendous effort, which doesn’t always feel like it’s all that hard at first, is ultimately unsustainable. I’ve been reading a fascinating book about habits. I was very interested to read that scientists have discovered that willpower is not infinite. We don't have a never ending source of willpower. Even in the course of one day the more willpower we exert, the harder it becomes to keep drawing on it and by the end of the day we are very likely to have run out. And I was surprised at just how many things in a day we draw on our willpower to manage. Just how many things in my day I do, even though I don't really want to; getting up early with my alarm (and resisting the desire to turn over and go back to sleep), making packed lunches for the kids (honestly, I'd really rather not, it would be so much easier to pay for school dinners) cleaning the loo (resisting the urge to turn a blind eye to the grime), supermarket shopping (hate it), sitting in traffic jams (holding back the desire to scream at every red traffic light), taking the rubbish out (resisting the whisper to just walk past and ignore it), balancing my accounts (resisting the urge to distract myself with yet another cup of tea), clearing my inbox of junk mail (rather than giving in to the desire to shut my laptop and do something far more interesting) taking myself to the dentist (when every bone in my body wants to stay away). I could go on and on. These are all necessary tasks which I am responsible for and which I choose to do. And, they require me to draw on the power of my will to say yes to, over and over again, even when I sometimes want to say no. The things which might be easy enough to do or resist at the beginning of the day and the tasks that require our focus and attention, become far, far harder by the end of the day. We draw on the power of our will many times in the day to do things we don’t want to do or to resist the things we are drawn to and temped by… not just overeating. We may not realise it as they are small, seemingly insignificant things sometimes and each one in itself may not require stupendous effort. Just a bit of effort. And it all adds up. So is it any surprise that by the time we get home after work, or the children are finally tucked up in bed, we simply do not have the energy it takes to stay in that effortful posture? Is it really any surprise that, particularly at the end of the day, the willpower to say no to chocolate or cake or pasta or whatever has quite simply run out? Is it really that surprising that we draw on every ounce of willpower to do what we have to do for others, to be there, show up, perform, and that there's little of that left when it comes to taking care of ourselves and saying no to overeating, whatever the time of day? Who are we letting down but ourselves when we give ourselves a moment of respite from working so hard? Add to that the very fact that eating something nice feels like the one thing we are actually giving ourselves, a treat, a break and is it any wonder that we just don't have the energy to summon more willpower to resist? Resistance is futile. Even if we try, we are almost guaranteed to give in, it's just a matter of time.
The way to stop overeating is not to use willpower. If we truly want to stop overeating, the way to do it is this: decide that we want to stop. That's the single most important step; to make that decision and set our intention. Then, make sure we have support in place, whatever works for us. It could be a person or people to talk to, books to read, a forum to post on... Then, find out as much as we can about the behaviour we want to change, becoming curious about why, when and how we overeat, so that we understand the triggers, cues and motivations and we can see what we get out of the behaviour and how it helps us cope. Then, we can plan to change those overeating behaviours one small step at a time, and each time be willing to tune in and stay present to whatever we are experiencing in the moment rather than ignoring ourselves and using willpower. Stopping involves taking ourselves gently by the hand and saying no to eating, not with superhuman, stupendous effort but by learning to acknowledge and experience how we are feeling, what we are thinking and recognising our body talk. Being able to stop overeating means learning how to soothe away the discomfort, the pain, the agitation... Stopping involves identifying what we are truly hungry for and allowing ourselves to have that. Or acknowledging what it's like when we can't or don't know how to let ourselves have what we truly want. Changing our overeating behaviours and habits does indeed require effort and commitment but if it feels like you have to make stupendous effort, your are pushing too hard and you are likely to run out of steam and sabotage your efforts. If you have to draw on willpower you are fighting a losing battle. You'll only manage it for so long and eventually, a few minutes, days or weeks later you'll relent and give in. It, is quite simply inevitable. Scientifically proven even.
Willpower: wonderful, useful, empowering, effective, in short bursts. I am very, very grateful for the power of my will. But not for stopping overeating. Gentleness, commitment, willingness, openness, presence, curiosity, sustained effort (the kind that involves stretching not tearing), these are the qualities to draw on if we want to stop overeating. It's very different from using willpower, which involves ignoring ourselves and our needs, shutting ourselves off from feeling. Rigidifying and fighting. Tuning-in is the opposite; it means paying attention to ourselves, acknowledging, feeling, softening, co-operating with ourselves. We can all do it, every one of us. The more we practice tuning-in, the easier it is to stop overeating. (A lot more on this in our new book - Beyond Temptation, out on Sept 6th 2012) My verdict; willpower, not helpful.

Does stocking up really work?

2012-05-31T09:23:00.000+01:00

Why is it that when we want to treat ourselves or binge or find solace in food it's always the same old friends we turn to? Chocolate, biscuits, crisps, ice cream, cheese, pastry, bread and butter, peanuts, pizza... Our lists of forbidden, naughty, fattening, unhealthy foods are endless. We see it every time we run a workshop. We believe that in large part the irresistability of these foods is fuelled by deprivation. The more we tell ourselves that we can't or shouldn't have them, that we have to cut them out of our diet, whatever the reason (whether it's because we think they are fattening or unhealthy or addictive or too expensive...) the more we want them. And even when we can go weeks or even months without them, the moment they are around again, we just can't resist and we find ourselves polishing them off in those overheating moments. So, does stocking up on them undo the years, often decades, of deprivation and all or nothing thinking about these foods? And if so, exactly how does that work? And what about the notion that it's the sugar or the carbs in these foods that keeps us hooked, not the deprivation? What about the idea that they are addictive? These are the questions I'll explore in this post (and that we've written more fully about in our new book Beyond Temptation).

Starting with the last question first; do I believe that sugar is addictive and harmful? I wish I could answer that question with a simple yes or no. I can't. I've been doing lots of research, reading, exploring and experimenting (on myself) on this subject and so far my results and conclusions are inconclusive. But here is what I can say. Let's say that in the spirit of being my own Guru I decide, after all my explorations and experiments, that I do indeed find it impossible to eat sugar in moderation, what would that mean and what would I do? I could choose to treat it as a harmful substance, a drug, and cut it out of my diet completely. Would I also choose to cut out refined flour products and fruit sugar? Mmmm... More research and experimentation necessary. And let's say I decide that all these are harmful and addictive, I could decide to stop eating them, completely. The question is not weather this is right or wrong - it may be right for some and not for others, it may be true for some and not for others. The question for me is can I make this a choice and one that I can stand by and feel comfortable with? One that I can sustain and find ways of managing when I slip up? Sucrose, fructose, carbs, they are everywhere. If I choose to cut them out of my diet, it may well help considerably, if I really believe in what I'm doing, not just dabbling in another fad because I think it might help me lose weight. It's one thing to cut these foods out because I genuinely believe they are bad for my health and well being (including perhaps my weight) and quite another to cut them out in the hope that this strategy with help me get into my bikini this summer or will be the answer to my life-long weight problem.
The key here, I believe, is to be my own Guru. To take the time and give these questions the serious consideration and exploration they deserve. Then I can make a choice based on my own experience and beliefs. Otherwise I know I'll just be jumping on the next bandwagon that comes tearing around the corner when I struggle to say not to an ice-cream this summer. I'll be convincing myself that it's not sugar I need to avoid it's fat or artificial additives or bread or whatever. Don't stop eating sugar because someone tells you it's addictive or because you read it in a book! Read 100 books if necessary, do as much research as you can but most importantly experiment, on yourself. That may well take time, months, even years, and the answer will be one you trust. Indisputable. If you find that cutting sugar or carbs or whatever out of your diet really helps, does whatever it is you want it to do, and you are willing and able to sustain it, why would you not? If you really do find that cutting out these foods puts a stop to your overeating 100%, then you will have solved the problem and that's fantastic. But what if that's not how it goes. The way I see it is this. Let's say I do discover that my desire for my forbidden foods is fuelled by their chemical composition and I decide to cut them out, will that be the solution? Problem solved once and for all? In my experience that's not always how it goes. Wanting to cut them out is one thing, being able to (sustainably) is another. And partly, for me, that's because of the emotional tie I have to these foods and what they represent, along with the fact that they are everywhere and are not universally recognised as a drug (unlike alcohol for example). The fact that eating chocolate is part of how I say "fuck this" to the world when everything gets too much, the way crunching crisps helps me manage my anger and frustration, the fact that time alone doesn't feel the same without a latte and a pastry or the cinema is just not the cinema without a bowl of popcorn are an important part of the picture. The way these foods a universally regarded are treats, fit for special occasions, that we are urged, encouraged and cajoled to 'just have one, just a little bit' means that resistance is pretty much futile. Would anyone goad an alcoholic to "just have little drink, one won't hurt surely?" Even if I know that these foods are not good for me (whatever that might mean for me) that is not always enough to stop me. My willpower, my commitment to taking care of myself, my determination to look after my body are simply not enough and in those moments I crumble and give in! However fervently I believe that cutting out any particular food group is the answer, doing it is another matter entirely. And how we do it, how we approach changing the way we eat and the foods we choose is what makes all the difference. That's where stocking up and learning to manage my overeating come in. Because I am not a machine, I am not made of iron and much as I'd love to, saying that I am cutting a food out of my diet is just never enough to make it work for the long term. Stocking up, really giving myself the message that I am allowed to eat whatever I want, is the only way to give myself back the power to CHOOSE. Only when I am allowed to say YES do I also have the freedom to say NO. No without feeling deprived and hard done by. A no that I mean and feel comfortable with. And the thing about stocking up is that it takes time. A long time in most cases. Years, not even months. I used to find chocolate, bread and butter, all my forbidden foods irresistible. Today they sit in my cupboards and I hardly notice them. And when I do, I know it has nothing to do with the foods and everything to do with my desire to overeat. To eat anything as long as I have something to shove in my mouth and stop myself from being present. Stocking up takes commitment and patience and courage. You don't have to stock up on tons of the food in your home if that's too scary, you can just remind yourself every time you want chocolate or crisps or whatever that it's your choice. You can allow the yes as well as the no. And for a while you may eat and eat and eat them more than you feel comfortable with. Often we feel that we fail at stocking up because we end up eating it all. That's how it goes. That's part of how it works We eat it all once and then again and again. Keep going and keep working on your desire to overeat at the same time and the day will come when you know that the irresistability of the biscuit tin has less to do with the biscuits than with the urge to eat. Because if we don't deal with our overeating and we just cut out the so called offenders, we are very likely to find ourselves overeating whatever we are allowed to eat or turning to other behaviors to zone out, treat ourselves, comfort, soothe etc.

Ultimately I wonder if the thing that really keeps us stuck is the desire to find a solution. Our desperate need for an answer. If only we knew what to do, what would work, then we could do it and everything would be ok. What I am discovering is that the more I do this work the more I realise that there are no answers or definitive solutions, that managing my desire to overeat means being willing to accept the reality that there are no solutions or answers. As the years go by I am increasingly willing to accept that I will always know far less than I don't know. The more years I spend researching and exploring, the fewer answers I have. And that leaves me with the only thing I can work with: me. Myself. And that's what all the addictions and compulsions are about for me, keeping myself from really paying attention to and responding to myself. Because most of the time I'd rather distract myself from the discomfort of being me.

So whether we choose to stock up or cut out, the key is to do it with compassion, curiosity and gentleness knowing that nothing will be fixed or sorted, knowing that every choice, whatever it is, takes commitment and effort and willingness to pay attention to me. Day after day. One tiny step at a time. And with support.

What would you do if you had 30 days to live?

2012-05-24T11:35:00.000+01:00

There are a lot of self-help books out there at moment. I may be a bit behind the times, but this one came to my attention recently; 'One Month to Live: Thirty Days to a No-regrets Life'. I noticed it in the editorial comment of one of the big women's magazines as I was sitting in the Dentist's waiting room. The staff on the magazine were asked by the editor what they would do if they only had a month left. This what some of the women said; “Stop worrying about my weight and get on a plane to the nearest beach.” “I'd fly all my family and friends to Ibiza and get married. Sod the diet and the stress.” “Stop worrying about the way I look, what I eat, how much I weigh ...” I found that rather shocking. All these successful and beautiful women were putting their precious lives on hold until they had lost weight! Most sad was the woman who was delaying her wedding, putting herself under huge stress to lose weight before she felt she could get married. Having only a month left concentrated their minds on what was truly important and every one of them realised that their weight/shape/size wasn't all that important. I hope that these women learned something from their responses to the question they were asked and that they will now take their lives off hold and do the things they want to do instead. So the question to you is, what would you do if you had a month left? Would the size of your hips suddenly seem unimportant? Why not start today as if you only had a month left and start doing the things you've been putting on hold?

Gretel Hallet, is a Trained Chocolate Fairy and is running the Getting Started half day workshop in Norwich - perfect for beginners to experience the core principles of Beyond Chocolate and equally great as a refresher for any Beyond Chocolater. If you live in East Anglia and want to know more about Beyond Chocolate or her workshops, get in touch with Gretel.

Are we all emotional eaters?

2012-05-24T11:29:00.001+01:00

I often used to eat when I was bored. What I used to find uncomfortable, no, make that intolerable, about being bored were the feelings of frustration and low level anxiety that accompanied the boredom, when I didn't fill every single moment of my day with something (anything) to do. The more I listened to the quiet whispers of my mind, when I did have a lull in activity, the quiet little voice that said "you should be doing something, you are nothing if you are doing nothing, who are you anyway? You're not good enough, you should do more not less, prove yourself, get it right, be beyond reproach, make sure you are approved of and admired, keep going, come on, don't stop, it's not enough, you're not enough ...." the more anxious and frustrated I felt. And eating, as always, distracted me from those feelings and those thoughts.

My overeating had a very clear pattern. I'd head straight for the fridge when I arrived home after work (in my pre-chidlren days) and stand there are the fridge thinking "What can I have?" I used to overeat in the evenings after dinner, once everything I needed to do was done and I could finally sit down. I used to overeat at night, in bed, before I went to sleep. I used to overeat whenever I was alone. No rhyme or reason, just me alone meant I would overeat. It was like a mathematical formula. Sophie + alone = overheating (s+a=o) I always had a croissant or Danish with my coffee, a few biscuits or some chocolate with my tea. I always had another helping of pasta or seconds of pudding. I would always eat the whole sandwich, both halves, finish every crisp in the pack, every square in the bar of chocolate. I didn't really question these habits, so were they were just that, just habits? Not emotional eating or comfort eating, just habits?

Well, that may be one way to look at it. Today I see it a little differently. They may well have become habits (dictionary definition - regular or settled tendency or practice, especially one that it hard to give up) and, the way I think of it today, any behaviour that becomes a habit is a behaviour that, originally, I created for a reason. It had a purpose once, even if as time goes by I stop associating that behaviour with its original purpose and it just feels like a habit. So, while it may not be directly driven by feelings or emotions they played a part in me creating the habit in the first place. The fact that I habitually took food to bed with me, to eat and read before I feel asleep, may not have be directly triggered by any feelings of anxiety that I was aware of at the time, and at some stage when first I chose to take food to bed the food had a function, it did a job.

Here's the thing about habits. Even if we don't identify any feelings associated with them, NOT doing what we've always done WILL engender a feeling. Not taking food to bed when it has always been my habit to do so will leave me feeling something... In my experience that was fear! Not finishing every square in the bar of chocolate will leave me feeling... longing, wanting, sad. Not hugely, heart-wrenchingly sad, just a little sad. Even though I know I can have chocolate whenever I like, I will have an emotional response of some sort when I choose to stop when my impulse, my habit, is to finish it off. If I tell myself it's just a habit that I have to break and simply stop doing it, or doing something else instead or talking myself out of the need for the habit without recognising how I feel, ignoring the fear or anxiety or sadness (however mild or slight), numbing myself to my emotions, I know, for myself, from my experience, that I will turn to other behaviours and create new habits to deal with the situations, emotions and thoughts that my eating originally helped me to manage. Because even when I don’t acknowledge the feelings or recognise them, they are there and I cannot hold on to them indefinitely without some kind of outlet or some way to numb them. If I am not willing to see that my eating in bed provided a comfort, a moment of numbness, a buffer between me and sleep, the dreaded nothingness of the night, that scary moment when I really let myself do nothing at all, if I ignore all that and just stop eating, summoning willpower and resolve, that anxiety will come out somewhere else. Of that I have no doubt. If, on the other hand, I am willing to recognise that I am an emotional being, I feel, all the time, and if I am willing to acknowledge how the food helps in that moment and allow myself to be with that fear or the anxiety or whatever the feeling, to work with it, just for a minute, I will be dealing with the real issue. Not the food or the eating, but the fear itself, the fear which drives my eating and my habits. And if I can make friends with that fear, if I can trust myself to be with it and know that it will not swallow me up, that it will not destroy me, then I no longer need the habit of eating to numb myself. Choosing not to overeat may even feel liberating, joyful, exciting and empowering and, a Brene Brown so rightly says, we cannot numb our emotions selectively. When we numb anger, sadness and fear we numb our capacity to truly feel joy and happiness.

A habit is just another word for a behaviour driven by thoughts or feelings which we don't know how to stop doing and don't always understand the reasons for. In my experience getting to the root of the habit, working out what it does (or did) for us and dealing with THAT is the key. Recognising that even those moments when we eat and cannot for the life of us work out what is behind it, will leave us feeling something when we STOP doing it. Which means that all our eating, in some way or other, is emotional. We may not always be aware of it but we are always, always feeling something. We are, I believe, all emotional eaters because we are all emotional women and in everything we do and experience, our thoughts, our emotions and our physical bodies are involved. All the time! And I think that is something to celebrate not shy away from. I am proud to call myself emotional and grateful to have recognised and worked with my emotional eating habits.

STOP PRESS!

2012-05-18T19:24:00.004+01:00

On Tuesday 19th June, starting at 7pm Gretel Hallett one of the Beyond Chocolate Fairies, will be giving a brief introductory talk about Beyond Chocolate at the River Green Cafe, Trowse, just outside Norwich, NR14 8AH.

The talk will be followed by a 2 course vegetarian meal and the total cost will be £12.90 (drinks extra).

Check out the River Green Cafe's website on: http://www.rivergreencafe.co.uk/ and follow the 'Special Evenings' link.

Booking in advance on info@rivergreencafe.co.uk or 01603 622448 highly recommended as places are limited.

See you there!!

Is Beyond Chocolate Intuitive Eating?

2012-05-17T13:14:00.001+01:00

It can be convenient and tempting to define and categorise Beyond Chocolate as intuitive eating and, in reality, I have often struggled with the term itself and with the idea of labelling what we do as intuitive eating. I think the term is too simplistic and doesn't acknowledge the complexities and complications that many of us experience with our relationship with food. The idea that the answer is to rely on our intuition (whatever that means you to) and that we need to respond to our intuitive desire to eat and stop eating and all will be well, seems far to simplistic to me.

I have no beef or problem at all with the Intuitive Eating movement, it's just that it's not for me and it's not Beyond Chocolate. Yes, Beyond Chocolate is about listening to our bodies AND it is also about noticing how our minds sabotage our bodies' signals and cues, how years of dieting muddles our intuition to such a huge degree that recognising and responding to our hunger is far, far more complex that it sounds. Eat when you are hungry - at first glance this could be interpreted as intuitive eating and yet, truly exploring this principle means that it is so much more than that. How do you know when you are hungry? Really, how do you know? If you simply rely on your body's physical signals, you may confuse anxiety for hunger, you might confuse thirst for hunger, you might think you are hungry all the time... or very little, then what? If you don't pay attention to your thoughts, you might find that you tell yourself you are hungry when in fact, what you are responding to and confusing for hunger are age old habits and beliefs about when you should eat and when you shouldn't. Sometimes the sensations and thoughts that accompany anxiety or tiredness can get muddled and we interpret them as hunger... It's not as straightforward as the concept of intuitive eating would suggest. Tuning-in and really getting to know what drives your eating is something that takes time and curiosity and a lot of practice. How come some days I feel hungry and some days I don't? How does the kind of food I eat impact how hungry I feel? How do I untangle my beliefs and my emotions from my eating? Not just from what we think of as overeating but from the every day, ordinary eating we do to keep ourselves alive. My intuition is a fickle and subtle creature and I have had to do one hell of a lot of tuning-in to answer all those questions. For example, for a long time I thought I was hungry when I felt that familiar pulling sensation in my belly and then, when I observed more closely, I realised that I live with a low level of anxiety which sometimes feels more intense and can feel a lot like my hunger. It's very helpful to recognise the difference. Thinking that we have to eat intuitively is also a royal pain in the ****! If I can only eat when I'm hungry then quite frankly my life is unmanageable. If I live by that concept as a rule, a rigid ideal, the perfect solution, then when do I get to eat cake? And what happens if my job or my daily activities mean that following my unpredictable stomach hunger makes meals impossible to plan or predict?

Beyond Chocolate is not about complicating things and making our lives revolve around food. It's fine to plan. It's fine to choose to eat breakfast before I leave the house, hungry or not, because it fits into my day. It's fine to have a piece of cake with my tea just because it tastes gorgeous. That is not intuitive eating. That's being my own guru. That is taking all the Beyond Chocolate principles and fitting them into my life rather than fitting myself into any kind of system or programme. Even one that calls itself intuitive eating.

Above all else Beyond Chocolate is about tuning-in and being your own Guru. The more you tune-in, the more you find out about yourself and your eating, the more choice you have and making those choices is how we step into being our own Guru. Yes, we can always go back to a programme or a diet or a system that suggests we eat at certain times or that we cut out certain foods or that we listen to our bodies and respond to our intuitive needs (whatever the plausible reasons for these suggestions) and at the end of the day we will be squeezing ourselves into someone else's idea of what works. The challenge of Beyond Chocolate is to find out what works for you, not what system works but what feels good and manageable and ticks all the boxes you want to tick.

When we can put weight loss on hold for long enough to tune-in and really discover what our eating is all about and to experiment with different ways of meeting all our needs, for food and for nourishment of all kinds, then we can truly taste the freedom of a way of eating which works on every level. And that's the key: TO PUT WEIGHT LOSS ON HOLD. It's not what many of us want to hear and the truth of it stares me in the face every single day. The more we focus on weight loss, the more we go round in circles. Losing it, yes, and then putting it back on, endlessly. If you are here, reading about Beyond Chocolate, then the diets have failed you at least once. Focusing on weight loss is 100% guaranteed to see you yo-yoing for ever. After 12 years of working with women on their relationship with food and 14 years of working on my own, it's the one thing I can state with absolute certainty and confidence. It can take years to really become our own Gurus, god knows I'm still walking that path... and it is the most satisfying, empowering, enjoyable, moving and liberating path I have ever walked. Weight loss will come, if that's what we want. It's just the the way there doesn't look like we thought it would and it takes far, far longer than most of us would like and far longer than the diets promise.

Beyond Chocolate and Intuitive Eating are not, never were and never will be the same thing. Putting the two in bed together muddles and confuses things. Beyond Chocolate is nothing other than the clever marketing name of our company and the philosophy at the heart of our organisation is YOU. You, unique, intelligent, knowledgeable, curious, powerful and free. YOU and whatever matters to you. And because as humans we achieve things so much more quickly and easily with support, that's what Beyond Chocolate is here to provide and enable. So, I invite you to tune-in, be curious, to ask far more questions than you think you need to, to question anything that you think of as your intuition and find out it more about it and to be open to the unexpected, the uncomfortable and the unfamiliar... Prepare to turn your intuition on its head and discover what really makes you tick, and eat!

Actors wanted!

2012-05-11T12:11:00.001+01:00

On 3rd November 2012 we will be putting on a performance at the Canal Cafe Theatre in London, to celebrate the launch of our new book; Beyond Temptation. Everyone talks about weight loss, about dieting, about feeling fat and being fat. We want to talk about the eating, the overeating, we want to talk about what it's really like and that's what this show is all about. It's about giving a voice to the shame, the guilt, the judgements, the prejudice and the pain experienced by women who overeat. It's about telling the truth about the struggle to have a healthy, balanced, normal relationship with food. It's about waking people up to the reality that women who overeat are the norm, they are the majority and they are neither stupid or greedy nor lazy. It's about showing that not only overweight women overeat. So, so many of the women who look fine and acceptable by our current social standards are just as likely to struggle with food as those who are judged to be too big. Its about giving those women (you, me and everyone for whom this resonates) a voice, rather than continuing to peddle the fantasies we read about in the media, day in, day out. It's about dispelling the myth that all we need to do is get a grip and use a bit of sodding willpower, lose weight and everything will be ok.

We are looking for women who would like to join us, get up on stage and take part. You don't have to be a professional actor, if you have some experience of acting in any capacity, if you feel comfortable up on stage, if you truly enjoy performing, you are the woman we are looking for. There will be lines to learn but not endless pages or long scripts to memorise. There's a place for those who want to play a small part with just one or two lines or for those who are more gung-ho and want to take on more. It will most likely be challenging, scary, exciting and most importantly lots and lots of FUN!

We'll be giving two performances on Saturday 3rd November (tickets on sale soon), a matinee at 3pm and then an evening performance at 7.30pm. The theatre sits 60 people and there will be Beyond Chocolaters, journalists, family and friends in the audience. You'll need to be available, in London, for regular weekly rehearsals with Sophie, Audrey, Kirsty and Abby in September and October on the following dates:

Tues 18, 25 Sept, 2, 9, 16, 23, 30 Oct 7-10pm
Saturday 27 Oct 11am to 6pm

And of course on the day of the show - 3rd November, you'll need to be available from 10am until the end of the shows.

We have not yet finalised a location for the rehearsals but they will be in London, either central or north (probably in the Camden area).

If you'd like to be a part of this exciting production, please drop a line as soon as possible to sophie@beyondchocolate.co.uk or give us a call anytime on 07904125997

Observe with gentle curiosity

2012-05-11T10:11:00.001+01:00

Let’s suppose that, as part of your job or for a training course, you have to observe someone. This person is a stranger to you, just someone who has agreed to be observed. Your brief is to watch this person without making them feel uncomfortable or that they have to change anything that they are doing. You are to note what they do, when they do it, and how. Your task is to gather as much information about this person as possible, without judging what they are doing or coming to any conclusions about what sort of a person this is. Not easy, but with practice and persistence, you become better at putting your own subjective judgements to one side and you are able to observe this person with gentle curiosity. "Oh, so that’s how they do that, and that’s when they do this, and that’s what they do." The information you gather will eventually enable you to have a good understanding of how that person functions; what seems to lead to certain behaviours, how they cope with situations that crop up in their life and when certain things happen or don’t for them. If the task allowed, you would now be in a very good position to discuss your findings with this person and offer them help and advice, should they want it. Even if the task doesn’t allow that, you will have come a lot closer to this one person and you will have done so with gentle curiosity, not the jack-booted, finger-wagging approach that would have caused that person to shut down with panic or stubbornness.

If we can do this for a total stranger, could we do this with ourselves as the test subject? Could we spend time observing ourselves with gentle curiosity, without judgement, without asking ourselves to change anything – just finding out what we do, when we do it and how?

We have agreed to this scrutiny because we know it’s not going to be punitive; it’s going to help. If we have little to no information about our habits, our reactions and our thoughts and feelings, we can’t do anything to modify them if we want to. Observing with gentle curiosity (otherwise known as tuning-in) will help us to trust the process; we are not looking at ourselves in order to beat ourselves up, to criticize, to find fault, to nag ourselves into changing or into stopping behaviours and habits that we no longer wish to continue with. Instead, we are tuning-in and gathering information in a non-judgemental way in order to come to a gentle conclusion that this behaviour may have helped us in the past, we can acknowledge that and even thank ourselves for looking after ourselves in the best way we knew how at that time – and things are different now and we want to move on and leave that behaviour behind.

At one time, diving into a family pack of crisps or a box of chocolate was a good way of coping with 'the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune' (as Shakespeare put it so eloquently), and in our gently curious observation of ourselves, we have seen ourselves do just that; cope. And now we can choose that not to do that anymore if we want to and feel ready, we can cope without medicating ourselves with food. Of course, there may well be times when nothing but a family pack of chocolate fingers will do and our gentle self-observation will note those times and let them go without any recrimination. Sometimes a woman just has to do what a woman has to do! The rest of the time tuning-in, gentle observation, is helping us move away from self-destructive eating habits because we now know what they are – if we don’t know, we can’t change, even if we really want to.

Gretel Hallet, is a Trained Chocolate Fairy and is running the Getting Started half day workshop in Norwich - perfect for beginners to experience the core principles of Beyond Chocolate and equally great as a refresher for any Beyond Chocolater. If you live in East Anglia and want to know more about Beyond Chocolate or her workshops, get in touch with Gretel.

A woman of a certain age

2012-05-02T13:29:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow I will be celebrating my 41st birthday. This is it, I am formally stepping into my fifth decade. Soon, I will be a women of a certain age. I've been surprised by just how much my body has aged over the last year. It's as if when I hit forty - bam! - some kind of internal ageing device went off and precipitated more changes in a year that I've witnessed over the past decade.

In the last 12 months I've seen the bags under my eyes become permanent, rather than something that happens on mornings after a bit of a night out. The vertical crease between my eyebrows that has always been there to punctuate confusion and sometimes irritation is now a deep furrow which is there all the time, regardless of how I'm feeling. I look a bit lost and permanently pissed off . Great. Moving down, and this has got to be the worse, I've got a hair - a single, long, witch-like hair - growing out of what was once a pretty little freckle on the curve of my jaw - now a mole. Perfect, a mole. With a hair growing out of it. My breasts, which have never exactly been pert are now properly sad and I have taken to wearing sports bras at all times to contain things. My belly, which has always been firmly rotund is now much less firm. And much more rotund. My bottom and the top of my thighs seem to be harbouring a growing colony of cellulitis and the skin on my legs is dragging downwards and forming soft little folds above my knees. Not the smooth, sleek legs of yore then. Even my feet, one of my best features, have started to sprout new bulges in unlikely places.

Does any of this bother me? Sometimes, yes. Mostly, no.

What really bothers me about getting older isn't the march south that my various bits are going on, or the wrinkles, or the way my body is filling out. It's the way women of a certain age are ostracised in our society. In a era when girls are sexualised and encouraged to become 'women' at an ever increasingly young age, older women are warned adamantly that ageing is to be avoided at all costs, that we need to apply miracle lotions and potions to keep our skin smooth, taut and blemish free. It has become completely normal to inject oneself with fillers, acids and silicone in a vain attempt to recapture that bouncy plumpness of youthful lips, cheeks, breasts, bottoms and thighs. In a relentless effort to fend off time, they submit their bodies to harsh exercise regimes, unsustainable diets and dangerous surgery all in the pursuit of youth. The beauty of youth has a function. A quite basic function. It is there to attract the attention of males. A young, fertile woman is primed to reproduce and like a beautiful flower she will bloom - dainty, colourful and with dewy lips ready to snatch a kiss from a passing buzzing bee. That is not what a woman of a certain age is about. Older woman are not in the insemination game. They are not in the realm of flowers, they are lionesses. Older women are there to protect their cubs, to keep the pride in order and to show the younger females how it's done.

And yet rather than being celebrated for their power and wisdom, the older women get, the more they are admired and praised for looking young, as if it were shameful to look one's age. It's a bit like weight. There is a sense that ageing naturally and looking your age is something that you've done to yourself. You've let yourself go and just haven't made the effort. The underlying assumption in both cases is that all women over a certain age (or over a certain weight) should want to look younger (or thinner) and sadly, many do.

By focusing solely on the physical we forget to look at what else a woman of a certain age is about. We forget about the perks that come with time. The fact that a 40 year old has lived twice as long as a 20 year old implies twice the amount of life experience. Rather than settling back comfortably into middle age to look over our tribe, we fritter away our best years trying desperately to turn back the clock. While we waste time trying to keep ourselves small by dieting and young by fighting the natural ageing process, men continue to rule the world. Men will continue to rule the world until women decide to look and act their age and show a bit of muscle. Flowers don't have muscles, lionesses do.

So, as the years go by I will continue to celebrate my age and my ageing body. I will celebrate the experience, the skills, the intuition, the relationships and the stories that I have harvested over the years. I will treat my body with the respect it deserves. I will talk and write and sometimes rant about what it's like to be a woman of a certain age and hopefully inspire more women to leave the garden and step into the jungle.

Gremlin Number One

2012-05-02T13:20:00.003+01:00

“Did you have an imaginary friend when you were a child? Mine's still around. He hasn't aged. He's still hyper-critical of everything I do … still controlling and dismissive and with the same self-righteous, overbearing attitude. His voice is in my head at all times, scolding my every error, ungracious and belittling about any minor success I may have ...” (Charles Saatchi, Evening Standard, 2.4.12)

Does this sound familiar? Saatchi was writing a satirical article about psychiatry in which he was enjoying pulling the wool over a psychiatrist's eyes with made up stories about his psychological health. But this little paragraph sounded uncomfortably familiar to me. It may have been a joke to Saatchi, but this sounds to me very much like Gremlin Number One, who is a frequent visitor in my mind.

For those unfamiliar with the word 'Gremlin' being used in this context, I am taking it to refer to a voice inside my head which is unhelpful in a number of rather clever ways. This 'presence' takes a number of different forms, depending on how I'm feeling or what I'm doing or what it particularly wants to sabotage. Gremlin Number One is the critical voice in my head which tells me that I'm not smart enough or thin enough, that I'm not pretty and I'm not well dressed enough etc. The voice that saps my confidence about my abilities and that leaves me just wanting to dive back under the duvet with a large box of chocolates and never emerge again. It's the voice that somehow doesn't rouse my defiant self – over the years I have found it hard to tell Gremlin Number One to get stuffed because at some deep level I believe it is right.

I suspect that Gremlin Number One has been around in my head for a very long time too – we have pretty much grown-up together and the criticisms it throws at me are very cleverly attuned to my own insecurities. It is very good at spotting my latest worries and playing on them to destroy any fragile confidence that I've built up during my work with Beyond Chocolate. Beyond Chocolate has helped me enormously and Gremlin Number One is now an identified presence in my head, somehow separate to me instead of part of my very being. I can now 'hear' Gremlin Number One when it starts up with the 'you're not thin enough' refrain and Beyond Chocolate has taught me strategies to cope with this nasty, slimy, confidence sapping voice.

My preferred strategy is a shrug and a, 'So?' or 'And?' To dismiss this Gremlin, I simply refuse to care about what it is saying, I shrug off its insinuations and I don't care what it thinks of me. Of course this takes practice and persistence and a genuine acceptance that this Gremlin isn't helping any more. For, believe it or not, this Gremlin thinks it's helping me. How it's helping may not be immediately obvious, but given our lengthy history together, it's helping me not to get too 'bumptious' … being bumptious and loud was one of the things the Gremlin and I learned quite early on weren't acceptable. Being over-confident wasn't acceptable, so the Gremlin has learned to spot those times when I might be 'getting a bit too bouncy', and warns me by crushing me as quickly as possible.

What Gremlin Number One hasn't realised is that things have changed. I'm not a child any more and I don't live in dread of adult disapproval of my behaviour. I don't need to be warned when I get too bouncy any more because I can regulate that for myself (or just annoy everyone!). I have changed, but my Gremlin hasn't – it's still reacting in the same way it always has, only now I am aware of it, now I can choose not to believe it any more. Spotting its interjections quickly is the key to stopping this Gremlin and I can do that by being aware of what thoughts are going through my head – in other words, Tuning In to those thoughts. If I let them go on unexamined, the Gremlin can get quite a lot said before I notice it and dismiss it.

Gretel Hallet, is a Trained Chocolate Fairy and is running the Getting Started half day workshop in Norwich - perfect for beginners to experience the core principles of Beyond Chocolate and equally great as a refresher for any Beyond Chocolater. If you live in East Anglia and want to know more about Beyond Chocolate or her workshops, get in touch with Gretel.

What do you choose: discomfort or food?

2012-04-27T11:05:00.000+01:00

"Choose discomfort over resentment." Brene Brown (via Geneen Roth who posted it on Facebook). Choose discomfort over resentment... Choose discomfort over resentment... I've been turning this phrase around in my head ever since I read it this morning. And I know just how often I choose resentment over discomfort and the huge impact it has on my life and on my eating.

When I choose to give Evie a lift all the way to fencing club instead of dropping her off at the tube, which would mean I could take the time to have a bath or do nothing much for half an hour, I am choosing resentment over discomfort. Saying NO to my daughter just feels too much like the lifetime of NOs I heard from my own mother and I can't bear the discomfort, so I choose resentment.

When I spend the the only quiet hour of the day, the one just before I go to bed, with Ben because he really wants to spend some time with me, he hasn't seen me all day when really I want to curl up in bed and read my book or catch up on an episode of The Great British Menu, I am choosing resentment over discomfort. Saying NO to him, doing what I want, pleasing myself rather than everyone I live with is just too damed uncomfortable. So I choose resentment. "Why does he have to be so demanding and needy" is a much easier, more familiar place to rest.

When I spend the day dashing from one place to another, clients, shopping, Fairy Hut, pick ups and drop offs, packed lunches and cooked dinner... and, yet again I don't make time to stop for a sit down lunch for myself, I am choosing resentment over discomfort, again. I can't risk disappointing another, I cannot bear their disapproval. I have to do it all and strive for perfection. I have to cope and make it work. I have to. It's so much safer and more familiar to stick with putting myself last and disapproving of myself. So I keep driving myself and staving off the discomfort of being a fallible, average, unique - but just like everyone else - human being. I want to be special and maybe if I do everything for everyone one they will think I am? The discomfort of not being special enough is just too painful.

I am more comfortable feeling a low level of pissed off resentment "I do everything in this house, I never have a moment to breathe, if I just stopped it would all go to pot, how much do I have to do before I can stop? Do they love me enough yet? Have I done enough? Am I good enough now?" Of course I never say any of those things out loud, I'm far too proud and keen to kid even myself that I am not resentful or close to overload on a daily basis! I prefer not to admit any of that, even to myself. And yet it's my theme tune. In one way or another it's what I tell myself when I choose resentment over discomfort.

Is it any wonder that food is such a good friend? Always there. Always available. Never demanding or expecting anything of me. There to provide a moment of respite. A moment of escape. The perfect plug for all my resentment, for all the contempt I feel for myself when I live in fear of discomfort. Dependable. Predictable. Soothing. Reassuring. My best friend food.

These days I am opting for discomfort more and more. And while sometimes staying with discomfort is so painful, I wish I could escape from my body and be swallowed up by the floor, sometimes it almost feels good! Yesterday when Ben asked me if I would make him a sandwich to take to work (with a puppy dog look, mixed with criticism that I do it for the kids so why not for him?) while I was rushing around at 7am, doing five things at once, so I could get out of the house on time, I stopped for a moment and said "No, I'm sorry Benj. Not today". For a moment the look of disapproval and disappointment on his face felt like the most uncomfortable pain. I felt it with my whole body. I interpreted the look on his face and his cold, curt "Ok, fine" as "If you don't love me enough to make me a sandwich then I don't love you". And that is sooo uncomfortable. And what I have discovered is that it's bearable. The discomfort is ok. If I can catch the urge to fuel the feeling of discomfort with recriminations of my own "you should be more generous, come on, you could have made him a sandwich, it's not much to ask, no wonder he feels that way, he's right, you really don't care about him enough" etc. When I catch that Gremlin and shut it up, I don't feel uncomfortable for very long. And I don't end up feeling resentful. I don't feel like a doormat. I have given myself the message that it's OK to disappoint another to be true to myself. And that feels so, so, so good, a bar of chocolate doesn't even come close.

"Choose discomfort over resentment" could be the strap line of our new book and workshop: Beyond Temptation. It's what Audrey and I have been working with, personally and professionally for the past 6 years; how to manage everything in our lives which is uncomfortable, without succumbing to the quasi irresistible temptation of food.

I will continue to choose discomfort over resentment and numbness, today, tomorrow. Whenever I am willing. One day at a time. Discomfort is my new best friend. Sorry food!

Mother & Daughter Special Event

2012-04-26T10:09:00.005+01:00

Be the best version of You

An afternoon of workshops for mothers and daughters

Saturday 19th May

1.30 - 6.00pm

Hackney, London

For this event, we are teaming up with some great people to give mothers and daughters an afternoon of three brilliant workshops.

A confidence workshop by Body Gossip’s Natasha Devon

Natasha is a body image expert for BBC Radio, who also writes regularly for the national press. She has worked with 10,000 teenagers throughout the UK, delivering self-esteem classes into schools and colleges. Her work has won several awards, including one from the

Mental Health Association. This workshop builds confidence by examining the negative beliefs which hold us back and ways in which we can conquer them to achieve our potential.

Natasha says: “We chose to do an event for Mums and daughters because we noticed that in the press mothers are blamed a lot for their daughters’ insecurities and we didn’t think that was necessarily right. There are many close mother and daughter partnerships, when you look around London, and that’s a wonderful thing to see. This will be a really lovely, bonding experience for a mother and daughter team and something we hope they will always remember”.

A style workshop from NHJ’s Style Academy’s Isobel Kershaw

Isobel has over 20 years’ experience in fashion and styling. She has appeared on TV and styled many celebrity clients, including Katie Piper. She is Head of Styling at NHJ Style – founded by TV presenter and celebrity stylist Nicky Hambleton-Jones (best known for presenting 5 series of 10 Years Younger). This workshop teaches women how to dress for their body shape. Whether you are an athletic size 8, or a curvy size 18, Isobel has the knowledge and tips to help you look and feel fabulous. The aim of the three workshops is to help those attending to be the very best version of themselves

– To make their own style and food rules and to be confident in their choices.

The trio of workshops will obviously include a Beyond Chocolate workshop too

A Mothers, Daughters & Food workshop by Beyond Chocolate founders and authors Sophie & Audrey Boss

We are especially delighted to be working with mothers and daughters as we know that a mother’s own approach to weight loss and body confidence directly impacts the way her daughter will feel about herself and about food later on in life. This workshop will give both mothers and daughters essential insights on how to avoid the most common dieting pitfalls and how to have a guilt free, balanced approach to eating so that they will know how to support each other to feeling happy with the way they eat and they way they look.

The Nitty Gritty

Saturday 19th May from 1.30pm to 6.00pm
Venue: Chats Palace, Hackney, London E9
Tickets are £25 for both mother and daughter (£12.50 each).
Mothers & daughters will do three 45minute workshop sessions in separate groups and then come together for a final 1.5hr workshop session .
For more information, or to book your ticket, go to: www.bethebestversionofyou.eventbrite.com

Cake for breakfast

2012-04-18T22:05:00.002+01:00

Last month I wrote about the challenges of getting older and developing an intolerance to certain foods. I was particularly struggling with bread and baked goods with yeast in them as I have noticed that I bloat and feel generally pretty awful when I eat them in large quantities. This is tragic because I LOVE cake. I love everything about cakes: leafing through recipe books or browsing the internet to find new ones, getting all my ingredients lined up, sifting, creaming, whisking and mixing a few simple ingredients which magically turn into the food of gods after a brief stint in the oven. There is something truly divine about a home-baked cake and I couldn't bear the thought that I would have to limit my intake...or suffer the consequences. Worse still, the only food I really like to eat at breakfast - together with a pint sized mug of very strong tea - is a slice of cake.

For a few weeks I made do with nothing at all or sometimes a yoghurt, neither which work for me at all. Eating nothing means that by eleven I am so ravenous I can't see straight but by then I don't have time for a proper sit down so I end up eating in front of the computer or on the go and that's never very satisfying. The cold, creamy yoghurt - although very nice - just doesn't marry with the hot tea. The contrasting textures and temperatures are all wrong.

So, it's back to cake. This time with my Kitchen Fairy hat on. I searched the internet for ideas and came across Nigella Lawson's Venetian Carrot Cake which ticked all the boxes. The original recipe calls for the addition of rum soaked raisins, which I didn't fancy so I replaced them with little bits of chopped stem ginger. I didn't have the required lemon so substituted with a lime and was 50 grams short of ground almonds which I made up with desiccated coconut as that's what I had in the cupboard. I made a few other minor adjustments here and there and loved the result.

I think the final product is probably a bit more Caribbean and bit less Venetian but it really works! It's moist and zingy and hits the spot with a cup of tea in the morning. In fact, it's so good I've been having it for lunch and dinner as well! So, to the recipe...

Caribbean Carrot Cake (adapted from Nigella Lawson's Venetian Carrot Cake)

200 grams grated carrots
125 ml olive oil
100 grams caster sugar
50 grams honey
3 pieces of stem ginger in syrup. drained and grated
3 eggs
200 grams ground almonds
50 grams desiccated coconut
1 lime: zest and juice
1/2 tsp ground ginger

1) Grease and line a 23cm spring from tin and preheat oven to 180C
2) Beat honey, sugar and eggs together till well mixed and airy
3) Fold in coconut and almond
4) Add carrots, both gingers and zest and juice of lime
5) Pour into tin and level with spoon. Bake for 30 to 40 mins until a skewer comes out cleanish

MOVE (AND ENJOY)!

2012-04-18T10:10:00.000+01:00

Gretel Hallet, is a Trained Chocolate Fairy and is running the Getting Started half day workshop in Norwich - perfect for beginners to experience the core principles of Beyond Chocolate and equally great as a refresher for any Beyond Chocolater. If you live in East Anglia and want to know more about Beyond Chocolate or her workshops, get in touch with Gretel.

Stand by for excuses. I damaged a disk in my back just before Christmas, the Zumba class at my local leisure centre kept being cancelled, I had a go at Aquafit but didn’t enjoy it … the pain in my back meant that I couldn’t do any lifting, twisting or bending, which rules out many types of exercise. So, what I’m saying is that I haven’t really been Moving for some time. I’ve missed it. But not quite enough to get me up and about again.
My back gradually healed to the point where I could bend, twist and lift again, but still I tarried, unwilling to get back into my regular exercise routine.

I continued cycling and walking during this fallow period.
A terrible lethargy had seized me and I realised that what was missing was Enjoy. Enjoy doesn’t just refer to our eating; it also refers to our Moving and how we feel about our bodies. I wasn’t enjoying moving and I wasn’t enjoying inhabiting this body which was in pain and preventing me getting on with my life.
This has made me realise how important Enjoy is – I am less and less willing to eat things I don’t enjoy, do things I don’t enjoy and move in ways I don’t enjoy. That doesn’t mean that I duck out of everything I don’t enjoy – sometimes in life we just grit our teeth and get through something – but when it comes to something ongoing, something for our health – I am beginning to see that Enjoy(ment) has to be there too.

Some time ago I attended a whole day of exercise where some trainers showed us (and got us to have a go at) a variety of different types of exercise; boxercise, kettlebells, aerobics, circuit training, etc – it was an exhausting day but the trainers were very enthusiastic and encouraging and I signed up to their email list.

Last week I received an email with notification of new classes at their gym nearby and decided to give it a go to see if it would kick start me into the Move principle again. I promised myself that if I didn’t Enjoy it, I wouldn’t go again.

On the very same day (funny how that often happens, isn’t it?!) my Other Half announced that he’d found a free outdoor exercise ‘gym’ on a local park and suggested we go along to have a look at it. So we cycled down to the park, which is on the edge of a fen, and had a look. Some children were having a great time playing on the exercise equipment, using the machines as swings, and I realised how much fun they were having, compared with how grim adults look when they use things like cross trainers. Children have a natural ability to Enjoy which I admire.

We negotiated a go on the equipment and the children were very keen to show us how to use the machines safely, which was very sweet, but I felt that I couldn’t really do an exercise routine with an audience, so I had a quick go on each machine and then we cycled home.

So to this week – somehow reinvigorated, I went to the classes on Monday and survived – I wouldn’t say it was an entirely enjoyable experience, but the class was small, the trainer very patient and encouraging and I decided I would go again – and then see if I wished to go for a third time. One session at a time; I’m not going to sign up for a series of lessons. That can be fatal – there’s something about booking ahead like that which can have an adverse effect and cause us to stop going – perverse, I know, but it happens. Look at all those gym memberships taken out in January and given up by March...

This morning, knowing all the children were safely in school, I cycled to the park and did a complete circuit of the exercise machinery; I rowed and cross trained and swung and cycled and watched the sparrows chase each other through the reed bed and a heron float gracefully down to a stream. I breathed in the fresh air and silently thanked the local Council for installing these machines that anyone could use for free whenever they want to.

I didn’t make any promises except that, if I wanted to, I would come back and use the machines again – I am well on my way back to Enjoying Move!

Full fat or semi-skimmed?

2012-04-12T12:19:00.006+01:00

I walked into Owen's, my wonderful local deli/butcher/grocery/cafe this morning and asked for my usual latte - made with full fat milk. They know me now, so I don’t have to specify the full fat bit every time. As she prepared my latte, Jane said she’d been listening to Woman’s Hour a few weeks ago and she’d thought of me because they were talking about the fact that full fat milk, cream, full fat yoghurt and even butter are positively good for you. She thought of me because it’s so unusual for anyone to ask for full fat milk these days it had stuck in her mind. On the radio, a nutritionist was saying that having semi-skimmed and skimmed milk prevents the absorption of vitamins and minerals. Surprise, surprise (well actually, no surprise at all to me) full fat products are better for us than semi-skimmed. They are much better. For us and for our children. We started talking about how common it is today to automatically go for semi-skimmed milk, as if somehow it’s better for us. I find it shocking that we have been brain washed to such an extent that we actually believe that changing the natural composition of a food can be better for us than eating it as nature intended. And many people have grown so accustomed to the taste and texture of semi-skimmed that they no longer like full fat milk, they find the creaminess unpleasant. What a sorry state of affairs when we prefer the adulterated version of a good, wholesome food. Is in any wonder that there has been an increase in childhood rickets (due to lack of vitamin D, magnesium, phosphorus and/or calcium - which depend on the fat in milk for their absorption) when even they are being routinely given semi-skimmed instead of full fat. Think back to your childhood, what kind of milk did you drink? Low fat foods didn't even exist 40 years ago and guess what, we were slimmer then than we are today, when we regularly ate puddings and butter and cream and FULL FAT milk.

Eating whole foods, the way they come from the animal or the ground makes so much more sense to me than putting them through any kind of processing to make them ‘better’. The only people who really benefit from the processing are the food producers who can charge a premium for this ‘improved’ version the food in question. At Beyond Chocolate we have been saying for over ten years that eating low fat, low sugar, low carb, low anything food is counterproductive both for weight loss and overall good health. Even the nutritionist on Woman’s Hour confirmed that you’d have to drink a lot of milk for the fat content to make a real difference to your weight. Eating the real thing (whatever it is) is far more satisfying and when we feel truly satisfied, we are far less likely to overeat, which is what really causes weight gain.

So, maybe it’s time to re-educate ourselves and our palates. Maybe it’s time to start eating real, honest, full-everything foods. If we are concerned about good health, then the things to avoid are surely the processed, artificial foods - and that includes low fat yoghurts (look at the ingredients on the back - they look more like chemical formulae to me!), low fat spreads, sweet things full of artificial sugars and stuffed with corn syrup. Bring back good old fashioned puddings with custard, bread with butter and delicious creamy yoghurts (the real thing, which you’ll find has very few ingredients: milk, yogurt cultures, maybe a bit of sugar, some honey or some fruit. That’s it.) real ice cream and home made cakes….

I am so glad that this common sense is making it’s way to Radio 4 and hopefully beyond. That really is good news.

The Gap and The Pause

2012-04-11T10:00:00.000+01:00

Gretel Hallet, is a Trained Chocolate Fairy and is running the Getting Started half day workshop in Norwich - perfect for beginners to experience the core principles of Beyond Chocolate and equally great as a refresher for any Beyond Chocolater. If you live in East Anglia and want to know more about Beyond Chocolate or her workshops, get in touch with Gretel.

Mind The Gap! Those of you who live in London will be very familiar with that phrase – but what happens if we are in a Gap? I am exploring that concept right now. I’m out of work, looking for work, but also really enjoying being at home and exploring this Gap that has opened up in my life. We don’t often get Gaps in life and if one occurs, I would encourage you to dwell in it and explore it. Our natural tendency is to fill gaps; if we have 5 minutes to wait, we fiddle with our mobiles, or read a book, or buy a coffee – we seldom just allow ourselves to occupy this Gap of time and not Do Anything.

It’s very hard to not have anything to do. It can be unsettling emotionally and can be almost physically painful, but I have been Tuning in to these Gaps that life throws up from time to time and exploring my feelings without filling the Gap with trivia.
On the positive side, if we don’t have Gaps in our life from time to time, we find it harder to be open to possibilities, to take our lives off in perhaps a different direction – to listen to what we actually want to do.

It is, of course, possible to create a Gap for ourselves; to step off the treadmill and look about us, to take time to consider what we want to do with however many years of life we have left. For many of us, this is a luxury we are unlikely to be able to generate for ourselves; modern life is expensive and there is the imperative to earn money, support ourselves, advance in our chosen careers.

However, if a Gap does pop up in your life, however short it is, I would encourage you to take advantage of it. What is it like to just sit there and do nothing? What if you used that time to Tune In? What would your body and mind tell you?
This Gap is first cousin to the Beyond Chocolate Pause. The Pause is a self-generated pre-determined length of time in which we can Tune In and break the endless rush, the hand-to-mouth cycle, the dive into the biscuit tin with eyes and mind averted.

What happens when I eat compulsively, without being hungry, without (often) actually enjoying what I’m eating, when I eat too much, too quickly, too soon, is that I’m not really in this moment. I’m physically there, in front of the cupboard/fridge/box/carton/shop but mentally I’m somewhere else, somewhere I don’t have to take responsibility for what I’m doing. That’s why, when it’s all over, I can be surprised at the empty packets/cartons etc – gosh! Where did all that go?!

One way of dealing with those moments is to interrupt them before they steam-roller us. And one way we can do that is by using The Pause. But in order to use The Pause, we have to know when we are likely to find ourselves facing that situation. And how we will recognise that situation or feeling is if we have been Tuning In.

So, we have to work backwards through that last paragraph.
Firstly, we have been Tuning In for some time and recognise the symptoms of a forthcoming binge or the symptoms of a desire to eat when not hungry etc.

Next, we interrupt the flow from desire to action – we step in just after we recognise the symptoms and just before we open the door/packet/tin.

For those of us who find this very uncomfortable, we can agree a time limit – it can be very little, mere seconds, or it can be longer – the time is up to each one of us individually.

We promise ourselves that if we still want to eat when the time is up, we will do.
And we sit with the feelings that come up during the time we have set.

The Pause and Tuning In are small but very potent weapons we have to hand, whenever we need or want to use them, and they really do work.

It’s easy to overlook the little things in life; the Gaps and Pauses, Tuning In, but focusing on them and using them can be one of the best things we do for ourselves.

One of those days

2012-04-05T13:27:00.007+01:00

Do you ever have one of those days when you wonder what it’s all about, what you work so hard for?

I sat down with the intention of writing a blog post about tuning-in and then, when I tuned-in myself, I realised that I was feeling miserable and frustrated, that I was tensing my shoulders, breathing shallowly, tightening my lips together, sitting very still and heavy and that my gremlin was in moan mode. “What’s the point, this is all too much, nothing is working the way I want it to, I've got to keep going, I can’t stop, I can do it, of course I can, but it’s all crap and I feel miserable, Oh, what's the point anyway...” (or something along those lines). Not the best state for creativity and writing something interesting for you all to read.

So I have a choice. I can choose not to write. Or, I can choose to stuff down the misery and write something upbeat and passionate (all the while pretending I don't feel sad). Or I can write from this place, from where I am right now. I can allow myself to be vulnerable. I can write about the frustration of being a mum and working and wanting to do it all so well. How can there possibly be time to do it all? To make time to prepare home cooked meals, clean the house, give lifts here and there and everywhere, accompany one to the dental hospital and the other to a fencing competition on the weekend, run a psychotherapy practice, finish my psychotherapy training and write countless essays, manage Beyond Chocolate and all that goes with running a small buisness, be an attentive, loving partner, spend time with my girl friends, oh and do volunteer work for WIP, write books, socialise… and have time to breathe. It’s not possible. It's surely just not humanly possible. That’s what I have come to realise when I write it all down. It’s just not possible to do all those things well and stay sane. And yet I do it, somehow. I don't do them all as well and as fully as I'd like and I do them. All. I love every one of those things I do and yet right now I’m looking at the list and thinking “What can I stop doing, ‘cause something’s got to give?”. In the past I would have eaten now, to give myself a break, a moment to sit down, I would have eaten to stuff down my hopelessness and my sadness. These days I write blog posts instead - this doesn't feel like work, it's an opportunity to ask myself what I’m thinking about and get it all out. I can sit here at the computer and take a few deep breaths. I can tune-in to my gremlin and respond with a knowing nod, a kindly “I know”. There’s no point pretending it’s all OK because it isn’t - and worrying, berating myself or pushing and steeling myself won’t make it any better either.

What do I really want right now? A moment to put my feet up, a moment to have a bit of a cry maybe or just allow myself to feel glum and miserable and hopeless. So I’ll stop here, make myself a cup of Earl Grey tea and sit in my misery chair for 10 minutes. I’ll set the alarm on my phone and I’ll let myself moan and complain and worry for the whole 10 minutes or until I’ve had enough. I always feel better when I've allowed myself to do that.

Not a very uplifting post! But honest. If you find yourself having one of those days, tune-in, notice what you are feeling and name it, pay attention to what you’re thinking, what is your gremlin saying? Notice what you are doing with your body and ask yourself what you need and want and then, maybe, give yourself 10 minutes in your misery/anger/worry chair - or whatever it is for you in that moment.

Oh, and Happy Easter!

Should cookery be on the national curriculum?

2012-04-03T11:24:00.001+01:00

At a time when millions of pounds are being spent on public health campaigns in the 'fight against obesity' and Weight Watchers are rolling out programs for teenagers and kids, the government is looking to drop cookery classes in schools as part of a general review of the National Curriculum. Under the previous government, the Licence to Cook programme included 24 hours of practical cookery skills for all pupils aged 11-14 and included training for teachers and funding for kitchen equipment to be installed in schools. Now the tide has turned and despite the growing obsession over child obesity the current government are looking to ditch cookery and focus on 'core subjects' like Mathematics and English instead.

In a recent survey of schoolchildren, most didn't know that burgers were made from cows and that fish fingers had anything to do with animals that live in the sea. How can we expect the future generations to make healthy food choices when they have no idea where the food comes from and how to prepare it? Surely cookery is one of the most 'core' subjects there is? The best way to show children how to have a healthy, balanced relationship with food and by consequence a healthy, balanced weight is to focus on teaching all youngsters basic cookery skills so that by the time they leave school they know how to take a few, simple, fresh ingredients and turn them into a satisfying, nutritious meal.

Imagine schools with a basic kitchen in each classroom: children learning how to cut, measure, weigh and mix ingredients (lots of mathematics there) and finding out about where ingredients come from, what happens to them when they are cooked together, learning to read a recipe and even writing some of their own (lots of English, Biology and Chemistry too). Imagine a National Curriculum where each child leaves school with a good grounding in cookery. When you know how to make a basic soup, a stew, a stir fry, an omelette and a pudding you are pretty much set for life. You can decide what tastes, textures and quantities you are hungry for, you can ensure you eat food you enjoy and take pride in your work. None of the above take any longer top make than heating up a ready meal or popping out for a takeaway and with a bit of planning, they can be much cheaper.

I recently spent a couple of hours on a Sunday morning holding a cookery workshop for 20 kids aged 2 to 10 years. As part of a larger event on recycling and using scrap to create things I went for simple recipes based on leftover bread. We made an Italian recipe called Poor Man's Meatballs - delicious, golden, crunchy, cheesy bread balls - and an easy bread & butter pudding. The children had a great time and really got stuck in, even the very little ones. They all enjoyed devouring their home-made goodies and took away a little bit of cookery knowledge that I hope will stick with them for many years.

I hope the government review will realise just how important cookery is for children's health and wellbeing and make it part of the National Curriculum. In the meantime, get your kinds into the kitchen and have fun making Poor Man's Meatballs with them. Even a 2 year old can enjoy squishing some bread and rolling it into balls. You will be teaching them valuable skills for the future.

If you'd like Audrey aka the Kitchen Fairy to come and cook with you and your children, get in touch and drop me an email audrey[at]beyondchocolate[dot]co[dot]uk