BS Talks

A gift cake you DON'T want to look in the mouth

2010-01-19T22:29:21-05:00

Today is my granboss’ (my boss’ boss) 65th birthday and to celebrate, KJ and I ordered him a cake. We briefly toyed with the idea of a cake with a motion activated dinosaur to simultaneously represent his life’s work and his life, being old and all but we were dismayed to find this cake would only feed 10 to 12 and we needed something for about 30. So, we put on our thinking caps and got down to some serious cake decorating ideas and we came up with this beauty:

I am not sure this photo fully captures this absolute grotesquest image we asked the bakery to use but please feel free to check out these images to see similar ‘beings’. My granboss lovingly named our little friend Muffy Man and he takes great pleasure in introducing Muffy to new staff members. Needless to say, once you have met Muffy Man, your life will be forever changed. Having personally experienced Muffy, I am not convinced it is for the better.

As an added birthday bonus, we dressed Muffy Man up for the occasion and he attended the cake gathering.

If I had to venture a guess, this is probably the best thing (in his opinion) my granboss’ staff has ever done for him.

And, if I am to be completely honest, deer ass cake ain’t half bad!

I like ‘em tall, dark and brainy.

2010-01-18T00:22:54-05:00

Nine out of ten men I find attractive fit perfectly into the tall, dark and brainy category. I was gonna call it tall, dark and nerdy but I think ‘nerdy’ opens the door for the dungeons and dragons, anime, sci-fi variety a little bit too much. I don’t mind a touch of those but I’m less of a ‘dress up as a super natural being and go to Comic-Con’ and more of a ‘undress a human being and go to bed’ kinda girl.

Standing a whopping 5’3, it’s not hard to find a man that’s taller than me, but when I say tall, I’m talking a tall man’s tall. I want a guy to be able to reach any of the spices in the cabinet above the stove; reach the punch bowl that’s way in the back because we never use it but I wanted it just in case; put the angel on top of the Christmas tree and scratch that spot on my back I can’t reach (ok, to be fair, he doesn’t have to be tall to reach that spot but I like the idea of him enveloping me while scratching that itch (both of them)).

With the exception of Boomer Esiason, every man I have ever loved has had dark hair. It started in the fourth grade when I stole my first kiss from a boy named Alf (that was his nickname, thankfully, but I can’t remember his actual name, (getting old sucks)), at the skating rink. Sadly, it didn’t work out with Alf, but he did set the stage for the rest of the men to play a role in my life.

Smarts are merely the tip of the intelligent iceberg for me. I like a smart guy but I LOVE an intelligent AND intellectual (if you aren’t sure of the difference between the two, you probably aren’t either and I’m not into you) guy. Use Dante’s Inferno to describe our relationship, know why the math is wrong in Numbers and know how to properly use I in a sentence and I will be putty in your hands! Besides, I think brainy guys make the best lovers. They haven’t had a lot of experience but they have seen a lot or porn and are eager to please!

I was gonna end there but, are you watching the Golden Globes? And speaking of my ideal man, here is a little text exchange between me and my friend KJ:

BS – OMG! Sheldon is in a tux on the Golden Globes! I’m so glad I stayed home!!!

KJ – What channel! I need to see this.

BS – NBC. Google it, he is tasty!!! He def will be starring in my dreams tonight!

KJ – This moment could only be bettered by some torch smores.

BS – If Sheldon toasted them and then fed then to me whilst wearing the tux! Double yummy!

KJ – Fine! Sheldon may borrow the torch!

BS – You are a true friend!

KJ – Ok. Glee is getting ripped off!

BS – I just want to see Sheldon some more!

KJ – You should make Sheldon a blog post, with some sort of Sheldon graphic.

BS – I think that might be over the top, don’t you?

KJ – Uh, you sent like five texts about him. Do you even have an over-the-top meter?

BS – Yeah, duh, that’s how I know it’s over the top!

KJ – I think you are just doubting your graphical prowress. (sic)

BS – It’s true. I don’t think I could make anything Sheldon worthy. Nor do I think my nubile graphic abilities would even begin to touch upon the dirty desires he inspires in me.

KJ – Wow, just wow.

I'm not kidding! Holy freaking cow! Sheldon is smoking hot in a tux. If Sheldon Cooper wasn’t from Texas he would be able to give John Cusack a run for his money.

If there is a god, Sheldon will be in my dreams tonight. And John.

Your welcome!

Nite nite.

Open up and say ahhh

2010-01-15T20:55:00-05:00

Sorry, I didn’t post anything yesterday, I had a pretty shitty day. Well, there was an hour in the middle I kinda liked and it may or may not have involved meeting a boy. But the rest? The rest I would like to punch in the junk while wearing brass knuckles taped up with scissors, pointy end toward junk.

In truth, the whole week has kinda been shit. And I still have 1 more day to go!

Maybe, I should put on the big girl skirt and stop my whining.

So, the other day, I said I was mourning the possibility of a cavity. I can’t decide if that is actually correct word usage. I think it really should be something like mourning the possibility of the loss of my perfect mouth. I don’t know. Are both correct? Are neither correct? Someone help me out.

Either way you say it, I may have a freaking cavity. Even though I went to the dentist on Wednesday, I don’t actually know for sure about the cavity because I went to the student dental clinic and apparently, my student has to turn in my x-rays for a grade before they are read and a course of action is decided. Who knew?

Other than the cavity things, the whole student dental clinic experience was pretty good. I met a very nice woman in her 70s (I’m just guessing based on her appearance, I didn’t ID her or anything), hence forth she will be known as LOL – little old lady, and she asked if she could follow me to the building because she had never been here before. I wasn’t exactly sure where I was supposed to go either and since the dental clinic is part of a gynormous teaching hospital I figured it would be mutually beneficial to allow this nice LOL to follow me. If we got lost and were out there wandering for days and days and then weeks and weeks, she would likely perish before me, being old and all, and I would have a food source to sustain me if it came to that. Or, on the off chance we made it to our destinations, I would have some good karma for helping a LOL cross the street and what not. Well, I guess it wasn’t completely mutually beneficial since it would be a win/win for me and a lose/win for the LOL depending on the outcome but why split grey- blue hairs?

Luckily, we did find our way to the right place and I helped the LOL get registered and signed in and then I did the same for myself. Then I found a seat and waited to be seen. FOR AN HOUR!!!

Truth be told, the hour wait wasn’t bad. I enjoyed people watching for a bit and let me tell you, some special people come out of the wood work to go to the deeply discounted student dental clinic! I fantasized about hitting the dumb broad that sat next, reading Going Rogue, with the book (it has to be good for something, right?) and knocking out all of her teeth, thus eliminating her need to be at the dental clinic sitting next to me. In the end, I decided others might not interpret my actions as the philanthropic deed I was going for so I just played Sudoku on my iPhone instead. I don’t know what it is with Sudoku, but I am terrible at it! I can solve the easy and medium puzzles but not as quickly as I think I should and it is rare that I can get a hard puzzle without having to outright guess a number or two. It really pisses me off.

~~After being bested by~~ On a break from Sudoku, I saw a large gaggle of people in scrubs come into the lobby and since I am in full on Men in Twenty-Ten mode, I was scoping the merchandise. It seems dental students are a pretty attractive bunch and I made a nice long list of guys I hoped would be my student dentist.

Naturally, I got a girl. I guess the LOL karma can’t be used for hot, male dentist selection.

And to make matters worse, I saw this particular girl, Corlina, come into the lobby, walk up to a group of other girls and hug each one of them. I fucking hate hugging people! Don’t get me wrong, if I haven’t seen you in a while or I won’t see you in a while or if you’ve had a bad day or if you are my man-friend then I have no problems hugging you. If I just saw you yesterday or in 3^rd period or an hour ago at work and now we are at the same club, I see no reason for any combination of squealing, jumping and hugging. I thought we graduated junior high school.

Besides the hugging thing, Corlina did a pretty good job taking my x-rays. She only had to repeat 1 of them which I think speaks volumes about her abilities because those damn films are ridiculously too big. I don’t understand how they are 1 size fits all. I may be pretty loud and very talkative but I have a small mouth. (Go ahead, make your jokes, I am sure I have heard them all before.) The idea that someone with a mouth like Mick Jagger can use the same mouth pieces I use is just absurd. The part under my tongue still hurts a bit but if Corlina gets a good grade, I ok with a bit of pain. Yeah, I’m a martyr like that.

Maybe I can add my martyrdom to the LOL karma and cash them in for no cavities!

What did the 0 say to the 8?

2010-01-13T21:16:36-05:00

That’s all I’ve got today.

I am mourning the possibility of my first cavity and I just don’t have it in me to regale you with the fun I had at the student dental clinic. Seriously, other than the harpy that sat next to me and proceeded to read (if you can call it reading) Going Rogue, I had a super fun time at the clinic.

Perhaps, tomorrow, I will fill you in with all the dental clinic details and my bizarre enjoyment of similar activities like extra screening at the airport and DUI check points. I’m not kidding, I really do like these things. Kind of a lot.

bitches, footie pjs and boobs

2010-01-12T20:25:48-05:00

Vagueness, you are a bitch. I would like to stuff my foot down your throat til your shit’s in my shoes and you have to pay my dry cleaning bill. (thanks bad-ass, hood-rat, gangsta Natalie Portman, for the line, not vagueness, Natalie is too cool for vagueness). I am tired of your ‘Woe as me…ho hum…hey, look at this fancy, schmancy, new raincoat’ tricks. Stop opening the door to your life a teensy weensy crack before slamming it shut in my face and distracting me with your shiny and new stuff. You either have something to say or you don’t, I’m not gonna pull it out of you, not even when I remove my shoe from your digestive tract. So, getting to spilling the beans or shut the fuck up already.

In other news, it was markedly warmer last night; I was able to shed a layer or two. I did learn the answer to the age old question: Why do you make the bed if you are just going to mess it back up in a few hours. Apparently, if you use more than 1 sheet or a light blanket when you sleep, you somehow twist those suckers into locker room quality snapping tools and if you don’t straighten them before going back to bed, you will spend the your entire fucking night trying (unsuccessfully I might add) to untangle them.

In further, other news, I freaking love the Aloe Vera socks. I wonder if they make Aloe Vera footie pajamas. If not, can I buy enough of the socks and find someone that loves me (or will accept my complete love and adoration (for as long as the pjs last) as payment because I am pretty sure investing in enough socks to stitch into a pair of footie pajamas is gonna be all the money I got.

In still further, other news, why are pajamas called a pair? Why are jeans called a pair?

In further still, further, other news, I went to the gym today and had a pretty decent run. I was pretty tired and about to stop when Down came on the radio and I was so pumped about it I managed to keep running through the song!

In other, further still, further, other news, I bought a new sports bra and tested it out today. It did a good job keeping everything in place but getting it on was special treat. The bra has a zipper closure in the front and when I bought it I thought that seemed like a good idea – sorta a quick release mechanism once I’m all sweaty from working out. Turns out, holding the two sides together over the boobage while trying to zip the damn thing is nearly impossible. The purpose of a sports bra is to hold everything down so no one, namely me, gets maimed during the working out, but in order to do that, the bra needs to be pretty tight. Pretty tight + a zipper = almost asking the lady next to me to push my boobs down while I zip the zipper.

What a way to start the week.

2 more layers and stalking

2010-01-11T20:40:58-05:00

I had an incredibly productive Sunday. (Yes, I know it's now Monday. Haven't we already discussed this judging?) Well, as productive as one can be while staying buried 5 layers deep in her bed. The temperature was supposed to drop to 14 degrees. That’s not drop BY 14 degrees. That’s drop TO 14 degrees, like the temperature outside is a whopping 14 degrees. Are you kidding me? This is still Florida right? Did I move and not realize it? 14 DEGREES?!

Needless to say, I added 2 more layers, a pair of socks for my hands and a heating pad.

This cold weather is wreaking havoc on my skin, my hands in particular, so I lotioned up and planned to put on a pair of those white, cotton gloves you get with manicure stuff but I took them to work because they are much smaller than regular gloves so I can still kinda type while wearing them. I looked around for another pair and I found a pair of Aloe Vera socks I got for Christmas. I used my MacGyver skills to combine some chapstick, the letter E and green eye shadow to convert those puppies into mittens. (If your MacG skills are not as honed as mine, you can also try just putting your hands into the socks and calling it a day.) Besides keeping me all warmed up, my hands look and feel awesome! I’m gonna test ‘em out on my feet next.

I added the heating pad to the layers for an extra bit of warm toastiness and I blame that addition for not leaving my bed the entire day! Electric blankets must be uhMAzing. I do feel a little bad for using the heating pad for warmth though. My roommate gave himself whiplash the other day when he tried to avoid sitting on my dog in mid sit mode. It was kinda entertaining to watch (if you are a heartless bitch that finds humor in the pain of others). Not that I laughed. Much. He was hunched over for a day or two and he asked to borrow my heating pad but it got super cold so I told him I couldn’t find it. Sucker (hi DP! ; P)

I texted the roomie to deliver me lunch to my room but I didn’t get a response. (And he wonders why I didn’t ‘find’ the heating pad.) So, I did have to get up for food purposes but other than that, I pretty much stayed bundled up on my bed with my computer. And that’s where the productivity comes into play.

I spent a good portion of the morning deciding my votes for the 20sb Bootlegger Awards and that reminded me that I need to update ~~the list of people I virtually stalk~~ my blog roll. So, here are a few more names to add to the list:

no ordinary rollercoaster – this is one of the first blogs I started following. I can’t remember if I found it by way of 20sb or if I found 20sb by way of it. Either way, I am all the better for having found both. Ben, the author, is like the hub of the freaking blogosphere or he pisses champagne, everywhere I go, someone is thanking him or crediting him or linking to him. And frankly, anyone that dresses up as Richard Simmons, spandex and all, and sells cupcakes, door to door, to raise awareness and money for breast cancer is A-OK in my book.

Stoic – I just recently started following this blog and so far, I love it! You know what they say? A picture is worth a thousand words? Tia finds the most amazing photographs to illustrate her thoughts and I really dig that.

More is Better – the sub-title to this blog is Deliciously Vulgar. How can I not be virtual bffs with a girl like this? A recent post about dry humping and used panties solidified her in the highest levels of my esteem.

Blogs by Night – I’m new to this blog as well but I think it’s a keeper. Stephen seems incredibly genuine, if that’s possible via the interwebs, and he makes better cookies than me and takes better photos than me. Yeah, I know neither of these are terribly difficult feats given the travesties I call cookies and photos but I think Stephen is good and he isn’t a douche bag about it.

It’s like I’m…mmmagic! – Brandy is ricockulously funny, even as she is currently going through a special level of hell. Between the ‘secret projects’ and giving sexwear to a 10 year old this blog gives my heart a boner.

I know my Oprah-like skills are pretty powerful so I will end here. I don’t want anyone calling into work this week so you can catch up on all the blogs I read. But if you find yourself with some time on your hands, definitely check these good folks out!

Are you a cool kid?

2010-01-10T16:33:35-05:00

Well? Are you? A cool kid? I am. Know how I know I am?

Cause I am a member of and I voted in the 2010 Bootlegger Awards!

‘Uh, BS, how are you a member of a group for 20 something bloggers, you’re thir—‘ SHUT YOUR PRETTY LITTLE FACE RIGHT THERE DEAR READER. If you take a moment to remember correctly, I am only 23 and besides I’ve been a member of 20sb for like 3 years. Age is not the point here. Well, my age at least.

If you are already a member of 20sb.net then you need to get your butt in gear and go vote. There’s a bunch of categories and a bunch of really worthy blogs and today is the last day, why’d ya wait so long?

If you aren’t a member of 20sb.net, have no fear you can still be a cool kid. If you are actually 20 something (that’s the only requirement), you should pop on over to 20sb.net and join and then you should friend add me because I like friends and then you should send me gifts because I like gifts (I’m mostly talking about gifts on 20sb.net but I will not send back any gifts given to me outside of 20sb.net. I am gracious like that).

If you aren’t in your twenties you’re kinda screwed for this easy test of coolness. If you really want to be cool, you can make a post on your blog that says BS SAYS I’M COOL and post a link to it the comments here and I will go check it out and confirm your coolness. I’m awesome AND giving like that.

Go now, make with the coolness.

Saturday: lying bastards and maiming jewelry

2010-01-09T20:34:31-05:00

In true mediocre meteorological fashion, the weather has let me down. It was supposed to snow last night. In Florida.

The Sunshine State.

By snow, I of course mean, the tiniest, most delicate snowflakes will form, float down from the ether like miniature midget angels and immediately disappear into annoying wet vastness but not before bringing me happiness and perhaps, frostbitten nipples.

But, no. It. Did. Not. Snow.

Not one friggin mini-midget angel!

It did rain but, magically the temperature rose about 12 degrees so it was too warm to snow. And today? Today the f-ing temperature outside is a fantastic 38 degrees but is there any chance of rain? Nope.

No snow did not stop me from sleeping 5 layers deep though.

Layer 1: very sexy, 6 year old, blue and white cotton night gown with cows and burgundy yoga pants. I truly was a vision.

Layer 2: ultra soft, ultra small, fleece, lap blanket. Doesn’t quite cover my whole person but it is damn soft.

Layer 3: flannel sheet (sage in color in case you are curious).

Layer 4: dark brown duvet cover.

Layer 5: big, comfy, comforter.

THIS IS FLORIDA! Do not judge me!

The roomie even managed to get the heater in the house working too. I’m pretty sure this is the first time in 5 years we’ve used the damn thing.

This is Florida after all. (Hey, I can judge myself all I want, you cannot).

I was pretty nice and toasty, all snuggled in my bed and I did not want to get up for work today! But I did get up. I trekked through the 64 degree house and made my way through the no-snow town to work where I was lucky enough to enjoy a cozy office temperature of 57 degrees. IN THE FUCKING BUILDING! 57! Degrees! Fahrenheit! Thankfully, I was only there for 8 hours and 23 minutes.

By the time I left work, the temperature had dropped a few degrees and to simultaneously combat the cold and kick the oil companies in the junk, the entire city decided to light fires. Or, over the course of my 8+ hour work day, it became apparent that for the last 10 years, I have been living in hell and with these ricockulously low temperatures, hell has finally frozen over. Either is entirely possible because everything was hazy looking and burny smelling. I tried to take a picture but I am sure you already know how well that worked out. Seriously, why am I so freaking camera challenged?

I did learn an interesting and rather important girl lesson as a result of the cold. Today marked the end of my first week of being a high maintenance girl and to celebrate my complete dominance of this resolution, I went above a beyond with the accessories by wearing a scarf, a ring, a cuff bracelet and dangly earrings. On the car ride home, I naturally had the heat cranked up to the highest blow level, the highest heat setting and the vents pointed directly at my hands and face. I was car dancing to some ridiculously fabulous song (with all the trauma, I forgot which one) when my dangly earrings began to bump into the sides of my face. Apparently, metal dangly earrings are excellent conductors of heat when the ultra-high heat-super-max heater is blowing directly onto them and in my dance mania, I did not immediately realize that with every bop and turn of my head, I was cooking strips of my face. As soon as the pain registered, I instinctively tried to touch the burning flesh. That movement caused my big, metal, cuff bracelet to slide, burning a path up my arm before it got stuck on my forearm and attempted to burn away the obstruction that was my arm to continue its path of fiery destruction. Needless to say, the next time it is this friggin cold, I will be sure to wear stud earrings and no bracelet for my car dance parties.

Alright. It’s Saturday night, party night and I am off to purty myself up for a hot night of prowling for Mr. BS.

Who am I kidding? I’m gonna put some salve on my burns, snuggle into my 5 layers and settle in for a Law & Order marathon on USA.

Spinsterhood aint as bad as people say.

The long and the short of it

2010-01-09T12:23:40-05:00

I don’t get the male fascination with girls and long hair. I don’t get the fascination of guys with long hair for that matter, but that’s a topic for a different day. I have shortish hair, it isn’t a buzz cut or the reverse mullet I used to rock or manly in any fashion but it is above my shoulders and I can’t put it in a ponytail. And, apparently, to some guys, I may as well be bald because if it aint long it aint hair.

My hair was longish, middle of my back give or take a shoulder slump, when I decided to get a super cute bob ala Katie Holmes. I really liked the cut plus I was applying for a job as the manager of a department and I wanted to look all professional and boss of people like and I didn’t really think my long, pigtail braids were gonna fit the bill. Besides, I never wore my hair down. Between health code regulations in restaurants and the hot as hell temperature in Florida (and the car with no ac in the hot as hell temperatures in Florida) my hair was always pulled up into some sort of ponytail. What’s the point in all that hair, all that V05 shampoo, all that Nice ‘N Easy if I have to spend 2.41 hours per day sculpting it into the perfect my-hair?-oh-my-gosh!-I-just-pulled-it-up-into-a-ponytail-hot, ass mess?

So, I cut it all off. Sadly, I couldn’t donate it to Locks of Love because I’m an ass and I have had highlights but I learned my lesson and henceforth, I will not have highlights with bleach in the event I grow long enough hair to chop off and donate. Yeah, I’m altruistic like that, I don’t mind saving $74 to help out the kids. So, the hair is short, I don’t look as young as I did with long hair but that goes with the boss of someone territory, but I like it, I have liked it for almost 2 years. Then some guy that didn’t even know me when my hair was longer saw a picture on Facebook or Myspace or Twitter or your third uncle’, neighbor’s, plumber’s, ex-wife’s, new girlfriend’s porn site and he commented that he like the long hair version of me. Better. Is that supposed to be a compliment?

Yeah, so, hey? You used to be pretty and now you’re just…bald.

Top job, jackass.

2010-01-08T21:52:21-05:00

Usually, I like the British.

mal a droit – adjective

lacking in adroitness; unskillful; awkward; bungling; tactless