Bob & Tom - Jokes

The Observant Daughter

Fri, 24 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"

Getting Airsick

Thu, 23 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

The seating arrangements on a flight put a timid little guy in a window seat next to a big guy who's in the aisle seat. After the plane takes off, the big guy quickly falls asleep. Pretty soon, the little guy starts to get airsick, but he is afraid to wake up the big guy so he can get to the restroom. Before he gets a chance to make up his mind, his stomach makes it up for him, and he suddenly barfs all over the big guy. He is horrified and immediately begins to worry about what the big guy will do to him when he wakes up. The terrible smell wakes the big guy, and he opens his eyes to find himself covered in vomit. The little guy pats him on the shoulder and says, "Sir, are you feeling better now?"

Counting Sheep

Wed, 22 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive. She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life.
While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her first good deed.
After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer, "Your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could I have one."
The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.
"637", said the blonde.
The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact number, but lived up to his bargain.
"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.
Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

The New Sales Kid

Mon, 20 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

The Entrance Exam

Fri, 17 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

When I was young and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility. One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

Buy You a Drink

Thu, 16 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A guy meets a gal in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good." she replies.
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, well that's different. Send her in."

Just Like Mom

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My dad doesn't like her."

A Vegas Accident

Fri, 10 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."
The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"
The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

Unemployed Dog

Wed, 08 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A dog goes into an employment office and asks to speak to a counselor. The counselor is amazed when the dog walks into his office and asks if the man can help him find a job.
"A talking dog!" The counselor says. "I think the Circus can find a place for someone with your talents."
The dog thinks about it for a minute then asks, "Oh really? Does the Circus needs a plumber?"

She's Alive!

Tue, 07 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

My Place Has Been Robbed

Mon, 06 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

A Pro's Advice

Thu, 02 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A man goes to a golf pro for some advice.
"Well, what should I do?" asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he took a s wing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson. The next day, the wife went for her lesson.
The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asked the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood."
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands."

Future Ex-Golfer

Wed, 01 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.

The Pocket Picture

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A man goes into a bar and drinks some ale. After every pint he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the 4th pint the bartender asks him why after every pint he pulls the picture out and looks at it. Then the man says, "It's a picture of my wife.When she looks good to me I'm going home."

The Single Shopper

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A woman was in the check-out line at the grocery store paying for her items. She bought a half gallon of milk, a small jug of juice, one loaf of bread, a pack of bacon, a head of lettuce , and a small can of coffee. Standing behind her was a drunken bum who had apparently taken an interest in the lady’s purchase.“H..h..hey...you know...what?” he slurred, “I-I-I bet you’re s-s-single.”
The lady was stunned yet impressed. Thinking there was no possible way he could gather that just by her items, she said “Why yes, I am single! But how did you know?”
“Well," he slurred again, “Because you’re ugly!”

Robert Johnson

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

I met an older woman at a club last night. This isn't usually my thing, but she was attractive enough for a 50-year-old. We had a few drinks, danced a little bit, and the next thing you know my hand was caressing her thigh and she was whispering dirty nothings in my ear. She asked me if I'd ever had a sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3-some? I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

An Angry Wife's Request

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

My wife packed all my things last night and put them in the front yard.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you miserable bastard!"
“Oh,” I replied, "So now you want me to stay!"

A Woman With a Duck

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
A drunk guy asks, "Hey you! What do you think you're doing bringing a pig in here?"
The lady turns to the drunk and replies, real snooty, "I'll have you know that this, sir, is a duck, not a pig."
The guy finishes his drink and says with a smirk, "I was talking to the duck!"

After the Exam

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A wife gets home after her annual physical exam and was passing her husband, who was watching baseball in his recliner. Without looking up he asks, “How’d your exam go?”
She stops and says, “Just fine. The doctor said I’m in great shape for my age. In fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old.”
The husband smirks and replies, “What did the doctor say about your 40 year old ass?”
She thinks for a moment and says, “Uh, your name never came up.”

The Goldfish

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A lady walks into the vet vet with her goldfish in a bowl. "Doctor. My goldfish has epileptic seizures!" she says.
The doctor looks at the fish and notes, "He looks perfectly healthy. He's swimming and strong and I see nothing wrong with him."
The distraught lady replies; "No silly. Let me take him out and lay him on the table first."

The Father of One of My Children

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't remember or place her, so he asks, "Do I know you?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table,with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

The Sick Nun

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader...
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "DON'T EVER SELL THAT COW."

Coming Home for Dinner

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.
His wife screams at him, "my hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him around for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married...."

How Many Riders

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”
The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”
The second old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”
The third old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”
The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”
The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”

Doctor's Orders

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. After the woman explained what was wrong with her, the doctor looked at his notes and gave the following advice.
"Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water," said the doctor.
"Ok," the woman answered
"Then I wand you to take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water," the doctor continued.
"Ok," the woman answered.
Then the doctor added, "Finally take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water."
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asked, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me doctor?"
"Yeah," the doctor answered, "You don't drink enough water."

A Quick Description

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

The Scuba Diver

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

While fishing an old rock quarry, I noticed SCUBA divers were diving at the other end of the pond. When I hooked a fish, one of the divers came over to watch me fight it. After about ten minutes my line became hung up. I was about to break the line when the diver said he would go down and see what I was hung up on. So in he went.
After several more minutes he came up and said, "Man ... You've hooked the biggest catfish I ever saw! Why, it’s as big as a man. But there are some old cars down there and it went inside one and hung you up."
"Well," I asked, “why don't you take a stick and drive it out of the car."
"I tried," he said, "but each time I poked at him with the stick, he rolled the window up!"

Two Little Leprechauns

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Two leprechauns walk up to the door of a convent. The first leprechaun knocks on the door and it is answered by the Mother Superior.
First leprechaun says, “So tell me then, do you have any little tiny nuns in there?”
Mother Superior answers, “No we don’t have any here.”
The first leprechaun then asks, “Are you sure you don’t have any wee small nuns in there?”
Mother Superior again answers, “No we don’t have any here. In fact there is none your size anywhere in the world!”
The first leprechaun turns to the second leprechaun and smiling and says, “See, I told you that you screwed a penguin.”

Two Old Men

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall, where a flower show was in progress.
One old man leaned over the other and said "Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For five bucks I"d take off my clothes and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
As fast as he could the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and completely naked, he streaked into the front door of the town hall.
His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause. Suddenly the old streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"Wow what happened?" asked his friend.
"It was great!" he said. " I won first prize for dried arrangment.

What is Easter?

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."