Bob & Tom - Jokes

Animals at a Bar

Wed, 23 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

One day the animals got together for a party. They went to a nice bar and each ordered a favorite drink. They spent several pleasant hours drinking, laughing and telling jokes. Finally, the check was presented to them, and they all fell silent.
"Well, I can't pay," said the duck. "All I have is one bill."
"Don't look at me, man," exclaimed the snake. "I only have one skin."
"I can't help," chirped the songbird. "My do re me is pretty low."
"One buck won't go very far," said the deer. "My doe is long gone."
"I can't hack it," complaimed the skunk. "All I have is a scent."
So it went around the table, each one explaining why he or she couldn't pay. Finally, it got to the giraffe. He looked around and sighed. "Well, I guess the highballs are on me."

Ape in the Family

Tue, 22 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A man walks into a bar carrying an ape in his arms. "I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We have no children, so he's going to live with us, just like one of the family. He'll eat at the table, even sleep in the bed with me and the wife."
"But what about the smell?" the bartender asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, same way as I did."

Angry Neighbor

Mon, 21 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

Jim was upset one morning and needed to talk to his neighbor. He went across the hall and began pounding on his neighbor's door. Ernie answer the door and saw his neighbor Jim standing their angrily and asked what was wrong.
"Your son climbed up a ladder to the second floor bathroom and was watching my wife take a shower," Jim said.
Ernie's wife walked up to see what was going on and asked if everything was okay.
"Well, honey, Jim here says our son climbed up to the second floor and was watching his wife take a shower."
"That's wonderful," the wife said. "Sounds like Joey is over his fear of heights!"

For $500...

Thu, 17 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A trucker goes into a house of Ill-repute, hands the Madam $500 and says,"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."
The Madam replies, "For that kind of money you could have my finest girl and eat Surf & Turf."
The trucker says, " I'm not horny or hungry, I'm homesick."

The Dumb Kid

Wed, 16 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

Gift for the House Painter

Mon, 14 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house.
"You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also,in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope," replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Supporting the Family

Fri, 11 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A newly engaged couple were having dinner with the bride-to-be's parents. Things were going smoothly until her father decided to find out a little more about her fiancé.
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

The Rude Receptionist

Thu, 10 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause.

The Blonde Mortician

Wed, 09 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A man who'd just died was delivered to the local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female, Blonde mortician asked the deceased's wife how she'd like the body dressed and pointed out that he looked good in the black suit he was wearing.
The widow, however, said she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and she wanted him in a blue suit. She then gave the Blonde mortician a blank check saying, "I don't care what it costs, please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
When the woman returned the next day for the wake, she was pleased to see her spouse was dressed in a handsome blue suit with subtle chalk stripe. And the suit fit perfectly.
The new widow said, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her surprise, the Blonde mortician returned the blank check saying, "There's no charge."
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit."
"Honestly, ma'am, it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead. She said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice. So, I switched heads."

Spaghetti

Tue, 08 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write, "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce"

The Funeral Procession

Mon, 07 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."

Alligator Boots

Fri, 04 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration, “Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

The Pickle Slicer

Wed, 02 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A guy comes home one day from work at the pickle factory and is very distraught.
His wife notices and asks, “Honey, what’s wrong? Was work okay today?”
“Not really,” he says. “I have a confession to make.”
His wife thinks the worse, gulps and says, “Um, okay.”
He says, “Today I had the strongest urge to stick my manhood in the pickle slicer.”
She is visibly relieved and says, “Oh, is that all? Well, just fight the urge and don’t do it."
Next day the guy comes home after work distraught again. “Same urge?” his wife asks.
“Yes”, he confesses. So she talks him out of it again.
About a month goes by and the husband comes home more distraught than ever. Before his wife can ask he says, “I was fired today.”
“You were fired?! What happened?” she asks.
“I did it, I stuck my manhood in the pickle slicer.”
She starts freaking out, “Are you okay? What…what…why would you do that?! What happened to the pickle slicer!”
“Oh, she got fired too.”

Sausage Trick

Tue, 01 May 2012 00:00:00 -0700

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said, “Hang on, I have an idea.”
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”
Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”
Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”
Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

Stuttering Cat

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand. saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary."
The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss,Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh*t,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

Alone in a Hotel

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A widow checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, great abs and she felt quite certain she he would cure what ailed her.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks!”
“We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

The New Neighbor

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ''Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears??? Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, ''Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me!"

Pregnant Wives

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, and said, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your wife. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments, a man named Wayne at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Three Legged Chickens

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

Bernard was driving along a country road when he realized he had to make a phone call. He was miles from a pay phone, so he decided to stop in at the next farmhouse he found. As he was approaching a house, he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road. He followed the chicken and clocked it at 40 MPH.
Well, when Bernie got to the farmhouse, he asked the farmer about this wonderful chicken. The farmer replied, "Well,
now, when I was at the college, I took up a'studyin' at there gee-netics. 'Round here we love chicken, and we're all mighty partial to the drumstick, so I thought I'd see if I could make me a three-legged chicken. So, there 'tis."
Now Bernie was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?"
The farmer replied, "Well, that's the durndest thing. Ah don't know. Ain't none of us been able to ketch one a the varmints yet."

Army of the Lord

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day,and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

An Old Couple in Bed

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the bedspread and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

Just Like a Dog

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

Two old guys were sitting on a park bench one morning playing checkers when a dog came by and laid down next to them and started to lick himself.
The one old man said to the other. “I wish I could do that!”
The other old man replied. “I don’t think you want to do that. That dog might bite you!”

Hands Full

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Darn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."

Old Timer's Golf

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, “Did you have a good game today?”
The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”
The second old timer, “I had the most riders ever, five.”
The third, “I had seven riders, the same as last time.”
And the last said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders.”
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had overheard the conversation, went to the pro and asked, “I’ve been playing golf a long time and I thought I knew all the terminology, but what the heck is a rider?”
The pro responded, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the cart and ride to it!”

In Case of Fire

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"Freakin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

The Blonde and the Tower

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She grabs the radio mic and frantically calls a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine,Now give me your height and current position."
She says, "I'm5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower, "Repeat after me: OurFather. . .Who art in Heaven. . . .."

The Wise Rancher

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

The Sierra Club and the U S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't bangin' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"

A Photo of Your Wife

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening.... to find two sheriff deputy's standing there.
Sir, are you married?" One deputy asked.
"Why yes," the old man replied "for 48 years."
"Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?" the second deputy questioned.
The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him.
"Sir, I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."
The old man says, "I know sir, but she's got a wonderful personality and she's a great cook."

The Government Official

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

The Blonde's Goldfish

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 00:00:00 -0700

A blonde gets carried away at a pet shop and ends up buying over a hundred goldfish. When she gets home she finds that there are so many of them that the
only place she can keep them is in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend over to see all her beautiful goldfish. The friend is impressed and remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?" "Oh, that's not a problem," the blonde replies, brightly, "I blindfold them."