Bob & Tom - Colorful Quotes

David Dyer on young love

Mon, 13 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

The only problem with this girl was the three other dudes she was sleeping with.

Tom Griswold on a News Story

Tue, 07 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

It's easier to put a mouse in your pocket than a gerbil in your... well, you know.

Jim Gaffigan on being a father

Mon, 06 May 2013 00:00:00 -0700

As a father you are sort of the Vice President of the family.

Ian Bagg to Chick after talking bad about hockey

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Enjoy your teeth for the next seven seconds, because you're going to get hit.

Nick Griffin on living alone

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

I live like a private investigator with no work.

Marc Maron on Cult Leaders

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

I have the charisma to be a cult leader, just not the vision.

Chick McGee to Tom

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0700

I'm crazy, but you're insane!

Donnie Baker on the occult

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Demons are dicks.

Bill Burr on owning a house

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 00:00:00 -0700

I had an insurance adjuster come over to my house. Guess which way he adjusted it?

Bob Kevoian after hearing that Daylight Savings Time is "Kicking Tom's Ass"

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 00:00:00 -0700

As long as something is kicking your ass, I'm happy.

The simplification of the Pope picking process

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 00:00:00 -0700

White smoke Pope, black smoke nope.

Drew Hastings on being a nipple guy

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 00:00:00 -0800

The breasts are just there to push the nipples forward.

Steve Trevino on Lance Armstrong and cycling

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 00:00:00 -0800

Why do you cheat at a sport nobody cares about?

Kristi Lee on the Swimsuit Issue

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 00:00:00 -0800

The Swimsuit Issue is the married man's Playboy.

Mike Tyson on fighting Mike Tyson

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 00:00:00 -0800

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.

Kevin McDonald on doing improv comedy

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 00:00:00 -0800

Being in an Improv troop is like being in a rock band full of sissies.

Greg Morton on changing his diet

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 00:00:00 -0800

Vegetarians don't ruin Christmas, alcoholics ruin Christmas.

Chick McGee on Barbershop Quartets

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 00:00:00 -0800

Barbershop quartets would make more money if they just threatened to go places and were paid not to.

Kevin Bozeman on gambling

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 00:00:00 -0800

I'm not saying I have a gambling problem, I'm just saying that my gambling keeps me from being able to spend time with my kids.

Drew Hastings on meeting women

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 00:00:00 -0800

I just want to meet a nice woman and then be left the hell alone.

Tom Griswold on waffles vs pancakes

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 00:00:00 -0800

I don't like waffles because you have to think too much.

Chris Porter on Tattoos

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Those tattoos aren't going to look right when you're older. Someday you're going to be Grandpa Dark-arms.

Ms Pat to Tom

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 00:00:00 -0800

If you want it, I'll wash it.

Dan Cummins on raising kids

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 00:00:00 -0800

When you have multiple kids, you love them the same, but you like one more than the others.

Sean Morey on his finances

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 00:00:00 -0800

I've gone off the fiscal cliff. I'm now in the fiscal abyss. The fiscal cliff was much nicer.

Tom Griswold on wearing a tux the "wrong" way

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 00:00:00 -0800

I guess I was a cummerbund rebel.

Ross Bennett on cooking shows

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 00:00:00 -0700

There is nothing worse than an over-cooked goat's anus.

Bob Zany on the horrible hotel where he recently stayed

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 00:00:00 -0700

The bedbugs were union, you couldn't get rid of them.

Mike Lawrence on his interesting look

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 00:00:00 -0700

I look like every person you've ever seen at a Bob Seger concert. I look like I just buried my wife.

Chick McGee on Tom being distracted

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 00:00:00 -0700

This is why we don't have scripts, you'd be four pages ahead of the rest of us.