Babble Babble!

2026-02-09T23:53:00.003+08:00

Blog,

Or chat, as the kids will call it these days - when the fck did I become so old?

Why was I so angry as a 20-year-old?

And roll on it will. Unravelling little fun size bits and pieces of hooha that make up this life - work, family, work... where the fuck will the friends go? Where the fuck will the freedom to do whatever the hell tickles our fancy at that particular moment go? What is to become of us in the future? What about our happiness? Our sense of contentment? What of them?

- 14th June 2008, the year I graduated (the first one)

So much for this lil gritty bit of early-years angst. Clairvoyant much?

The friends (the good ones) stayed close enough but perhaps not quite close enough. Everyone else disappeared into the ether vaporised like little droplets of mist floating away in the wind as the years trudged on. Some grew, some stayed where they were, some created little cosy havens for themselves (god bless them) and the rest, I mean, do we really care about the rest? Not beyond the nosy auntie stalking you on Facebook kind of way.

The freedom? Hahah. Did we ever really have any freedom in this capitalist-centric system our forefathers decided to build for us but that, dear chat, is naive a view as any as I have recently found out. Will socialism be any better? Were we really better being cash-poor but rich in everything that made us human - community, love, green spaces, blue skies, birds and the bees. Was that freedom? Did culture thrive? Or was it that other forms of storytelling that prevailed back then were not so amenable to being written down and passed to those who did not grow up in said village. That our modern generations will never understand due the prose of years past never being written down on a Google doc.

All this to say, the freedom was never truly there. It obviously went away in the definition that we mean it to be but truly, dear chat, it never really was there. Our happiness? Our sense of contentment? Here and there, sprinkled throughout like a good backstory in a well-paced novel. I've learned to be grateful for the small pockets of happiness I find here and there. For family, for loved ones, for opportunities I've had, for health, for my brain, for the ambition that got me where I am. It wasn't the easiest journey getting to here, to who I am right now. Not where I am, location-wise (no, that's boring). Where I am spiritually, yes, my dear 20-year-old, we are happy and content, ever more so than we could ever wish for, hope for, or could ever realise we deserved.

So, yes, you were right to mourn the end of an era. I loved that you were so angry back then. You were being done an injustice and you rose above it not really knowing what was beyond the gates but determined to uncover the truth like some heroine in an epic fantasy unable to sit down quietly (well, she was quiet but the anger stirred) and accept that the life she grew into was all that was available to her.

Because, right now, my cat is lounging on his window hammock grooming himself while the birds chirp outside and the wind bristles the leaves on the trees lining the back of the garden and his mane is so long he has such trouble licking it to completion and it's just the darndest sight.

2011-06-17T19:02:00.002+08:00

24 and the only thing im excited about is taking my beans out the fridge.

go figure

Kiwi Bear!

2010-12-01T20:38:00.002+08:00

Now with magical powers!
That refreshing burst of radiance!
All green with envy!
The loners and the followers.
The cream essence of pure!
The sharp prickling stripes!
One connected with another.
The sweat.
The fur coat of defiance!
The non-conformity!
Three thousand words and not one can define it!
Hidden secrets! Hidden meanings!
None of us any the wiser...
O' Kiwi Bear,
Spectacular.

Naz does Chicken Cordon Bleu

2010-11-19T23:32:00.003+08:00

Too bad all the cheese leaked out into the cream sauce. Was surprisingly yummy though for a first try. After finishing the whole dish, I just lay in bed and didn't want to get up. Lols.

Smoothies

2010-11-14T22:40:00.004+08:00

Smoothies are cool.

Throw stuff in a blender like so:

Click the speed button and then two minutes later:

And then you sit back and drink it and snigger at all the people in the world who don't have this smoothie right now like you do.

Loot

2010-11-01T16:57:00.001+08:00

2010-10-30T23:39:00.001+08:00

I'm too cynical for my own good.

Why Milk is an Unhealthy Drink

2010-08-28T00:28:00.002+08:00

I don't know but it seems to me that you can't trust anyone(thing) these days.

I do not want to live in a world where my ability to talk myself (read: crap, bullshit, twist and turn words) out of danger becomes a survival trait.

I do not want to work in an institution where people are not accommodating enough because they don't want extra work for themselves. Especially if said people/persons are suspiciously always found in the tearoom at all times of the day and are/is seen walking to and fro the said institution chit-chatting by the proverbial water cooler, not actually seen doing much work.

I don't want to see faces that smile and laugh in front of certain persons turn sour and full of spite, gossip pouring out like a burst sewage pipe, once their backs are turned. It's ugly.

It's desperation when I find an inkling of solace in the form of another teaching me to fight back against the forces that are but shouldn't be. I think I'm losing my faith in humanity that I might just need to throw myself in a jungle just to get it back full-form.

2010-07-20T10:38:00.001+08:00

There is a wall i need to break out of

2010-07-17T09:39:00.000+08:00

june 30

2010-06-30T20:38:00.005+08:00

exactly one year ago, I wrote this:

"like dangling me from a thin rope into the middle of the deepest blackest strangest ocean you can imagine and my hands slipping down inch by inch, nothing i can do about it, legs a-kicking, swinging, heart beating rapidly from imminent danger, noone, nothing, no help around me.

just me. the rope. the ocean. miles of emptiness, suffocation, black beneath me.

just one rope."

one year later, i read that statement again and am not very surprised to realise that i'm already in that sea of black. sunken in so deeply i know not how to come up. how to push against and reject all that is ugly around me. i think some months ago without even realising it, i must have slipped and fallen and now i've lost sight of the brightness, the sky, not even the one dangling rope anymore.

do i feel afraid of this realisation? maybe i should but i feel something worse. i feel there's nothing i can do or rather i won't do anything about it. like i'm suspended in the depths of that ocean, inanimated-like.

but you know an even scarier realisation is that if i stay too long in the depths of whatever this is, that maybe, one day, i won't be.

wha'chu lookin at

2010-05-27T23:38:00.001+08:00

i cannot stand this country

2010-05-27T23:10:00.003+08:00

i hate tudungs and by tudungs i mean the people who wear them.

so self-righteous. so thick face. so rude. i did not sludge through 3.5yrs of pharmacy just so i can deal with these monkeys. in fact, i'd rather deal with monkeys than deal with these inane maniacs with their claim that they are religious people and hence they are good people.

maybe they wear their tudung so that they won't feel so bad about the other hypocritical things they do and all the bitchy stuff they say. muslim my ass. your religion only teaches you to hate hate hate.

you hate the yahudi. you hate the cina. you hate the om puteh (yet secretly admire them). you hate the kristians. you hate the babi. you hate the kedai cina. you are a manipulative lazy race and you still want to be so territorial.

go burn a church or discuss about your inexplicable hatred for the yahudi or whatever it is you people do in your free time but whatever it is, i wish wish wish you all would get out of my face you are seriously ruining whatever hope silver lining traces of good morals that i can still see in this south east asian nation.

'oh, kite dah tolong buat untuk you then now you nak suruh kite beli?'

take my shit-stained tissue paper and then put on your sambal belacan.

2010-03-03T21:16:00.003+08:00

This is terrible.

I just realised if this is what pharmacy is about, and this is what it's about everywhere in the world then I don't want to practice it at all! This isn't what I studied 3.5 years for! It's not what I envisioned myself doing.

I just realised I fooled myself to fit into my own ideals, blinded myself the entire 15 months I've been working, and for what purpose?? Because subconsciously, I knew what was going on and didn't want to admit I totally picked the wrong course??

Perhaps. Perhaps I should have just gone to study psychology then maybe all this nonsense would have made better sense.

But this is it. I had hope and now it's shattered. Gone. My dreams, or maybe I never had any real dreams. Maybe I just had the idea of dreams. I picked a course based on this idea that I will have dreams and that the dreams are there and I just have to dream it or I haven't come to realise it.

Quarter-life crisis! Change career paths?? Wing it? Try to practice elsewhere?? Go with the flow?? Bum around and leech off other people's money?

How oh how did I think so wrongly about this course? Why did I think back then that it was such a great idea? Why was I so naive back then? Why did I think everyone in this world would be good to their morals and practice professionalism and politeness and goodness and all things well-being and angelic??!

All I see is this inner bitterness. This cynicism. This blind stupidity. Mindless followers of bad faith. Self-righteousness. Selfishness. One-mindedness. Are they not with eyes?? Do they not see?? Are we really that helpless against the forces of human nature? Can't we resist the habits we know shouldn't be? Is the next person really as disgusting and not worthy as you think he is? What the fuck is the difference between both of you? It makes me sick to think I'm supposed to be one of you.

So that's me in this desolate place desperate for a drink of freshness. Something to tell me that hey, it's not all that is bad. Some light on the horizon. Some angel despite the devil's horns. Maybe doomsday couldn't come any sooner for us.

2010-02-15T22:47:00.001+08:00

I can't believe they don't sell condensed milk here anymore. All that's left are sweetened creamers and whatnot. What will I make my banoffee pie with?!

Adding this to the list of reasons I should leave this country.

2010-02-12T21:19:00.002+08:00

I hate it when they give the 'it's the same everywhere' speech.

it's like they don't have hope anymore. It's like they're settling.

It's like some lame excuse just because they're too lazy to dream and be let down again.

like they don't want to accept that others might be better off than they are.

or maybe just an excuse for the drama.

don't everybody love the drama.

god awful

2010-01-12T13:39:00.001+08:00

this lack of sympathy i have

New year's eve present

2010-01-01T11:34:00.003+08:00

Eelynn was right. 2009 was CRAP. And no, I'm not gonna be positive about new beginnings because 2010 will be equally crap. But worse!

Ahhh... such negativity. I revel in it.

Oh as a new year's eve present, I received a smashed bonnet, split bumper and cracked car number plate. Smiles all around. If you aren't gonna look at your rear view mirror or side mirror before you reverse into me, are you gonna do the metaphorically equivalent to your patients?

But generalizations are the devil.

There's so much hatred and anger I haven't felt since my angry hateful high school puberty hitting days. I'm reverting to the self I despised so much back then. Easy way out. Harder to be the better man. Too much ego.

Whatever you wanna call it.

2009-12-27T22:18:00.003+08:00

The new year never feels like a new beginning to me. New year resolutions and the such, never felt like I had to make them. Although I rather enjoy seeing others going on at it.

Truth be told, I've never actually met anyone who kept to their new year's resolutions. And perhaps because most of the time, those resolutions are the boring type.

It's a quarter past ten but I feel like playing Dragon Age and washing my hair. I have anticoagulation MTAC to do tomorrow. Will I ever find my niche in this ridiculously rigid 8 to 5 job? By the time I'm home I wanna (metaphorically) bounce around and enjoy and do those mundane little things that you so often do when you have an abundance of free time.

A friend once told me her taste in books was abhorrent.

...I say, if you like it, then what's the problem?

This job, oh, this job. It is wholly my fault for not putting in enough effort. I suppose it is. It's hard to put in effort for something you feel won't have any benefit to your life in the future. It's hard to put in good effort when you know it's not your time you're wasting, ...it's the government stealing good time from you. It's so easy to feel so negative about these things.

I'm a sucker for the easy life. Even in emotions. I notice when I try, it never seems genuine enough that people see right through it.

These rants. How haywire my mind must sound. How much more sludge I have to sift through before I get to the good stuff. Presumably, there is good stuff. The yummy chocolate centre. The the the...

Oh and have I mentioned that meeting minutes are written in Bahasa Malaysia? And me, with my unnerving control of the Malay language, the way I breeze through Malay vocabulary, how the words flow like silk twined from my mind, onto the paper, just so perfect, so delightful, what a tease to the senses writing these minutes can be.

freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose

2009-12-21T21:17:00.003+08:00

i still hate this place

and most of the people that come along with it

and the bureaucracy that is it's core

i don't understand why is it that some of the most shallow people i know are in the same workplace as me

or are people just shallow in general?

where's the stuff? where's the goods magic is made of? you, as humans, are you so linear??

must you live the life society dictates to you?? are you so one-minded that as long as you're doing what others are doing, you feel content?? why do you not doubt yourself? your friends? your family even?!

why do you not doubt your countrymen?!

WHY DO YOU TAKE THIS LIFE FOR GRANTED?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

THINK!@!!!@!$# OPEN THAT WRETCHED WINDOW AND THINK FOR YOUR OWN GOD DAMNED SELVES!!!!

or are you so content and quiescent that you dare not seek out other possibilities?

whatever. whatever floats your boats ya lemmings.

paperchase

2009-12-12T14:57:00.002+08:00

Am suddenly really into polka dots and paperchase. Or rather, now I have more time (relatively) to indulge.

Am reading Jonathan Strange now and have been reading Jonathan Strange for the past month. I find it suprising that I'm actually halfway through it. I usually abandon really thick books somewhere around the second quarter. Maybe because it makes for easy-reading and I've discovered that one can blaze through so many pages when one takes their reading to the poo.

Am also experimenting with a course of cefuroxime for this nasty infection I have. Had nasty throat soreness but that got zapped with some Difflam spammed. But regarding the former, this experiment with Zinnat being an experiment because I know I'm allergic to cephalexin and cefuroxime being in the same group, I would expect myself to be allergic to cephalexin too.

Am on the third dose, so far so good. But the antihistamines I'm also taking could be suppressing any reactions for all I know.

Was, with great honour, handpicked to be secretary of this thing at work which is a laugh, really, mainly for the fact that hell, all those years of not ever being a secretary ever are really going to pay off now and also, hell, I'm prolly the laziest worker out there and all three of my clinical preceptors (who ironically, thank you God, are in this same committee with me) can prolly vouch for that. Yay me.

Meeting minutes not written up (awaiting collection of template soft-copies). Letter to HOD Ortho not written up (awaiting aforementioned). Malaysia is great that you can ask the person first whether he/she is willing before writing out the letter asking their permission. Great. Absolutely.

I can see the next three years being a blast - little morsels here and there that brighten and lend amusement to my already amusing government career.

2009-12-07T20:27:00.003+08:00

today an amy macdonald song came on bfm and it only served to remind me where i'm not.

Skullduggery

2009-12-06T13:01:00.003+08:00

I want language. I want expression. I want the world in my clenched fists. I want that unexplainable phrase at the tip of my tongue. I want to take a pen, put it to paper and have music dance out. I want this space and time to be my canvas.

I want nothing more than to blindly churn out what I feel. I want to create.

water and sprinkly stuff

2009-11-25T19:54:00.002+08:00

background noise. grinding my foot into the toe of my shoe hoping it'll break a hole in the floor. glancing at the counselling room window. furtive footsteps in to drink water. baju kurung patterns. the tolling of the electric bells.

the constant need for patience is very humbling. but why force something at the expense of the audience? what is the point of rushing through everything if nothing goes in? we might as well chuck them plastic bags (which we don't even) and off they go. and probably happier too.

22

2009-11-19T22:10:00.002+08:00

and coming to terms with the current situation.

Rather bored than stressed, right? No more U-turns.

But why should I settle!?

I find myself beginning to take comfort in traits of people which are not right, shouldn't be but is perhaps I dunno, advantageous to me in some ways?

You can't win, no matter how good you are, you can't win like that in a place where equal opportunity does not exist. (thenagain does it even?)

So much bad vibes. Or am I just kidding myself with dreams of le perfect job?

But why should I settle!?