tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46577844714522788642024-11-01T04:52:47.655-07:00BabiesSpeak Parenting Blog is devoted to reminding parents to laugh at their children.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-54619003343410574492012-02-28T19:32:00.000-08:002012-03-10T19:38:15.418-08:00

I know! I know! What is "perestroika", Alex... Parenting Tip: Once your child outgrows the phase wherein they ask you "What's that?" or "What does that mean?" about literally everything they encounter, they will begin the phase wherein they firmly believe that they know everything. Almost inevitably, this will make you miss the phase in which they ask you what things are.

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-26367160901925930652012-02-14T10:30:00.000-08:002012-02-14T10:30:01.336-08:00

Look! I'm pole-dancing just like Mommy! Parenting Tip: It is often said that babies are like sponges. This is true in two ways. First, it's true that they are likely to imitate almost anyone they come into contact with as they try to figure out the intricacies of the world around them. The second way babies are like sponges? Sometimes they're also like contraceptive sponges because they make

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-44984427286328040132012-02-12T13:00:00.000-08:002012-02-12T13:00:03.743-08:00

Hunter (at left): Sometimes I feel like we're the ones trapped in cages--prisoners of our tiny, inadequate bodies with inchoate vocal chords, wailing for an unnamed balm for our souls and for answers to the unending questions of life.      Hank (at right): Yeah, totally. Hey, do you think one of these things will try to bite my arm off if I dangle it in there? Let's find out...

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-4595770139273465252012-02-11T11:30:00.000-08:002012-02-11T15:18:08.626-08:00

Wheee! Swings are so effin' awesome! Parenting Tip: Compared to older children, babies are easily amused. Try not to think of this as the sign of their inferior mental development that it is. Instead, be thankful that they aren't (yet) demanding the latest iDoodad or eWidget that costs a month's pay. The local playground is more than enough to keep even the most demanding babies entertained

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-84698172771595947362012-02-09T08:00:00.000-08:002012-02-10T11:47:19.832-08:00

Jesus, can someone get me away from Grandpa's onion breath?  ...and if that's not onion, I really don't want to know what it is. Parenting Tip: Grandparents can be a godsend for new parents. Obviously, grandparents are all too happy to babysit since most have little else to occupy their time (and they tend not to charge for this service, unlike that money-grubbing 7th-grader down the

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-44331811995955616572012-02-04T17:00:00.000-08:002012-02-08T17:02:16.523-08:00

Hey, lemme see if your tongue comes out like your teeth do... Parenting Tip: Sure, it's cute when your baby touches your face as if trying to figure out what it does. Please keep in mind, though, that it's a very thin line between exploring and trying to rip off important parts of the aforementioned face.

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-91344003142237888682012-01-22T15:51:00.000-08:002012-01-22T15:51:00.100-08:00

I'm gonna ride this muthaf****r to Mexico! Parenting Tip: Babies and young children will often express unrealistic desires. Perhaps your child wants to be an astronaut, a movie star or work in manufacturing. As a parent with a more accurate conception of reality, it's your job to manage these expectations properly. It's a fine balance between dashing their hopes and engendering unrealistic

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-83881578816101451602012-01-20T15:28:00.000-08:002012-01-21T15:31:12.803-08:00

No. No I have not heard of Children of the Corn. I do not know of what you speak. Parenting Philosophy Corner: Because they lack empathy, compassion and any sense of justice, it may seem as if your baby doesn't have a soul. Generally speaking, this is not true. Most babies do have souls. Sure, it may not seem that way sometimes, but eventually your baby will develop some sort of conscience

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-11216160109862525962012-01-18T11:20:00.000-08:002012-01-19T11:36:30.180-08:00

Whoa, hold up, let's chill for a second. Ok, where are my pants? Parenting Philosophy Corner: It's not OK for regular people to leave the house and walk around in public while not wearing pants. So why would it be okay for a baby to do so? Are you saying that a person can go around not wearing pants simply because he wears small, cute pants. I mean, we make little people wear pants--you

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-5639463557777977272012-01-06T15:30:00.000-08:002012-01-06T15:30:01.028-08:00

Wait, let me check my watch. And by "watch" I mean "level of boredom." Yes, according to my watch it seems that it's time to go.  Parenting Tip: A bored baby is an unhappy baby. And an unhappy baby is one that makes you look like a horrible parent by wailing uncontrollably in public. Photo credit & thanks to Sarika Chawla and Aaron Rigby.

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-2309081376522827132012-01-03T14:56:00.000-08:002012-01-06T14:58:15.724-08:00

Oh man, I'm walking! Holy crap this is awesome! The process of growing up is often a double-edged sword for parents. On the one hand, the ability to walk means that you can no longer put your child down in one place and expect them to still be there when you return. Additionally, a mobile child is one that you inevitably be chasing throughout your life. On the other hand, learning to walk

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-38008154070811046872012-01-01T15:06:00.000-08:002012-01-06T15:07:40.199-08:00

No, you're f***ing wasted! Parenting Tip: Do not give your baby little sips of beer or wine, in the purported style of many French parents, thinking you're raising them to drink responsibly. Not only is it illegal, what you are in fact doing is training your baby to be an alcoholic. Or you're raising them to be French. Frankly, it's hard to say which is the less forgivable sin.

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-86015225503862735232011-12-22T11:40:00.000-08:002012-01-05T11:46:53.845-08:00

Wait... did you just say that my hair is messier than the dog's? Well whose friggin' fault is that, people? Not my fault. Not unless I can now just drive myself to SuperCuts, you cheap bastards. Parenting Tip: Since dogs will never understand what you say exactly, and can't talk back, you should probably just tell your children that you love them more than the family pet, even if you obviously

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-47709255446792215042011-12-13T09:26:00.000-08:002012-01-05T09:28:18.485-08:00

I may not be able to put a sentence together yet, but all I need is two words: F**k. You. Parenting Tip: Sometimes babies have bad days, too, just like normal adult-type people. The difference between your bad days and theirs is that they still have a chance of having some good days in the future.

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-84092188473085079882011-11-20T09:15:00.000-08:002012-01-05T09:22:50.966-08:00

Let's be honest here: this pool sucks. I am not going to have fun in an inflatable pool filled with a half-inch of water. I mean, there's not even a remote possibility that I could drown myself. Where's the excitement? Parenting Tip: Your fear of killing your baby is natural. Because your baby might die if you look away for just one second. Remember how "I just took my eyes off him for a

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-84249499907994922982011-11-10T09:02:00.000-08:002012-01-05T09:04:08.493-08:00

He can't see me eating his cake, right? What? He's not going to miss it: the cake's bigger than his head. Parenting Tip: Babies don't really "eat" so much as they "grab." And babies figure that whatever can be grabbed can be eaten, or otherwise it would run away or something. It's an evolutionary biology thing. Just trust us on this. Babies will stick whatever they can grab into their mouth,

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-47986043834630333752011-10-31T11:55:00.000-07:002012-01-05T11:56:30.697-08:00

You thought it was a good idea to dress as the gun-toting hillbilly herder of the plains and dress me as a victim of your genocide? That is really f**ked up!  Parenting Tip: Father-son bonding should occur over sports and/or beer and/or car repair. It should never involve matching outfits...unless you want your child to be in therapy for the rest of his life....in which case, it should

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-77315736667401545812011-10-15T17:02:00.000-07:002011-10-22T17:03:51.083-07:00

Okay this is annoying. Who the hell put a haybale by my playground? Not good planning, people. Parenting Tip: Getting between a baby and his playground is just asking for trouble.

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-82610179132496411832011-10-08T16:58:00.000-07:002011-10-22T17:00:01.832-07:00

Not gonna spit up, not gonna spit up ... Parenting Tip: Most babies are born with the ability to projectile vomit like something out of The Exorcist. Cover yourself appropriately.

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-14757434600602087742011-09-16T20:13:00.000-07:002011-09-16T20:13:21.749-07:00

I knew going up and down would eventually lose its thrill. I just never expected it to happen so fast. Just like adults, babies can get bored. While this may be surprising when one considers that plastic rattles, blankets, stuffed animals or even jangling keys can provide countless hours of entertainment for babies, it is true nonetheless. It is healthy for a child to lose his or her sense

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-63022825792039645702011-09-13T17:00:00.000-07:002012-01-05T12:02:31.149-08:00

Um, Mommy, I think I broke Kitty with the stick....  Parenting Tip: If you give a kid a stick, he will poke the hell out of anything nearby. And don't forget that he could at any time turn that stick into deadly projectile javelin and then giggle while hurling it at your face, the little psychopath.

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-33912597802863948802011-09-12T16:00:00.000-07:002011-09-12T22:30:38.819-07:00

WTF, you really expect me to like this? Driving a tractor in the hot sun harvesting crops? What am I, a peasant? Please note that Babiesspeak ParentBlog does not condone the idea of allowing babies to drive tractors, and this may in fact be illegal in most states. We're not sure, exactly, if it is ... we think so. It seems like it probably would be.

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-20287722369716839862011-09-11T21:00:00.000-07:002011-09-12T20:47:31.580-07:00

I am finally happy! And maybe a little drunk....

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-31544778343531533532011-09-10T20:00:00.000-07:002011-09-16T21:48:20.466-07:00

Eat your friggin' heart out, Anne Geddes. Photo by: Megan Calcara Hurtig This photo is in no way is related to Anne Geddes, is probably not endorsed or even liked by her, and we make no claim that this photograph is the work of Anne Geddes. It certainly is not. But whatever. Anne Geddes is played out anyway, and we wouldn't want to be like her even if we could, which we don't. So there. Suck

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4657784471452278864.post-51189694102448643702011-09-10T17:30:00.000-07:002011-09-12T22:43:14.072-07:00

I hope you're getting a lot of enjoyment out of the giraffe costume. I'm not really going to bother to hide the fact that I'm pretty "meh" about it. But really, it's fine. Halloween is about you.  Not children. It's about you.

Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02505737304752577046noreply@blogger.com0