Babs the Bitch

Happy Belated Birthday Chuck Dickens

2012-02-08T18:37:00.007-05:00

To: "Babs D. Bitch"
From: "Your Man Down Under"
Re: What the Dickens?
Dear Babs:
Dickens 200th birthday was Tuesday. Maybe I should try him again? I tried Oliver Twist (and something else) when I was way too young for it and came away feeling that all Dickens was depressing.

Reply to: "My Man"
Yea, Dickens is depressing, but so is life my handsome friend.

You will miss out on a lot if you don't give Dickens a twirl. For example, who but Dickens could conjure up the name "Mr. Pecksniff?" to describe a "supercilious nebbish who transmogrifies into the penultimate bloviating popinjay" [testimony of Babs in Hillsborough County Circuit Court, Fang vs. Babs, DR Case #666, 12/06].

How did Babs get so good at wordsmithing?...she bent over and enjoyed both Bleak House and Little Dorritt.

Indeed I came away from the experience (both Dickens and the Divorce) feeling like I needed to go into some kind of rehab or witness protection program, and yes, not everyone possesses the literary chops to tackle Dickens...it separates the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the Danielle Steeles from the Edith Whartons.

My advice to you... take your big Dickens with you next time you head into the bush. And don't forget to pack a post-coital smoke or two-- you'll deserve it when you're done.

You're welcome
xoxo
Babs

It went totally wrong for Wong today..."Pasco man catches fire trying to light wife on fire, police say."

2012-02-06T19:30:00.003-05:00

Never a dull moment in the Florida news cycle...Wong should have read his fortune cookie last night..."move on dot org."

"The answer...as always is in Florida..."

2012-02-04T23:12:00.000-05:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Poor Pee-Ple

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

Weekend Plans..Good Reading..."the footloose librarian obviously wasn't cut out for married life."

2012-02-03T15:40:00.000-05:00

Miami 101

2012-02-02T11:50:00.000-05:00

I had a dream...

2012-01-30T21:44:00.000-05:00

Weekend Agenda...

2012-01-27T14:13:00.000-05:00

There is no joy in a Nook

2012-01-26T16:12:00.000-05:00

Recon from the Flying J...Exit 285

2012-01-25T18:51:00.005-05:00

Hey, lil sis Mame, stopped at one of your favorite tourist spots...the Flying J Truck Stop, Exit 285 on I-75 South today. It was all happening. You woulda dug the scene. Snapped a few pics below for you...

Notes from the road:

1. I passed a conspicuously large number of unmarked rigs on the road from "Provo, UT?" After I passed 3, and noticed 3 more gassing up at the J, I thought, "are those trucks filled with bible-thumping, underwear-wearing Mormon Romney minions?" Hmm... just a personal conspiracy theory I thought I'd float...

2. Got lost after leaving this spooky/perfect gated compound by the name of "The Villages" and ended up in Coleman, FL, home of the Coleman Correctional Facility:

I felt much more comfortable in Coleman, FL than in the Villages, FL. This cool song playing on XM added to the ambiance of a lost afternoon at twilight on FL SR 301.

Open Letter to My Atheist Friends--

2012-01-23T12:04:00.005-05:00

Heard this song for the umpteenth time while getting ready for work this morning. Not only are most of my friends atheists, but my dearly beloved and departed father was an atheist. Folks I won't try to convert you to become an R.C. (only if you want to become a member of the coolest club on earth, but nobody's asking you)...so please don't try to shame me into being an atheist.

In the past 10 years I've:
--Gotten divorced twice
--Been homeless twice.
--Had $5.00 in my bank account.
--Had $150,000.00 in my bank account then lost it all by investing in high earning bank stocks circa 2006.
--Got laid off.
--Quit two jobs.
--Moved to a city where I knew NO ONE.
--My Dad died.
--My Mom died.
--Broke my ankle.
--Had two surgeries to repair said ankle.
--Spent two Christmases alone.

In the past 10 years I've:
--Fallen in love.
--Seen the world.
--Lived in paradise.
--Enjoyed life like never before.
--Spent two glorious Christmases alone.

What is my key to resiliency?
--Laughter.
--Friends & family.
--Rock N' Roll.
--Books.
--My job.
--The Internet.
--My religion.
--The delusional mojo bank account into which my parents made huge deposits of self confidence, love, if not cockiness.

I carry a teeny Bible concordance in my purse (as a ready reference source to look up how much time I'm gonna spend in hell, purgatory, limbo respectively, should I just randomly commit the sin of let's say... adultery, sloth, or not keeping the sabbath holy, etc.) and will happily show you my holy card collection if you show me yours-- but I'm not a thumping, up in your grill evangelical Christian, and I'm pretty sure I've been excommunicated at least twice.

So please don't shame me, or change me...there's just too much whimsy and magic in the universe and in our hearts for me to explain. Please don't try to save me, and I am certainly way too lazy to want to change you...but if you're interested in joining the club, I can point you in the right direction...

Sister Babs...Pray for us?? Just sayin'...I may not be your first (or last) choice, to have in your prayer corner. Thank God for the comforts of the Confessional and Extreme Unction.

Fang sighting-- Open letter to Fang

2012-01-22T15:01:00.002-05:00

Fang at the corner of Dona Michele and BBD.

Man, my ex ole man is really, really cheap. How cheap? See above-- a picture is worth a thousand words.

I pulled up to a light yesterday and there was the cad/twirp in his fugly car-- you can't miss it. Since he's gay he really ain't looking for play from the ladies, but Fang can you not upgrade your automobile?

You've got scads of inherited benjamins. I understand your tribe requires an oath of frugality, ergo the shoplifting of vitamins and soap, and that explains why you gave me a second-hand chip of diamond that required a jeweler's loop to view, and your continued wearing of stone-washed jeans, circa 1980.

But please Fang, consider, a step up. I know your ride has an optional sidecar for when you and Mom are hitting the outlet malls, but ole man, trust me on this one, small ain't necessarily good for some things...we all know what I'm talking about, Fang dear...

XOXO
and an extra hard bitch slap, and a pinch to grow an inch,
--Babs, your ex wife.

Pantheon of Pussies...

2012-01-18T19:34:00.001-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen...our newest inductee...

Captain Shittino
"I just fell into the lifeboat..."

Are you Happy?

2012-01-16T08:56:00.000-05:00

It's never too late to make a change. Babs is making some big changes!! Stay tuned for further details...

Tribute to the Andrea Doria

2012-01-15T18:55:00.003-05:00

July 25, 1956

Absolutely Fabulous 1/8/12 10 p.m. BBC America

2012-01-05T13:32:00.000-05:00

http://www.bbcamerica.com/absolutely-fabulous/

Mrs. Candy and Saturday Night

2012-01-03T22:49:00.001-05:00

On my night stand. Oy it's good!!

One evening unravels a house full of secrets. Mrs. Candy is a kind-hearted widow who rents rooms to a house of interesting boarders on New Orleans' Cairo Street in the 1940s. When she falls for one of them, she accepts dating advice from her dearly departed Mr. Candy and throws a party. Amidst visits from the police and trips to the bar, much is revealed about the drunken politician, the quarrelling lovers, the upper-class social worker, and the polite Cajun. Some will get arrested, others will get married, and one will shock them all when a carefully kept secret stumbles out.

Shite to be Scottish...except on New Year's Eve..."Donald where's yer troosers?"

2011-12-31T19:10:00.003-05:00

As many of my regular readers know, I'm not particularly fond of Scotland. Many are the factors, but most notably the climate and general third world flavor render me fetal.

It's okay I can say this stuff as I have cred--I'm almost fresh off the boat Scottish, my grandparents left the place and never looked in the rear view mirror, I have real life Facebook endorsed cousins that live there, and I spent a bit of time on the rock earlier in this century.

Well said,

However, the Scots do know how to roll when it comes to
1. New Year's Eve, "Hogmany," as it's known over there; and
2. Weddings.

Both celebrations last for days...with much merry making, wild dancing, and loads and loads of drinking. With that I wish you all a very Happy New Year. Enjoy this little bit of Scotland:

http://www.visitdornoch.com/pages/guide/webcam.html

XOXO
--Babs

2011 wasn't quite heaven. But 2012's gwan be swell.

2011-12-30T11:05:00.001-05:00

Babs how can you tell?

I little birdy came to me
He chirped this message from a tree...

"All will be well
in 2012
Things they gonna gel
you may even find a fell..."

"...Be not afraid
I think you might get laid
The past is very daid
You may not have a lotta pay
But in yo pad you're gonna stay."

"Plan A may fall through
You may have to sell a lot o shoes
On ebay the fur coat will be sold
But out of the cube you will go

Into the bright sun shine
You may have to temp as a mime
But all you've got is time
Your pals, the Saab, and a rhyme

Be of good cheer
It's a whole new year
Things are cool not queer...

Gather ye rosebuds yet my dear
The crystal ball ain't quite clear
Next year you will be freer
You can't afford a pap smear
So for breakfast have a beer."

Dance Party Prep Continues...

2011-12-29T23:33:00.000-05:00

You're invited to: Second Annual Garage Dance Party

2011-12-28T18:33:00.000-05:00

12/30/11
Babs' Hacienda
6:30 p.m. - ?

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T23:12:00.001-05:00

I miss my Mom and Dad at Christmas

2011-12-22T18:01:00.001-05:00

R.I. P. and thanks Mom and Dad for being nutty, and giving us beautiful Xmas memories.

xoxo

--Your seven children.

Jesus visits the Broncos locker room

2011-12-21T13:01:00.000-05:00

Tim Tebow SNL Sketch - More amazing video clips are a click away

Sobbing for Saab...

2011-12-20T11:08:00.000-05:00

"Saab still has its fans. What other 50-year old car can you rally-stage with no modifications except an extra spare tire and electrical tape on the headlights? What other 1980s car will run for 200,000 miles on the original engine and transmission without ever being apart. What other 2000's used car will accelerate 30-70 faster than a Porsche 911 turbo for less than 10,000 dollars and still give you 32 mpg? Yes, it's quirky. Yes, it's funky. Yes it smells weird when you run the heater too long (carbon monoxide anyone?). But when you need to get home in a snowstorm at 3 in the morning after four beers, three shots and dancing like a fool for four and a half hours, Saab will do it for you and then start in -4 degrees Fahrenheit for work the next morning. We will miss you, our Scandinavian friend." --anonymous

I too will miss my Scandinavian friend. I have really loved my Saabs. I know cars don't have souls, but my Saabs have taken me to wonderful places, protected my children, given me freedom, given me mojo, and were totally drivable with a horrifically broken right ankle. Not to mention the "people of Saab" who always went that extra mile. This bankruptcy upsets me as much if not more than General Motors.

Lit up and listening to the Blues

2011-12-19T20:09:00.003-05:00

Mame this is what I'm wearing to pick you up at the airport (above).
Please coordinate accordingly.

Babs had an egregiously horrific day... i.e. couldn't stop crying at work... techno-thwartage sent me into a tailspin. So how to offset a horrible day (had to use my new lacy shrug to sop up the snot)?

1. RETAIL THERAPY!!
I purchased matching dresses for Mame and me (lil' sis) to sport over the holidays.

When we were the adored, spoiled, and pampered only children, (prior to the addition in rapid succession of 5 screaming, pooping, puking babies to our happy family) our mother used to dress us in matching dresses ala Sally Draper (see below), and we thought we'd resurrect the whimsy and see what the response is..."I plead guilty your honor of trying to attract attention."

"Hey let's go bike riding, drink from the hose, listen to the Beatles in my basement, and play Barbie."

2. BLOG... I'll keep you posted on the shenanigans of Mame and Babs as they cut a (possibly ridiculous) swath across Tampa Bay in their matching ghetto fabulous ensembles over the Holidays. Could be really cool or really queer.

3. CORK a bottle and listen to the Blues....

http://www.myspace.com/music/player?sid=84139820&ac=now

4. TAKE a happy pill (just one) ...

And remember as Scarlett O'Hara always said "tomorrow is another day."
xoxo
Babs