Babygirl Goes To Prom

I not Against I

2008-07-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

You know how I said that I didn't know what to do in my life? I know now. Life is about goals. I have goals now. Of course I've had goals in life before, but now it's like these goals are great. I love myself. It took me years to accept myself as I am. This revelation is quite hard to explain. The majority of my life was spent criticizing myself and feeling inadequate. I wasn't good enough to do or accomplish anything.
The only other experience I can compare it to was falling in love with Inez. All the bad experiences I ever had in life paled in comparison to the experience I was feeling then. I was grateful for all the bullshit because it brought me to him.
That's was this is like except like to the max.
I found myself again. The person I was always meant to be. I'm good and great the way I am. I can accomplish anything.
I've decided to be the most amazing, accomplished person and go to Columbia University in the City of New York by any means necessary.
That's the what I'm going to work for and I'll do my best to get it.

also, I'm going to marry Ezra Koenig. i kid. i kid. ;p

Burnin' Down The House

2008-07-01T17:35:00.000-07:00

The bathroom in my house caught on fire on sunday. Things turned out alright, but it was some scary shit. That's kind of a metaphor for everything in my life now a days. ....

Better

2008-06-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

Everything has been extraordinarily odd. I feel like garbage. I'm coming to terms with a lot of things. I don't know why everything just feels like the world is going to open right up on me. Bleh.lsjfljfowejlflfj

I'm not crazy about life anymore. I'm just suffering these bouts of on/off depression. hopefully I will feel better in time.

i still miss that son of a bitch.

alsljflsjflsjfljl

that will be fixed soon.

A Million Ways To Be Cruel

2008-06-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not even going to pretend that I know one single thing of what I am doing. I so don't. I'm not going to summer school. I was rejected. With that said, I'll be attending community college. I really need to figure out what has happened to me over this year. Everything went so fast....It's like nothing stopped,just kept going. like some great, gigantic roller coaster. The kind usually reserved for Dr.Seuss stories. This summer will be one of discovery. Discovery of who I am,what I want, where I need to be. Where I'll go. I guess I'm just a basket case. Whatever the case may be, I seriously need to do some soul searching. I don't know who I am anymore. I lost myself a very long time ago. That human I used to be who was just content to watch movies, read books, and listen to music. Why was I so ashamed of that? I need to love myself again. Not love other jackasses who infuriate me and break my heart even after I'll never see them again.
I'll never see Inez again. I love him. I really do.I miss him. He pisses me off like no other human being ever will. I hate this feeling. I hate thinking of him constantly. It's been 3 months. Why can't it just be gone from my brain? I suppose it's meant to linger in the heart.

Yesterday was the last day of school. I was walking from Gibson's to the bus and I had this oh,shit moment. That path I used to walk with Inez all year. That path I used to go from Devoe's last year nad that path is where I had many moments over the past 3 years. School is almost done. My high school memories were being packaged into a neat little box. They were no longer continuing. I guess I'm growing the fuck up. I used to feel like I was going to stay 15 forever and high school would never end. It's ending already. That was a freaky thought.

I'm starting to read again. I shall finish on the road AND I finished The Glass Menagerie. I also fully intend on writing some short stories.blashlshljlajljlfjlfjsjf

Til next time.

All is Full of Love

2008-06-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

"Only love interest me, and I am only in contact with things I love."-Marc Chagall

3 is the Magic Number

2008-06-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

3 months single. 3 months in confusion. 3 months of discovery. i'm done with being in mourning. i'm soooooo much better than that. the world is getting much easier. much better. everything is alriiiiiiiiiiiigt.i'm out of love. i'm into being by myself. omg,this creepy little kid gave me a letter as I was walking home. Like,no,ewww.I dont mess with 8th graders. I'm 17,you're 13. No. Like that was ever going to happen.It wasn't.I'm not being mean. I just don't play with fools.
Especially when there's no chance in the world of anything happening. that would be super fucked up. Here are my reasons for saying no.

i'm still in love
i have no desire to be in any relationship
you're 13
i'm 17
i like 'em a little older
let's get real kid
i'm not attracted to you.
not even slightly.
im mean.

now i have to find a new route home.

Changes

2008-05-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

Life is one of those really shitty things. It never really gets any better. One minute you're feeling great, the next life is absolute ruin. I actually feel kind of good. not as the pic indicates.i'm not in a sad mood. i'm not mad. i just feel lousy. I don't why.i'm reading a great play right now. The Glass Menagerie. It's like a total mirror of the relationship my mother and I have. Do I ever, ever feel good? I don't think so. jflshflhdslfhlfhehelfheljlhf. Plz, let me grow up. dlpplease.
i'll regret that wish one day. One day.

My name is Debbie and I'm an Idiot

in a good way of course.

Sucks To Be You

2008-05-20T20:18:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the Avenue Q reference. djlsflsd lame lame lame. i need to go to an outside performance. outside being outside the school. where do i go? i don't know. i have no money for salute. that sucks. god. lfjlfjelflefljfljflj i feel plain icky. i'm on the road to recovery and it's all good. well not good but A-OK. lfslf
til tomorrow.

Golden

2008-05-19T16:49:00.001-07:00

life is sooooo wierd. everything i was changed, everything i am is going to change. every 5 years ppl change. like a lot. wiser, smarter, and less of jerk off than they were before. i didn't know how i was going to be from 10 to 15. i had no idea. now i know.so when i'm 20 i'll be able to look at 16 and be like "oh wow, i was such a little, pathetic bitch." not in bad way, though. that's part of growing up. everyone will be mortified at their past. i'm so looking forward to that. i hope that one day everything will be so much better. i hopes. yippie. fhshwhreshesfhe. ok .

today was ok. nothing special to report. im going to be great.

i'm golden.

Wisdom

2008-05-12T18:11:00.000-07:00

she is so wierdly brilliant

Extraordinary Machine

2008-05-12T17:31:00.000-07:00

life feels like a miillion times easier. high school is like so over. i'm just dying to be done with this already. there's a quote from My So-Called Life where Rayanne's mom tells Angela's mom that there is always that person in high school who is like the light. That person is so much more interesting than anyone else. They're the reason you go to school in the first place. Or something like that...
I need a person like that. i wanna be like that for someone. jljglfdjgldglfjlj. i guess Im dreaming or something.AP test was done on friday. it was pretty easy. i'm ballin' in monay now.ljslfj. i saw my dad.it was totally wierd. like the most foreign feelings and memories flooding me at the same time. oh wells. i think i'm over inez. finally. i finally see right through it. it's over. it's gone. nothing can be done. i think that thought is what's helping me. oh wellz. these days are pretty easy and i'm going to enjoy it. ;p.
Road To Joy-Bright Eyes
8th grade status!. Beautiful song, though.
I Believe (When I Fall In Love)-Stevie Wonder
great song. introduced by High Fidelity

Vampire Weekend

2008-05-12T17:26:00.001-07:00

This weekend has been all wierd. Like everything went so fast. yippie, i'm so over now.

The End Has No End

2008-05-05T16:54:00.000-07:00

I feel so icky. all my feelings feel like a gigantic mess. i don't know what to do anymore. everything is just so awful. i'm dying to finish high school already. i'm just so over it. college feels like forever away. i have the AP test on friday. yaya!actually no that sucks. everything feels so stressful and yucky. jljlshflshflehlehfkshflsf. i need love. i need help. prom was on saturday. BABYGIRL did not attend. that was a shitty day for me. i didn't want to go through the process of depression and crying so i took 2 sleeping pills and knocked out from 8 P.M. to 10 A.M. the next morning. God. I hate this. I want him so bad,it's driving me mad. I want to be over it,I do, but it hurts so much. Is this growing up? I don't like it. It sucks. The only good thing about this break up is that I finally understand what all the movies, songs, and other art about heartache is about. You really do feel your heartbreaking and it sucks like forever and ever. I wish I could've broken up with him. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad..It's not that I'm hurt, I'm just confused. That's all I feel these days. Confusion. When will it be over? I hate thsi damn angst.
I miss the old days in a way. I'm watching Lizzie McGuire right now and all those old memories are flooding back. If you believe,we've got a picture plan. weill i don't.

The Beatles-Help!. mp3 Please?
The Pack-In My Car. mp3 this song is just bomb.

Just Like Honey

2008-04-29T16:54:00.000-07:00

i feel like yuck.Today is ok. I'm ok. Nothing is really interesting or spectacular. I'm totally going to forget today. Nuttin' interesting. Testing was boring as usual. More tomorrow. Yayyyyyyy!!!!!!! I'm like semi worried about school. I'm trying to not let it get me down. Lllljslfjlsjflsjfls. I just feel like shit in a way. Everything just feels so monotonous and blank. I'm a blank slate now.

This picture is from the movie
Marie Antoinette.
It's a really awesome movie. I love Sophia Coppola's depiction of the late French monarch. I've heard ppl say the movie is boring,but it's so not. The film is conceptually and visually beautiful. Marie isn't the villain in the film, but the heroine. She's just a confused teenage girl who grows up to become the most hated woman in Europe without ever even trying. This film really changed my mind about her. She's a beautiful character. At least in the film.

I sort of connect to her. I'm a lot like Marie in many ways. In the selfishness, the triviality, the confusion, the depression, and the silliness.
I hope I just don't grow up to get my head cut off my a guillotine.

Here's a song to describe my boredom

MP3: Adam Green-Morning After Midnight. MP3

She & HIm

2008-04-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

Y'all better move the fuck out. Johnny Come Lately is here to spread sum hype.

Omg. Like awesome. Zooey Deschanel and M.Ward still seem like wierd combo. They're still great though. the chick from Elf and that Dude from all the indie records. Everyone says that Zooey has like Judy Garland type of voice, but I myself sense a more Patsy Cline/Loretta comparison. They're so sweet and good. There aren't a whole lot of acts who do their sort old,folksy,soulful music and for a lover of those genres She&Him is a real treat.

I Should Have Known Better.mp3-She & Him

Carry That Weight

2008-04-28T17:21:00.000-07:00

I feel so strange. Like everything in the world is on my shoulders.

I hate this. God, I just wanna shake it all off. Bleh,bleh,BLEH. Bleh,BLeH,BlEh. I just feel like crap. All gross and everything. I just want to go to the carnival where teenage give carnies head for free hits of pot. I'm watching Juno currently. I saw it like forever ago, but now I'm watching it on the t.v. and listening to Bikini Kill. I really want to grow up. I'm like so over high school. It's just so bleh and boring. God,spare me. We had the CSATs in math. Sooooooooooo boring. Compostion is so boring. I may very well leave. I've been on quite a few suicide trips lately. Things just suck so bad. I'm ready for this year to just be done with. Sick of this shit. Gawd. :c. I have chemistry homework and history homework. Icky,icky,icky. I hate school. I'm like so over it. i'm like so over everything so it seems. whatever.

I need a Paulie Bleaker. If anyone knows one please send him my way.

XOXO-"Gossip Girl"

Sea Change

2008-04-27T14:01:00.000-07:00

Today is the day of Coachella Festival. I shall not attend. I never get to go. Every year I wish upon a star that I'll find a way to get in. The wish never goes fulfilled. Yesterday was the only way I wanted to go. Like omg, M.I.A. and Rilo Kiley were there.Like seriously,my 8th grade heroes. I had to see them. Lack of money,rides, and other malarkey made this goat unattainable. W/e. My time shall come one day. My time shall come. I feel kind of okay. Everyday is getting easier. I'm getting happier. That shall all change come tomorrow. School is super,hardcore stressful. AP exams, charity, and lying are not becoming of me. No joke.

Oh yeah, I finally undestand this song. I never really did before. It's like I understand all heartbreak albums now. Regina Spektor's Begin To Hope makes so much fucking sense. It's like not even funny.

A Man, Me, Then Jim.mp3 by Rilo Kiley

Babygirl Will NEVER Go To Prom

2008-04-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

inez and i broke up. March 13 I believe. It was tough for me. I never went through that process of losing my best freind and boyfreind all at once. Things have really changed for me. We aren't really freinds anymore. He doesn't really talk to me. I make attemps, but these attempts are all futile. I was really, super sad about it. It was all i thought about. Constantly. What did I do? What did I do wrong? Those thoughts were all that haunted my mind. i binged, cried, and beat myself up over it. This process lasted a month. I think I'm over it now. I think. Then this happend, sort of:

i was like totally over it. I'm done. He asked a freind of his to go to prom with him instead of me. i had to hear it from guys in 1st block. It really hurt my feelings. He had so much as asked me a year ago if i wanted to go with him. he knew i wanted to go. he knew it. I cried about this too.
Then i decided I didn't give a fuck. Not in a mean way either. I don't really care anymore. I am my own person and I'm about to go on my first rights of passage to adult womanhood. I'm going to dye my hair and aquire a new wardrobe after this tough time.
Everything is gonna be A-OK.

Alone,Together

2007-12-31T19:40:00.000-08:00

as everything I need is denied me
and everything I want is taken away from me
But who do I got to blame?
Nobody but meI don't wanna be a old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the good life

That's a Weezer song. Duh Debbie!You're such a fucking loser

Kate Nash Is A CutiePie

2007-12-29T15:42:00.000-08:00

She's been around since like forever. I've only recently given her a chance and she is awesome. She's a really neat mix between Jenny Lewis/Regina Spektor/Fiona Apple/Lily Allen/slfshflkehflkehflshfleflh. I think you get it.She's pretty cute and neat.Her songs are nice and but have some shock in them like Foundations

Then I'll use that voice that you find annoyin' And say something like:"Yeah,
intelligent input, darlin' Why don't you just have another beer, then?"normal so far
Then
you'll call me a bitch Whahhhh?And everyone we're with will be embarrassed And I won't
give a shit dang
This stuff is nothing new following the explosions of the Amy Winehouses/Lily Allens of the world,yet what makes Nash unique is that she isn't a tough girl like those artists. Nash is just a normal girl who goes through the normal bullshit that other girls through.It's really neat and honest. Also it's really cute and folky *embarrassed emotion*
Okay well here is her big,gigantic hit Foundations

Best Songs of '07 Vo.2

2007-12-28T13:06:00.000-08:00

Some other songs.Remember these aren't necessarily songs that came out this year but songs that I heard and liked this year.
05 All My Friends.mp3 LCD Soundsystem
I wouldn't trade one stupid decisionfor another five years of life
My Little Japanese Cigarette Case Spoon
let all my memories be gone
Black Flowers Yo La Tengo
You can dip your brain in joy/When you find the real McCoy
All My Freinds Franz Ferdinand
Butter A Tribe Called Quest
I got the crazy game and yo, I'm smooth like butter
Teenage Whore Hole
Get out of my house!
Shady Lane Pavement
Oh my God, oh your God, oh his God, oh her God
D.A.N.C.E. Justice
Do the D.A.N.C.E.1-2-3-4-5/Stick to the B.E.A.T./Get ready to ignite
Homecoming Teenagers
I fucked my American cunt
Just Be Yourself,Baby Pipettes
Look him in the face and tell him that you're leaving
Catch Hell Blues White Stripes
If you're testin' God you're gonna catch Hell
You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb Spoon
Oh, so there you go again out in your dressing gown/Get yourself to bed,
blow out that cherry bomb
Heavy Weather Jarvis Cocker
Stormy weather always makes me think of you

Waiting For Seven and the Other Songs

2007-12-27T18:31:00.000-08:00

howdy. There's tons of more mp3s I'm going to put up.All I'm waiting for is 7. At 7 I can call Inez.

Here are some things I'm currently interested in/want/blahljlalbhjljfd

I really want some new clothes.I hate all my clothes.

I'd like bright blue tights,more flats,bright blue sneakers,some neat shirts and whole butload of other stuff. oh yeah and a white scarf.

thisis basically what I want

as far as fashion goes

I need like to get a job or someting.I'm collecting change to pay for myAP exam.

Oh yeah I haven't spoken to my daddyin over a year.What afucking douche bag he is.grrr.

School is ok I guess.

ap history is as good as italways is. English is always fucking ridiculous.Ohtheplay

The Good,The Bad,and The Grinch

that was the play stupid Billy was always harrassing me about.Apparently I wasn't coperating?

WTF?Chicken Little was the best thing about that goddamn play.W/E.
Gay guys sometimes need to srlsly chill the fuck out.There was no exec from NBC who was going to come.Billy got that stupid idea from some asshole on an C-SPAN PSA tour that stopped by our school.Give.Me.A.Break.Anyways...I sparkled and shined on that stage.I was awesome.

Some other things before the clock hits 7. um I like the color blue as you can tell.I have delicious Andy's chicken salad before me and ummmmmmmmmm Have a good one til the new year internetz!I'll be back with songs and new year's resolutions.

You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore

2007-12-27T18:13:00.000-08:00

There's nothing fun anymore.Life is extraordinarily bland.bleh.How was christmas?I went to my grandparent's house and hung out with the familia. Basically it was boring. All I did was play Connect 4 and Chutes and Ladders with my baby cuzs while the cuzins my age smoked a joint in front of the house.I refused to be part of such tom foolery.I have to work on my history day project.I still haven't found a good present for Inez.I think that makes me a cunt.I don't feel totally awesome today.Everything feels like I'm going through a slow,downward spiral.dang this a pretty old pic.I took it freshman year.14 years young.Alas those were the days when I was a better person.

Songs of '07 1

2007-12-25T15:39:00.000-08:00

Just some bomb songs I found this year.

The Turn-M.I.A.

Love Is A Losing Game-Amy Winehouse

Dejalo-Rilo Kiley

The Limit To Your Love-Feist

Suck My Left One-Bikini Kill

Best of '07 Movies

2007-12-24T13:55:00.000-08:00

Science of Sleep rulz.

Great movie.

Transformers

sucked.

Control

So fucking great.