Baby Macie

Sweet 16

2026-10-05T10:08:08.396-05:00

October 6th. The day I became a mom. 🩷

And this Tuesday, you would be 16.

Sixteen years ago, you made me a mom. I had no idea then that I would only get 111 days with you. I didn’t know that I would spend the rest of my life loving and missing a little girl who was here for such a short time, yet somehow changed every single part of who I am.

I wonder about you all the time, but birthdays make me wonder even more.

Who would you be today? What would you look like? Would you look like me? What would your voice sound like? What would make you laugh? What music would you love? Who would your friends be? What would we argue about? Would you be excited to drive, or would I be the one terrified to hand you the keys?

Who would my little girl be at sixteen?

I would give anything to know.

There are so many milestones I have imagined you reaching over the years, but sixteen feels different. Sixteen is supposed to be such a big beginning. Driving. Independence. High school. Friends. Dreams about your future. Watching my little girl slowly become a young woman.

I should be watching you become her.

I should be taking pictures of you. Embarrassing you. Watching you blow out sixteen candles. Hugging you a little too long because somehow my first baby is growing up.

I should know the sixteen-year-old you.

Instead, I have spent sixteen years wondering who she would have been.

And sometimes I wish this version of me could go back and hug that version of me—the mom who had no idea how she was ever going to survive losing you.

I could go back and read all those old blog posts and see just how broken I was. I could read my own words and see the grief, the anger, the questions, and the desperate need to somehow make sense of something that would never make sense.

But I don't need to.

I know how different I am. I know how much I have grown. I know how much I have evolved.

That version of me knew she wanted your life to mean something. She knew she wanted to make a difference because of you.

And I have.

I wanted to write articles that might help someone else, and I have.

I wanted to be part of organizations that could truly make a difference for babies and families, and I have.

I wanted to take the worst thing that had ever happened to me and somehow turn some tiny piece of it into something that could help someone else.

And I have.

There are also things I have done that I will probably never put my name on. Things people may never know I had a hand in. Because none of this has ever been about recognition or making sure people know what I did.

I don't do it so people remember my name. I do it so they remember yours.

If something I say, write, advocate for, support, or quietly help change can protect one baby, educate one family, or make something better than it was before, then it matters.

I can't change what happened to you.

But I can keep trying to change what happens next.

And every time I have the opportunity to do that, I carry your name with me—even when no one else knows it.

I wish I could hug that broken version of me and tell her about everything we've done in your name. The people we've met. The families we've helped. The conversations we've had. The awareness we've raised. The changes we've helped make.

I wish I could tell her, “You did it. You took all of that love you didn't know what to do with and found somewhere to put it.”

And then I would tell her something else:

We're not done yet.

The next thing I'm working toward is taking this advocacy beyond the United States and hopefully becoming involved with SUDC UK.

Because SIDS and sudden unexplained childhood death aren't defined by borders. Grief isn't defined by borders. Families all over the world are asking the same impossible questions and living with the same unimaginable empty spaces.

Am I qualified to be part of something internationally? I don't know. That question almost stopped me from even applying.

And then I thought—why not? What exactly am I waiting for?

Sixteen years ago, I didn't know how to do any of this either.

I was simply a mom who loved her daughter and desperately wanted her life to matter.

So I applied.

Maybe it becomes the next chapter of what I get to do in your name. Maybe it doesn't. But I know I would rather try and be told no than spend my life wondering what could have happened if I had just been brave enough to say yes to myself.

For everything I have been able to do in your name, I am eternally grateful. It is one of the greatest honors of my life to be your mom and to continue carrying your story into the world.

And there is still more work to do.

Safe sleep matters. Education matters. Awareness matters. Research matters. Babies' lives matter. And I am not done yet.

So I carry you through every milestone you don't get to have. In the work I do. In the people I try to help. In the way I love your sister. In the person I have become because I was lucky enough to be your mom. And in the 111 that will forever be a part of me.

Time has taught me how to live while missing you. It has taught me that grief and joy can exist in the same heart and that life somehow keeps moving forward even when part of you will always wish you could go back.

But time has never taught me how to miss you less.

You will always be my daughter. My first baby. The little girl who made me a mom. One of the greatest loves of my entire life.

111 days.

That's all I got.

And somehow, those 111 days gave me a love big enough to last the rest of my life.

Happy Sweet 16 in Heaven, Macie. 🩷🎂🪽

I would give anything for just one glimpse of the sixteen-year-old you. To hear your voice. To see your smile. To wrap my arms around you and tell you how incredibly proud I am to be your mom.

But if I could have anything in this world, it wouldn't be just one more day with you.

It would be all the days we were supposed to have.

All the birthdays.
All the ordinary Tuesdays.
All the milestones.
All the growing up.
All of it.

I will spend the rest of my life wondering who you would have become, loving you, saying your name, and finding new ways to make your little life matter.

111 days with you.
16 years of loving you.
A lifetime of carrying you with me.
And I'm still not done. 🩷

Back to School for the Child Loss Parent

2019-08-15T19:36:00.003-05:00

It’s mid August in Nebraska which marks another school year starting. To some it’s the thrill of having their kids gone all day so they can get things done at home. To others it’s the stress of wondering if their child is making friends, behaving, and understanding the material; however, to the bereaved parent it marks another anniversary of not having a First Day of School picture. I see you. I hear you. I feel it too.

I think about another school year starting, specifically 3rd grade. I walk through Target seeing all of the school supplies, the Back to School display with shinny backpacks, thermoses and lunch boxes. There’s so many choices, a lot more than I had to choose from when I was starting 3rd grade. It’s almost too many choices. From animals, sparkles, super hero’s, sports teams, Disney characters, and plain ones; I look at them all, wondering.... Would Macie would have wanted everything princess like her little sister or would she be a “tom boy” wanting everything Cornhuskers like her daddy? We live in Nebraska and everything is Go Big Red in our house.

Then I stroll over to the supplies, there was always something about a freshly sharpened pencil and the smell of the paper of a new notebook that excited me when I was little. The brand new markers that are so new the caps are still hard to take off! I’ve always had a passion for learning and a love for “school” supplies and at 35 this hasn’t changed. I’m still a book nerd. I wonder if she would have had my love of learning? If she’d be excited to pick out supplies? If she’d have a preference for a freshly sharpened pencil or mechanic pencil? Things that seem so simple to parents. Things that most parents may even rush through. It’s okay.

I wonder who her teacher would be? What school she’d attend? Would we have moved back from Lees Summit if she hadn’t passed away? The truth is, as much as I love being back home in Nebraska, I simply do not know. I wonder who her friends would be and what’d they’d be like? Would she be into wearing dresses or athletic shorts? Would the first day of school be as monumental to her as it was to me? Would she have to try everything on to make sure she had just the right outfit for the first day? Would she let me walk her in on her first day or tell me good-bye from the sidewalk while she ran independently inside to her class?

I want to hug my 3rd grader and to hear all about her day. To see if she liked her teacher. To ask the daily question "what was the best part of your day today Macie?" and "what was the worst part of your day Macie?". If Maxene learns one thing from me, I hope it’s to find the good in people, in every situation, in all of life and everything in general. You may have to really look to find the good, but it's always there just below the surface, waiting .... I digress, we’re talking about my other daughter Macie.

I’m always going to wonder because Macie died. The day she died part of me died as well. A part of me that hasn’t come back to life just yet and probably never will; there is forever this tiny little void that is empty in my heart, for that is the spot where Macie's love lived; the very essence of me that was all hers .... and it is forever gone now. The day she died all of my hopes for her died. My dreams for her. My plans for her, plans that she probably would have changed because let’s face it she’s my kid.

I am learning that it is okay to long for her, to cherish her memory, to mourn her memory, and most importantly to simply miss her.

With all of this said, here is what the take away is: Enjoy the small things because when you look back they truly will be the BIG things. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life it’s okay to take that extra minute to enjoy the moment. Cherish it! Give that extra hug or kiss, give two or three! Take the picture, take a hundred of them! Capture that moment, remember it, love it and share it!

There will be a graduation day in 2029 and there will be one missing ... remember her, say her name ... Macie. And, please say a quick prayer of comfort for us as well.

All my love,

Forever Macie’s Mama.

My should be 3rd grader.

Forever 3 months and 19 days.

Class of 2029.

Elkhorn

2016-06-22T13:39:00.000-05:00

I took Max to music class last night in Elkhorn. Driving in Elkhorn and seeing all of the blue ribbons for Lane pulled at my heart. I love how the community came together and rallied for this family, it makes me honored to be from a state and a community that is genuine with true Midwest charm. I’m proud to be a Nebraskan. I was overcome with emotion and couldn’t help but cry for that family, for that mom. In the English language there are orphans, widows, widowers, but there is no word for a parent who loses a child because that is how horrible the loss is. When you lose a child you are haunted with a lifetime of wonder and ‘what if’s’.

To that mom- You don’t know me, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to live through this nightmare. I’m sorry you have to discover a strength within yourself you may not have known you had. I’m sorry your life will always be defined by before and after the day your son died. I’m sorry you have to learn a “new normal”. I’m sorry you have to sit in his room knowing he will never sleep in his bed again. I’m sorry you are going to look at his toys and remember the joy they brought him and the pain it’s going to cause in your heart. I’m sorry for the physical pain you will feel in your arms because they are now empty. I’m sorry you had to live through burying your child. I’m sorry you’re never going to experience his first day of kindergarten, graduation, his wedding, his kids, and all of the other milestones… there are so many things people can say, but I’m just so sorry. I have cried for you, hurt for you, and prayed for you.

There are going to be days when you want to punch something- do it. If you want to sit in a closet to hide and cry- do it. If you want to blare music or scream at God- do it. No one can tell you “the right way” to handle this situation because how you need to process this tragedy is the right way, remember that. It’s sad, but we live in a world where everyone thinks they are the perfect parent and it is OK to blame or shame other parents, ignore them. The most flawed individuals are the quickest to point fingers and blame others.

As the days pass I will always pray for you and I pray God wraps you in his arms as everything is felt and just holds you close.

Take Care,
Lisa

Far too LONG!

2016-05-12T23:05:00.001-05:00

Hey Friends,

I know there has been a lot of time that has passed, but I have thought about writing so that counts...right? Maybe? Ok, ok I know it has been FAR too long! Luckily most of you are friends with me on Facebook so you know I have been busy with Miss Max and she is getting busier each day.

So Max arrived 9/22/15 at 4:24pm weighing 8 pounds 1 ounce and 21 inches long. She came into this world showing her personality from the start. If she is upset about something she is not afraid to let you know and will continue to let you know until it is fixed. I think she is going to be a very strong willed little girl, but we shall see!

When I was pregnant with her I prayed a lot asking God to have her features resemble what I needed in my heart. I had no idea what was going to help my broken heart. Some days I wanted her to look just like Macie and other days I wanted her to look nothing like Macie, therefore I prayed. There were so many times I remember being home alone and just getting on my knees and praying and having long conversations with God about guiding me and helping my heart and for him to give me strength and the tools I needed to be the best mom I could be for Maxene. To say I was scared might be an understatement. I don't think I have ever been so terrified of anything, in my life, as I was when I was pregnant. I mean lets face it, Max was my 3rd pregnancy and she is my only living child. I think worrying and being scared was justified.

When Max arrived I cried, a lot. It makes me teary eyed just thinking and reminiscing about the day she joined us. Yes I was in pain, but nothing I hadn't experienced before or couldn't handle. I just remember the first time I saw her I was so happy that I was bursting at the seams and my hormones were a little out of wack so instead of just smiling and being happy, I cried. I couldn't believe it, she was here. All of the tears, false pregnancy tests, miscarriage, mixed emotions... SHE WAS HERE! My rainbow baby.

Max will be 8 months on May 22nd (I feel like time is flying!), I love watching her discover and learn new things. It's so fun watching her get excited over colors or certain toys. With as much as I love it, I would by lying if I didn't say it can be hard. It's difficult experiencing first hand what I missed out on with Macie. I wish Macie was here to be my little "helper" and for Max to look up to her big sister and so they could be best friends, but do their normal sibling bickering. Yes I'm wishing I had children that were bickering. :)

I'm sure there is plenty more to say, but that I all I have for tonight and I promise to start writing again more frequently!!

Take Care,
Lisa

July 15th

2015-07-15T10:43:00.000-05:00

Hey Friends,

Sometimes I hate the fact that I’m really good with dates. A year ago today is when I felt every emotion one person can feel. I woke up ecstatic and by the end of the day my heart was broken because I would soon find out I was going to miscarry. I have been very open about my child loss journey from the beginning and today is just another day that will forever leave an imprint on my heart and the wonder of the unknown or what could have been on my mind. I should have a 4 year old and 4 month old in the back of my vehicle when I’m driving down the road, but I don’t. I should have a house full of a little girls laughter and hearing baby giggles, but I don’t. And even though I don’t have those things I try my best daily to never throw a pity party either. I never want anyone to feel sorry for me, I was chose to live this life and I do it to the best of my ability.

Until you have been through something like this it is impossible to explain and there’s no way to know how strong of a person you are until you are smacked in the face with tragedy. While I can’t explain why I can tell you that I definitely have a desire to be strong all the time and never show weakness. I never want to have the reputation of being “the mom that lost it”. I have and will always be the one to put on a strong front even if I’m dying on the inside and try to show grace, but sometimes I don’t understand why I’m so concerned about how I’m perceived because it isn’t like any of us are going to make it out alive.

But even through everything for the first time I’m excited for the future and 76 days from now when Maxene is due. To say I’m scared could be the understatement of the century, but I’m ready. I’m so ready for this journey even with all of the emotions and fears that are surfacing. I can’t wait for the day when I can hold her in my arms and stare at her perfect little face.

Take Care,

Lisa

More Heartache...The Miscarriage

2014-07-31T22:48:00.002-05:00

Hey Friends,

The past 2 weeks have been awful to sum it up in the least. As many of you saw on Facebook a few weeks ago Chris and I were so ecstatic to announce that Macie was going to be a big sister. I can't even begin to explain the happiness, hope, love and excitement that came with that positive pregnancy test. I was so happy I bursted into tears. I couldn't believe my eyes. Finally after a lot of negative pregnancy tests and thinking it was never going to happen it was finally positive. I was finally pregnant.

Our first doctor's appointment was on July 15th. We were so excited that morning to go to the doctor and see our little rainbow baby that we were basically skipping and whistling the whole way in. They ran through the normal intake paperwork and then they go to the part that I was dreading. How many living children...it's like being punched in the stomach when I get asked that question and I know I'm going to have to explain Macie's life from the pregnancy, labor, and everything up until she passed. Chris did a great job of answering most of those questions because he knows how much I hate them.

When they did the ultra sound the PA couldn't find the heart beat and thought maybe it was her machine or I wasn't as far along as I had thought so they sent me up to radiology to get a more detailed ultra sound. It only took the chance that something may be wrong for me to turn into water works. The tears came and I couldn't hold back. I cried up to radiology, cried in the room, cried during the ultra sound, cried after, you get the idea. I was scared something was wrong. When they measured the babies heart beat and it was 55 my heart sank because I knew something was wrong. I remember Macie's being 160. I knew 55 wasn't good.

After we were done in radiology we went back downstairs and waited on the doctor. We waiting 20 minutes, but it seriously felt like hours and I couldn't stop pacing. The doctor walked in and said, "I don't have good news" and the grief hit like a ton of bricks. That feeling I recognized. I started bawling uncontrollably.

The babies heartbeat was weak and it was only a matter of time before the baby passed and I may miscarry on my own. We were sent on our way and scheduled to return the following Monday, July 21. I sat in the parking lot and cried for awhile. I was so sad, mad, disappointed, angry and the grief just wouldn't stop.

Tuesday to the following Monday could have been the longest 6 days of my life. When we went in Monday and got the ultra sound it was confirmed that there was no longer a heart beat. The baby had passed and I hadn't miscarried on my own so I would need surgery the next day to remove the baby. That conversation was a blur, but luckily Chris was listening. Next thing I knew I was back at the hospital Tuesday morning bright and early and ready for the surgery. It was outpatient so I was home that afternoon and stayed home Wednesday too so I could recover. I was fully recovered from the surgery within a few days.

Tuesday is the day of the week Macie passed, the day we found out about this baby and the day of my surgery. It's probably going to take me awhile to warm up to Tuesdays. As for now I hate Tuesdays because in my world bad things happen on Tuesdays.

I've proven how strong of a person I am and I know I will survive this with the same dignity and grace that I have always had. I know some are worried I will become wreck less, but it isn't who I am. I haven't lost all hope in the world and I'm not going to crumble or break. Yes I'm sad, but I'm ok too. I'm going to continue to put one foot in front of the other just as I always have.

I don't have much more to say at this time other than I am no longer pregnant and that is what happened with our rainbow baby.

Take Care,
Lisa

Memorial Day and THAT movie

2014-05-24T19:47:00.000-05:00

Hey Friends,

I went to the cemetery today. I looked at the date and the first thing that popped into my head is that her headstone was put in 3 years ago today. The Tuesday before Memorial Day. Seems fitting since she died on a Tuesday that her headstone was put in on a Tuesday, but I guess those are things only a mother remembers. When I was at the cemetery I took everything down and scrubbed every centimeter of her headstone, the cement, the vase, the letters, everything. I needed it to look perfect and polished. I needed it to be different. It has looked the same for the past few years and I was ready for it to change. I got new flowers and a type I had never put there before, I removed the clutter, and got 2 new statues to place there. Once I was done cleaning and visiting Macie's spot I went to Jenny's and visited her and made sure it looked perfect, which is did as always. I do this weekly, but I'm glad I went today and didn't wait until Monday to visit Macie's spot. I know I'll go Monday again and I may even go tomorrow. Sometimes going and visiting and talking brings me peace.

I just finished watching the movie Return to Zero. I knew it was about a couple losing their first child and the stages of grief. It is a movie that I wanted to see, but hurt so deeply. I don't think watching it alone was my greatest idea, yet I think it is exactly what I needed. Some of the movie struck nerves with how real it was yet it was comforting to know my journey is normal. It showed them trying to cope with alcohol and separately and smoking cigarettes and the isolation you feel when you lose a child and are trying to figure out how to cope. Trying to find that new normal. It illustrated them grieving separately and them asking the other one how they are and the response was always, I'm fine or I'm great. It's true and is a normal reaction. You are already so vulnerable after the loss of a child and are in survival mode so rather than opening yourself up anymore you shut down and make everyone believe you are fine, even the person you are married to and supposed to be the most honest with. I loved that it showed the anger, rudeness and hatefulness you go through. I often wondered if it was normal to be so angry that I could break something and then burst into tears because the same thing that was causing me anger was also causing me to hurt. It is nice to know I'm not the only one.

It showed the repetition without resolution. How you get stuck in a rut and that you have gone into a cave that you can find the exit of. It's hard to change your mind set when you read the autopsy and you just feel like there are no true answers. There's no true definite reason on why your baby died. The only thing you do know is that you were chosen to live this path, chosen to feel the greatest pain in the world, chosen to have something so horrific happen that you lost part of yourself. A part that can never be restored.

It showed how a marriage struggles. But it also showed the husband cheating and that bothered me. I don't want to live in a world where it is considered acceptable for either partner to cheat because of grief. Maybe it should be deemed acceptable, but sign me out. I hated that part of the movie. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I thought it was extremely inappropriate how they tried to portray it as normal. It isn't normal to go outside your marriage just like it isn't normal for a parent to bury their child. Agree with me or not, but that is my feelings on the topic.

The rest of it was very spot on and reassuring with it's accuracy. How you love that your friends are having babies, but it hurts. How you appreciate everything about a little kid 10 times more than you probably would have if your child was still here. How at the end of the day I will always be Macie's mom and no one can ever take that away from me. How people will tell you it happens for a reason or that it is God's plan and you have to have faith and you want to scream at them to explain it to you because you don't understand, but you bite your tongue. How you feel like if you let go of the pain you lose her. How your afraid of everything.

At the end of the movie it showed that they had another child and the hope, love and joy was restored. This is the way I want my story to go as well. I cannot wait for the day that I am holding a baby in my arms again. Hopefully sooner rather than later, but even if it isn't for 2 years from now I still long for that day. I'm ready. I'm terrified, but ready. I can't wait to hold that baby and tell them all about their big sister Macie that will forever be watching over them and protecting them.

That's all for now.

Take Care,
Lisa

Turning 30

2014-05-02T15:55:00.000-05:00

Hey Friends,

Well I made it. I am now 30! I don’t get all the hype, I feel the exact same I did a year ago. :) I had a lot of fun hanging out with my friends and spending close to a week celebrating. The people that I work with made it extra special with all of there "dooms day" things in my office and this past Saturday I went to Bushwhackers and most of my friends came, even some from KC that I don’t get to see that often so it was a great surprise! And I am now one more birthday closer to seeing Macie again.

The only one missing was Jenny. She was heavy on my mind all day and night. I never thought 26 would be the last year we would spend together celebrating each other’s birthdays and I never thought I would be hitting a century mark without her. Her 30^th is fast approaching, May 28^th, and I know she’ll be celebrating and I’ll do my best to be happy that day and try to celebrate her and not be sad that she isn’t here for me to celebrate with her.

Every time I see this on Facebook it reminds me of Jenny. If you know me then you know I am obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. I have never missed an episode and Jenny was “my person”.

As I reflect on turning 30 the next thing I think about is having another child. I have been saying "someday" for years now. The truth is I don't know when "someday" will happen. I don't know what is in the cards for me. I would love more than anything to have another child, I just don't know when that will happen at this point in my life. So for now I will continue to say, "someday".

Monday is Cinco de Mayo which was one of Jenny's favorite days. So in honor of all the years we celebrated it together I will be drinking a margarita, eating chips and salsa and saying "Happy Cinco de Mayo" (pronounced like the sandwich spread) and laugh thinking of her saying it and laughing until she was in tears. Sometimes the good memories ease my heartache a little.

Some days I just miss her and would do anything to be able to pick up the phone and hear her voice. The grief roller coaster usually hits at the most inappropriate times. I can be in the middle of my day and think of her and my eyes will fill with tears. No matter how much time has passed Toby Keith's Cryin' for Me will always be my "Jenny" song and it's below.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and I'll be back soon.

Take Care,
Lisa

T-Shirts!

2014-04-17T09:17:00.002-05:00

Hey Friends,

Alesha (Lane's Mom) came into my life after her son Lane passed away from SIDS. While we hate that our babies passing away from SIDS brought us together we are beyond grateful that we have found each other and the friendship that has formed over the past few years.

In memory of Lane and Macie we are supporting SIDS Awareness May 9th.

Below are the amazing shirts we had created!

So here are the details on the shirts:
***All orders have to be in by APRIL 23RD!***
Shirts are $14 (Sizes Youth Small-XL) and $16 (Sizes 2XL-5XL).

If you want to order please contact us with your NAME, COLOR & SIZES!!

All proceeds will be donated to Boston Children's Hospital SIDS research in their names! And make sure to share this post!!

Sunday's

2014-04-13T20:26:00.001-05:00

Hey Friends,

I have been trying to figure out for years now what it is about Sunday's. It is by far the hardest day of the week for me and no matter how great of a week I have had or what exciting thing took place, I always have a bit more sadness that comes over me on Sunday's. Maybe it is because it is the day of the week that I got to spend 24 hours straight with Macie. Realistically you would think I would hate Tuesday's since that is the day of the week she died or Monday's since she was buried the following Monday, but it will forever be Sunday's. I loved being a mom and on Sunday's the emotions surface.

Everyone has heard the saying "sometimes you just need a good cry". Before I lost Macie I didn't understand what this meant because I've never been a big crier. I mean maybe if we lost a big softball game I would have shed a tear, but I didn't understand grief and true unconditional love at that age. Well today for the first time in awhile I had that "good cry" that you hear about. I let all of my hurt, anger, confusion and grief surface and I cried, honestly I still have tears in my eyes and occasionally streaming down my face as I write this. The one thing I can't explain is my ability to keep it to myself. I had a friend call me in the middle and they had no idea I was crying because for whatever reason I can act like all is ok in a seconds time. When I got off the phone the tears stared again as I pressed play on the YouTube video (http://youtu.be/3zVSCa1wqX8) and listened to my little girl continue to coo and laugh. I can hear myself giggle on the video and I can hear how happy I was and it hurts my soul.

I made a decision a long time ago that I would stay strong. I would always put on a brave face and share Macie's story with grace not hate. My hope was that my story would help others while I continue to be the kind of person I know I have to be and want to be. I have to stay strong to survive. I have tried very hard to be the same person I was before anything happened, however I don't know if that is even possible. I want to be the same bubbly girl that is always happy and positive, but sometimes on days like today it is hard to be that person when part of my heart is missing and forever broken. I'm glad I was by myself so I was able to let it out because with the amount of time I have spent crying it was obviously way overdue.

On days like today I don't always write, but for whatever reason I felt compelled to write today so maybe it is helping someone else to hear how I continue to survive day by day and one step at a time.

Take Care,
Lisa

Car Dancing

2014-03-20T14:39:00.002-05:00

Hey Friends,

Driving to work I saw a girl in a car like Jenny used to drive car dancing. Since Jenny and I did this on so many occasions, ok lets be honest every time we were driving we were blaring Justin Timberlake and car dancing. I miss her every day, but some days are harder. Some days I’m sad and other days I’m angry and yet for some miraculous reason other days I can accept that I can’t pick up the phone and call my best friend. She’s gone and I miss her, all of her. While it made me smile at the memory it hurt my heart and made me want to bawl my eyes out. I can’t listen to Justin Timberlake without picturing her dancing next to me. So today is a day where it is Grief-1, Lisa-0.

Here are a few picture's of Jenny and I dancing like we always did. :)

And her and I not dancing :)

I love you and miss you Jenny.

Take Care,
Lisa

3 Years of Heartache

2014-01-24T16:13:00.001-06:00

Hey Friends,

Well tomorrow marks 3 years. I still can’t believe it. It doesn’t seem possible or real life that it’s been 3 years since I saw Macie, held her, loved on her, recorded her cooing, ran into my best friends office yelling Macie was unresponsive and rushed to the hospital after the police called me. It's been 3 years since my nightmare. One thing that helps my heart is knowing that I am now one more January 25^th closer to seeing her again. It’s all about baby steps. The days I really struggle are the days when I feel like I’m forgetting things about her. I could watch her videos or look at pictures, but that’ll make the tears start and I’m not always at a place where it is ok to cry. Other days I’m ok and the days I’m not I take it hour by hour and give myself pep talks about being strong and making it through.

The grief roller coaster is a wave of emotions. I never know when it’s going to hit, but when it does I get angry, I feel horrible pain and discouragement, I feel like a failure, I forget how to smile, I sleep too much or too little, I don't want to go out in public, but I miss seeing my friends, I don’t want to do anything, I am sad deep inside where it hurts my heart, I cry at strangely unexpected times, my hair turns gray overnight or starts falling out in the shower, I often think I’m crazy, my body aches and has all kinds of pain, I say things I wish I didn't. I’m far from perfect and I may not deal with it correctly, but I’m dealing with it the best that I can. The grief from child loss is not an illness or contagious. It can’t be passed from person to person, but sometimes I feel like wearing a banner to let others know that it’s ok to talk to me about my daughter. If I cry it’s more than likely because I’m happy you brought her up without me having to. The isolation and loneliness of losing a child is sometimes unbearable honestly. And even though I know that death is supposed to be final, it’s not with child loss. She lives in me, through me, with me, and because of me forever and always.

Tomorrow is a day when I know the grief will hit. I will want to lock myself in a room and be by myself and sleep for 24 hours straight to avoid it. I won’t do that, but doesn’t that sound nice? I think so too. I know I’ll go to the cemetery and then I don’t know. I guess I’ll just see where the day takes me. I already know that I will hear from a lot of you and for that I am sincerely grateful. I love receiving kind words and messages showing your support and trying to give me strength. It truly means the world to me.

A good friend of mine posted this video a few weeks ago. It took me awhile to watch it because I knew it was going to make me cry and it did. I’m so thankful I watched it though. I can’t always put into words what this hole feels like that was left in my heart, but this mom explains grief and what I’m going through with pure accuracy.

When picking songs for Macie’s funeral I had no idea where to begin. A girl that I worked with at the time sent me the song Held by Natalie Grant. It’s a song that I have found strength in and tomorrow is definitely a day where I will need to be “held”.

Take Care,
Lisa

Homaha!

2013-06-21T15:08:00.002-05:00

Hey Friends,

So I know most of you know by now that we are moving back to Omaha, but most of you are wondering “why” I’m sure. First off- I’m not pregnant. I know many are you were hopeful that was the reason. The truth is that it is way overdue. We are both from the Omaha area (me-Millard, Chris-Plattsmouth), we laid our daughters body to rest in Nebraska because we always knew that one day we would return and it’s just time to go home. While I have loved every minute I have spent in KC and especially Lees Summit I know it’s time to close the book to this chapter of our lives and open the next chapter and I can’t wait to see what it has in store for us.

With that being said we have been down here for almost 6 years and have made some unforgettable friendships that we will treasure. I opened up and let someone in for the first time since Jenny passed and we have become best friends and even though we will now be 3 hours away I know it’s a friendship that isn’t going to go anywhere and I am truly going to miss living so close to her. We have already made some tentative date arranges for me to come here and her to come up to see me so I think we will be ok it’s just going to be REALLY weird at first and I’m going to miss her SO much! I see a lot of tears in my future between now and then- I hate saying goodbye!! Actually everything about living in Omaha is going to be weird at first. I haven’t lived in Omaha for 6 years. I haven’t been close to my family to be able to hang out with them on a Tuesday night for example in 6 years! That’s so crazy to me. I will be able to see and hang out with my friends that live in Omaha and the best part is that it doesn’t have to be scheduled so far in advance to ensure I can come back from KC that weekend. I’m SO excited!

When we first had the idea to move back to Omaha my goal was by July 1^st, honestly I thought this was a ridiculously short amount of time to get everything done and be moved up there. Well apparently that was the target I needed because we will be officially moving up there next week! I can’t believe how fast the time is going by. While I’m excited for the next chapter it is a little sad to be leaving, I mean I have been at my job in Lees Summit for 5 ½ years now. They were really good to me & my family when Macie passed away and I won’t forget it. I have heard horror stories from other SIDS parents about what their employers did or the fact that they expected them back at work 1 week later and I truly know how fortunate I am to have worked at a family oriented company during that time.

That’s all I have for now and I hope everyone is having a great summer so far.

Take Care,

Lisa

Holidays

2012-12-06T20:51:00.001-06:00

Hey Friends,
I know it's been awhile and honestly it's been too long...

Well Christmas is approaching...will it ever get easier? At the moment I'm convinced the answer is and will always be no. Christmas was always my favorite time of year, my parents made a big deal about it and I loved it. I loved our traditions and wanted to continue them on. I loved looking at Christmas lights and drinking hot chocolate and pretty much everything Christmas. Now I hate Christmas and simply because it's painful. I'm reminded of all of the what ifs and what should have been. We should be decorating our tree with our 2 year old daughter and not just the 2 of us. We should be driving around and looking at Christmas lights and driving by the houses that Macie likes a million times. I'm just struggling today. Struggling to keep it together and to accept the reality that is my life. I don't get to know what anything would be like with Macie. I don't get to know what she would be into this year or what the big gift would be that she would love. I have a lot of friends that have children around Macie's age and every time they tell me about their kids I love it, but I always wonder if she would be into the same thing. I know I sound like a downer and I'm sorry, but tonight it's hard and the reality is setting in that Christmas is fast approaching and it simply hurts. However, with as much as it hurts I know Christmas cannot be over looked and come Christmas I will put on my brave face and smile just as I did last year and try to push the pain down so no one notices how much I'm crying on the inside. I miss my daughter and I know that no force in this world can bring her back and reality hurts. I have heard the phrase that times heals. Well whoever came up with that phrase doesn't know what it's like to lose a child. Maybe they do, but tonight I feel like they don't as it doesn't matter how much time passes some days it still feels like yesterday.
Tonight Chris and I were supposed to go to the SIDS candle lighting like we did last year. We were planning on going. When it came time to go the emotions came and I couldn't bring myself to go light a candle. I couldn't get over the fact that it's so unfair and the tears wouldn't stop. Maybe it would have helped, but I honestly felt like tonight it would have made it worse rather than better.
I try not to sound negative and I'm sorry that this post is very negative and a lot of emotions. I have had a very heavy heart lately and my blog is my outlet where I can share my emotions. A little while ago I watched all of Macie's videos. I normally don't watch them because it rips at my heart. The first one brought a smile to my face. She was such a happy and pretty baby. I should have stopped there, but I kept going until I watched all of them and I think that is what made all of my emotions come to surface. Most of the time I keep it together, but every once in awhile there is that day that just gets me (The grief rollercoaster is real, I swear!). And maybe today is just harder than most because I looked at the date and know that it is the day she was 2 months old and I remember the day 2 years ago. I don't know why, but I can remember dates and what happened very well.
With all of my emotions I do hope all of you have a very Merry Christmas. Maybe in a few days I will feel in the Christmas spirit and maybe today is just a "bad" day.

Take Care,
Lisa

Jenny

2012-07-19T23:17:00.001-05:00

Hey Friends,

For some reason Jenny has been even heavier on my heart than normal. Maybe it's because in 6 days it will mark the 2 year anniversary of her passing away. Maybe it's because our 10 year class reunion is this weekend and I can't imagine going without her. Maybe it's because "Cryin' for me" by Tobey Keith has been on the radio a lot this week. Or maybe I just simply miss my best friend. She is one person I really could use right about now! I think about Jenny every day and constantly wonder why her. Why take one of the best people in the world. I don't understand the point, but I guess I wasn't suppose to. I started listening to Tobey Keith's song after Jenny died and it still brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it even 2 years later. She isn't the kind of friend that you just find- she was special. She will forever be special to me and hold a special place in my heart. No one can ever replace Jenny or the friendship we had. I don't have much tonight just have a heavy heart and missing my friend.

Take Care,
Lisa

Memories

2012-06-26T23:57:00.002-05:00

Hey Friends,

Well I finally did it. I completed Macie's memory book. Was it hard? Yes. Did I cry and constantly wonder, what if? Yes, but that is my new "norm" now. I love that it is done and I know it is something I will enjoy daily. I feel horrible it took me so long to do and it is something I always wanted, but I guess I just wasn't ready until now. I actually wasn't even sure if I was going to complete it this time around. The post below this has a link that will take you to the book I created if you would like to view it. Once I receive mine and realize it turned out ok (I have never used shutterfly before) then I'm going to order one for my mom and Chris' mom, I think they will enjoy them as much as me!

I know I am not on here as often as I should be, but I was starting to feel like a broken record. Life still isn't easy, but somehow 15 months later I'm still surviving. I'm still putting one foot in front of the other. How? Some days I have no idea. But at this point I consider myself a survivor. I have survived burrying my only child. I have survived by being able to carry on and find a new normal. Whatever you may consider normal that is. No matter how much I try to survive this I still have questions that will forever wonder around in my head...I wonder what she is doing, is she with Jenny?, what she looks like, what her voice would have sounded like, if she would have had hair yet, can she see me? As much as I know there isn't a force in this world that can bring her back some days it's hard to fathem that I will never see her again on this earth.

Macie passing isn't a topic I like discussing in a lot of detail. I will every once in awhile and mostly only with Chris and when I start to feel myself get emotional I shut down and change the subject. This past Saturday I was hanging out with one of my really good friends and discussed the day Macie passed from start to finish. Every moment, every minute, every detail. I don't know what it means that I was finally able to have this conversation other than maybe it was another step in my healing. And by having this conversation I actually learned a thing or two about that day that I had forgotten or never knew. I was finally able to put all of the pieces together from that horrible day. However, being the strong headed person that I am I was able to keep all of my emotions under control until I got home. I felt so much better afterwards though. It was like I was finally able to release all of pressure I kept inside by not talking about it. I cried for a very long time that night and the next morning, but when I was done shedding all of my tears I felt calm. It was an odd feeling and one that I wasn't expecting to ever experience after crying and grieving for my daughter. However, I have heard that grief is a crazy roller coaster that will strike when you least expect it and take you on turns you never thought imaginebale so maybe this was just another turn in my journey. My journey of coping, surviving, living, dreaming for the day when I hold Macie's brother or sister in my arms. That is all I have for now...

Take Care,
Lisa

Photo Book

2012-06-26T23:27:00.001-05:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

Build your own high-quality photo books at Shutterfly.com.

T-Shirts!

2012-04-24T21:09:00.000-05:00

Hey Friends,

Here is your chance to get involved! Chris has designed a T-Shirt that will read Macie's Mission on the front in pink letters (shirt will be black) and on the back of the shirt it will have Macie's footprints with angel wings coming off of them on either side. It will have Macie's dates above (10/6/2010-01-25-2011) and below it will read "If Heaven wasn't so far away" all proceeds will go to SIDS Resources. Who wants to get involved? Also, Chris will be finding out tomorrow if they can do children sizes but I'm assuming they can. :)

You can either comment on this post or shoot me an e-mail at lisa.mieras.barton@gmail.com if you are interested in ordering a T-Shirt. I should have more details shortly!

Take Care,

Lisa

It's been awhile...

2012-04-03T21:51:00.000-05:00

Hey Friends,

I know it has been a long time since I have written, but I haven't had a lot to say. I have also been writing my book. The pain is still present, I miss her more that I can ever describe and somehow I keep surviving each day. I can't help but wonder what she would be like now. She should be 18 months old on Friday. She would be walking and talking and into girly things. All things I want but can never have. All things that I long for and someday hope to have with another child. It may not be the same, but I know I will love them just the same.

A month ago Chris and I went on a much needed vacation. We went to Mexico with his two best friends and their wives. While we met through our husbands I consider these two girls great friends. One night while we were there we went out to the beach so I could write Macie's name in the sand. I know most of you are friends with me on facebook and have seen the pictures, but for those of you who aren't I will post pictures soon. When I wrote her name in the sand and took pictures under the moonlight it looked like it was glowing. I loved it. I know it was emotional for everyone. While I know it is ok to cry and break down, especially with our close friends, I once again waiting until I was back in our room by ourselves. I don't know why I am this way, but I have been since the beginning. The only person I really let see me break down is Chris and most of the time I will wait until I am completely alone before any tears start. However, we had a great time on our trip!! I know most people thought we would get pregnant on our vacation, but we did not. I don't know when our next chapter will begin with a baby, but I promise to keep you all informed of when it does happen. I think I am ready so it might be sooner rather than later.

As I looked at the calendar today and realized it was April 3rd it dawned on me that I met my husband for the first time 6 years ago tomorrow. Wow time flies! While nobody's life is perfect, we have gone through more than any one couple should ever have to go through. But through it all we are still by each other's side just as we have been from the very beginning and stronger than ever. Meeting him was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. The day we had Macie was the happiest day of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. With tomorrow being the 4th it brings my mind to May 5th, the day we decided to "officially" start dating back in 2006. We picked up my best friend Jenny who kept saying Cinco De Mayo! Only instead of pronouncing it like you should she was pronouncing Mayo like the sandwhich spread. It is a memory I will cherish forever as we laughed all night and Chris and I still joke about her saying that to this day.

I'm sorry I don't have more to say, but I wanted to fill you in a little bit with what has been going on. Nothing too exciting as you can see. I hope everyone has a happy Easter!

Take Care,
Lisa

Twitter

2012-02-07T21:16:00.000-06:00

Hey Friends,

Well I did it! I finally got twitter. I'm not sure what the lingo is, but my username is: lisamaciebarton so if you have twitter add/follow me because I'm not sure how this whole thing works yet!

Take Care,
Lisa

Spring for SIDS

2012-02-05T20:47:00.000-06:00

Hey Friends,

Well it is that time of year again! Spring for SIDS is April 20, 2012 this year!!

To raise money for SIDS in Team M's name we are doing an auction on Facebook! Please go 'like' our page: Team M Auction Page and if you would like to donate any items please e-mail teammdonations@gmail.com with a picture of your item, the starting bid and if shipping is additional or included. The auction will be February 11-15th so make sure to check it out and bid!! Last year we had over 200 items and this year we have 25 items so far. We want it to be a huge success again this year and any items would be greatly appreciated!!

Our Team M page is up for online donations and you can get there by clicking :Team M!

Here is our photo thanks to April Grimes!

Thank you for your help!
Lisa

Summary

2012-01-26T23:11:00.002-06:00

Hey Friends,

You can read the acknowledgement of the book that I have been asked to write. Will I finish this, I don't know. But I have been asked to write it so I just might!

Summary
If you are reading this then it is for one of two things, either you know me or my husband or you have lost a child. If you know us then we are eternally grateful for your love and support. If you have lost a child then let me start by saying I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, that you know this pain, that you have to experience life without your baby. Is it fair? In my opinion-No. Plain and simple.

If you were chosen to be an angel mom or dad then life as you know it is forever shattered. Is there a happy ending? Maybe. I can tell you that I do not have the answers on how your life will be. This book is about life as I have known it for the past year. Will your journey be the same as mine? Maybe and maybe not. Each journey is different just like every child is different. There may be some differences or some similarities, but the point is to share my journey with you. My journey through the good, the bad, the ugly and the coping. Day 1 I had no idea how I was ever going to go on. I remember saying, "I have nothing left to live for" and it's a true statement and one that you may be feeling. When you lose a child you feel like your journey is over and there is nothing left. You have given it your all and everything you had you gave to your child and there is nothing left in you. Unfortunately, I may not have the answers you have been seeking, but I will break down each month for you and what it was like for me being an angel mom for the first year.

Take Care,
Lisa

Angelversary

2012-01-25T23:59:00.001-06:00

Hey Friends,

Well here we are, here it is...the worse day a year later. We went to Nebraska and spent our daughter's 1st angelversary with our family. We didn't have a set plan, but it turned out exactly the way it was suppose to and exactly how we needed it to be. We were showered with love and prayers from all over- thank you! And we had our family close by to lean on. As I sit at home tonight I can't help but remember what I was doing exactly a year ago today at this time and that is how my day started and how it will end. I'm sure the next week will be just as hard as today with the memories of following her to Nebraska, planning her funeral, seeing her in the casket for the first time, the viewing, the funeral, the burial and everything in between.

Chris and I cannot begin to thank each of you enough for all that you have done for us this past year. We truly appreciate it!!

Today hurts. Today marks only the first year I have survived life without my daughter and I'm not sure how many more of these there will be...30, 40, 50? When I think of it long term I have to stop because I know how bad the pain and 1 year hurts and the thought of 50 more is like a dagger being shot into my heart. I'm sorry, but tonight all there is to write about is the pain and the grief. It hurts, so badly.

Today we went to the cemetery with our family. It was the first time that we went to Macie's spot with anyone besides ourselves. It was so nice to have them there with us. They left and Chris and I stayed for a few minutes longer and cried, talked about how long it had been, and that we are ready to be parents again. When we will start that journey I'm not sure. But step #1 we are both ready or as ready as we can be I guess which is a big step for us.

When we go to Macie's spot there is a figurine there that means a lot to me. I have posted it above along with the poem that is associated with it below. I love that it is there, right next to her headstone and that is where it will sit forever.

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,

We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of his love.

For no heartache compares with the death of one small child, Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold, so He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few, To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult, still, show how we must try,

The saddest word mankind knows will always be "goodbye."

So when a little child departs, we who are left behind

Must realize God loves children...Angels are hard to find.

Thank you again & Take Care,

Lisa

Birthday & 1 Year

2012-01-18T21:24:00.001-06:00

Hey Friends,

Tomorrow is Chris' birthday. I remember his birthday last year. I left work early to get Macie and get home before the weather got too bad. There was a horrible snow storm and he never saw Macie on his birthday last year because he was out plowing snow. It breaks my heart. I remember him being upset about it and me telling him that it was fine because there would be plenty of birthdays for them to spend together, but how was I to know that 6 short day later we would loose our baby girl.

I took this picture on Chris' birthday last year and sent it to him with the heading "Happy Birthday Daddy!" I told her to smile so we could send it to Daddy and she did! She looked directly at the camera and gave the most beautiful smile. This is actually the picture we have on her headstone. They cropped it so it is only of her though on her headstone. I also remember the day after, the 20th. I couldn't go to work because the daycare was closed and Macie and I spent all day together and had a blast. I'm so thankful for that full day with her.

I can't believe it's been 51 weeks. I have survived 51 weeks without my daughter. 51 weeks that I didn't want to survive. Just to clarify I am not suicidal I just never wanted to know what life was like without her once she was born. I'm dreading next Wednesday to say the least. I don't want to believe that she has been gone for a year...I can't believe it has been a year. I told my best friend, Crystal, today that I wish I could just sleep through the day and act like it doesn't exist-however I know that I can't do that no matter how much I wish I could. I hurt all the time, but over the last year I have learned how to push my emotions down deep inside when I'm out with friends or at work or at a family function, etc... There are times when I want to burst into tears, but I hold it in until I get into my car and cry on the way home. I have learned how to keep the pain to myself and put a smile on my face. It is something I hope no one ever has to learn, but it seems to be a "common trait" when you are a baby loss mom.

There are a couple of songs that I have been listening to a lot lately and I'll put the links below. They are painful, but help at the same time. I don't know if that even makes sense, but it does to me. I will forever wonder "who you'd be today"....

This past Sunday the St. Louis newspaper did an article on infant loss and Macie was featured in the article. According to the experts Macie died of accidental suffocation. Accidental suffocation? How does that happen? And why exactly is accidental about suffocation? She was 3.5 months old. It isn't accidental it's due to neglect. But most people would say "I'm just an angry mom" which maybe I am, but you would be too if your child wasn't here due to something accidental. It's almost a year later and I'm still angry and I'm not sure I'll ever get over the anger stage. It seems impossible to me to get over this stage, but by reading the article I realize the one person that I have blammed since the moment I got the phone call a year ago on that horrible January day until now deserves every ounce of blame I have in me. And yes I realize I need to get over the anger stage for my own healing I'm just not ready to yet.

I'm not sure when I'll write again, but please pray for us next Wednesday as we face the 1 year anniversary of the worst day our lives.

Newspaper Article: More Missouri babies die as laws, oversight lag.
Photo of Macie in paper
Family Photo in paper

Take Care,
Lisa

Holidays

2012-01-18T20:38:00.000-06:00

Hey Friends,

I have so much to say and I don't even know where to begin. I guess we will just start at the beginning otherwise known as the rest of November...

Thanksgiving came and went and we made the rounds that we have to make on the holidays. On Thanksgiving my nephew Noah decided he wanted everyone to go around and say what they are thankful for. It was probably the sweetest thing I have ever heard come out of child's mouth and especially since he is only 6. He is a very special boy and I know he is going to do amazing things because he has a heart bigger than this world. However, when my brother-in-law and my nephew delivered this request my mind instantly started racing...thankful? I instantly thought nothing, but then I looked at my sister-in-law Liz and family is what came to mine. When I really thought there was nothing I could be thankful for this year after losing Macie I am thankful for my family, for the friendship, for the support, and for the unconditional love that you have shown me as I walk this unimaginable journey.

Well before Thanksgiving can't even be over and Christmas shopping had began. My mom and I went shopping that night and it was my first ever Black Friday Shopping. I had a blast with my mom, but I'm not sure I will ever do it again. However, give me a year and I'm sure I'll be there again next year!

A smart person told me, "to pretend that the holidays don't exist is to forget your daughter's memory." I took this to heart and went above and beyond. I made sure I didn't act like Christmas wasn't happening for a second. Well Dec 23rd came and we hung out with my family and it was good then Christmas eve we hung out with Chris' family and then mine later that night and then again Christmas morning. Christmas afternoon we went to the cemetery... When we were driving to the cemetery I started getting teary eyed...by the time we had pulled in I was crying and by the time we got out to stand at Macie's grave I was bawling uncontrollably. All of my emotions that I had been holding in and hiding from everyone started to surface. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was hurting, I was miserable, I was sad that it was Christmas and instead of watching my daughter open presents I was standing at her grave. I was heart broken that it was her 11 month angelversary. Chris and I stood there for awhile and cried and hugged and stared at her headstone. Every time I look at her headstone a little more of me dies inside. My daughter is not here and the reality is hard to take...

Then the reality of everything starts to surface and the tears don't stop. What I have with my mom I never get to have with her. I never get to see her on her birthday, take her to her first day of school, hear about her first crush, eat ice cream with her and comfort her after some stupid boy broke her heart for the first time- or convince Chris not to kill the kid, watch her walk across stage at her high school or college graduation, or her wedding day.... These are all things I wanted and never get to experience and when I let myself think about these moments they hurt. And while I know Christmas is just a small part it brings up all of these other things for me. It isn't just one holiday or one thing it is all of them at once. However, after our break down at the cemetery we stopped by Chris' sister's house and while they had to of noticed my swollen eyes they didn't say a word which I appreciated.

I'm not going to lie the Holidays were rough and I don't know how they will ever get easier. They say time heals all wounds, but in this case I don't think that is true. It will always hurt.

Take Care,
Lisa

Baby Macie

Sweet 16

Back to School for the Child Loss Parent

Elkhorn

Far too LONG!

July 15th

More Heartache...The Miscarriage

Memorial Day and THAT movie

Turning 30

T-Shirts!

Sunday's

Car Dancing

*3 Years of Heartache*

Homaha!

Holidays

Jenny

Memories

Photo Book

T-Shirts!

It's been awhile...

Twitter

Spring for SIDS

Summary

Angelversary

Birthday & 1 Year

Holidays

3 Years of Heartache