When I started this blog I was filled with grief and confusion. I think that is the best way to describe the second year of being a widow.

The first year you are just in shock and trying to survive the onslaught of emotions.

Year two is dealing with your grief and the confusion you feel, what do I mean by this? Well, the first year you are just doing what needs done to get through another day. Now in year 2 you have to reassess everything and make decisions on how to keep going be it running your household, business, your job. Making decisions on how you do this now on one income or possibly your income and a small survivor’s benefit. Things might have to be cut, belts tightened til you get all this money issues under control.

Next comes yourself – you go thru alot of changes as you go thru your grief, different stages some happen and you don’t notice them, some changes are always front and center. You are now back in charge of yourself, and this has not been the way for possibly a long time.

Change is not easy and the phases you go through that 2nd year will either make the next year easier or just as rough. I know some people are naturally independent and some are not this will play into how you manage your change in yourself.

I myself have been pretty independent at least I thought I was till my spouse passed. I soon realized we were a unit that worked mostly together and that is where the adjustments come in and are hard to sometimes deal with.

Just take it a day at a time give yourself permission to make mistakes because believe me you will. This second year is hard on your emotions as you start to realize that this is now your new normal – but what do you want your new normal to be? That is where change and growth come in. Be willing to ask for help if needed or seek counseling if you feel this is too much to take on.

Your emotions are still hurting and your feel raw and sometimes scared of these changes you have to make because they impact you personally and your world now.

If you still have children to raise it will be more challenging because changes you make will affect the whole family unit. Try not to make a lot of drastic changes unless you have no other choice.

There is no timeline as this is the beginning of your new normal that you are trying to create for yourself to live in. It will take up most of this 2nd year to get through, but you can do it. Breaking out of the chaos of grief is not for the faint of heart but on the other side you will find comfort and peace.

I’m almost to the end of my 3rd year and just now starting to feel a little more in control of decisions I have made or ones I still have to make. Starting to feel less apprehensive to go to restaurants to dine by myself if I want to.

I’m not sure how to put this but I feel like I am finding me again. When you are with someone for a long while you are a unit a lot of give and take to make things work. Now it is just me.

Hopefully year 4 will just be about opening new doors and continuing to grow and find my way back from chaos.

As the days get hotter and longer, I feel my stress levels increasing and my tolerance level snapping.

I truly know people don’t know what to say or do around a person who is in the throes of grief, and I am guilty of it myself when greeting people.

But just know asking how a person is doing every time you see them is horrible, they are not doing well but no one wants to hear that they want you to act like nothing is bothering you and paste on a smile. No one really wants to hear the truth sometimes.

Well folks, that doesn’t work it just cause lots of pain and frustration on the grievers part because no one really wants to know the truth that no you are not doing well and no you don’t feel like smiling for a really long time. But on the other side the person that asks think they should ask a basic question because in truth they don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving.

I wish we all felt comfortable enough to say, “I know you are really going thru a tough time right now and if you need to talk or anything let me know.” So much better than how are you doing or how are you getting along.

No one going thru grief is doing fine and it depends on the newness or where they are at in the grief phase.

Unfortunately, this tends to make the person who is grieving withdraw from public or group gatherings they don’t want to pretend they are fine when they are not.

If we could change just a few words, it might help the griever feel they can be around other people and be accepted for not being themselves and smiling and still get out and about as they try to work on their journey back from chaos.

I know this is a short blog, but I have so much going on in my life right now. I will be blogging about that next month in the meantime please be kind to your self this is a long hard journey let your self grieve.

I wanted to talk a little bit about something we deal with on a daily basis and maybe don’t give it much thought or concern to it. We have all dealt with guilt in one way or another. But this little word has a big impact on handling your grief it is Guilt.

I know some of you are shaking your head yes and others are going what?

Believe me guilt is a big issue and is just one more of those mountains to go thru or around but it is full of dips and valleys to keep you in a state of chaos and from healing from grief.

Guilt will come in all shapes and sizes, and it stays with you longer than it should.

Definition of Guilt – “a self-conscious emotion that involves reflection on one’s own actions or thoughts. It can be helpful or harmful depending on the situation.”

We are feeling what is called survivor’s guilt. I don’t know about you but the first year was rough with why it was not me instead. Why am I still here to face everything. Then you get the guilt from maybe if I would have tried harder or pushed more for doctors to check, things might be different. Maybe if I would have listened more or loved harder or fought harder things would have turned out different. What did I miss how could doctors have missed this? But what would you have really done different?

What, why, who have all been put to the test with the guilt. The bigger the feeling the bigger that mountain becomes and the more you think about it the stronger guilt becomes as it tries to overtake you.

Dealing with guilt is not for the faint of heart, you really have to ask tough questions. If you did this would the outcome been different? If you would have said that would the outcome been different? If you would have pushed harder would the outcome, be different. Who is to blame for what happened how do you find peace with all these tortured thoughts in your head?

This is really the hardest part of your grief journey tackling guilt. You need to stop blaming yourself. It takes a long time to get to this point, but you have to if you are going to get around this chaos of guilt. You need to come to terms with what happened and why no matter what you could have said or did in that moment could have changed things. Some things are out of our control that is a hard pill to swallow. Writing in your journal is a good outlet for coming to terms with guilt. Trying to just get thru each day without beating yourself up will take time but you will slowly start to ease up on yourself.

You might need to seek professional help and that is fine guilt is a powerful emotion that can be destructive if you let it overtake you. Sometimes you need to find self-reliance to muster thru but you can overcome guilt or at least make it smaller and more less important than it was at the beginning of your healing process. To make any headway in your healing you have to deal with your guilt.

“You’ve made it through things you never thought you would. You’ve stood in the middle of endings and still found a reason to keep living. You don’t need to be strong. You just need to keep choosing to stay. You’ve come this far. That means something. That means everything.”

This is such a powerful and moving quote.Read it thru a couple times. Yes it pertains to you and me and what we have been through and what we are going through and how far we have all come to date.

Change is not easy for anyone, especially when you were not planning on changing anything in your life or your emotional being. The type of changes you will be entangled in will not be for the weak. There are decisions to be made, bills to be paid and possibly children to raise all without your spouse or partner.

Some things you never had to deal with somethings you don’t want to deal with. It is now your new normal.

I know in earlier blogs I touched on the change to your financial situation after the death of a spouse. With just trying to get thru everyday now you have to add acountant to your new tasks so you can go thru your income and expenses. This is not an easy task and Maki g wrong decisions can affect your financial situation.

If both of you were on social security you will now be cut down to one benefit per month instead of two. Please check with your local social security office as you might be able to get surviors benefits that could be a higher income.

Another major blow comes after the first year of your spouses death. When filing taxes you are now considered a single person which causes you less deductions and a higher tax bracket which can cause small tax return or you might owe the IRS.

Sometimes even your credit score can be effected if your spouse was the primary card holder to some of your credit cards or loans. Because some of the cards will be closed due to the death of the primary card holder.

And of course please watch for scammers looking g for innocent victims.

March is the month for change, daylight savings time goes back to normal. Days are longer, winter fades and spring showers start.

So how is it I don’t feel the change, I feel stuck in limbo not going forward trying not to go backwards. With March the cloudy days with rain showers and heavy winds seem to fit my new mood lately.

Only 2 1/2 months int the new year and I have already been to enough funerals for the whole year. A beloved niece, friends of my deceased husband, some of his older family members and just recently a parent of my son’s friend from high school. It has been nonstop. Seems everyone you talk to has been going thru this same cycle lately. Why what has changed this year to make it so full of grief.

With all this emotional chaos my own emotions have come undone. I feel like my mountain of grief that I had started to go around has just increased in width in just a few short months.

I know I have even said at times things become less painful, but I was not prepared for a year like this. I find myself tearing up for small reason or no reason at all, then crying late at night from all my pent-up emotions. Death is hard to deal with you just walk numbly through it but once the funeral or memorials are done the real grief begins and it just keeps coming in wave after wave.

I provided my sister with a blank journal and explained how writing out your feelings, emotions, and thoughts can help you get through the first couple of years. I still write in my journal just not as often because I thought I was in control of my grief. Well that backfired on me this year.

Grief never goes away it is just a new part of who you are now. It is up to you whether you make it take over your life or you try to get some control over it so it can be silently in the background. This is not an easy process it will tear at your very core but once you have worked through some of the grief it will get better but there is no timeline, and everyone is different on how they get control. Sometimes even on your best day it lets you know it is still around.

I am not sure how the rest of the year will be but I do know I am struggling to get back in control of the chaos of my grief so I can continue to grow and heal and find myself again.

I know this is a shorter blog but just wanted everyone to know I am still here, and the battle still continues.

February known as the month of love. Will this be your time for new love?

“When someone you love dies… It changes your life forever. It’s not something you “get over”. The loss now becomes a part of who you are.” unknown

This is such a true statement, you may adjust, change or adapt but it always is a part of you.

Some people may feel compelled to look for a new spouse right away. While others are like no never again; then there are those like me who really are not looking but just moving along through life and if I find someone, I will take it one step at a time.

If love seeks you out it will depend on what stage, you are in with your grief and if you are ready to accept it or not.

There are no set guidelines for this no set in stone that you have to wait “x” amount of years. I feel like when I am ready it will happen, or it could happen even though I don’t think I am ready, but the universe may have other plans for me.

“Happiness comes in cycles… it will find you again.”

The pain will slowly ease in your heart it will slowly not hurt as much to think or talk about your loved one. It will happen all in good time nobody can tell you when your time will be it depends on you and how and where you are in your grief.

If you leave a small window open in your heart you might find that love will slowly fill in that space when you are ready to receive it.

Alot has happened this past month to shake my progress in my grief, I lost my beloved niece unexpectedly. Unfortunately, this has opened the floodgates on old feelings I thought I had tucked away. The chaos has returned as I have been helping my sister deal with her overwhelming grief and everything that comes after the funeral.

We have both shed a lot of tears in the last few weeks, I’m hoping some of my small suggestions and incite have helped her understand about this new emotion called grief and that it will be around for a long while.

I know this is a shorter blog, but with all the raw emotions I just wanted to reach out to everyone that is past the one-year marker in your grief journey to open that window in your heart just a crack to get your feelings for receiving new love can begin your healing process.

Just think March is the luck of the Irish, I know we could all use a little luck on our side.

I want to start my blog off today with this quote I found it fitting to what I have been feeling and dealing with lately and maybe you can relate to it too.

“Grief has no expiration date; it refuses to be rushed, though others don’t understand. Hearts mend in their own time. You’ll heal when you heal; until then each day is the longest journey.” by John Mark Green

This is a very good quote because I am almost 3 years into my grief, and I must say this has been the most challenging and emotion filled year for me. I am not an overly emotional person but let me tell you I have cried enough tears in the past 3-4 months I think I could fill a small stream or fish tank.

The last 2 months of the year are the hardest for most people with holidays and family traditions and get togethers. Any type of gathering causes me anxiety because I know I am going to be the odd man/woman out in the crowd. And me being an introvert just makes matters worse. I truly think people still don’t know what to say or act around you, so it is awkward for everyone. Even though these situations cause me anxiety I still go I try to push myself to get out of my comfort zone at times.

That being said I still have difficulty doing things on my own, I have been trying to make myself go to a movie which is a concert a musical group filmed so more people could experience it for Christmas it is for a limited time only. I have look at seats and times and almost pushed the purchase button but still have not been able to do so. I’m frustrated with myself but just feel too awkward and out of place yet. The second year I tried to go out to eat on my own in a restaurant and had so much anxiety I didn’t really enjoy my meal. I know I need to push myself into uncomfortable situations to be able to adapt. That is my goal for the new year to try a few new things on my own.

I’m going to get off track for a minute just hang in there with me. I saw a post from another blogger one time that she had to fill out a form and had to mark single, widow, married; she had to ponder for a while as we are now single. But after a little while she decided to mark widow. She marked that because she wanted to be recognized that she had meant something to someone, and she had known love.

I liked that idea and thinking. For the first year and maybe a little bit of the second if someone asked if I was married, I always replied yes. I just wasn’t ready to give up that status and move on. This year I have been wearing my wedding rings a little less than normal just trying to still get use to the notion of being on my own. I really hate the term widow or widower I know it is just a word, but it cuts my heart every time I have to use it.

Back to the Holidays and gatherings whether this is your first or 10th year it is hard. I think it always will be til maybe you find love again, but I truly believe you still will never forget or feel a loss. You are changing traditions and trying to create new ones and new memories. This is never easy as some people embrace change as a challenge the rest of us fight change tooth and nail.

I’m just hoping the new year will bring a more sense of calm to my emotions as I forge ahead with my new life.

I would like to end with another quote I heard it seems everyone is struggling with grief this year. I normally don’t see many quotes or hear people refer to their grief that actually resonates with me.

“Grief is just love with no place to go.” by Misha

From my family to yours I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I’ll see you all next year as we all try to come back from the chaos.

Marie

With November just beginning I have been doing a lot of soul searching and getting lots of signs from above.

My spouse’s birthday is in November which is always hard but add to that my granddaughter and son then Thanksgiving that’s a lot of emotions for one month. I’m sure you all have that feeling as well when your spouse, significant other, partner is having their birthday month.

For the past few weeks work has been nonstop reminders of my spouse and his diagnosis. Things that just trigger the memory of learning of the illness and what comes next it feels surreal and boom your back in that moment of time.

I will admit I have had a few sleepless nights with lots of tears, but I get up and face the new day trying to put on my brave front. I am not the type to be overly emotional and when I am it shakes me to the core of my existence. I have made some good progress forward and don’t want to be pulled backwards but grief always has a mind of its own.

If the birthday/holiday month is not enough to tackle let’s add on a family get together were there will be lots of my husbands extended family some I have not seen since the funeral. I think this month is trying to take me out.

I find social gatherings with family and/or friends to still be difficult, I still feel like the odd man out. I am an introvert which makes it hard to socialize anyway. But when it is with family or friends I have not seen in a long while, it is still awkward for me and them, and the inevitable question how are you doing how have you been? Well, that is a loaded question we all know. What do you say to people you have not seen in possibly 3 years do they really want me to answer it truthfully or just the standard getting along or doing best I can so they can shake their head and mumble and walk away glad it is me and not them going thru all this turmoil.

Some days you make it thru barely and then some days you actually can smile and laugh. That is the chaos of grief. All the while holding onto the hope this will soon become less and less, and you can start to find yourself and your forever joy again.

As the holidays draw near, I know a lot of you will be depressed, sad and back in your chaos mode just try to remember the progress you have made and the steps you have taken and hang in there as this too shall pass. But for us our journey back from chaos is ongoing and a process that will take time and grit it is not for the faint of heart. But once you start to see a peak of the joy return know you can do this. I know you can do this too.

I found this poem I would like to share with you:

“Grief is very sneaky, A Sound, A Scent, A Song, A Smile, Becomes Tears.” unknown author

Let me know if you have any questions or comments or would like a topic to be discussed.

Hard to believe summer is almost over. It seems like since my loss the years are on warp drive going faster and faster.

But why has my grief not taken off and gone away? Why is it lingering? When will I ever feel like me again? Will I ever get my life back? What happens if I can’t adjust or don’t want to then what? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever want to see anyone again or get close to anyone?

These are all very real and valid questions that someone mourning the loss of a spouse, significant other, or partner feels in some way or another maybe not at 1 time but most of these questions over several weeks, possibly even months or a year or more.

Now don’t get discouraged some of these will resolve themselves on their own while others take time to get thru. Change is never easy and if you are someone who resists change it will be harder and longer for you. Now not being negative here but I feel some of the older generations of us will not want to go thru these changes, that is okay if you are comfortable the way you are living your life that is all that matters. But if you have some of these questions try to see if you can help ease your grief by working thru some of them.

Let’s hit on a couple of questions “When will I feel like me again?” Short answer – Never –

That you is gone because everything you were or did was as a result of being a couple and sometimes that means you were of one mind, one way of thinking, one life. And depending on how long you were together it will be harder to get yourself back. This is the worst part of the grief the loss of your other half your other self.

You’re dealing with all these emotions and feelings and feel lost and alone adrift in an ocean only you can see and are in. This is going to take time and healing. Once you start the processing your loss and start working through things the old you slowly slip away. Now when this happens depends on you and how you handle your loss and process everything, we are not talking that this will happen in the next month after your loss I’m talking years.

Once you start to slowly rebuild new routines, habits etc… and now you can start to focus on you. This can be hard to grapple with because the old you is still with you always but you start slowly to may be do things on your own, start to create new habits, new routines, try something new you thought about but never did. It takes time no one likes to let go. Just remember the old you is always with you he/she is just taking the back seat now, while the new you start their journey. Don’t worry you will never ever forget why you are on this journey your loss is now part of you and always will be you are not losing site of your loved one.

I can’t tell you how to start or where to begin everyone is different. For me I just started with small things sometimes it was things that I was uncomfortable with doing and tried to make them not so uncomfortable, like started taking walks around my neighborhood, then I joined a gym very slow start but something is better than staying stuck in the past that is no longer part of my future. Start making new plans and look to the future for how you see yourself in maybe 5 years down the road. If there was a place you always wanted to travel to see, maybe start planning to take that trip.

What I do know is there were a lot of things we were planning on doing once I retired and now it is too late. I don’t want to wait anymore I want to try to do things, go places while I can. I know it won’t be easy and yes it will be in my uncomfortable zone, but I want to at least try. I know every road has twists and turns and some speed bumps just don’t let that stop you. Your spouse, sig. other, partner would not want you to they are rooting us on to live a good life.

Next – “Will I ever be happy again?” I truly believe you will! I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but your grief does ease up as the years pass it never really goes away but it is like the old you it takes the back seat.

Seeing joy come back to my life has been a true blessing to me this year. Now I’m not saying you will suddenly turn into freaking Mary Sunshine, but it is a slow return to joy. I still have moments where grief jumps to the front seat and tries to take over, but those days are getting less frequent than last year and the year before. I just know for myself I feel lighter like some of the weight has been eased off my shoulders.

Depending on where you are on your journey be it just starting, 1 year out, 10 years out I hope you can all find joy again.

Next blog we will discuss adjust to this new life or not to adjust…

As we continue our journey grief remains with us like a constant toothache, unfortunately life around us continues on an if nothing has disturbed the balance of nature or your little corner of the world.

Once you return to work, school, or just stay at home whatever it is in your life that was your normal routine. You are returning as a different person just maintaining what and where you can to make it thru the day and back to your safe haven of home. Or if you are already at home you are wondering around trying to figure out the next step of how to proceed with what was your normal life.

However, as you are trying to start a new routine, things around you have not changed grass is still growing and needing mowed, weeds are sprouting everywhere if you have flower beds or a garden, dishes and housework still need cleaned, snow needs shoveled and groceries need bought all these things are not waiting on you to figure out your life there in nature’s cycle of events or your old routine you once had now minus one.

The worse part of this is some of these things you have never had to think about or even handle. So where do you start, how do you even know what to do? Some or all of these tasks can be overwhelming if you are not the person who handled these tasks and never wanted to there are some of us who are not mechanically inclined or grocery savvy and could be not even an outdoors type of person.

If you are lucky enough some of these can be done by hired help, there seems to be a company out there for almost everything anymore. Just please please do your research before hiring anyone make sure they are from a reputable company check the better business bureau. Don’t just pick the first one you possibly call or that comes and gives you a quote. Now that you are on your own you have to be careful of anyone that can take advantage of you as you are in a vulnerable state right now.

Unfortunately, not everyone will be in a position to hire help. Just start slow take stock of what are the most immediate needs, groceries, mowing, laundry, house cleaning, even knowing how to pay the bills that keep coming in and possibly setting up your own banking accounts.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a family member or trusted friend to help guide you through some of these tasks you may have never done before. Another thing I have found in my dealing with some of these tasks is to check you tube now this may sound silly, but I think there is someone who has made a video on How To’s there, some of these can be helpful some not so much it’s like anything use your common sense.

Let’s look at grocery shopping if this is intimidating to you and if you have a phone with internet and/or a tablet or computer most all stores now have a site where you can go some cost some do not where you put in what you need and someone else does the shopping you pull up at your designated time and they come out and load your car. Now one task out of the way, you just have to be patient while doing it the first time, it will take you awhile to get use to the shopping site. Heck I even found out I can do this with my home improvement store who knew!!

Now if you have not handled the bills or money this can be a bit more complicated, start slow open your mail it is not going to go away by not opening it. What I find helpful is I open it put the due date on the outside of the envelope and put it them in date order. That way I can tell what is do when. I also have a wipe board on my fridge to put the payments that come out automatically and the dates, so I am always aware when money needs to be there for that particular bill. If you still need help with balancing your check book or getting in to see your accounts online, ask for help from a family member you feel comfortable with sharing this type of info with or a trusted friend.

The most challenging things are yet to come as in an appliance breaks down, car troubles, can’t get the mower running just to name a few. This is also where YouTube comes in handy for repairs or How To’s.

If you are a woman, I would suggest getting a small set of hand tools at your disposal nothing huge just some various screw drivers, hammer, if you are adventurous a rechargeable small power driver it can screw things in and unscrew this is good for hard to reach or stuck bolts or screws. If you are into the yard work but can’t handle heavy weed eaters or blowers, look online and purchase the rechargeable most times you and get them together as a bundle, I did that and love them light weight and simple to use always a plus for someone mechanically challenged like myself. Send me a comment or note if you would like the name brands, I have that work very well and are not that expensive.

None of these new tasks you are about to embark on will be easy it can be tiring, frustrating, and a little unnerving anything you do outside your comfort zone will be this way. Just take one day at a time and it will get easier and easier to incorporate these into your life.

Remember we are trying to make it around that mountain not thru it. It takes time and a strength you never knew you had to make these changes and feel comfortable with them. Change is hard and especially when you were not totally recovered. Yes, there will be days when you will want to throw the towel in and kick the mower, scream at the weeds that won’t stop coming back and cry when you get something done and you did it yourself! This is just one more step on our journey of a thousand miles and I know you can do it, just believe in yourself and take the changes that you make into account for how well you are doing.

I know just from my little time on my own I am finding my way on this slippery slope, and I am starting to make decisions I have not had to make by myself and am evolving into a new me along the way. I still have a long way to go but I’m starting to think I can do this; I will survive this and will come out on the other side a changed person. Don’t get me wrong there are still things that unnerve me like going to the home improvement store myself, or trying to add oil to a push mower, but I am trying and that is all one can do.

See you in the next blog.

Take care my friends.