backbytes

The daily grind

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:28:47 +0000

"Sirs", begins Paul Harper at AkzoNobel UK - we like email that gives us what we consider to be the proper respect. "I note with amusement the IBM advertisement on page six of last week's Computing showing a chap carrying three cogs." Stick with us, it gets better. "...In such an arrangement that no matter which way any of the cogs is turned, the whole device grinds to a halt almost immediately. Presumably the Power is needed to apply so much force that all the cogs are stripped of their teeth in an attempt to un-jam the device, but I am unsure where the Management bit comes in?"

It's management that bought the cogs in the first place.

Blistering performance

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:28:22 +0000

Following our report that those of you who use their laptop on top of their lap might struggle to conceive, a story reaches us from medically qualified Chris Wheatley: "A gentleman entered his hotel room, removed his trousers, and placed them in the trouser press. He sat on the chair, plugged in his laptop and proceeded to work in his silk boxer shorts. Silk conducts heat. The gentleman received burns that required grafting to his penis and a lot of remedial care to the ulcers on his scrotum. I pointed this out to our burns and plastics consultant, as he had the same model."

Pus-onal computing

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:27:55 +0000

Also, from 2002, we bring you this letter from august medical journal The Lancet on the case of a Dell Latitude owner who had even kept his trousers on.

"The next day he noticed irritation and oedema of his penile prepuce. Furthermore, the ventral part of his scrotal skin had turned red, and there was a blister with a diameter of about 2cm... After the first two days, the penile and scrotal blisters broke and developed into infected wounds that caused extensive suppuration..."

Stop! That's enough.

The bald truth

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:27:29 +0000

Ronan Miles at BT Design wrote in response to our story that living in space will make you look like an alien. He points out that we wrote: "Without gravity, fluid would float up to pool in the skull."

He asks: "Which way is up when there is no gravity?", also pointing to our statement that not needing to insulate your head would result in hairlessness. "Is it central heating that is causing me to lose my hair because I don't need to insulate my head so much? Maybe I can fix it by putting my head into iced water."

Actually, Ronan, it's probably the fact that you run the UK Oracle User Group that's causing baldness - but the iced water might help with that too.

Will they Gopher it?

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:27:04 +0000

We asked how Microsoft could encourage Windows 7 users to download browsers without bundling a browser, which is what the EU says it has to do. We implied that perhaps the eurocrats weren't technical enough to spot the obvious impracticality, but luckily a reader has come to the rescue.

"Microsoft could always include a Gopher client and get Sourceforge or similar to host a copy of the IE install files on a Gopher server," says Stephen Booth, "to which the client is automagically pointed, that any other browser author is able to upload their wares (as opposed to warez)."

See! It's simple! Apart from the viruses and spyware and the support calls from millions of frustrated users in at least 20 languages, it's certainly an improvement on the current situation.

Tomorrow people

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:26:37 +0000

More time periods: Dave Evans at Wave Telecom Guernsey promotes the Mañana Half-Life: "After having an old boss who, when asked to do something, would reply with "Mañana", this is defined as the period of time that an engineer defers dealing with an issue from the point it was logged, and the fault resolving itself or being forgotten about."

Extreme indoor sports

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 09:53:54 +0000

More tips on email roulette. Regular correspondent Anthony Hawkins at the University of Sheffield suggests the extreme version.

"Michael Raven is clearly missing the point of email roulette. All he is doing is sorting emails into an order of reading. Real IT professionals, on return from time off, do the same analysis of sender, subject and size - but then simply delete, unopened, all those they believe they can get away with deleting.

"Note that 'time off' in this case includes the period between going home in the evening and returning to the office the following day," he says.

John Allard at Avon Insurance goes for the extreme extreme version. "You just delete everything in your inbox and wait for reminders, hoping, obviously, that you haven't deleted anything that might be the equivalent of a loaded bullet."

We're not telling you to do it, just giving you options.

No browsing

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 09:53:11 +0000

We like to uphold those who would build a better world for all of us, so we're offering some advice to whoever in the European Commission (EC) is in charge of the Microsoft case.

"So Microsoft will release Windows 7 in the EU with no internet browser to satisfy competition rules," writes Darren McSweeney. "However, users may download and install their browser of choice. Is it just me, or can everyone see a flaw in this?"

He's right. No one seems to have coughed and said quietly: "Without any browser at all, how will they download another one?"

Microsoft has promised to make it easy to get one, though, to which the EC says: "It would also have to consider whether this initial step of technical separation of Internet Explorer from Windows could be negated by other actions by Microsoft".

Probably the most acceptable eurosolution would be if every browser company could send a salesperson to your house. At the same time. Send us more ideas please, because we like to help.

Fly in the face of science

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 09:52:23 +0000

For anyone who suffers from jet lag, the news that researchers at the University of Michigan have created software that prescribes, depending on where you are travelling, a regimen to switch lights off and on to minimise the effects, will be met with a weak and slightly irritable "hooray".

"The result is more efficient sleep, a decrease in fatigue, and an increase in cognitive performance. Poorly timed light exposure can prolong the re-synchronisation process," explains Science Daily.

This contrasts with the traditional Backbytes "six gin and tonics" method, which has excellent results so long as you don't need to stay awake. Any other suggestions gratefully received.

Life in space

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 09:48:51 +0000

It turns out we already knew that living in space makes you short, fat and bald, if only we had examined the available evidence. "It reminds me of the Mekon in Dan Dare," says Peter Excell at Glyndwr University in Wrexham. "That really dates me."

"It conjured up the following image in my mind: short, fat, bald, skinny legs and a swollen skull," says Paul Ireland at the Utilities Exchange. "Does Backbytes know something about Roswell it is not telling us?" We attach this picture of an alien autopsy as definitive proof.

Submit to the inevitable

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 09:48:28 +0000

More time intervals. Ian Sandon at Xactaware suggests the Hubert Period, which is "the interval between hitting the submit button on the 'Password Reset' form and remembering your old password," he says.

Also: "There is an associated 'Hubert Event', the explosion of cursing when realising that you will, almost certainly, be experiencing another Hubert Interval next time you visit the web site." He personally experiences both each time he encounters the useful "Certified by Visa", so there's an opportunity for financial services industry sponsorship.

Why don't we do it in the road?

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 09:48:03 +0000

Last week we covered the worrying conclusion of Suzanne Kavic MD, who suggested that using a laptop on top of, erm, your lap "can impact sperm production and development making it difficult to conceive down the road".

"Frankly most people having sex down the road would probably rather keep the whole thing quiet," says Steve Jones.

The Parsons knows

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:58:43 +0000

"Here in our team we now have a commonly used measure of time called the Parsons Interval," says Keith Edwards at Shropshire Primary Care Trust.

"This is the time between receiving a read receipt for an email you have sent someone and ringing them up because you know they are at their desk and should answer their phone," he says.

"However, the Parsons Interval has been known to be defeated by the OWA paradox, which leaves you hanging on to a phone that just rings out."

Aliens love Apples

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:58:19 +0000

We asked how aliens will make contact, and missed the obvious.

"If I remember correctly, what you need to interface with, and ultimately destroy, alien civilisations is an Apple Macbook. I seem to remember Jeff Goldblum was very successful in this respect in Independence Day," says Mark Burton at Ipanema Technologies.

"Surely we all know aliens use Macs?" says Steven Jones at Milliken, for the same reason.

We cast a nervous glance at the Mac users in the office. Why do they need those giant screens?

A pound for your thoughts?

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:57:51 +0000

Job of the week from the Computing Essentials email newsletter last week, as noted by Kevin Blake: "Solutions Architect - Banking-AML-Fraud, £000-£1 per annum: City of London...".

"In this time of banking turmoil you have to congratulate them for looking for people who are so altruistic, they are willing to be paid up to a full £1 to get help to weed out banking fraud," he says.

We're blaming the fraudsters, who are now so far ahead of the curve they're stealing the salaries before they're even negotiated.