backbytes

Sounds better than it is

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:23:34 +0000

Helpful advice from John Maltby at IBM for Paul Clavering, who wants to know what job title to put on his baby's birth certificate. We assume that CIO is out of the question.

"Tell him to list his job as software engineer. It looks and sounds good to non-techies."

But imagine the problems when Paul's infant son finds out what a software engineer really does.

C is for contempt

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:35:02 +0000

Is it really important to be a C-level executive? "Letters such as Dave McKay's, on last week's letters page, about how he's managed to work his way up to the grand title of CIO serve no purpose other than promoting the letter writer," says Lincoln Jones, who we're guessing is not a CIO.

"I find it difficult to believe that the course that he and several other IT leaders have launched will deliver a 'better and more professional generation of IT leaders'."

We would point out that if you want a title at work that begins with the letter C, you don't have to do a course or even learn anything. So long as the C doesn't have to stand for "chief".

Hotpants

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:34:07 +0000

Having covered the dangers to your personal area that sitting with a hot laptop can cause, we're excited to read of the work of Jairo Sinova, a Texas A&M University physics professor, in producing a laptop that doesn't overheat.

At least we were, until we found out how this was going to be created. "Our research looks at the spin of electrons, tiny particles that naked eyes cannot detect. The directions they spin can be used to record and process information," he says. Which sounds good, if a little short on detail.

But we advise you not to demand the cool laptop right now, because Sinova admits there are three problems: how this technology creates information, transmits it and reads it. But we're sure it will literally be cool when it happens.

Meanwhile, always wear a sturdy pair of fire-retardant trousers when laptopping.

Wet pants

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:32:38 +0000

We asked for helpful slogans to market Windows 8 but, ever the innovators, a couple of you suggested a name for Windows 7.

Best: "How about nicknaming Windows 7 'pants'?", says Rob Partis at Transform Sandwell, "given that there is now a version of Windows for each day of the week."

Windows Me is obviously a rainy Monday.

Smeared Windows

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:31:32 +0000

Speaking of Windows Me, Charles Lister suggests that effective marketing for the next version of Windows might be a poster showing whoever was responsible for Me or Vista in the stocks, being "pelted with stuff". We suggest that a wipe-clean poster could bring an interactive element.

For slogans, Antony Hawkins at the University of Sheffield suggests "It's the best Windows ever!" which doesn't sound radical, but in these thrifty times he points out that they could search and replace the version number and re-use the installer screens from every other launch since 95. Catty.

"Windows '8' my apps and choked on the bugs," suggests Jim Blair. We bet Microsoft's glad you lot aren't on its marketing team.

Doing the French mistake

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:30:30 +0000

Amusing national stereotypes news: Ian Hindmarsh at Technip UK Ltd was checking some code from a programmer in France and found the following statement: "<%= RS2("RUB_TIT")%>".

"The code comment of course is shorthand for Rubric_Title," he says, fooling no one.

That's quite a robot you're programming, Ian.

No more aerial viewing

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:29:23 +0000

If you're flying to Luton airport this week, you'll be relieved to hear that 12-year-old Nickie Chamberlain can't watch cartoons any more because Ofcom took away his booster aerial.

It said the sophisticated device, which cost his dad £15, caused a pilot to lose contact with the control tower as it was transmitting on the same frequency as the planes flying over his bedroom.

Nickie tells the Daily Telegraph he's disappointed that he can't get TV reception any more. Presumably he'll have to take up file sharing and downloading porn, like other boys his age.

Hitting the headlines

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:02:01 +0000

As the world almost topples off its axis thanks to the launch of Windows 7, our regular correspondent Michael Aspaturian at British Energy reminds us of a simpler time when debates were settled using newspapers rather than lawyers.

"The recent BBC programme Micro Men reminded us of the good old days when Sir Clive Sinclair used a rolled-up newspaper to exact revenge on his rival, Christopher Curry of Acorn Computers.

"Fast-forward 27 years, and in our modern society, multimillion-pound lawsuits only serve to prolong the agony and line the pockets of wealthy lawyers - leaving us, the poor consumer, to pick up the tab," he says.

"Given the recession, isn't it time to round up all the leaders of the computer industry, add a sprinkling of European commissioners, hand them all a rolled-up copy of Computing, and lock them in a room until a clear
winner emerges?"

He also thinks we should put a defender of each operating system in there too, to fight it out to see which operating system we should use. If Larry Ellison is in there, we're not betting against him. He has a weight disadvantage over Steve Ballmer, but he makes up for it with raw aggression. Whatever, we'd buy tickets.

Super Marry-o

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:00:02 +0000

You might have noticed that Backbytes enjoys making fun of the world's geeks, but we are not made of stone.

That's why we approve of the guy (or, as the Daily Telegraph called him "lovestruck techie") who, in this video successfully proposes to his girlfriend using a customised level of Super Mario World which spells out "Lisa Will You Marry Me?" Watch it. It's quite emotional.

This opens a new set of opportunities for all of you to customise your IT environments to send messages to your users. Or indeed your boss. We'll let you do the rest.

Maybe you could film it for us, too. We're sure your boss would see the funny side.

Seven's not heaven

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:57:50 +0000

Meanwhile, Mark Burton is somewhat unimpressed with Windows 7. He's already suggesting alternative marketing slogans.

"How about 'Windows 7, the clue is in the name. That's right, this is the seventh time you've had to buy our product'." Or "Windows 7 - more revisions than the Bible", which might upset just about everyone.

If you have a marketing slogan for Windows 8, now's the time to let us know and we'll pass it on.

Mystery title

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:57:08 +0000

Paul Clavering, who is one of those people who has lots of job titles, is facing a dilemma.

"After the birth of my baby boy, I am now ready to register him. One of the questions is the father's job title. I usually say IT manager, but my official job title is IT development services, portals and programming, IT team manager... When we look at the 2011 census in years to come, how much will that job title mean to anyone?"

We can give a pretty definite answer to that. But think of your son - it won't be easy at school if the bullies find out his dad's in portal development. We recommend you just write "computers".

The song remains the same

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:56:05 +0000

In science news, researchers at Pompeu Fabra University in Barcelona now have a system to identify patterns in songs.

To demonstrate the technique, the team analysed Day Tripper by the Beatles and compared it to I've Got a Crush on You by Frank Sinatra. The songs, as you might have guessed, were identified as different. Then Day Tripper was compared to another song, which was found to be substantially similar. The song? A cover of Day Tripper by Ocean Colour Scene.

We're sure the technique has lots of uses, but we'll stick to reading the label for now.

Cranking UP the What?

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:03:15 +0000

Excitement knows no bounds as you wake up this morning to a world forever changed. It's the launch of Windows 7, and you might have already noticed your life has become several percentage points more usable.

We're looking forward to all sorts of exciting Windows 7 parties and events, but most of all we're looking forward to meaningless phrases designed to encourage us to buy it.

For Vista the launch slogan was "Crank UP the 'Wow!'". At the time we didn't spot the subtext, but it was a far more sophisticated piece of advertising than we thought. By emphasising UP, it suggested that cranking DOWN the Wow! was a legitimate response. And putting inverted commas around Wow! suggested irony and cynicism, the appropriate response.

If you could suggest any alternatives for this time around, Microsoft might enjoy the help.

Inching towards Europe

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:02:30 +0000

Our discussion of the 10cm USB lead has upset at least one of our readers. "Please don't use metric measures in readers' letters," writes Chris Clarke-Williams at Wicks and Wilson Ltd.

"A 10cm (100mm) USB lead is four inches long. We all know what four inches looks like but no one uses metric measures in conversation, so if correspondents are inconsiderate enough to use French measures, translate them to English before printing them."

We'd like to compromise, but we won't. Give metric martyrs 2.54cm and they'll take 1.61km.

The long and short of it

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:01:31 +0000

Whatever the length of the USB cable, there are plenty of readers who want to get their hands on Brian Coote's freebie.

Michael Aspaturian at British Energy writes: "Anyone who uses an HP desktop knows that these short USB extension leads are the only way of attaching all but the smallest USB memory sticks to the recessed USB port on the front of their PCs.

To us, these short extension leads are worth their weight in gold." That's weight in grams, not Troy ounces. "If you don't want your freebie Brian, please send it to me."

Nick Lovelock at IPS Ltd has a similar idea: "When using a laptop, I use memory sticks or other USB devices with the extension to stop them being snapped off when moving about. Funny how people assume that a long extension is the only useful one."

If you tried a long extension, Nick, you'd never go back to a short one.