Now you can go fast. Fast like a racecar, Little Man. Pedal pedal pedal. Keep up, slow down. Keep your eyes on the road. Keep your ears perked. Wait for me, Little Man. I’m still folding your baby clothes.

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Just turn the floor mat around, and fold it against the bottom of the seat. (You don’t have to turn it around, but you will block more of the opening if you use the longer, straighter edge.) Boom. Done. All objects dropped will now stay within easy reach of you or your front seat passenger. (Note: I seriously need to vacuum back there. Damn.)

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As someone who just likes to tell stories, I have a hard time doing these slideshow posts. I’ve managed to do it a few times, but it always felt a little forced to me. Moreover, the culture of the slideshow encourages posts built around “Top 10” style lists. The Internet is now filled with Top 10 list slideshows, all drowning each other out and leaving a thick film of homogeneity all over the Internet. It’s a formula that has been proven to work to increase pageviews, and readers love Top 10 titles. But as a writer (ha! I almost said that with a straight face) and storyteller, those posts just don’t come naturally to me.

But I do feel like if I’m going to blog professionally, I have to embrace at least part of the drive to increase clicks. I have to play the game, and do so enthusiastically. But if I don’t like doing Top 10 lists, how can I participate in a way that stays interesting for me?

I’ve found the way.

I recently wrote a slideshow post at Babble that, instead of using the slides to show photos of different things, just uses them as numbers. Page numbers. Each slide is part of a story, like those Choose Your Own Adventure books I used to read as a kid. Based on choices offered on the slide you are reading, you click on a different Page Number Slide, and you get to go through a different little journey. It’s storytelling, and writing, in a way that uses the slideshow tool without depending on lists.

It took a little bit of work to keep the choices tracking the right pages, but that was almost half the fun of it. The other half was coming up with the different branches I lead you down.

Maybe in the end this kind of effort won’t pay off. Maybe Top 10 lists dominate because they are the right balance of interesting content and effort. But I’m going to keep trying. Maybe not every week, but once in a while.

Go ahead. Click on the picture to get started. (Note: I am not good at Art.)

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The dream stayed with me the rest of the day, and I thought it was probably inspired by a little Guild watching, or Dr. Horrible, or just all the talk about her YouTube Channel, Geek & Sundry.

Oh…oh how wrong I was. Little did I know that I was actually experiencing a vision. I’m not saying I’m psychic, but…well….this happened:

On April 1st, Felicia did a subscribe-a-thon to get people to subscribe to the YouTube channel launching the next day. She would stay “on air” all day, interacting with people, interviewing nerdy types, and roping her friends in to do things like perform a fan-sourced short play. Occasional filler time between major, scheduled segments was taken up with things like asking Twitter what the weirdest food people actually eat is.

I saw that tweet from the Geek & Sundry account and tossed off a reply: “Tuna fish and sliced apples!” (It’s actually something I’ve eaten since I was a kid, mixed together in a kind of tuna salad for sandwiches. I’ve seen other people add onions or cucumbers instead of apples, but for some reason in my family it was always apples.)

Now, Twitter is Twitter, and most things said are lost in a vacuum forever. I thought maybe I’d get a “ha ha” in reply from the G&S feed. I didn’t know why they were asking: Maybe Felicia would read a list of weird foods on the air and I’d get a little Twitter shout out if mine was one of them. I like stuff like that; I’m not proud.

Instead, I received a DM from Geek & Sundry asking for my e-mail address because:

The subscribe-a-thon was a Google+ Hangout. I brought my laptop outside to do my best Clara “Ignoring My Kids is Good for Them” Beane impression and sneak some quiet space for a minute. Then I clicked the link and freaked right the hell out because I realized I was about to have a very public conversation with a nerdy icon.

If I’ve ever convinced you that I’m out-going or good with people, ha ha. Joke’s on you. I’m good online, typing words. I’m not good in person. But this Google+ hangout was going to be fairly “in person”, and I couldn’t hide behind my keyboard.

I was the first one in the hangout with Felicia, (there were other entries in the Weird Food contest that I didn’t know I had entered, and they weren’t as quick on the click as I was) so we talked for an hour or so (or 30 seconds…time bent) and then we got down to the point of the hangout.

I would like to go on record with this: “Canned tuna and apples” is not a great opener. But Felicia was all understanding charm, and she replied with something like:

This is not a screen-grab from our hangout, since I had zero presence of mind to think to do that. This is from, uh, some other time I took a picture of her while she was on one of my screens. It’s not weird. Shut up.

What she actually said was that she liked tuna and apples too, and that she thought it was a ladies-who-lunch thing. I always thought it was a “get fruit into the poor kids somehow” thing. But I’m not from the South. Maybe things are different there.

As it turns out, I was not the person who liked the weirdest food. I never expected to be; all of this was a delight and a surprise. But in the end, as one of the participants I was offered a DVD of one of the seasons of The Guild, and I bowed out of the conversation because as much as, to me, that moment was all about me, it totally wasn’t about me and I was just trying to keep the cool lid on the boiling pot of nerdy crazy that was threatening to bubble out.

I followed the rest of the subscribe-a-thon, and I’ve been watching some of the shows on Geek & Sundry. I like geeky things, and I always have, but that personal moment probably cemented things for me. I’m a fan.

About a week later I checked my mailbox, and inside was a box from Geek & Sundry. Season 5 of The Guild?

No.

Oh, so much more than that. It was a box of DVDs and posters and comic books and a t-shirt…it was like I stole someone’s Comic-Con swag bag. I was sure someone had made a mistake. Nope: Geek & Sundry is just awesome like that.

I get free things sent to me sometimes because I’m a blogger and companies seem to think that matters. But this was different. I don’t think my being a blogger had anything to do with that box. It was just Geek & Sundry, going all “WHEE!!!!!” about life.

Now, back to my dream. You remember my dream? Felicia and I were hanging out (check) sharing a meal (check…right? We both like tuna and apples!). This dream was a vision, people! So, what this means is:

I’d better get an invitation to Ryan’s wedding.

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First, I learn how to get my kids to deal with dessert in a way that one commenter described as “similar to an eating disorder treatment”. I think that’s an endorsement, but I’m not sure.

Second, I highly recommend ignoring your kids, particularly when, but not limited to times when, you want to finish a mission in Mass Effect. It’s also good for some developmental things, I think, but that’s not as important as stopping a Rachni invasion.

Third, I never thought describing how my daughter decided she wanted to invite her whole class to her birthday party would raise the hackles of the Internet, but apparently people like to see controversy and side-choosing where there isn’t any. Although there totally was here. I completely side with inviting all the kids in the class if that’s what your kid wants and that’s something you’re comfortable with and none of them are Rachni.

And last: Although you didn’t realize it, I’ve been eavesdropping on your kids. They say some pretty messed up things.

So, while you’re all off reading those, I’ll be here, writing more stuff you won’t read. It’s a good thing I like to hear myself talk. And that blogging is the easiest job anyone could ever have.

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My appointment was for 3pm, the only time slot they had available on either of the two days I could go before it expired, and as it turned out the window they had open was only long enough for either Royal Shave, or a regular shave (and a haircut). I needed a haircut, but figured I could get a haircut anywhere, and there were few places or opportunities left to let someone near my throat with an exposed blade, so I signed up for the Royal Shave.

It was a meticulous process. I swear it felt like the barber was cutting each hair individually. The whole thing took about forty-five minutes, with a couple of hot towels and lotions and things thrown into the mix. It was like a manly massage with knives, and I almost fell asleep in the chair at one point.

Afterward, clean shaven but still requiring a haircut, I had Emily call the salon she uses, located near where I was anyway, to see if they had an opening. I’d rather take a chance on a place that someone I know likes, than wander into one off the street and risk a disaster. And it was already a bit of a pampering day, so why not extend it by a little longer? Supercuts can get my business back next time; let’s see what a salon can do.

It turns out that what a salon can do is almost exactly what Supercuts can do, except that it’s done with exquisite care instead of clippers and thinning shears. My stylist, after telling me he was really into shape, and sculpture, right now and was trying to improve that aspect of his practice, got a little irritated that my hair looked like it did after getting my last cut done at Supercuts. “Even at Supercuts, there must be the occasional someone who has a natural eye for shape,” he lamented, as he started to cut my hairs one at a time to achieve his desired result. I don’t want to suggest that there was no value in spending the extra money on someone who knows what they are doing, but it’s the kind of value that’s only there in its subtleties, like comparing a $10 bottle of wine to a $100 bottle. You’d have to be paying a lot of attention to the details to tell the difference, and most people just don’t pay that much attention.

I cleaned up good. Too bad I don’t know how to dress. Who wears a hoodie?

After the cut I wandered around Union Square for a bit. I had arranged to meet my friend, Uncle Shopkeep Alexei (from the now-world-famous San Francisco indie boutique, Fiat Lux) after he closed the shop at 8pm, and I still had some time to kill. I bought some running shoes, because the pair I had on had been falling apart for months, and walked by a Williams Sonoma that had a line out the door to see Giada de Laurentiis inside.

I almost got in line, my crush on Giada being a powerful thing, but I haven’t had cable in a year, so I don’t really watch her shows now, and I’ve never read her books, and when I realized that I’d be standing in line for an hour to basically say “I like watching you eat”, I felt I should probably just keep walking. That’s the kind of weird you shouldn’t share with anyone (except for you, Internet).

I grabbed something to eat, then went over to the shop and spent the last hour before closing talking to Alexei and one of his jewelers before we made our way out to a bar across the street.

As I sit here and reflect on my day, I realize that, essentially, what I did on Friday was get myself all pretty, put on some new shoes, and go on a man date to a gay bar.

See you next time, San Francisco!

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I spread the peanut butter on your bread at lunch, though this is a favourite trick of yours.

I pushed you on the swings today, though you often pump higher than I push.

I read to you tonight, my four, though you’ve begun to read to me instead.

I want to keep you, little four; little, four. Little. Four.

But you outgrow yourself, second by second. You outpace me, day by day. You leap to greet mornings; you race to everywhere.

In the morning you’ll be gone, little four, my little four. I built the bike you’ll leave me on, little four. It’s waiting there, your rocket, your future on two pink rims.

I added training wheels, to make four, my little four. I get to keep that much of you, my four. Slow down, wobble, get right, get straight, get strong.

Tonight I say goodbye to you, my four, my little four. Tomorrow I’ll go riding with my five.

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Backyard: check.
Hose: check.
Tiny pool: check.
April days that feel like July: check.

Anticipation:

Check.

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I love them.

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