WOW, what a whirlwind of a week.  I meant to post a recap of Alexa’s birthday party a few days after the event but by now everyone knows we had another major event just a few days later.  Ok, now back to business!

Hello Kitty Birthday Invitation

Alexa had a Hello Kitty Birthday Bash and it was amazing!  We invited people near and far to come and celebrate our little one’s third full year of life.  The party was perfection and we couldn’t have done it without the help of our devoted friends and family.

Dessert Display

Once again the party was held at Peter’s childhood home.  His mother and sister went out of their way to help us set this up.  This year we were planning on holding the party in our own home, but as we compiled the guest list we knew everyone just wouldn’t fit.  We’re lucky to have so many people close to us that want to join in on our celebrations…but our house wouldn’t hold them all!  Also, with my eventual pregnancy issues and bed-rest status…it was necessary to hold the festivities elsewhere.

Hello Kitty Cookie Favors

This year I also enlisted the help of a good friend to make our Hello Kitty face cookie favors and Hello Kitty cake.  Nicole runs a little baking business, The Itty Bitty Baker, and I knew she was the one to call on to help with the desserts.  She delivered FIFTY cookies that were not only crazy cute to look at, but also absolutely delicious.  Her cake was adorable and big enough to feed our large party.  It was also PINK on the inside…OMG so cute!  People couldn’t stop raving about everything.

As always a good portion of the charm of the theme came from Etsy sellers.

• Alexa’s adorable up-cycled dress from The Casual Princess
• Yet another beautiful birthday hat from Gingham Bunny
• Keep Calm and Kitty On Poster from Keep Calm Art Prints
• ANOTHER amazing (Hello Kitty) wand from Uff Da Designs 

Hello Kitty Headbands

The party was made even more awesome due to the fact that most of our friends have kids in the same age range as Alexa.  This year it was all about them.  We had games, puzzles, coloring, and awesome favor buckets filled to the brim with Hello Kitty and other super cute Japanese candies and trinkets.  One of the crowd favorites was the Hello Kitty headbands I asked Theresa to make.  She did an amazing job crafting up the little ears and bows for everyone to wear.

The party was just fantastic and we couldn’t be happier that Alexa was able to celebrate with her friends in style.  This was the last birthday party for our little girl as an only child and we wanted it to be super special and pretty much perfect.  We think it was both of those things and so much more.  Thank you to everyone on came out to join in on the fun.  We hope you enjoyed yourselves because we sure did!

Alexa and her BFF Hello Kitty

Here’s the thing, my first baby and second baby look the the same baby.  Alexa was born way smaller, but if you look at her “due date” photos and then you look at Emma’s newborn shots…they have the same face.  I’ve had many different family members bring this up to me as well so I know it’s not just in my head.  They could be long lost (separated by many years) twins!  It’s kind of trippin’ me out.  I look down as I nurse Emma and I’m reminded of all things Alexa.  I’m sure this is normal second baby weirdness, but man oh man it’s crazy (in my head at least).

Alexa on her due date

This weekend we were hit with some breastfeeding problems as my milk hadn’t come in quite as fast as Emma would haven liked.  There were lots of screaming fits while trying to nurse.  Then looking at that face…it took me back to the scary place with Alexa.  When nothing worked and there was no light shining from the end of any tunnel.  Just a dark abyss from which it took ages to return.  Happily I can say that things have already brightened up this time around, but it was a bleak couple of days.

New Born Emma

There’s also the guilt.  Oh there’s going to be so much mom guilt to speak of in the coming weeks, but this one struck me hardcore and out of the blue.  I feel like I replaced my first born with her clone.  Like a do-over.  People often joke that the first child is for learning and the second is for doing things right.  That joke stings right now, and there’s no rational reason for it.  I actually broke down in tears the other night (baby blues induced I’m sure) and bawled my eyes out that I had ruined everything.  That Alexa would know I had replaced her with a newer model.

Logically I know that they’re two completely separate and different people.  I know that babies in the same family can often times be born looking VERY similar and end up looking like themselves.  Honestly, I’m also happy that my girls look like each other.  They’re both so perfectly blended from Peter and me that they don’t really look like either of us.  I also know that what they look like won’t matter nearly as much as what kind of temperaments they have and they may end up being polar opposites in that respect.

Still, I’m struck with a sort of unease.  I’ll get over it as Emma starts to show herself more.  I’ll also get over it when these darn hormones level out…but that’s a story for a whole ‘nother post!!

Baby Emma

We welcomed the newest member of our family into our lives  Monday, Feb 20th at 3:38pm.
Our baby girl weighed 7lbs 10ozs and was 20 inches long.
We chose the name Emilia aka Emma for short.

If you know me….you know that I overshare in many situations but I’m very private in others.  If something is personal to me I want it all to myself.  This is how I feel about birth.  Hell…I kinda feel that way about my pregnancy when it comes to “real life” people…sorry!  When I was pregnant with Alexa our intentions were to go to the birthing center without much communication about the status of my labor.  Basically…we just wanted to come home with a new baby and then start calling people.  It was something that we, Peter and I, wanted to do alone.  Of course, that didn’t happen.

If I had my druthers our plan for my second labor and delivery would be the same.  We would run off, as if we were eloping HA, and come back with a new baby.  SURPRISE!  But…that’s not even remotely close to possible.  For one, we have families that desperately want to know what’s happening, especially since my last birth was so wrought with stress and disappointment.  For another, we have a 3 year old that needs to be taken care of while I do my thang.

Alexa will need to be picked up and kept out of the house while I labor at home.  She’ll then need to spend the day and night somewhere while Peter stays with me in the hospital.  This could mean up to 3 different sitter situations going on here.  My dad lives next door so he’s the logical one to call while I’m still home.  I love the idea of keeping her at home to hang out for those last few hours as an only child, but I don’ t want to scare her…and I kinda want to focus me.  Fair enough right?  Depending on what time everything goes down she’ll either spend the night at my father’s or go to Peter’s parents’ house….or my mother might come here and just stay with her here.  Or any variation on those options.

So no, a private personal birth just isn’t in the cards.  I actually joked about wishing for a friend that could hang out with our first…and would keep everything super secret for us.  HA!  I’m ridiculous I know.  I don’t know why I want to sneak attack everyone with their newest family member.  I’m not doing it to be mean, I promise.  Part of me doesn’t want to be on a timetable with anyone.  Part of me wants to know that no one else is thinking about the laboring process…no one else is stressing….no one else is getting impatient.  Part of me wants everyone there in the waiting room pacing and staying up all hours in anticipation.  Most of me just wants to be left alone…LOL…but I think that’s a symptom of this pregnancy and how hands on it’s been from day one.

I think the only way to absolve myself of these feelings is to make the conscience decisions to just tell everyone.  Every single avenue of disclosure will have the update of when I go into labor.  We’ll call our families first of course, setting up childcare in the interim.  I’ll post minimal updates on my personal and blog Facebook accounts.  I’ll most likely post some silly picture of us getting ready to leave on the blog.  Then I’ll Tweet the hell out of whatever strikes my fancy.  Promise to keep it clean(ish).  So that’s the plan.  Instead of keeping it to myself, I’m going to overshare the whole process in hopes of breaking my need to make it all about me…because it’s not.  There’s a while tribe of people out there that want to meet this baby (virtually and otherwise) and I intend on doing my part in making that happen

Maybe I’m getting a little, ok a lot, ahead of myself here….but I cannot wait to start running again.  It’s the single best thing that I’ve ever done for myself when I’ve taken it seriously.  It’s the ONE thing that has ever melted the weight away, and I actually enjoy it once I get going.  Whatever residual baby weight that’s left after the birth and the swelling are over need to be taken care of MUCH more efficiently than last time around.

Right now I don’t feel like myself.  I’m seriously painfully swollen…as in my body HURTS because there’s so much fluid retained right beneath my skin.  Every visit to the midwife reveals another few pounds gained (that’s PER WEEK).  My feet must weigh 5lbs each.  It’s all (well mostly) edema, and I know it will leave my body once the baby comes, but right this second I feel alien.

That’s where my plan of action comes in.  Once this baby is born and I’m allowed to exercise again, I’m will be training for a run.  There are a few primers that we’ll participate in; #1 being the March for Babies this April*.  The real run I want to train for is a Mud Run!  It looks like such fun, and I think mid June is a respectable amount of time to be able to do a 5K.  I know that I will HAVE to register for something substantial to keep myself on track.  I did the Couch to 5K program last year and really enjoyed it and I’m guessing that I’ll use that to start up again.  It’s a 9 week program, which works perfectly for my needs.

So who wants to run with me?  Peter’s sister did one last year and has volunteered to come along this time!  Peter swears he’ll do it.  Maybe one if you will train with me *hint hint* *nudge nudge*

*Don’t worry, I’ll bother you all with March of Dimes related stuff in a bit, once we sign up for that

Oppps, I had it all planned out.  I was going to schedule a post to go live on Sunday signalling my ONE MONTH LEFT celebration.  Yup, I forgot.  The pregnancy stupids, I haz them.  Oh well.  The thing is, I’m not sure I’ll make it to the end.  I feel so off and heavy and achy and crampy, it has to be soon right?  The power of positive thinking or something like that.  JUST SAY IT’S SO!

There are reasons why I’d LOVE to be done now.  Of course there are reasons why getting to my due date would be equally awesome.  Let me list them now (hahahah as if you cared).

Reasons To Be Done:

• I am excruciatingly tired.  I can’t sleep because I can’t get comfortable and even after I do, 45 minutes later I have to pee again.  Naps are pretty much gone for now.
• I’m so sore.  Most of it, I think, has to do with being on bed-rest (though THAT’S OVER NOW!!!).  The baby has dropped so things that weren’t affected before have started to hurt.
• I just want to be one person again!  Everyone has heard me say this.  I know that I’ll have a newborn to hold and take care of, but she will live on the outside….where I can put her down!

Reasons To Wait:

• I want the girls to have their own birthdays, birth months even.  Ideally I want to get past Alexa’s party so I don’t have to call it off or bring a teeny baby with me.
• I want breastfeeding to be easy this time, and the longer my body has to bake, the more the hormones will work together (in theory).
• As small as it seems, I want to KNOW that my body can indeed carry a baby to term.  I want to feel like I reached the end and didn’t “go early”.  That said, in a few days I’ll be considered full term at 37 weeks so that’s not too far off.

So there they are, my reasons for and against getting the baby out now.  Ha, as if I have a choice in the matter.  While all the precautions keeping me from preterm labor have been removed (no more shots, now more bed-rest) it’s not as if that means I’ll go tomorrow.

Now that my little secret is out, and everyone knows that I had a “secret double” life as a mommy blogger while I was writing here just to update the family, I guess it’s time to talk about online personas.  Well my take on them at least.

I’m not even sure where this idea came from.  My notes on transparency in blogging have been sitting in my inbox for a while now.  I do that, email myself ideas.  Often this happens well past a decent hour while I’m lying in bed TRYING to fall asleep.  My head goes on and on and on.  If something interesting is triggered I try to write it down and send it to myself.  That’s my little trick

Moving on….

Yes, transparency in the online world.  What do you care about it?  Do you think someone who writes a blog needs to tell all?  And all the time?  I certainly don’t.  You all know me in different ways.  People that know me online sometimes get the raw-er version because I tend to rant on Twitter.  Different friends all get a piece of me, the piece of me that fits in their life.  Hell, even Peter doesn’t know EVERY.LAST.THING about me.  No one should.

Everyone is edited.  Our photos are touched up, our words are formatted ever so rightly, our thoughts are stewed upon and revised the next day just.in.case!  Even in real life.  Do I invite people over and let them see all my messes?  NOOOOOOOO.  I clean before I have company.  I clean more for others.  Hell I even shower for some!  So of course my blog is a tidier version of me than my actual brain.  If I emptied that all out on to the page you’d run for the hills.  I think the same could be said of just about anyone.

Old Version Of Me - PARTY

Here’s the thing, just because I’m honest in this format, and I am, doesn’t mean that the blogging version of me is the whole me.  I choose to share what I’m comfortable with.  Sometimes that means a little too much, HEH, sometimes I may hold back and decide not to spill my guts.  If you look through my archives you’ll see that I get really really real at times (especially since I merged a few blogs together here).  Other times I choose to be light and airy and shallow.  That’s A-Ok, because that’s how I am.  Sometimes I’m way too deep and thinky for my own good, and sometimes I just want to look at something pretty…….oooooh GLITTER!

Just because this blog is called Backwards Life doesn’t mean I like my stuff out of order.  If you know anything about me you know that I’m a teensy bit OCD-ish (I actually think I have Obsessive Compulsive Personality issues).  I used to organize people’s lives for a living!  I’m that weirdo that moves furniture around for no good reason.  I like to clean and sort and file.

Ever since having a baby, ummm three years ago, I’ve been a little out of sorts.  There was a time last year that I FINALLY felt like the old me.  I was back in school, scheduling appointments, writing papers….all with ease and on time!  Then I got pregnant again.  My brain fell out of my head and all my hard work back out the window.

This time around, after the pregnancy brain fog wears off, I’m determined to get back into the swing of things faster.  Since my old tricks (mostly digital in nature) failed me last time, I thought I’d try something new.  A paper organizer like I used to have back in the olden days, but this time I wanted something pretty.  I also wanted something that I could leave out for friends and family that happen to come by to help us after the baby comes.

Photo Credit: www.momagenda.com

Enter the momAgenda!  It’s beauiful and I just spent a good hour adding all my upcoming appointments to it.  I wanted to set something up so anyone that needed to could look at our appointments for the week, see upcoming plans for the kids, and had access to all the important contact information concerning our family.

I had a Groupon deal for this awesomely popular desktop organizer so I bought two!  One for me to use and one to share.  I want to share it with you!  This is NOT a sponsored post, this is just me wanting to celebrate my readers with some fun and a prize.  Free stuff is always fun!

GIVEAWAY DETAILS

This giveaway is for one 2011-2012 momAgenda in “soft gold”.  It is open to US and Canadian readers (sorry, I have to pay for the shipping so no international).  It will close on Friday 2/3 at midnight and I’ll and announce it Saturday morning!  What a great way to start someone’s weekend

HOW TO ENTER

• 1 entry  - leave a comment on this blog post telling me how you’re trying to stay (or get) organized

• 1 entry for – liking Backwards Life on Facebook, leave a separate comment telling me your FB name
• 1 entry for – following @Backwards_Amber on Twitter, leave a separate comment telling me your Twitter name

• 1 entry for per day – tweeting about this giveaway with “I just entered @Backwards_Amber ‘s momAgenda giveaway here http://tinyurl.com/7yz9qf8, now you can too!”, leave a separate comment with a link to your tweet

GOOD LUCK!

*******CONGRATS TO LINDSAY*******

Hi everyone.  The blog has been down for the past week so that I could make some pretty dramatic changes.  First and foremost, thank you for sticking around for the unveiling!!!  I want to talk a little bit about why I decided to make these updates before I list them for you.

Since late 2008 I’ve been writing updates on a website for our friends and family to let them experience the joy of my first pregnancy along with us.  Once Alexa was born I decided to take all the old content and turn it into a blog.  It was an easier format to post daily, weekly, monthly updates for our loved ones.  The summer after Alexa was born I decided I also needed a private space to talk about my experiences as a new mother.  I started Unlikely Mama and that’s when the “real” blogging started.  I met tons and tons of women, fellow mothers, who I could commiserate with through our own platforms and on Twitter.  I had two worlds that I kept very very separate.

Sadly a year later I decided to close up shop on that private world.  I lost my writing groove, and I lost a lot of close friends in the process.  I took a year off, but kept updating the family blog with random milestone updates about our little girl.  I felt a void.  Sure I was writing about our lives together and keeping a digital scrapbook on the blog and on Flickr, but I was missing that connection I had with my online friends.

Finally, this past Spring I decided to start writing about personal topics again on Not Mommy.  I was going through a lot of changes, least of which was the journey to becoming a mother of two!  Once again, two lives, two blogs, two personas.  I lost the will to keep that up.  In the Fall you may have noticed that the topics on this blog became more wide reaching and that the posts became less sporadic.

The reason for the increase was because I was starting the process of merging my two online worlds.  I was putting out feelers to make sure the “deeper” topics didn’t freak my real life people out, HA!  I was also attempting to bring my readers from the “mommy blog” world over to a less genre specific site.  I hope I succeeded.

Now that the new year is here I’m working on those New Years Resolutions that I wrote about a few weeks ago.  Here’s what I’ve done so far:

• Backwards Life is now self-hosted.  That means that instead of running on the free WordPress.com I’m now paying for hosting and using the content management code from WordPress.org.  It’s all very techy and boring to most, but it gives me so much more flexibility.
• I’m going to start doing some giveaways to draw in new readers and new followers/fans on Twitter and Facebook.  I have one planned to start this weekend, it’s an awesome product to say Thank You and YIPPIE!
• Next month I will start offering ad space.  I’m going to do something a little different and I’ll write more about it later, but I’m excited.
• I want to make this a Sponsor/PR friendly space, and hope to toss in a few reviews.
• I’ve loaded a new design and am working with a long time bloggy friend on lots of customization!

So that’s it for now.  I’m still working on the layout so some placement of things may change from time to time, but the content will still keep coming.  Remember to subscribe if you want this in your email or Feed reader.

Induction…that’s the newest word my friends.  The news today was bad.  My midwife appointment left me in shock.  What I thought was a fluke set of symptoms last week, actually turned out to be something after-all.  Something that my midwives aren’t messing around with. While I completely understand the concern and appreciate their care, I’m so so so sad about what it means for my pregnancy and birth.

Earlier this week I wrote about my desire to have a “healing birth” to recover from the lack of confidence my last birth gave me.  I already feel like a failure for being unable to go to term with Alexa, and now it’s happening again.  My test results are bad enough that I’ll be put on modified bed-rest and most likely be induced at [no later than] 38 weeks and possibly [as soon as] 36.  That means, that unless my body decides to start up early, I’ll be “forced” to do it the unnatural way with synthetic hormones and a likely long hospital stay if things don’t progress quickly.

Until then, I’ll have more and more tests ran, more and more monitoring, more and more appointments.  More time thinking about how my body just rejects pregnancy.  More and more thinking that maybe I was right when I insisted as a teenager that I wasn’t made for babies.  More and more depressing thoughts of being a failure as a mother before the child is even born.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I’m crazy and irrational and an other-thinker!  I’m sure everything will be fine in the end, that like Alexa…this baby will end up healthy and happy and well cared for.  That said, I’m not sure the same can be said of me.  I’m losing my ability to think positively and that terrifies me when it comes to PPD issues.  Hell, the depression that will most likely set in after having to be on bed-rest for the next 4-6 weeks will be enough to deal with on its own.

I’m not going to lie here.  I’m seriously torn up about all this. Can I just refuse to cooperate?  Can I say NO, I will not let you pump me full of drugs just because you’re too worried that I might suffer (or possibly that your malpractice insurance might)?  I think I need a good long talk with my Doulas before I go off the deep end, but I’m scared guys!